Hey, remember when chapter 22 used to be just a chapter Twilight’s family and Pinkie’s family doing Family Feud? Well… that idea was scratched. Not that interesting. So I’ll just use a story I haven’t told you yet. We start off our story at the house that is owned by none other than our very own Red Engineer! He sits down in front of the computer and says depressingly to himself, “Ah can’t see an end… ah have no control… ah can’t escape… ah don’t even have a home anymore.” Engie gets all teary eyed and unplugs his keyboard from his computer. He sighs and says, “Definitely time for a new keyboard.”
Just then there was a knock on the door. Engie walked up to the door to see who it was, and if you thought it was me, you are badly mistaken, because the only knocks I ever do is the Sheldon Cooper knock, or the Shave and a Haircut knock. On the other side was Aqua and Crystal. “Engie, hey!” Crystal said.
“Hey, Crystal, Aqua! What’s up?” Engie asked.
“Well, just seeing if you wanna hang out.” Crystal said.
“Mainly the only times we ever hang out is when Flare is around. It’s a nice change.” Aqua said.
“Y’all are absolutely right!” Engie said. “Ah need to run a few errands today anyway. Maybe you can come.”
“Sounds ok to me.” Aqua said.
“Sounds boring, but then again, I did boring stuff before. One time, I was a hotel maid.” Crystal said.
A cutaway shows Crystal as a hotel maid at a hotel (obviously). The manager explains to her, “Alright, Miss Iceblast, here’s what you need to do. All you need to do is make beds nonstop. Now I know there are a lot of bedrooms here and we’re short of maids, but I want you to keep making beds. 24 hours a day you’ll be making beds. You’ll be so good at making beds in the end, you’ll get to make beds in your sleep!”
“So when do I sleep?” Crystal asked.
“You won’t have time to sleep, Miss Iceblast. Not with all the bed-making you’ll be doing.” The manager said. The cutaway ends.
So Engie, Aqua, and Crystal were all on their way to the store to get Engie’s new keyboard. “Ah, the electronics store!” Aqua said to himself. “A place where I feel the least at home more than anywhere else.”
“You know, it’s a good thing we’re here. It’s almost Psyche’s birthday and I wanna get him something.” Crystal said.
“Ah, excellent idea, Crystal! Maybe there’s somethin’ around ‘ere ah can get for him.” Engie said.
“Way to steal my idea.” Crystal whispered to Aqua. He nodded. Engie starts walking down the isles, looking for something for Psyche for his birthday.
“Ya know they have DVDs over there.” Aqua pointed towards the other end of the store.
“Yes, but they have DVD burners over here.” Engie said as he walked over to the leftist part of the store. Leftist? That’s a word? I mean Microsoft Word isn’t giving me that little red line underneath so… I’ll take it. “Psyche needs a DVD burner.”
“Engie, a gift shouldn’t be something they NEED, it should be something fun. Something they wouldn’t buy for themselves.” Aqua advised him.
“You mean like a pair of socks?” Engie asked.
“YES!” Crystal cried in excitement. “Definitely a pair of socks!”
“Well… something like that.” Aqua said.
“Right… FUN socks! Like freshly knitted socks with little cotton balls on it.” Crystal said.
“Is it the geometry that makes it fun?” Engie asked.
“Look, the point is, one of the ways we show we care about other ponies is putting thought and imagination to the gifts we give them.” Aqua advised.
“Ok, ah get what you’re gettin’ at.” Engie nodded. “So not a DVD burner.”
“Exactly!” Aqua said excitedly.
“It has to be somethin’ fun, somethin’ with imagination.” Engie thought to himself as he looked through the isles. “Somethin’ Psyche wouldn’t get for himself. Like a… ooo a 802.11n wireless router! That is sure fun!” Engie said excitedly as he took a look at the routers.
Aqua sighs. “Aw, it’s ok Aqua.” Crystal said. “Usually what I get on my birthday is those funky socks with the cotton balls on it. It’s not much, but it’s made with love and that’s the important thing!”
“I suppose ya’re right about that, Crystal.” Aqua nodded.
“Ah nice! Routers! Psyche will love a new router.” Engie said.
“Steal my ideas, again.” Crystal whispered to Aqua.
“Ya didn’t say anything though.” Aqua corrected her.
“I was thinking it though.” Crystal said. Engie takes two different routers off the shelf and takes a look at them.
“Hmm.” Engie thought. “What do you two think?” Engie asked Aqua and Crystal as he showed them the boxes.
“Umm… that one.” Aqua pointed to the Netgear one.
“Because of the two additional Ethernet ports?” Engie asked.
Aqua got confused for moment there because he had no idea what that was. “Sure.” He said.
“He doesn’t need them, he’s already got a 640 connect switch.” Engie said.
“Ok, then this one.” Aqua chooses the other router.
“Why?” Engie asked.
“I dunno… the guy on the box looks happy?” Aqua guessed.
“Aqua, if ah’m gonna buy Psyche a gift, ah’m gonna do it right. Ah don’t want him to suffer the same childhood trauma ah went through.” Engie said.
“And what kind of trauma is that?” Crystal asked.
On my twelfth birthday ah really wanted a titanium centrifuge, so, you know, ah could separate radioactive isotopes.” Engie said.
“Of course.” Aqua mumbled.
Instead of a titanium centrifuge, my robotic parents bought me… wow, this is hard.” Engie hesitated as he talked. “They got me… a motorized dirt bike.”
“No way!” Crystal said shockingly.
“Ah know, right?! What kind of 12 year old wants a motorized dirt bike?” Engie asked.
“Uhh, all of them?” Aqua said awkwardly.
“That is so cool, Engie!” Crystal said.
“I consider ya lucky, mate.” Aqua said. “The best gift I ever got for my birthday was bungee jumping in a cave.” A cutaway shows Aqua wearing a sky-diving suit in the middle of the woods, tying a rope on a fragile pole and then he jumps down. “I didn’t tell anypony what I was doing today!” he cried out as it echoes through the cave. The cutaway ends. “From that day forward, I was afraid of heights.”
