//------------------------------// // Chapter 4 // Story: Strange Bedfillies (Or: Nopony Loves Twilight Sparkle) // by Tumbleweed //------------------------------// "You don't have to do that," Twilight said very, very quickly. "The heck I don't! Or, uh...the heck I do, or...whatever! You're not gonna quit whining 'til you get a date, so I'm gonna get you a date. Now go over there and ask that dude out already!" "No." Twilight put her hoof down. "I can't just...I mean...I don't think..." She shook her head and looked back at Rainbow Dash. "I'm not doing it, and you can't make me." "Wanna bet?" The pegasus' grin grew wider, nearly predatory. She reared back on her hind legs, and then rocketed towards Twilight. Before Twilight could react, Rainbow Dash had scooped her up like an eagle snaring a trout, and flew out into the Ponyville plaza. "Rainbow!" Twilight said, "let me go!" "Okay!" Rainbow Dash did just that. Thankfully, Twilight didn't fall far. Rainbow Dash had dropped her atop a fruit stall's awning. The taut fabric bowed, then snapped back into place, trampolining Twilight out onto the ground. She landed in a graceless heap, and groaned. Twilight did a quick once-over of herself as she got back up to her hooves. She knew she'd been through worse, but that didn't make the jarring impact any less pleasant. Aside from a few mussed places in her coat, she didn't appear to be any worse for the wear. It was only after Twilight finished her checklist that she registered somepony speaking to her. "I said, are you alright, miss?" Twilight turned, and, sure enough, there was that brown-haired pony with the hourglass cutie mark. In the distance, Twilight could see Rainbow Dash poking her head up from behind a cloud, watching. "Oh! Uh, I'm fine," Twilight said, "thanks, though." "Good to hear it." The brown pony glanced upwards, "there won't be any more of you, will there? As I imagine it'd be quite inconvenient if unicorns started raining from the sky." "Er, no. Just a freak accident, that's all." "Righto! I just thought I'd check. Now, if you'll excuse me..." "Wait!" Twilight glanced up at Rainbow Dash, then back to the brown pony. "Look, I know this may be a little forward, but, uh, I was wondering if you might like to, y'know, have dinner sometime. With me?" She paused, and then added on, "My name's Twilight Sparkle." "Ah, thank you, but I'm afraid I'm not particularly hungry at the moment." "Well, it doesn't have to be dinner. Coffee, maybe?" "To tell the truth, I'm more of a tea drinker, but-" The brown pony canted his head to the side suddenly, and looked at the purple unicorn. "Hold on. This is...one of those matters, isn't it? I can tell because you've got that slightly-mad look about you, like you're doing something you haven't done before. Quite darling, honestly. I approve. But! I'm absolutely sure you're an absolutely lovely filly, but I'm afraid I must decline. For one, I'm just passing through." "Oh! Well, if scheduling's a problem, I can always work something out-" "Also, I'm married." "You are?" Twilight felt her cheeks flush in embarrassment. "Oh." "I'm sorry, Miss Sparkle- don't look so surprised! Though I have to admit, it took me off guard as well. She's a lovely filly, though. You'd like her! Her name's Riversong- she's an academic, like you! Sort of. More of a first-hand archeologist but that's beside the point. We just got married next Tuesday, you know." "Oh," Twilight said, "I'm sorry, I didn't know." "Yes, well, there's no real reason you would, given the circumstances. But, I'm afraid I'd best be on my way. Time's wasting, after all!" The brown pony shook Twilight's hoof, and bounded off to disappear around a corner. Within moments, Rainbow Dash was at Twilight's side once again. "Okay, so how'd it go? Get a date yet?" "He wasn't interested." Twilight sighed. "Really, I shouldn't be surprised." "Psh! You're not gonna give up, are you?" Rainbow Dash said in her best (if squeaky) 'personal trainer' voice. "I didn't think you were a quitter, Twilight!" "I'm not!" Twilight said. "Good! 