Ringing. That's all he could hear.
In the darkness behind his eyelids, the world around him turned and tumbled. He gripped the grass, willing the world to sit still.
Grass?
"Shawn... don't fall asl.... hear m... Shawn..." The voice was muffled, barely audible through the white noise that plagued his ears.
Warmth enveloped him. A familiar feeling, but with a different... taste? Sound?... it was hard to describe. Like a blind man seeing color for the first time in his life.
Color... that seems right...
The world around Shawn finally settled, his mind grounded itself, and memories began to flood back along with his hearing.
"SHAWN!"
"AAAHHHH!" He sat up with a start. The scream had come from inches away from his left ear and had nearly left him deafened again.
"Oopsie... sorry."
He turned, finally recognizing the voice as Pinkie Pie, who smiled awkwardly, backed up a few steps, and dashed off to who knew where. In retrospect, he was not surprised that Pinkie's scream was actually loud enough to wake the dead.
Wait... I'm not dead, am I?
Opening his mouth, Shawn began to voice the thought when the world hit him right between the eyes. Though, for once, not literally.
They were outdoors, next to a stone and marble structure, but not the one they'd been inside of only a moment ago. In fact, this one looked suspiciously like the Royal Guard Headquarters. A slightly singed Twilight sat in front of him, her horn lit by a dying glow and her face a confused mixture of expressions he wouldn't even bother to try to tell apart until she settled on one.
"Shawn... w-what... did... what did YOU DO!?" Horrified outrage it was.
Having a laundry list of questions he considered far more important than answering hers, Shawn chose what he thought would be the easiest one to start with, "How long was I out?"
"A few seconds-" she answered reflexively before shaking her head and resuming her glare, "No! You're not asking the questions! I'm asking the questions!"
Shawn started to rub his head with his injured hand, then cradled it with a wince when it forcibly reminded him that it was probably broken, "Sheesh... is that any way to treat an injured friend?" Actually, it didn't hurt nearly as much as it should have. Had she numbed it?
"The princess and I search and search for you and Dash, then when we finally find you, it turns out YOU JUST BLEW UP THE DIAMOND DOG EMBASSY AND KNOCKED OUT ITS AMBASSADOR! So... YES! YES, IT IS!" Twilight performed what Shawn thought was a fairly credible impression of the Cap'n at his angriest, though her laid-back ears and frazzled mane gave her a look that was more frantic than calculating.
"Whoa, hey! Why would you assume I blew it up?"
A breeze rolled in, carrying with it smoke and ash from a spot across the city he now suspected was the smoldering crater where there once was an official foreign government building. Now that he looked around, he could see hundreds of shell-shocked party guests, milling about in confusion. Guards, both injured and fresh, rushed back and forth from the main tower, carrying supplies and escorting medics past a group of nervous, armed diamond dogs encircled by twitchy, armored unicorns. The ponies seemed to be rallying around a strange, light-pink pegasus in an almost-over-the-top fancy uniform.
He'd apparently been miraculously transported from one powder keg only to be dropped into another.
"So... you didn't have anything to do with this?" Twilight's volume dropped several decibels, and the relief was plain on her face.
"Well... that's not... entirely true..."
She groaned, ducking down and putting her hooves over her head, "Now the diamond dogs are going to declare war. And the princess will have to banish us to some desolate wasteland as a peace offering, where we'll have to live out our days eating weeds just to survive..."
"Speak for yourself. I have diplomatic immunity."
She tilted her head to glare balefully at him with one eye.
"Besides," Shawn continued, "At most, I only ended up getting the TNT set off earlier than it was meant to. And I warned the princess in time for her to do... whatever she did..."
The glare continued for a few more seconds, before she blinked, apparently absorbing his statement and calming down a bit.
It occurred to Shawn that Twilight should have heard all of this from Dashie already. He glanced around once more, looking specifically for the cyan mare. She was laying on the grass, heaving as if she'd just sprinted a marathon while carrying her own weight in rocks... which, if he thought about it, was pretty much what had actually happened. Just beyond her, in a very similar state, lay Celestia. And just beyond her stood Luna, watching over the unconscious diamond dog ambassador.
"Did... did the princess seriously teleport the entire crowd in the lobby halfway across the city?"
Twilight shook her head in response and Shawn started to grimace at the thought that anyone had been caught in that explosion.
