Main Characters: TWP, CMC, Diamond Tiara,
Cameos: Rei, Stormy, Lucas, Dream Maker, Coal, Droll, Rip, Marvel, DC, Image, Kaeko, Ruby Dart, Twilight, Pinkie, Celestia/Amy, Luna, Lyra, Cheerilee, Twist, Silver Spoon, Snails, Mayor Mare, Inkie
Original Write Date: 01/09/2012
Ponyville is a virtual ghost town. Thanks to an unfortunate choice of ingredients for a party dedicated to Zecora, the entire town has come under the effect of poison joke pollen. Well, almost the entire town. Only the nerd district escaped the outbreak due to a conspicuous absence from the guest list. The shop owners are currently meeting with the mayor as she goes over the situation with them.
‘Do you understand why I called you here?’ Mayor Mare asks in a heavy Rhinelander accent.
‘You are looking for John Connor?’ Droll replies. Coal gives him a quick jab in the side.
‘This is because of Pinkie’s party the other day, am I correct?’ Marvel answers.
‘Correct.’ The mayor slams a hoof on her desk. ‘We are in trouble! We need your help!’
‘Isn’t Twilight working on a solution?’ The Wandering Physicist asks.
‘Indeed she is.’ (Mr Purple. The Wandering Physicist thinks in a Rhinelander accent.) ‘But we have run into another problem.’ The mayor gets up and goes to a window. ‘See, we have enough of the treatment to cure the town, but Princess Sparkle’s plan will take at least two weeks to be fully implemented.’
‘Plan? What plan?’ Dream Maker asks.
‘She has organized a treatment schedule wherein the more important ponies in town get treated first. This leaves a bit of a gap in the ponies needed to effectively run the town.’
‘Surely, that doesn’t mean you want our help running emergency services or operating the weather patrol,’ Kaeko worries.
‘That is not an issue. And don’t call me Shirley,’ The mayor replies. ‘Our first responders are also the first treated. As for the weather patrol, Miss Dash has put out calls to Cloudsdale for help. No, what we need you to do is more crucial to the operation of the city.’
Everypony in the room starts getting a little nervous.
‘We need you to run the schools for us.’
‘What?’ Everypony replies.
‘I call Magic Kindergarden!’ Dream raises a foreleg. The others look at him. ‘What? It has to be covered by a unicorn, and my magic prowess is the best here.’
‘That can be debated...’ Lucas groans from the back of the group.
‘Oh yeah!’ Droll jeers. ‘I challenge you to horn wrestling!’
Coal smacks his brother with a book. He turns to the mayor. ‘Are you sure that is a good idea?’
‘I don’t know,’ Diamond Crystal says. ‘It sounds sort of fun.’ She turns to Marvel. ‘We’d get to keep an eye on Image, too.’
‘It would be mostly to observe the students and keep them in line while their parents get back to normal,’ The mayor adds. ‘We should be able to supplement your numbers with other community members and the few teachers still available.’
‘Please say Cheerilee is still available,’ The Wandering Physicist says to himself.
‘Actually...’ The mayor begins.
The Wandering Physicist closes his eyes. ‘Don’t finish that sentence!’
‘You know,’ Coal thinks. ‘That is a good idea. Mr Wanderer should get Cheerilee’s class.’
‘Definitely.’ Lucas agrees. ‘He already has a reputation for keeping the Cutie Mark Crusaders in line.’
The Wandering Physicist turns to the others. ‘You,’ he points to Lucas, ‘you’re fired. And you,’ he points to Coal, ‘you’re a foreigner, so shut up.’
‘Bite me,’ Coal replies.
‘Come on, James. You know it will be fun,’ Marvel encourages.
‘Right, bro. How hard can it be?’ Rip adds.
The Wandering Physicist sighs. ‘Fine!’
‘It is good to see you are willing to help,’ the mayor notes. ‘Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have other business to attend to.’ The other ponies start milling about. She pounds on her desk. ‘Leave now!’
The ponies flee from the office.
‘She’s really getting into the spirit of her affliction,’ Kaeko says as they regroup outside.
‘Ugh... I’ll trade anypony classes,’ The Wandering Physicist offers.
Lucas sighs. ‘Boss, you just agreed to...’
‘I know. I just don’t wanna,’ he pouts. ‘Can’t I run the night school instead? You know, something with normal hours?’
‘Don’t worry, James,’ DC assures. ‘We’ll handle everything else. You just ask Cheerilee what you have to do for your class tomorrow.’
The Wandering Physicist sighs.
‘Oh! And can ya ask your friend why we weren’t at her party while yer at it?’ Rip adds.
The Wandering Physicist shivers. ‘There is a conversation I have been dreading.’
The top floor of Sugarcube Corner is completely dark. All of the shades are drawn. It also seems that the windows are boarded up. There are also nasty signs warning visitors to stay away. From inside, a slight whooshing sound is heard, followed by a sharp ‘GO AWAY!’
The Wandering Physicist picks himself up from inside his TARDIS. ‘Wow. For a filly with a floppy tongue, you sure can yell when you need to.’
A flat-haired, floppy-tongued, slightly-grey Pinkie cowers in a corner of her room. She is guarded by a stack of rocks, a ball of lint, a bag of flour, a bucket of turnips and Gummy dressed in a hooded white robe. The Cautious Physicist makes his way very slowly past Pinkie’s elite guard and goes over to the very depressed Pinkie Pie. He tries giving her a hug but gets violently shoved away only to be caught by Rocky.
‘Okay. That hurt.’
Pinkie looks back, forces down tears than looks away again.
‘Pinkie... We have a pact, you know. I will get you to smile.’
Pinkie spits something incoherent.
‘Well, Twilight was the first to ask. Then everypony else asked me. And Rip talked to me about you just a bit ago.’
Pinkie spits back.
‘They were all worried about you.’ Pinkie spits. ‘Okay. So Rip wasn’t, but everypony else was.’
Pinkie spits dejectedly.
‘Don’t say that! Nopony is really mad at you. At least nopony I have talked to. All of your friends still love you. Everypony I talked to understands it was an unfortunate accident. Please stop beating yourself up about it.’
Pinkie looks back and spits.
The Wandering Physicist comes over and gives Pinkie a hug. ‘Don’t worry. We all still love you.’ He gives Pinkie a kiss on the cheek.
Pinkie starts crying a bit.
The Wandering Physicist gives Pinkie another friendly kiss. ‘Can we put your friends away? I think Madame Le Flour is looking at me funny.’
Pinkie spit-laughs. She turns back and spits something at the inanimate objects and Gummy. Gummy turns around and walks off to do what Gummy does. Pinkie nods at her handiwork.
‘Thanks.’ He gives Pinkie a tight hug. ‘Now that we’re alone... Why weren’t we invited to the party?’
Pinkie lets out a loud moan. She starts spitting her response.
‘Still, it wasn’t nice to exclude an entire area of town. It is not like we have cooties or anything.’
Pinkie spits a response.
‘Oh Pinkie. It is not really about inviting us to the party. It is the fact that you inadvertently excluded the entirety of the group that is stereotypically excluded from parties.’
Pinkie moans again.
‘I forgive you since you know my feelings on parties. Most of the others are fine with it too. Rip is a little irked, but his real name is Tim and that isn’t even his natural color.’
Pinkie spits.
‘Nopony knows.’
Pinkie sighs then spits.
‘I can stay as long as you want.’
Pinkie sighs and cuddles up to the pony she loves.
The next morning, The Wandering Physicist is at the schoolhouse right on time. The inquisitive stares of all of the young colts and fillies as he stands in front of the class is quite unnerving.
‘So where do we be...’
‘Who the heck are you?’ A pink filly with a tiara asks.
‘It is The Wandering Physicist!’ Sweetie Belle cheers. ‘He is a friend of Rarity and Stormy.’
‘Mah big sister talks about ‘im all the time!’ Apple Bloom adds.
‘His daughter is the best flier after Rainbow Dash!’ Scootaloo brags.
‘His shop is the best in Ponyville!’ A small pinto colt shouts in a Trottingham accent.
‘Yes. Thank you, everypony.’ The Wandering Physicist cuts off. ‘So... Where to begin?’
