//------------------------------// // Turn 6: Don't Panic! // Story: Twilight Struggle // by Twiface //------------------------------// --Turn 6: Don’t Panic!-- “Communism is a temporary setback on the road… to freedom!” “That was Danny Kaye and the Andre Sisters with ‘Civilization.’” Said Tree Dog over the radio. “Everypony ready for the soon-to-be Equestria wasteland’s latest news? Me neither, but it’s that time again. ” “We’ve just received word that they’ve made peace in the Middle East!” cried Tree Dog. “No, no, I’m not kidding! They actually did it! The ‘Rainbow Falls Accords’ were a stunning success, getting the nations of Suindael, Camelia, and Nefertia to all put down their weapons and make a big group hug. There won’t be another war in that area for quite some time now, all thanks to this. Credit is given to the enigmatic Princess Twilight Sparkle, who was last seen going into her castle exactly six years ago, the day before Princess Celestia abdicated. Neither have been seen since. Anyway, wherever she is, I’d like to thank Twilight personally for doing this. It means a lot to me and our country as a whole. Our public image in the region has greatly improved due to this peace pact, and we all have Twilight Sparkle to thank for it.” “But now… for some… sadder news. While the Equestrians have been making peace over on one end of the world, some ponies have been up to nothing but bad. The Canterlot Intelligence Agency reports that it has spotted missile silos on the island of ‘Isle Delfino,’ once a tropical island paradise, now twisted and contorted beyond words by a vile mustachioed dictator known only as ‘El Presidente.’" "El Presidente’s office could not be contacted for an interview, but the authorities at the Canterlot Intelligenece Agency highly doubt that the island is capable of producing missiles. They believe that they were supplied by an outside source… mainly a nation of striped equinoids on the continent of Emerelda. Sound familiar? You betcha.” “So what does this mean for Equestria? Take a look at a map and see just how fuckin’ close they are to us! From Isle Delfino, a medium-range missile could hit any city in Equestria in just under three hours. And that old DEFCON meter? It’s been set all the way down at level two! Holy cow! Now, I know that I should be telling you guys not to panic right now, all that ‘keep calm and carry on’ bullshit, but I know you won’t listen to it, so I’m just gonna tell you to do what I do right now: Panic! Run for your lives! Get the hell out of here while you still can! Rob those motherfucking stores, hide yo’ wife, hide yo’ kids, hide everything! Better get into those bunkers, children, or else you just might get scorched! This is Tree Dog! Achoo! And I’m getting’ the fuck outta here! Keep following my broadcast, right form my nuclear bunker, where I’ll still be broadcasting twenty-four-seven and shit, to entertain you and let you know when it’s safe to get out. Until next time, Chiiiillllllllldrennnn—” Twilight switched off the radio again and returned to her table. The entire hall was now a full-fledged war room with maps showing locations of missile silos and nuclear submarines, kind of like the game DEFCON, except cheesier. “Well, shit!” spat Twilight as she pondered over the board. “Now I can’t perform any coups this turn without starting an MLP equivalent of a global thermonuclear war.” “It’s not like you made any coups anyway,” said Spike, who walked in holding an envelope. “Speaking of coups, you just got a Hearth’s Warming Eve card from that one guy you helped take over the Fillyppines.” “Lemme see it,” said Twilight as she took the envelope. She tore it open, removed a postcard with a picture of the biggest and most impossibly large battleship the world had ever seen, and began reading the back of it. “Dear Princess Twilight,” she began, “I just want to thank you again for helping me stage a coup and overthrow my parliament. Since then, I’ve worked very hard to consolidate my power. By declaring martial law, I can proudly say that I have imprisoned or executed at least two thirds of all zebra sympathizers in the Fillyppines. In addition, I’ve taken the liberty of rewarding those who made the coup a success with powerful governmental positions and private businesses that I seized from people I didn’t like. I have also become fabulously wealthy by investing taxpayer money in Manehatten luxury skyscrapers. My wife has also made the record books for amassing the world’s largest private collection of shoes—over three thousand of them! Well, thanks anyway for the coup. I just can’t thank you enough! Happy holidays and good luck conquering the world! I’ll be right here if you need me. Your friend, Emperor Great Sun.” “Wow,” remarked Twilight after she finished reading. “I should really support military coups more often. Not only have I completely changed this guy’s life, I’ve also reduced my opponent’s influence in the country by an additional two points! Remind me to stage more coups after this whole missile crisis thingy is over.” “Yeah, but are coups really necessary?” asked Spike. “I mean, just bribing them with money is a heck of a lot easier. It’s also more effective, and nopony has to get killed.” “I was wondering about that,” said Twilight. “It seems like coups and realignment rolls are less effective than they should be.” “I think it’s because we’re not playing the game right,” said Spike. “There are a few rules that we’ve completely glossed over, that are supposed