“So we’re getting that one?” Crystal asked as she pointed to the box with the happy guy on it.
“I suppose.” Engie said. “But we’re still not usin’ your reason why we’re gettin’ it though.”
“Umm, excuse me, sir?” one of the background ponies that goes by the name of Lightning Bolt asks Engie. “Do you know anything about this stuff?”
“No, ah don’t know anythin’ about this stuff.” Engie said. “Ah know EVERYTHIN’ about this stuff, partner.”
“You see, I’m a manager of the Cloudsdale Cloud Factory and I want to hook up my computer in the front entrance with the one in the control center.” Lightning Bolt said.
“Here, buy this one!” Crystal suggested as she showed one of the router boxes to Lightning. “See? Happy guy available!”
“No, no, no, she doesn’t want that.” Engie corrected Crystal. “She wants a point to point peer network with a range extender.” Engie gives Lightning Bolt the box with the equipment she needs in it to her.
“Thank you.” Lightning Bolt nodded and walked off.
“Excuse me.” Another background pony by the name of Royal Riff said as he carries two boxes on his back and he tries to get Engie’s attention. “Which hard drive should I get, Firewall or USB?”
“It depends on what bus ya have.” Engie said.
“Uhh…” Royal Riff said confusingly. “I pull a Chevy Cavalier carriage.”
“Oh dear Luna.” Engie said to himself as he shook his head.
“Engie, I think we have what we need, mate. I think we should go now.” Aqua said.
“Not yet, partner. This poor pony needs me.” Engie said as Raindrops was walking towards Engie with a couple of boxes. “Ah’ll be with ya in a minute, miss.” He said to Raindrops. He then turns to Royal Riff and explained, “Now what kind of computer do ya have? And please don’t say a white one.”
Meanwhile, at my shop, it was pretty slow at this moment, mainly because it’s 4 PM and the only customers that are there right now are the ponies that are eating there for linner, so Lyra, Bon Bon, and I were watching some TV to passed the time. “We now return to a movie starring David Spade.” The TV announcer said.
“Insert random joke here.” David Spade said on the TV.
Suddenly, a tomato gets thrown at him and an audience member yells out, “BOO, you suck! You only had one good movie!”
“I know.” David said sadly.
“I dunno what the audience member is talking about. David Spade is the bomb!” Lyra said. After she says that, she looks at me.
“What?” I asked.
“Aren’t you gonna say something wise like ‘boom’?” Lyra asked.
“I only say ‘boom’ if I press C4 on a vending machine.” I said. Just then, my phone starts to ring. Uhh, my work phone, not cell phone. If it were my cell phone, you would’ve heard the Scanner-Life theme song play on it. “Hello?” I answered the phone.
“Flare, it’s Ditzy.” Derpy said on the other line.
“You mean the name everypony forgot you had?” I asked.
“Uhh… yeah. Listen, I’m at the hospital right now.” Derpy said.
“Your daughter have an asthma attack again?” I asked.
“No, I didn’t, and I told you, I’m not her daughter. I’m her niece.” Dinky Doo corrected me as she stood right in front of me, giving me a glare as she leaned on the counter.
“Ok, I’m relieved it’s not Dinky.” I said.
“I had a bit of an… incident. I’m not gonna be able to come to work this week.” Derpy said.
“No wonder I didn’t get any mail today.” I said.
“I’m not the only mail pony in town. There’s Post Haste, there’s the mailpony with the big round glasses that squint a lot, and there’s a third one too, I forgot his name.” Derpy explained.
“Well, I’m sorry to hear that, what happened?” I asked.
“I just don’t know what went wrong.” Derpy said.
“Ah, I see.” I nodded.
“Yeah, so I thought I’d let you know.” Derpy said.
“Thanks, Ditz! I appreciate the call. I’ll hire an unpaid intern as a temporary replacement.” I said.
“Thank you, Flare! I’ll talk to you later.” Derpy said.
“No prob! Bye!” I said as I hung up.
“Yeah, that’s what I came here to tell you. Aunt Ditzy is in the hospital.” Dinky said.
“No pizza?” I asked.
“Nah, I’m on a diet. Diamond Tiara is teasing about my weight.” Dinky explained with a glare expression on her face.
“Why? You’re not chubby. In fact, the only chubby female pony in town is Mrs. Cake.” I said.
“I know, thanks for the enthusiasm, Flare.” Dinky said with a smile.
“Big words confuse me.” I said.
“Anyways, I was thinking maybe you and your employees can give Aunt Derpy a little get-well soon gift.” Dinky suggested.
“Yeah, I was thinking of that myself.” I said.
“Great minds think alike, huh?” Dinky asked.
“Yeah, my mind is great isn’t it?” I asked. “You know, I think I might have a little something we can give her. She likes muffins, right?”
“Pretty much one of the only non made up things about her, yeah.” Dinky nodded.
“Maybe we’ll give Derpy a really great hospital date! Whatever she wants!” I suggested.
“Sounds like a great idea, Flare! I’m in!” Lyra said excitedly.
“Well if you want to give her a really great day, there’s a few things you’ll need to do first.” Dinky said.
“Awwww! But I already offered to do thiiiiis!” I whined. “Do I have to do morrrrrre?”
“It’s no big deal, Flare.” Dinky said. “Alright, number 1: Aunt Ditzy doesn’t have a favorite brand of muffin, but she does like a lot of them, and it has to be freshly bought from that day, and her favorite place to get muffins is Muffin Top Bakery.”
“Never heard of a bakery like that.” I said.
“I’d be surprised if you did. The bakery is in Cloudsdale.” Dinky said.
“Oh… alright. I suppose I can try my best. What else do you want me to do?” I asked.
“Aunt Ditzy loves to play chess with Geri from Ponyville Retirement Village. You should bring him over to play chess with her.” Dinky suggested.
“Bringing an old pony to a hospital? I don’t think he’ll agree to that.” I said.
“Just don’t tell him.” Dinky advised.
“Is that all?” I asked.