‘How about you thtart with what you know betht?’ A cream colored filly with large glasses suggests.
‘Not a bad idea...’ He turns to the board and writes ‘Physics’ in big letters. ‘So, physics! Physics, eh? Physics! Phyyyyyyyyyyysics.’ He pauses for a moment. ‘I hope you are getting this all down?’
The pink filly scoffs, ‘Are you really our teacher while Cheerilee is sick?’
The Wandering Physicist draws a leather flap with a slip of paper. ‘I think you’ll find I’m universally recognized as a mature and responsible adult.’
The pink filly groans. ‘That is just a lot of wavy lines.’
The Wandering Physicist looks at the paper. ‘... Yeah, it shorted out. Finally, a lie too big.’
‘You’re not really that bright, are you?’ A light blue-grey filly with silver glasses snorts.
The Wandering Physicist growls and glares at the filly. He turns away from the class for a moment.
‘Hi. Cheerilee? ... Are we allowed to hit them? ... Why the frak not!’ He glances back to see a freaked out class. ‘Got to go. I think they heard me.’ He turns back and smiles. ‘Wassup?’
The whole class looks nervous, except for the Cutie Mark Crusaders.
‘Uh... So who wants some recess?’
At the local high school, Coal and Droll are getting ready for their next class. Coal reads at the desk while Droll stands in front of the class handing out a syllabus. After the bell rings, Coal groans and looks up from his book.
‘Listen up. I am Coal. This is Droll. I am going to be in charge of the class while your teacher is out. That has your assignments for the next couple weeks. Just behave and keep it quiet, and we’ll be fine.’
Coal picks up his book again, but a pegasus filly raises her foreleg. The unicorn sighs.
‘Yes?’
‘If you are the teacher, who is he?’
‘Droll? Technically, I am babysitting him too, but I brought him along for discipline enforcement.’
Droll steps forward. ‘I’ll take it from here.’ He levitates a paddle from nowhere. ‘Talking out of turn... That's a paddling. Looking out the window... That's a paddling. Staring at my sandals... That's a paddling. Paddling the school canoe... Ooh, you better believe that's a paddling.’
Coal groans and goes back to reading.
Back at the schoolhouse, The Wandering Physicist is setting up a projector. Then, he turns it on and puts a sheet of paper on it. Once the projector is powered up, some words and equations appear.
‘Okay! Trying this again.’ He points a laser pointer at the projection. ‘Using the Lorenz Transformations, prove the interval.’
All of the students just stare at the projection. Eventually, Scootaloo raises a foreleg.
‘Yeah... Miss Cheerilee didn’t teach up any of that.’
‘What!?’ The Wandering Physicist is shocked. ‘This is basic relativity! Might not be week one stuff but at least within the first month.’
‘Relativity?’ Silver Spoon scoffs. ‘Sounds made up.’
The Wandering Physicist growls at the young filly causing her to hide under her desk. He turns back to the class.
‘Seriously. How have you not seen this? It is just algebra.’
‘Alge-what?’ Apple Bloom asks. ‘That’s not a word.’
‘Yes it is!’ Sweetie Belle argues.
‘What are you? A dictionary?’ Scootaloo shoots back.
The Frustrated Physicist facehoofs. From the back of the class, Snails raises a foreleg.
‘Uh... I think I got it, eh?’
The Wandering Physicist sighs and goes to check the young colt’s work. After staring at the paper for a few moments, he looks up to the rest of the class.
‘He is the smartest one in the class, right?’
Twist faints from her seat.
Rei happily flies to class. Stormy and a red earth pony with a light yellow-green mane are trotting alongside her.
‘This is so great!’ Rei giggles. ‘We’ve had subs all day. I love it!’
‘Of course you like it,’ Image Crystal grumbles. ‘Your parents aren’t the ones...’
Stormy stops Image from finishing his thought.
‘I can’t wait to see who is replacing Heartstrings-sensei. She is always so crazy.’ Rei laughs.
‘Right. Maybe we’ll get one with some taste in music or at least somepony sane,’ Stormy agrees. ‘I heard MC RC is subbing here while the regular teachers are out.’
The students enter the classroom and take their seats. There is no sign of a teacher. Rei gets really giddy at this new development.
‘Don’t get too excited, Miss Tsukiyo,’ is said from nowhere.
One of the students screams as Lyra drops from the ceiling. She lands with a dramatic pose on her hind legs. She stands back on her hind legs and goes to the board.
‘You thought I would go down that easily? HA!’ Lyra laughs. ‘Thanks to my expert training, I am immune to all human poisons.’
‘In other words, you only ate the confections I made.’ Stormy jeers.
Lyra laughs. ‘Maybe. Maybe I only ate treats made by my wife too. Nopony will ever know.’
The whole class groans.
‘Anyway! On the topic on human poisons and how to defeat them, I am going to give you a special lecture on avoiding human infection.’
Lyra activates a projector and a long list of items written in tiny print appears.
‘I hope you have plenty of lead since you’re going to need a lot of notes to pass the test at the end of the week.’
The whole class moans.
The boards at the schoolhouse are covered in complex-looking, but ultimately quite simple and easy to follow, equations. The Wandering Physicist writes one last equation on the board.
‘And if we simplify and perform the variable substitution we have been using all day, we get this neatly organized equation for the observed motion of one object in one reference frame when seen from a separate moving reference frame. Thus completing our overview of the basics of special relativity.’
He turns to the class. Most of the students are staring at the board in shock. The few that actually tried following the lecture are staring at their notes in utter confusion. A small pink unicorn found a nap to be a powerful coping mechanism. The Wandering Physicist looks over all of the confusion in the class.
‘I think we’ll get to Minkowski Space in another lecture...’
The bell rings signaling the end of class.
‘Thank Celestia that is over!’ Scootaloo cries before rushing out of the schoolhouse and ‘revving up’ her scooter for some afternoon crusading.
All of the other students start packing their bags. Twist looks around and raises a foreleg.
‘Are you going to give uth our homework athsignment?’
‘NOOOOOOOO!’ The whole class yells at once.
‘Crap. I forgot about that.’ The Wandering Physicist thinks for a moment. ‘Play at least three hours of an 8-bit game and write a one-page report on it. Single spaced, twelve point font.’
The class is in shock once again. Scootaloo looks back in.
‘So our homework is to play video games and write about them?’
‘Right.’ The Wandering Physicist nods.
‘Best. Teacher. Ever!’ Scootaloo cheers.
The rest of the class has perked up and even wish The Wandering Physicist well as they exit. Diamond Tiara and Silver Spoon exit together as usual.
‘I still think you are weird.’ Diamond Tiara scoffs.
‘Whatever.’ The Wandering Physicist rolls his eyes ‘You’ll make somepony with a tsundere moe real happy once day.’
‘What does that mean!’ Diamond Tiara shouts as the schoolhouse door is closed in her face. ‘Hey!’
The Wandering Physicist sighs and goes about cleaning up the classroom for the next day.
Ruby Dart hums Code Monkey to herself as she works on a customer’s repair order before the start of her morning class. Slowly, the students start filing into class and turning on their computers. The majority of them are confused when a boot cycle they are unfamiliar with starts. Ruby finishes the repair before the bell rings, giving her time to check messages on her computer before class starts.
‘Okay!’ Ruby greets the class. ‘I was quite disappointed with your quiz scores on basic computer systems and programming, so I thought we would...’
Ruby stops when she notices several forelegs in the air.
‘Yes?’
A colt replies, ‘Well... I think there is something wrong with our computers.’
Ruby is surprised. ‘You better believe there was something wrong! They were all running Windows! It took Mr Wanderer, Lucas and I all night just to switch them all over to the current version of Ubuntu.’ She shrugs. ‘We figured we’d start you there before going on to something more specialized.’
The rest of the class stares back blankly.
Ruby is worried. ‘How many of you have used Linux before...?’
Nopony raises a foreleg.
‘Dear Luna, this is worse than I thought.’ Ruby is aghast. ‘Okay. Looks like we are starting you with the basics. I am going to have to have a word with your teacher about this oversight as well...’
The homework assignment was a popular one and the students enjoyed sharing their old school game experience with the class. The Wandering Physicist also got to talk more with the students who had to come into The Power Block to find a game. The last student finishes their report and sits back down.