to make it harder to expand your influence. Like the rule that we can only place influence points in countries adjacent to countries that we already have influence in, or the rule that—“ “Pegasi have wings,” interrupted Twilight. “They can go anywhere.” “But that doesn’t explain why the zebras—“ “No time for logic, Spike!” snapped Twilight. “The phantom’s about to play a card!” They both looked at the other end of the table, where the phantom was waiting. After it had their attention, it laid down the card ‘Nuclear Subs’ for two ops points. ‘Nuclear Subs’ was an Equestria-associated event which made it so that Equestrian coup attempts in battleground countries would not affect the DEFCON track for the remainder of the turn, but since its ability was overridden by the Delfino Missile Crisis card, the event didn’t do anything. “That card would have really helped us,” said Twilight. “If only it weren’t for this stupid missile crisis.” “We can cancel the missile crisis if we remove two influence points from Reiterland,” said Spike. “Or if we put two points in the Trottoman Empire and then removed them—“ “No,” said Twilight flatly. “We are not doing that. I will not back down, not even under the threat of nuclear annihilation!” “Be careful with that brinksmareship, Twily,” said Spike. “Or else you just might accidentally start an MLP equivalent of a global thermonuclear war.” “’Brinksmareship?’” asked Twilight. “Are you accusing me of gambling with the DEFCON meter? I’ll show you ‘Brinksmareship!’ I play ‘ABM Treaty!” The DEFCON meter suddenly went up to three and Twilight was given four ops points to spend. She spent two of these points on the Space Race, for which she rolled a four. She spent two more points and rolled a one, advancing Equestria by one point on the Space Race tracker. “Wow, ‘Pony in Space!’” said Spike with amazement. “It looks like we’ve got ourselves our first ‘Equestranaut!’” “Are you referring to that one ‘Bob’s Burgers’ episode about bronies?” asked Twilight, “Because mocking bronies really isn’t the best thing to do on FimFiction.” “Aww, come on, Twilight!” said Spike. “Don’t you have the Equesticles to mock the hoof that feeds you?” “The fourth wall can’t protect us anymore, Spike,” reasoned Twilight. “We broke it down ages ago.” “So?” asked Spike. “It’s not like some brony is going to stick his fist through the screen and punch me.” Just then, some brony stuck his fist through the screen aiming for Spike. Fortunately, the fist completely missed Spike and struck the phantom on the opposite side of the table instead. “Ouch,” said the phantom, anticlimactically. “And besides,” Spike continued, oblivious to what had just happened, “Even if some brony did stick his fist through the screen and try to hit me, he’d probably miss because everypony knows that bronies are fat fucks who spend all day sitting on their asses playing MMORPGS and browsing 4chan.” “Spike, do you realize how bad it is to generalize a large group of people like that?” asked Twilight. “Besides, we’ve got more important things to deal with, like what those ugly barbaric slovenly niggardly chicken-eating sub-equine voodoo-hexing tribal fascist anarchist statist communist socialist Marxist Leninist Stalinist Maoist Joseph Kony worshipping Muslim terrorist jihadist Kenyan Obamaist Jew-hating Zionist imperialist corporate globalist provincial egalitarian pedophile weeaboo juggalo furry neo-con Nazi Hitler Zebras are plotting next!” The phantom played the card ‘Special Relationship’ for two ops points, which it put into the Space Race. It rolled a one. It moved the zebras forward, not getting any bonus points but catching up to the ponies in their technological accomplishments. Twilight the played the event card ‘We Will Cherry You,’ for four ops points. Because it was an event card associated with her opponent, the event itself occurred. “‘Unless League of Nations Intervention is played as an event on the pony player’s next round,…’” read Spike, “’Zebrica gains 3 victory points prior to any Equestria victory point award. Degrade DEFCON one level.’ Twilight, what the hell are you doing?” “I told you I was going to show you ‘Brinksmareship,’” she said. “Now what should I do with these points?” “Twilight, I have a suggestion for you,” said Spike, “For your long term strategy.” “I’m listening…” said Twilight. “You know how you have influence points in a lot of countries in Primus, but you don’t control them?” asked Spike. “Yeah?” said Twilight. “If you started focusing on investing points in Europe,…” continued Spike, “…Then you could easily dominate the continent. And since you have FATO in play, the phantom can’t make any coups or realignment rolls in Primian countries that you control. And, if you can manage to dominate Primus, then you’ll instantly win the war!” “I guess that’s a safe plan,…” said Twilight, “…But wouldn’t the phantom just keep adding points in Primus to stop me?” “True,” admitted Spike, “But you already have a head start. You’ll be able to catch the phantom in time to add more of your own points. Then it will become a constant struggle between the phantom and you, but if you keep resisting, then the phantom will lose patience and look for other regions to dominate.” “That is, if it doesn’t know it’s our strategy,” countered Twilight. “Doesn’t it know that control of Primus means an instant win?” “I was hoping that it wouldn’t,” said Spike. “Or at least it just wouldn’t think about it. If it thinks it’s winning in other regions, it