“One more; the third thing is Aunt Ditzy loves to read the magazine comics that Uncle Ring Out gets every day. Ditzy will only accept the comics from that particular day you go to the hospital. Uncle Ring Out too lives in Cloudsdale. Here’s his address.” Dinky writes down his address on a piece of paper and gives it to me.
“Sounds easy enough to do.” I said. “Probably almost as easy as 1, 2, 3! At least they don’t feel uncomfee in the bathroom unlike going number 4.”
“Ok, but listen, visiting hours in the hospital end at noon, so we’ll have to be there at 11:40 latest.” Dinky said.
I looked up to the sky and said in my brave voice, “As the Wizards of Hope, Strength, and Feelings as my witnesses, I vow to say that it’s impossible!” my spirit collapsed during the last two words of that sentence.
“Why is that?” Dinky asked.
“It would mean I have to sleep early tonight. I normally wake up around 10, and I don’t think I’ll be able to do it all in an hour in a half.” I complained.
“Then I guess you’ll have to wake up an hour earlier.” Dinky suggested. “Look, I’m not saying you HAVE TO do this, Flare. It was only a suggestion.”
“No… I will do it.” I said. “I’ll do anything for friendship!”
“Glad to hear it! Thank you so much.” Dinky said pleasingly. “But if she asks… I didn’t suggest ANYTHING.”
“Good. I wanna take the credit anyway.” I said. Dinky chuckles and shakes her head.
“I’ll see you later, Flare.” Dinky said as she walks out.
“Wait, don’t you wanna buy some- oh nevermind, she’s gone.” I complained.
“Well this is going to be fun! I can tell.” Lyra said.
“I agree.” Bonnie nodded.
“Oh, Bonnie, how long have you been there?” I asked.
“I’ve been here this whole time.” She said.
“You’ve been pretty quiet. You didn’t say a single word.” I pointed out.
“So what’s the plan, bossman?” Bonnie asked.
“First of all, nice phrase, second, I’m going to go get the stuff Ditzy needs. How’s about we meet at the hospital at 11:30?” I asked.
“Sounds good to me!” Lyra said.
“Are we gonna get paid?” Bonnie asked.
“Wha- is being paid all you care about, Bonnie?!” I complained.
“No, no, I was just…” Bonnie attempts to defend herself.
“You don’t have to go, you know!” I yelled out.
“Sorry I asked, sorry I asked.” Bonnie said, trying to calm me down.
“Oh B-T-W, I rhymed!” I said excitedly. “Alright, so it’s settled. I’ll first go to Uncle Ring Out’s house to get the comic, and then I’ll go to Muffin Top second because the muffins will stay fresher, and then I’ll go pick up Geri.”
“You sure you’re going to be able to do all this in 2 ½ hours?” Bonnie asked.
“Hey, what can go wro-“ I covered my mouth before I could finish that sentence. “Ooo, don’t wanna jinx it!”
Meanwhile, back at the electronics store, Engie was continuing to assist the customers in choosing what kind of parts to use for their electronics. Now, I know what you might be thinking about Engie helping out the customers and he doesn’t even work there, well I thought of it. Engie was using one of the computers to search up an object from the store.
“Ok we don’t have that in stock.” Engie informed Twinkleshine. “But if you want, I can special order it for you.”
“Um, excuse me, sir?” one of the store employees asked Engie. “You don’t work here.”
“Yeah, well, neither does anyone else. Nopony is helpin’ out any of these ponies.” Engie complained.
“Engie, we need to go now, mate.” Aqua said.
“Why?” Engie asked.
“Well, first off, we’re bored, and second, I asked him to call security.” Crystal informed him.
Engie just stood there with a blank expression on his face. He then turned to Twinkleshine and said, “Good luck.” And then he turned to the employee and said, “Ya know, a six year old can hack this computer.” As Engie was talking to the assistant, Crystal takes Engie’s hoof and pulls him out of the store, and Aqua follows as he gave an embarrassing smile to the assistant and let out a squee. “AND 1-2-3-4 ISN’T A SECURE PASSWORD!” Engie cried out to the customer from the distance.
Later that night, the three of them, along with Psyche, Blaze, and I met up at our usual location: the cider bar, and we talk and drank some cider. Eeyup… talked and drank some cider.
“Wow, mate, I can’t believe you have to do all that in just a limited time.” Aqua said to me.
“I know! I’m not one of waking up at 9 AM, brah.” I said. “I mean if I don’t get my beauty-sleep, I’d look like this.” I showed my friends a photo on my phone of Michael Jackson after his incident.
“Dude, that’s offensive.” Blaze said.
“Relax, he’s dead. He won’t feel a thing.” I said.
“I know, but still.” Blaze added. Engie sighs as he shakes his cider mug around from side to side.
“You ok, Engie?” Psyche asked.
“Meh… ah just found out mah life has no meanin’.” Engie said.
“Wish I had a bit every time I heard that.” Aqua said.
“Why do you think your life has no meaning?” Blaze asked.
“Well ah was at the electronics store today and bought some-“ Engie pauses and looks at Psyche because he doesn’t want to ruin his surprise. “…Stuff, and after ah left, ah just remembered. Ah don’t work, and ah haven’t had a single match or even seen anyone in my team since… well… since before ah met Flare and Crystal!”
“I like the way he says my name.” Crystal said.
“Anyways, ah have a income for fixing stuff for ponies, but ah don’t feel that there’s any reason for it. My life, partners. It’s a sour life.” Engie said as he gulped down all that cider in the mug at once.
“Well, I bet would taste pretty good then. I like sour stuff! Nothing is too sour for Crystal Iceblast over here, huh?” Crystal said excitedly.
“You know, Crystal, that’s not really helping.” Psyche said.
“At least I’m not the one that’s messing things up this time.” I said. “I think my friendship life is going easy for me, but still… waking up early, brahs. Holy Wizard of Strength.” I shook my head.
“Ah hope soon ah’ll be able to find mah meanin’ of life. Holy TF2 announcer.” Engie shook his head and said.
“You know, Engie, if you want, you can work for me. We need a bus boy. The old one took a spill in the Stallion’s Room, plus all he did was spit on the dishes and wipe them.” I offered.
