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// Ad-dress-ing Issues 
// Story: An Unexpected Kinship 
// by Fathead 
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	 I woke up the next morning to the sound of a can opener of all things, I was quite excited to hear it as my stomach rumbled and my thoughts turned to what was in the can, I was really hoping for some ham.  I immediately jumped up from my bed and hurried over to the front of the cage to see Luna with an open can and my food bowl floating in front of her.
“Well good morning Red Beard.  I thought this might get you up off your lazy butt, so is my little human hungry?”  She said cooing at me.  I was drooling at the mere sight of the food, the smell was wafting over and the first thing that came to mind was chicken and rice.  “No ham but a great smelling substitute.”  I thought.  “I’ll take the slobber as a resounding yes to that question.  Well ask and ye shall receive little guy.”  She focused on the bowl and in a bright flash it disappeared, I began to whimper and whine as I thought that the food had simply vanished.  I looked around frantically for it and began to get a bit frustrated when it wasn’t in sight.  “Oh calm down Red Beard,” Luna said, “it’s right here.”  I had no clue as to where ‘here’ was and was getting even more aggravated, Luna let out a disappointed sigh as she shook something in my cage.  I finally looked up to where the sound was coming from and saw the food bowl shaking, I felt stupid almost instantly.  I began to climb the cage to get to food trying to act like I had known that it was there the whole time, Luna was giggling at my monkey act.  “Once you’re finished with your food Red Beard I have some big plans for today.”  This had me a little worried.  I began to wonder what these big plans were and worried that this mean a trip to for shots or worse, a neutering.  My mind dwelled on these scenarios for about thirty seconds and then I remembered that I was hungry and there was food just a few inches in front of me, I began to eat as Luna unveiled her big plans for the day.



“So I have made the executive decision that you require more to wear than just the rag you were presented in.  So I think we should go for a royal shopping trip into Canterlot proper and see if we get you an outfit.  I fear that the smell coming off of that piece of cloth will attach to you permanently if you continue to wear it.”  I stopped eating for a moment when I realized that she wanted to take me clothes shopping.  I thought back to my first girlfriend I had in high school and how I contemplated suicide when ever she dragged me to the mall to go shopping.  I contemplated feigning sick to avoid this fate but Luna had a good point, this rag I was wearing did stink and I was in dire need of something fresh.  I finished my food as the dark blue mare began to pack a bag with what I only assumed was supplies to keep me fed and happy while we were out.  She went over her mental checklist out loud while checking the bag one last time, “Let’s see, snacks, check.  Snacks for me,” she said chuckling a little, “check.  Tweezers for tick removal, check.  Bags for his," she shuddered a bit, "leavings, check.  Well all seems to be in order, now to get you on your leash and head into town." 



I  had climbed down from my eating perch and was begging to drink from the water bottle hanging on the inside of the cage when another bright flash of light got me to jump back.  I was startled and a bit confused as to what had just happened until I looked down and saw that familiar black vest on my person, the same one she had put on me at the party.  The door to the cage opened up and Luna stuck her head in and began to call for me.  
“Come now Red Beard, we have a lot to do and the sooner we get to it the better.”  But I wasn’t completely comfortable with leaving the cage yet.  I was still a little groggy and went back to my bed to try and lay down, perhaps to delay the trip and avoid any public humiliation that might ensue, but Luna wasn’t having it.  “Oh no you don’t Red, you’re coming out now.  Don’t make me pull you out of there.”  She began to threaten.  I looked up and saw her horn glowing and from the look on her face I could tell that she meant business, I decided it was a better option just to walk out on my own.  “That’s better, now we’ll try some basic commands so hopefully we won’t make a fool of ourselves in public.”  She said nudging me lightly.  I was already unhappy with the whole being led around aspect but it sounded like she wanted me to start doing tricks.  A bag of treats floated over to her, she removed one and then turned her attention on me.  
