"The door says it's locked." The mare outside said. "Have you tried unlocking it?"
I paused to contemplate her question. "I don't know. What does the door tell you?" I finally asked, grimacing into the palm of my hand.
"Ah, yes, of course you've tried; my bad," the voice said with a chuckle. "It might open from this side. Let me...."
There was a loud crack. I backed away quickly, shielding my princesses. I've been taught all my life, the hard way, to not trust anything that goes 'crack'. 'Boom' is a blunt, upfront and business-like sound that announces itself loud and clear. But 'crack' is a deceptive, almost treacherous sound, suggesting lowest-bidder-craftsmanship and a lackadaisical 'it-wasn't-me' attitude.
Then, like Luna falling asleep on her hooves after her baths, the door simply keeled over inwards into the booth, crashing right at my feet.
"Ooops, my bad." The dawn-gray pegasus mare standing on the other side gave a sheepish little smile. "Sorry, I seem to break anything I touch." The briefest of frowns crossed her face, hinted at only by the droop in her ears. But when she looked up at me any traces of it had vanished, replaced by a nervous smile. Its cheeky charm was amplified a hundredfold by her bright, playful wall-eyes. Her ears perked up against her sunrise-gold mane, fidgeting nervously as she eyed me apologetically.
Even amidst the barely suppressed panic my heart managed to find space to squee inwardly with glee at the sight. A new challenger has arrived. Between the two heart-melting fillies and this adorable mare, I think my fate is sealed. I have no regrets. Take me, Monday.
"That...is actually a frighteningly powerful skill." I finally managed to say. "The kind you normally hear of in prophecy, generally coveted by both heroes and evil villains alike."
"Have you ever tried touching the ground?" Luna asked, excitedly.
"Lu-... uh... Dark Side! Please, think of our planet!" My lady hissed.
It would appear the caffeine is in a particularly planet-destroying mood today. But thankfully, sanity dictates that even pegasi must walk, and the world is thankfully still intact, at least thus far.
I think.
"T'was just a fleeting fancy, naught more." Luna waved her sister off. "And what didst thou just calleth Us? What manner of name is 'Dark Side'? Thou makest Us sound like a failed attempt at cooking eggs. We remind thee that Our last attempt did not blow up the kitchens. Thou thinkest the kitchens here have coffee? We would love to partake in some coffee."
"Haha, sister, there you are trying to act all grown-up again." My lady giggled through gritted teeth. "It is your name, silly." She hissed, glaring at Luna.
Luna stared at her sister as if she had declared a sugar-free diet. "Ha. Ha. Ha." She said, robotically, "Thou-....you play such games sometimes, my dear beloved wise, pretty and slim sister, Sun Spot." She said, mechanically, as if articulating each and every lie as carefully as possible. "I am a naively honest little filly, really." She added, for emphasis. “I also like coffee. Lots of coffee. All the coffee.”
"Sun Spot?!" My lady growled. "Ah, that reminds me, don't you need the potty, Dark Side? Or should your big sister, ‘Sunrise Splendour’, change your diapers for you? We wouldn't want you wetting your cradle again, would we?" She shot back with a vengeance.
"I..." Dark Side opened her mouth to retaliate when wisdom, or possibly her bladder, seemed to override her caffeine for just a moment. "You will wish you had a diaper on in a bit. And my coffee. After I come back from the little filly's room. And get some coffee. Or my name isn't Black Hole," she said as she shot for the door. "For freedom!"
"Dark Side." Sunrise shot back.
I quickly stepped out after her. It was my folly that brought my princesses here, putting them in harm's way. Foolish as I was, I would at least keep them both safe. "Wait a moment, little lady. You're not going anywhere by yourself," I reminded her.
"Yes I am. I'm going to potty," Dark Side said, impatiently. "I don't need to tell you what might happen if you follow me in."
"I am willing to risk my life to keep you safe," I said, stoically, in the face of certain doom.
"Please. What is there to be afraid of out here?" Dark Side scoffed, trotting forth boldly. "Other than my name? And the lack of coffee?"
"Us?" Sunrise said, shrugging her withers.
The crazed pony who would crash an entire train just to do us in, perhaps? But I didn't voice this, lest I worry the kind pegasus mare. Speaking of which...
"Thank you for helping us out, by the way." I gave the gray pegasus mare a grateful nod as I stepped out into the corridor to keep an eye on Dark Side. "Ms. Doo, wasn't it?"