“Nah, thanks partner, but ah’d rather have a job that doesn’t involve me slippin’ in pee-pee.” Engie said.
“Alright, well…” I started as I gulped down the rest of my cider. “I’m gonna head home. I need a head start for tomorrow, plus I need to rent a tuxedo from Rarity for my lawsuit case next week on the bus boy’s spill. I swear ponies would do anything to get in your wallet.”
“You must have a pretty big wallet then.” Crystal said.
“I know I do.” I said as I walked outside; I hoped into my huge wallet, I took out a paddle, and I started rowing myself home. The next day came and it was 9 AM. I was waking up in the middle of the night and it wasn’t easy for me. I wanted to make sure Derpy gets her good day, so I started off by going to Cloudsdale. Irony is, I’m not a Pegasus so I can’t just fly up there, I need to rent a balloon, and Cherry Berry owned the balloon in town. She drives a hard bargain, but I was able to pay it off. It was pretty tough to ride the balloon. I never rode one before so it took a hard time getting used to.
Once I got to Cloudsdale, I parked the balloon on some clouds, and- wow, the balloons can park on the clouds but I’d go right through it? Sounded pretty unfair if you ask me. In my pocket was a case full of pills that would allow non-pegasi to walk on clouds for five hours. It’s called Five Hour Cloudergy. It helped me out when I was at Cloudsdale walking to Ring Out’s apartment complex. Be sure to ask your doctor before trying Five Hour Cloudergy. Side-effects may include heavy weight, blindness, loss of gravity, wanting to ‘move-it move-it’. Trust me, King Julian overdosed on this stuff! That’s pretty much why he’s crazy. He overdoses on pills.
Anyways, when I got to Ring Out’s 6-floor apartment complex, he lived on the very top floor, and I enjoy the exercise so I decided to use the SHTAIRS. Shtairs, shtairs, shtairs! Once I got to Ring Out’s condo, he let me in and I explained to him about the comic book I needed. His apartment was filled with snow-globes. He offered me one as I was explaining my request. “So you see, Mister Ring Out, that’s why I need your today’s comic book. Your daughter needs it. You don’t mind, do you?”
“Not at all, boyo! It’s downstairs in my mailbox though down at the lobby.” Ring Out said.
“Shall we go get it?” I asked.
“If you’re willing to role me down the stairs.” Ring Out said. Oh, right, I forgot to mention, Ring Out is in a wheelchair.
“We can take the elevator.” I suggested.
“I don’t trust elevators. They break, fall, and paralyze ponies.” Ring Out said in a frightened tone.
I chuckled a bit. “That’s crazy, brah! Elevators are perfectly safe. They don’t… umm…” I looked down at his paralyzed legs and stopped talking. “How about you just give me your mailbox key and I’ll go get it?”
“I don’t trust anypony with my key.” Ring Out said. And so, I just pushed Ring Out outside and I started to carefully push him down the shtairs. It wasn’t easy. Even my magic wasn’t that strong………. Yet, but I’m not giving up, for Derpy’s sake and all. Meanwhile, Engie was on his job hunt, and he eventually found something he wanted to do: sell cleaning supplies door to door.
Engie knocked on a door and the pony on the other side opened it. “What?” Bon Bon asked.
Engie read out loud what he needed to say from a piece of paper. “Hello, sir or ma’am, how would you like to end your fight against stubborn stains? Half-circle, be sure to keep eye contact, half-circle.” Bonnie just shook her head.
Back with Ring Out and I, I was still attempting to get Ring Out down the shtairs, and while I was almost half-way down, he said, “I have to poop.”
“What? But we’re almost half-way down the shtairs!” I complained.
“I have to poop!” Ring Out said again but more excited. I just shook my head and dragged him back up the shtairs so he can do his business.
“I really hope I don’t have to wipe you.” I mumbled to myself.
“My legs don’t work but my ears do, buddy.” Ring Out complained.
Back with Engie and Bonnie over at her house, Engie was showing her how the cleaning supplies work, starting off with the windows. “Ya obviously do a good job cleanin’, judgin’ by yer room.” Engie said, commenting on Bonnie’s pig sty of a house. “But the Bright Time cleanin’ system will make yer time easier plus save ya time, time ya would be usin’ to bake casserole, or have tea with yer lady friends.”
“So you think that whole body can clean that whole window?” Bonnie asked.
Engie starts reading the label. “This… one bottle… can clean all… the windows in your house / apartment / trailer / stable.”
“Now this is something I gotta see.” Bonnie nodded.
“Sure thing, partner!” Engie said as he started cleaning the windows in Bonnie’s house. Bonnie just walked over to her couch and sat down. She took a nice mischievous smirk at Engie before turning on TV.
Back with Ring Out and I, we just got back up the stairs after- that’s right I said ‘stairs’ right this time. So we just got back up the shtairs (ah dangit) after we finally picked up the magazine from his mailbox. “Send Derpy my regards.” Ring Out requested. I took out my phone to check on the time and it was 11:58.
“Actually, I don’t think I’ll be able to see her today.” I said. “Visiting hours end at noon. I have to get an earlier start tomorrow, and be sure, when I come back tomorrow for a fresh new magazine, make sure you have all your business done before I go half-way down the shtairs.”
“I’ll see what I can do. I’m not exactly running the show.” Ring Out said. So I went back to my shop and decided to try again the next day.
Back with Engie and Bonnie, Bonnie was polishing her hoof nails and Engie was still cleaning the windows. After he cleans all the windows in her house, he goes over to Bonnie and asks as he takes out his clipboard, “Ma’am, would you like the… deluxe, the half-deluxe, or the mini-deluxe pack?”
“Sorry, honey, but I’m a bit tight on cash right now and my windows already look so great so, I’ll have to pass, but thanks anyway.” Bonnie nodded with a fake smile.
“Oh… umm… ok.” Engie said as he writes on his clipboard. “Thanks anyway.” He picks up his cleaning supplies and leaves Bonnie’s house.
