//------------------------------// // Chapter 13: Holy Pocket Plane Comic Batman! // Story: Pessimism and Sarcasm // by Jerec the Ascendant //------------------------------// Pessimism and Sarcasm Chapter 13 Holy Pocket Plane Comic Batman! So it's officially been two weeks since my first big adventure in Equestria - two weeks since Shade adopted me as a sibling. Turns out even though she's the product of a spell she is still classified as a real child, the child of none other than the Princess of Night herself, and now either as a joke or out of some ironic scenario, Luna is my "adoptive parent". Thrilling. Here's hoping all of it is just some elaborate joke. Yet another brony dream I'm living out. It doesn't help that whenever Twilight receives a letter there's usually a second one for me, and it's always signed either Love, Aunt Tia or Love, "Mom". I have a big red mark across my forehead from all the times I’ve smacked my face against the table. In any case, it's Friday night and I'm going on a little gaming binge to help calm my nerves after the most recent letter from "Mom". Since Shade is going to be watching me, I decided to binge on more kid friendly fare. So Pokémon it is. Twilight isn’t joining us tonight because she’s trying to get some sleep for tomorrow. Regarding Spike, he’s been entranced by some comic book all day, so he won’t be in the way. I should probably put the game away though, since I've been invited to help some more with the renovation of the sisters' old castle. I'll probably just end up helping Shade pack up more of her inherited possessions. I finish the battle I'm in and save the game, much to Shade's chagrin. She knows by now what happens when I save in Pokémon and I'm not standing in front of a legendary. “I wanted to see another battle!" Shade whines, looking at me with large pleading eyes. "Sorry, sis, but we’ve got work to do tomorrow. We gotta sleep." "Okay," she concedes, though reluctantly. I plug the 3DS into its charger and settle into my bed, trying to ignore the even more reluctant Spike and Twilight’s desperate pleas. ----- Luna and I sit across from each other in a small grassy clearing in the middle of a forest. Past the trees there isn't anything but black. This one is my favorite of the dreamworlds Luna has brought me to. Since that first night, she’s made it a habit to interrupt my dreams every now and then in order to talk. Tonight, I’m my normal size, which is quite the relief. "... I don't know, I just always get this feeling when I’m walking around town that somepony is following me. Do you know of anypony that might be stalking me or something?" "I do know of one, but I'm going to let you figure out who she is." I groan and drop my face into my hand. "She. Great, am I assuming correctly that she may have...feelings for me?" "Maybe," Luna says before breaking into giggles. "Thank you. You've just been the most help." It seems she’s too busy laughing to hear my sarcasm. She calms down and sighs. “You're too worried about this, Jake. As you know, in Equestria there are all sorts of creatures that are intelligent, and as often happens, they become infatuated with each other, regardless of species. You know this, you've played many games and watched many shows where this kind of thing happens." "Yes, I realize. But they tend to stay in the humanoid range. That's about as far as I'm willing to go." With another quick giggle, she says, “You said tend, so some have gone out of that range." "Very few. Very, very few! Most of those few though are already confirmed womanizers anyway." I'm looking at you, Kirk. Our conversation continues on, but every time I try to pry an answer about who the pony is, she avoids discussing it. “Okay, fine,” I say. “Answer this, then. The whole ‘mom’ thing. That’s a joke, right?” Luna covers her mouth with her hoof to hide her laughter, and suddenly the trees around me start to waver. The darkness closes in, the grass beneath me gives way, and I fall back into consciousness. ----- We split up, the mane six going about their renovations while Shade and I go to her room to collect her toys. We all meet up at lunchtime for a break, though. The problem is that Spike hasn’t come back from wherever he went. We end up looking for him, and fortunately find him rather easily. Unfortunately, we don't get there in time to prevent what happens. "Help!" Spike cries as he’s sucked into the comic book. Twilight charges over and tries to pull him out, only to start getting sucked in herself. Then it all goes the way you'd expect it to. They all follow each other over there to pull out the last one - up until Pinkie Pie, who literally bounces right in. "Don't look at me, I'm not going on another odd adventure," I say, crossing my arms. Shade rolls her eyes and then smiles mischievously. "Fine. Suit yourself." She jumps