'cause I know just the guy you need to talk to. Seriously, he's a friend of mine, and he's super buff, and I'm pretty sure he's single. So c'mon, let's go!" Twilight took a step backwards. "You're not gonna throw me at this guy, are you?" "That depends, are you gonna go willingly or not?" Twilight Sparkle looked around the gym, and easily picked out the pegasus Rainbow Dash had foisted on her. Or had she been foisted on him? Either way, Twilight decided that there was entirely too much foisting going on for her own comfort. At least Rainbow Dash wasn't dropping her this time. Twilight looked warily over her shoulder, and then back to the pony she'd come to see. "Uh, hi. Benchpress, right? My name's Twilight Sparkle." "Yeah?" The big white pegasus said, breathily. He pushed a heavily-laden weight bar upwards with his front hooves, grunted, and then brought it slowly back down across his chest again. The weights clinked against each other with each move of Benchpress' powerful, bulging shoulders. Twilight scratched at the back of her neck as she searched for something to say. She hadn't expected the pegasus to keep working out even as she talked to him. But then again, what reason did he have to stop? "So, uh, yeah. I'm a friend of Rainbow Dash's. You know Rainbow Dash, right?" "Yeah!" Another rep, and sweat began to bead on Benchpress' forehead. "I guess you two would get along, wouldn't you? I mean, it looks like both of you take your exercise very seriously." "YEAH!" Twilight blinked a little at Benchpress' loudness, but she figured it was just a side effect of the workout endorphins the big guy was obviously feeling. "So, uh, anyway...this is kind of a silly idea, but my friend Rainbow had the crazy idea that you and I might...well, what I mean to say is, wanna get a coffee or something sometime?" Benchpress blinked. With a grunt, he placed the weight bar back onto its stand, and then he rolled off of the weight bench and onto his hooves. He still panted a little from his weight lifting, though he soon drew in a steadying breath. "Miss Sparkle, I'm flattered," he said, sounding surprisingly sophisticated, "and, while I'm sure you would be wonderful company, I'm afraid I just went through a rather messy breakup recently. I'm honestly not ready to start pursuing other relationships right now. It wouldn't be fair to either of us." "Oh, I'm sorry." Twilight said, mostly out of reflex. Benchpress smiled. "I should be the one apologizing, really. I know it's unkind of me to turn you down, but it's probably for the best this way." He took up a barbell by its specially-designed hoof-strap. As soon as he began to lift it, that same determined, nigh-maniacal look crossed Benchpress' features again. "Well, uh, I guess I could just keep that in mind and maybe talk to you later?" "Yeah!" "Okay, new plan." Somewhere along the line, Rainbow Dash had picked up her baseball cap and coaching whistle. Twilight was afraid to ask why. "Right. So we've tried getting you a date with a pony you thought you'd like, then we tried getting you a date with a pony I thought you'd like, so now we're going to try something different." "And that is?" Twilight asked. "We're gonna get you a date with a pony nobody likes!" "What." "No, it's perfect! I've got just the dude in mind. You'll like him! He's kind of an egghead, like you! Only he's also kinda gnarly looking and wears an ugly tie and I heard he smells kind of funny." "You shouldn't say such mean things about ponies, Rainbow." Twilight chided. "All I'm saying is that there's no way a weenis like him could ever say no to a girl like you, Twilight! And then you'll say something like "don't judge a book by its cover," and it'll turn out that he's not so bad after all 'cause he's kind of funny or 'cause he's stupid rich because of some invention thing or 'cause he's really got a huge-" "Let's not get ahead of ourselves." Twilight said. "Look, Rainbow, as much as I appreciate your help, I really don't think that this is any basis for a healthy relationship." "Fine, fine." Rainbow Dash huffed, and pushed back the brim of her coaching cap. "Tell you what, just talk to this guy, okay? If it goes somewhere, great! If not, I'll stop trying to set you up with any more random dudes." "Promise?" "Pinkie Promise." With this in mind, Twilight trotted over towards her latest, and theoretically