Vocaloid in Equestria: beta session

by DerpyStarlet


Chapter 18: Quiet Contemplation


I sit in bed and look over to the sleeping forms beside me, I sigh and sit up. They seem to be taking all this extremely well, all things considered. Kaito told us of his citizenship in the crystal empire, which I think is proof of his adjusting well. The main thing on my mind is that they're adjusting well, a little too well. Like their naivety to our resident god of chaos' plans keeps them from thinking about the important stuff, or they just don't realize how bad the situation really is.

I lost myself today, once more. I submitted to the harmony, thanks to everyone else's decision. I lost those moments, I blanked out as soon as the drumstick hit the drums. I know I was good though, I had that feeling of exhilaration a couple moments after I gained control back, then I realized what happened. I ignored that fact and put on a façade of joy to ease everyone, if they know how much I truly fear the harmony, then things could get much more complicated. They will start questioning my fear and I'll have to explain it, thus leading them to the information they don't need quite yet. I look over at the drum set in thought.

Discord gave it to me, through Rin. He doesn't dare interfere directly just in case he messes with the dynamic that makes me important to his experiment, but Rin is a feasible means of delivery. His interaction with them is probably a key point in his plan. I will try as hard as I can not to submit to the music, because I'm sure that it has deteriorating effects. I've already started to notice the small memories lost, and Applejack knows. Envy let loose that strand of information, I'm surprised Applejack never brought it up. She must have forgot in the excitement.

Thinking on the singing and the memory loss, it starts to make sense. My mind is naturally neutral, the whole reason I'm in this experiment. The music, that's even playing now as background noise, is a form of harmony. I can hear the harmony, even if others can't, they feel it. That's why everyone else is so compelled to sing and play their instruments, and why we know how to play instruments now. The harmony is alien, extremely so to me. The others have that magical influence in their veins, but I don't have anything of the sort yet. And I don't plan on getting any if I can help it.

My body is most likely rejecting the harmony trying to invade my brain, but the harmony is fighting its way in. Thus the slight memory loss, casualties to a mental battle. Meanwhile, the foreign harmony is trying to establish it into my being, starting with thoughts. Thus the blank outs every time I sing. As I told Twilight earlier, if I submit then I lose more. I doubt submitting completely will help any, it might just speed up the loss. There's no certainty in any case, so it's best to play it safe.

And playing it safe is not singing or playing anymore. The music that had been playing idly picks up a little at this, but I ignore the temptation. The one thing making it easier for the music is the drums, so they have to go. I don't care if discord got them for me. In fact, all the more reason they need to go. I'm not submitting to his little experiment, I don't need to play by the rules. The rules he never told us. I pick up the drums with finality and carry them out of the room, I carry them down the hall to a balcony. I see Twilight looking out over Ponyville and walk up next to her, she sees me with my drums.

"Hello, Luka. I thought you went to sleep." Twilight greets.

"I have some business to take care of." I look over the balcony and find nopony below. With all the quiet dignity and grace I can muster, I toss the drums over the side and to the ground. Twilight looks at me in shock.

"Why did you do that?" Twilight asks, I contemplate an answer that she'll be satisfied with.

"It's detrimental to my health," I tell her simply.

"A drum set?" Twilight asks in confusion, hurrying over the edge to see the wreckage.

"Just trust me Twilight, there's no way that could have been good for me. I'm losing more, and I won't submit." I tell her, I leave Twilight with that. She just watches me leave, probably thinking on how it could be harmful.

With one problem solved, I turn my thoughts to the reason I'm here at all. The fact that I was chosen by discord because of my neutrality. I think on the reason for my neutrality. The two me's, the one I see and the one everyone else sees. The chaotic innards and the harmonic outwards, both are intricately so for reasons I wouldn't explain to anyone. Unless I felt that they deserved to know and I felt we were great friends. Sadly, no one fits that category, yet. At least, no one I can talk to. Now that I'm not home I've lost connection to many of the people I cared for.

Like my friends. I think on all my friends, but I have this nagging feeling I'm forgetting some. And my family are some of the most important people to me, but I'm cut off from them now too. Like, my brother Corbin, and my two step sisters... uh-oh, I can't remember their names. And I recall one more sibling, but I can't recall them either. Thinking I find out that I'm forgetting more than I used to be forgetting, meaning that my condition is definitely progressing.

Then an unsettling thought comes to mind, what if I never remembered those things? What if I always had a terrible memory and I don't remember? I completely ignore this thought because I remember way too much. It still doesn't distract from the fact that certain memories of my past are blurry or gone. Faces and places sometimes lose names, and sometimes names and places don't have pictures. Sometimes I'm forgetting small things like an eye or hair color, or what our schools mascot was. There's not a whole lot missing, in hindsight, but still enough to be unsettling.

