//------------------------------// // 116: Gonna Derp the Bass // Story: Lyra's Human 2: Derpy's Human // by pjabrony //------------------------------// “You know what we haven’t done for a while?” Derpy looked up from the remnants of her breakfast. So far, everything had been going according to routine. She had arrived on time, Karyn had been ready, the apartment was mostly tidy, and Derpy had taken care of the “mostly.” Now, as she took the last bites of toast, the first breach of protocol had transpired, and she was ready for however the day would be made special. “What’s that?” “We haven’t done a pony tour. You know, brought someone here from Equestria to visit.” “No, we haven’t. But I thought you wanted to put them off for the summer and wait until you were back in class.” Karyn cleaned up the table and wiped it down. “I did say that, but at the time I thought that having fun would be a really intensive thing, you know? But we’ve been having fun, for the most part, and I’m ready for a bit more excitement.” “I’m up for that.” “You probably have ponies coming up to you all the time asking when it’s their turn, right?” Derpy thought back. “I wouldn’t say that. A few of them mention it, but it’s not like it’s a huge deal. They know that you’re busy and that Earth is a dangerous place. It’s more like going on an adventure for them than it is getting a prize. Anyway, do you have the list of who’s next?” “No. I got rid of it before the summer, remember?” “Oh, yes. Well, I’ll just have to check back in Equestria.” She made a motion to get up. “Do you want me to come with?” “No, if you’re eager for it, I’ll go, find out who’s on the list and available, find them, and bring them back instantly.” This seemed like a good idea to Karyn, but in any case it was a fait accompli, as Derpy was already reaching for her saddlebag. Over the time she had spent with Derpy, Karyn had gotten used to the sound of ponies coming and going between worlds. Derpy’s leaving was quieter, as all there was was the clapping sound of the air collapsing into the vacuum where Derpy had been. But arriving also had a sound which Karyn compared to an old and broken heating system coming on for the first time in winter. She had a theory that it had something to do with reactions with the air molecules, but hadn’t given it much thought. In any case, it was the loudest she had ever heard it as, for the first time, three ponies popped into existence. In the cramped apartment, they had to spread out to ensure that there was enough space. At the same time, Karyn was able to recognize them almost instantly. The neutral colors spread out from gray to white to brown. “Octavia? DJ? “Vinyl, please,” said that mare. “I’m off duty.” Karyn turned back to Derpy. “Why both? I mean, no offense to either of you, but it’s unprecedented.” “Well, there’s a bit of a funny story there. When I stopped by to pick up Octavia, whose name was ahead on the list, Vinyl was there too and asked what was going on. Instead of waiting her turn, she wanted to come along now. I was a little averse to that, but Octavia said that it would be better to give in rather than have an argument.” Vinyl laughed. “Yeah, right. If it had been the other way around, it would have been her whining to come along.” “First of all,” said Octavia. “you should say, ‘it would have been she.’ Second, it would not have been I whining.” Again Karyn moved closer to Derpy, but it was nigh impossible to get true privacy. “Skipping over whether it was a good idea to bring any two guests, to say nothing of these two, how did you do it? I thought you only had the one bag of spells for you and one for a guest. Also, how did you all get here instead of out back.” “To answer the second question, I got Lyra to tweak the spells’ position to make here equal to the clock tower. So now I’ll just fly there every week even if we’re not having a guest. And while she did that she made a third transportation spell.” Karyn thought that Derpy had buried the lede slightly, but it was done. She turned to the two of them. “Well, welcome to Earth. Thanks for not asking to bring your cello and DJing equipment with you, or we would be really hard-pressed to have fit it here.” Octavia smiled. “I wouldn’t trust my instrument in such close proximity to Vinyl anyway.” “Hmph! I bring my turntables and stuff around you all the time.” “But I’ve never broken any of them. And you don’t respect your tools as much as you should.” Karyn whispered to Derpy, “I don’t know how we’re going to keep them secret if we go outside. They can’t go a minute without getting into a back-and-forth.” Vinyl looked over her shades at them. “Hey! Yes we can! But in any case, what we ought to do is hit a club where everyone’s slam dancing and such, then it’ll be cool if we bump into people. “Three problems with that,” replied Karyn. “One, I don’t know of any clubs around here. Two, they wouldn’t be open, and three, everyone