//------------------------------// // Princess POOP // Story: Ernest Saves Equestria // by Emerald Harp //------------------------------// After the hospital party, Pinkie Pie left to prepare for Ernest’s Welcome to Ponyville Party. Rarity went back to her salon to check on Sweetie Belle, leaving Twilight to escort Ernest around town. As Troll Fighter One and Twilight exited the infirmary, Ernest asked the Princess, “So who do you think is going to be at this shindig, Your Majesty?” “Well, I would expect Rainbow Dash to be there. She wouldn’t miss a party thrown by Pinkie. Applejack and her brother, Big Macintosh, might show up after their chores are finished. Mr. and Mrs. Cake have graciously agreed to provide the food and drinks for the party, so you’ll be seeing them. Other than those ponies, I can’t think of anypony else who will be attending,” Twilight said thoughtfully. “We never had somepony like you here before, so we kept the party small.” Ernest nodded his head and said smugly, “Nope, I wouldn’t reckon you get very many people like yours truly. I am a man apart from other men. I’m a lone wolf who survives by his wits alone. A stout boatman adrift through the backwater of time. A. . .” “I get the picture,” Twilight interrupted gently. The alicorn had learned that if you didn’t cut him off, he would just keep rambling on. As the pair walked down the dirt road to the edge of Ponyville, Ernest looked all around him with wide child-like eyes. Unicorns, pegasi, and earth ponies were everywhere. He didn’t know what to look at first. Should he watch the flying horses clear clouds? Should he watch the unicorns levitate objects? Or maybe watch earth ponies carry twice their own body weight without breaking a sweat. He couldn’t make up his mind, so his eyes darted from pony to pony creepily. “It’s quite a sight, isn’t it? I wish I could see what you’re seeing through your eyes.” Ernest blinked and realized that Twilight was talking to him. He became aware that he was staring with his mouth open, making some of the ponies that passed by leery of getting too close. “Yeah, I’ve never seen so many kinds of horses in one place before. Except maybe at that rainbow-glue factory I worked at a few years ago.” The last sentence Ernest said was muttered to himself. “What did you say, Ernest? I didn’t catch that last part.” “Oh, nothing, Your Highness, just talking to myself. Sometimes I even get a response. You know what I mean?” Twilight shook her head and decided not to reply. “Twilight! Hey, Twilight!” Off in the distance a small green and lavender lizard was bounding up the road toward the Princess and the human. Ernest shielded his eyes and squinted to get a better look at what was coming their way. “What is that?” “That’s Spike. He’s my assistant over at the library.” The sanitation engineer tore his eyes off the small lizard. “You’re the librarian here? I thought you lived in a palace in Camelot, and you were just visiting me.” Sighing, the alicorn replied, “It’s pronounced Canterlot. I studied magic at Canterlot under Princess Celestia. When I finished my studies, I was assigned to Ponyville as the new librarian to learn about the Magic of Friendship.” Ernest still had a confused look on his face. “But, you’re a Princess now, right? Not that I don’t mind your company, Your Majesty, but shouldn’t you be doing more important things then keeping an eye on little old me? Like . . . I don’t know, knighting people, visiting foreign countries, making sure everyone has an umbrella handy in case a pegasus can’t make it to the bathroom? I don’t know about you, but I feel kind of exposed out here underneath the tails of so many horses. Twilight bit back an angry retort. Ernest hadn’t meant to, but he had struck a raw nerve with the Princess. She did want to go to other places, and to be treated like royalty, and have duties that were actually important. Instead, she replied, “Don’t worry about the pegasus, Ernest. That rarely happens.” Before Ernest could ask another question, Spike had closed the distance. He stood there panting as he craned his neck to look up at the tall biped. “So, this is the human, huh?” Twilight quickly shushed Spike and made sure no other pony had heard him. She hissed to the baby dragon, “He’s not a human. He’s a pony practicing for Nightmare Night. Remember?” Spike looked down at his feet in embarrassment and said, “Sorry, Twilight.” He then looked up at Ernest and said, “Wow, that’s some costume you have on there, mister. What’s your secret? How did you make it?” Puffing himself up, Ernest replied, “Well, Spike, the secret to getting a cutting edge physique like mine is to eat the four basic food groups: bananas, chocolate, prune juice, and baked beans. Also, get plenty of fiber. If you follow these simple steps, you’ll be looking like me in no time. A lean, mean, troll-hunting machine.” Whispering to Twilight, Spike asked, “Is he being serious right now?” Twilight sighed and nodded. “So what’s up, Spike? Is Pinkie ready for the guest of honor?” “Yeah, she just now finished preparing. I was just passing through town when she tackled me and asked me to tell you that she was ready. I’ve never seen so many ponies at Sugarcube Corner! The whole place is packed.” Twilight replied angrily, “What?! I told her to keep the party small! What the hay is she thinking?! Does anypony listen to me anymore?! This is going to be a disaster! The whole buckin’ town is