‘That was a rather detailed report on Karnov, Snails. Moreover, I am surprised you actually could beat the game.’
‘It’s a gift,’ Snails replies.
‘Right....’ The Wandering Physicist turns to the rest of the class. ‘Continuing in this vein, we’re going to go from gaming history to some world history. Where to start...’ He thinks for a moment. ‘Who can tell me anything about the advancements that Discord helped ponies develop before he was unjustly frozen in stone?’ He snorts. ‘Thank Fluttershy he is free again.’
‘Advancements?’ Apple Bloom is confused. ‘Ah thought he jus’ caused a lot o’ trouble ‘til Applejack froze him again?’
‘Nuh uh! It was Rainbow Dash who defeated him!’ Scootaloo shouts.
‘No way!’ Sweetie Belle chimes in. ‘It was Rarity!’
‘Stop!’ The Wandering Physicist holds his head in frustration. ‘So you don’t know anything about how he spread medical and cultural development to far-flung settlements around the world? Only the propaganda Celestia disseminates?’
‘What is propaganda?’ Dinky asks.
‘Never mind.’ The Wandering Physicist sighs. ‘What about Luna?’
‘She’s the best princess ever!’ Pipsqueak cheers.
The Wandering Physicist briefly points at Pipsqueak. ‘Not Twilight, but close enough. Aside from that though? Did you go over any of how she was excluded from the daily rule by her sister which allowed for the rise of Nightmare Moon?’
The class murmurs among themselves.
‘Ugh. This is worse than I thought.’ The Wandering Physicist thinks some more. ‘Please tell me you at least went over Krastos the Destroyer?’ The class shakes their heads. ‘Really? He conquered a third of Equestria. He had so much power that Celestia had to seal him under a mountain. He vowed to return in six hundred years since Celestia could not use the Elements of Harmony to seal him permanently as she tried unjustly forcing upon Discord.’ He turns to the Cutie Mark Crusaders. ‘You better hope your sisters are cured in the next couple of weeks since that six hundred year anniversary is coming fast.’
There is a flash of light outside, and the door to the schoolhouse flies open. A very-angry looking white unicorn is standing outside.
‘Mr Wanderer!’ Amy shouts. ‘Can I have a word with you?’
The Wandering Physicist sighs. ‘Looks like Big Sister strikes again.’ He turns to the class. ‘Behave and try not to break anything. This will only take a moment.’
The Wandering Physicist trots outside to join the fuming Amy. She casts a spell on the schoolhouse to silence the argument from being heard by the young fillies and colts gathering at the windows to listen. Amy paces around for a moment before turning on her adversary.
‘Why do you challenge my rule at every turn!’ Amy shouts.
‘I am not challenging it. I am just filling in the gaps that you left out.’
‘You make me sound like some sort of tyrant! I always have the best interests of my subjects in mind!’
‘Your subjects didn’t even know you had a sister until recently.’
‘Wha... But... She wasn’t my sister at the time. She was....’
‘So the hundreds of years before she was Nightmare Moon she was.... who?’
Amy twitches under her disguise. ‘Shut up. That is not a fair example.’
‘And not knowing about Krastos...’
Amy shudders again. ‘I-I am sure Twilight Sparkle will have fixed this mess and be ready to face him when the time comes.’
‘You do know she volunteered the Elements to go last as not to seem like she is playing favorites.’
Amy’s eye starts twitching. ‘She... She really...’ She pauses and grits her teeth. ‘Damn it, Twilight Sparkle.’
‘Maybe if she and public knew of the oncoming threat....’
‘Shut up. I hate you so much right now.’
‘How much history have you covered up?’
Amy groans at the question.
‘Do they know about sea ponies?’ Amy’s eye twitches. ‘How about the true history behind Hearth’s Warming?’ Amy holds back a scream. ‘Please tell me they at least know about the first contact with humans thirty years ago.’
There is a loud crash from by the schoolhouse. The arguers look over to see Lyra picking herself up from a fallen bin.
‘Aha! I knew they existed!’
Lyra gallops off, while laughing hysterically. Amy looks like she is ready to explode under her disguise. She slowly turns back to The Wandering Physicist.
‘Great. Now we are going to have to erase her memory... again.’
The Wandering Physicist shakes his head. ‘See. This is exactly what I am talking about. You have to learn to trust your subjects.’
‘But if word got out...’
The Wandering Physicist stands his ground and glares right into Amy’s eyes. ‘No. You will not harm her or anypony ever again! If I find out that anypony gets their mind erased or anything else bad that can be traced back to you, I will reveal all of your darkest secrets to Twilight, and your most prized student will come running down that road any second now, raining destruction.’
As if on cue, Twilight is seen galloping up to the schoolhouse. The Wandering Physicist turns to Amy and shakes his head.
‘MR WANDERER!’ Twilight shouts.
Amy smugly laughs. Twilight reaches the group and gives The Wandering Physicist her most upset glare.
‘Do you think I wouldn’t find out? How long do you think you could have kept it up?’
‘One, no, you would have found out eventually. And B, all night if you were in the mood,’ Jim winks.
Both Twilight and Amy blush from the brazen statement. Twilight’s floppy horn shoots some sparks as a teleportation spell fizzles and her wings stick up.
‘You remember Amy, right?’ The Wandering Physicist asks. ‘You met at the holiday party at my place.’
‘Y-yes,’ Twilight answers. ‘An-a-and do you even know what I was, am, AM upset about?’
‘Not a clue. Is it about Krastos?’
Amy facehoofs.
Twilight is confused. ‘Who? No.’ She sighs and pouts. ‘You were supposed to be teaching at the high school. Somepony messed up my plan and now you’re here.’ She sighs again. ‘No doubt spreading rumors again.’
‘Just filling in some gaps,’ The Wandering Physicist smirks.
Amy snorts at the comment. Twilight looks over at the other unicorn.
‘Sorry for ignoring you.’ Twilight bows slightly. ‘It is good to see you again.’
Amy bows. ‘Likewise.’
Twilight turns back to The Wandering Physicist and tries to glare at the smiling face. ‘You better behave yourself. I don’t want to hear any stories about you corrupting the students while Cheerilee is out sick.’
‘No worries. All we have done is learn relativity and play video games. We were going to be having a history lesson today.’
Twilight nods. ‘Good. See that it is a good one. No crazy stories, okay?’
The Wandering Physicist raises a hoof. ‘They will get the one hundred percent truth.’
‘Excellent!’ Twilight claps her hooves. ‘Um...’
Twilight quickly gives The Wandering Physicist a kiss on the cheek before galloping off to get back to distributing the poison joke cure. The Wandering Physicist turns back to Amy with the smuggest grin he can bear.
‘So I guess you know I don’t harm Lyra or anypony else.’ Amy snorts.
‘Yep.’ The Wandering Physicist laughs. ‘Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have a class to teach.’
‘Luna said you are a frustrating one.’
‘Was that the hundred percent truth? Or was it just one percent of the ponies having ninety-nine percent of the facts?’
Amy sneers. ‘Don’t push it.’
The Wandering Physicist sighs. ‘I might be hundreds of years younger than him, but he could have figured this much out while he was dating Luna. It would have saved a lot of suffering.’
The Wandering Physicist advances and wraps his forelegs around Amy.
Amy panics. ‘What is this? What are you doing?’
‘Shh. It is okay. It is hard running a country. You are doing the best you can. It is not your fault.’
Amy forces back some tears. ‘What? Stop it.’
‘It is not your fault.’
‘Shut up.’ She lets a few tears free.
‘It is not your fault.’
‘I hate you!’ She starts openly crying.
‘It is not your fault.’
‘Release me!’ She pauses. ‘I-I have to see my sister for an unrelated reason right now.’
Amy pushes away from The Wandering Physicist and runs away before she teleports back to Canterlot.
The Wandering Physicist watches her go in shock. ‘I had no idea that worked.’ He pauses. ‘Damn good movie.’ He sighs, shrugs and waves them outside for recess.
Dream Maker watches his class of aspiring unicorns. They are practicing levitation using soft foam balls. Most are barely getting auras on their horns.
‘Very good class.’ Dream encourages. ‘I know what would help.’
