Raiden seemed like a genuinely good bloke.
Genuinely. He actually seemed like for a moment that he might help us out in some way. Instead, he shot off ahead, neglected to tell us that there was a massive trench in the woods ahead, and then decided to disappear. Effectively, that left us looking over a bridgeless gap (Of course, with undeterminable depth to rocks below), and the castle we needed to reach was over on the other side. And effectively, that meant our little expedition was screwed. I hocked and spat into the abyss as I looked down into it, undoubtedly getting me a few looks from the girls for being so vulgar. "Bloody hell," I grunted, kicking some rocks down there. I paused briefly, then chuckled, turning to Rainbow. "Those wings a' yours wouldn't be strong enough to be able to lift us over there, eh, Spectrum Head?" She dust blew some mane from her eyes and rolled her irises.
"This isn't a time to be starting arguments, Face," Twilight reprimanded, before moving up beside me and looking into the drop. She narrowed her eyes and focused on something, then smiled. "Rainbow, there looks like there's a rope-bridge still down there. Do you think you could drag the other end into place on the other side and tie it up?" This put some cheer back into the rainbow mare, and she mock-saluted.
"Aye-aye!" she grinned, before shooting down the drop and grabbing a piece of dangling rope. Obviously, as the bridge came up, it became less and less likely that I'd be able to cross it. The planks looked ready to break at any moment, so I instantly doubted that I could cross, being a heavily armed man. I looked down at Twilight.
"Hey, I don't think I can get over this one," I said, giving her a brief nudge with my boot. She raised a brow and looked up at me.
"Of course you can, there's no need to be scared of anything!" she suddenly beamed. "Remember what Pinkie Pie's song said, and you'll do just fine."
"No, you don't get this, I physically cannot go over it." I pointed to the bridge. "Look, you think that'll hold my weight, fine by me. You can do anything that makes that wood stronger, I'll gladly cross. But right now that's like a bridge made of breadsticks. I'll need to find some other way over this gap. If there's any place we can meet, I'll try my hardest to follow you there." Twilight paused.
"Are you sure you can't just cross? We need your help." I groaned, and rubbed my forehead.
"Look...Twilight." I knelt down. "I know that what we're doing is dangerous. We've almost been killed by a cyborg, aliens, and each other. So I honestly understand you have reason to be concerned about me going off on my own. Plus, I still owe you for stepping in with Nancy earlier, otherwise I would have lost that argument and looked like an idiot, and nopony would trust me." Twilight smiled. "You're a smart mare, Twilight. You'll get this done." I scratched behind her ear briefly, before standing up and turning to the other girls. "Well, girls, I'm gonna be heading a different path. I can't get over that bridge, it's too weak. So: Applejack, Pinkie, Twilight, Rarity, Rainbow, Flutterby, it's time for me to go a different way. If I don't see you again, I'm dead."
Applejack inhaled slightly.
"...or a bit lost."
She exhaled.
"Well," I sighed, raising a hand as I turned, "Adiòs, pendejos." The girls gave an assorted mix of 'OK, bye bye' and I could hear Rainbow making a rather indiscreet 'Get lost and don't come back'. I didn't mind though, I thought as I clambered up some tired old rocks. The rope bridge creaked behind me, signalling that they'd started going across. I had a little less time to find a way over the gap and into the castle, so I hastened slightly as I slid down the stones to the waiting dirt. Before I reached the bottom, I leapt from the rock, landing safely on the ground and not injuring myself in the process. Giving my new surroundings a quick once-over to make sure there wasn't any shimmering camouflage in the bushes. When nothing showed up, I looked back at the castle to see if the girls had made it over the bridge, which they had at that point. Smiling slightly, I was just giving the rest of the castle a look when there was something I'm so thankful I saw eight then.
Even in the low light, a blink of light reflecting from a shiny surface caught my attention and I was unwilling to take a chance. I quickly dived out of the way merely a half second before a bullet zipped over my head. I threw myself over a nearby rock to crouch behind it, and fumbled to get my rifle ready as more bullets flew over my hat. I had a sense of déjà vu, since I felt the exact same amount of tension as I did on my last day of work when I crouched behind the jersey barrier, but nevertheless I planned to win this time. Cautiously, I grabbed a nearby stick and slowly peeked it over the top of the rock. Instantly, it was shot straight in half and the top part went flying into the brush. I recoiled sharply, and rethought my ideas whilst my brain argued with itself.
'So, whoever this sniper is, he's good. Really good. He shot a twig in half from over a 20 meter ravine, plus he was on what I think was the top floor of the castle, so he must be an assassin of some kind. Possibly a political one.'
'And why would he be political? He could just be any old marksman!'
'Ah, yes, intelligent side of the brain, but what you're missing is the fact that I am the side of the brain running this body's trigger finger, kicking foot, and psychotic gein systems. And all you have are the holding a rifle arm, landing leg, and smiling systems, so you can't do ANYTHING about this. So shut up.'
'Fine. What's the plan?'
'Well, I was going to say sit here and cry, but that's just lazy. So what I think we should do is make our way over the ravine by using that flimsy looking stone bridge I can see just over there, and then make our way into the castle and find the sniper. Then, we cut him into tiny pieces and steal his hat.'
'Bloody hell, why didn't I just make us commit suicide when I had a pistol that one time?'
'Because a pistol round to the head would do about as much damage as a staple-gun, if it's by Mann Co.'s standard of tech. Still can't believe they fired a guy for bringing a Colt 1911 to work that one time.'