other than you would be miserable.” She expected Vinyl to retort, but instead she just looked at Octavia. An awkward moment passed before the Earth pony said, “What?” “Well, aren’t you going to ask about going to see some frou-frou concert hall or museum or whatever it is you’re into?” “I have no intention of pacing myself to your social graces or lack thereof just to keep some parallelism between us. You wouldn’t enjoy that, so I won’t suggest it.” If anypony or anyone expected this to mollify Vinyl, they were mistaken. She let it roll off her back and said, “What we’re really interested in is humans, including you. We barely got to spend any time with you at the concert, but you seem like a great chick. So Octy and I said that this would be an awesome way to spend part of a weekend. So take us through a day in the life, K?” “Ha!” Karyn burst out. “A day in the life would be completely boring, since most days—at least now—I’m at work. And it’s not the kind of work that you folks do, where you have concerts and recitals and sets. It’s boring, day-in, day-out stuff. Derpy can tell you, she’s seen me there.” “I have,” said Derpy. “It’s like nothing you’ve ever seen. We should totally go.” Vinyl nodded vigorously. Octavia gave no great display, but she also indicated assent. “Are you all serious?” Karyn asked. “I totally want to see where you work!” said Vinyl. “It makes sense that they would be fascinated by someone different. It’s like the princess and the pauper.” Derpy would brook no more argument, and she shoved Karyn’s purse into her chest before heading toward the door. “Umm, Derpy?” “Yeah?” “You’re spreading your wings. We’re not going to fly there this time.” “Oh, right. Hey, I just realized! This is the first time we’ve had an Earth pony, a pegasus pony, and a unicorn pony all together on Earth at the same time.” Four heads turned to look at each other. It was true, of course, but none of them were the first thought of the representation of their tribe. Octavia was far more cosmopolitan than most Earth ponies, Derpy didn’t fly fast like the pegasi did, and Vinyl had no pretensions to high-class living. At the same time, everypony got along, so they were fine ambassadors. “OK,” said Karyn. “Let’s get this organized. Everypony go invisible and then we will be heading out to the car.” “A cart?” Vinyl’s eyes went wide. “No, a car. It works different. Derpy can explain...or we can just go outside and see it.” She led the way for the three mares to see her little compact. Before she could explain any part of how it worked, Vinyl yelled, “ Still looks like a cart to me. I call shotgun!” Octavia sighed. “Fine.” “Aw, yeah! Still undefeated in shotgun calling!” Karyn was incredulous. “That’s a thing for ponies?” “Sure! Tavi and I ride in carriages all the time, and she’s always taking the back seat to me. Ain’t that right?” “It sure is.” Derpy said, “In this case, though, it might—“ “No, no,” interrupted Karyn. “Don’t interfere. If Vinyl wants to take the front seat, Octavia can go in the back and you can hover there. There’ll be plenty of room.” Still dubious, Derpy opened the door and showed Octavia how to best stretch out for comfort. She did not go into a hover, however, since the car was short and if she did her wings would blow air into Octavia’s face. But she could curl up near the back window and lean mostly on the rear dash. Meanwhile, Vinyl had thrown open the front door and said, “Whoa! What’s with this chair?” “That’s the front seat.” “Remember,” said Derpy “That humans are more comfortable with their flanks underneath them.” Vinyl tried to sit down, and managed to get her body in past the door, but her tail was pinched and her head couldn’t seem to find the right position against the headrest. “I take it back. Octy, you come up here and switch with me.” “Wouldn’t dream of it,” Octavia said. “You called the position, and you have it. Besides, as you said, you always ride in front, and I wouldn’t want to break tradition.” “Maybe I want to break tradition.” “I know you do, but I respect it.” Vinyl was cowed, and Karyn smirked, but she drove fast so as not to maximize the pony’s discomfort. This was also a matter of self-interest, as Vinyl’s shifting and exasperated breathing were distracting to all the other riders. Meanwhile, from the back Octavia was enjoying the show of the scenery. “You have a beautiful world, Karyn,” she said. “Cosmopolitan, like Canterlot, but still with a rustic charm. Derpy, you are lucky to visit here so often.” “Yes, I think so. It’s not all like this, though. We’re still near Karyn’s school.” The drive did not improve as the trees and small shops were replaced with strip malls and power lines, but nopony said anything to that, and soon they arrived at Karyn’s place of employment. Vinyl jumped out as soon as the car stopped. “Ahh! Feels so good to be off my plot!” “Vinyl! Don’t use such vulgar words in public. I’ve given