“Congratulations on the new job though, Engie.” Bonnie said. After Engie left, Bonnie chuckled to herself mischievously and continued her hoofnails. Engie decided to quit his new job and find something else after that. I felt bad for him. Neither of us had a good day today, but we’re hoping it would get better by tomorrow. I woke up at 8 AM the next day, which is pretty early for me. I haven’t gotten up at 8 AM since college! I needed to get a head start if I wanted to see Derpy on time, so I hurried over to Ring Out’s house to get a fresh new magazine. I pushed him down the stairs and I pushed him back up after I got the magazine, and a whole hour an a half went by during my trip to Cloudsdale, up and down the stairs and then finding the Muffin Top Bakery down the clouded street, or whatever they have up there.
When I got to Muffin Top bakery, I went inside and rang the bell on the counter. I felt I was in the clear after this, but unfortunately a new obstacle came up. There was such a long line at over here. “Hey buddy, end of the line! Wait your turn like everypony else!” one of the pegasi complained.
“Oh sigh! Is there a fastpass or something?” I complained.
“Get back there, bucko!” the pony yelled at me.
“Whoa! Watch your language, brah! I’ll bring dat Mareami heat down on you!” I yelled at him.
“Nuh uh. There ain’t no fighin’ goin’ on in ‘ere. Not under my watch, fool!” a big fat Pegasus mare yelled out. “Back of the line, unicorn. Wait your turn.”
“Sigh.” I said as I walked to the end of the line and waited my turn. “I swear, I’m gonna explode more than the time I competed in that talent show!”
We flashback to a few weeks ago to show the Ponyville Talent Show, and yes this is a cutaway gag too. “Alright everypony, let’s give a big round of applause to Flare Gun!” the host introduced me in the background. The audience cheered as I walked on stage with a bunch of chickens and I was carrying a six-pack of ciders. I open all six cans and then I drink them all in one gulp. The audience cheered and the judges all gave me 10s. “And we have our winner!” the host cried out.
“No wait! That wasn’t the trick! I was supposed to be juggling these chickens!” I cried out. “Why can’t I have anything?!” The cutaway ends.
Anyways, while I was trying to get those muffins, Engie thought of trying a new partition to help him find what he was looking for, so he’s working as an assistant over at the Ponyville Hospital. “Now, Red Engineer, you ready for our first patient you’re going to be helping me out on?” Doctor Horse asked.
“Ready as ah’ll ever be, which usually means never.” Engie said.
“Excellent! Follow me inside.” The doctor instructed him as they both entered a room with a big hairy pony inside.
“This here is Hairy Harry; they are prepping him for surgery.” The doctor said.
“So what do ya need me to do, doc? Check his blood pressure? Check his heart-beat? Beat a hammer on his knee?” Engie asked.
“No.” the doctor said as he took out a razor. “You need to shave him.”
Engie became silent for a moment and had a grossed out look on his face. “Jeez, if ah wanted to shave ponies, ah could’ve been a barber or a serial killer. So where do I shave, his face? Ah never shaved another pony’s face before. One time, ah saw Foot Loose’s wife do it in that movie where the cool sweat hog can break mirrors with his brains, it looked easy. Uh, the shaving the sweat hog’s face, not the breakin’ mirrors with his brains, they did that with trick cartography.”
“Oh no, you’re not shaving his face, you’re shaving his back.” The doctor corrected him as Hairy Harry turned over to his back and saw all the disgusting hair that this pony had.
“Ah’m out.” Engie said as he threw the razor aside and walked out.
Back at Muffin Tops, I was still waiting in line to buy some muffins. When I finally got to the counter, I said to the Pegasus on the other side, “I’ll take a supreme box please.”
“What’s your number?” the pony behind the counter asked.
“My number is 555-“ I started.
“No, not your phone number. You need to pick a number from the labeler over there.” The pony pointed to the labeler near the front entrance.
“Then I can come back to you, right?” I asked.
“Sir, there are customers have been waiting here for an hour already. You have to wait in line again.” The pony said. I looked back and I saw the line was even longer than ever.
“Forty-five degree angle mouth face.” I said as I shook my head. So I went to the labeler, got the label, and I went back in line. I took out my cell phone and gave Dinky a call.
“Look, I know Ditzy wants muffins, but do they have to be from Muffin Top?” I asked Dinky. “You’re right, Dinky. Ditzy deserves the perfect day. I’ll get right on it. Alright talk to you later! Bye.” After I hung up, I started waiting in line for over an hour, but after a little while, I was finally able to get up to the counter and place my order. “Ok, I got a number.” I said to the pony behind the counter. “Now can I have the supreme box, please?”
“Sure, that’ll be 10 bits.” The pony from behind the counter said. I gave him the money and I picked up the muffins, and I gotta say, they smell delicious! Now that I’m finally done here, I can go pick up Geri from the Ponyville Retirement Village. So I was about to walk out, but for safe keepings I wanted to check the time, and as luck would have it, it was 11:58.
“OH FOR WIZARD OF HOPE’S SAKE!” I cried out in anger. “That’s twice this happened! UGH! GROANS!” I was so angry that I threw the whole box of muffins from afar. The muffins went through the clouds and started falling from Cloudsdale and down towards Earth.
Later that night, I met up with my friends at the Cider Bar and tried to ease the pain I’ve been having these last couple of days. “I don’t understand, brahs! I woke up early today, but time still had the best of me!”
“Calm down, man. You can try again tomorrow.” Blaze said.
“I know, but now I’ll have to get an even earlier start tomorrow. I have to go back to Ring Out’s and get a new magazine, wait in line at Muffin Top’s again, and I still need to go to Geri’s house to pick him up.”
“Ah hear ya, partner. Ah still can’t find mah meanin’ of life.” Engie said.
“How was your job today, Engie?” I asked.
“I had to shave a stallion’s back today!” Engie complained.
“Wow, if you wanted to shave, you could’ve been a barber or a serial killer.” Blaze said.
“That’s what ah said!” Engie yelled.
“Well…” Crystal started as she was nibbling on a muffin. “You might’ve all had a bad day today, but an awesome thing happened to me today! A whole box of muffins fell from the sky and landed next to me on a park bench! These are delicious! I gotta say, Faust is thanking me for something.”
