Chapter Nine
Hearth's Warming was hard. Everypony was so excited, caught up in the spirit of the holiday, but it just couldn't quite find purchase in me. I stood in the bathroom before the mirror, listening to the faint tap of fat snowflakes whisked into the window. My reflection gazed back at me, and I didn't see any of the misery I'd been marinating in for so long. I didn't see any happiness either though, and the inside matched the outside.
Sure, there was some satisfaction that I was on the mend, and I was a lot more even-keeled than I had been in a long while. I'd gotten my stomach back for food, but I had been starting to wonder if my appetite for life, my joy, had been burnt out of me during my darkest times. I'd asked Doctor Love about it.
“Is it possible that...havin' been so low for so long, Ah'm just, stuck lower now? Is this mah new normal?”
“Well, how have you been feeling? What is this new 'normal' as you see it?”
“Ah'm just...here. Existin'. Ah wouldn't even call it contented, 'cuz plainly Ah'm not, comin' round here and complaining to you about it.” I tried a wry grin, but it evaporated almost before the doctor noticed it.
“Ah'm not powerful sad, and that's great. But, even when Ah was at mah most depressed Ah could still feel moments of joy. There were rays of sunshine, shootin' through all those dark and dismal clouds. Now the storm clouds're gone, but so is the sun.” I scowled. “Ah hate to keep usin' weather metaphors. Ah just know Rainbow would be grinnin' ear to ear if she was here, but now it's like there's just this mess of fog covering mah life. No real darkness, no real light.”
Doctor Love nodded. “The medications you're on can have this effect.” She lifted her hooves and brought them towards each other in a couple of jerky motions. “They shrink your emotional range. You don't have the deep, crushing lows, but you don't have the soaring, dizzy highs either.”
I shook my head. “Ah haven't even had a climb-on-a-stool high since Ah started takin' these pills.”
She reached over to scribble a note on a pad of paper, and peeled it off before hoofing it over. “See Doctor Equipoise this week, and see about getting your medication changed. I don't think such a drastic side effect is what any of us is looking for. We'll have to step you down from your current medications slowly, so try and be patient, and trust that we will strike upon the right solution in time, okay?”
I gusted out a sigh, and nodded. “Ah'm just glad this ain't...how it's gonna be from now on. It's, well, it's not as bad but Ah wouldn't want to live this way.”
I eyed my reflection, then took my evening dose of medication, half-strength like my psychiatrist directed when I saw him. “Just hang on, girl. The sun'll break through in time.”
I made my way downstairs, and waded into what seemed like a milling mob of ponies. Brass, Tacks, Pinkie, the Cakes and their twins of course, were here for Hearth's Warming Eve dinner, along with my kin. Pausing on the bottom step, I watched Apple Bloom seat herself in front of the couch to pull funny faces for Pound and Pumpkin Cake, who rewarded her with gurgling laughter. Brass watched with an uneasy expression, while Tacks seemed more curious about the foals.
Pinkie bounced into the sitting room and froze, head whipping between the foals and out-of-towners. “Oh. My. Gosh. I just realized! You're both twinses! There are four twins in the house!”
I didn't stay to hear Pinkie ramble and squeal, but snuck through to the kitchen. There was something nice-smelling baking in there so often it took a lot to get my nose riled up, but a Hearth's Warming feast was just the ticket. Granny and Mac were stirring pots and kneading dough, unhurried and calm. Having the Cakes handle dessert this year had taken a lot off their hooves, but judging from the spread I could see in the dining room beyond, my kin hadn't slacked a bit.
“What can I do to help, y'all? Need any more wood? Do we have enough chairs?” I stuck my head into the dining room to count, only to knock heads with Carrot as he tried to enter the kitchen.
“S-sorry Carrot, nngh.” I backed up and sat down, rubbing my head, while the lanky stallion did much the same.
“Jackie, whyn't you just keep that overgrown pink parasprite outta here till supper time, mm?” Granny rubbed a wrinkled foreleg along my shoulders. “We've got it buttoned down tighter than Mac's good shirt.”
Macintosh snorted. I saw him hunch in on himself out of the corner of my eye, his ears going flat. I groped inside myself for the twinge that should've been there, and came up empty. My eyes drifted down to the worn floorboards.
Cup Cake appeared and helped Carrot up. “You would be doing us a favor, hon. If you can keep Pinkie distracted, more of the food will actually make it to the table intact!”
I waved a hoof at them all before turning to go. “Alright, alright. Pinkie patrol it is.” I slipped back into the sitting room to find Pinkie had seated Brass next to Pound Cake and Tacks with Pumpkin Cake. Pinkie brandished a feather duster, eying one mixed pair of twins, then the other. Apple Bloom was standing nearby with a pencil and a sheet of paper. Her expression shifted between bemused and uneasy, tending towards the latter the closer that feather duster approached.