 “Now sit Red Beard,”  she said sternly but I wasn’t moving.  “Come on Red, sit and get a treat.”  I continued to glare at her, this felt so insulting.  I was a grown, intelligent and rational man being told to obey a dog’s sit command for a treat.  “I guess you don’t quite understand.  Very well, I suppose a demonstration is in order.”  I smirked as I thought of her showing me how to do it and then pretending to eat a pet treat, boy was I wrong.  She focused on me, lifting me up and positioning my lower legs under my upper legs in a kneeling pose.  Then she slowly put me back down and pushed me down until my butt was on my heels.  “That is sit Red Beard, understand?” After several more attempts to get me to obey I decided to go along with being told to sit, as well as heel and stay.  Luna promptly tugged on my leash and we headed for the door, my field trip into town had officially begun.  
        As we left her room and walked towards the main entrance I began to make note of what turns we made and my surroundings, planning my escape was still my top priority.  We passed a banquet hall that was being decked out, by the looks of it they were planning to throw some epic shindig.  While heading for the exit I saw Luna getting rather cautious about the guards walking the halls, she seemed to avoid them at all costs and would motion me to hurry at points to avoid being spotted and would stop when they were getting close, it felt like a stealth game and I was getting rather into it.  We had the main exit in our sights and it looked completely unguarded to my surprise.
        “Perfect.”  Luna quietly uttered with a smile.  “The shift change has just occurred and we have a whole thirty seconds to get out that door without attracting any attention.”  Now I realized why she was dodging the guards this whole time, being royalty meant being watched every moment of every day and she must be tired of it.  Sneaking out meant no escort from the guards and more freedom, even though she could probably just tell them off if they tried to stop her.  With the door just a few feet in front of us the smile on her face grew larger.  Her horn began to glow as did the door and just as I thought the game of cat and mouse had helped her evade every guard in the place a deep male voice spoke to our left.
        “Good morning Princess Luna.  Do you require an escort into town?”  She stopped dead in her tracks and I nearly fell backwards as the lead went taught.  She was standing on my left blocking my view of the stallion addressing her.
        “I don’t think that will be necessary sir, and besides I would hate to bore you on a shopping trip for my little human here.”  She said in a humdrum tone trying to dissuade him from following her.  She stepped backward to reveal me, this got the guard to change his tone in a hurry.
        “Well,” he said hesitantly, “as per protocol, when any member of the royal family leaves the castle grounds an escort is required.  Please wait here and I will assign an available guard to accompany you into town.”  The guard said before turning tail and nearly galloping away from us.  So there we waited as guard after guard trotted out, saw me and then made up some lame excuse as to why they couldn’t be the one to escort Luna on her shopping venture.  There must have been eight or ten guards that passed up the task, their fear was obvious.  I was a dangerous animal and they didn’t want to get mauled or eaten while walking around town, this really got me down, to be feared by almost every inhabitant in the castle.  
After what seemed like an eternity of waiting I heard what sounded like shoes being dragged across the marble floor and gruff voices giving someone a tongue lashing.
        “Quit whining newbie.  You’re the only guard here without an assignment and this task comes right from Princess Luna herself.”  I looked up and saw a familiar face, it was the pink maned unicorn that was standing by the cage I woke up in the previous day.  He was visibly shaken, sweating and trying his hardest not to run from the assignment standing in front of him.  
        “G-g-greetings Princess Luna.”  He said still trying to stay composed.  “I understand,” he swallowed hard as he made eye contact with me, “that you are in need of an escort into town, is that correct?”  I could see in his eyes he was hoping for a ‘no’ to his question and be allowed to leave.  
        “Well I suppose.  We do have to follow protocol after all, and if my sister saw me without a chaperone then there would be several guards standing at the unemployment office.”  Luna replied, sounding almost sorry for the stallion who was obviously forced into this predicament.  “So yes True North, I do require a guard escort.  Do you accept the task?”  She was looking at him as if to say ‘I won’t be mad if you say no’ but to her surprise he simply nodded, donned his helmet and slowly approached us.  “He doesn’t bite, does he?”  