“Well anyways, I hope you all got me something for my birthday this weekend. Pinkie Pie is really going to give me this awesome party Saturday night at the park, under the stars. She really understands me.” Psyche said.
“She understands all of us, mate. She understands all of us.” Aqua nodded his head and said.
“Well, ah did find this job for science tomorrow. Science! That could be meanin’ of life.” Engie said excitedly.
“I think your meaning of life should be sticking to a job for more than one day.” Psyche teased.
“Ah’d yell at you right now, but it’s almost yer birthday so ah’ll letchya off the hook this time.” Engie said to him. “And besides, maybe science will give me a sign, like a glowin’ light. Not like a glowin’ light for an alien abduction, but like a Heaven light.”
“I doubt it, dude.” Blaze said.
“Anyways Engie, what happened to your cleaning business? Bonnie told me you were pretty good. You should help me out with my house.” Crystal requested.
“Well, ah’m hopin’ mah meanin’ of life would have somethin’ to do with…. Uhhh…” Engie read out loud from the newspaper article. “Everchangin’ landscape of cosmetic testin’.”
“Maybe I can give you a few pointers on that, Engie.” Psyche offered.
“Oh here we go. The long talk.” Engie said with an annoyed tone.
“Uhh… you could always say no, Engie.” Psyche suggested.
The next day arrived and I woke up at 7 AM and got ready for my loooooooooong trip ahead. My fish were even a bit surprised. “Wow, Flare’s been getting a head start lately.” Rainbow said.
“I know! It’s like the middle of the night right now!” Dorthey complained.
“I second that. I’m not used to being fed this early.” Piddles said, still laying down on the rocks on the bottom.
Yoyo was swimming around the top, catching all the flakes I sprinkled in. “Me neither and I’m the big eater here.” He said with his mouth full of flakes.
“I swear if he keeps waking up this early, I’m moving back in with back guy with the annoying cat.” Piddles complained.
A cutaway shows a random pony in his house using his computer, but as he was typing, his cat starts stepping on the keyboard, messing up what he’s typing as well as blocking his view. “No kitty!” he complained. When the pony was eating some cereal for breakfast in his kitchen, the cat comes and he starts stepping on his cereal, splattering it all over. “No kitty!” he complained again. Later while the pony was riding in his carriage, the cat was blocking his view by standing on his head and scratching on his face. “No kitty!” his last words were before he fell off a cliff by driving out of control. In the coffin where the pony’s lifeless body was, the cat was still scraping on his face. “No kitty!” the dead pony complained. Even when the pony’s body was buried in the ground and his skin already decayed and all was left was bones, the cat was still alive and scraping on his skull. “No kitty!” the skeleton complained once more. The cutaway ends.
Anyways after I got ready extra early, I went to Ring Out’s house and dragged him up and down the stairs to get the magazine, and right after I went to Muffin Top’s, picked up a number, and waiting in the long line to get the muffins. Took me four hours to do all this, as well as get to the Ponyville Retirement Village to pick up Geri, as much as every other chore I had to do upon this request, getting him wasn’t easy. “So you wanna take Geri to visit the hospital for a chess match with Derpy Hooves?” the pony behind the counter at the lobby asked.
“Well first off, I need a chess board. The hospital doesn’t have any so I’ll have to borrow one until noon.” I said.
“Well, there’s a waiting period because all the seniors here are using the current chessboards.” The receptionist said. I took a quick peek over at the lounge area to see that all the senior citizens were using all the chessboards. Now, I know what you’re thinking. I could’ve just bought a chessboard, but you think it’s that simple? Before I came here, I called Dinky, and she said Geri will only use the chessboards from the retirement place because that’s when Geri knows they’re not germy. He knows what the chessboards look like so he’s no fool, and he can tell if I disguised one, so Dinky said, so I have to wait for the next chessboard to become available. I waiting for over an hour for the next chessboard to become available. I was starting to get a bit impatient, but all the oldsters here, it felt like they weren’t even playing but just were staring at the board. I once saw a senior pick a piece very slowly and I started to get a little excited because we’re finally going somewhere, but the senior placed the piece back down on the exact spot and shook his head.
“SIGH!” I cried out.
“Eh, what was that, sonny?” one of the senior ponies asked as he placed a hearing aid on his ear.
“You know, you can always sign up for a board and which time you want to play it, and no matter what, you’ll get to take it with you.” One of the senior ponies suggested as she pointed to the sign-up sheet.
“Wow, why didn’t I see that?” I asked annoyingly to myself. I went up to the sign-up sheet so I can get a chessboard when I want to, but before I signed, I checked the clock and it was 11:59. “UGH! GROANS, SIGHS, HOLY WIZARDS OF HOPE, STRENGTH, AND FEELINGS! SHTAIRS!” I cried out in anger.
“What was that, dearie?” one of the senior mares asked as she placed a hearing aid on her ear. As disappointed I was with my day, Engie was more disappointed in his new career in science. No, Engie was not a scientist, despite what you may think; he has a masters in engineering, that doesn’t make him a scientist. We don’t call him doctor, but we do have a doctor in our group: Psyche, he has a PHD in astronomy science.
Over at the lab where they hang posters of animals on the wall that reads ‘we do not test on animals’, Engie was in the testing room, attached to a chair, awaiting what he needs to be tested on. “Ready to get started?” a scientist asked.
“Ah guess.” Engie said.
The scientist takes out a tray full of strange powder and then blows it all over Engie’s face. Engie started to feel strange, and everything was so blurry to him. He felt like he was looking in a kaleidoscope. “You can go home now.” The scientist said in an echoy voice, and then everything started to go pitch-black. “Be sure to call us when you get your sight back.”
“Much obliged, doctor.” Engie said as he stood up from his chair, all blind.
“Oh, I’m no doctor.” The ‘scientist’ said. He then turns to the pony behind the safety glass and said as he chuckled, “Hey, Crest, this guy just called me doctor!” As Engie was trying to walk out of the place, he banged onto the safety glass and collapsed on the ground. “Ooo, dear!” the ‘scientist’ said surprisingly.