going to be there, and . . .” Both Spike and Ernest took an unconscious step back from the upset alicorn. As Twilight vented her frustration on two scared looking ponies that got too close, Ernest turned to Spike and asked worriedly, “So, uh Spike, what goes on at these kinds of get-togethers? Are there any games, any dancing, you know, stuff like that?” “Oh, yeah, you’ve never been to a Pinkie Party before. You’re in for a real treat. Pinkies’s parties are as random as they are fun. Plus you have the added benefit of meeting the entire town.” Noticing Ernest had a nervous look on his face, Spike continued, “Relax, it’ll be fun, as long as you don’t kiss anypony.” “Oh, don’t worry about that. My lips are sealed. And I don’t mind meeting the town folk. As long as they don’t want to blindfold me, tie me up, and hit me with sticks.” “Why would they do that?” Spike asked. “It happened one time when I was a camp counselor. The kids said that they needed a piñata, and I volunteered. At the time I thought a piñata was Spanish for clown, but boy was I wrong. Spike just looked at Ernest and said, “I don’t think you have to worry about that.” “Oh good,” Ernest replied relieved. “I’ve been dreading that all day.” As the human finished sharing his traumatic experience as a party favor, Twilight had calmed down enough to mutter, “Alright you two, let’s head over there.” As the group got moving, Twilight noticed that Spike looked tired from his run. “Do you need a ride, Spike?” Knowing that Twilight was still pretty upset over the party, he replied, “No thanks. I can walk, it’s not that far. I’m . . . .” Before Spike could say more, Ernest stepped up to the baby lizard and said, “I’ve got this, Your Highness.” With that, Ernest picked Spike up and set him on his shoulders. At first, Spike was scared about being up so high on a complete stranger’s shoulders. For that matter, so was Twilight. However, after a few seconds Spike said, “Wow, this is a pretty good view. Thanks, Ernest.” “Don’t mention it,” Ernest wheezed as he swayed left and right trying to balance Spike’s deceptively enormous weight. “Are you okay?” the princess asked. “Oh, yeah. He’s just a bit heavier than I thought. I can do it.” After several painful steps, he asked, “What does he eat anyway? It feels like I got a sack of broken glass sitting on my neck.” “I eat gems, nice tasty gems, diamonds, sapphires, emeralds, rubies . . . you know, stuff like that.” “Hmmm, you might want to get that checked out. That doesn’t sound too good for a lizard,” Ernest stated as he struggled forward. “I’m a dragon, not a lizard,” Spike replied indignantly. Ernest stopped dead in his tracks, “Well I’ll be a son of a troll; I’m carrying a living, breathing dragon. J.R.R. Tolkein eat your heart out.” As Ernest said this, Twilight muttered to herself, “Oh, and meeting a Princess of Equestria wasn’t the highlight of the day? It figures.” A few minutes later, the three companions walked into the heart of Ponyville, and as Spike had stated, Sugarcube Corner was packed. Twilight said to the sanitation engineer, “Now remember, Ernest, don’t say anything about humans. You are a pony in a costume.” “What kind of costume?” Ernest asked. Twilight paused as she bit her lip and thought. After a few seconds, she asked, “You have any ideas, Spike?” Spike giggled and said jokingly, “How about a shaved minotaur?” “What? That’s horri--, Well, I honestly can’t think of anything better. Fine, he’s a minotaur. Let’s just hope Iron Will doesn’t come to town anytime soon,” replied Twilight. “Now hold on guys. Do I really look like a shaved cow that walks on its hind legs?” Ernest gasped as he shifted Spike’s weight. Dodging the question, Twilight declared, “Let’s go. They’re waiting on us.” Cringing, Ernest plodded toward the colossal gingerbread house. As the group opened the door and crossed over the threshold into the bakery, Ernest’s thoughts rampaged across his mind. Oh, What do I do? What do I say? Should I call them horses or ponies? If they don’t talk, how do I tell the boys from the girls? Oh, I’ll just look between their legs. Can they smell fear? I wish I had something to read from. At that moment Spike felt a deep rumbling in his stomach. The baby dragon let out a huge belch that was barely heard above the den of the collected ponies’ loud voices. “Did you say something?” Ernest asked. “No, uh, nothing,” Spike replied clumsily as he tried to pat out the spreading fire. All the ponies in the room noticed Ernest arrival since he was the only thing in the room standing on two legs. A hushed murmur of curiosity quickly spread through the ponies. They were unsure what to make of the strange biped with smoke coming from his head. Ernest was about to say something off the cuff when a piece of parchment landed from out of nowhere into his hands. Delighted, Ernest unrolled the paper and whispered to Twilight, “Hey, thanks for the note. I was kind of wondering if you wanted me to say something in particular. You know what I mean?” “Yeah, sure Ernest. Wait, what? What do you mean?” Twilight asked as she looked up curiously at the human. But it was too late. In a loud voice, Ernest had begun reading. Dear Princess Twilight, Fine. Since you keep insisting on having a title, you shall hence forth be known as Twilight Sparkle, Princess of Panicking Over Ordinary Problems, or POOP for short. Yes, you are the Princess of POOP, since that’s all you ever