Famous Last Words
by Dafaddah
Twilight stood in the rain, waiting for her turn to speak at the funeral. Her expression was grim. As head of state of the tiny Friendship Rainbow Kingdom, she was pretty much expected to speak at every funeral.
She didn’t personally know the pony being buried today, a famous pegasus comedian and actor named Laughter Patch. Twilight had been a fan since she was a filly, unaware that he lived in Ponyville. Her only memories of him involved his comedy, hence her dilemma: everything she could possibly say about the stallion involved a joke, and funerals were no place for humor!
To make matters worse he had not died a natural death. When she found out she felt guilty that a pony in kingdom had been so depressed and unhappy.
Now she was minutes away from delivering a eulogy! She scanned the faces of the mourners. Many of Equestria’s most famous comedians and actors were present. A number of the mourners had square cards in one hoof and held a pen discretely in the other.
Twilight took the lectern and swallowed. On it there lay another of those cards. She ignored it for the moment as she gazed out onto the crowd.
“Like many ponies here I’ve known about Laughter Patch since I was very young. His passing –” several of the ponies with the cards made a scratch on them “– was as great a shock to me, as it was to ponies all over Equestria. He made so many of us laugh so often, it’s just kind of hard to think he won’t be here anymore.”
More scribbling. Twilight glanced uneasily at the mourners with the cards.
“The departure –” scratch “– of a leading light diminishes us all, only more so with such an untimely demise –” more scribbles...
“NOW CUT THAT OUT!” Twilight shouted. “What’s the matter with you? This is a funeral! Somepony has come to the end of his life, –” scribbles “– a life of incredible achievements which should be celebrated, not mocked every time I use a euphemism for death!”
Two more ponies scratched on their cards.
Ashamed of her outburst, Twilight’s ears dropped. She took a breath as a roan coated pony approached, picked up the card on the lectern and held in front of her. She stared down at it.
Dear Princess Twilight,
Please read this out loud, because I certainly can’t.
– LP
PS - Don’t forget to use the past tense when you refer to me!
Twilight blinked.
“Apparently,” she said, “Mr. Patch wants... wanted me to read this to you.”
My dear little ponies,
Funerals tend to be boring things, with everypony clip-clopping around the issue at hoof: somepony died, in this case, me. To make the event more fun for all, I’ve sent many of you my official Bought-the-underground-condo Euphemism Bingo Cards. Fill in each slot as the eulogies roll by. The first with a full card shouts out Bingo and get a big ha-ha from me. Don’t worry about running out of euphemisms, I’m sure Princess Twilight, our own winged angel, has made a list that she can recite until somepony calls Bingo. (Go get’ em, Twi!)
One more thing. Don’t be sad about me cashing-in my chips early. A certain degenerative disease would soon have made it impossible for me to make ponies laugh, and that just won’t do. Not for me, anyway. Laughing is how I hope you’ll always remember me.
– Love from beyond,
Laughter Patch
Twilight put down the paper, tears in her eyes.
Of course I’ve made a list, she thought. She could see it clearly in her head.
The roan pony stood up. “Go-on then, call out the list!”
“To die,” said Twilight hesitantly. “To expire. To pass on. To perish. To peg out. To push up daisies. To become extinct, deceased, demised, departed and defunct. Dead as a doornail. Breathed his last. The big sleep. Took the final curtain call...” her voice faltered.
The roan stallion called out: “To check out.”
Twilight added: “To shuffle off this mortal coil.”
A deep voice said: “To head for the happy grazing ground.”
Twilight spoke. ”To kick the bucket.”
Somepony else in the crowd provided: “To buy the farm.”
“Bingo,” said a mare at the front. Everything went still.
Twilight stared at the mare, eyes wide. Then her expression softened. With a teary smile she said: “Ha-ha.”
I took a while for Twilight to find her voice again. She didn't think any of the mourners minded the unusually long pause in her eulogy. So many of them were laughing and crying at the same time, anyway! Twilight wiped her eyes and gave them the time they needed to share their feelings. Finally, the ponies quieted down.
“I guess as far as famous last words go, those were pretty good.”
She left the lectern. Ponies smiled as she walked away.
- end -
In loving memory of Robin.