Then she spoke, "It looks like everypony in the compound, and even some bystanders across the street, got caught in her spell."
Shawn whistled. That was... a lot of people-... ponies?... creatures.
God, this is confusing.
"Could you do that many?" he thought to ask.
"Are you kidding?" Twilight finally stood up, apparently having decided that despairing wasn't going to help anyone, "On my own, I could maybe do five or six, if I really strained myself..." She paused to take in the full size of the crowd, "This... I can't even imagine being able to do this. Not without the Elements of Harmony."
"Wait wait wait...I thought you and your friends were the Harmony... thingies."
She raised an eyebrow at him, "Shawn... we covered this... we're just the chosen vessels for the Elements. Granted, we have certain... unnatural abilities because of it. Like Dash's toughness or my facility with magic. But, in the end, we're just avatars. The Elements themselves are the eternal, material representations of the primal energy we refer to as 'higher magic', or 'Harmony'."
"So... you're the Elements. But only because you use the Elements. But you still have special powers even when you don't have the Elements on you, because you represent the six elements that represent Harmony. Did I get that right?"
She nodded, "Honesty, Laughter, Generosity, Kindness, Loyalty, and Magic. With our powers combined-"
"I AM CAPTAIN PLANET!"
Twilight stopped and stared at him for a moment, "I'm... not sure what to say to that."
With a shrug, Shawn started walking toward the princess, "In my defense, if you were me you wouldn't have been able to resist, either."
"I'll take you word for it."
It was worth noting, to him at least, that Twilight was getting progressively quicker at adjusting to these moments. Maybe all that exposure to Pinkie Pie had made her more psychologically resilient than the average pony.
"So," she continued as she followed him, "if you didn't blow up the embassy, who did?"
He looked back at her, "Now, what would be the fun in just giving away the big revea-"
"It was the ambassador, wasn't it?"
"Damn it, Sparky!" Shawn glared at her, "Why you gotta be like that?"
The mare smiled smugly up at him, "You're not the only one who can put clues together to make a logical deduction."
"Maybe... but you know what the difference is between you and me?" he responded with an equally smug grin, "I make this look good."
They arrived before the princess, cutting off whatever she was going to say in reply.
Celestia was not looking her best. Her mane was dull and lay flat, her normally purest-white coat was now slightly grayish, and her eyelids drooped with exhaustion. In spite of this, she somehow managed to sit perfectly straight, emitting an aura of regality that was very nearly palpable.
"Twilight Sparkle, my faithful student," She nodded at her protégé, who bowed before her, "And Shawn... I hope you have a very good explanation for..." The princess paused to nod towards the column of smoke, "That."
Shawn glanced over his shoulder, then raised an eyebrow at her, "Well, clearly that building was in need of some remodeling. I mean, did you even see the top floor? I've never seen a shoddier dungeon. And who even puts a dungeon on the top floor of a building, anywa-"
"Shawn!" Twilight doing that baleful-glaring thing again.
"The ambassador did it!" he blurted.
Now she had her head buried back beneath her hooves.
Celestia, for her part, was busy staring back and forth between him and ambassador Bones.
"I assume there is more to the story than that." She arched an eyebrow and motioned for him to sit with a wing.
Twilight, finally having put herself together again, stood next to Celestia as Shawn gingerly took a seat in front of the princess, carefully cradling his hand.
The sun deity's gaze shifted to his injury and became visibly worried, "Are you alright?"
"I got a booboo." he admitted with a fake pout as he held up his injured appendage, "Since Twilight was nice enough to numb the pain, I take it you guys can't just fix broken bones with magic?"
The princess laughed, then shared a glance with her student, who managed to look both wry and concerned at the same time as she stepped forward.
"Unfortunately, 'healing' with magic simply involves speeding up natural processes. And if we don't get a doctor to set the bones in your hoo-... hand first, they'll end up crooked." Twilight paused her lecture to shake her head, "Even then, it'll take days for the bones to knit."
"That's a no, then."
"Yes."
"So it's a yes?
"No."
"No to yes or no to no?"
"What?"
"No, What's on second. Who's on first."
Twilight glanced helplessly at the princess, who cut in with a renewed smile, "I am glad you can bring a measure of levity to distract from this otherwise dire situation, Shawn. However, you should present whatever evidence you have before I am forced to place you under arrest."
