//------------------------------// // Silk Road, part 3: A Sticky Situation // Story: The life and times of Xante, Baron of the Frozen Wastelands, First among Liches, Lord of the Dead, and Fabulous Rainbow Magic User. // by Ssendam the Masked //------------------------------// “You know something, minions?” I remarked happily from my position, suspended on the ceiling of a giant spider lair. Below me, my minions were being wrapped in quite a lot of spider-silk and were understandably enraged by this careless error. After much walking, the drugs in their system finally started wearing off, and they were naturally upset over the fact that I had carelessly drugged them. I was able to appease them by offering them some hazard pay that I would probably be unable to pay until I got back to my evil lair in Ranreia. The thing was probably filled with adventurers and giant spiders right now, uggh. The thought of giant spiders wandering around in my home and eating the adventurers that I wanted to kill had led to me charging off into the undergrowth with my minions following me. We had then entered a clearing covered in more white, sticky stuff than a Twinkie-fuckers’ convention. Naturally, I saw this as the jackpot, the sticky white gold at the end of the rainbow. So I ordered my minions to gather up as much of the silk as they could conceivably carry and pile it in front of me, while I summoned my lawn chair and lay back on it, drinking a cold beer. I eventually decided that this was me being an asshat, and I got off and started helping them while giving them chairs of their own. This was the point where the spiders attacked. I fought one of them off, careful not to damage the merchandise that would spin me sticky white gold. Unfortunately, most of my repetoire is designed to work on humans and humanoids, so not much luck in getting spider-orgasm. Eventually, we were just overwhelmed, though I had no intention of damaging the merchandise too much. How was I to know there were so many giant spiders? Well, this called for me to pin the blame on somebody other than myself. “I blame the spiders for this, because they’re not listening to my generous offers to not punch them in the face.” Greg snarled, trying to work himself free from the sticky bonds. “Well, get yourself out of there! Aren’t you some super-powerful sorceror who can break out of anything when you put your mind to it?” I glared down at his prone form. “Young changeling, I’m a sorceror, not a magician. A magician is a stage performer who pretends to be magical like some sort of pussy. I am genuinely magical. I did not complete an escapology course like you think I did. Even if I had done, it wouldn’t be any use.” I wriggled a bit in my confines to indicate how boned I was. “There’s no hidden knife in here with me, and even if there was, I wouldn’t have any space to move it around.” With a sigh, I relaxed a bit. “All I can say is, sometimes you have to let what is, be. You know who said that?” Greg probably didn’t know, but he glared up at me and sighed angrily. “Alright, who said that? Another one of your mysterious interdimensional friends?” I looked at him with a weirded out expression. “What? No, that was somebody on 4chan, often regarded as an alternate circle of hell. Particularly /b/; do not go there if you value your sanity. Tis a place filled with goatse and goats. Besides,” I lowered my voice a bit so that the spiders didn’t overhear, “I can’t do magic anyway with my hands tied behind my back. Plus, my staff is on the ground over there. I can do magic without it, but would I really want to? It’s all a matter of style and class, my shiny black friends.” Xyleon looked up, currently only partially swaddled in silk. “So, oh great sorceror Xante, do you have any strange and interesting tales to tell us of your boasting accomplishments?” I knew he was buttering my ego like a fat turkey. Didn’t mean I wasn’t going to shamelessly talk about the most interesting thing ever- my own fabulousness. “Sure thing, my loyal and possibly flatulent minions! I shall tell you the tale of my becoming a monk.” I was about to go into more detail, but then remembered a formality of the situation. “Oh, and cue the weird flashback music and the wobblyness that generally precedes such.” I reminisced to my faithful minions. “I was but a young lad, who had already achieved prodigious success as a sorceror. My magical talents and my naturally sharp mind allowed me to breeze past just about every single one of my magical tests with minimal study or effort. Wizards hated me, and I hated warlocks, as was normal for just