in after them. "No, Shade! Don't you....darn it!" I run over to the comic book. Why am I doing this? I shut my eyes and take a deep breath. Then, I leap into the portal, shouting, "Geronimo!" I land on cold concrete. "Hey, Jake, is that you?" "Yeah, of course it is." I keep my eyes closed, and lie back on the ground. Normally I don't nap during the day, but I’d rather sleep than go through another Daring Do kind of incident. "You just...kind of don't look like you." "Shade, now is not the time for jokes." "No really, you're all grey and weird looking." I sit up, but keep my eyes closed. "Weird how?" "Well, you're in strange clothing. And you’re bald! And look at how long your fingers and ears are.” "Ha ha, very funny." I stand up and open my eyes to glare at Shade. She’s in draped in a huge bedsheet looking thing, and it ruins my glare. "You should see yourself, though. I mean, it looks like you tried to put on something made for someone about three times your size." She rolls her eyes and gives me a look that makes me afraid to look in a mirror. I start to search for one anyway, curious specifically about her claim regarding my baldness. Suddenly, I hear something clatter against the ground. I look down to see that I’m wearing a black belt, attached to which are the sheaths of two oriental swords somewhere between the length of a dagger and a Wakizashi or short sword. Drawing one of them, I hold it the blade up to see my reflection in it. Then I drop it onto the ground again. "Told you," Shade mutters. I bend down and pick up the sword again, this time paying more attention. I see my hand, the fingers are easily a half longer than they should be, yet handle with even more precision than my normal ones. Grasping the sword's hilt, they wrap around the whole of it and press it against my palm. Looking back at my reflection, it once again confirms what Shade said. "I'm...I'm a Doppelganger." That’s the only thing I can think of - the only thing I resemble. A Dungeons and Dragons doppelganger. Then I look through my equipment, and realize exactly who I am. "You're a what now?" Shade asks, her face twisting up. "A doppelganger: a creature that can change shape and size at will to disguise itself as other intelligent beings, humanoid anyway - between four and eight feet tall. With about 90% accuracy, basically not much is off besides personality and knowledge." "So you're the human version of a changeling?" Twilight suddenly appears. I look at her and can't hold in my laughter. "What on earth are you supposed to be?" Twilight scowls at me. "I don't know. I don't read Spike's comics." "Is this... Maretropolis?" Spike finally rises from his own unconsciousness. "Somepony wanna tell me what the hay is goin' on?" Good question. "Holy new personas, ponies! You're the... Masked Matter-Horn! Fili-Second! Zapp! R-Radiance! Mistress Mare-velous! Saddle Rager! You're the... Power Ponies!" At that my forehead meets my palm, again. "So who am I?!" Shade can't contain her excitement. Spike stands for a moment looking at Shade trying to think of who she could possibly be, but there’s a little problem. In the end, he just laughs. "I can't tell! Your costume is too big. Oh I know-" Spike is ready to throw out some insulting joke name for her, when she suddenly grows to her adult size, perfectly filling the costume. The group’s jaws drop. "Can you tell now?” she asks, her voice booming. “Oh, tell me! Who am I, who am I, who am I?!" It never fails to amuse me to hear what looks and sounds like a full grown adult speak with the voice of a child. Spike's composure returns after a moment. "Whoa, you're Misstery. She tends to either help the Power Ponies or harm them. She's got power over shadows and ca-" "Power over shadows? But I already have that! This comic book is stupid." Shade pouts as I burst into laughter. That's when we hear a bunch of odd sounds, then out of one of the buildings in the city below burst forth one of the most hilariously stupid looking things I've ever seen. I may have been laughing before, but this thing is too much. It has hair flailing everywhere, this strange jumpsuit, completely overused insanity role. I can't even stand anymore I’m laughing so hard. Then comes the voice. After hearing it the first time, there is no way I can take it seriously. "Power Ponies! How kind of you to join us!" Okay, Jake, okay. Try to pull yourself together. "Did she just call us... Power Ponies?" Well, yeah. Spike called you that about ten seconds ago. "You're the superheroes from my comic book! It somehow zapped us all in here!" "So somepony zap us back out!" Great idea. "My comic book! It said the way to get back to where we started was to defeat the Mane-iac! Your arch-nemesis!" "Time for the mane event!" One bad pun and the situation becomes too stupid to even consider funny. I stand up