//------------------------------// // Smooze Duty // Story: My Strange Ponies // by CTVulpin //------------------------------// Quick karma tally: Taking too long at a craps game leads to Cerberus running off on his own, slight negative karma. Shadow Arachneus escapes his can and sneaks out during the frantic dog search, not entirely my fault so no karma. I go out and re-capture said Arachneus before it can do more than flatten a few trees in the Everfree Forest, good karma. The six bearers of the Elements of Harmony (and one other random mare…) see me in all my hairless, transparent-skinned, exposed-muscles-and-innards glory, major bad karma. I shouldn’t have been surprised, therefore, to be first thanked for a job well done upon my return by Dark Twilight and then smacked upside the head by Dark Pinkie (there’s irony there I’m sure…) and given a week’s duty mucking out the Smooze in the deepest corner of Tartarus. I honestly don’t know why that multi-faced all-consuming goop isn’t locked up in something less… leaky than its current spell-glass tank or why it’s allowed to talk. Actually, it can be quite entertaining when it talks, especially if you can get the heads, which can number anywhere between three and eight at any given time, to argue amongst themselves. It’s surprisingly easy to do that now that I think about it; Smooze must get pretty bored if it can’t spread. Still, mopping up and disposing of its never-ending secretions (which don’t taste all that great. Don’t ask me how I know) is definitely one of the less-enviable jobs in Tartarus. I barely get any time for a decent dice game. What with Cerby’s escape and everything it resulted in, I’m starting to suspect that the Powers That Be have it in for me this month. “Finally screwed up big time, eh Pound O’Flesh?” Scratch that; I am definitely the universe’s plaything right now… Now keep this in mind: the Tartarus Guard is made up of freaks, the grotesque, and me. Everypony (and I use the term loosely mind you) has at least one prominent feature that would be considered quite unfitting for moving about Equestria Proper, and that’s normal for us. Consider that when I tell you that the pony who had just addressed me, a white mare named Tibia who takes the phrase “skin and bones” to the literal extreme, scares me down to my usually immaculate hooves and right back up to the crown of my bone-bald head. It’s not just me either; she gives everypony I regularly associate with the willies, including the Dark Six. There’s just something about the way she carries herself, how she never leaks fluid of any sort when she gets wounded – even in the eye, and how she always calls me “Pound O’Flesh” like she wants to eat me and put on some actual weight… I have licked and copied the appearance of every single equine-form in Tartarus at least five times in my life, and that includes some of the inmates, except for Tibia because I don’t want to be anywhere within sight of her. I’d rather spend a day inside the Smooze tank or have a chat with Shoguth the Gibbering. Dropping everything and running for my – er, making a dignified withdrawal was a tempting option as she walked out of whatever dark corner she’d been stalking me from, but since I was fresh from capturing evil spider behemoths and rather inclined to stay in the good graces of the bosses I took the risk of standing my ground. Mostly docile Smooze at my back and creepy bone-mare before me. I could do this. I set down the gooper-scooper, gave Tibia my best poker face (which is pretty good, even if dice are more my game) and said, “Nope. Volunteered. Wanted to catch up with my good pal Smooze here.” Totally sold it; if I were a merchant I’d have just made a sixty percent profit. Too bad Tibia wasn’t buying… “Really now,” she replied smoothly, “I’ve been working in this section for three months now and this is the first I’ve seen you around here.” “Oh, so that’s why I’ve been having such a long string of good days.” Her creepy dark and sunken eyes somehow grew darker and a frown warped her mouth. Crap, did I say that out loud? Tibia knows I don’t like her, but actually mentioning it to her is inviting trouble. She begins to advance toward me, step by agonizing step. “What do you want with me?” I asked, backing away and casting my eyes around for something to distract her with. “Hey,” I exclaimed, pointing dramatically toward a cell across the way, “is that Grogar trying to break out?” “I am doing nothing of the sort!” the ancient ram-demon shouted