Dream goes to the center of the class.
‘Okay. Pretend that I am a dragon and that you have a rock in front of you. The only way to defeat me is to use your magic to throw your rock at me.’
The unicorns try focusing on lifting the foam balls. Dream laughs. He uses his magic to create an illusory dragon roar. All of the kids scream and their foam balls pelt Dream.
After school, The Wandering Physicist and Lucas are working at The Power Block for a couple hours. Lucas is extremely tired. The Wandering Physicist is happily chatting with a young colt as his parent waits outside.
‘Bye Mr Wanderer!’ The colt waves. ‘See you in class tomorrow.’
The Wandering Physicist waves to the colt and the parent.
‘I think I am starting to get the hang of this.’ The Wandering Physicist says. ‘You just talk until they fall asleep and if they give you any lip, you threaten the existence of their entire family. It is just like parenting Rei.’
‘Glad somepony likes doing this,’ Lucas moans. ‘I know I am only five years removed from that grade, but I couldn’t have been that bad.’
‘You have the magic classes, right?’
‘Yeah. I am trying all of the tricks my mentor in Hoofington taught me, but those kids just... I should write him for some advice.’ Lucas sighs and stares off wistfully. ‘I had such a great mentor.’
‘Now, you have an awesome one!’
Lucas looks at his boss, turns away, sighs and stares off wistfully. ‘I had such a great mentor.’
The Wandering Physicist growls. ‘I hope you get better at teaching. You’re going to need to find a new job soon with that attitude.’
Lucas stops to think. ‘I wonder if the professor would still want me as an assistant...’
The Wandering Physicist hugs Lucas. ‘It is not your fault.’
Lucas starts tearing up then runs out of the store crying.
‘Such a good movie.’
In Canterlot, Luna is trying to go about her royal business, but there is a small impediment to her actions. In fact, it is a large impediment. Her older, and therefore larger, sister has been wrapped around her neck in a hug for the past several hours. The show of affection is starting to wear thin.
‘Sister,’ Luna sighs. ‘I appreciate the fact that you care for me this dearly. And I did appreciate you for apologizing for actions that offended me over the past thousand years. Again. But I must take care of the business at hoof. The country is not going to run itself.’
‘I’m sorry, Luna.’ Celestia backs off. ‘I have just been feeling a little emotional since this morning.’
‘Really. I hardly noticed.’ Luna sighs. ‘What happened to make you feel that way?’
Celestia looks embarrassed. ‘Well, I might have been keeping tabs on the Ponyville situation and...’
Luna facehoofs. ‘And James got to you, didn’t he?’
Celestia nods.
‘I warned you about spending too much time with him.’ Luna rolls her eyes. ‘I assume he won, given Lyra’s blog.’
Celestia nods again. ‘He was very... persuasive.’
Luna turns her nose up. ‘Just remember, he is mine.’ She starts trotting away. ‘No matter what your student says.’
The next day, The Wandering Physicist is going over homework questions. He is clarifying points and has written some equations on the board. There are still lots of forelegs raised when he sets down his chalk.
‘That is all the time we are spending on questions for today,’ he says. ‘We’ll go over it more tomorrow, but remember, I will not give you the answers. That is why you have the whole week to finish.’
The class moans.
‘So we’re going to cover some new material today.’
The class moans again.
‘The last new material you covered was all lies,’ Diamond Tiara sneers. ‘My daddy said so.’
‘Well, your dad sell goods he bought for half their sell price since he imports them from other countries that don’t have as strict foal labor laws as Equestria. I’d tell you to ask him to show you the factories some time but if you’re half the joy at home as you are in class, he might want to leave you there.’
Diamond Tiara looks like she is about to scream.
‘Now that our aside is over, who here likes hoofball?’
A number of the students cheer and raise their forelegs.
‘Hold on, you might know it as soccer. You know, real hoofball.’
Most of the legs go down, but Scootaloo’s starts getting waved vigorously.
‘Well, at least we have a few fans.’ The Wandering Physicist pulls a large sack of hoofballs from under the desk. ‘For our PE exercise today, we’ll be going over the basics of hoofball and hopefully get a mock game in while we’re at it. To the pitch!’
The class starts filing out of the classroom to the fields outside. Scootaloo brags about how good she is at the sport. Outside, they find the field marked like a hoofball pitch. The Wandering Fullback drops the sack and looks over the class.
‘Okay... We have a bit more than is needed for two teams. This could work.’ He thinks for a bit. ‘Okay. Scootaloo, you are one captain. Apple Bloom, you are the other.’
The two friends start complaining. A stern look silences them.
‘From what I can tell, you are the best athletes in class. It would be unfair to have you on the same team. Besides, you two can compete to get a striker cutie mark.’
‘I totally want one of those!’ Scootaloo cheers.
‘If it’s like an apple bucking cutie mark, it’s as good as mine!’ Apple Bloom counters.
‘Great. Now, let’s get to picking teams.’
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Thanks to an odd number of students, the last student is being fought over. Unfortunately for the captains, the last student is Diamond Tiara. Unfortunately for Diamond Tiara, they are not fighting in the conventional manner. Being picked last is insulting enough but having nopony who wants to play with her is depressing.
‘No! You take her!’ Scootaloo shouts.
‘Applejack says it is important to share, so I am sharing her with you!’ Apple Bloom shouts back.
A whistle is blown. The Wandering Referee steps between the fighting fillies.
‘Okay. That is enough. Apple Bloom picked last so Diamond Tiara is on Scootaloo’s team.’
Scootaloo moans as Diamond Tiara picks herself up and joins her team.
‘Your stupid tiara powers better mean you’re good at soccer.’ Scootaloo growls.
Diamond Tiara puts her air of superiority back on. ‘Hmpf! It just means I am better than you in every way.’
‘Ugh. Just because you are a spoiled brat, doesn’t mean you are better at kicking a ball. Why don’t you just use your money and hire Buckham to play for you?’
‘Hmpf. I’ll show you that I am better than you.’
‘Oh yeah?’
‘Yeah!’
A whistle blows as a football drops between the currently fighting pair. The Wandering Physicist steps to the front of the class.
‘Okay! Since most of you haven’t played before, we’ll spend some time going over the basic rules and practice some ball handling.’ He pauses and looks around. ‘Okay. Good. None of you get that... yet.’ He starts kicking a ball around. ‘Hoofball was created by earth ponies, so the main rule is no wings and no magic. I guess at your age and skill levels, that shouldn’t be too much of a problem. Another important rule is not using your tail. That one is tougher to do, which is why it is less frowned upon for lower skill levels. After some practice, we’ll get into more rules but for now, let’s just do some basic passing and kicking drills. I see everypony has a partner, so let’s get started!’
The Wandering Physicist blows his whistle and trots off while kicking the ball. It gets away from him, and he gallops after it.
‘Oh crap.’
The students shrug and start kicking their balls between each other. Scootaloo and Diamond Tiara turn and glare at each other. Scootaloo takes the ball and starts dribbling it between her legs.
‘Hopefully, you don’t suck at this part. It is really easy.’
Scootaloo kicks the ball up with her hind legs, slides it up her back and headers it at Diamond Tiara. The other filly screams and tries ducking as the ball hits her in the side.
‘Hey! Be careful. You could have hurt me.’
‘Pfft. That was a normal pass. You have to get used to those. Now pass it back.’
Diamond Tiara growls. She takes aim and bucks the ball as hard as she can. The ball barely rolls a meter in front of her. Scootaloo facehoofs.
‘Can this get any worse?’
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The great match between Team Scootaloo and Team Apple Bloom is full swing. The team captains are going all out for their striker cutie mark. The rest of the class is having fun running around. Apple Bloom currently has the ball and is rushing up the field. Scootaloo tries a slide tackle, but the ball is passed to Ruby Pinch. Ruby takes the ball further upfield and charges right for the team’s weakest defender, Diamond Tiara. She steels herself and gets ready to finally block a forward’s attack. Ruby stumbles a bit in her attack, giving Diamond Tiara a chance to take the ball. She runs forward and slips in the mud, landing face first in the offending goo. Ruby is able to recover the ball. She kicks, Dinky dives, and the ball enters the net. The whistle is blown, and the class starts setting up for the next round. The friends on both teams congratulate each other on the play.