"Oh, you can call my 'Ditzy'. But careful not to bite your tongue." Ditzy said with a smile.
"My friends call me Butler. A pleasure to meet you, Ms. Ditzy." I said, giving her a polite bow.
"Same here." She said, cheerfully. "Your daughters are really adorable." She added, nodding at Dark Side as the little filly trotted off towards the bathroom just next door to our booth.
I gave the weighty thought due and proper consideration. "Yes, my daughters are certainly cute." I nodded, without hesitation. "I think they stole it all from me." I said as I went over to the door to the next carriage just next to the bathroom door. I gave it an experimental tug. Yes, locked.
Ditzy gave a little giggle in response. "Not all of it, I see." She smiled, brightly.
"D-D-Daughters?!" My newfound daughter, Sunrise, balked. There was a little flutter of wings as she zoomed up to hover by my head. "Excuse me, uh, 'Daddy'..." She hissed. “What exactly do you have planned. if you don’t mind me asking?”
“Simple, my dear Sunrise.” I said with a smile. “Simply empowering myself with the heaven given privilege to do this whenever I please.” I demonstrated by giving her a gentle mane-ruffle. Check and mate.
Of course, my reasoning bore deeper motives. I know my princesses will be keen to emulate today’s success with their disguise in the future. My role will allow me a reason to ask people to keep an eye out for them should they sneak out with said disguise. It would also make them think twice before doing so without my supervision.
“No!” She squeaked in protest, blushing profusely, though I note she did not move to dislodge my hand. "I meant, since when have you developed an infatuation for wall-eyed mares?" She whispered urgently.
My lady certainly has her priorities right, looking out for me before herself. "Wait a moment, let me check." I said, calmly, allowing a pause for effect. "Since right now." I decided, earning myself a choice pout from my lady.
"Aw, come now! Thou jestest far too far! Thou lockest yon bathroom door too?! With a null-magic field no less?! WHY?!" We turned to look down at Dark Side who was trying to shout the bathroom door down, little hooves engaging in the dance of the desperate. The door, unfortunately, seemed woodenly impassive to her protests. "Let! Us! In!" She cried, turning to give the door a powerful hindhoof buck. It served only to send her rolling forwards into a little ball of filly limbs on the floor. "Ooof!" She squeaked.
"Credit where it's due, our foe is thorough," I said, smiling bitterly.
"My despair is thorough!" Dark Side squeaked.
"He wishes to kill us, one way or another." My lady nodded.
"Are you alright, uh, Dark Side?" I asked, lifting the little filly onto her hooves.
"It's 'Stellar Divine'," The identity-challenged little filly snapped impatiently. "Or 'Black Hole', whatever. And I'm anything but alright!" She cried, scraping her little hooves across the door. "My kingdom! My kingdom for a potty!" She wailed in desperation.
I bit my lip. It would appear the null-magic field cancels out earth pony magic too, judging by the fact that Luna's buck failed to even scratch the bathroom door. That meant one less key to opening the doors.
"Let me try that for you, sweetie," Ditzy kindly offered, reaching over Luna's head for the bathroom door handle. There was a loud crack as the hinges gave way with a loud snap. The door simply folded over under her touch, crashing inwards. "Oh, sorry. That always happens."
Though it would appear the null-magic field doesn’t cancel out the very walking incarnation of Sod’s law. Take that, Monday.
"Sweet sorcery! Great hero of Equestria, I thank you!" Dark Side declared, bounding over the door. "Right, anypony who looks gets a hoof through their eyes. That means you... uh... 'daddy'!"
"I think my eyes are well attended to as they are, thank you." I said, nodding at Ditzy. The gray mare gave me a quizzical head-tilt in reply. My words earned me a headbutt to the head courtesy of an increasingly-pouty Sunrise.
“Focus,” She whispered.
Sound advice. I eyed the stricken door instead. "These powers, they are real." I said with a grimace. “We might be able to use this.”
My lady paused in her pouting to follow my gaze. "I dare not imagine this power in the wrong hooves." My lady winced. "Well, wrong-er."
"To infinity and beyond!" A muffled voice declared triumphantly from within the bathroom. Those of us witness to it shared a quick glance and a shrug.
"So, you think someone's is behind this?" Ditzy asked.
"What's that?" I asked, taken a little by surprise at the sudden question.
"Sorry, didn't mean to listen in." She said, sheepishly. "But you mentioned a 'foe'. Thought you meant the train running out of control."