        “Not sure yet,” Luna replied gazing off into the distance, “I’ve only had him for a day so I guess time will tell.”  True North’s jaw dropped opened.  “I’m joking!  He is quite tame so your safety should not be in jeopardy.”  She quickly reassured him as we left the castle and headed for the city.
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The chariot ride in was quite short and seemed pretty unnecessary, the guards had to triple check the ride and then there was all the pomp of her leaving for the city and arriving, we could have walked and gotten there in less time.  Luna didn’t seem to notice any of this, I guess she was just so used to it by now that it was all just white noise she could tune out.  
“Thank you sirs.”  She said as the guards bowed to her.  “You may be here for quite some time so-”  One of the guards raised his hoof and interrupted her.
“There is no need to apologize Your Highness, we are no strangers to long waits.  So take all the time you need and rest assured that we will be here with the chariot upon your return.”  Luna looked surprised, or more so confused by the guard’s statement.  I didn’t understand why, it was straight forward and loyal.  Why wasn’t she pleased about her guards patiently waiting for her to return?
“That isn’t what I was going to tell you,” she replied hesitantly, the guard’s face fell.  He thought he was in deep trouble by interrupting Luna, second guessing her and unintentionally insulting her.  I was waiting for the lashings to be doled out, but we were both shocked as she continued her sentence, “although I do appreciate the gesture of loyalty.  I was going to tell you that you can relax and even do a little shopping of your own if you feel so inclined.”  The guard breathed a sigh of relief.
“Well thank you Princess Luna but your sister would have our heads if we left our our posts.”  The other guard said like he was scared of the unemployment line.
“Very well then,”  Luna replied, “have it your way.  I will return in a few hours.”  She tugged on the lead and I followed.



The city was really impressive to me.  Guess I thought that horses could never build a sprawling metropolis like Boston let alone maintain it.  Everything looked freshly painted, there didn’t appear to be scaffolding left on the buildings, even the street we were walking on was in great shape.  There didn’t appear to be a single thing that wasn’t taken care of and there were no half hearted jobs on display to shame the architects.  All in all it looked too perfect to be a real city and the inhabitants weren’t making it any more believeable.  Every single one of them appeared prosperous and happy as they went about their lives, but then they began to notice me and Luna.  They looked conflicted, not sure whether to bow out of respect for their princess or recoil in fear from the sight of me as we walked through the city streets.  The young ones were pulled back by their parents, what I assumed was the local law enforcement looked apprehensive and the dirty looks they shot at me were unnerving.  I did my best to avoid eye contact with them and keep my cool, slowly inching closer to Luna in the hopes that this would keep them from harassing me.  
“Not so close Red Beard,” Luna said to me, “you’re getting under hoof.  You don’t want me to step on your feet now do you?”  Still glancing at the horses staring at me I pulled back a bit from the dark blue mare as we made our way to what I assumed was our destination.  



The building we were coming up on was ornately decorated, with every last inch covered by paintings of dresses and suits, the window displays were filled with horse mannequins wearing elaborate outfits clearly meant for events that were far above the status of formal.  
“Here we are.  The finest dressmaker and tailor in the city, Hoity Toity.”  She said with a smile on her face.  We walked in and I was instantly taken back by the size of the interior of the shop.  It was comparable to a small department store, mannequins lined either side with clothing racks front to back filled with every kind of outfit for almost any occasion.  As we approached the desk, Luna stayed in front of me blocking my view.  She rang a small bell and in no time at all a stuffy, almost snobby voice replied in a huff.