about anybody.” I sighed, remembering the annual Kick a Warlock in the Fork Day. That was always a fun time. Wizards and sorcerors would find every warlock they could find, line them up and then kick them in the fork. People on Earth call that bullying; I call that natural selection. “Anyway, I had decided that just studying magic was not challenging enough for me. So, like the arrogant little shit I was, I decided to go on a life-changing field trip. Of course, my Ice-magic teachers were hugely upset to see me go.” Actually, they’d cheered and let me go, but that was hardly the point of a story told about me. “And thus I travelled across the continent in search of a master who would be willing to teach me his mystic secrets for an agreeable price. Eventually, I found a master, living in a sacred temple.” More like an inn really, but was anybody complaining? The Mystic Dragon was the best pub in the area. It was right next to the red-light district, the beer was good and cheap, the food was your typical Oriental stuff and there was lots of it- perfect for the young, elegable bachelor. “There was a beautiful maiden who guided me into the temple.” Actually she was a rather surly and irritable barmaid who had a bit of a mustache, was flat as a board while somehow being fat and had only let me in when I’d handed her a couple of gold coins. They didn’t need to know that, so spellbound they were by my amazing story. “And thus I was prepared for the temple, body, mind and soul, in a spiritual bath filled with mystic salts and perfumes.” She’d given me a bath, during which she scrubbed my armpits so raw that they could have qualified for sushi and then threw several handfuls of bathsalts and some generic herbs in. I smiled, remembering the relaxing scent of the bath and the sheer relaxation I’d had. “And they I was subjected to her delicate massage.” I’d tried, in a moment of hormone-induced stupidity, to grope that which wasn’t there. She retaliated by beating me up with a warhammer that had spontaneously appeared behind her back. I swear, warhammers appear out of nowhere just about anywhere in the multiverse, especially those creepy as hell ‘anime’ universes. The eyes… the eyes. I remembered that I had a faithful audience out there who were getting swathed in spidersilk. “Anyway, after I was initiated like thus, I met Grand Master Long Wang.” Ah, Grand Master Wang. He had a room above the inn, and it doubled as an impromptu training dojo. The man himself was rather large, and due to his long life spent fighting, he was covered in scars and callouses. He had callouses on his callouses. He was rather ugly, with a large head and a rather disproportionately skinny body. This plus the veins made him live up to his name very well. Greg choked a little while Xyleon spluttered like a dying car. “I’m sorry, but Long Wang? Really? You’re not making this up or anything? Because if you are, it’s in really poor taste.” I nodded. “Yes, Long Wang. Why is that whenever I tell this story to somebody, they always get up in arms about his name? It’s a perfectly acceptable name for anybody to have.” I harumphed. I knew what the joke was, and I’d laughed about it in private. But Grand Master Long Wang had demonstrated that he could kick a man so hard that he could explode. No. Really. I saw him kick the guy who had come in before me, he turned red and started screaming, and boom, the room was covered in bits of that unfortunate man. Of course, Mr Long Wang was completely clean, somehow. It was then that I realised that I was a bit off-topic. I coughed, then returned to the story. “Anyway, after this long time, I was accepted into the temple, and was purged of my worldly desires.” I’d divested myself of my desires for fame and fortune by placing a large bag of money in front of Grand Master Long Wang and jingling it suggestively. He’d wasted no time before stuffing the bag into his robe and then telling me to show him what I knew. I immediately failed at a jump kick. He’d sighed at that, muttered about how ‘training you is more trouble than it’s worth,’ before demonstrating, in no simple terms, how to actually fight. “I progressed in leaps and bounds, and became learned in ancient and wise texts, purifying body and soul.” Actually, there were just loads and loads of dirty books in the lavatory. I spent many a meditation session consulting the tomes on Dirty Dragonkin Does it Dirt Cheap. “And thus I learned the ancient and mystical art of pushing pressure points and chakra flow.” I half-closed my eyes. “The end.” Greg and Xyleon looked between themselves, as if confused about