Hold-ups and Holding It
“I’m sorry, miss. No outside food or drink is allowed onboard,” said the young stallion that stood at the front of the line.
Pinkie Pie reached a hoof back a bit and tapped it against the large barrel-like object that was strapped to her back. She bit down against the crazy, multi-colored swizzle-straw that connected the large beverage container to her mouth and sucked in a mouthful of sweet liquid. Her eyes narrowed as she stared at the colt.
“Miss? There are others waiting behind you. You’ll need to get out of line or throw away the beverage.”
Pinkie gulped faster and faster, the sound of the liquid going through the straw becoming louder, like water going through a hose. She finally released her lips from the straw and gasped for breath. “Whew! Almost done! Hang on!” she shouted, and then went back to gulping.
“Come on! What’s the holdup?” a pony yelled from further back.
“Mmmm! MMMFFFMMMM MMMMFFNNNMMMMM!” Pinkie shouted back, waving her hoof in the air, still sucking down the beverage. Finally, a loud slurping sound came from the container on her back. She swallowed down the last of the drink and then gasped once more.
The attendant raised an eyebrow and sighed. “Miss?”
“Yep! All done! Here ya go!” Pinkie said, and then pulled the barrel off of her back. She handed it to the stallion and then bounced past him into the train.
“There you are,” Twilight said as Pinkie arrived in the train car where they had all gathered. “What was that all about?”
“I paid twelve bits for that extra-large sarsaparilla! No way am I not gonna finish it!” she said and then licked her lips. “And I gotta tell ya, it was delightful!”
Twilight rolled her eyes. “Anyway, we’re on our way to Dodge Junction. I just hope this lead ends up being good.”
“It has to be, darling,” Rarity reassured Twilight. “We’re sure to find Applejack when we get there.”
“I hope so,” Twilight said as she sat down next to Rarity.
“Yeah, but why would AJ go to Dodge Junction, anyway?” Rainbow Dash asked. “There’s no rodeo happening there.”
“Maybe she has a friend there,” Fluttershy said quietly.
“That letter didn’t say anything about a friend,” Rainbow said, crossing her hooves.
“The letter didn’t say much of anything, girls,” Twilight interjected. “It’s best not to speculate. We’ll be able to ask her in person once we get there.”
The train started moving along the tracks, eventually picking up speed. Rainbow Dash was quickly distracted by the scenery flashing past, Twilight had brought a book and was reading, Rarity had a pair of needles and was doing crochet, and Fluttershy looked like she was about to fall asleep. Pinkie fidgeted in her seat, the boredom getting to her and the sudden rush of sugar from the sarsaparilla keeping her pretty wired.
After a long while, the train conductor’s voice came over the loudspeaker. “Attention passengers, there may be some slight bumps up ahead, but it’s nothing to worry about. Please remain seated.”
On cue with the conductor’s message, the train hit bump after bump. Twilight perked her head up and looked around. “What’s with these bumps? Is it normal for train tracks to be this… bumpy?”
“The conductor came over the speaker and said there would be some, Twilight. Were you not listening?” Rarity responded.
Twilight shook her head. “I guess I was so absorbed in my book, I didn’t even hear it.”
Rarity nodded her head and went back to her crochet.
B-BUMP!
The train hit another particularly large bump. Pinkie could feel the liquid inside her stomach sloshing around. She could practically hear it in there.
B-BUMP-B-BUMP!
Pinkie’s eyes went wide as she came to a sudden realization. “Um… Twilight?” Pinkie asked nervously.
Twilight didn’t respond and Rarity, who was sitting right next to her, sighed and tapped her shoulder. Twilight turned her head and saw Rarity pointing back towards Pinkie. She blinked a couple times before speaking. “Yes, Pinkie?”
“How long is this train ride, again?”
“Tell me about it!” Rainbow Dash jumped into the conversation. “This is taking forever! I’m so bored!”
Fluttershy looked up at Rainbow Dah and smiled. “Really? I think it’s relaxing. Well, other than those bumps.”
B-BUMP!!
The train hit another big bump, almost as if it was in response to Fluttershy’s statement. Pinkie cringed, her face contorting weirdly.
“See? Look at Pinkie! She’s so bored she’s making faces,” Rainbow said, laughing.
“Well, the trip is about two hours, they said. Give or take,” Twilight finally answered Pinkie’s original question.
“And how long have we been going?” Pinkie asked.
Twilight shrugged and tapped her hoof against her book. “I couldn’t tell you. I’ve been lost in my book.”
