//------------------------------// // Turn 7: Feast in the Middle East // Story: Twilight Struggle // by Twiface //------------------------------// --Turn 7: Feast in the Middle East-- “Embrace Democracy or you will be eradicated!” “Trrrreeeeee Doooooggggg!” bellowed the now familiar voice of Tree Dog from the radio. “That’s me, kids. Comin’ to you taped from my fortified bunker in the middle of the Manehattan hellhole. Ain’t life grand? No, the world hasn’t exploded yet, so you all can come out of your bunkers now. My apologies for triggering that false alarm earlier. Our future is still uncertain, but at least Princess Twilight’s managed to not get us blown up yet, although she still hasn’t gotten rid of those missiles on Isle Delfino. Neither has she been able to purge the enemy influence from our southern neighbors. But whatever may happen, it looks like our expert planner always has a plan.” “And now for the recent news,” began Tree Dog. “Ahem: Tensions between the two world powers seem to be rising steadily, but they are still a bit away from a crisis point. Princess Twilight attempted to defuse the situation by organizing an international summit in the famously neutral nation of Swisherland. The atmosphere at the summit remained tense, the oxygen-low mountain air definitely not helping, as diplomats from the two world superpowers remained on the edges of their seats. In the end though, the Equestrians, despite their best efforts, just couldn’t convince the zebras to agree to a limit on ICBMs—that’s Intercontinental Ballistic Missiles, for those of you who don’t know—and thus the world remains close to war. Meanwhile, as a continuation in their ever more urgent race for world domination, both sides used the conference to secretly gain a bit of influence among the Swisherland political and economic elite. However, the Swish government remains stable, intent on continuing its policy of neutrality between the two powers and refusing to make a formal alliance with either of them. They won’t budge for either of the two great powers, and nothing short of a military coup—or a hefty amount of bribing, if you know what I mean—will get them to do otherwise.” “Meanwhile,” continued Tree Dog, “The zebras’ first action after their refusal to decrease tensions (and the DEFCON meter) at the summit was to announce an even more aggressive foreign policy, which analysts are calling ‘The Breezenev Docrine.’ The doctrine, so named after the dogmatic General Secretary of the Zebrican government, is expected to increase the effectiveness of all Zebrican operations worldwide for the next several months.” “Well, that’s it for the news,” concluded Tree Dog. “Thanks for listening, chiiiiillllllldren! And now, some music…” Twilight turned off the radio and went back to observing the board. “At least that missile crisis is over,” said Twilight. “But I’m still bummed that the DEFCON meter is too low to make coup attempts in any important countries.” “Just stick to the plan, Twilight,” reminded Spike, “Stick to the plan and you’ll have world domination in no time.” “Yeah, you’re right,” sighed Twilight. “I just hope we can keep the phantom distracted.” The phantom, seemingly oblivious to the plan, played the card ‘Independent Ungulates’ for two ops points. The card, being an Equestria-related event, was triggered. “’Add sufficient pony influence in either Yugoatslavia, the Crimarea, Bullgaria, Przewalskia, or the Duchy of Krakow to equal zebra influence’” read Spike. “Quick! While the phantom’s not looking, you could overturn their control in the Crimarea!” This Twilight did, placing three pony influence points to counter the three already there by the zebras. The territory, formerly zebra controlled, was now contested. Meanwhile, the phantom used its points (two from the card, one extra due to the effect of the ‘Breezenev Doctrine,’) to place one in Leboarnon to match the ponies’ influence and make the territory contested, and to place two in Maretonia, accumulating enough influence to take control. “It’s making a move in Centralia,” said Spike. “Maybe you should play ‘Chariot Diplomacy’ as an event to protect yourself.” “I guess you’re right,” said Twilight. “I don’t really have any better cards to play. I play ‘Chariot Diplomacy.’” Twilight played ‘Chariot Diplomacy,’ which made it so during the next scoring of Kadur or Centralia, (whichever came first,) one zebra dominated battleground country would be removed from the scoring total. “That should buy me some time in that region,” remarked Twilight. “I have other things to worry about.” Frustrated, the phantom played ‘Special Relationship’ for two ops