‘Good shot, Ruby,’ Dinky congratulates.
‘Thanks, Dinky!’ Ruby stops to help Diamond Tiara up. ‘Good try. You almost had me.’
The muddy filly wipes the muck from her face. ‘Whatever.’
‘Nice try, Scootaloo.’ Apple Bloom pats her friend’s back.
‘Yeah!’ Sweetie Belle cheers. ‘You might really get a soccer cutie mark!’
Scootaloo just grumbles and stomps over to Diamond Tiara.
‘What the heck was that? Are you trying to lose?’ Scootaloo growls.
‘I am doing my best.’ Diamond Tiara huffs.
‘Your best is what you are covered in!’
A ball of mud hits Scootaloo in the face. Diamond Tiara laughs at her handiwork. Scootaloo is less amused, and she bumps the offending earth pony. Before Diamond Tiara can retaliate, the whistle blows, and The Wandering Referee holds the fillies apart.
‘Okay. That is enough.’ The fillies keep struggling. ‘That is enough!’ The fillies settle down. ‘You’re both in trouble for fighting. You’re going to sit out for the rest of the game, and, uh... I guess I’ll have to contact your parents or something.’ He shudders. ‘That will be fun.’
The whistle blows again and play resumes. The two punished fillies sit off to the side. They glare at each other one last time before turning away.
Marvel greets his class as they enter. He collects a handout from some of the students. Once the class is all present, he looks over the handouts.
‘Hmm. Still a bit light.’ He sets them down. ‘Try to get them to me or my wife soon if you want a say in who we can get for an assembly. The sooner we get votes in, the sooner we get one or maybe two comic industry speakers.’
The class murmurs as Marvel starts drawing on the board.
‘Okay. Today we are going to be talking about what I used to do when I worked on comics.’ He finishes his drawing with a flourish and taps it. ‘I, as you can read, was an inker.’
‘Isn’t that just a glorified tracer?’ A colt jibes.
‘Most ponies think that, but we really define the structure, flow and overall style of the comic. Not only that, if you work with many different pencilers, then you have to match their different art styles. It is an awesome responsibility and leaves you feeling really gratified when you have done a good job.’
‘So... You’re a tracer.’
Marvel glares at the colt. ‘That’s detention.’
At the library, The Wandering Physicist is trying to get some comfort after a long day. He lays on Twilight’s bed while she is at her desk working.
‘It was so horrible.’ The Wandering Physicist moans. ‘How can I be the one in trouble for their kids fighting?’
Twilight is too engrossed. ‘Uh huh.’
‘I mean, Scootaloo is normally fine, but she has this uncontrollable and obsessive streak in her sometimes. That doesn’t mean I am an evil, communist, atheist that shouldn’t be allowed near children. She just needs to have the proper encouragement.’
Twilight lifts a document in front of her. ‘Yep.’
‘Then Diamond Tiara is just a spoiled brat and a bit of a bully. I am just standing up to her as a good example to the kids. I can see that she is starting have better social habits. That doesn’t make me an anti-social, anti-business, leftist who has no business in the classroom.’
Twilight starts filling out the document. ‘Right.’
‘And how dare they say everything I taught their kids are a lie! I am just enlightening their minds to the truth for the first time in their lives.’ He slams a hoof into the bed. ‘I don’t care what they or Celestia say or do. I am going to teach that class how I want and they won’t be able to stop me!’
Twilight goes back to her books. ‘That is good. You know I support... Princess Celestia!?’ She snaps around. ‘What did you do this time?’
‘Well, we were playing hoofball today, and Scootaloo and Diamond Tiara started picking fights with each other. I had to call their parents in and explain the situation. Fiscal conservatives are just as bad as religious conservatives. Let that be a lesson to write your princess about.’
‘I meant, what did you do to upset the princess?’ Twilight grumbles.
‘Is that book about Krastos?’
‘What does that have to do with anything?’
The Wandering Physicist sighs. ‘So she is still covering that up. I’ll have to have another history class tomorrow...’
‘Was your class the other day more propaganda?’ Twilight growls.
‘When you are a foal, what was the one gift you wanted most?’
‘I don’t see how that matters.’
The Wandering Physicist gives Twilight crafty look. ‘It will clue you to my methods. Besides, why wouldn’t I want to know everything about somepony I love?’
Twilight blushes a little. ‘Okay. It was my Smarty Pants doll. My parents could never find one in any of the stores, but somehow one just appeared one day...’ She gets it. She looks up with her eyes narrowed. ‘You didn’t.’
The Smug Physicist grins. ‘Time machines are great for more than history lessons, and you’re welcome, although I don’t approve of your last adventure with her.’
Twilight growls. ‘I hate you so much right now.’
The Happy Physicist rolls off the bed. ‘Well, I am feeling better.’ He trots over and kisses Twilight on the cheek. ‘How about some dinner? My treat?’
The next morning, Kaeko is heading to her class a little later than she would like. Being one of the few pegasi recruited to help out with the students has really taxed her weaker talents. The fact that the students are constantly trying to test their substitute teacher only adds to the stress. She nods to Lucas as he arrives on campus before she heads to the flying fields behind the school.
Something is obviously wrong when she arrives. All of her class is early and in their athletic gear. Shaking off her initial shock, she starts examining her class for potential pranks.
‘Good morning, Umaku-sensei!’ The class cheers all at once. They all have large smiles on their faces.
Kaeko gives the class a thorough examination before turning around and walking away.
‘Looks like rain today.’ Kaeko comments. ‘We are having class inside.’
The class moans as Kaeko leads them to the nearby gymnasium. She calmly opens the doors then screams as loud as she can as a wall of basketballs topple on top of her. The class laughs wildly at their prank. Kaeko shudders as she picks herself up.
‘One hundred laps around the town...’ She growls.
The class moans and dawdles a little. Kaeko leans under her left wing and turns around, drawing a two-meter long katana in her mouth.
‘NOW!’
The class screams, and they all take flight as fast as they can.
A flock of young teen pegasi fly past the schoolhouse as The Wandering Physicist finishes his pre-class prep by messing with an odd closet that has magically appeared in the back of the classroom. The class engages in their usual morning banter. Scootaloo and Diamond Tiara are surprisingly silent as they look daggers at each other from across the room.
‘Oooookay!’ The Wandering Physicist says as he starts heading to the front of the class. ‘The sooner we get started, the sooner we get to recess, the sooner we get to the special guest speaker I have arranged, and the sooner we can end class and maybe go home early. Who’s in?’
All but two of the class cheer.
‘Great! So who has out first homework question?’
‘Cheerilee!’ Ruby cries from the back of the class.
Everypony looks over to see Cheerilee standing at the classroom doors. The magenta mare does not look herself, but she is still able to smile and wave to the class. The Wandering Physicist goes over to the teacher and puts a hoof on her shoulder.
‘Oh, thank Sagan you are back,’ He sighs.
Cheerilee shakes her head and points to her throat. The spots indicative of poison joke affliction are present.
‘Damn. Still can’t talk.’ He turns to the class. ‘Sorry. False alarm.’
The class moans. Cheerilee leans close and whispers as loud as she can in The Wandering Physicist’s ear.
‘Well, I have had some disruptions and bad starts, but I think we have been doing well so far. Have we had fun, class?’
The majority of the class cheers. Cheerilee whispers again.
‘Yeah... We had some discipline problems that got out of hand, but we’re all good now. … I think.’
Scootaloo and Diamond Tiara look at each other, snort, then look away.
The Wandering Physicist sighs. ‘All good...’
Cheerilee whispers.
‘Sure. We were about to do homework questions, then recess, followed by a guest speaker for our history lesson for the day. Just take a seat anywhere you want.’
Cheerilee gives a slight smile and finds a place to sit.
‘Okay. So we’re getting another special guest today. Miss Cheerilee is going to be sitting in for the day since she heard that some parents -- three guesses which ones -- had some complaints. Unfortunately, she can’t talk right now, so please show her extra courtesy.’ The Wandering Physicist goes to the board. ‘Now. Homework questions.’
A group of teachers at the high school are having lunch together and sharing stories. Suddenly, the door to the lounge is flung open, and Rip marches in. He looks upset.