"You noticed?" I frowned a little at this. "For someone on said train, you're taking this very calmly." I said. Almost impressively so. I have only ever seen such cool under pressure in my very own princesses.
"Same to you." Ditzy giggled. "Me? Got faith in a few things: my daughter, good muffins, and good engineering." She smiled. "Helped design the Harmony-class locomotive, you see. It has a speed brake that locks by itself when the train goes too fast. Designed it myself." She peered out a window pane set in one of the side doors, eyes squinting at the passing emergency beacon posts set at regular intervals along the tracks. "Going by the beacon posts, we're going at 120 Hurricanes now, accelerating at 2 hurricanes per minute. The speed brakes should kick in right about... now."
We held our breaths.
We held our breaths some more.
Nothing happened. I breathed out. "Why are we holding our breaths?" I asked.
"I don't know what went wrong." Ditzy frowned. "The brakes should have locked." She turned to study a safety diagram on the wall depicting the train’s layout for the day. “We’re in the third carriage down from the engine, which means…” She murmured to herself.
"Somepony really is behind this." My lady said, expression darkening as she turned to look at me.
Stay calm. Must not, cannot outwardly panic, even if I am steadily infusing my unmentionables. I have already failed my princesses by bringing them here. Further failure was not an option. I must be the Butler they need me to be, for their sake. I took a deep breath as I re-assessed my situation. A lot of the doors are locked. They've got magic-cancelling fields on them. But how far do the fields extend? My ladies can still fly, so that suggests the fields don’t extend very far at all. "My lady, does it take continuous unicorn magic to maintain your disguise?" I whispered aside to her.
"Yes." My lady nodded. "I see what you're thinking. The null magic fields are only on the doors, possibly the walls. I can still otherwise use my unicorn magic." She eyed the doors and walls critically. "It's a particularly neat spell, suggesting the culprit was a unicorn."
"We could probably assume he or she had wisely gotten off at the last station we stopped at then. There is no reason to remain on the train once it's on its way to certain doom. Still, we must be cautious." I reasoned, carefully. “My lady, can you teleport me ahead, to the engine perhaps?”
“I could, but it wouldn’t be safe for four reasons. First, I have not seen the layout of the train with my own eyes. Second, the train is not only in motion, it’s also accelerating at an uneven pace, making actual positioning difficult. Third, we don’t know if our criminal had laced the engine with null-magic fields as well. And fourth and most importantly, knowing your luck, you’ll probably land in the hooves of a mare….or ten.”
“That last one would be truly dangerous for a gentleman of good repute,” I nodded, gravely. "Now the spell does not extend beyond the doors and walls, which is why flight still works as well." I looked around at Ditzy. "So, uh... Ms. Ditzy, if we can get a door outside open, you can fly out with my daughters, right?"
"Leave you and my little ponies on this train in danger and escape with my life?" My lady hissed in my ear. "Next you are going to tell me to go down to one sugar in my tea, I expect."
"No, that was silly of me," I replied. I knew all too well there was no convincing my lady to forego the safety of her subjects in favour of her own, even if I pointed out her doom would spell the end of Equestria.
"I designed this train. It's my fault if the fail-safes, well, fail." Ditzy said, bitterly. "Even then, I can't leave when everypony else is still in danger. I will stop this train." She said, determinedly. "Besides, my daughter is still here. Need to find her." She added, looking towards the door to the next carriage.
"She's up there?" I asked, pointing at the next carriage.
"She needed the bathroom. Thought she used this carriage's, but obviously not." She nodded at the bathroom occupied by Luna. "She must have gone over to the next carriage; the naughty filly." She bit her lip, worriedly.
"Let's go find her then," I said. "Can you break that door down too?" I asked, pointing at the door to the next carriage in front.
"I can try." Ditzy nodded, reaching out for the door handle. She pushed. She pushed some more, wings fluttering with effort. But nothing happened. "Um, I don't know what went wrong." She muttered, stepping back to eye the door critically.
I do. "I suppose it doesn't work when you want it to. Otherwise it'd be a superpower rather than an inconvenience." I surmised.
"Sorry, my bad," Ditzy said, sheepishly.
“It’s not your fault, Ms. Ditzy,” I said.
"Either that or something's blocking it from the other side." My lady said, hovering up to the door latch. "The latch is green there." She said, eyeing the handy lock indicator.
