Twilight, dejected and saddened, purposelessly trotted into her castle. Looking down at the ground the whole way, she slowly made her way to her bedroom, and then face down onto her mattress.
"...I need to write Celestia about this bullshit."
Twilight flipped onto her back, and after a few moments of thinking, began to speak.
"Spike, take a fucking letter. Dear fucking Celestia, as you might be able to tell, I have a bullshit problem on my hooves. Or, rather, in my fucking shitty cunt potty mouth, damn it. I've had this dumbass bullshit problem since this shitty fucking morning – I can't stop saying this dumb shit." Twilight paused, blinked, and then sighed. "And... I can't even write you because I put my fucking baby dragon in the hospital."
Twilight lashed out in anger all over her bed, repeatedly bucking it and hitting it and screaming.
"Wait... what's the name of this fucking universe again?"
Friendship is Magic
"Oh, yeah fuck. Then I should probably visit my magical fucking friends... that aren't in the ass hospital."
"...and yer goin' to Canterlot, even after you put two of yer closest friends in the hospital?"
Twilight turned to her orange blonde-maned redneck dirty earth pony friend and uttered a simple, "Fuck. I mean, fuck yes."
Each time Twilight would use of the terrible vulgarities, Fluttershy would cringe a little. Rainbow Dash would just snicker at Fluttershy, and Pinkie Pie would laugh with Rainbow Dash, because Pinkie Pie was the Element of Laughter, so she laughed even when nothing was funny, because again, she was the literal embodiment of laughter. She laughed at Twilight's grandma's funeral, for Pete's sake. Anyways, that's besides the point.
"Well, we'd be happy to rainbow dash up to Canterlot with you!"
"Why the fuckshit avenue did you just say your own damn fucking stupid gay ass name?"
"Because I'm awesome! YEAH! 20% COOLER!"
"...Shut the fuck up, Rainbow Shitdick."
Rainbow Dash flew in a circle, leaving a rainbow trail behind her. "Rainbow awesomeness! Anyways, Twi, we'd be happy to accompany you to Canterlot, if you'd rainbow like that."
"Stop fucking saying rainbow, you atrocious goat shit."
"Rainbokay!"
Twilight decided that it would be a good idea to just ignore Rainbow Dash from this point on. "Well, we're gonna haul our stupid asses onto the train tomorrow morning, every-FUCKIN-pony, so be at the Friendship Express Station at...let's say...nine o'fuckin'clock?"
Twilight had decided that, since Spike was unable to send a letter in his current state, and since Rarity, an Element of Harmony responsible for the safety of the entire kingdom, was hospitalized, she should go visit Celestia at Canterlot Castle and bring her up to speed on the awkward situation.
Little did Twilight know, the potty-mouthed curse that had tainted her entire vocabulary would soon be responsible for the [The SPB (Spoiler Prevention Bureau) has regulated and chosen to censor this content for your reading pleasure. Thank you!]
Tick tick tick.
Twilight was beginning to become very impatient.
It was 9:01, and her friends were nowhere to be found.
She could hear the clock tower at the train station, slowly inching forward into the future, as she royally decreed that the train must, quote-unquote, "be fucking held for my dumbass tardy ass piece-of-shit friends who are taking all fucking day."
I don't understand why my fucking cuntmouthed cockfingers twatcake friends would fucking do this kind of gay ass horse shit, she thought to herself.
She looked at a mare getting on board the train, and watched her expression go from ordinary to somewhat dissatisfied as the conductor informed her that the Princess had ordered the train be held over. When the mare boarded the train, Twilight took notice to the way her flanks so graciously swayed back and forth, how her trail blew so beautifully in the wind, how her cutie mark of three pieces of penny candy so beautifully complimented her coat and her tail.
I bet that ass is as sweet as a bonbon. Oh, fuck...
Twilight's eyelids slowly closed and her mind began to wander...
Tick tick tick.
Twilight's eyes impatiently sprung open and she craned her neck in the opposite direction to check the time.
9:02.
Tick tick tick. That's the sound of her life running out. Her valuable time, perhaps time that could be used to prevent some big impending disaster or something. Who knows what could be coming? Rarity is hospital-ridden as is Spike, and now Equestria is without its most vital form of protection?