just in time to see Pinkie Pie running off screaming with delight. That gives me an idea. I may as well try out my new powers. "She could be miles away from here by now! Pinkie is Fili-Second, the fastest pony in all of Maretropolis!" I gaze at the roof of a different building. Maybe if I focus, I can use this character's Psionic ability to dimension door to escape to somewhere quiet. "Twilight! Freeze her mane!" "Do what?" "You're the Masked Matter-Horn! You can shoot all kinds of crazy power beams from your horn!" "You know, I'm beginning to enjoy this." You ponies are not helping my focus. "Dash! Quick! You're Zapp, and your superpower is controlling the mighty forces of nature! Unholster the lightning bolt!" A great tornado forms and begins to suck up the ponies one by one. I quickly grab hold of Shade and finally use dimension door. A circle of energy appears around us for a moment and then quickly contracts. For a moment we see nothing, and then the circle of energy appears again and expands, dropping me and Shade onto another rooftop. "Hey, I did it. Sweet." "You did what?" "Something called a dimension door. It's from a game I play every so often.” She cocks her head to the side. “Basically teleportation," I explain. "Well, we need to get back and help the others." "Actually, I think we should practice with our newfound pow-” She looks at me with a growl. “Okay, I should practice with my newfound powers. I'll be more useful if I know how to do things." "Well we should at least figure out where they-" I point my thumb at the tornado. "Oh." "We'll head back to them as soon as the tornado is gone. In the meantime, I'm going to practice." I didn't end up having too long, but I did get much better. My new mental abilities helped me to focus and speed up the learning process. A scary thought kept going through my mind as I practiced, though. The spirit or something of this character might now be attached to me, and it may just decide to take over at some point. This character may have been a "good" guy, but considering what game it was made for, it wouldn't hold back if it came to combat, and it is deadly. My full arsenal of weapons included two oriental daggers, a an oriental whip with two sharp hooks at the end, a hand scythe with a hidden ball and chain, a repeating crossbow, several shuriken, smoke and explosive egg-shell grenades, and finally toxic darts. Besides the more obvious dangers there's also the Doppelganger's ability to shape change almost perfectly and with my knowledge of gaming, comics, movies, and other fictional characters, if this guy took over, it could become anyone humanoid from any of those along with their equipment. I don’t think that needs any explanation on how that could go. The other not quite so obvious dangers include the Psionic abilities. For example: invisibility, telekinesis, Dimension Door, and Levitation, along with knowing all mental attack and defense forms, a particular danger being the Mind Blast. I also found myself with AD&D style magic; Doppelganger speed, dexterity, and extra strength; and finally martial form and ki abilities, such as ninjutsu, walking through walls, and stealth like none other. Shade didn’t need to practice. She just lied down on the cold roof and watched me, bored. "Hey, the tornado is gone. We'd better get back there." "Alright Shade. Let’s go." This time it only takes a quick moment of focus to use dimension door and we’re back. The main six aren't too thrilled about our sudden departure during a time when our help was a little more necessary than I'd thought. "Where in tarnation did y'all go? We could have used y'all’s help." AJ glares at me, but I just roll my eyes. “I left to practice these new powers. How successful were you with yours?" She backs off rather quickly at that, looking at her shuffling hooves. "I thought so." "Well, we aren't getting out of here any sooner if we just stand here arguing. Spike, where is the Mane-iac building her doomsday device?" "Her top-secret headquarters! But you'd better get there quick. That glowing orb she just stole is what she's going to use to power it up!" So off we go, through the dark streets of Maretropolis. "There it is!" Spike shouts, pointing to a giant building. "Is that a... shampoo factory?" "All right, Power Ponies, here's the plan. Rarity, you, me and—" Three, two, one, cue Leroy Jenkins moment. "Come on out, Mane-iac! Or the Power Ponies are comin' in!" Rainbow uses her new ability to summon a lightning bolt that takes out the neon sign of the factory. "So much for ‘element of surprise’." “Should we go in with them, big brother?” Shade whispers to me. She yawns, clearly uninterested in putting her power to use. I slip into the shadows next to her and shake my head. Time to scope out the enemy. "Oh, I don't think she's home,” Fluttershy says. “Maybe we