"There's always these doors." I said, testing the outward doors. To my surprise it swung open readily, smashing out against the side of the carriage. I was almost blown back by the gust of wind that surged in through the opening. The carriage was suddenly filled with the roar of the rushing wind washing past the train. The tracks beneath were but a blur with the train's accelerating speed. "This door opens just fine." I shouted.
I contemplated the wisdom of what I had planned next. Courage is no stranger to a gentleman. But at the time it felt more like a nagging mother-in-law. Then again, if I’m going to die either way, I would rather die punching the reaper in the face rather than the other way around. Finding a firm handhold on the roof, I climbed out into the roaring slipstream.
"W-wait! What are you doing?" Sunrise shouted after me. "Please, get back in here!"
I was tempted to listen. This was already looking like a bad idea. But instead, I persevered. "I shall go see what's blocking the door. Failing that, I'll move forwards towards the engine." I shouted over the roar of the wind buffeting me about. "Don't fly after me. The slipstream will knock you straight into the ground." I warned, urgently. "Just go back in the booth and..."
My words were cut off. I almost bit my tongue. A sudden jolt shook the entire train. It was enough to dislodge my precarious handhold. I shot an arm out for the roof. I missed. My body hung in the air. My heart stopped. Never have I been more drunk on life and sobered of death all at once till that very moment. A gentleman always plans to live forever, lives to die everyday. I never thought I'd get to put the latter bit into actual practice.
Well, time to get some practice then.
"No! Butler!" I heard my lady scream as she rushed towards the door for me, concealed horn glowing.
This was it. Now or never!
Yet another jerk shakes my entire body. I felt a strange sensation wrap around my wrist. Whatever it was, it was keeping me from falling. I looked up and found a warm golden glow encircling my hand. It was magic, specifically unicorn magic. It was gold in colour, but it didn't feel like the familiar touch of my lady's. Who could it be?
"Oh, big catch today. Hi, blanks." A pair of big, playful golden eyes peered down at me from atop the carriage's roof. "Fancy finding you hanging around here. Happy to see me?"
"That was a bad pun and you should feel bad." I broke into nervous laughter, raising my other hand up to grasp the roof and pull myself up. "But damn am I happy to see you, Lyra." Excuse my French. This mare, Lyra, always does, at least when she's not learning it firsthoof from me. She had done well for herself thus far, vocabulary-wise, ever since her days as my lady's student at the Princess Celestia's School for Gifted Unicorns, much to my lady's chagrin.
For the record, gentlemen do not swear, we kindly and nicely offer expletives. The only exception is when singing the carol 'Good King Wenceslas' when we get to swear 'sod', 'sod', and 'sod' some more at the top of our lungs in god's very presence.
"You okay, Butler?" Ditzy's concerned voice sailed up from below. "Anything I can do to help?"
"I'm fine, Ms. Ditzy, thank you." I called back.
"Don't do that again!" I heard my lady shout from below. "Especially finding random mares everywhere!" It was then when I felt it, the familiar tendrils of my lady’s own magic wrapped around me, just as it let go of me. Looks like she did her part too. I’ll need to thank her later.
"What? What'd We-...I mean, what'd I miss?" I heard Luna's voice join my lady's. "Daddy! Whatever it was, do it again! I wanna see! Please please please!"
"Be careful! The train's sped up above its safety limit. The shaking and jolting will only get worse!" Ditzy called after us. "I'll watch your fillies! Just be careful!"
"How much time do we have left?" I called back.
"We just ran the signal at Hoofton station. 25 more minutes!" Ditzy shouted back.
"Quick, Sun Spot, what do you wanna do for 25 minutes?" Luna asked, excitedly. “Wanna go find some coffee?! Cause we can really go find some coffee. Doesn’t that thing over there look like coffee to you?”
"Understood, Ms. Ditzy! Don't worry, I'll find your daughter for you!" I shouted back. "What's her name?"
"Dinky! She's a unicorn filly, dawn-lilac, golden mane!" Ditzy said. "And thanks!"
"Lyra, what the hell are you doing here?" I asked the mint green unicorn before me as I got up. I just about spotted what looked suspiciously like a periscope before it disappeared neatly into her saddlebags.
"Fishing, as you can see." Lyra shrugged, as if it was the most obvious thing in the world. "You know what they say, give a stallion a fish, he eats for a day. Give a stallion a mare...."