'I don't remember that.'
'That's because you're a boring pleb. Now come on, let's get to that bridge.'
I went into a low crouch, rifle in hand, and prepared to sprint to the next cluster of rocks. I could already feel the crosshairs set just on the side of the rocks to be ready to catch me out, so to make him have a brief delay in actually firing at me, I grabbed the first thing I had, which was the metal handle to that alien sword, and peeked it out. By my experience, metal in any form was completely bullet resistant, as demonstrated by barrels with thin shells, Mann Co. Supply Crate locks, thin tin walls, but surprisingly not Soldier helmets which were DESIGNED to stop bullets. So, with the idea of complete bulletproofing in mind, I held the handle out only for a round to hit it and detonate the remaining 10% plasma in the sword. This wasn't enough to kill me, but it was enough to send me flying backwards and smash my head against a rock.
My vision drifted away into blackness and the last thing I remember seeing whilst out there was a woman in a yellow jumpsuit with blue hair inspecting my rifle.
I could definitely feel something.
It was painful, and I didn't really want to feel that.
My head hurt, that was one thing, but I felt like I was near a fire of some kind and it was warming my body back up from the cold harshness of Nancy's night. Gently, I opened my eyes and cast a glance about. Where was I? There was a stone roof, and as sound returned I could hear gentle violin music playing from what sounded like an old radio set. Turning my head, I was able to identify a window, a small bookcase, tattered banner, and mossy stone walls. I wasn't lying on a stone floor, and this was certainly an unusual prison cell if it was meant to be one. Had I been captured at the same time that Nancy won? Did she decide to suddenly forgive me in some cruel deal that requires me to do politics in exchange for my life? I hoped not.
Wincing, I tried to move but was stopped by a pair of hands. "Stop," said a German accented voice. "You will only do your body even more damage." I lay back down, and turned my head to look at the man speaking. He was a middle-aged fellow in a suit and fedora, with a pair of circular glasses and a satchel of ammunition over his torso. His clothes were quite tattered, and smelled of death: Even from where I was, I could smell the unmistakeable smell of blood that had set into clothes due to a lack of washing. On the days where I'd get a knife kill back in Badwater, I'd normally spend all day being irritated by the smell of my victims innards. He didn't really look that hostile, either. No alien maw, no robot helmet, nothing. He was just a German in a suit.
"Alright," I replied finally. "Who are you, and where am I?" The man sat back slightly, pouring himself a cup of tea from a pot that I was unable to see due to its position.
"My name is Doctor Schwaiger. I worked for the Führer in gathering pieces of the Sagarmartha Relic for his final plan," he explained as though it was an everyday thing to be saying. I was almost tempted to sit up.
"You worked for Hitler? The guy who punched down all those buildings in World War 2? He was pretty evil, are you evil?"
"Was?" he replied, looking at me. "No, no, Hitler did nothing of the sort. Instead, he called upon Satan to help him win against the Allies. And...that didn't end well."
"But what happened?"
"He summoned legions of the undead using arcane magic and rituals. Walking corpses swarmed over Europe, and fairly soon overran Germany. I was just unfortunate enough to have been in Berlin at the time that the dead...stopped being that way." I looked at him. 'Tell him zombies aren't real.'
"Zombies aren't real, mate," I said flatly. He didn't seem taken aback at all.
"Hmmph. As you say. The only reason I am here is because a Mrs. Nancy Michaels-"
"-was looking for someone to help her in Equestria?" I finished for him. He was surprised.
"Yes," he nodded. "How did you know?"
"Same happened to me. Only I didn't like how she treated the civilian population and turned against her. Did she look for you as a Medic or Advisor or something?"
"No, as a Sniper," he replied calmly, gesturing to the window. Now the blurring had gone down, I was able to make out a set of carefully laid out magazines, plus a Springfield rifle. "I survived a fortnight out in the infested city with a German Officer, Russian Soldier, and American Sniper, and then it was only when I stayed awake in a safe house that Mrs. Michaels suddenly appeared and offered me this job. Since I wasn't exactly thinking straight, I took it, and now my entire co-worker force consists of aliens, witches, and robot men." I didn't want to ask about the witches, since I'd already encountered two of those enemy types. I knew Raiden existed, and I had the abdominal bruising to prove I'd met the Elites, so I didn't want the poisoning to say I'd met the witches. Regardless, I pressed on as he got to work bandaging my arms to cover a set of grim looking burns.
"So what happened? Why am I here?" I asked.
"Well," he sighed, "What you did was attempt to distract me by making me shoot a highly volatile container of unregulated plasma, which resulted in an explosion which knocked you out. One of the witches went over to loot you, which I'm certain you will later correct, and then she brought you up here for me to look after. Ironic that I was told to shoot you on sight, hmm?" I winced as he splashed alcohol on my right forearm. "Now, once I've finished these bandages, I believe that Miss Nightmare Moon wishes to see you, so I shall patch you up and promptly take you to her." I frowned.
"Ugh, really?" I grunted. "And here I was thinking I wasn't going to be executed today."
A few minutes later, I was limping down a stone corridor with Schwaiger holding me up, and we were headed towards the large set of doors that presumably had Nancy behind it. It was now that I realized just how little use this castle had really seen: The stone building up the walls was cracked and mossy, the banners lining the halls were ripped and tattered, and windows were either fully broken or fully missing. The thick wooden doors that we passed were either rusted shut or hanging off their hinges, so it seemed Nancy had picked the best room for herself.
Greedy bitch.