should just come back later." Evil laughter can be heard through the hideout's intercom. "She's home." A door opens to reveal the henchponies, who all just stand there like idiots. The “Power Ponies” did some horrible fight pose thing as well. I can't believe this. "Time to Power Pony up!" "Ooh! Nice catch phrase!" I think my nose is bleeding. So this is what Abridged Vegeta was talking about when he said an aneurism from sheer stupidity. "Freeze ray!" Then Twilight threw a snowball into one of the henchy’s face, which surprised him, but nothing much else. There's our prodigy, ladies and gentlemen. "It's an improvement, darling." Really? Pinkie starts running around and tapping one of the henchies. Then she hits him in the face with a cake. Rarity sews up one of the henchies, then deflects a falling sign with effortless ease. And Twilight - the element of magic - can’t get a hang of her powers? I guess I shouldn’t be criticizing, though, since I'm hanging back. One of the henchies charges at Fluttershy, and I feel my heartbeat speed up. I draw a shuriken and am about to throw it, but Rainbow gets there first. Shade decides to have some fun, and steps out of the shadows to reveal herself. Two henchponies run after her then, and just as they approach, she rolls her eyes and steps back into the shadow, losing form. The two crash into the wall and fall back onto the floor, where I tie them up. She tries to hide it, but I can hear Shade giggling. "Nice work, Power Ponies! Now let's take care of the Mane-iac and get ourselves home!" "I don't think so! I have a city to destroy, and I'm not about to let the Power Ponies stop me! Not this time!" Cliché villain is cliché. "Just watch us!" Rainbow charges at the Mane-iac, as usual without a thought. The Mane-iac calmly presses a button that activates an apparent Hairspray Ray of Doom. I feel another aneurism coming on as Dash falls to the ground, stiff as a board. In no time, everypony has been frozen by the ray, except myself, Spike, and Fluttershy. Having escaped to an upper level of the factory, I shake my head disappointedly at Shade, far below me. I watch Spike talking to Fluttershy, probably trying to convince her to use her powers. But the Mane-iac interrupts by freezing Fluttershy. Hey. That right there, that was uncalled for. The Mane-iac says something to Spike before rushing off with the Mane Six plus Shade in tow. Soon after, Spike takes off after her only to get his foot caught in a bucket. Well, guess it's my time to shine. Using dimension door again, I position myself outside one of the windows looking in at the room, taking in the positions and planning out my strategy. Then I see Spike enter through an air vent. I shake my head at the little guy, but figure that he'll make things a bit easier. Moving into position, I phase through the ceiling just above one of the upper walkways. I silently make my way over to one of the henchies and hit the necessary pressure points to knock him unconscious. Who'd have thought that massage gig would actually be of some help? I watch as Spike sets off a trap he set up, capturing some henchies and then freezing a few more. Not wanting to be upstaged, I jump in front of a few henchies, and they start to charge me, which I use to my advantage, pulling out one of my Ninja-to and immediately slicing through each one’s hair. They all start screaming and run off. I turn as a few more started attacking, and I throw two eggshell grenades, and the explosion flings them through the air, knocking them out. I vault over one henchy and grab one of his rear legs, swinging him into one of the other henchies that charged my way. Another I trip with a swift kick, then I get his buddy with two quick jabs that have him paralyzed from the neck down. I turn just in time to see another jump at me, but I throw him back with Psionics. All of a sudden, though, a portal opens up and sucks us all in. And I was just getting started! Back in Ponyville, Shade isn’t as impressed by my fighting as I expected her to be. "You didn't have to abandon us like that!" She glared at me from her position on my shoulders. "Hey, it's strategy. I needed to know exactly what I was up against!" "You still should've helped. We could've gotten out sooner!" "Okay, I'm sorry. I should've helped out earlier, you’re right- whoa, hey!" I nearly trip over Twilight, who suddenly stops in front of me as we come up the street to her Library. "A warning would have been nice!" Twilight looks at me with panic on her face. "Oh no, they didn't tell me they'd be coming! I wish I would have known, I'd have cleaned up the library!" "Who's they?" "Princess Celestia and Princess Luna!" Sure enough, their chariots are parked outside the library and a small contingent of the royal guard can be seen standing outside the door. "What could they be here for?"