//------------------------------// // 1 - In Which the Universe Hates Ditzy Doo (Rewritten) // Story: The Derp Note // by Frogmyre //------------------------------// As the Death Note fell through the sky outside the school of a certain Light Yagami, it hit an multidimensional portal. The chances of this happening were about a million-to-one, but the universe really didn't care about those odds. As it continued to fall through the portal, it started to change. The text, once reading Death Note, now read Derp Note. The instructions, once talking about humans and death, now talked about ponies and derp. It had turned into the Derp Note. No one has been able to figure out why, concretely. One prevailing theory is that the universe was in a bad mood that day. The other predominant assumption was that the very nature of the Equestrian universe into which it had fallen was too happy, and could not allow for such a thing as a Death Note to exist, so it was forced to turn into a Derp Note. However, at this point in time, it makes no difference as to why it happened, but that it did happen, and that the Derp Note had fallen into the most curious of places, right in front of one Ditzy Doo. Ditzy pulled the last letter out of her mailbag, double checked the address to make sure she had memorized it correctly, and put it into the mailbox of the house in front of her. "Finally, I'm done with the day's mail. Now I can go home and relax for a bit," she thought to herself, as she turned to head home. As she set off, she heard a loud thump come from behind her. She jumped, and quickly turned around to investigate the strange noise. Looking around, she noticed a strange book upon the ground, with the title of Derp Note. She walked over to the book and picked it up off the ground. She opened it up and read the first rule, 'The pony whose name is written in this note shall Derp.' "What does that even mean?" she wondered, as she continued to look over the notebook for some sign of its origin. An idea as to its origins, and as to how it landed right in front of her, suddenly struck her. Looking around, she said, "Alright guys, you can come out now. Ha ha, you fooled me. Yes, let's all pick on the mare who has funny eyes! Oh, I'm sure that she won't mind," with a combination of sarcasm and anger in her voice. It hurt when ponies made fun of her for her eyes, and it made her angry when they did. A few minutes passed, but still nopony appeared. Feeling worried and starting to look around frantically, she begged, "Okay guys, you can cut it out now. It's not funny any more. You've had your laugh, now show yourselves! Please!" all traces of sarcasm and anger in her voice replaced with fear, as no one answered her cries. Ditzy looked over the notebook she was holding in her hooves once more. "Maybe this thing is for real? But what does it even do? I suppose the only way to find out is if I use it. And to do that, I'm going to need a quill. Fortunately, I know just the place!" she thought to herself, as she started to run towards the Quill-and-Sofa store. Outside of the store, she accidentally bumped into a mint-green unicorn, who had a two-tone mane, one shade an even paler green, the other a simple white. For a cutie mark, she had what appeared to be a harp. "Watch where you're going next time!" the unicorn snapped, turning to glare at Ditzy. "I'm sorry, I'm sorry! I didn't see you there. I must apologize, Miss...?" Ditzy asked, not recognizing the pony whom she had bumped into. An idea came to her, as she waited for the unicorn to reply. She needed a test subject for the Derp Note, and here she was, being presented with the perfect one. "My name is Lyra. Lyra Heartstrings, if it's that important to you. But why did you want to know my name?" Lyra asked, still sounding somewhat angry, but with a hint of confusion in her voice. "Oh, I just like to know the name of ponies I accidentally injure. It... happens a lot, you see," Ditzy explained. It was half true, too. She had accidentally injured a few ponies before, and by that time she had learned it was much easier to find out the name of whoever it was. Of course, she had to make sure she didn't seem too eager to learn Lyra's name, lest she draw suspicion upon herself. "Okay then..." Lyra said, before she started to head home and contemplate just how weird some mares could be. She should know; her roommate was Bonbon, a pony notoriously hard to live with. "Okay so... I was getting a quill, right?" Ditzy muttered to herself as she stood in front of the store. Taking a look at the sign, a picture of a quill and a sofa, reassured her. "Yeah, that's right. Normally I'd use one of my own feathers, but I need one quickly," she reasoned to herself, as she prepared to enter. She waved hello to Davenport, the pony in charge of the store, as she entered. The first thing she saw were the sofas, with a 20% off sale going on, but that didn't interest her. She trotted briskly over to where the quills were stored, near the back. Her eyes scrolled through the available quills, until she saw one she liked, dark black in color. It was probably from a raven, one who shall speak nevermore. She payed for it and exited the store. Ditzy looked up into the sky and saw it was getting late. As she started flying back home, she pondered all of the things she could do with the thing she was carrying. "Derp Note? Just how much power could one little notebook have? It couldn't possibly do that much, right?" she thought as she landed right in front of her house. She walked inside the house, and walked up to her kitchen table. She put the notebook onto the table, and laid the quill beside it. "Now, what was I supposed to do?" she wondered absentmindedly. "Oh yes, that's it. Write the name of the pony, and have a clear image of her face while doing so. After forty seconds, the pony shall Derp. How oddly specific," she commented as she reread the rules, before starting to write 'Lyra Heartstrings.' As she got close to the end of Heartstrings, a sudden realization occurred to her. "Wait... how am I going to even know what happens to her? I don't even know where she lives. I'd better head to the post office and find out," she thought, stopping herself before she finished the final S in Heartstrings. She put her quill behind her ear, picked up the notebook once more, and walked out of her house, a plan forming in her mind. Ditzy headed towards the post office, glad it was still open, even this late in the day. Entering, she flew straight over to where the addresses were kept, inside a filing cabinet, and ignored the inquisitive glances of the other mailponies whose shifts hadn't finished yet. Taking a quick look at the cabinet, she pulled out the drawer with a large 'H' emblazoned on it. Flicking through the files, she finally found Heartstrings. "1234 Harp Street, Canterlot. 