“Weren’t you attending Princess Cadence’s school for brides right out of Celestia’s school?” I asked, recalling how she just up and left Canterlot for the Crystal Empire right after her graduation.
“Yep. Graduated top of their history books. Learned everything a good bride must know including all seven varieties of snot you can beat out of a changeling.” Lyra grinned, proudly. “Now I’m out for some practical experience.” She gave me a wink.
"Hope they taught you how to control runaway toasters. You know the train's running out of control?" I asked, slowly stepping my way forwards towards the gap between our carriage and the one in front.
"It’s no different from controlling your husband, it’s all in finding the right levers and buttons. And duh, you think I'd be up here enjoying the view otherwise?" Lyra asked. "That said, it is a pretty nice view."
"Why, thank you." I grinned, "I do work out."
"Wha-...I wasn't..." Lyra suddenly stammered. But before I could turn to face her and ask her what's wrong, reality called, in the form of a pony projectile zooming straight for us.
"L-Lookout!" The figure speeding through the air towards us cried, waving her forehooves wildly. It was yet another pegasus mare, this one a fiery yellow, topped with a flaming orange mane and tail. From the looks of her one frantically fluttering wing, one completely frozen wing, she had about as much control as my lady's sweet tooth. “Mayday! Mayday!” The pegasus mare cried, frantically.
"I got you!" I shouted, reaching out for the out-of-control pegasus.
"Watch out, Blanks! I'm not strong enough to hold onto both of you at that speed!" Lyra warned, readying her horn with a burst of golden magic.
"Just slow me as much as you can!" I instructed, sounding much more confident than I really felt. "I'll handle the re-..." The soft bundle of fur and feathers slammed into me bodily. I was pushed over backwards, tumbling head over heals.
"I still got you!" I declared as I righted myself onto my belly. I slid all the way back across the carriage's roof, my prize clutched tightly in one arm. My one free arm scrambled for purchase on the roof, but to no avail. I felt Lyra's magical hold on my outstretched wrist struggle to slow me down. But even she was struggling to keep a hoofhold on the rooftop, her hooves slowly but surely screeching and sliding after me.
“I think I still got you!” The rear end of the carriage rooftop loomed closer. I gritted my teeth. The sheer drop came. I felt my stomach lurch into my throat. My heart was beating in my very head. With what little grip I had left, I grasped the edge of the rooftop just as my passenger and I slipped off the edge. Using my hold on the roof's edge I swung down, slamming myself against the carriage's rear door with a painfully wet splat. With an experimental reach of one foot I thankfully found myself just within toe-reach of the gangway between our carriage and the one behind. Letting go of the roof's edge, I allowed myself to safely land on the gangway.
I also allowed myself a rather ungentlemanly whimper as I leaned against the door before sliding down slowly onto the gangway, pegasus mare still clutched tightly in my arms.
While I'm not normally one to abandon my loyal comrades-in-arms, these unmentionables are probably beyond saving now. Rest in peace.
I wonder if I left an embarrassing streak down the entire length of that rooftop? I should remember to bring a mop up there later if we survive.
"Hey, Blanks! You okay down there?" I heard Lyra call down for me. I looked up and found her peering down at me from above.
I managed to reply with what I think was a very watery smile. "I think so, in spirit at least." I wheezed, breathlessly. "I'm afraid I cannot say the same for my pride." I only wish I could change crown jewels as easily as I could change unmentionables. Mine were furiously protesting my decision to turn and slide all the way down that rooftop on my belly and threatening no heirs to my name. I'd be discretely fanning them if I weren't in the presence of a lady. Ah well, at least there was something cool and wet cooling them down for now.
"Dammit, don't scare me like that!" Lyra said, giving me a reproachful look.
I was too busy studying the carriage door in front of me to reply. As I suspected, they were indeed blocked from outside. Someone had jammed metal bars in the handles. Said bars looked suspiciously like levers ripped out of some contraption somewhere. Ah, the carriage coupling levers and emergency brake levers are missing. Well, that solves that little mystery.
This criminal had some form of really twisted obsessive compulsive disorder. To go as far as removing all the usual staples of runaway train troubleshooting? That's just plain unfair. Come to think of it, judging by the measures our assassin has taken, I doubt there'd be much we'd be able to do once we get to the engine. But I simply had to try.
"Listen, I'm going to take this pegasus inside." I shouted up at Lyra. "It looks like they're blocking the carriage doors with these iron bars. Could you go remove the one blocking the door upfront?" I asked.
