Rainbow scurried along the fringes of the party, nearly stumbling over her skirts multiple times. She made her way towards the wall beyond the raised partitions where she had last seen Photo Finish. Along the way, a gray stone figure hopped out of the nearby décor and ran alongside her.
“Hey!” Lancie whispered, wide-eyed. “What's with the cavorting?! That's what we're doing, right? Cavorting?”
“Shhhh!” Rainbow hissed, glancing over her shoulder in mid-trot. “The game has totally changed...”
“In what way?”
“I just got done talking to Filthy Rich.”
“Say, isn't he the guy with the thick twang in his voice who screwed up the lives of the Freckle Lisa and her family?”
“This place is being hijacked by some... pony mafia.”
“Cool! Since when?”
“Since I friggin' got done talking with Filthy Rich who told me.”
“I knew I smelled olives.”
“I think they're after Photo Finish. Like... she crossed the line at some point and now her life's in friggin' danger.”
“So what's the game plan?”
“This ain't no game, Lancie,” Rainbow grumbled. “Not anymore. Though, I'd have an easier time dealing with these creeps if it weren't for all the stupidity.”
“What kind of stupidity?”
“We've got Romulus in disguise trying to snatch the chaos shard. Then there's a stiff-legged unicorn after my tail feathers. On top of that, both Filthy and Fancy Pants are here. And don't get me started on this female dog who wants to hang me by every thread of her fashion career... for some reason...”
“You know, I've always believed that hate was just a very passionate, inside-out expression of love,” Lancie said with a smile.
“Yeah, well, you've always been an idiot.”
“Spoken like a true idiot magnet.”
“Positively.”
“Just where in Celestia's uvula are we going?”
“I'm trying to find the secret passageway!”
“You think Photo's gone there?”
“I'm most certain. Just, with all these ponies here and all of the crap rearranged across the apartment, I've lost track of where things are—Ah HA!” Rainbow stumbled into the tall triple portrait hanging behind the shadowy partition. “It's cracked open slightly. What's she doing?” Rainbow turned to glance over her shoulder. “Is anypony looking?”
“No. Nor any griffon, either.”
“Better make this quick.” Rainbow held her breath and darted through the hidden seal, spinning the wall compartment open and shut like a revolving door. As soon as she was inside the panic room, her eyes squinted, adjusting to the bright lights. “Unnngh... Photo? Photo? Answer me, girl! Where'd you run off to and why—?” Rainbow's breath left her. “Awwwwwwwww poopsicle...”
Rainbow's eyes followed a trail of empty and half-empty bottles of scotch. Lying in the corner of the room, baptized in her own sweat, was Photo Finish—or at least what was left of her. The mare's outfit was more than disheveled, hanging off her body. Her wig had slipped off, exposing her bright blue skull. What's more, her shades lay crookedly across her muzzle, revealing a pair of thin, teary, bloodshot eyes.
“HIC!” Photo teetered, giving a drunken smile as she waved. “Hallo, Fraulein! HIC! It is a guten abend to die, ja?”
“Ah jeez...” Rainbow wheezed. Her tail knocked Lancie off balance as she galloped over and slid to a stop beside Photo. “Ah jeez ah jeez ah jeez ah jeez!” She grasped the mare's shoulder, wincing. “Photo! Speak to me!”
“HIC!” Photo teetered, her eyes twitching. “Hrmmm... sprechen sie bourbon?” She raised the glass, then giggled stupidly. “Heeheehee! Ja! Sehr gut!”
“No! Sehr sucky!” Rainbow frowned. “What the hay's gotten into you?! Have you forgotten that the most important party of your life is happening outside?”
“Mmmmm!” Photo took another sip of the sloshing bottle in her grasp. “A party... life is a vonderous party. But like all celebrations, it must end sooner zan later, ja?” She wheezed, her face slung between a smile and a frown. “Ve paint our felicities vith song and color. But all beauty dangles from a sin sread...” She hiccuped. “Life vouldn't be so blissfully ironic if zat vasn't ze case...”
“This ain't no time for psuedo philosophy!” Rainbow wheezed. “Girl, you've got a bunch of crazy mobsters after you! You're no good to anypony drunk as a skunk!”
“I'm no good to anypony...” Photo belched. “Period.”
“Photo...”
“Fraulein, zere is a time vhen you must simply accept defeat.” Tears collected around Photo's eyes. “Meine husband must hafe known zat, ozervise he vould shtill be here.” She gulped, sniffling. “I vas a korpse long before you met me, meine friend. If you vant to safe anysink zat's shpecial to me, kollect meine Hanzes. Take zem somevere far away... to Awesometopialand...” A bittersweet smile. “Zey vill be safe vith you...”
“Photo, I...” Rainbow winced, gnashing her teeth. “I can't take them to Awesometopia...”
“Vhy not, Fraulein?”
“Because...” Rainbow clenched her eyes shut, hissed, and said, “Because I have to get all three of you out! There's gotta be a way!”
“Neine, Fraulein. I know Don Kanter. Zere is no vay but his vay...”
“Maybe... maybe...” Rainbow Dash blinked, then brightened. “The vault!” She leaned in and shook Photo's shoulders. “That damn thing is indestructable! Give me the code, Photo!”
“Ze... ze c-code?”
“The four numbers to the safe!” Rainbow stammered. “I can hide you and your kids in there while I fly off and—I dunno—call the police to bust this party down! They'll haul Don Canter's stallions away, I know it!”