‘All right! Which one of you wankers told them my real name!’
None of the others respond. Rip growls and finds a place to sit.
‘It is hard enough havin’ to deal with a bunch of foals with no musical talent, but now I have them teasin’ me ‘cause of my name and tryin’ to find out what my real colors are.’
‘Maybe if you didn’t try hiding that you are from upper class Los Arion, this wouldn’t be a problem,’ DC suggests.
‘Also, try not using that horrible fake accent.’ Coal mentions from behind his book.
‘What? I mean... Bugger.’ Rip drops the accent. ‘Anyway, I am not upper class.’
‘Upper middle. Whatever.’ DC rolls her eyes.
‘Be nice to him, DC,’ Marvel says. ‘You don’t want his dye job to run.’
Rip snarls. ‘You just love this so much.’
The others in the room giggle about teasing their friend. Ruby Dart looks up from her laptop.
‘You’ll never believe who’s birth certificate I just found.’
All the others gather around the computer. Coal rolls his eyes and goes back to his seat. The Crystals start laughing.
‘Lies! All lies!’ Rip shouts.
‘I’ll say.’ Lyra comments. ‘It has your colors all wrong.’ She points to the screen. ‘It should be yellow mane and orange coat. Birth weight is half a kilo too high, and birth height is off by three centimeters.’
Everypony stares at Lyra in shock.
‘Uh... FOIA!’ Lyra shouts before returning to her lunch.
Marvel moans and returns to his seat. ‘If it wasn’t for your weird hobbies, I am sure the EIA would love to have you.’
‘Please,’ Lyra scoffs. ‘The things I know could bring down the EIA in ten seconds flat.’
‘Right. And the principal wasn’t chewing you out for going off topic the other day,’ Coal jibes.
‘What about your class, Coal?’ DC asks. ‘I looked in, and you were just reading and the class was all playing games and texting.’
‘I gave them the syllabus with their assignment,’ Coal turns a page. ‘There is a reminder on the board too. As long as they don’t disturb me, the due date remains stable, and Droll doesn’t do anything stupid.’
‘Speaking of the imp, where is he?’ Marvel asks.
‘He said he was getting some lunch.’
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
In the cafeteria, Droll ‘sneaks’ around one end of the room. He is carrying an unmarked bag and cackles to himself. He finds a good place to stop, sets down the bag, and pulls out a cupcake. He holds it high above his head.
‘FOOD FIGHT!’
He throws cupcake as far as he can. It lands harmlessly in the middle of the cafeteria. All of the students look at Droll disapprovingly. Droll grumbles then screams as a giant onigiri flies out of the sky and crushes him.
‘Huzzah!’ Rei cheers. ‘How many points do I receive?’
Rei looks around smiling as she flies about her lunch. The rest of the students grumble and go back to their lunches. Rei frowns and lands back by Stormy and Image.
After school, The Wandering Physicist and Cheerilee are cleaning up the schoolhouse. Both are working at opposite ends of the schoolhouse.
‘That is an interesting song you are humming,’ The Wandering Physicist comments.
Cheerilee is surprised. ‘You can hear me?’ She whispers.
‘Yep. No problem.’
‘Then you heard...’
‘You know you weren’t the only one who thought he wasn’t the real Star Swirl.’
‘You just got somepony to wear Twilight’s old costume.’
‘I can hear you from across the room while you are afflicted. You didn’t even question where the mysterious new cupboard came from.’
‘I didn’t even notice that...’
The Wandering Physicist laughs. ‘Don’t worry about it. Just something to help with teaching.’
‘Speaking of which, I was very surprised with how you ran the class today.’
‘Is that a good thing or a bad thing?’
‘Well, after hearing from Mr Rich, I was under the impression that all you did was make up stories and play favorites with the students. I was nicely surprised.’
‘Thank you. I guess. You will find my facts check out. You know Star Swirl has my back.’
Cheerilee rolls her eyes and goes back to cleaning.
‘So what did Scootaloo and Diamond Tiara have to say about me?’ The Wandering Physicist asks.
‘What?’
‘I saw them talking to you at recess. I hope I didn’t come off as too bad.’
Cheerilee thinks. ‘Honestly, they were nicer to you than their parents. They mostly complained about the other, so it wasn’t really something I hadn’t heard before.’
The Wandering Physicist sighs. ‘Getting them to behave is harder than facing a legion of Daleks.’
‘What?’
‘Never mind. Just something.’ He goes over to the TARDIS and taps the door. ‘See you at home, okay?’
‘What was that?’
‘Nothing. Just being weird.’
The pair exit the schoolhouse, and The Wandering Physicist sonics the door locked.
‘Um... Mr Wanderer. I am sorry.’
‘What for?’
‘I misjudged you in our earlier encounters. I see now that you are a fine pony.’
‘No big. I did say that I would love to make it up to you anyway.’
‘I’m sorry. May I treat you and Rei to dinner to make up for it and to thank you for the good job you are doing with my students?’
‘Sounds fun.’ He pauses. ‘Just don’t turn around.’
Cheerilee turns. She lets out a barely audible scream at the white filly flying beside her.
‘Hi!’ Rei chirps. ‘Will there be zerts and apps?’
‘Zerts are what I call desserts,’ Rei explains. ‘Tray-trays are entrees. I call sandwiches sammies, sandoozles, or Adam Sandlers. Air conditioners are cool blasterz, with a z. I don't know where that came from. I call cakes big ol' cookies. I call noodles long-ass rice. Fried chicken is fri-fri chicky-chick. Chicken parm is chicky chicky parm parm. Chicken cacciatore? Chicky catch. I call eggs pre-birds, or future birds. Root beer is super water. Tortillas are bean blankies. And I call forks...food rakes.’
‘Rei. Who the hell are you talking to?’ The Wandering Physicist asks.
Rei looks around. The only ponies around are The Wandering Physicist and Cheerilee behind her. She gives an embarrassed giggle and joins the others to go to dinner. A flock of teenaged pegasi pass overhead.
The time has finally come. The rotation of poison joke treatments has come around to the teachers and Elements of Harmony. Twilight is currently gathering her friends so they can all go together. She is at Sugarcube Corner trying to get Pinkie.
‘Pinkie! Come down! It is time for us to get cured!’ Twilight yells up to Pinkie’s room.
A lot of spitting, a cake and half an accordion are thrown down stairs at Twilight.
‘Sheesh.’ Twilight grumbles. ‘Is there anyway to cheer her up?’
Twilight yells and quickly rushes to catch a pair of flour covered toddlers.
‘Pinkie! That was dangerous! You could have hurt somepony!’
Twilight takes Pound and Pumpkin back to their room. While Twilight is away, the bell at the front of the shop rings as somepony enters.
‘Hello? Anypony here?’ a voice calls into the shop.
Twilight comes out of the toddlers’ room and heads downstairs again.
‘Of all of the days for the Cakes to be out...’ Twilight grumbles. ‘Why did I schedule food vendors to go early?’ She gets downstairs. ‘What!’
Nopony is seen in the shop, but there is a grey tail sticking up from behind the counter.
‘Oh. Sorry. Hello?’
Inkie looks up from behind the counter. ‘Sorry for startling you. I didn’t know you were here. I was looking for Pinkie.’
‘So am I.’ Twilight mumbles. ‘Anyway, what brings you by Inkie?’
‘The family heard that Pinkie was feeling down, and I volunteered to come by and see her... and Rei too.’
Twilight sighs. ‘Best of luck. She’s being very stubborn. Only Mr Wanderer has been able to see her this whole week.’
Inkie sighs. ‘She can be stubborn when she is grey. No worries! We know how to deal with her! I’ll get her out in proper time!’
‘Great. Just get her to the spa for treatment as soon as possible.’
‘Oh! Right!’
Inkie digs in her pack for a moment. She pulls out a small flask and pours a small draught.
‘Here!’ Inkie smiles.
Twilight eyes the brew suspiciously. ‘What is this?’
‘Well, when I was here last, I noticed poison joke growing in the forest. I picked some on our way out so I could make my version of the cure. It is not as effective as the the real treatment, but it can alleviate the affliction for a short time.’
