The cell door opened, and in hurtled Luna with a bounce, grunt, and abnormally large bruise on her forehead when her noggin collided with the wall. Immediately the shackles attached to the wall’s surface snapped onto her hooves, preventing her from escaping or fighting back.
“Oh hey, Luna’s in the house!” Deadpool cheered. “A prison cell party ain’t a prison cell party ‘til Luna gets in the—”
“Deadpool, shut up!” Twilight said, the urge to slap her hoof across her face in a physical visualization of disappointment and irritation growing by the second.
Deadpool kicked his feet against the wall, his head drooping down low. “Aww, but there’s nothing else to do in here! It’s like watching through a commercial break during a movie marathon, except we’re the commercial!”
“Mistress Luna, what are you doing here in this insufferable place?” Solaire asked.
The Valeyard laughed from the other side of the bars, right in tune with the typical villain cue. “That would be my doing. She was another unwanted variable that could have ruined my plan. But now she is a prisoner, along with the rest of you. And she, like the rest, shall be used so that I can achieve my ultimate goal!”
“Immortality!” Deadpool said, holding a finger up. “It’s to acquire immortality, isn’t it?”
The Valeyard’s triumphant grin fell, replaced with an annoyed frown instead. “No, that’d be a mute point, since I am already immortal.”
Deadpool snapped his fingers, most of which were still broken. “Then it’s to achieve mastery over traveling across space and time, isn’t it?”
“No, I already have th—”
“No, no, wait, I got it!” Deadpool said. “You want a pony!”
Growling under his breath, the Valeyard turned away from the group and trudged off into the darkness, leaving the trio alone with the princess newcomer.
Twilight, who was nearest to Luna, nudged her with her hoof. “Princess Luna. Are you alright? Can you hear us?”
Luna grumbled, her eyes fluttering opened and closed a few times. Her large lump atop her head was practically pulsating.
“Mistress Luna,” Solaire said, an edge of worry in his voice, “please, answer us. A cranial injury can lead to nasty side effects if left unchecked.”
Again Luna’s eyes fluttered, and more incoherent babbling could be heard in a faint whisper from her lips.
“Yo, Luna, is it alright if I borrow your toaster and curling iron again?” Deadpool asked.
Luna’s eyes snapped open and she screamed at the top of her lungs, “NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!” She blinked several times, swinging her head left and right to scan her surroundings, only to wince and regret it immediately when her head started pounding like Celestia smacking and snacking down on some poundcakes. “Ouch, my freaking head! What happened?”
“You tell us, moonpiebutt.” Deadpool glanced at the shocked faces all staring at him—well, for Solaire, Deadpool could only guess he was shocked since that damned helmet of his hid everything—and shrugged. “What? It’s my pet name for her. Like how she calls me poolie-wooliekens.”
“I have never called you that!”
“Great, your memory isn’t shot then!” Twilight said. “Quick, tell us anything else you can recall!”
Luna cringed, gritting her teeth. “Ugh. It’s all coming back in a blur. Like… like I can’t really collect the memories together. My head’s been scrambled like a puzzle.”
“Oh, don’t tell me it’s one of polar bear puzzles you have to do.” Deadpool sighed, shaking his head. “Those take forever to complete! You know how hard it is to put together a puzzle when all the pieces are white? Do you?!”
“That sounds similar to how we ended up in this insufferable place with even more insufferable inhabitants,” Solaire said. “Do you have an recollection at all of the events prior to your kidnapping?”
“Well… I was curious as to why my sister’s dates with the Doctor kept on failing. I mean, her screwing up a date isn’t exactly a rare occasion, but so many with who is essentially the same guy deep down? It didn’t sit well.” Luna frowned, the gears in her mind now freshly oiled. “In fact, I started growing suspicious after she mentioned her date with the Sixth Doctor. However, she never mentioned going on a date with the Seventh Doctor, instead telling me she was immediately heading out with the Eighth. I decided to follow them, and sneaked aboard the TARDIS, only telling Twilight what I did. I didn’t think my sister spotted me, however, I think the Doctor may have noticed me. Why he didn’t confront me about it, I’ll never know.”
“Then how did you end up here?” Twilight asked.
Luna nodded slowly, wetting her dry lips. “Well… that’s the interesting part. I don’t know. All I remember was that someone opened the TARDIS doors. I glanced up from my hiding place. Then… nothing.”
“Then it’s a good thing Detective Deadpool is on the case!” Deadpool decreed, his strange detective brand hat back on his head.
Luna arched a brow. “Where did you get that hat?”
“Better question is… how did you free yourself?” Twilight asked, finally noticing Deadpool’s feet were touching the floor.
Deadpool turned to her, revealing the broken bone and torn muscle of his dismembered arm, the rest a bloody stump on his shoulder while the limb remained chained to the wall.
“Oh, easy. Since I couldn’t slip my fingers through the shackles, I cut the middleman and just tore off my arm. Easier to do than you’d think.”
“That was… disturbing. Even for me,” Solaire said, queasiness clear in his voice.
“Then prepare to be disturbed by the disturbing sight of disturbance some more, Sunny-boy,” Deadpool said, faint cracks sounding from his other shoulder. “Because I still have another one of these bad boys to rip off before I’m truly freed.”
“Just how do you plan to help us break out when you don’t even have any arms?” Luna asked. She and Twilight quickly turned their heads and tried their hardest to ignore the grisly operation going on before them. They were failing. Horribly.
“Oh, don’t worry, my limbs will grow back. Eventually.” A tearing sound could be heard, kind of what you’d imagine a wet piece of water being torn in two would sound like. Deadpool was now armless, hopping around the quickly bloodening cell with joy to his step. “In the meantime, now I can entertain you guys! Perhaps with interpretive dance! Knock-knock jokes! Ooh, how about charades!” Deadpool stretched out his legs and struck a pose that could have been considered heroic if blood hadn’t been squirting out of his arm stumps like twin rivers. “And no, before you ask, I’m not Captain America, just to be clear.”
“What about the Hulk?” Solaire asked.
“Goddamnit!”
“Valeyard! Mr. Valeyard, please, one of the prisoners is trying to escape!” Luna called out to the darkness to no avail. “Please, hurry and stop him right now! Before it’s too late!”