my magnificence. Finally, Greg hesitantly spoke up. “Um… that was a terrible story.” I glared at him. “No, it wasn’t. It was an amazing story and you are an unappreciative minion. I told children that story, and they liked it.” While I was talking, I strained, and a tiny piece of ice materialised in front of my face. I smiled at that and started flicking through various universes. I chuckled at a few universes, gave sombre contemplation of others. Eventually, I found a likely candidate- a cat-girl, fighting what looked like Chrysalis. I cleared my throat, and made my plea. "Hello there. Need some help in here, because I really don’t want to cut myself out." And with that, the cat-girl appeared with a sneeze. Weirdest way of crossing The Void I have ever seen, and I’ve seen a lot of ways. “Oh, hello!” She said in a rather obnoxiously cheerful way. “Hello there miss. Now, this is important. I need you to look up. That would be good.” The catgirl looked up at me, tilting her head at the sight of me. “Oh, that’s interesting.” I sighed. Hopefully she would actually help me out here. “I know that I’m interesting, but right now some help would be appreciated. Also, if you see any giant spiders around here, leave them alone. I want to punch them. Repeatedly. But getting me down is top priority.” “Hey, what about us?” Xyleon yelled, struggling with his bonds. Serves him right for not appreciating my story. I simply shrugged at Xyleon. “Don’t worry, you’ll get free soon. As your employer, it is my right to get freed first.” “He’s right ya know?” She shrugged and pulled Excalibur out of no where in particular and tossed it up to me, the blade embedding within the ceiling.”There, unless you can’t use your hands? If so would you try a tune? That’ll give me something to work with.” I smirked, my eyes briefly lowing brighter. “Well, I’m rather tied up at the moment, so I don’t think that’ll work. A tune eh? Well, I got one that I think will work…” With a twitch, the unmistakable sound of Sad Violin started playing. I grinned wider. “I think that should be a good tune to start with.” The cat-girl grinned, “Great,” and closed her eyes. A Lyre appeared in her hands and I strummed strummed gracefully. I felt the divine magic going through the music, and watched as the spidersilk surrounding me turned into leaves. I fell down and made a graceful landing, my hat, gloves and underpants still in place. I stretched out, skinny body making various popping and cracking sounds. Then, I walked up to the little catgirl and stuck out a hand for her to shake. “Thanks for the help. Name’s Xante, Baron of the Frozen Wastelands, First among Liches, Lord of the Dead, Fabulous Rainbow Magician, the Walking Ice Age, Lord of the Dance, Three Times Winner of Best Smile in the Land, Former Mayor of Sycamore Town, Current Mayor of Lavender Town, Former Professor of Defense against the Dark Arts at Hogwarts, the Richest man in Metropolis, Grand Master of Ecky Thump, the Epic Level Lich, Sorceror/Monk Multiclass, Most Fabulous Undead in all the realm, The D, Leader of Gamergate, Elf-Murderer, Master of Face Punch, Big Sexy, Troper, Friend to Children, Current Mayor of the Necropolis, The Bifrost, and Maker of the Best Ever Cheese Sandwich!” Essence paused, clearly bewildered by my long list of titles, but she took my hand anyway and hesitantly shook it. “Um… Mine’s no where near that long with titles, I’m Essence, divine weapon wielder, the, ugh, bubble lady, the madness incarnate, destroyer of tyranny, and The Musician. Though the tyranny thing stopped after Celestia imprisoned me in stone for like 1,500 hundred years.” I nodded. “I’ve been seeing a lot of people get that same length of time. BUT ANYWAYS!” With a flick of my hand, rainbow-coloured energy blasted out, neatly removing the spidersilk from my two minions. They stood up, grumbling as I continued. “I can see that meeting you was fortuitous. The narrative continues to flow correctly for me. And probably for you as well, who knows.” Obviously, I had somehow become a hero, and thus reality was going to bend over backwards for me. I love being Genre Savvy. “Ya, the whole imprisonment thing sucks aside from the whole it happening twice and all. Did you know that Celestia and Twilight can turn a simple scan spell into a time travel one? They sent me back over ten thousand years!” I winced. “Eesh. Tough break.” The sound of scittering, clattering steps from far off caused me to turn around with a wide grin on his face. So, the spiders had returned, eh? “It seems that we are about to encounter giant spiders! This is pretty good. Fortune