points. With the added point from the Breezenev Doctrine, the phantom used its three points to take control of the largest Centralian country, Saddle Arabia. Twilight, disgruntled, attempted to distract the phantom by playing ‘Junta,’ which allowed her to place two influence in any country in Solace or Prekt, and then make a free coup attempt in one of the two regions. She chose to place two influence in Venighzuela to take control of it, then she launched a coup against the neighboring nation of Coltombia. She rolled a five. This five, plus the two ops points from the card, gave her a modified score of seven, which was far greater than double the country’s stability number (one), giving her five influence points over Coltombia and tight control over the country. But despite its opponent’s domination of Prekt, the phantom undauntedly continued its scheme in Centralia. It played ‘Mooslim Revolution,’ a card which allowed it to remove all pony influence in two countries out of a list of eight. It chose Icantered and Nefertia, turning the former neutral and the latter to zebra control. “What the hell is a ‘Mooslim?’” asked Twilight. “And why did I just lose all my influence in two battleground countries?” Suddenly, the newspaper colt threw the daily newspaper at Twilight Sparkle’s front door. It missed the door and broke through a window, then hit Twilight in the face. “That looks like it hurt,” said Spike, noting the skin-piercing glass shards embedded in the paper from when it broke through the window. Twilight removed the newspaper, which was now black and white and red all over, and looked it over. ‘Mooslim Revolution takese Centralia by storm’ read the headline story: Disgusted with decadent and fattening Equestrian food, many Centralians have overthrown the ponies’ yoke on the world food market and have begun seeking healthier and more wholesome options. The ‘Mooslim Diet,’ named after the world’s number one selling brand of skim milk, promises radical weight loss, better health, and “an eternity of divine virgin-fucking,” according to some users. “This is a really, really great diet!” exclaimed jubilant Nefertian Moohammed Fatta during an interview with Equestria Daily. “Nine, eleven months ago I was a fatass neckbeard who crashed planes into towers on Macrosoft Flight Simulator all day. Now I have a fit, muscular body and there are seventy two chicks who want to f**k me!” The Mooslim diet, which promises miraculous results, is not an easy one to follow. Adherents must follw a strict set of dietary guidelines, including prohibitions on the consumption of alcohol, pork, mystery meat, blood, other ponies, insects, carrion, fingernails, paste, bleach, paperclips, airplane food, and a whole bunch of other stuff that nopony eats anyway. “We’re sick and tired of those Equestrians coming into our countries and shoving their deep-fried lard sticks in our faces,” said Cheerallah, official spokesmare of the Icantered chapter of PETA. “Don’t they realize that some people don’t like eating chocolate covered deep fried twinkies on a stick.” Cheerallah’s revelation comes amidst an obesity crisis back in Equestria, highlighted by a recent explosion of ‘inflation’ art that would make Fernando Botero cry. “Going on the Mooslim diet has truly taught me to eat healthier,” reported Cheerallah. “I’ve been growing my own organic vegetable garden, and I’m very happy with how it’s turning out. It’s especially improved since I lost my belly flab. Before, I couldn’t even weed my garden!” “We also think there should be rules on how they slaughter chickens,” added Islamashy, a popular fanart depiction of staunch anti-war opponent Fluttershy. “And with the Mooslim diet, we have some… we Mooslims are not really big fans of Scootabuse.” But despite its popularity, the Mooslim diet is getting powerful opponents. Despite public pressure to stock halal products, Super Duper Mart, a global grocery chain infamous for its stores’ derelict appearances and its employees’ ‘barbaric’ uniforms and outright extreme rudeness, insists on stocking Sparkle Colas, Insta-Mash, and two hundred year old ‘Pork and Beans’ cans. “Theese ‘Mooslims’ are evil!” says Gorge Tush, CEO of Super Duper Mart and Appleloosan billionaire. “They’re just jealous ‘cause they hates our freedoms. Why, if I were an alicorn princess who controlled our foreign policy, I’d send an army right into Maretonia, kill their leaders, an’ take back our oils an’ confiscate their weapons of mass destruction!” Twilight, having had enough, stopped reading the newspaper and gave it to Spike with orders to immediately incinerate it, which he did dutifully. “This sure as