back, “Why don’t you get yourself out of that pickle without spreading lies?” The conscious prisoners may make for better company, but you just can’t count on them to play along when it’s important… I guess I can’t blame Grogar for watching Tibia torment me with amusement in his eyes, but surely Tibia’s done something nasty to him too. Catharthis. That must be it; he was enjoying seeing one of his jailers about to eat another. Admittedly, I’ve never heard of Tibia actually eating anypony, but I swear I could see genuine hunger in those dark pits she calls eyes. The goat’s shout did make her stop and look his way for a second, but then she turned her gaze back on me and gave me a look that might have been exaggerated sadness if she actually had the facial muscles to pull it off. “Don’t be like that Skin,” she said, walking toward me again, “I just want to talk. How’s about a little kiss to apologize?” “Kiss, yeah,” I said, taking another few steps back, and then raised my voice and added, “Would you be ok with that Grogar? Would a peck on the cheek make it up to ya, or would I need to do it full on the mouth?” My life was in danger from a walking bag of bones, but there was no way I was passing up any opening I could spot. “What, for lying about me?” Grogar asked in return, “For that, I’ll need to see the two of you employ some tongue!” Ouch, total gambit backfire! Few things are more wounding to the pride… Is it really too much to ask for him to be on my side? “Well, you heard the old goat,” Tibia said wickedly, “Come here and give me some, Fleshy!” With a grace and power far beyond what her appearance would suggest, she pounced toward me and, with far more grace, I ducked and rolled under her, leaving her to sail through the air and crash into the Smooze tank. Ha! I thought triumphantly, not wanting to press my luck by openly mocking her, score one for the… “Iiiss that the sound of glass cracking?” As Tibia slid slowly and comically down the side of the tank, I saw a rapidly growing spider web of cracks spreading out from the point where her skull had impacted. After settling to the ground, she looked up and only had time to open her mouth before the glass gave way and eldritch purple slime came pouring out, sprouting faces that cheered excitedly. “Smooze is loose!” Tibia was engulfed almost instantly. “Smooze is loose!” I scrambled to my hooves and ran. “Suh-moooooze!” Alarms began to blare around me as automatic emergency spells began to activate. “We Smooze, you lose!” I made one last mighty leap of fate as the front of the Smooze wave formed another face and nipped at my heels. “Nothing can stop the Sm-oof!” A large, thick, arcing pane of glass fell down between me and the Smooze, forming a larger, temporary tank with the back wall. I looked back and my breathless panting turned to breathless mirth at the sight of the grouchy and squashed Smooze-face being re-absorbed into the disappointed purple slime. The sound of slow hoof-clapping tore my attention away from the tank and toward Grogar’s cell. The grey goat-demon was applauding. “Good show,” he said, affecting a high-class accent, “I am pleased you were able to execute that narrow escape. A pity about your marefriend though.” I rolled my eyes and didn’t favor him with a retort. As I looked back at the tank though, I couldn’t help but feel a measure of concern. Then Tibia appeared from out of the midst of the Smooze, slammed up against the glass by the internal motions of the all-consuming goop. She looked no worse for the wear in spite of the Smooze’s reputation for eating anything it engulfed. Her white fur, mane, and tail showed no bald patches, she clearly had all of her bones, and her eyes followed me as I paced in front of the tank a few times. She glared at me with the silent promise of unending pain and agony and I smiled back and gave her a cheery wave. Either we Tartarus guards are truly immortal, or Tibia’s such a horrible crime against nature that even an extreme omnivore won’t digest her. Both are acceptable options. That spell-glass wouldn’t hold for long though. I needed to report the breach as soon as possible so the Smooze can be contained in a new, and hopefully less fragile, holding tank. And yes, that meant letting Tibia out as well, but every victory has a cost. As I turned to leave, however, Grogar made one last declaration: “Breaking that tank was entirely her fault. I’ll vouch for you on that.” Sure, now he’s on my side… There’s a reason we keep things like him locked up.