up on getting you to stop in private.” “Sorry, Tavi. But I need to go for a run to get some feeling back in my pl—in my flanks. Come with?” Octavia turned to Karyn. “Would it be all right?” “I think so, but try not to tread too heavily. We don’t want anyone to think a herd of horses are trampling by. If you circle this road you’ll meet us back here.” “I thank you. Come, Vinyl, not too fast then.” As they went off on their trot, Derpy and Karyn were left by the car. “Those two have a crazy relationship,” Karyn said. “Yes, but I like hanging out with them. Octavia makes me feel sophisticated, even if I’m not.” “I think you’re sophisticated.” “Ha!” Derpy trumpeted. “You’re being nice. I don’t think I’m shabby or anything, but I’m definitely not sophisticated the way Octavia is.” “How about Rarity? She’s like that too.” “Yes, but Rarity doesn’t have that knack of spreading it among friends.” Karyn watched the edge of the campus, even though she knew she wouldn’t see anything. “I wonder if I should have warned them about watching out for other humans. Oh, well. I’m sure they’ll be fine.” “You shouldn’t say things like that. That’s the surest way to make sure that something goes wrong.” But in fact nothing went wrong, and Octavia and Vinyl soon returned. But as they did, the door to Karyn’s office opened, and out stepped Juana, the co-worker that both she and Derpy liked best. Karyn waved. “Hey,” she said. “What are you doing around here? It’s Sunday.” Karyn was thrown. She had hoped to do everything inside. Now she had three impatient ponies who couldn’t be introduced just yet. “Well, actually...could we go in the office?” “If you like. What, did you forget something that couldn’t wait till tomorrow?” “No, not like that.” They headed for the stairs. Juana looked over her shoulder. “Well, don’t get too attached to this place, or any workplace for that matter. Learn how to unwind when you finally do get a day off.” “I understand, and that’s what I’m trying to do. It’s just...let’s get into the office so I can explain.” The office seemed cluttered, but there was enough raw square footage that all of the ponies had room to spread out. “Now,” Karyn said. “This may seem a little weird, but trust me, everything is OK.” She launched into what had become a practiced speech, explaining about the existence of ponies and magic. She had even learned how to put in the right inflections to make someone comfortable and let her finish before they thought she was crazy. That was what she particularly feared when explaining to Juana. After all, they had not known each other that long. Before she even finished, Vinyl removed her invisibility spell and waved. As the unicorn, she was probably the most impressive of the three, especially as Derpy didn’t go in for impressive flying displays. Juana had a moment of difficulty, especially as she had never seen or even heard of My Little Pony. “Unicorn...huh?” “Pretty impressive, huh?” Vinyl struck a dramatic pose. “I just thought they were more...gentle and dignified. Not wearing sunglasses and headphones. And your mane is all spiky and not flowing. I thought unicorns had more...grace.” Octavia had her hoof to her mouth to cover her smile as Juana said this. But even with her stone face she couldn’t keep quiet when Juana said, “In all honesty, this one”—gesturing to Octavia—“seems more like what a unicorn would be.” Juana had her picture in mind of how a unicorn should act, but Karyn and Derpy knew better, and both of them tensed as they knew that an explosion would be imminent. Vinyl tremored, and behind her shades they could see her red eyes glowing. They expected to see her stand on her back hooves with fire surrounding her while she pointed to the sky, but instead, she picked her head up and was calm. “You can’t get to me today. You know why? Because I have the advantage. See, I didn’t just come here for the sights. I came to spread what I do best and make the name of Vinyl Scratch famous in two worlds. And that. Means. MUSIC.” Again she struck a pose, this time flashing her cutie mark to everyone. “You do know that you are not the only musician present, right?” said Octavia. “Yeah, but there’s no way you were gonna haul that cello of yours through dimensions. I’ve got all I need right here!” Vinyl dipped into her saddlebag and held aloft her namesake, a record with a gold label on the middle and a jet black edge that reflected the overhead lights of the office. Everyone paused for a moment, and Derpy and Karyn each tried to figure out how to explain to Vinyl why it wasn’t going to work. Before they could, Juana burst out laughing. “You have a record? That’s great!” “It’s not my only one, but it is my best. Get me a turntable and I’ll show you how to rock!” Karyn had recovered now, and she was wondering if it was easier for her to explain or to ask Derpy to put it into terms that another pony could best understand. But again Juana took the