If Shawn had been drinking anything, he would have performed the world's most exaggerated spit-take, "What!? But... the dynamite was the evidence... I thought I had immunity!" It would be Shawn and Dash's word against the ambassador's. He certainly hadn't seen that minotaur wondering around in the crowd.
Even Twilight was giving her princess a surprised look.
"Please, do not misunderstand..." Celestia sighed, "It is obvious to me you had nothing to do with it, but I gave you that immunity on Equestrian soil. The embassy is United Tribes territory. And every pony, griffon, and diamond dog at the gala saw you and Rainbow Dash burst into the lobby and attack the ambassador right before the explosion. Unless we can convince them of your innocence, the diamond dogs will be within their rights to call for your extradition to United Tribes lands. 'Arresting' you myself might cause some diplomatic issues... however, it will also give us enough time to find a way to get you home. Hopefully it will not come to that, but I will not abandon you to them after what you did for us this night. Now... what happened?"
That's when it clicked. Something had been bugging Shawn for a while... a question niggling at the back of his mind, triggered by something Twilight had said right before she started yelling.
"The princess and I search and search for you and Dash..."
A scene flashed before his eyes:
He stood in the princess's study once again, in the midst of presenting his theory on the merchant-pony's murder.
Celestia frowned and looked anxiously in what Shawn assumed was the exact direction of Lyra's room. It was a little eerie how the princess could just tell where the unicorn was.
Shawn's eyebrows scrunched in thought and allowed the silence after her question to stretch into awkwardness.
She set me up. It was the most obvious answer, but his brain dismissed the thought as soon as he had it, No... that's definitely not it. But she's hiding something.
He needed answers and he was going to get them.
"Hey, Sparky, why don't you get the others so I don't have to do this twice again? 'Sides, I need Dashie here to coordinate my story."
"It's corroborate, Shawn. Saying coordinate just makes you sound guilty... -er..." Twilight sighed, then glanced at Celestia, who nodded in confirmation before the purple mare ran off to collect her friends.
She seemed mildly startled at his narrow-eyed stare, "Is something wrong?"
"You tell me."
The princess actually seemed put off by this as she gave him a questioning glance.
Shawn sighed and continued, "You knew exactly where Lyra was the moment we told you she'd been threatened, but I'm supposed to believe you spent half the party completely unable to find me or Dash? Why did you pretend to not know?"
He almost regretted those words, as at that moment the princess... deflated. Her posture, so regal and confident, became slumped and tired.
"I suppose I should not be surprised." she chuckled sadly, then looked up at him, ashamed but unapologetic, "I suspected, as you did, that the culprit was somepony close to the ambassador. I also suspected you might try something... unorthodox. So I listened in on your plans with Rainbow Dash. And, in spite of my instincts warning me of the danger, I allowed you to follow through." The princess sighed, "I had no idea our enemy would be so... vicious. It is not like the United Tribes to so casually disregard the lives of the innocent."
Shawn pondered this for a moment, "Okay, you didn't trust the new guy to not do something stupid. That's fair. You still haven't answered my question, though."
"Because, for the first time in a thousand years, I find myself at a complete loss." The princess turned to meet his eyes, once more full of pride and wisdom, yet tired beyond measure, "Even in the very old days of true monsters and demons, which relished the taking of innocent lives, the foes Luna and I fought and eventually banished were... transparent. Their motives and presence was a clear and present danger. And while some of them struck from the shadows, you knew what it was that you were supposed to fear emerging from the darkness." She looked over to the ambassador, now surrounded by medics, "Friends were friends. Foes were foes. And evil either fled before the light or attacked it head on." The sun-goddess turned her face away from that scene, incidentally looking in the direction of the shattered embassy, "This was not darkness. Darkness is easy to see in a place like this... it makes itself known simply existing. This evil was invisible... empty. Striking through corrupted proxies and eating away at my ponies and my weaknesses until..."
Celestia stopped and sighed, sitting silently for a moment.
Shawn felt for her... genuinely liked her, even. But, if experience had taught him anything, it was to never leave any stone un-turned. That kind of negligence could come back to bite you hard. It could end with your loved ones lying on a beach somewhere... shot. He shoved the memory away.
"Tonight, I chose to place my trust in you, Shawn. And I will continue to do so for as long as you prove yourself worthy of it." She smiled at him, "And, tonight, it just happened to pay off rather nicely."
He preened at the praise, which apparently caused the princess some measure of amusement.