is with me once again! Come, my ally, we shall need to beat on these spiders mercilessly. I may need to break out my Ecky Thump skills.” “So, spiders like Aragog and Shelob? Sounds fun! Know any divine weapons that you wanna try out?” I shook my head. “I’m pretty powerful in my own right. I wanna beat them up so that I can get a constant supply of spidersilk, not kill them.” As he spoke, rainbow-coloured magic started seeping off of me, and the ground beneath me got a thin layer of frost. I grinned at Essence, more power leaking off of me. “Besides, I much prefer using stupid weapons rather than practical ones.” It was then that the first of the spiders came around the corner. “No weapons? Alright!” She held up her hands, and snapped her fingers as a spider fell from above. In less than a second the spider was trapped in a bubble. “How’s that work?” I shrugged, though I was highly interested in the bubble spell she had just demonstrated. One to learn, perhaps? “Most impressive little bubble.” Another spider came, and I just walked up to it, pulling something long, black and oblong from within my Pocket. This was going to be humiliating. “ECKY THUMP!” And with a downwards motion, I brought the giant arachnid down. I smirked, pocketing the object. Ecky Thump was just one of those things which I really liked using. Beside me, Greg and Xyleon were punching a giant spider in the face repeatedly. I nodded at them. There would be a pay raise in it for them later. Essence snickered, “That’s funny.” She then smashed the bubble down on another spider, knocking it unconscious. I nodded. “I wasn’t lying about being an Ecky Thump grand Master, you know. I’m a Planeswalker; reality is literally my plaything.” Another spider came, and I distractedly levitated it into the ceiling. Really good spell, levitation. “I picked up a rather eclectic blend of martial arts- mainly judo and pressure point stuff. Good to not just rely on magic, you know?” “I get it, I know something while it isn’t too hard to do, it is very funny.” Turning to face a spider behind me she leaned down, closed her eyes and sneezed. The spider flew away, into the gnarled tree that was standing just at the mouth of the cave. She then turned to me. “See?” I nodded appreciatively. “Super sneezing. Never would have picked that one. Knew a kid who could sneeze like that. Man, those were the days, sneaking around with Sock guy and his friends, conning people and eating those fireflake things. Really good, you can’t get them anywhere else.” Man, could those guys party. And gamble. Life was awesome with that lot around. I belted another spider with my black pudding. “I get what you mean there, I once knew a Zebra who could burp so hard and fast she flew all the way to the Crystal Empire,” Essence said. I stopped for a moment. It was a rare moment when I was stumped, but that was definitely one of those times. “...that beats a lot of my stories.” I looked around, then went over to the nearest spider. I slapped it, then glared at its eyes. “I need you to spin me as much spidersilk as you can, or you’re probably going to regret it. Got that?” The spider seemed to be considering, then nodded. I beamed. “Splendid!” I then turned to all the unconscious or otherwise incapacitated spiders lying around us. “That goes for all of you.” I briefly flared my power around, letting them know who I was exactly. Essence watched neutrally, while Greg and Xyleon backed up a bit, still clearly unused to my awesome power. The spiders, now clearly terrified, started quickly spinning spidersilk. “Nice job,” she said looking around, “Mind if I hang around for a bit, it’s gotten boring in my universe.” I nodded. “I was about to get a drink.” With that, I waved a hand while opening my Pocket, and my personal bar appeared. Greg and Xyleon exchanged a glance, then just shrugged. “Honestly, Xante, do you carry EVERYTHING except clothes in that thing of yours?” Xyleon asked. I liked how he treated me as the goldmine of information I was. So naturally I nodded. “Of course I do, Xyleon. Why else would I have a Subspace pocket if not to keep all my random stuff in here?” I went behind my personal bar, and started mixing for effect’s sake. “For todays efforts, I reward myself with a Pan-Galactic Gargle Blaster. What about you, miss Essence?” “I’ll try what you’re making, also, no need for the miss, it feels weird considering I was male before coming to Equestria.” Huh. That was weird. I briefly paused in my mixing, but continued searching for my Eternal Glasses. Greg briefly stared at Essence for a moment, trying to imagine her as a