Raptor opened his eyes. Much to his surprise, he was no longer in the Everfree Forest. As he got up and looked around, he came to the realization that he was in Riverwood. In Skyrim. Wait… Skyrim?
“I’M BACK BABY, OH YEAH!”
Raptor jumped to his feet and walked towards the center of the town. He’d been away for a millennium, time to see how Skyrim was faring.
As he strutted through Riverwood, Raptor was astonished to find the blacksmith Alvor. Last he could recall, his friend had been mauled to death by a dragon. The Argonian shrugged. It wasn't as if someone surviving a dragon attack was the weirdest thing he'd heard of. Hell, he'd done it himself before.
Raptor walked up and tapped on the blacksmith’s shoulder to get his attention.
“Need something?” He gave his trademark reply. Raptor grinned.
“Alvor, my man. It’s good to see you again! Last I heard you got killed by a dragon, how’re you holding up these days?”
“Killed? What made you think that?”
Just as the warrior was about to respond, a horrific scent wafted through the town.
“Dude… is that… shit? What the fuck?”
Confused, Raptor looked around to see if he could spot the source of the foul smell.
The wind picked up, and the Argonian gagged in disgust.
“Alvor, the fuck is that? You take a dump in your pants or something?”
Alvor craned his neck, looking worriedly towards the town center.
“DRAGON!” Some guardsmen shouted as they ran towards the town square.
“Dragon? Huh?”
Raptor looked in the direction the guards had run and was shocked by what he saw.
“Is that a fucking dragon made of shit? Alvor, you’re seeing this too, right? Back me up on this, I’m not ready to be insane yet. Or, mostly insane. I’m probably at least a little insane already. Alvor?”
Raptor returned his gaze to the blacksmith, only to see him wielding an axe and running towards the dragon.
“Alvor, don’t do it! You have feces resistance minus 10, remember? You’ll be annihilated!”
“What the hell are you talking about Raptor?” Alvor said puzzled. He was never able to hear a response, as he disappeared into the gaping maw of the putrid brown dragon.
Raptor turned around and began to vomit, overwhelmed by the stench.
"Draaf excretum thin umask." The dragon rumbled as liquid feces flew out of its mouth and covered the guards.
The guards became like rapidly melting candles, turning into watery excrement and collapsing into a nightmarish pool.
“Nope.” Raptor stood stock still and stared ahead at the monstrosity. “Nope. I’m fucking done. I ain’t dealing with this shit, fuck your town, I’m out.”
Raptor broke into a full sprint and tore down the street heading out of town.
“FUCK, FUCK, FUCK, FUCK, FUCK! OUT OF THE WAY, OUT OF THE WAY!”
Raptor shouted and shoved people out of the way as he ran down the street. He turned his head to look behind him, and saw that the dragon was following him.
Just as the city gate came into view, Raptor tripped over a bucket and ate shit. After cursing the object conveniently placed in the center of the street, Raptor got up to flee when he noticed the ground begin to soften.
“Man, I’m really having a shitty day.”
The audience laughed so hard at the terrible joke that multiple people went into cardiac arrest and had to be carried out.
As the ground morphed into feces, the dragon landed a few meters away from Raptor. It lumbered forwards and prepared to let loose another shout.
“DRAAF EXCRETUM”
By now he had sunk so far into the ground, he was up to his shoulders in the filth.
“THIN”
Raptor thought to himself: “You know, right about now I wouldn’t mind another few torturous years encased in stone. I wonder if there’s any way-“ But his thought and the even the narrator’s own were interrupted by the dra-
“UMASK!”
Everything went black for Raptor, and he lost all consciousness as he was buried in a mound of feces.
Raptor slowly opened his eyes. There was a bright burning light that blinded him, causing him to wince. He felt damp, dehydrated, and extremely hot.
“Oh gods… am I… dead?”
But no, our hero was still well and alive. Despite the cliché of waking up and believing himself to be in the afterlife, he was merely lying down on the Everfree Forest’s soil.
“Wait, that’s just the sun. Never mind. Hey Celestia! Turn down the damn sun for once, would ya?”
Raptor stretched and gathered his belongings. Today it was time to explore the ruins. What awaited him he had no idea, but he was as ready as he ever would be.