"Although," she continued with a serious look, "we will be having a serious discussion about your... methods when we get back."
His smile disappeared with a gulp.
---------------------------------------------
It was only a few minutes after Twilight returned with her friends that ambassador Bones finally regained consciousness. The old dog looked even more tired than Celestia, and his posture cried defeat rather than defiance. Still, princess Luna kept a close eye on him as she escorted him back to their little gathering.
"I don't get it... why can't the princess just stare him into telling the truth?" Dash muttered sullenly.
"Because," Twilight whispered, "she does that by temporarily imposing her will on somepony, overriding their own. She can force somepony to tell the truth that way, but that also means she could force them to lie... which is exactly what the ambassador will claim she did if she does."
The pegasus's only response was to continue muttering darkly. Personally, Shawn kind of wished he hadn't heard how that worked... he'd just gotten over being thoroughly intimidated by the princess.
By this point, Bones was close enough to see Shawn. The ambassador flinched and took a step back, bumping into the princess of the night behind him, "What is violent ruffian doing unguarded!?"
"Hey! He may be a crazy, out-of-control, alien monkey, but at least he didn't try to kill everypony, you bu-!" Dash's shouting degenerated into a series of muffled exclamations as Applejack clamped down on the pegasus' muzzle with both front hooves.
"Eh heh... sorry 'bout that, princess." Applejack chuckled nervously as she continued to hold down her increasingly enraged friend.
Luna only shook her head in response, while the ambassador held a grim silence. Things probably weren't going according to plan, and he didn't seem to be very good at hiding how upset that made him. Still, he had enough wherewithal to pretend at confusion when Celestia bade he stood before her.
This was going to be tricky. Shawn didn't want to get "arrested". Not because he feared being restrained to his room in the castle, but because it would mean he could no longer be involved with the case. He'd been kicked off cases before, but he'd never let that stop him from seeing them through to the end and he wasn't about to let that perfect record get end now. However, to avoid it, he needed evidence of the ambassador's guilt, and the only one who could provide that now was... well... the ambassador.
"What is meaning of this?" The question that finally broke the silence sounded suitably confused, yet was delivered in a low tone with narrowed eyes. Bones undoubtedly already knew the answer, but it looked like he was going to stick to his ignorance play.
"Oh, you already know what it's about... ambassador." Shawn put as much derision as he could into the word, "We already know you've been commanding your dogs to intimidate the ponies in the merchant quarter through threats and violence in a nefarious bid to dominate Equestria's economy. All the evidence we've found points to your embassy."
The ambassador growled, "If köpek were involved, I assure they will be punished to full extent of United Tribes law. However, I find insinuation being made by dangerous, criminal alien appalling. Almost as shocking as you," He shifted his glare to Celestia, "even considering taking seriously."
The princess remained silent in response, forcing the dog to look back to Shawn.
He'd asked... begged, really... that Twilight and her friends remain quiet no matter what was said. They all agreed, some more reluctantly than others, though they insisted on sticking around to see what happened. He could already see by the tight-lipped grimaces on Twilight and Rarity that this was going to test their promise and their patience to their limits.
"We know it was you. Even if you hadn't given yourself away by personally siccing your pet minotaur on me and Dash, all we had to do was catch a single one of your dogs and have one of the princesses here make them point us to the rest. It's over, Bones."
"This is ridiculous. I was at party whole time. And I have never met any minotaur, personally."
Okay, now for the obvious jab.
"Yeah, right. The princess and Twilight here can testify to your convenient disappearance during dinner. Tell me, Bones, where'd you get all that dynamite? Did Blindy the minotaur get it for you? He almost certainly had to cart it all up those stairs for you, old dog. You sure no one saw him?"
He knew the ambassador was smart and careful, a tough opponent in any sort of match of wits. It was going to take every trick in Shawn's book to confuse the wily old dog into making a mis-
"I assure you no köpek saw Blind Rage in embassy."
Everyone held their breath, as Shawn stared at the ambassador in shock.
No way...
"Shawn never told you his full name..." Twilight breathed, just loud enough for all to hear.
Bones stood there, staring at the ground glumly, before sighing loudly and falling to his knees, "Fine.... you caught. I planned whole take-over. Forced other dogs into it."
The ponies broke into cheering, as Luna bound the ambassador's hands behind his back and bound them with glowing, blue energies.