lead in the conversation. “We don’t have turntables anymore. Not outside music shops. Oh, sure, there’s an interest in records, but there’s also an interest in antique furniture. Neither are popular.” Now Octavia joined in. “You don’t listen to music here? That’s a shame. Your world is so beautiful, I would think that if you had good composers, it could sound just as lovely.” “I didn’t say that we had no music. We have plenty of music. Just no records. Or, again, very few.” “You do? Great,” said Vinyl. “So I know you’ll like my wubs and fast beats!” “Wubs? Like, dubstep? Not what I’m into at all.” Vinyl looked shocked. Octavia grinned. “See, I knew that the people of Earth would have a more refined taste than that. I’m sure they much prefer the kind of music that I would perform.” “I’m not sure about that either. I think that the unicorn—Vinyl, was it? Appropriate. I think she mentioned something about a cello? Most of the popular music doesn’t include any strings outside of a guitar.” “Not even a piano?” asked Derpy. “Well, yes, piano, but that’s not the same kind of strings. In any case, let me give you some idea of what I like to listen to.” She sat down at her desk and unlocked the computer. Fiddling for the speakers, she stared for a bit and clicked with the mouse until she had found what she was looking for. “This isn’t the best sound system; it’s a work computer,” Juana said. “But it’ll give you an idea.” She turned the speakers so they could hear over the white noise of the fans, and let the sound of a classical guitar lilt through the room. It had more of a beat than Octavia’s oeuvre, but was still far slower than Vinyl’s music. Octavia trotted up to the speakers and pointed her ears at them, to the delight of Juana. Vinyl hip-checked her out of the way. “How’s it done? What’s playing it?” Juana looked at Karyn. “Can we explain digital music to them?” “They can understand,” said Karyn, “but I’m not sure how easily. It took Derpy several hours to get used to the computer. But basically it’s recorded, kind of like one of Vinyl’s records, but it’s locked up inside a box inside another box so that the records don’t get warped or scratched or dusty.” Juana bristled at Karyn’s dumbing down of the subject, but at least she got the idea of clean hard drives through. Octavia was also irked. “I was trying to listen to the music, even though the method is interesting in itself.” “Oh, yeah,” said Vinyl. “It’s not bad. I could dance to this.” “Then do so, and let me listen without interruption.” Vinyl opened her mouth, but then shut it and let Octavia have her way. She found the most open area of the floor and bopped her head while shaking her flanks. Vinyl Scratch clearly subscribed to the mantra: “dance as if no one was watching.” While the two marefriends were enchanted by the music, Juana walked around to Karyn. “This was...really cool. I never dreamed something like this really existed. Thanks for showing them to me.” “Thank Derpy just as much. She’s the architect of this whole thing.” Juana did so, then watched Vinyl and Octavia again. “Those two, they have a special bond of friendship. You can tell.” Derpy shot her a quizzical look. “You can? I know they do, but to most people it looks like they fight.” “Because they’re different, but they blend together. A lot of things are like that. I’ll admit, Karyn, when you first came on I didn’t know what to make of you. We’re pretty different too, maybe in more than music taste. But I think we can be friends just the same way they are.” The song came to an end. Vinyl collapsed onto her belly. “Don’t lie on the floor,” said Octavia. “Stand up like a proper mare.” Juana put on another song, and they all listened for an hour or so, before she insisted that she had to get back to work. “As much as this is a momentous day, there’s still stuff that has to get done.” Karyn drove back to the house, with this time Derpy taking the front seat. She had more experience in the car and knew how to ride without hurting herself. When at last they were back in her apartment, and Octavia and Vinyl had returned to Equestria, Derpy lingered behind. “Well, we get to wrap up another visit from somepony. That might be my favorite part, and we haven’t done it for a while.” “You’re right. And Juana was right too. I wonder if I’ve lost out on some good friendships for not being able to have the kind of back-and-forth that those two have.” Derpy squared against her. “If you like, I can tell you how boorish you are, and you can make fun of me for being stuck up.” “Wait a minute! Why do you get to play Octavia?!” “Because Vinyl usually wins their arguments. So I was trying to be nice and let you do that.” Karyn laughed. “I don’t think she did today. But that’s probably because they’re in a new world. For all her bravado, Vinyl still needs her hoof held now and again.” “I can understand that.” And Karyn reached over and put her hand on Derpy’s hoof.