"Sure thing, Blanks!" Lyra shouted back, throwing me a smart salute. “Uh, don’t run off without me, alright?” She quickly added, looking uncharacteristically nervous all of a sudden before she disappeared.
"Be careful, alright?" I hollered back. "Try not to collect any more of your souvenirs!"
"Uh, wow." The mare panting in my arms breathed, reminding me of her presence.
"I agree, indeed." I sighed. "I admit I have no idea how we are still alive. Well, for now at least."
"That's... not what I meant." She said, breathlessly. I glanced down at her and found her peering up at me with her bright sunfire-orange eyes, her expression strangely unreadable. Though she was quite severely flushed from the excitement. "Uh, sorry, I mean, um, thanks. For catching me." She said, looking worryingly dazed.
"Oh, don't mention it. I get plenty of practice everyday." I said. Mainly dive-tackling my lady when she's 'sleeptrotting' to the kitchen pantry every night.
"I like practicing too." She murmured, still looking rather confused. "Lots."
"I see.” I said, eyeing the frozen wing. “Is your wing alright? It wasn’t flapping quite right earlier.”
My sudden question seemed to ward away whatever was left of her daze. “Oh, it’s nothing.” She said with a sudden scowl, quickly shaking her head. "By the way, it's alright to let go of me now." The mare said, looking down at the arms curled around her tightly.
"Oh, my apologies, ma'am," I said, suddenly realizing I still clutching onto her for dear life. I quickly let her go, helping her onto her hooves.
"Spitfire. Just call me Spitfire." She said. "You're... her highness' assistant, right? Butler, wasn't it?" She asked, quickly regaining her composure and her perky and punchy voice.
"Assistant, amongst other things." I nodded. 'Punching bag, and, now, daddy too,’ I thought inwardly. I thought I recognized her. I had met her on several occasions whenever the Wonderbolts were invited to perform for royal functions. "Always a pleasure to see you again, Captain Spitfire." I gave the all-famous captain of the Wonderbolts a nod. "I only wish we could have met again under better circumstances." I slowly pulled myself back onto my shaky feet.
"Nah, just Spitfire," Spitfire said. "Not 'captain' anymore. Besides, I'd have thought all them royal balls and galas are far more deadly? At least here we know what's trying to kill us." She cracked a smile.
"Definitely not the canapes, the fruit punch or the killer jokes." I agreed, steadying myself against the door. No rest for the wicked, or the train for that matter. I quickly found the metal bar blocking the door back into my own carriage. "What happened back there? Were you trying to fly somewhere?" I asked as I worked to dislodge the metal bar from the handle.
"Uh..." She looked downcast for all of a second. "Well, you probably know how we're all on a runaway train now. Let's just say I was trying to fly my way to the engine and leave it at that. Between spending the rest of my life on this train or spending the rest of our lives swapping stories, I know which I prefer." She said as she gave me a hoof at shoving the metal bar out. "You were up there looking to stop the train too, right?"
"No, I was on my way to the dining car and I got lost on the way." I said as we both finally released the metal bar. "I was lost until I met you, Ms. Spitfire."
"A-ah. I, oh, that's nice?" She stammered, her flush quickly returning for some reason, quickly registering herself in my hall of adorable ponies right alongside Ditzy. Today, calamitous as it was, has proven to be a veritable goldmine of cute, much to my private glee.
I did not get to dwell on the adorable sight for too long as the door was suddenly wrenched open inwards and my hand was still on the handle. I was tugged inside after it. My face, however, failed to join the rest of my body, as it met some rather stubborn resistance in the form of a fist, a lamentably accurate one.
Ouch. I think St. George himself felt that.
"Look, fools! Iron Will opened the door!" A loud, booming voice declared as its owner took hold of me by my collar before I could even fall back. Blast, I spent all morning pressing that, getting the creases just right!
"Did you really have to punch the first pon-, er... person to walk through it?" A familiar female voice demanded.
My assailant went on, ignoring the perfectly valid and pertinent question, particularly pertinent to my face. "And I caught us the criminal behind all this! So it proves Iron Will is innocent! So quit your pony jibbe-jabba!" He declared, holding me aloft like a hunting prize. "Ooh, I'd hate to be you right now, because Iron Will is gonna rain down a world of hurt on you!"
"Excuse me, sir." I wheezed at my assailant, "I have no need for your attitude. I brought my own." A whole trouser-full at that.