Shawn could only stand there, gaping at an opponent who'd just walked into literally the oldest trick in the book. It couldn't be that simple... he'd spoken with Bones extensively and still had not the slightest inkling that the ambassador had been behind everything until the dog tried to have him stomped. Had Shawn simply misread him? These weren't the actions of a brilliant ma-... dog trying to get away with a crime. He may as well have thrown the-
The ambassador had walked right into Shawn's obvious verbal trap.
He'd walked right into it.
With a flash, Shawn was back in the dungeon:
Shawn's eyes narrowed as the dog sighed once again.
"There is saying we köpek have: A well has two bottoms... the water and the ground. When water become murky, you cannot see one past the other... I am sorry, but I was given no choice in matter." The dog looked up and met Shawn's eyes, "I do not hate you. Like you, even. But I must still kill you."
The present came crashing back. Twilight and the others listened closely as Dash retold the story, while Celestia and Luna conferred over the kneeling disgraced ambassador.
"Are you alright, Shawn?" Fluttershy used a forehoof to pull carefully at his broken hand, "Does it still hurt?"
"He didn't do it..." Shawn whispered.
"W-What?"
"He didn't do it." Louder this time.
The rest of the ponies quieted down, turning to stare at him in disbelief.
Shawn turned to ambassador Bones, who paled noticeably.
"You really didn't do it, did you!?" He yelled this time.
The glare Bones sent his way was full of as much anger as fear... and it was all the confirmation Shawn needed.
Well... crap...
------------------------------------------------------
"Shawn, what in tarnation are you blatherin' about now!?"
"Yeah! Whaddaya mean he didn't do it!? You saw him order that big lug to stomp us flat!"
Applejack and Dash's confused shouting was starting to draw attention from some of the bystanders. Fortunately, Twilight came to his rescue.
"Calm down, everypony!" The purple mare sighed, rubbing her temples with a hoof before turning to Shawn, "Although, it is a legitimate question..."
Once again, every eye was on him as he approached and knelt in front of the ambassador, who snarled at him.
"What have you done?" where Bones' voice had been gravelly, now it was downright guttural, "You dig and dig. You dig so far, you hit molten stone and you and everyone around you hurt."
Shawn answered with the simplest question, "Why?"
The diamond dog only laughed. But it was the kind of laughter that comes from finding that one tiny bit of humor in the horribleness of a situation. The kind of laughter that always ended in tears.
"Shawn...?" Twilight's hoof gently prodded at his shoulder.
"The promise, Sparky." He glanced back at her, pleading with her not to interfere.
It took her a moment, but she finally nodded and stepped back, watching silently.
"Man... I know you didn't plan this, Bones." Shawn turned to face the kneeling dog, "Or maybe you did... you're definitely smart enough for it."
Bones continued to glare at him.
"You're not a bad guy... dog. You're educated and witty. You have a good sense of humor and a position of power. You're already flithy rich... you don't have a real motive. Hell, you even told me yourself that you like me. Well, maybe not anymore... but you did."
The dog's lip turned up as he growled again.
"But you're covering for someone. Someone who's got something on you that you think is worse than whatever these ponies can do. Who is it, Bones? And what do they have on you? What's so important that it's worth your good name, your honor, and even the risk of starting a war?"
"My family!" the ambassador finally snarled, tears in his eyes, "It has my family!"
Shawn distinctly heard Rarity gasp, but ignored it, "Who has them?"
"My children..." Bones moaned, "Their children. My brothers and their children. All are hostage." He looked up, begging Shawn with his eyes, "All will die if this comes back to it."
Memories. Horrible memories of his mental battle with Yang ran through his mind. Those feelings of sheer, mind-numbing terror at the possible deaths of his loved ones. Dad, Gus... Jules... These were the tactics of someone or something that was utterly ruthless and cunning. A sociopath and manipulator of the highest order. And the only way to beat that...
"Let him go." Shawn said with finality, "And be sure to let everyone know how cooperative he was."
The ponies looked confused. Except for princess Celestia, who grimaced, but remained silent.
He heard her again, in his mind. "Tonight, I chose to place my trust in you, Shawn. And I will continue to do so for as long as you prove yourself worthy of it."
Ambassador Bones was cunning. Shawn knew that, because his expression went from one of confusion to one of utter terror almost immediately.
"No! You cannot do this! They will all die! It will kill them!"