“Hmmmm...” Photo smiled, nuzzling Rainbow's forelimb. “You are so nice to me, Fraulein...”
“Photo, listen to me—”
“But...” Photo yawned, teetered, and teetered some more. “I'm afraid zat... sinks are goink dark now...” THUD! She fell on her side, snoring hard.
“Photo? Photo?!” Rainbow shouted, shaking the mare viciously. “Nnnngh... dang it all! Photo, you picked the wrong damn time to pull an Edgar Allan Pony!”
“I don't get it.” Lancie scratched his stone chin. “Is she dead?”
“No.” Rainbow stood up, frowning. “But she will be.” She looked at Photo's limp, stirring figure. “Damn it! If she had just given me the code, I could have killed two birds with one stone!”
“Or in this case, 'saved' them.”
“Exactly.” Rainbow sighed, turning towards the hidden chamber's entrance. “Won't be long before ponies start wondering where the friggin' host of the party is.”
“We could hold things out in here, couldn't we?”
“I doubt Don Canter's stallions have that much patience,” Rainbow grumbled. “Or Romulus for that matter. It's just a matter of time before they start looking for the mare of the hour and discover her here... in this room.”
“So... uh...” Lancie grinned wickedly. “Headbutt Time?”
“No!” Rainbow hissed, pacing in a tight circle. “There's too much at stake, dang it! One little slip, and either Romulus will find this room or these mobsters will get to Photo's colts!”
“I don't suppose making a run for it falls within your itinerary.”
“No, Lancie. It doesn't.” Rainbow frowned in mid-pace. “As much as I hate to admit it, I'm responsible for a lot of this crap. If I hadn't slipped in on Photo's life, she wouldn't even be throwing this party to begin with. I know the shard's important and all, but I gotta figure out how to finish what's been sta—” She tripped over something. “Gah!” She looked down.
Photo's fake white tail had been dislodged from her flank.
Rainbow squatted down and picked it up. She felt the hairs, sighing out her nostrils. “Why'd she have to be so sick, y'know?” A frown. “Couldn't she just open up to ponies around her and ask for some help? I mean, why the brave silent treatment?”
Lancie cleared his throat.
Rainbow looked at him.
The statue shrugged, smirking. “You're one black, black kettle, Sparky.”
“Lancie, this isn't the time for—” Rainbow froze in mid-speech, blinking.
“What?” Lancie scratched his stone head. “Panties?”
“Wait a second...” Rainbow squatted down beside Photo once more. She ran a hoof across the mare's dress, then lifted one of her legs. She pressed her hoof to Photo's. She looked at her light blue coat... then at Photo's light blue coat. “Unnnnngh... Luna help me...”
“Buh?” Lancie craned his neck. His gray eyes twitched. “Oh no...”
“Lancie...”
“Oh noooooo no no no...” He chuckled dryly. “That's too crazy! Even for me.”
“...I'm going to need you to stay here,” Rainbow said. She was already in the process of shimmying out of her emerald green dress. “I'll be outside, buying us all some time, but we need Photo awake. Do whatever is in your power to revive the mare, you got it?”
“Sparky, nothing is in my power!” Lancie sputtered. “Until we get that shard, I'm powerless to help our beloved Lifetrot actress here!” He pointed. “And I'll be powerless to help you in your moment of awesome stupidity!”
“Well, that's too bad,” Rainbow said, proceeding to disrobe Photo as gently as she could. “Because this is gonna be one hard act to follow.”
Minutes later, a frazzled “photographer” slithered out of a hidden door compartment and pressed herself against the shadowed partitions. Gulping, Rainbow Dash straightened the white wig that was plastered over her scalp and smoothed the wrinkles in Photo's multi-colored skirt.
“Unnngh...” She grimaced, slipping the violet shades on over her ruby eyes. “Feels like I'm an inside out plastic flower...” She gave the white tail a little shake. “...complete with a stem.”
“Photo, darling! Ow!” Sapphire Shores rushed up out of nowhere, flinging her forelimb around Rainbow's shoulder. “There you are! I've been looking all over for you, gal pal! You just have to join in on the fun!”
“Uhm... wh-what fun?” Rainbow stammered. She coughed, sputtered, and cleared her throat. “I mean...” She stood up straight, jaw rigid. “Vaat fun?! Ja! Showen sie... zee fun, ja?”
Sapphire blinked at her. “Are you... feeling alright, honey?”
“Er... yes, why wouldn't I—guhhhhhh.” Rainbow adjusted her shades with a flouncing white wig. “Ja! Vvyy vouldn't I?! I, Photo Finish, am alvaaays lookinK for... uh... ze fun magiks! Sehr gut, Fraulein...” She squeaked. “And st-stuff?””
Sapphire stared at her. At last, she snorted. “Snkkkt—heeheeheehee-hahHAH!” She slapped Rainbow's side.
Photo's prosthetic tail fell out.
“Duaah!” Rainbow scrambled to pick it back up while Sapphire wasn't looking.
“You're always such a laugh, Photo!” Sapphire grinned wide. “And pretty darn adorable when you're caught off guard!”
“Ja, vell...” Rainbow plucked the tail back in place, hiding her own prismatic hairs as she stumbled alongside Sapphire and into the t hick of the party. “You know me too vvvell... uhm... meine friend.” She gulped as all eyes of the room fell on her.