last 'target.' He was a gangly pony- probably younger than she was. His glasses, bookish demeanor, and robot cutie mark all got her attention- maybe she and this colt would have something in common. On the other hoof, even she knew his bow tie wasn't exactly the height of fashion, much less the scrubbly beginnings of a mustache on his upper lip. But heck, those were just little things, right? "Hi there!" Twilight said, brightly, "My name's Twilight Sparkle-" "AUGH! GIRL!" The gangly pony said, and backed up a few steps. "How good of you to notice." Twilight deadpanned. "Stay away!" The pony backpedaled a few more steps, then pointed an accusatory hoof at Twilight. "Stay back! I know your game! You trot up, bat your eyelashes at me, flatter me to throw me off guard, and then BAM! You take my asparagus!" "Your what?" Twilight blinked. "Is that some kind of euphemism?" "But this time, it's different! This time, I know what you're after, and you won't be able to trap me with your feminine wiles!" The nerdish pony pushed his glasses back into place, and then took off at an awkward gallop. Twilight realized she could probably catch up to him, if she tried...but she felt she just didn't have it in her. Instead, she just frowned, and said to herself, "But I don't have any of those..." "Okay." Rainbow Dash materialized next to Twilight Sparkle, and watched the awkward pony with the robot cutie mark flee. "That could've gone better." "Ya think?" Twilight said. "Hey, some times you just strike out, y'know? Maybe he's got issues. Or maybe he likes dudes. Who knows?" "So now what?" Twilight sighed, and sat down on her haunches, "are you gonna try telling me that last one didn't count, or something?" "Nah. It's too late. Besides, you went and flirted with, what, three dudes today? That's got to be a record for you, I bet." "Maybe." Twilight knew Rainbow Dash was right, but she didn't want to admit it. "Besides, I'm a mare of my word. I said I'd stop pushing you at ponies after that last one, so we're just gonna call it at that. But, all of this running round's made me kinda hungry. Wanna get something to eat?" "Yeah, sure." "Great! I know just the place." It wasn't until the waiter poured the wine that Twilight realized something. Cafe Clydesdale didn't have the best food in Ponyville, nor the most helpful waitstaff, or even the best wine selection. What it did have, however, was ambiance. Everything about the little resturant was carefully calculated, with a very specific purpose. There were nine tables, spaced out just enough to skirt the line between 'cozy' and 'private.' Each table had exactly two chairs. The cafe's only illumination was provided by the barest minimum of candlelight- the sort of flickering light that lent an exotic allure to nearly anyone it showed. To top it off, a violinist wove her way between the tables, sawing out the sort of tangos and waltzes that deserved to be danced to. In short, it was the most romantic restaurant in Ponyville. "Oh no," Twilight said, and rubbed at her face with a hoof, "Rainbow Dash, are you doing what I think you're doing?" "Uh. Maybe?" "I know you're trying to help me, Rainbow- but just because I couldn't get a date on my own, doesn't mean you have to take me out to dinner out of, y'know...pity." "Wait, what?" Rainbow Dash blinked in confusion. "It's not that!" she squeaked, "y'see, this is all part of my new plan!" "You have a new plan?" "Of course!" Rainbow Dash smiled smugly, leaned back in her chair, and took a sip of her wine. "See, it works like this. I make a big deal of hanging out with you, like, more than usual. Just pretend dates, see? Then everypony will think you're super hot and awesome. 