Shawn only shrugged as the dog howled.
Out of the corner of his eye, he saw Twilight begin to step forward, anger in her features. Her advance was stymied by her mentor, who extended a wing in her path and shook her head.
"Or..." Shawn began.
Bones stopped and stared at him, cautiously.
"You actually cooperate."
"Then they all die anywa-"
"Not necessarily..." Shawn paused to stand up and stretch, before turning to the implacable Luna, "Princess, please arrest me on suspicion of involvement in the bombing of the Diamond Dog embassy and take both your new prisoners to the castle for questioning."
Luna hesitated but, after a nod from her sister, eventually wrapped his arms in a cocoon of blue magic. The rest of the ponies gaped as he took a seat next to the ambassador, who stared at him in utter confusion.
"Here's the deal, Scooby. We won't let you go... in fact, we're going to pretend we think you were the only one behind this. In exchange, you tell me who's pulling your strings, so I can help you cut them."
The ambassador shook his head, "They will know as soon as you start investigation-"
"That's why there won't be an official investigation. Only an escaped, suspected bomber looking to join up with whoever's got a grudge against the ponies that falsely arrested him."
Bones stared at him, and Shawn held his breath as the dog considered his proposal.
"The Shadow."
"Huh?"
"Its name is... 'The Shadow'."
----------------------------------------
"Are you crazy!?" Twilight shouted for the fifth time.
Or was it sixth? Shawn had lost count.
"Yeeeeaaahhh... I hate to agree with the paranoid bookworm, but this one's a bit out there. Even for you."
Et tu, Rainbow Dash?
Shawn sighed and settled himself more comfortably against the wall as he waited for the pegasus guard detail to arrive. He'd gotten Luna to loosen the magical cuffs a bit for both him and Bones, who sat, leaning silently against the wall a little further down.
"Look, I know it's crazy. But this is our only real lead and this is the only way we can follow it without getting a bunch of puppies killed."
Fluttershy whimpered at the thought, while Applejack and Rarity tried to speak over each other.
"How can ya reasonably expect ta solve this problem with more lies, when lies're what got you in this dang pickle in th'first place?"
"There must be a better way. Did you learn nothing from our own previous misadventure, Mr. Spencer?"
The farm pony and the fashionista huffed at the exact same time in the exact same tone, then gave each other a look. He started to snort, but it was cut short when both glares were immediately redirected back at him.
"Are you crazy!?"
Seven. I'm gonna call that one the seventh time and keep count from there.
"I think it's kinda smart, in a tricky sort of way!"
"Pinkie Pie!" Twilight, Rainbow Dash, Rarity and Applejack cried in unison.
"Are you crazy!?" Twilight finished for the other three.
Shawn started to say something else, but stopped and stared at the frazzled librarian, "Wait, was that one to me or to her?"
"Both of you!"
He thought about it for a moment, then shrugged, Yeah, okay, that counts. Eight.
For her part, Pinkie Pie smiled, nodded, and chanted, "Abso-possibly-yup-a-roony!" in a disturbingly nonchalant way.
There was a moment of silence as Shawn and the mares digested the simple truth of this, before it was broken by a familiar earth-shattering roar.
"SPENCER!"
Shawn took his earlier thought back. Comparing Twilight's adorably-flustered-kitten hiss to the rage-volcano known as the Cap'n was patently unfair.
He sat straighter, trying to spot the approaching white pegasus in elaborate, golden armor. However, the only winged pony he could see was the blond-maned pink stallion in uniform from earlier. That fop was sure to be surprised when the Cap'n came barreling through.
Huh... those other ponies sure seem to be giving him a lot of sp- "Oh... my god."
"Captain Aegis!" Twilight exclaimed from beside him as the mares made room for the Cap'n to stand, "Let me explai-"
"No. No explaining. No excusing. No nothing."
"Well... that's actually a double negative... so, does that mean you want... me... to..." Protégé of the princess and national hero she may be, but Twilight withered under the Cap'n's intense glare just as any other pony would.
"You." The Cap'n drew out the word into a hiss, shifting his glare toward Shawn, "You caused this. Somehow, you're responsible for this in some way. And I've been given the odious task of escorting you back to the castle, so I can find out how."
Wings twitching, the Cap'n dragged Shawn to his feet by the glowing, blue manacles and whispere-... well... shouted slightly more quietly, "The only good thing about this whole bucking night is the blissful joy I'm currently deriving from the act of arresting y-"
"You're pink..."