“It’s been at least two hours already!” Rainbow lamented. “Maybe more!”
“It’s been about an hour,” Fluttershy said calmly.
“Precisely so,” Rarity confirmed.
Pinkie began to feel panic creeping up on her. “Is there a… you know… little filly’s room on this train?”
Twilight laughed and nodded. “That sarsaparilla catching up to you finally?”
Pinkie just nodded her head back.
“Yes, I saw it when we got on. It’s just one car back, though I think it’s a ‘fillies and cots’ room, you know?”
Pinkie didn’t even stick around for the explanation. She bolted back towards the entry door and spotted the restroom door just a bit down from it. She slid to a stop in front of it and pulled against the handle, but it didn’t budge. She knocked quickly a few times against the door. The sound of a stallion clearing his throat came from behind the door.
“Occupied.”
Pinkie began to dance in place, wiggling back and forth. After a couple minutes had passed, she decided to run back a few more cars and see if there was another restroom. After running the entire length of the train, she finally found it. Hanging on the door was a big sign that read “OUT OF ORDER”.
She could practically feel liquid pushing up against her eyeballs she had to go so bad.
“Wait a minute,” Pinkie said to herself. She took a deep breath and stopped fidgeting. “Just remember what Granny Pie used to say when you were a filly.”
The image of her grandmother appeared in her mind, smiling gently down at her. “Pinkie, you’ve got to just keep calm, learn to hold it in.”
That wouldn’t make a very good song at all, Pinkie thought to herself. Anyway, if I recall, there was a special technique for keeping your mind off it. What was that, again?
“Just remember, don’t think about it, and don’t think about liquids,” Granny Pie’s voice came to her again. “Instead, think about solid foods. That always helped me, anyway.”
Granny, that is just really weird, Pinkie thought. But It’s worth a shot.
Pinkie took a deep breath. “Asparagus!” she said loudly. She calmly walked back through the train cars, other passengers eyeing her strangely. For one, she’d just run through in a panic, and now she was walking back through while reciting food names.
“Mushrooms. Hay fries. Cupcakes. Broccolini! Ooh, that’s a good one. Spinach!”
Walking past the first restroom, she stopped to knock on the door again. “Cucumbers,” she said through the door.
“What?” the same stallion’s voice responded.
“Peaches,” she responded, taking another deep breath and then returning to the car where her friends were seated. She plopped back down in her own seat and breathed in deeply.
“Did you find it?” Rainbow Dash asked.
“Yeah, but I have to wait my turn,” she said. “It’s okay, though, because of Granny Pie’s secret technique.”
“Secret technique?” Rainbow Dash questioned.
“Cranberries,” Pinkie replied plainly.
Rainbow shrugged and went back to looking out the window.
Pinkie relaxed and continued to think about solid foods.
After a while, the conductor’s voice came over the loudspeaker again. “Attention passengers. We are now passing Neighagra Falls. If you look to your left, you will see it just in the distance. This is the largest waterfall in all of Equestria. Hundreds of thousands of gallons of water spill over every second, feeding into one of the largest river systems in the nation.”
Pinkie couldn’t stop herself. She turned her head and stared into the flowing falls. She instantly felt pressure building between her legs once again. She was practically seeing yellow now a she recited her mantra of food names in her head.
Cabbage, lettuce, tomatoes, cotton candy, taffy, wheat bread, rye bread, oatmeal, cereal, milk... Oh no!
“No! Not milk!” Pinkie shouted in a panic. Everypony turned and stared at her.
“Pinkie, are you okay?” Twilight asked.
Pinkie shook her head and bolted out of the car, back towards the restroom. “He’s gotta be out of there by now!” she said. She slid to a stop in front of the door and banged against it.
“Occupied.”
“Augh! But it’s a potty emergency!” she shouted at the door.
The door unlocked and opened. A stallion wearing a brimmed hat stuck his head out, a wrench in his mouth. “Wow, that is really unfortunate,” he said. “I’ve been in here working on fixing the pipes.
Pinkie’s jaw fell open. “Fixing the pipes?”
“Right. What are the chances that they’d put two cars on this train with the restrooms out of order? We didn’t have time to get things swapped out before the schedule departure time, either, so we just had to roll with it and fix them on the go.”
“Well, how long will it take to fix?” Pinkie asked nervously.
The stallion shrugged. “Hard to say. Things are pretty messed up in here.”
Pinkie fidgeted. “Maybe I can help you!” She pulled the door, but the stallion resisted, pulling it back closed.