“I’m coming!  Keep your horseshoes on.”  The sound of hoof beats stamping echoed throughout the shop accompanied by a voice angrily muttering to himself.  As the stomping got louder the muttering became clearer.  “All I want is to finish this outfit and nopony will give me a moment’s pea-,” the voice cut off but with Luna standing in the way the origin of the voice was a mystery to me.  “Princess Luna!  What an honor for you to visit my shop.  I must apologize, I’ve been under a tight deadline and haven’t had a chance to clean up my boutique.  What has brought you here today?  Some alterations for a dress of yours?  Perhaps a whole new outfit?”  The man’s voice sounded absolutely elated that she had stopped by.
“Not exactly.  I was given a new and exotic pet for my birthday and-” the male voice interrupted her. 
“Oh my!  I am sorry I couldn’t make it to the celebration yesterday, well happy belated birthday Your Highness.”  He sounded thoroughly disappointed, almost crushed that he had missed her party, almost.
“Well thank you Hoity Toity,” Luna replied, “but as I was saying I am here to get an outfit for my new and exotic pet.  I was hoping that you could fit this in between orders, is that possible?”
“Of course it’s possible Princess.  Anything for a member of the royal family of Canterlot.”  He said confidently.  “Now where is this pet of yours?  I will need a few measurements.”
Luna stepped aside and I finally got to see who she was talking to.  It was a light gray stallion with a white mane and tail that looked like he spent hours each morning working on.  He had what looked like a paper fan on his flank.  I made eye contact with him and his jaw dropped open as he began to tremble and sweat.



“What in the name of all things sacred is that thing doing out of a cage?!  A human is supposed to be in two places; a cage or stuffed and on display!  Is this some kind of joke Princess?”  Yet another horse that hated the very sight of me.  I was getting tired of this and began to growl.  “He’s growling, he’s going to attack me.  Oh god, I’m going to mauled to death in my own shop by this horrible, ugly-”
“Hoity Toity!  Watch your tone!”  Luna shouted.  “He simply doesn’t like how you are speaking.  He thinks you mean to challenge him.  Now to have a human as a pet is quite out of the ordinary but that doesn’t mean that you should abandon your senses at the very sight of-”
“Abandon my senses?”  The other horse intervened.  “It seems to me that the thousand year coma your were in has made you lose yours.  You’ve clearly lost your mind!  having this beast as a pet will be your downfall, think of what the other kingdoms will say about you.”  That hit Luna hard.  She put her foreleg around my shoulder and pulled me close to her.  
“How dare you!  To refuse my request is one thing but to insult my cognitive faculties and assume you know what occurred that night!”  I looked up and saw her fighting back tears.  “If I could I would have you locked up for the rest of your natural life!  I will take my business elsewhere, permanently.”  She gave him what can only be described as a ‘thousand yard’ stare.  “And for your information my Red Beard is unlike any other human.  He’s tame, sweet and I wouldn’t trade him for anything in all of Equestria.”  Without missing a beat she turned me around and pushed me towards the door as we made our exit.  In that moment all thoughts of escaping this situation left my mind.  This mare had made it clear that I was more that just a pet and my life here became far more bearable, well compared to what I had experienced so far in this world.
“Well good luck finding somepony to take your absurd order Princess.  There isn’t a single tailor or dressmaker in this whole city that will help you!”  Hoity Toity shouted in a confident tone as the door closed behind us.
“Is everything alright Your Highness?”  True North asked in a near panicked state as we made our way back outside.  “I heard shouting and something about an insult.”  Luna took a deep breath to calm herself before answering.
“Everything is fine sir.  Nothing more than poor manners from a shopkeeper that I am no longer going to associate with.  We will simply try another shop and prove that stallion wrong, there must be somepony who will take this order.”  But tried as we might every shop gave similar reactions ranging from full blown freakouts to passive aggressive insults to lame excuses as to why the order could be filled there and they all demanded that I be either locked up or put down.  



After what seemed like hours of trying, Luna brought me to the park at the center of the city for lunch.  She sat on the bench and tied my lead to it looking downtrodden by the shopping experience so far.