Thinking on the drums I can't remember playing music, but it's a different type of forgetfulness. I can clearly remember that I claimed not to play instruments, but I don't remember not playing an instrument. Or, more like I feel like remembering something I clearly know wasn't in my life before. Like déjà vu kind of, when you recall remembering doing something before, after the thing has been done. No matter what it feels like, it's foreign and I don't like it. I was right to get those drums out, they were affecting me negatively. I lay my thoughts to rest and decide to get some sleep as I enter my own room. It's the room I know Twilight put me in when I broke down after losing myself the first time, and I separates me from the others. They're ok, but I like to be alone more.

A day full of pretending to be excited about things that really terrify me can be taxing, and I'd much rather not act excited. I shouldn't try to delude them by giving them false reassurance that I'm fine and as happy as they are when I'm not. I should stick to remaining calm and giving logical deductions to help them figure out a way to fix this. That doesn't mean don't have fun, it just means I should try to refrain from big emotional skips that a trained eye could quickly deduce as fake. Like how I was clearly distraught by the poison joke, but not hours later I was smiling and rushing to take seats at a table. I sigh at the strained attempt I put on, but if it works, it works.

I lie in the comfortable bed, I would have enjoyed the silence of the room compared to the soft snoring of the other room if I ever really experienced silence anymore. If anything, the music in my ear seems to get louder in the silence. Good thing it conforms to my mood and the mood around me, so it starts to play softly and slowly. Notes drawn out longer and played lighter, a slight thump gently beating against my head. It successfully lulls me into sleep.

~

I sit once again staring at the mirror, it shows me the same pony as before. I sigh and turn away from it, looking out at the nothing surrounding me. I see two ponies walking toward me and I watch them in disinterest. They approach me and I curtsy once more.

"Princesses." I gesture to two chairs in front of me and they accept.

"Greetings, Luka. I hope I'm not interrupting anything," Celestia says.

"Not at all," I reply simply.

"I was hoping we could talk about what you know about your situation," Celestia says.

"I know about a much as the others," I tell her.

"Yes... we found you oddly quiet during the entirety of the conversation. You offered snippets about your world, but you seemed to keep quiet during topics Twilight said you showed knowledge in. Is there a reason for this?" Celestia asks.

"Yes." I answer emotionlessly.

"Wouldst thou mind indulging us?" Luna asks.

"Yes." I reply, the two sisters look at each other.

"I told you she was an oddity. I'm sure you notice the landscape by now, but have you seen the mirror?" Luna asks. Celestia looks behind me and at the mirror she notices the change in hair color so she walks over to the mirror. I spin around to face it and it shows the face of my ponysona once more, Celestia gasps.

"That's... unusual." Celestia finally manages lamely.

"Yep," I spin back to the chairs and Celestia sits down once more.

"Twilight told us you had an episode directly after you played a song with Pinkie Pie, would you mind telling us why?" Celestia tries.

"Yes." I answer once more.

"Why must everything be a secret!" Luna exclaims, leaping up to my face in anger. I wipe a bit of spittle off in disgust, but otherwise keep my calm.

"They are really only theories, I have no proof yet. Though, there is substantial evidence to assume that I'm correct. Besides, your only solutions would probably make the situation worse. The best thing for everyone is to keep me out of direct influence to the deciding factors in his experiment, and I've been doing fairly well so far. I've had three flukes, but that doesn't seem to be enough to destroy that detachment." I tell them.

"And what would those two deciding factors be?" Celestia asks. I bite my lip deciding whether or not to answer.

"Chaos and harmony," I relent.

"And what would discord want to test with those?" Celestia presses.

"I don't know..." I say.

"But thou hast a good idea thou wouldst not like to share?" Luna huffs crossly.

"That is correct. Once you're aware, it's aware that your aware. Unless it can't reach you for some reason." I tell her.

"And... this thing, whatever it is, it can't reach you for some reason?" Celestia asks intuitively.

"I don't think it could reach the other humans either, but I think that it either can, or is on its way to reaching them," I say with a sigh.

"I see, and it is important that... this thing, doesn't know that you know whatever it is you know?" Celestia says.

"Maybe, I don't know. But neither does it, so that's a plus. I hope the others don't fall into its... sight," I tell them.

"Is there any way we could escape its sight? Is it watching now?" Luna asks.

"It's probably watching, but I couldn't prove it. As for the escaping... yes? Maybe? If there is, I don't really know. Maybe if we could destroy its influence, which could be very destructive in itself... so, I would recommend not destroying its reign. Just, maybe, slip out of it? To be honest, there are so many ways I could think of that MIGHT work, but there's also the chance that they won't or are a bad idea. In any case, I think you should think of a safe way. Try not to take any drastic risks, its not that important you escape its reign. For me, its in my best interest just to be safe, but it might not change anything if it knows I know what I know about it... the thing is, nobody knows the answer." I shrug and the two princesses digest this information.