Later the night, I found Engie wondering around on the street blindly, running into random objects, including the cactus stand, the sea urchin stand, and Fluttershy’s ‘Adopt a Porcupine’ stand. After I helped him remove the thorns from his face, I walked him home. “Ah don’t think ah like the cosmetic world of science, Flare.” Engie said with his arms out, making sure he doesn’t run into anything else. “It’s no fun bein’ blind. Why is Steven Wonder always smilin’. Maybe he can’t see he isn’t smilin’. Am ah smilin’, partner?”
“No, Engie, you’re not smiling. Even though I’d like a smile right now.” I complained as I walked him into his house, but once we got inside, his security system activated.
“Security alert in progress. Access is limited for the time being. We thank you for your patience.” The AI said as the alarm activated and I ended up being trapped in an electrified net. I started making weird noises with my lips as I was being electrocuted by the net.
“Flare?! Flare what’s goin’ on? What’s happenin’?” Engie asked.
“Sec-sec-sec-sec-secur… sys-sys-sys-sys-um ON!” I studdered.
“Oh the electrified net. Oh that’s a nasty one. Here, let me disable the security system for ya.” Engie said as he walked over to his light switches and started turning them on and off.
“Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-HOW DO-DO-DOES THAT HEL-hel-HELP!?” I studdered.
“Relax, ah’m just pressin’ the code to disable the net. Just gimmie a minute.” Engie said as he kept turning on and off the lights by pressing the switches. It took Engie a while to find the actual keypad to disable the system, but I was already fried up. Somehow, what I said didn’t seem as delicious as it sounds. So Engie and I were both sitting on his couch. He was still blind, and I was pretty crispy. I prefer median-rare though.
“Hey, Flare, can ya hand me the wanted ads? Ah want to read it and find somethin’ new to find my purpose.” Engie asked. Was he really being serious when he asked that? Well regardless, I handed him the ads. He grabbed the ads and started to ‘read’ them. As I was standing next to him, Engie yelled like he thought I was in the next room, “Hey, Flare!? Can ya read this for-“
“No I’m not gonna read to you, Engie. I have to get up at the crack of dawn tomorrow. I have my own problems I need to take care.” I said as I walked to the other room to get myself a drink.
“At least ya have your sight.” Engie complained as was still facing the direction I was standing at.
“Engie, the only reason you’re getting a job right now is to be more independent.” I said as Engie looked at my direction after I spoke. “I’m pretty sure later somepony’s gonna have to help you use the lavatory and that ain’t gonna be me.”
“Me neither.” Spike said.
“Flare, why didn’t ya tell me Spike was ‘ere?” Engie asked.
“I didn’t even know.” I said. “Look, Engie, why don’t you just accept the job working for me as a busboy?” I asked.
“But ah don’t wanna be a busboy, partner. Ah wanna have a purpose like you and yer friendships.” Engie said.
“Hey not everypony has a purpose, brah.” I said. “If they can contribute and pull their own weight they are bound to have something soon.”
Engie sighs. “Alright, ah’ll be a busboy.”
“Good!” I yelled out from the far-living room as Engie eventually looked at my direction.
As Engie just sat there and whistling to himself, there was a spot of powder on Engie’s face, and Spike wanted to wipe it off. As he did, Engie stood up from his seat all surprised and yelled, “Who’s there?! Spike was that you?! Don’t be playin’ tricks on me now!”
The next morning came, and I got up at 6 AM, which is still the middle of the night, for real this time, but I was confident that today is the day I give Derpy her good day! So like I’ve been doing, I went to Ring Out’s house and dragged him up and down the stairs getting the magazine, and then I waited through that long line at Muffin Top and got the muffins for Derpy, and then I went to the Ponyville Retirement Village to get the chessboard before anypony else can take them all. It took me a few hours to do all that. The only thing I have to do now is pick up Geri and head to the hospital by noon.
“Alright, Geri, c’mon sir. We have to get to the hospital by noon.” I said to the old pony.
“Okie dokie, sonny-boy.” Geri said.
“Wait! You have to take his drops.” The nurse stopped me and said.
“What?” I asked.
“His eyedrops. You have to put drops in his eyes or else they’ll dry out and the lids will stick to the eyeballs. You don’t wanna see that.” The nurse explained. “His watch has a timer, and it’ll remind you. Oh and by the way, he hates it so… good luck!” the nurse immediately shuts the door in front of me. And so, Geri and I were on our way to the hospital with the donuts and magazine. I really thought today was the last day I’d be doing all this, but… unfortunately, yet another obstacle came up. Geri’s timer went off and he shut it off quickly but I still heard it.
“Does that mean it’s time for your drops?” I asked.
“No!” Geri said frighteningly.
“I think that means it’s time for your drops.” I nodded.
“No it doesn’t!” Geri argued with me. I immediately stood in front of him, stopping him from walking. “AAH! Roadblock!”
“C’mon, Geri, you have to take your drops or else you’ll dry up.” I explained.
“I don’t like ‘em.” Geri said.
“I know, just gimmie your head.” I instructed him as I was about to hold his head and put the drops in his eyes, but he dodges me.
“I don’t wanna!” Geri whined.
“Gimmie your head.” I demanded in a high-pitched voice.
“No!” he yelled.
“You’re gonna make me wrestle you, aren’t you?” I asked.
“Yes.” Geri said.
“Sigh.” I said as I shook my head. “Alrighty then. Let’s do this!” And so I startled wrestling Geri for his own good, and for my own good too, and probably everypony’s own good. Nopony wants to see those eyelids. I was making a scene trying to put the drops in Geri’s eyes but no one did anything to stop me because they know how old ponies are. After so much time for trying to put the drops in his eyes, I was finally able to get it done.
Geri started blinking and said, “Oh… thank you, sonny!”