Aegis paused, staring at Shawn as his expression soured even more, "... and there it goes. Your talent for leeching every last bit of emotional stability and happiness from me is unmatched."
Shawn knew, on a visceral level, that laughing at this point would be tantamount to suicide. The bit of his brain in charge of self-preservation crushed the insipid impulse quickly, viciously, and with no mercy. Unfortunately, in its zeal to annihilate the obvious enemy, it completely forgot about the bit of Shawn's brain in charge of snarking at authority. Self-preservation could only scream in despair as it realized its fatal mistake.
"I'm flattered, Cappy. Really, I am... but I'm in a long term relationship and I've never really wanted to experiment with a horse. Except sort of in that one dream I had when I fell asleep watching Moulin Rouge. But, in my defense, that was a centaur and I'm pretty sure that movie gave me an acid-trip."
The Cap'n stared at him for a moment, then spoke, "I only really got the first half of that... but, fortunately, it's all I need to remember for the report on why I had to buck you through a wall."
Like Shawn's sense of self-preservation, the Elements of Harmony could only watch in morbid fascination as the quixotic scene unfolded.
"Buck me throu-... wow... you need to come up with a better pick-up line. That euphemism's a little too forward."
Twilight blinked, looking mortified, "This whole time... Shawn... buck isn't a euphemism for anything. Especially not that!"
"Wait... really?" he paused for a moment, "Actually... AJ's job description makes a lot more sense now."
He interrupted the apple farmer's indignant exclamation with yet another sudden thought, "... what about 'horse-apples'? Does that one not mean ba-"
"No!"
Twilight's frustration was overshadowed in Shawn's mind by the smile of a glaring, pink pegasus currently holding him up with one foreleg, "I'm going to hit you now. A lot."
Shawn braced himself for the inevitable impact as Aegis drew back a hoof.
"Windy Cloudcakes, what in Celestia's name do you think you're doing!?" A melodious voice cried out from behind the Cap'n, who's eyes widened in panic upon hearing it.
Windy...
"Honeydew... I..." Aegis slowly and carefully set Shawn down, "I was just helping this prisoner to his feet."
Cloudcakes...
A petite, white unicorn mare in an expensive-looking dress themed around a melon cutie mark stepped into view around Aegis to look Shawn up and down. Her bright, mint-green eyes widened as she pranced forward and spoke excitedly.
"Oh my! This must be the human everypony was talking about!" She stopped and turned to pout at the Cap'n, "Well?"
Aegis emitted a tortured sigh, "Honeydew, this is Shawn Spencer, an alien criminal. Spencer, this is Honeydew Cloudcakes. My wife."
Windy Cloudcakes... It was far more than anything Shawn could have hoped for.
"Windy, you never told me you were married! And to such a lovely, young lady!" Shawn smiled at the mare, who simpered in return.
He was pretty sure he actually heard the vein pop on Aegis's... no... Windy's forehead. Pinkie Pie's muffled giggling probably wasn't helping.
"Charmed." Honeydew trilled in her sophisticated accent, "I'm sure this has all been a terrible misunderstanding." She turned to Windy, "Right, dear?"
Mr. Cloudcakes, as Shawn would likely mentally refer to him for a while, shuddered and put on the world's most obviously fake smile as he turned to his wife, "Of course, honey."
Shawn chuckled, "Honey. I get it... because it's her name, but also an endearing nickname. Mr. Cloudcakes, you clever pony, you."
Honeydew giggled and waved as Mr. Cloudcakes put a hoof that was shaking with barely restrained violence on Shawn's shoulder, leading him toward the just-arrived carriage hooked up to four armored pegasi.
"It was a pleasure meeting you, darling!" she called out.
"Oh, believe me, Mrs. Cloudcakes... the pleasure was all mine." Shawn called over his shoulder at her, then turned to look at her husband, "I'm going to pay for that later, aren't I?"
"Painfully so."
Shawn digested that for a moment as they all boarded the carriage before speaking again, "'Horse-apples' is totally a euphemism, isn't it?"
"Shut up." Aegis barked at him, then muttered sullenly, "... yes."
Grinning, Shawn leaned back in his seat next to the nervous wreck of an ambassador and relaxed. Soon enough would come the time for serious questions and, hopefully, real answers.