Twilight looked back at the object of her affection, but Bon Bon appeared to have disappeared from sight, completely. Who knows what may have happened to her? Twilight had to rescue her! Her life could be in danger... the object of her attention, her future fuck toy...
Then Twilight saw her in the window, and remembered that she was here in the first place to board the train.
She sighed at her melodramatic Rarity moment, facehoofed and decided to go on about her fantasizing.... oh, Bon Bo-
"Heya, Twilight, we made it!"
Twilight's eyelids burst open to reveal her bloodshot eyes, and she exhaled roughly and flared her nostrils as if she was about to kick Applejack's ass for interrupting her fantasies. She hadn't gotten laid in many an eon. Okay, maybe eon is a slight exaggeration, but whatever.
Twilight gestured towards the clock tower atop the train station and screamed, "You're fucking late! You're three entire damn fucking shitty minutes late! That's greater than one hundred and eighty but lesser than two hundred and forty seconds fucking late, you gay piece of shit redneck farming earth pony scumfuck!!"
Applejack veered her neck back suddenly, as if intimidated, because she was intimidated.
"Now... let's get on the fucking train and go visit the fucking princess."
Finally, after a long and exhausting train ride, our heroes arrived in Canterlot. Twilight was able to see the palace from the train station.
"Um.. Twilight.. are you.. okay?" meeped Fluttershy with her tiny, inferior, incompetent, shitty, faggotish, waste-of-sound-waves voice.
"Does it look like I'm fucking okay?"
"Well, that's the thing, sugarcube," said Applejack in her lower-class Southern accent that simply screamed "I have the right to bear arms and stand my ground against all dark-coated ponies. "You're sorta..."
"You're glowing and stuff!" exclaimed Rainbow Dash, who was being so completely honest with Twilight, she clearly was fit to hold the title of the Element of Honesty Loyalty.
Twilight hadn't noticed until her completely honest friend pointed out that her coat was clearly emitting a bright lavender light, and her mane was flowing graciously in the wind, shimmering in the sunlight, much like Luna and Celestia's manes.
Speaking of Celestia...
"Fuck you, girls, I need to have a little shit-shat with the fucking princess!" Twilight took off in flight like a rocket towards the palace, breaking the sound barrier as she did so, leaving a beautiful trail of magenta and violet behind her as she did. Yet, she was so dead set on completing her task, it had completely slipped past her notice.
Twilight smashed through the windows into the palace and was greeted with the familiar scent of-
"Dude, man, did you see that fairy bunny over there phase through the walls into the castle?" The mare who had just spoken could then be heard taking a deep breath, followed by a blissful exhale with a couple coughs sprinkled in.
Weed.
Having heard the glass breaking, Luna had entered the palace to see her sister's faithful student and the pothead herself both having what looked like a very uncomfortable chat.
Celestia was wearing a messy bun, a black hoodie, and was sitting on her throne, her eyes bloodshot and a joint being held no more than an inch from her face with magic. She started to laugh uncontrollably, and then she slumped over the arm of her chair, suddenly relaxed.
"This stuff is the.. stuff.. is the... is the stuff, man," said Celestia psychedelically.
Fucking typical, thought Twilight. Celestia had been a pothead since Twilight was enrolled in her school, probably for longer than that. In fact, rumor has it that she was so high during Luna's banishment, she actually didn't realize her own sister was banished until the night before the thousandth Summer Sun Celebration, at which point she cried because she realized she hadn't seen her sister in a thousand years. But then she felt better because she got high again.
What, are you telling me that none of you other bronies and pegasisters have ever questioned why Princess Celestia is so calm, mellow, and laid-back all the time?
I thought it was obvious from episode 101.
I mean, seriously, she is in mortal danger so often and always keeps a cool head. The only time she has ever once gotten even somewhat riled up was when she fought (and lost to) Chrysalis. She obviously couldn't channel her magic because she was so blazed, her mind was in a thousand different places.
Geez, you guys must not be very observant.
Anyways, the princess fell asleep as I was explaining this. Probably shouldn't have taken so long.
"Ah, shit," said Twilight.
Luna looked at her snoozing celestial sister and at her sister's superstar student.
"What seems to be the problem, Twilight?"