Twilight analyzes the brew a little longer. She shrugs and drinks it down. She jumps in the air and all of her limbs stick out. She crashes to the ground in a heap.
‘What happened?’ Twilight rubs her head and notices her horn is back to normal. ‘What the!’
Inkie smiles. ‘It should be okay to use some magic, but you are still looking a bit spotty.’
Twilight thinks for a moment. ‘Can you take care of your sister and,’ -- she pulls a clipboard from her bag -- ‘my checklist? There is something I want to do.’
‘I guess...’ Inkie looks nervous.
‘Great! Thank you! Bye!’ Twilight yells as she flies out the door.
At the schoolhouse, the mysterious cabinet is back. The class is excited about the return of Cheerilee the next day. To send The Wandering Physicist off, they have made a farewell card for him. He is currently looking it over.
‘This was very nice of you.’ He sets it down. ‘I have something special for you too. Now, what subjects have we covered?’
‘Relativity!’ Dinky cheers.
‘Hoofball!’ Pipsqueak adds. Scootaloo and Diamond Tiara scowl at each other.
‘Star Swirl!’ Ruby throws out.
‘The economic inequality between the nobles and us regular ponies,’ Apple Bloom contributes.
‘Right! So I think this calls for a special last lesson. Something everypony will like.’ He pauses for dramatic effect. ‘A field trip!’
The class is confused.
‘Don’t we need permission slips for a field trip?’ Sweetie Belle asks.
‘Yeah. And if those three are going, don’t we need to warn the national guard?’ Silver Spoon quips.
‘Don’t worry,’ The Wandering Physicist assures. ‘Where we are going is perfectly safe... I think.’
The class starts murmuring.
‘But, before we head out, I want to go over a few rules for the trip.’ He starts handing out a form. ‘You are each going to be assigned a partner. As a team, you will find something interesting and write a report that you will present to Cheerilee tomorrow.’ He gets out his mobile. ‘Now, I tried to match you up with a partner that won’t distract you too much and will encourage you to make new friendships.’
The class moans.
‘Hey! I have it on good authority that friendship is magic.’
The class groans at the comment.
The Wandering Physicist snorts. ‘Anyway. First group is Apple Bloom and Pipsqueak.’ The young ponies make eye contact and nod. Dinky looks a little upset. ‘Next is Scootaloo and Diamond Tiara.’
‘What!’ Diamond Tiara shrieks.
‘That is bullsh...’
‘Language, young lady!’ The Wandering Physicist snaps. ‘I don’t want to have to call your father. Seriously. I don’t. He’s creepy.’
Scootaloo sits and crosses her forelegs.
The Wandering Physicist sighs and shakes his head. ‘Next is Noi and...’
....
‘And so that wraps up group assignments. Remember: the buddy system saves lives.’
The class groans at the life lesson. The Wandering Physicist goes over to the the TARDIS and opens the doors. On the other side is a wide plain.
‘Okay. Gather your packs and your buddies. Once you pass through this door, you should see a large rock. Gather around it and we will go over your assignment again as well as a few more points. Ready? Let’s go!’
The class cheer and start heading through the TARDIS doors. The schoolhouse door opens and Twilight enters. She is shocked to see the young ponies heading through the portal.
‘What is going on here!’
‘Just a little field trip,’ The Wandering Physicist explains. ‘Nothing to worry about.’
‘A field trip? Where to? Why use... that?’
‘We’re seeing a nice, peaceful, mostly harmless, calm, likely-probably uninhabited, definitely-maybe-sorta safe planet.’
‘And you think it is a good idea to bring a group of children there?’
‘We’re using the buddy system.’
‘The buddy system? Really?’ Twilight is incredulous.
‘You didn’t see who my buddy is,’ He hold up his mobile.
Twilight rolls her eyes and checks the mobile. She smiles and blushes. She sees ‘TWP and Twilight’ on the list.
‘I hate you so much right now.’
‘Your horn is less floppy, but it still looks a little spotty,’ The Wandering Physicist comments, staring at Twilight’s horn.
Twilight growls. ‘Come on. We’re missing precious adventure time.’
The class is having fun running around and exploring the alien planet. Twilight examines every little thing she finds and collecting samples for later study. The Wandering Physicist explains all the flora and fauna that the students and Twilight bring to him. After lunch back at the disguised TARDIS, the class splits up for more exploring.
Twilight flies off with a notepad ready. ‘I must catalogue everything!’
‘Buddy system!’
‘Then hurry up!’ Twilight shouts back.
The Wandering Physicist turns to the class. ‘Class. Only two more hours then we head back. If you haven’t collected the item for your report yet, you have to hurry.’ He watches Twilight leaving. ‘Speaking of hurry...’
The Wandering Physicist gallops after Twilight. The class starts milling about.
‘Come on!’ Apple Bloom cheers. ‘We’ll show ya the rainbow waterfall we found earlier.’
‘It is super amazing!’ Pipsqueak adds.
A number of groups follow the pair. Diamond Tiara starts leaving too.
‘Where are you going?’ Scootaloo shoots.
‘I want to see the waterfall,’ Diamond Tiara replies. ‘It sounds fun.’
‘No way. We were doing things you wanted to do all morning. I want to see the forest!’
Diamond Tiara stands her ground. ‘I want to see the waterfall!’
Scootaloo butts her head against Diamond Tiara’s. ‘We are seeing the forest.’
The two fillies growl and glare into the other’s eyes. Diamond Tiara snorts.
‘Fine. We’ll see the stupid forest.’
Scootaloo laughs. ‘Good. Come on.’
Scootaloo runs off leaving the other filly to catch up.
…
Scootaloo leads Diamond Tiara deep into the forest. They travel slowly due to the thick growth and Diamond Tiara’s unwillingness to get messy. Scootaloo climbs ahead and stops on a stump.
‘Will you hurry up? I want to see more before we head back.’
‘What for?’ Diamond Tiara grumbles. ‘It is just a bunch of trees.’
‘And a waterfall is just a bunch of water.’
‘It was rainbow! I thought you were attracted to rainbow things.’
‘What is that supposed to mean?’ Scootaloo glares.
Diamond Tiara laughs. ‘I’ve seen the way you look at her.’ Mockingly, ‘Oh Rainbow Dash. I love you so much. I wish you were my big sister,’ she smirks, ‘or even something more.’ She laughs again. ‘I am surprised you haven’t practiced kissing with your stupid little club.’
Scootaloo leaps from the stump and tackles Diamond Tiara. She pushes the earth pony in the mud before letting up.
‘Make fun of me all you want but never make fun of my friends!’ Scootaloo cries. ‘If you had any true friends, you would know not to do that!’
Diamond Tiara wipes the mud from her face. ‘I have friends! I have more friends than you ever will!’
‘Oh yeah? Then how come nopony likes you? Or do they just like your money?’
‘You don’t know anything about me.’ Diamond Tiara looks away. ‘You just think I am some rich snob.’
Scootaloo frowns. ‘You just think I am some sort of blank flank brute.’
Both ponies look down and kick the mud a bit.
‘I-I like the stunts you do on your scooter,’ Diamond Tiara mumbles.
‘Thanks. I wish my mane was as nice as yours,’ Scootaloo replies.
The fillies smile at each other and pick themselves up.
‘Let’s get back before anypony think we are lost,’ Scootaloo suggests.
‘About time,’ Diamond Tiara sighs.
The fillies start making their way back to the meeting area. After a bit of trekking, Diamond Tiara slips on a log and lands hard on the ground.
‘Are you okay?’
Diamond Tiara rubs her rear. ‘Yeah. I think that log moved under me.’
‘What log?’
The fillies look. Where there was a log, there is no log.
‘Uh.’
‘Oh.’
A large reptilian beast turns and roars at the fillies. They scream and run as fast as they can. Diamond Tiara runs under the beast while Scootaloo is able to fly over it. They aim for the direction they came with the beast snapping at their tails.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The Wandering Physicist has gotten Twilight to come back to the TARDIS early so they can keep track of the returning students and send them home early. Two of the three Cutie Mark Crusaders and their buddies are waiting for Scootaloo. Twilight is going through her pack of samples and making notes about everything.
‘This is going to make a great report to Celestia. I bet she has never seen anything from an alien world.’