man. After a few moments, he shook his head. “Xante, I think I need that Pan-Galactic whatever.” I nodded. “Pan Galactic Gargle Blasters all round!” I pulled out four glasses, tapped them and coughed. “You heard me, glasses.” These were modified Eternal Mugs, designed to always fill with whatever the master desired. They immediately filled with the Pan galactic Gargle Blaster, with an olive on a stick appearing soon after. Nice little touch that. “This is the best drink in the multiverse, I feel. It’s like having your brain being smashed out by a slice of lemon, wrapped around a large gold brick.” I passed the glasses around, and took a hearty swig. The feeling of having my brains smashed out was incredibly dulled by my lich body, but it was still amazing. “It’s about 130% proof, just a fair warning.” She shrugged and sipped it. I hid a small smile as her eyes lit up at the unique taste of the drink. It tasted much like the sensation it produced, and with the addition of an aftertaste like sunlight. “Wow. This is great. Also I have an interesting question. If this multiverse has certain laws doesn’t that mean that there is more than one multiverse?” I shrugged. I’d considered this a long time before, while I was in my prison. “If there is more than one multiverse, then I’m okay with that. The multiverse is a pretty big place and it’s not one I would just give up.” Beside me, Greg and Xyleon succumbed to the Pan Galactic Gargle Blasters, slumping over and snoring. “True enough. Man, can’t hold anything can they?” Essence said looking Greg and Xyleon. I took another look. Yeah, they were kind of lightweights. I shrugged. “It takes a lot of alcohol to affect me because I’m a lich.” Essence paused, then nodded. “Makes sense.” I continued talking, grinning as I took another sip. “I know that you’re an immortal, as you’ve been drinking that stuff like a champ. First time mortals drinking a Pan Galactic Gargle Blaster usually end up like those two.” With an idle flip of a hand, they were on their sides so that they didn’t choke on their own vomit. I’m a caring employer like that. She winked, “Got that right. Found it out the hard way though.” I shrugged. “Immortality isn’t what it’s cracked up to be. I became a lich because I wanted to know what death felt like. Here’s a hint: it depends on the death.” Essence winced, obvious remembering something from long ago. “I would have figured. Mine would have felt like being crushed by a mountain.” She sipped the Pan galactic Gargle Blaster. “Warning. Discord has issues with you beating him in a prank war.” I paused. Many variables presented themselves, but right now, I needed to know what this Discord fellow was. Especially if he was so volatile. “Question. Who is Discord? I’m afraid that I haven’t met the gentleman.” “Really? Lord of Chaos? Wait… What’s the most recent event?” I looked at Essence strangely. She was likely from the future then. “Just got back from the Crystal Empire. I was there for over a thousand years.” “So… You met Cadence and Twilight and the lot?” I nodded. “Yeah. I was briefly… enslaved by Sombra. Little shit. I was going to fight him, had no idea of his capabilities. Beat me in my lowest power form, this which you just saw.” I had no inclination to show her my full might. Essence nodded, squirreling her face a bit. “So, The Crystal Empire. Alright. When you go back try to get Twilight to convince Celestia that Discord can be reformed with kindness. Which by the way is not my idea. On my earth it was a TV series. Also, Twilight becomes an alicorn, and fights a half monkey and goat dude called Tirek. I think you’d have fun with Discord but Tirek will end up being a nuisance.” I nodded. Good to know what was going to happen in the future to a certain extent. “Got it. Thanks for the tip.” I smiled widely. The spiders had made quite a lot of spidersilk, and I looked at it appreciatively. “Well, thanks for the help, but I’m going to have to get going with this spidersilk.” “I’ve got an idea. Mind if I tag along?” I shrugged. “Eh, why not. Also, you may have guessed it, but this Equestria is what you’d call ‘anthropomorphic. Just a heads-up.” With an idle wave, the silk levitated upwards. I then opened my Pocket and stored the selected silk within. I then stretched a hand out, while my minions levitated towards me. “Ready to go?” Essence shrugged. “Sure. Wanna fly back or?” I grinned widely. God, I love using this line. “Why fly…” With that, I teleported, and grinned at her, finishing with “...when you can teleport?” Essence laughed, pleased with my gratuitous teleportation. “Show off. Though I admit