Twilight looked at Luna, then back at her mentor, then back at Luna again. "I don't know why I ever thought of trying to ask this stupid fucking dumbass why my tongue has been cursed with cursing, damn it. This wasn't the fucking plan at all! I wanted to tell her that Equestria can't fucking protect itself because Rarity landed her dumb ass in the hospital! I couldn't even write her a fucking stupid ass whore shit fuck slut letter because Spike, with his stupid scaly ass, is also in the hospital!"
Luna looked at Twilight, who was so angry, her skin appeared to be seething. "Well, what is your plan to rid yourself of the Curse of Curse now, Twilight Sparkle?"
Twilight's rage finally began to simmer down somewhat. She calmly let herself fall to the floor. The glow she had been emitting disappeared along with her anger, as well as her magical Celestia-esque mane, which had returned to normal. She let out a long sigh and brought her left forehoof to her chest, then calmly let it move away from her, exhaling as she did so.
"I fucking guess we're gonna have to improvise." Twilight took off to the Castle of the Two Sisters to do some homework on the situation at hand. Or would it be the situation at hoof? I don't know, why does Twilight not know what hands are in Equestria Girls? Like, she may not have hands, but you think she'd be smart enough to know what they are. I mean, Spike has hands! Why does he call them claws? I'm fairly sure claws are just the talons on the tips of the finger connected to the hands. I mean-
"Grandpa?"
"What in fuck's fuck do you fucking want, Cody, you gay pony-fucking shitstain on the universe?"
"Why is the author being so unprofessional and unfocused and bad right now?"
"Because, Thomas, he's a dumb fraud like you, pretending to be a human, when really he's just some pink-loving faggot who likes to stick his dick in horses... like you."
"Why are you so cruel to me, Grandpa? ;-;"
"Because, Gregory, I simply don't like you. Kill yourself!"
The boy cried. No one liked him because he liked cartoon ponies. He was ostracized and stigmatized and rejected from normal society. He was fat. He was gay. He would still live in his mom's basement when he was 34. In fact, even when he was 37 and nine months and three weeks and two days. Girls found him so repulsive, they literally stabbed him whenever he tried to so much as even acknowledge their existence through his peripheral vision. Mosquitoes wouldn't even bite him, because they didn't want to catch the ghey. He was so fucking repulsive that inanimate objects even backed away from him. His bed once rejected him, he was so fat. He tried laying in it, but it grew arms and hands and it broke his knees and threw him out the window. All because he was a brony. This is what brony haters believe. This is actually what brony haters believe.
Anyways, back to the book. The old crusty piece of shit opened the book to some random page...
Twilight wished that she'd owned an acoustic guitar. She also wishes she knew how to play the guitar. She also took a moment to contemplate how it was possible for any hornless pony to play an instrument based entirely upon coordination of some variety of opposable digi-
"Grandpa!"
"What is it, Lucas, you vile creature of the darkness?!"
"Fucking die! You just started reading from the first page!"
"What did you say to me, Andrew, you little piece of fucking shit?! I'm going to go outside and grab one of your mother's thorned roses from her garden, and I am going to fucking lodge it so far up your anus, your rectum will cry for mercy as I deliver the most cruel and unusual punishment that any abusive elderly person has ever seen! Then, Anthony, I'm not going to kill you. No, Scott, I'm going to watch as you suffer as I fuck you with a cheese grater, and then I'm going to laugh at you as I use my bare hands to literally tear out your rectum! How do you like that, James?!"
The boy became so fed up with his grandpa's bullshit, he grabbed the inconspicuously placed butcher knife that he kept in midair hidden in an invisibility cloak, and he tackled his grandfather to the floor, holding the knife to his throat.
"What do you have to say now, asshole?"
His grandpa's hair suddenly glowed yellow and stood on end, and he began to float in midair as his entire body shone an intense shade of yellow.
"Let me tell you what I'm saiyan!"
Okay, I'm gonna try to take this book and sneak out of the room. I'm a third-person omniscient narrator, so we can finish this book without their tussle becoming a problem for us. Okay, let me just grab it out of Grandpa's rocking ch-
Just as the other narrator laid his hand upon the incredibly enticing storybook, a great cerulean ball of flame shot at it from the opposite side of the room, rendering the book to naught but a pile of ash.
Ah, fuck.
The embodiment of the wise voice turned in the opposite direction to find that the boy was now wearing a white robe, as well as a sleek red headband and a black belt.