“No!” he shouted, locking the door. “You, uh… can’t come in here! Trust me!”
“CELERY!” Pinkie screamed, and then ran through the cars toward the back of the train to the other restroom again.
I can’t hold it! I have to find somewhere, anywhere! She thought as she ran toward the back of the train. She arrived at the other restroom with the “OUT OF ORDER” sign on it. She reached a hoof toward the handle. Maybe it’s not locked. Maybe it’s not as bad as the other one.
She stopped as her hoof nearly touched the knob. Wait! What if it’s out of order for… other reasons? She thought. She moved her nose close to the door jamb and sniffed the air. Well, it doesn’t smell like it. She pressed her hoof against the knob and turned. The knob resisted with a click. It was locked.
“Shoot!” she said.
“HMMMM! HMMM HMMMM!” a voice came from inside the restroom.
“What? Who’s there?”
“HMMMPH MMMMMPPHH!”
Pinkie blushed. “Do what now?”
There was a moment of silence, and then the sound of a chain clanking inside the restroom and more muffled shouting. “NNMMMMPH! HMMMPH!”
“Ohhh! Help you! I thought you said… nevermind!” Pinkie said. “Wait, help you? Who are you?”
The sound of slight sobbing came from the restroom in response. Pinkie glanced to either side of her to see if anypony was looking, and then she kicked the door as hard as she could. Luckily, the door was fairly flimsy, and it bent enough to push it open. On the other side of the door was a stallion with his hooves in cuffs wrapped around the toilet and tape over his mouth. He was wearing a uniform. From the looks of it, he was some sort of security guard. Pinkie quickly ran in and ripped the tape from his mouth.
“Thank you,” the pony said, adjusting himself on the ground. “Look, there’s been some trouble. There’s two criminals on this train. They locked me in here and shackled me to the toilet. I don’t suppose you have anything that can cut chains, do you?”
Pinkie shook her head, her eyes locked onto the toilet bowl. “This is terrible!” she shouted.
“I know,” the stallion responded. “You have to find a way to get me out of here.”
“Oh, trust me, I know!” Pinkie said, still staring at the toilet. “I gotta go so bad, you have no idea!”
“You had better be careful,” he said. “Your life is in danger.”
“My bladder is in danger! Of busrsting!”
“Look, I hate to ask this of you, but…” he started, but was interrupted.
“Look, I hate to ask this of you, but could you maybe just lie real low on the ground? And look away? Seriously, I gotta go.”
The stallion stared at Pinkie, dumbfounded. “There’s not enough room, anyway! It’s too cramped in here!” he practically shouted.
“Well, get used to it!” a voice came from behind Pinkie.
“It’s them!” the shackled stallion yelled.
“What should we do about her, boss?” the voice asked.
Pinkie turned and saw two stallions standing on either side of her in the hallway. One of them was the repair pony from the other restroom. “Oh, hey! Is the other restroom fixed, now?” she asked.
“Sure,” the repair pony replied as he grabbed a pipe wrench from his bag.
“She knows too much, now,” the other pony said. “She’ll have to be silenced.”
Pinkie glanced over her shoulder at the other pony, who was wearing the conductor’s cap. “Hey, you’re not the conductor!” she said.
“Get her!” he shouted, and leapt at the pink pony. Pinkie turned her head forward again and saw the pony with the wrench swinging it at her. She ducked down to the ground and kicked her hind legs back, smashing the pony with the conductor’s cap right in the face. He fell backwards from the impact. Pinkie slid into the restroom, barely avoiding the wrench at it came down and struck the floor. The repair pony glared into the restroom.
“Get the pipe! We can use to to break these cuffs!” the shackled pony shouted.
“You can’t break those cuffs!” the repair pony yelled back.
“UUUUAAAAAAHHHHH!” Pinkie screamed. “I just wanna pee! Brussel sprouts!”
The repair pony blinked with confusion as he rose back up. Pinkie shot back up to her hooves and smashed her forehead right into the repair pony’s chest, knocking the wind out of him.
“Look out!” the shackled pony shouted. Pinkie looked up over the repair pony, who was now kissing the floor, and saw the other pony leaping over him, a metal baton in his mouth. Pinkie hugged the ground and slid forward. The conductor pony tumbled forward, swinging the baton down. It smashed into the toilet, breaking it to pieces.
Pinkie looked over her shoulder and saw pieces of white porcelain flying through the air. “NOOOOOO!” she shouted. “Carrots!!” She squeezed her hind legs together as she shouted the food’s name, feeling as though she could lose control at any moment.