1234? That sounds like the combination an idiot would have on his safe," Ditzy said out loud, not noticing somepony right behind her. "1234?! That's the combination to my safe! Can anyone cover my shift? I've got to go! I'll see you all later!" he yelled, running out of the post office upon hearing what Ditzy had said. Everypony else in the post office just groaned, and got back to doing whatever they had been doing before the interruption. One even muttered something about how annoying and frequent these types of things were. As she exited the post office, she took a few moments to reflect on her plan. "Is what I am doing right? I mean, I still don't know what this thing even does. For all I know, it could do absolutely nothing, or even backfire and affect me. But I have to try, if only for the possibility of having my revenge on those who picked on me because of my eyes. And my revenge shall be sweet, should it happen. And with any luck, it will," she hoped. A few minutes later, Ditzy found herself flying over Canterlot, looking for Harp Street. Now, this may seem off, but the post office was surprisingly close to Canterlot, as they had to deliver there from time to time. Fortunately for Ditzy, the universe felt kind, and allowed her to find Harp Street quickly. Landing, she started to look around the street, for Lyra's house. As luck would have it, it was right behind her. She looked into the window and saw both Lyra and Bonbon. "Perfect. Now I can find out the true power of the Derp Note, and how other ponies would react to it!" Ditzy cackled, in a manner that could only be described as evil. Evil laughter was apparently a side effect of prolonged exposure to the Derp Note. Laying the notebook onto a nearby crate, she finished the final S. Peaking into the window, she started to slowly count down from forty. 40... 39... 38... Lyra looked out the window, and muttered to herself, "I could have sworn I heard a voice come from outside." Fortunately for Ditzy, Lyra had done this just after Ditzy ducked down, realizing that she could easily be seen. So when Lyra looked outside, she didn't see anypony, and added to her previous statement, "I suppose it was my imagination then. Or maybe it was Bonbon." Bonbon obliviously continued to read her newspaper, not having heard what Lyra had said. 37... 36... 35... Ditzy continued to count down, barely able to contain her excitement. The very idea of such a notebook enthralled her. She continued to hope that it would have some sort of desirable effect. 34... 33... 32... Celestia looked out over Canterlot, and wondered if either her or her faithful student would be invited to one of Prince Bluebloods' parties anytime soon. She dreaded the very thought of it. Those parties were even more boring than the Grand Galloping Gala, and that's saying something. 31... 30... 29... Bluebloods' ears started to ring, as he looked around wondering which pony was talking about him. As the ringing continued it became more annoying. However, he wouldn't let that stop him, as he had something on his mind: the party he was throwing. He was convinced he could make it better than most Canterlot parties, which had a reputation of being extremely boring. Of course, he did have competition, in the form of Pinkie's party, which was being thrown on the same day as his, tomorrow, but he didn't know that. Even if he did, he wouldn't let that stop him. 28... 27... 26... Over in Ponyville, Twilight got out of bed, stretched, looked around her library, and exclaimed, "Spike! This feels like one of those days where absolutely nothing could go wrong!" There were several wrong facts with this. First and foremost was that it was late in the day, and she only thought it was tommorow. The second was that the very act of saying that tended to cause things to go badly. 25... 24... 23... Spike shot out of his bed when he heard his name, but went back to huddling under the covers when Twilight finished. "Twilight, please don't say that. That's like saying don't look down. This means something bad WILL happen now!" he warned. Spike was right here, not that he knew it. 22... 21... 20... "Oh Spike you silly dragon, you don't really believe that, do you?" Twilight asked, in the tone of voice a mother uses when confronted with a foal who has just asked a silly question. 19... 18... 17... "I... suppose not," Spike replied, hesitantly poking his head from under the covers. 16... 15... 14... "Well then, get out from under your covers, and help me with my preparations," Twilight said, as she picked up a list with her magic, "We have a big day ahead of ourselves." 13... 12... 11... Spike hopped out of his bed, and looked out of the window. "You... do know that it's still pretty late into the day, almost night time? And that Pinkie's party is tomorrow, right?" he asked, looking at Twilight in confusion. Twilight, upon looking out of the window, facehoofed, and flopped onto the bed, exhausted, her plans for the morning still in her head. 10... 9... 8... Back in Canterlot, Ditzy was still counting down. She started to tremble in anticipation, as she reached the single digits. She could barely take the suspense. 7... 6... 5... Bonbon continued to read the newspaper she had picked up earlier. "Fire Spreads in Neigh Jersey. No One Seems to Care" was the main headline. Bonbon didn't care either. Probably because of the main reason she had picked up the newspaper: to ignore Lyra. That, and nopony seemed to care about Neigh Jersey. 4... 3... 2... Lyra suddenly felt a bit queasy, and started frantically looking for a glass of water, hoping it would help. 1... Ditzy trembled even harder, as she was onto the final second. She intently stared into the window, hoping against hope that the Derp Note would do something.