will think it’s winning the war. And if it thinks it’s winning the war, I’m hoping that it will become cocky and start making poor decisions. Let important things slide. Things like that. Kind of like Trixie, the Flim Flam Brothers, Ahuizotl, the Mane-iac, Discord, Queen Chrysalis, Tirek, and all those other villains just before we defeated them. “I guess you’re right,” said Twilight. “Ok. I’ll try to control Primus for an instant win. But we also have to keep track of other things, like the Space Race and victory points. We also have to keep investing points in other regions, to make it look like we’re actually trying. I’ll spend my next four points all on different continents to make it more confusing.” “Good Idea,” said Spike. Twilight spent one point in Veneighzuela, upsetting the zebras’ control, one point in Yugoatslavia, which was still zebra controlled, one point in Leboarnon to upset the zebras’ control, and one point in Tigerland to take control. The phantom was perplexed by this. It decided to play ‘Universe News Radio’ for two ops points, which it spent to return Mexicolt and Veneighzuela to zebra control. Twilight played ‘Mooslim Revolution’ for four ops points. She spent one point to take control of Paneighma and Leboarnon, one point in the Three Kingdoms, and one point to force a tie in Yugoatslavia. The phantom played the card ‘Grain Sales to Zebras’ for two ops points, which it spent on realignment rolls in Tiglerland and Paneighma. In Tigerland, the phantom rolled a four and Twilight rolled a three. Twilight had the most influence in the country, for a modified score of four. The phantom controlled neighboring Leopardia, Vietmane, and Marelaysia, giving a modified score of seven. The difference, three, was removed from the ponies’ influence in Tigerland. The result was that Tigerland was cleared of all pony influence and thereby returned to zebra control. In Paneighma, the phantom rolled a five and Twilight rolled a three. Twilight’s higher influence in the country gave her a modified score of four (again), while the Zebra’s control of neighboring Coltombia gave it a modified score of six. The difference, two, was removed from the ponies’ influence in the country, bringing it down to two. The zebras’ influence already there, three, renewed their control. Twilight played ‘Our Mare in Tehrare,’ which, since she controlled one Centralian country (Leboarnon), allowed her to draw five cards from the draw deck. She did, and had the option to discard any ones she wished but chose not to discard any of them. The phantom played ‘Colonial Plot Guards,’ for two ops points, which it deposited in the Emereldan nation of Elephantia and the Centralian nation of Jackalya, respectively. It now had sufficient influence in Jackalya to gain control of it. Twilight played ‘Brushie War,’ which instructed her to attack one country with a stability of one or two. She chose Alpacatina, in the south of Prekt and controlled by the zebras but not adjacent to any other zebra controlled countries. Twilight rolled a three, winning the war, and added three to her ‘Friendship Ops’ track. As her reward for winning, she gained one victory point and replaced the zebra influence points (and control) in Alpacatina with pony influence. The phantom played ‘Elephantian Unrest,’ which allowed it to place one influence in Elephantia and two influence in any countries adjacent to Elephantia. It placed its two influence points to take control of Rhinolia, a neighboring country which was also a battleground country. Twilight played ‘Flutter Power,’ a zebra-associated event card, for its four ops points. “Twilight, what are you doing?” asked Spike. “’Zebras gain two victory points for every subsequently pony played "war card?"’ You just shot yourself in the foot!” “I had to, Spike!” said Twilight. “I’m trying to save too many cards. Besides, there are only five ‘war cards,’ and I already played one of them earlier this turn.” “So, what are you gonna do now with those points?” asked Spike. “I’m going to spend most of them in Emerelda,” said Twilight. “Something fishy’s going on down there. And for my next card, I need to make sure the zebras dominate as few continents as possible.” Twilight spent two points to take control of Elephantia, one point to take control of Buffalonia, and one point to take control of Yugoatslavia. “Let’s wait and see what it does next,” said Twilight. For its last action round of the turn, the phantom played ‘Zasser,’ an early war card which removed half the pony influence in Nefertia and replaced it with two zebra influence. It was a card it had been waiting to play for a long time. “Shit,” said Spike. “Now they control Nefertia and dominate the continent. What now?” “I’ll have to postpone my glorious plan,” said Twilight. “I might play ‘Summit’ during the headline phase next turn, but I’ll need some points first. I play: ‘Hasta la Victoria Siempre’ for three ops points.” She placed two influence points in Nefertia and one in Icantered, taking control of both. “I sure hope they don’t spoil it by playing some dick move of a card,” said Twilight. “Otherwise we might be in for a world of hurt.” The ponies reached their required amount of ‘Friendship Operations,’ and thus were not docked any points. The zebras did not do any ‘Friendship Operations,’ and were docked two points. The score now stands at 22 to 12. The DEFCON remains at two, on the very brink of war. After the end of the next turn, the game will enter the Late War Era.