‘You’d be surprised.’
Twilight sighs. ‘Not more of that secret history stuff again.’
‘It is not a secret to anypony,’ Sweetie Belle corrects.
‘Yeah. We had a whole lecture about it two days ago,’ Apple Bloom adds.
‘Remember: more information can be found online or at your local library,’ The Wandering Professor teaches.
Twilight growls. ‘I hate you so much right now.’
Snails and Ruby Pinch come galloping up.
‘Mr Wanderer! Miss Twilight! I think something bad happened!’ Ruby cries.
‘What is it?’ The Concerned Physicist asks.
‘We heard a scream in the forest, eh,’ Snails explains. ‘I think it was Diamond Tiara.’
‘Who was her partner?’ Twilight asks.
‘Scootaloo,’ The Wandering Physicist replies.
‘Don’t they know it is unsafe to go into a strange forest?’
‘Buddy system!’
Twilight rolls her eyes. ‘Come on. Let’s go check this out.’
The Wandering Physicist turns to Apple Bloom and Sweetie Belle. ‘Stay here or I am telling your sisters why Winona really was green last weekend.’
‘I thought we were good pet groomers,’ Sweetie Belle sulks.
The Wandering Physicist growls and the CMC salute. The policing done, the two adults gallop away to investigate.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Scootaloo is leading Diamond Tiara out of the forest, helping her partner over some of the obstacles in their path as they make their escape. She tried carrying Diamond Tiara, but the strain was too much on her young wings. The beast is slow, but it is also heavy, and the ground quakes with every step, slowing the ponies’ progress.
‘Come on! If we get to the clearing, Mr Wanderer or Twilight can help us.’
Diamond Tiara is crying. ‘I am sorry for slowing you down!’
‘Shut up! I’ve seen worse! We’ll make it!’
The beast slams into a tree. The fillies scream as the tree falls between them, halting their progress. The beast advances on Scootaloo. She has not felt this scared since Twilight offered her the Smarty Pants doll. Suddenly, there is a yell and Diamond Tiara leaps from the fallen tree and headbutts the beast.
‘Stay away from my friend!’
The beast just hits Diamond Tiara with the back of its claw, sending the filly flying into the tree, knocking her unconscious. The beast returns its attention to Scootaloo. Suddenly, an odd buzzing fills the air.
The Wandering Wizard leaps out of nowhere. ‘Expelliarmus!’ He waves his sonic around wildly.
The beast is repulsed a bit by the sonic.
‘All yours, Twilight!’
‘On it!’
Twilight charges a spell, but her horn flops over as Inkie’s treatment wears off.
‘Oh no.’
The Wandering Physicist sighs. ‘I didn’t want to do this...’ He raises his sonic into the air. ‘PLASMA BUSTER! Lite this time!’
The beast rears up to strike the adult pony. Suddenly, a bolt of lightning shoots through the forest. The beast goes flying back several hundred meters as Rei drop kicks it with the power of lightning.
‘It’s been revoked!’ Rei taunts.
The adults tend to the young fillies while Rei starts doing a victory dance. Scootaloo gives a small cry when she sees that Diamond Tiara is not moving. The Wandering Physicist lifts the injured filly to Twilight’s back.
The Wandering Physicist gives Rei a hug, interrupting the dance. ‘It is not your fault.’
‘What?’ Rei is confused. ‘Duh. Whatever, weirdo.’
Rei marches away.
‘Damn.’ The Wandering Physicist shrugs. ‘Still a good movie.’
Diamond Tiara awakes back at the Ponyville schoolhouse. Her father is standing over her. The Wandering Physicist and Twilight are standing to the side. Diamond Tiara moans and rubs her head.
‘What happened?’
‘You fell off the jungle gym and hit your head,’ The Wandering Physicist replies, winking at the lie.
Diamond moans. ‘Right.’
‘We lost your tiara but if I can’t find it, I’ll replace it.’
‘It is okay,’ Filthy Rich replies. ‘My daughter is okay, and that is most important.’
Filthy Rich helps Diamond Tiara up, and they leave the schoolhouse. Once they are gone, Twilight smacks The Wandering Physicist in the back of the head.
‘You said it was safe!’
‘No I didn’t and you know that.’
Twilight growls. The Wandering Physicist smiles. The couple laughs and exits the schoolhouse. Inkie comes running up with Twilight’s clipboard in her mouth.
‘Here!’ Inkie pants. ‘I got all of the ponies on the list to the spa on time and all of your friends are waiting for you. I even got Pinkie to cheer up enough to come out. Her hair returned to normal when she saw all of your friends again and how much they missed her.’
‘Thank you, Inkie!’ Twilight cheers. ‘You are a great help today.’
‘Can I rest now?’ Inkie asks.
‘Sure,’ The Wandering Physicist replies. ‘I have some stuff to take back to the library for Twilight, but that doesn’t mean you can’t catch up with your sister.’
‘Iiiiiiiiiiinnnnnnnkkkkkkiiiiiieeeeeee!!!!!!’ Rei shoots from the sky and tackles Inkie across the schoolyard.
‘And her too.’
Rei breathes deep. ‘You smell like mint parfait.’
The Wandering Physicist laughs and picks up Twilight’s pack. ‘I’ll take the alien samples back to your spare room so you can examine them.’
‘Alien samples?’ Inkie asks.
‘Thanks. I’ll get to studying them later.’
‘I want to study them.’ Inkie starts looking between The Wandering Physicist to Twilight.
‘Let’s go to the spa and catch up, Inkie-chan!’
‘No! I want to study!’ Inkie cries.
The Wandering Physicist trots off with Twilight’s pack. Twilight trots away followed by Rei carrying a struggling Inkie.
Twilight and Pinkie are parting with their friends. Rei and Inkie are still with them.
‘Feels great to feel normal again,’ Twilight sighs.
‘Yeah.... I guess,’ Pinkie moans.
Twilight puts a foreleg around Pinkie. ‘Cheer up. Everypony forgives you.’
‘And you’re cute too!’ Rei cheers.
‘I can stick around too.’ Inkie adds. ‘I don’t want my big sister to be unhappy.’
‘Aw! Thanks guys. I have the best friends ever.’
The groups starts walking away.
‘You know,’ Twilight ponders, ‘I got a lot of samples on my trip with Mr Wanderer today. Inkie...’
‘YES!’ Inkie cheers. ‘I would love to help you with them! No matter how long it takes!’
‘Great! You can stay in my spare room while you help me.’ Twilight claps her hooves. ‘This will be fun having a research assistant!’
‘Yay! Inkie is staying!’ Rei does a backflip.
‘Um... I would suggest... But after last time...’ Pinkie mumbles.
‘Pinkie. We completely trust you. Say it.’ Twilight sighs. ‘I think we need one after all we have been through.’
‘All right...’ Pinkie clears her throat and poses dramatically. ‘You know what this calls for? … A PARTY!’
Twilight, Rei and Inkie cheer and carry their friend back to the library.
Late at night, a small figure runs through Ponyville and stops in front of a well-appointed house. It extends small wings and flies up to a window. It taps the window, and Diamond Tiara answers.
‘Uh... hey?’ Scootaloo greets.
‘Hi... Are you okay?’
‘Yeah. I just told my dad I got hurt crusading again. Good excuse that covers almost everything.’
‘That is good.’
‘Hey... I, uh, found this back on the planet. I couldn’t give it to you earlier since Mr Wanderer booted us all out before your dad got there. I thought you would want it back.’
Scootaloo gets out a battered tiara and gives it to Diamond Tiara. She holds back tears for a moment before accepting the gift from her friend.
‘Thank you.’ Diamond Tiara does a small laugh. ‘I guess we have something interesting to report to Cheerilee in the morning.’
Scootaloo laughs. ‘Yeah. A big adventure.’ She rubs the back of her head and looks embarrassed. ‘Hey, uh, don’t tell anypony this but I really like you. I mean, really like you.’
Diamond Tiara blushes. She looks around nervously. ‘I really like you too.’
Scootaloo is shock and forgets to flap her wings for a moment before catching herself. Diamond Tiara laughs and gives Scootaloo a quick kiss before closing her window. Scootaloo flies away feeling pretty happy.