'cause I'm super hot and awesome, get it? It's like, awesomeness by association." Twilight just squeezed her eyes shut and drained her wineglass. "I'm...not sure if it works that way." "Sure it does! It's a great plan! Look, Applejack's doing the same thing for Rarity right now." Rainbow Dash pointed to a point somewhere behind Twilight. The unicorn turned, and, sure enough, Applejack and Rarity sat in a dimly lit corner of the cafe, glaring at each other. Unable to help herself, Twilight perked her ears, catching just a bit of their hushed conversation. "Applejack." Rarity hissed, "stop eating the flowers!" "What for?" Applejack said, her voice somewhat muffled through a mouthful of petals. "Don't you know you're supposed to use the flower fork for that?" "What, this ol' thing?" The cowpony poked at one of the many, many utensils laid out before her. "Shoot, here I thought it was just a fancy backscratcher." "Oh! Now you're just teasing me on purpose!" "Been doin' that for awhile, sugarcube." Twilight turned away from the pair and hid her face in the menu, hoping neither Applejack nor Rarity had seen her. Then again, to judge by the intensity of their bickering, it seemed somewhat unlikely. "Anyway." Twilight said, and shook her head, "I appreciate your help, Rainbow Dash, but-" she didn't finish before Rainbow Dash splashed her wine in her face. "Gah!" Twilight sputtered, wiping the stingingly sweet red liquid from her eyes. "What was that for?" The pegasus leaned in close, and murmured conspiritorily: "Just play along. It's all part of the plan." "What." Twilight said. In response, Rainbow Dash puffed up her wings and took to the air, hovering imperiously above the table. "That's it, Twilight Sparkle! You and I are over! I am tired of everypony else looking at you 'cause you're hot and awesome and stuff! So now we are officially breaking up so now you are really single and available and find you have to find someone else to go out with because we are not dating anymore but it was kind of cool when we did because you're almost as rad as I am." "What." Twilight said. "And I don't even care if you were a total freak in the sack!" Rainbow added on. She glanced around to make sure everypony within earshot was watching (they were), winked knowingly at the purple unicorn, and then rocketed off in a multi-hued blur. "Consider yourself dumped and on the rebound, Twilight!" she shouted over her shoulder. As if on cue, every waiter and customer at Cafe Clydesdale turned their attention to Twilight. "Oh." Twilight said, after an impossibly long moment. "There...is a perfectly rational explanation for this." She said the words very slowly, very carefully. The sudden dryness in her mouth didn't help much either. She drained her wineglass, and then looked around. Sure enough, the ponies were still there, still staring. "Uh, Twilight?" Applejack finally said. "You okay?" "Yes! I'm fine! Perfectly fine." Twilight nodded, perhaps too hard and perhaps too many times. "I...just need some rest, that's all. Rest. On my own. At home." "Oh, darling." Rarity stepped forward. "Perhaps we should-" "You shouldn't!" Twilight said, "I'm sorry, it's just that I've gotten into this mess just because of ponies trying to help me, and it hasn't done a lick of good! So now, I'm just going to home, back to my books, and I'm just going to forget this whole day even happened!" Twilight squinted her eyes shut, channeling magic through her horn. There was a flash of light, the light popping noise of a teleportation spell, and Twilight vanished. A split second later, Twilight materialized in her room. It was the safest, coziest, most private place she knew of in Ponyville. Just in case, she pushed the door shut, turned the lock, and then telekinetically shoved a sturdy bookshelf in front of it. She realized that she'd have to come out eventually, in order to get necessities like food and water and recent periodicals, but that could wait until the new issue of Magical Monthly came out. Twilight breathed raggedly, and rubbed at her eyes. She knew she should have been feeling even worse than she did; anger, embarrassment, general heartache...but, at the end of a day full of disaster and rejection, Twilight only felt...tired. Rest, then, was her best option. Further barricading and supply hoarding could be done in the morning, when she had more energy to pursue hermitage and/or spinsterhood. "Bed. Sleep. Yes." she said, monotone. With only the beginnings of pale moonlight streaming through her window to see by, it took Twilight a moment to recognize the one thing standing between herself and blissful dreamland. "Pinkie Pie," Twilight Sparkle said for the second time that day, "why are you in my bed?"