“Oh what am I going to do Red Beard?  Hoity Toity was right, there isn’t a single shop that will help me.”  She looked at me like she was at the end of her rope.  “I don’t suppose you have any ideas.”  She said petting my head as she opened up her saddlebag and unwrapped the lunches she had prepared; one hand crafted, gourmet sandwich for her and a simple can of food for me.  She continued to fret over the clothing situation as we ate.  “There must be somepony who will help me.  Somepony with a great sense of style and who isn’t so judgemental,”  She said deep in thought, “and who won’t insult me or you.”  We sat and ate as Luna weighed her options.  “Maybe I could get one from Manehatten, but I would have to still get the measurements to them,” she let out a sigh, “and then the order might takes weeks to ship.  Oh Red, I wish there was somepony, anypony, who will fill this order without complaining.  Somepony who is kind, intelligent, generous-” her eyes became as wide as dinner plates, she packed up the rest of her sandwich and took my now empty food bowl as well.  “Come now Red Beard, I know exactly where to get you an outfit!”  
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After yet another short and still seemingly pointless ride we returned to the castle entrance, but I was still in the dark as to why.  We had tried every shop in the city and I couldn’t imagine that after the reception we got anyone would care to help her.  When we entered the guards were in full armor and seemed to be on high alert, silently standing at their posts and for once not acknowledging me.  We made our way past the guards and further down the halls but still no hints from Luna as to why we came back or where she was planning to take me next.  After a bit of a hike through the long and winding corridors we came to an intersection, not like the other fifteen or twenty that we have walked through before.  The archways were plated in gold encrusted with jewels, there were giant stained glass windows with elegant designs of horses and all of this opulent architecture was pointing towards a giant set of stairs with golden doors at the top.  
“Now don’t you worry Red I’ll be right back after I have procured a ride for us.”  She said to me.  As she began to walk away I decided to wander around a bit, I took four steps and was brought to a halt by the vest.  I pulled against it a few times thinking the leash had snagged on something, boy was I right.  I turned around to see the source of the snag and the lead had been fused into the wall behind me.  I stared at it dumbfounded as I walked over to get a closer look hoping to figure this out.  I grabbed the leash and gave it a tug, this thing was in there good and it wasn’t going to budge unless you had a team of horses.  After a minute or so of fooling around with the whole fused lead and failing to figure out how it got into the wall I heard a couple of the guards chuckling at me from across the hall.
“Hey look.  It can’t figure out why the leash is stuck in the wall.”  One guard mused pointing at me while the other continued to laugh.  Their laughter was immediately cut short by muffled shouts.  The voices became clearer as the huge golden doors at the top of the stairs they were posted at swung open.  




“This is absolutely unacceptable!” A male voice bellowed.  “How in the world can you say no to my requests?!” The source of the one sided argument could now be seen plain as day.  Princess Celestia walked out with a large Elk hot on her heels.  It may have been the distance but looked almost as tall as the Princess and looked quite angry with her, brow furrowed as if he was ready to bite someone’s head off, literally.  Celestia took a deep breath as they descended the stairs waiting for another barrage of his verbal battering ram that could loosely be call a voice.  “Well?!”  He said looking for a response.
“I am sorry Lord Rackton,” she replied feining pity, “but I have given your kingdom as much as one can without running my own resources dry in the process.”  This really got the elk riled up.  “If I continued to send aid then I would be in a similar predicament, the rescuer would need to be saved.”  She calmly explained trying to hide her contempt for his attitude, but this Elk was determined to get what he wanted.
“Our food shortage has crippled our economy and that is only the beginning.  The dragons have moved in and the terrorize us nightly, they destroy our homes, destroy our farms and you are simply going to stand there and let this happen?”  He was gritting his teeth at this point, seeming more annoyed than concerned that she wouldn’t help him.  “So Princess Celestia I ask you; what are you going to do about it?”  He inquired as they reached the bottom step.  “Well?!”  He said demandingly.  I watched Celestia grow more and more agitated from listening to this guy poking and prodding looking for a response, and she delivered it.  