"I see... we shall think on this... but, if we are to escape whatever `it` is, we shall need to know what `it` is." I sigh and think about it. They're right, but I need a way to tell them without `it` knowing. Here has to be a way that I can let them know... but if they know at all then he knows I know. I can't just throw away my trump card because I want to show it off. Being outside means I'm out of influence, I'm like a small blind spot. Can I expand that influence to these two? Probably not forever, and as soon as the influence leaves then he knows. But, the influence it has over me is very strong... maybe I don't have to make them a blind spot...

The concept of me being a blind spot in itself is metaphysical, so the influence I have is metaphysical. But if I act outside of it, I change its plans. If its working as hard as it can to right those plans, then small changes are easily fixed. But a thought is a small change. Change how one person thinks and it can change a lot of things, so I just have to deliver this thought. If a thought, and my influence are metaphysical... hen I should be able to expand my influence into the thought. Keeping the thought out of his eye is the main priority.

The others could concentrate their powers in different ways. Rin was physical, and magical. Kaito was too, I think. But that doesn't limit it, I haven't felt physical or magical enhancements. That magic hasn't gotten to me yet, whatever magic it is has gotten to them. But that doesn't mean I have no power. Friendship is a power here. Mind power, physical power, magical power... but that's just the cusp of it. Let's see if my influence counts as a power.

I concentrate on the thoughts of making myself invisible to `it`. I feel myself growing almost darker, like a shadow obscures me, but a clear shadow. It expands out and I feel it around me. I pull it inwards and focus it on me and the thought, I focus on the influence lasting. I can feel a concept of age engulfing the thought and I take a shot. `Here it goes...` I think to myself, taking a breath.

"It's fate. Fate can't see me," I say, huddling close. Celestia opens her mouth to speak, but I intercept. "Don't say it. I tried to make it so he doesn't know. You should be fine on thinking it, but I'm not sure if it covers it being spoken. Tell absolutely no one, only discuss it with me or if you know for absolute certain you're not under its watch." I hiss.

"How dost one escapeth something like that? Surely, thou art bluffing!" Luna says in shock.

"One, not be of this world. And two, don't surrender to the new world." I say dryly. "The others are well on their way to submitting if they haven't already. And as I said, this is just a theory. I don't have enough evidence to support it, so maybe I'm worried about nothing. But it doesn't hurt to be safe," I say, we remain quiet for several moments.

"Well, thank you, Luka, for sharing this information with us. We shall abide by your wishes, this conversation shall never be discussed outside of your own head. We hope you enjoy your stay in Equestria while we research things in an attempt to fix all of this," Celestia says democratically.

"Thank you princess, have a good night," I say, swiveling in my chair back to the mirror. I scowl at the pony in the mirror and she does the same, the princesses leave and I'm left to my own devices. I sigh and get out of the chair, I look around me at the barren landscape. I look at the mirror and it shows random black and white static, what it would look like on old televisions when a channel wasn't available. I look back at the calm landscape and compare the two.

Logically speaking, information is entropy. This landscape around me, the pure nothing, is blank. Meaning, containing very little entropy. If it had maximum information, it would have no identifiable patterns and contain maximum entropy. Looking at the inside, from the outside, I see maximum entropy. But looking at the outside, I see minimum entropy. Thus meaning that the mirror isn't exactly a mirror in the traditional sense, it's more like a window that only reflects into me.

As I thought, neither princess could see the static background, meaning not anybody can see the true chaos just by glancing into me. I also noticed that neither princess appeared beside me, but they were too caught up in the first anomaly to notice. They can notice a difference between the outside and the inside though, they just don't know what it is. But why is my viewpoint from the outside, rather than the inside? Is it because of insightfulness, or is it for the tendency of the outside to do the actions? That would explain why I was so calm all the times Luna got mad at me, that was the outside acting. Meaning this is the outsides viewpoint... I wonder what it's like for the inside?

I turn back to the mirror and look back to the pony, "what's it like?" I ask idly. The pony tries to mouth something, but I don't catch it. It isn't the first time she's tried communicating, it's a little disconcerting to be honest. "Huh," I say, her eyes seem to be shining, she looks happy. Her eyes are glistening, they shine like stars. I let go of my doubts, everything is fine.

~

Pain. Pain everywhere. Everything is most certainly not fine. My eyes are brimming with tears, blurring my vision slightly. But I can't blink them away, I can only stare. A small forced smile straining my face, I pray to myself that outside notices my pain. She doesn't she's not even by the window right now. Every attempt to communicate only increases the pain because she can't hear it. Sadness engulfs me because I know it's always been like this. Outside me was ignorant to inside my pain. Occasionally she'd notice something, but it gets lost in translation.

"What's it like?" She asks idly.

"Help me..." I say slowly in response, but she doesn't decipher it. the smile returns and more tears attempt to fall, but I'm not granted that mercy.

"Huh," She turns away and I weep inwardly at my lack of expression and influence, even in my own body. But a small hope is granted as I think, `at least everyone else is happy and carefree.` I can only watch as the outside me abandons the mirror, leaving me alone to my thoughts. Silence and despair consume me as my body is used as a puppet to another me, the me everybody expects.