hell isn’t going to sit well with our corporate puppetmasters at McRonald’s and Mal-Wart,” said Twilight. “We have to fix this!” Twilight played ‘Ask Not What Rarity Can Do For You’ for three ops points, which she used to force a tie in Saddle Arabia. The phantom, frustrated as hell, decided to play ‘COMICON’ for three (four with the bonus) ops points. It spent two points to take control of Icantered and two to regain control of Saddle Arabia. Twilight played ‘Dakari King Mykan Writes a Terrible Fanfiction,’ an event associated with her opponent in which the ruler of the very unfortunate nation of Unicornicopia wrote a terrible hatefic about My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic. Most of the world ignored it, except for the nations of Rhinolia and Hippostania, which were so gullible that they believed every word (especially the author’s notes). As a result, the zebras gained two influence points in Rhinolia, the Pridelands, and Hippostania, bringing the latter two countries under zebra control. The nation of Unicornicopia then engaged in a national facepalm in honor of their grand ruler, granting Equestria one additional influence point in Unicornicopia, bringing it under Equestrian control. Twilight used the two ops points from the card to overturn the zebras’ control of Saddle Arabia and force a tie. Seeing that it could not completely control Centralia, the phantom played ‘Centralia Scoring,’ for which it would settle on simple domination. Despite Twilight’s play of ‘Chariot Diplomacy, the zebras scored five victory points for dominating the region, while the ponies scored none since they didn’t control a single country there. The score was brought up to 22 to 17. Twilight, running out of good cards to use, played ‘NOPEC,’ for three ops points, which, as an opponent-associated event, gave the zebras one victory point each for their control of Lynxia, Nefertia, Maretonia, and Icantered, for a total of four. She then used these three points to take control of the Roaman Empire, a Primian battleground country. The phantom played the ‘Changeling Kingdom’ Card for three ops points. It spent two points to take control of Reiterland and one to take control of the Changeling Kingdom, adding two more battleground countries to its horde. The Changeling Card was then passed face-down to Twilight, hers to use starting on the next turn. Then the phantom realized that the ‘Breezenev Doctrine’ gave it one extra point to spend, which it used to wrestle control of the Roaman Empire away from Twilight. Twilight played ‘Willy Braeburn’ for two ops points, but also triggering a pro-zebra even the process. The card gave one victory point to the zebras, one zebra influence point to Reiterland, and cancels the coup protection that FATO offered Reiterland. Since the DEFCON was at two, coups could not be made in battleground countries anyway and Twilight placed her two influence points there, moving her influence up to four and switching Reiterland to pony control. For its last action round, the phantom played ‘Primus Scoring.’ For controlling only one country on the continent, the zebras earned three points, but since the ponies dominated the continent, they gained seven. However, due to the ongoing effect of the card ‘We Will Cherry You,’ the zebras gained three victory points prior to the ponies’ point award, so they actually earned six points. For Twilight’s last turn, she played the card ‘Lone Gunmare’ for one ops point, which she spent to take control of The Crimarea. However, this card also triggered an enemy event. The event forced Twilight to reveal the cards in her hoof (the only ones she had left were ‘Missile Envy’ and the now facedown ‘Changeling Kingdom’ card,) and gave the phantom one ops point, which it used to retake the Roaman Empire. The ‘Breezenev Doctrine’ worked its magic one final time, granting the phantom one more ops point, which it used to force a tie in Yugoatslavia. “What does this card do, anyway?” asked Twilight. “’Lone Gunmare?’ Is that implying that somepony’s going to get shot?” As she said this, Twilight’s eyes wandered around the room and then out the window (yes, the same one that got broken earlier). Just outside of Twilight’s castle, Princess Celestia was walking anticlimactically, not suspecting anything. Suddenly, without warning, Twilight and Spike heard a loud gunshot. The next thing they knew, Princess Celestia’s body was lying on the ground. Neither side made any ‘Friendship’ ops this turn. Both sides are docked two points. The score is now 20 to 19. The DEFCON remains at two. End of the Middle War Era. The Late War Era begins on the next turn.