“I sir,” she said stomping her hoof, coming to an abrupt stop, “am not required to do anything about it.  The exotic animal trainers I sent six months ago should have been more than enough to dislodge the dragons from your populated areas.”  She said, slowly turning around giving him a ‘thousand yard’ stare, must run in the family.  “And if you had followed the crop rotation plan our agricultural  team had set for you a year ago then your food shortage would not be an issue today.  All of these services, and more,” she said, her voice rising in pitch ever so slightly, “have been provided to your kingdom free of charge.”  The Elk took a step back, rolling his eyes.
“That is beside the point Princess.  What is important here is-” Celestia stamped her hoof cutting him off.
“That is the point!”  She bellowed, the hall nearly shook along with the guards.  “We have done everything to help you help your kingdom and yet there has been no change.  You are at fault here and you alone are responsible for you kingdom’s welfare, not me.”  She said with another stomp of her hoof.  Rackton took one more step back, glaring angrily at Celestia.
“Very well then,” he said through his teeth, “but I warn you Celestia, this moment will not soon be forgotten.”  He turned toward the exit and was about ready to leave, but before he made his way out he turned his head back to the princess.  “This Insult will have consequences.”  He warned, what a charmer.  The sound of closing doors was soon followed by a sigh of relief from Celestia. 
“Every time.”  She said sounding exhausted.  “Every single time.  I swear he’s just using us to further his own excessive, opulent lifestyle.”  She lowered her head and made her way back to the stairs.  As the guards filed out of the hall I could hear trotting echoing off the walls and turned to see Luna looking excited as ever to see me.
“I have arranged a ride for us Red Beard.”  Her voice trailed off as she looked toward her sister.  “Whatever is the matter Celestia?”
“Lord Rackton, that is all I need to say.”  She said closing her eyes and slowly shaking her head.  “He was much worse this time.”  Luna looked like she was on the verge of crying at her sister’s woeful response.  “Oh but don’t worry Luna.  I’m sure this was just another one of his pompous, chest puffing trips to try and show that he wants to be taken seriously.  I’ll just file it away as a bad attitude, now go on.  Word is that you’re taking Red Beard shopping for some clothes.”  This changed Luna’s demeanor instantly.
“Why yes I am.  We had no luck in Canterlot proper so I’m taking him to Ponyville to try again.  Maybe Rarity can help, she does owe me a favor and I suppose this is as good a time as any to take her up on it.”  She said smiling at me.  This place was getting weirder by the second as the horse and pony puns stacked up.  I was lost in thought for a moment about the town names until I felt a tug and was snapped back to reality.  




We walked down another seemingly endless hall, passed by more rooms and doors than I could keep track of and turned more corners than driving through Manhattan.  After the long and winding hike our destination came into view, more proof to me that this place had everything, it was a mini runway.  A stone platform that looked like the size of a football field was littered with gold plated chariots, painted lines to direct traffic and even two unicorns who looked like they were guiding incoming pegasi for a landing.  We made our way over to a booth on the right with a pegasus sitting in it going over a clipboard with a stack of papers two feet high next to him.
“Good afternoon Lieutenant.  I am ready for departure.”  Luna said excitedly.  Without missing a beat the Lieutenant walked over to a large bell, turned around and kicked it with his hind legs.  Seconds later two more pegasi trotted up with a elegantly covered chariot, silk drapes for privacy and jewels lining the sides.  They opened up the back for her and a small set of stairs, only three steps, unfolded for her to climb in.  Once we were in she secured my lead to the floor and knocked on the floor.  “Now sirs,” she said with a smile, “onward to Ponyville!”  The pegasi took off like a shot and I had trouble keeping my balance from the momentum, but soon enough we were in the air and on our way.