The previously chained pony was now free from the toilet, though still cuffed. He swung his hooves up and clocked the conductor pony across the jaw, smashing his head into the wall. He fell to the floor, unconscious, on top of Pinkie.
Pinkie let out a grunt and squeezed her legs together even tighter. She noticed a key lying on the ground and grabbed it. She pushed the pony off of her and stood up. The repair pony was still on the ground, gripping his chest. Pinkie managed to turn around. The shackled stallion was holding the metal baton in his mouth. He put his hooves on the sink and smashed down against the chain between his forelegs with the baton, smashing one of the links in two. He looked at Pinkie and noticed the key in her mouth.
“Good job! That’s the key to the other restroom!” he said with a smile.
Pinkie didn’t need to hear anything else. A puff of smoke was left in her wake as she sped off, barreling through the cars toward the front restroom. She quickly pushed the key into the keyhole, turned it, and opened the door.
Her jaw dropped in shock. “What is this!?” she shouted. “Avocado!”
The toilet was filled to the point of overflowing with bits. Several other burlap sacks of money sat in and around the sink. Pinkie squinted toward the bit-filled toilet.
Nopony would ever know… they’d just smell kinda funny… she thought, and began to close the door behind her. She laughed slightly, her eye twitching. The door wouldn’t close, though. The guard pony had walked up behind her.
“Good job! They stashed all the stolen money in here. I’ll take command from here on out. Those two criminals have been cuffed and chained in the back,” he said. “Thank you so much. I’ll make sure you’re rewarded.”
Pinkie sighed, feeling as though she’d lose the will to live at any second. “Whatever. You’re welcome,” she said, and then calmly walked back toward the car where her friends were at. “Zucchini.”
The guard pony gazed down the hall at her. “What is with her and the food naming thing?” he pondered aloud. “What a strange mare.”
Pinkie walked back into the passenger car and took her seat once again. She sighed and fidgeted in her seat.
“I hope this lead doesn't turn out to be a dead end. I don't wanna go home empty-hooved after promising we'd find her,” Rainbow Dash said.
Fluttershy shook her head. “I don’t know how we’ll break it to the Apple family.”
Twilight closed her book and glanced out the window briefly. “I don’t know how we’ll break it to Ponyville!”
Pinkie crossed her legs and squirmed. “I don’t know how I’ll make it to the next stop!”
As if on cue, the train began to slow down as she said that. It eventually creaked to a halt.
“This is Dodge Junction, girls,” Twilight announced, rising from her seat. “Applejack is supposed to have come here after the rodeo ended. Let’s fan out and try to find her.”
Pinkie didn’t need to hear another word. She bolted from the train along with her friends out into the streets of Dodge Junction. As she left the train, the guard pony poked his head into the passenger car and raised his hoof towards the exit.
“Miss! Wait!” he shouted. “I never got to properly… Thank you…” He said, trailing off as Pinkie blazed away. He shrugged and proceeded back to the rear of the train to collect the criminals.
Meanwhile, outside, Pinkie had finally found an outhouse and was knocking furiously on the door.
“Ooh! Pickles!” Pinkie shouted anxiously as she knocked. “Hurryhurryhurryhurryhurry! Hurry it up in there!”
The sound of a toilet flushing came from inside. The door opened a second later and Applejack emerged. Pinkie didn’t even glance at the orange earth pony but for a fraction of a second and then sped into the outhouse, shutting the door behind her.
“Huh, some ponies. Sheesh,” Applejack muttered.
“Applejack!” Pinkie screamed, poking her head back out of the stall. “I found her! I found her! I found her! I found her! I found her!” Pinkie shouted as she bounced alongside Applejack towards the others.
“Oh, Applejack, thank heavens!” Rarity exclaimed with a smile.
Fluttershy breathed a sigh of relief. “We’re so glad you’re safe!”
“I found her! I found her! I found her! I found her!” Pinkie shouted some more while bouncing through the air. On the last bounce, she suddenly realized that the pressure in her belly had reached the breaking point. “Be right back!”
Pinkie shot back into the stall and shut the door behind her. It would be in poor taste to go into great detail, but Pinkie had never felt so relieved in all her life.
“Lemonade…” Pinkie said along with a heavy breath. “Thank Celestia, I can think of something besides food.”
Her stomach grumbled. “Shoot… Now I’m hungry. Cherries sound pretty good. I wonder if they have any here.”
The End