"Shoryuken!" shouted the boy as he swiftly delivered an uppercut to his grandpa's chin, knocking out the two teeth that he had left. Much to the old man's surprise, it didn't end there. The boy continued to briefly ascend into the air, his fist still in direct contact with his elder's chin, until finally the boy started to fall back to the floor. His grandpa fell to the floor as well, the expression on his face still just as ogreconfident as it was when he went super saiyan.
"Kill yourself!" The old man took the hands of his grandson in his own, then used the youth's hands as a weapon to kill him. He tried to use the boy's own hands to strangle him to death, but to no avail as the boy utilized his Rocket Fart™ to send himself and his grandpa flying out of the window like a rocket. They could be seen flying off into the distance briefly, until they started to approach the ogredramatic horizon of the sunset. After a few seconds, they could be seen no more, leaving behind naught but the vile odor of gas expelled from the boys's anus. The gaseous anal expulsion was a rank stench, indeed.
Hey, Green Narrator.
Yes?
I just realized that the book was burned to shreds.
Ah... that is most unfortunate. I fear we will, from here on out, be incapable of finishing the story!
Yeah.
The end...?
No.
Well, Green Narrator, I think we're gonna have to improvise if we're ever gonna see the end of this story.
I know Twilight Sparkle just said we're gonna have to improvise, but now she's actually going to have to improvise. Now that she is free from the almighty shackles of text known as "words" which controlled her every action, perhaps she will now be able to utilize her free will to really and truly improvise.
Let us travel to the land of Equestria...
Narrator warp! GO!!
Twilight left the palace of the pony province's pothead princess when suddenly, a giant burst of magic of unknown origin could be seen above all of Equestria. The wave was no color, but it was clear that magic was at work, and anyone could have guessed from the ripples throughout the air, skies, and every object and pony across the land. Of course, this did not escape Twilight's notice and she acknowledged it with a very loud–
"What the flying horse fuck?!"
All of the nobles and upper class townsfolk in the city quickly averted their gaze from the magical ripples and fixated their eyes on one giant, screaming mutual focus point: Twilight.
The judgmental upper-class ponies all murmured and snickered at the potty-mouthed alicorn princess. She frowned at all of them, and cringed at the fact that ponies could be so disrespectful to people just because they were wealthy, and that they hoarded their wealth, not giving a single bit away to starving fillies and colts, those selfish money-stealing fucks, can't give a single bit back to society at all, can they?! Why, she oughta–
"Fuck you up the asshole with a screwdriver while filing your nails with a damn bone saw!"
Twilight suddenly began to lose her balance, as did the other ponies around her. The sky began to flash light and dark repeatedly and another magical surge burst out, this time directly from the point where Twilight was standing, and it created more ripples in the air and knocked Twilight off of her hooves, right onto her face. After a few second, the magic waves stopped.
"Aaaah... fuck." Twilight finally used her forehooves to pick herself up from the dirty ground after a few moments. A unicorn mare in the back of the crowd surrounding Twilight suddenly let out a blood-curdling shriek, as did the other ponies in the crowd right after. Pure pony pandemonium broke out within a few seconds and Twilight was completely confused as to why.
After a few moments of standing calmly still looking for signs of disaster, Twilight spotted five mares minus one white unicorn breaking through the commotion to head towards her.
"Girls, what the bloody assfuck is going on in this snotty fucking town?"
"Ohmygoshohmygoshohmygoshohmygosh, TWILIGHT! You HAVE to come see this! There's this super cool hole in the center of town! It's like, oOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoO! And it's like so awesome and like there's nothing in it but maybe it goes to another universe and–"
"It's an anomaly in space, our universe is basically fucked..." muttered the inferior butterscotch pony, who needs to kill herself before she puts others in danger.
Twilight used her magic to zip up both Fluttershy's and Pinkie Pie's mouths. While she was at it, she decided to rip out one of Fluttershy's teeth before she zipped her mouth shut, just for funsies with friendsies.
"Okay, you stupid hoes, let's get to the fucking dead ass center of town, you wailing cuntbags!" Twilight began to gallop down to the center of Canterlot immediately to scout for the problem.
Well, this was bad.
Twilight had never seen anything like it in all of her years of studying books about anomalies in space.