“No prob.” I said in an annoyed tone. Once I looked at my phone to see the time, OH, BIG SURPRISE! 11:58! All that for nothing! I started to get pretty aggervated, but eventually I took Geri back home, kept the magazine for myself to read later in the lavatory, and I gave the muffins to the schoolhouse as a special treat, and then I went back to my shop. The first thing I did was check up on Engie.
“Hey, Engie! How’s your first day on the job?” I asked.
“It was amazin’, Flare! Yer right! Workin’ here is fun! Ah’m makin’ money, ah love the smell of pizza, ah’m startin’ to think this is mah purpose in life.” Engie said. “Ah mean, ah’m helpin’ ponies. Nopony can eat here if there are plates still on the tables. Ah mean, they can, but it would be kinda gross. Hey, maybe mah purpose is to make things less crowded and less gross.”
“It’s too bad. You did a great job on my windows.” Bonnie said.
“Well, I’m proud of you brah!” I nodded.
“So how was the hospital?” Engie asked.
“Didn’t go. Sad face. Looks like I’ll have to be waking up another hour earlier tomorrow.” I said.
“Hey, if it’s not too bad, maybe ah can take the day off tomorrow and help ya out.” Engie offered.
“Sounds good to me, brah, but we’ll have to wake up EXTRA early tomorrow.” I said.
“How early?” Engie asked.
“I suggest you stay with me for the night.” I suggested. The next day came and it was 5 AM, I’m being serious, it’s still the middle of the night! Engie was sleeping in my guest bedroom and I had to wake him up because there was no alarm clock in there. “Wakie, wakie, hooves off snakie.”
“Wha?” Engie asked as he yawned. “Mah hooves aren’t on- AAAAAAH!” he screamed as there was a live snake in his bed, hissing.
“I left him there just in case you’d be too lazy to wake up.” I said to Engie, and then I gave the snake some money and said, “Thanks, Snakie!”
“No problem, Flare!” the snake said as he sssssssizzled out of my house. The first place Engie and I went to was Ring Out’s place and dragged him up and down the stairs to get the magazine. This seemed easier than I thought because Engie offered to help me carry his wheelchair. When we got to Muffin Top, little did I know that Engie was friends with the manager so we were able to cut the line and bought our muffins right away. When we got to the retirement home, we got that chessboard, and then we picked up Geri and took him to the hospital with us. To help out with eyedrops situation, there was two of us to wrestle Geri down to make sure he takes his eyedrops; one of us to hold him down and one of us to put the drops in. Engie was stronger than me since he’s an earth pony so he held him down.
Once we got to the hospital, I checked the time and it was only 6:30 AM. “It’s only 6:30 AM, Engie! Visiting hours don’t start till 7!” I said as we went up to the counter and gave the security pony behind the desks our IDs so we can get our nametags and be able to see Derpy.
“Why did we have to wake up so early?” Engie asked. “It wasn’t hard.”
“Because the four days I wasn’t able to get these errands done without you, only took me an hour and a half to get done WITH you!” I said.
“Ah’m sorry.” Engie said upsettingly.
“No, dude, it means I need you!” I said.
“It does?” Engie asked as he began to smile.
“Yeah! I shouldn’ve told you to get that job, bro. I think your meaning of life is helping friends out in their time of need. It’s similar to the meaning that I have.” I explained.
“Really?” Engie asked.
“Yeah! I don’t need you as a busboy, brah. Just do what you love and then if any of us needs you we can just call you and you can come to the rescue!” I explained.
“Yeah, yer right, Flare.” Engie nodded. “Ah mean this is far better than pickin’ up wadded up napkins with gross stuff in them.” Just then, a beam of light started shinning from one of the hospital windows and aimed directly onto Engie’s face. Engie started to get surprised. “Oh my announcer, Flare! The light! This is mah purpose! AAAH! Sun in mah eye!” he cried out. “But… it’s all worth it. Thank you, Flare!” Engie and I both smiled at eachother and then shortly after, Geri’s timer started beeping again. Geri started to limp away but we stopped him so we can put the drops in his eyes again.
“Grab his hooves, I’ll pry his eyes open.” I instructed Engie.
“AAAH NO! STOP!” Geri cried.
“C’mon, Geri, you have to take the drops.” I said to him.
“NEVER!” Geri yelled. And so, I called up my employees as well as my friends to meet us at the hospital to see Derpy, and judging by the results, she had a pretty good day. She enjoyed the magazine, she enjoyed the muffins, and she enjoyed playing chess with Geri. It was almost time to go, but Derpy wanted to say one last thing to me.
“Flare, thank you so much for all this. This is one of the kindest things anypony has ever done.” Derpy said happily with tears in her eyes.
“Actually, Ditzy, most of this credit goes to my friend Engie here. If it wasn’t for him, I wouldn’ve been able to do this.” I said.
“Thanks, Engie!” Derpy said.
“No prob, Derpy! Anytime!” Engie said. “Now there’s still one more thing we need to do.”
All of us took put on some birthday hats and took out some blowers and after we blew on the blowers we yelled, “Surprise! Happy birthday, Psyche!”
“My birthday isn’t for another three days.” Psyche said.
“I know, but we’re running out of time for this chapter so… blow out the candles!” I said as I took out a big cake with 22 candles on it.
“I’m 23, guys, not 22.” Psyche corrected us.
“Take it as a compliment, dude. We called you younger.” Crystal said.
“Plus, I am lactose intolerance. I can’t eat this.” Psyche added.
“It’s soy frosting.” Blaze said.
“Plus, did you know my eyes are sensitive to fire?” Psyche asked. Crystal placed a pair of 2009 sunglasses on his eyes.
“It’s 2012.” Psyche corrected us.
“Quit complainin’ and blow out the candles already!” Engie demanded. Psyche thought to himself and then he blew out the candles.
“Yay!” Psyche cheered. “Uh oh, I only got 5 seconds.” Psyche runs out of the room and he comes back with a hammer and some nails and then he hammers the nails on a chair in the room and then he sits on it, holding onto the sides, and then suddenly, everypony in the room, including most of the objects immediately ‘fall’ onto the ceiling. “HA! No gravity!” he said mischievously. “Spoilers: I’m going to the moon next chapter so good practice!”