teleporting is fun.” I nodded, picking up my T-shirt and overalls that were lying on the rock nearby and putting them on. “Right, let us move to fair Rarity’s boutique for my new, fabulous robes.” “Of course. Fabulousness first,” Essence said, her tail flicking backwards. I strode forwards, with the confidence of a thousand-year old lich. The ponies of Ponyville glanced at me, my companion, back to me. Then, they ignored me. I waved at those I recognised. I had such a reputation for oddness, everybody here had a Weirdness Censor regarding me. “So, you said this one is anthropomorphic?” I cocked my head and regarded her with mild amusement. “I assume that your eyes are functional, but yes, it is.” Essence shrugged, cat ears twitching in the way that an amused cat’s do. “What? I like ridiculous questions. Anyway. Mine’s sort of a mix.” As we arrived, I reached in front of me and opened my Pocket. The spidersilk came out in large reams and I grinned at Essence. “I’ll ask later, but I don’t think you’ll be very interested in the fitting of my robes anyway.” “I’ll wait in the front of the boutique.” That was okay with me. So I just walked in with my mass of spidersilk and grinned. “Rarity, I have the spidersilk, now let the robe-making commence!” The alabaster mare looked at the spidersilk, my grin, then back. Then, she sighed. “Well, if you insist on getting the ugliest robe in existence, then it falls to me to ensure that it is the best robe it can be.” I watched in considerable awe as spidersilk was removed in great reams, cut with unerring precision, dunked in various dyes in order to get that perfect colouration and then sewn together. This was truly the perfect outfit. As it continued, I noticed her humming a song. After a moment, I nodded sagely. A Hard Work Montage would allow her to complete my fabulous robes well ahead of schedule. Music started playing as I swished around, showing the world what I had wrought.. Rather than the overalls and T-shirt I wore before, Iwore long, flowing robes, coloured with all the colours of the rainbow in eye-searingly bright shades. The shoes that poked out from beneath were pointy and golden in colour, with gold lining the cuffs and edges of the robe. A long, golden cape draped down my shoulders, billowing dramatically in the wind. Behind me, Rarity was covering her eyes, unable to look directly at me. “What do you think, Essence? Is this not the hippest of hip outfits?” I grinned. “Indeed it is my colorful friend.” Looking down I realized my clothes were torn up. “Oh huh. Should probably get new clothes every so often…” Rarity jumped up, “Oooh I’ve got the perfect-” Essence cut her off. “Naw. I got this.” I watched in trepidation as she closed her eyes, and I felt the power leeching out of her. I stood my ground, feeling the magic around me twist and warp. I never really liked reality warpers. They had some very loose morals compared to those who prefer doing things the hard way. I watched her battered and torn clothes turn into some strange armour that I couldn’t identify. She then grinned. “Being able to use my insanity to warp reality comes in handy.” I backed up a bit, the smile still on my face but mind whirling. A reality Warper of that power was not to be messed with. My instincts screamed at me to get rid of her, and I’m very good about my instincts. “That is a pretty useful little power. Well, I think it is time you got going. Reality warpers and me don’t really mix that well. But we can meet up later, if you want to.” “Sure thing. Here,” she tossed the ring on her trident to me. “If you ever need help just call me up. I’m available any time. And by the way I don’t fit the norm for reality warpers.” I simply nodded, pocketing the ring. “Good to know. I just have a fair few bad experiences with them.” “Ok. Here,” She tossed me a bracelet, seemingly made of rainbows. I could feel the power crackling off of it. “This’ll make you both immune to all of them, except my own, and give you some of the powers.” I examined the bracelet for a few moments, every fibre of my being asking, no, begging me to take it. After that, I shook my head. I really didn’t like thing that seemed too good to be true and handed it back to her. “I prefer doing things the hard way. It’s a lot more fun.” “Keep it just in case. It may help out with major disasters and such. Anyways,” I grinned, “I’ll get going.” Her eyes twinkled and she flicked her tail in my face before jumping into the air, shouting, “To Infinity and beyond!” and disappearing. I looked at where she’d been for a few seconds. “Normal planeswalking. Never liked it.”