Right where the statue of Chancellor Puddinghead had once stood, there was now a giant gaping hole in the ground.
But it was no normal hole.
Everything in that particular space was gone, and all that was there was a jagged shape, that was the color white and nothing else. It did not produce light, nor was it dark on the inside.
A few brave ponies, as well as the Mane Si- er, Five, remained walking around and observing the strange abnormality that had randomly appeared.
It was as if Equestria was naught but a piece of paper, and someone ripped a little piece of paper out right in this particular spot, leaving nothing but... a blank, empty spot. Which, technically, seeing as the space that was once present in that particular spot has literally been stripped from the material plane, means that nothing exists there, nothing can exist, and technically, the "space" does not exist.
It was just one big fucking problem, waiting to happen.
"I have feared this day for many an eon."
Twilight turned around to notice that Luna's formidable presence was now standing directly above her own. Upon seeing her, she jumped a little, then crouched down, seeing as Luna was basically right on top of her.
"Twilight, you must come with me. There is a lot of explaining to be done if our world shan't be reduced to naught but a smoldering white emptiness."
Twilight nodded, deciding not to say something vulgar, and she followed Luna, as well as her friends.
Twilight had found herself in this beautiful room about 10 minutes ago, and her mouth was still gaping in sheer awe at the great sight to behold.
It was the largest library she had ever seen, and–
"Holy fucking shit."
Well said, Twilight. Well said.
Holy fucking shit, indeed, the library was perhaps 20 stories tall, and was as long as, well, she couldn't really tell, because she couldn't even see the opposite edge of the book bonanza. Luna was staring out of a window as Twilight stood behind her, and the other four were simply exploring the library.
"Okay, okay.. o-fucking-kay, so Luna, why in fuck's shit-coated dick did you call me here?"
"Twilight... we have a problem," said Luna as she glared out of the window of her secret hidden library.
"And what the fuck is said problem?"
Luna looked at Twilight grimly, and Twilight was taken slightly aback.
"Due to forces beyond our control..."
Twilight looked up at Luna attentively, her unnaturally huge eyes creeping the shit out of Luna.
Luna turned back around and looked back out the window, because she knew that Twilight wasn't prepared for what would come next.
"The world we live in... is... surreal."
Twilight angled her head a bit, making a very kawaii face as a question mark appeared above her head.
"You see.. this world, as far as I know, is... a book. Everything that you know, have done, have forgotten, or any of the like, is all in control of an ancient text that the Equestria Ancients know only as..."
Luna suddenly cocked her head back to look at Twilight really intensely.
"The prophecy."
Twilight did nothing. She continued to stare as if in a trance.
"Little do you know, you have no free will. Neither do I. Me and my sister have had to live for thousands of years, knowing that the future is set in stone for us, laid about by someone almighty and powerful, and, ideally, cruel."
Twilight's face had become visibly paler.
"Every event that has, is, and will happen has been laid out by the prophecy. We can not change the prophecy, and the prophecy makes our decisions."
Twilight looked like she had just lost all the color in her coat. "So... I'm.. not.. I'm not fucking real? I'm not a real damn pony with free fuckin' will and an actual dumbass life? My whole fucking life is just... a plan?"
Luna looked back at Twilight and snorted a little bit.
"Not anymore."
Twilight's ears perked up a bit at the prospect of not being some otherworldly being's playtoy. "Wait, what the hell do you mean by, 'Not anymore?'"
Luna turned her whole body around to look at Twilight. "I'm not sure, exactly. All I know for sure is, the magic surge from earlier was a direct result of some sort of... change to the prophecy."
Twilight looked more interested than ever. "And that fucking change is?"
"There doesn't appear to be one."
Twilight stood up and clapped her hooves and cheered giddily.
"But, there's a problem with that." Twilight stopped immediately.
"You see, like I had said earlier, this world's past, present, and future was mapped out completely by this great and powerful text. In other words, this world was crafted specifically to carry out the will of whoever wrote this prophecy. But now, since the prophecy is, well, gone..."
Twilight's eyes drooped. "Well, I'll be damned, there's always fucking more!" exclaimed Twilight as she stomped her forehooves on the floor of the library, almost foaming through her teeth.
Luna grimaced.
"This universe, now rendered useless by the absence of its only purpose, will soon cease to exist."