do. Sincerely, Princess of the Sun and Everything the Light Touches, Celestia The ponies roared with laughter when Ernest had finished reading the letter. Some were laughing so hard they were crying. Twilight could not believe what was happening. She put her wings in front of her face so no one could see how embarrassed she was. When Ernest finished reading, he was very confused. He wondered why the Princess had given him this strange letter to read. And why was she hiding behind her wings? However, before he could ask these questions, the smell of burning hat drifted by his nose. “Hey, Spike, just wondering, can you breathe . . . ?” “Fire!” Somepony screamed, drowning out Ernest’s question. The cry was taken up by several panicked ponies seconds later. “Yeah, what they said,” Ernest finished. Spike didn’t answer; instead he jumped off Ernest’s shoulders. “Now where are you going? Come back. I’m not accusing you of anything. I’m just wondering,” Ernest said. Small hands shook Twilight out of her self pity. “Snap out of it, Twilight. We’ve got a problem.” The princess peeked out from her wings to see a panicking Spike frantically gesturing at Ernest’s head. The human’s hat was nearly engulfed in flames. “Ernest, don’t move! Your hat is on fire!” Twilight yelled. “Are you sure? I thought that was just me being nervous. Ya know what I mean?” The human asked. Noticing a mirror to his left, he looked at it and then let out a piercing scream. “WWWWHHHHHHAAAAAAAAAA--------.” Ernest’s scream was cut short as a large piece of pie hit him in the face, sending him crashing to the floor. He was hit so hard, he forgot about the fire burning on top of his head. Ernest brought his hands up and put a piece of the sugary treat in his mouth as he got to his feet. “Mmmmm, this is great.” Twilight looked to see who threw the pastry. She was not surprised when she saw a multi-colored pegasus hovering above the ground with another pie in-between her hooves. “Come on everypony. Let’s put out the fire.” “Rainbow Dash, wait!” Twilight shouted. But it was far too late. Following Rainbow’s lead, Ernest was brought to his knees as he was pelted from all sides by ponies wielding cake, ice cream, pies, and fruit. Some of the ponies, thinking that this was a food fight, began to throw their tasty missiles at each other. “Everypony, St--!” Twilight’s scream was cut short as Derpy Hooves dropped a whole cake on top of her head. As Ernest tried to regain his footing once again, a reddish orange pony with a yoke around his neck sat on Ernest’s chest pinning him to the floor. Meanwhile an orange mare with a cowboy hat had appeared with a punch bowl. She dumped the entire contents of the bowl on his head. The orange pony then screamed, “QUIET, YOU DANG FOALS!!” This got the attention of everypony in the building, and the food fight died down. “Ernest, I’m so sorry. Are you alright?” Twilight asked as she came to Ernest’s side. “No, he ain’t alright. Look at ‘em.” Applejack replied. “He had everything but the kitchen sink thrown at ‘em, thanks to that dad burned, pie flinging, show pony!!” A split second later, Rainbow Dash was in the earth pony’s face yelling, “I was trying to put out the fire with what I had! Where were you all this time?” “Not trying to kill him with sweets, that’s for sure.” Before Rainbow Dash could reply, the sanitation engineer began to flail around on the ground underneath the huge earth pony. “Uh, Big Mac, ya best get off of ‘em. He’s turnin’ colors.” “Eyup,” Big Mac replied as he got up off the human. Ernest took a very deep breath as he was helped to his feet by the other ponies. The first thing he did was spit out a mouthful of cake. He then removed his hat and saw that only the brim was left of his treasured possession. Spike, the only one who did not have a speck of party food on him, came up to Ernest and said, “I’m sorry about your hat. I honestly didn’t mean to set you on fire. I can’t control when letters from Princess Celestia come, and when they do . . . it kind of makes a mess sometimes.” Ernest turned to Spike and asked, “Is that what that was? I thought those notes were funny. If I’d known you were a walking flaming mailbox, I’d probably have set ya down sooner. You know what I mean?” Spike frowned and looked down at the floor. The human smiled. “Don’t worry about it, Spike. It was an old hat anyway. In fact, keep it. It’s yours. I was going to give it to you anyway. “Really? Thanks, Ernest.” Spike then put what was left of the hat on his head. “I like it.” Twilight came up to Rainbow Dash and glared at her. “Don’t you have something to say too, Rainbow?” The blue pegasus huffed and said, “Fine. I’m sorry I tried to put out the fire while every pony else was standing around staring.” “Rainbow Dash!” Twilight scolded. “It’s okay, Princess. She’s right. If she hadn’t done what she did, I might still be a green torch running around.” “Thank you. My thoughts exactly,” agreed the pegasus. Even though all was forgiven, Twilight could see the weariness and hurt in Ernest’s eyes. Then a barking noise was heard coming from the front door. Ernest turned to see a yellow pegasus cradling a small dog in-between her hooves. “Rimshot?” Ernest asked hopefully. “Is that you?” The pegasus put down the small dog. The beagle yipped happily and scampered up his owner’s legs. Tears of happiness streamed down Ernest’s face as he hugged his dog to his chest. “This is the best party I’ve ever had.”