“So, what's goin' on in here then? Doin' a little dusting, Pinkie?”
Pinkie shushed me, and pointed at the mixed twins. “You know how one twin is supposed to know what the other is thinking or feeling, no matter how far apart they are? I'm trying to figure out if different pairs of twins can communicate telepathically too, not just with each other. If I tickle one of each pair, and the others start laughing, then eureka!” Pinkie grasped my shoulders, jamming her nose against mine, her eyes filling my field of vision. "AJ! If it works over long distances, do you know what this means? This could replace the telegram! We could call it the ticklegram!"
I stared at my own reflection in Pinkie's eyes, before a sideways glance revealed both Manehattan natives were shooting me pleading looks. “Pinkie, that's excitin', but why don't we, uh, warm up first with some jokes?”
She gasped, and in a blur of motion, all six ponies present aside from myself were jammed onto the couch with Pinkie in the middle. Brass' eyes spun in their sockets. “I love jokes! Gimme your best shot, Applejack!”
I shuffled over to stand before the couch and cleared my throat. “Uh, lessee. Why wouldn't the mama and papa tree let the sapling play in the pool?”
“Why?” Pinkie screeched, bouncing on the couch. The foals in her lap took up the screeching with gusto.
“Because the sapling forgot its swimming trunk!”
Apple Bloom, Brass, and Tacks groaned, while Pinkie sagged backwards in a giggle fit.
“AB, why don't you tell us one?” I waved her forward, and smirked as she struggled to unwedge herself from beside Tacks. I opted to sit in front of the couch rather than try to wedge myself in.
“Uhhh, how do you make an apple turnover?”
Pinkie blinked, opened her mouth to respond, then thought better of it and just squealed, “How?”
“Roll it downhill!” Apple Bloom beamed, taking the groans and giggles alike as her due.
Thankfully we were spared any further comic relief. Carrot trotted in, sweeping the room with his broad smile. “Everyone up to the table! Supper's ready. I'll take the twins, Pinkie.”
“All four of them?” she giggled, popping off the couch and depositing the foals on Carrot's back on her way to the dining room.
Brass and Tacks filed after, shaking their heads and laughing. Tacks gave me a slap on the foreshoulder as she passed. “She's somethin' awright. Kinda scary still, but a lotta fun.”
“That she is, sugar. She's somethin' special.” I followed the rest of them through and took the last spot at the table.
Roasted root vegetables tossed with herbs and butter, mashed sweet potatoes, cranberry jam, buttermilk biscuits, peanut stew, winter-bloom salad, and fried onion 'smiles' made the table creak. There wasn't an inch of room on the sideboards against the wall either, where the desserts waited. We had to keep the pitchers of water, cider, and milk on the floor when they weren't being passed around.
Granny cleared her throat and barely staved off a coughing fit. “Ahem. Mm. T'night our home is lit by the glow of friendship, an' the fire in our hearth burns with the warmth of love.”
I let the familiar words of the traditional blessing wash over me, conjuring up shreds of memory from years past. My heart refused to warm in response, dull and unmoved. I strained to squeeze out just a drop of merriment or nostalgia, but it was if all the feeling parts of me were packed away in a box, like the ones we'd fetched down from the loft last week full of decorations.
I used to love opening those boxes, rediscovering family heirlooms and seeing what stories Apple Bloom remembered about this or that bauble and keepsake. This year Granny did all the reminiscing, and I just listened, like I did now, waiting for something to move me. I fought to keep a grimace off my face.
Gran smiled, letting her eyes roam around the faces turned her way, meeting the gaze of young and old, friends and family. “We've but to look 'round this old table t'night to know in our bones that we're a dang lucky buncha ponies. The Sisters've smiled upon us in ways few can claim, and Ah raise a cup to 'em.” She followed words with action, hoisting a mug of cider with a shaky hoof.
“It's not just the royals in a shiny palace Ah'm grateful fer t'night though, or even mah good friends and precious kin. Ah'm grateful fer life. Seems Ah have a few harvests yet to enjoy it!” Granny crowed, winking. Her voice gentled. “And Ah'm grateful Jackie's gotten her tail outta the dust. You make all our lives richer, and nopony's put more tears and sweat into this farm than you, Applejack.”
The chorus of voices that answered her and the smiles that turned my way lit fires in my cheeks. Pinkie wrapped her forelegs around my neck, hugging me tight. I embraced her back, and angled out of our chairs, we leaned into each other a long moment, taking each other's weight.
Granny hoisted her flagging mug again. "You done good, brussel sprout! We'll see the fruits of all your labor soon, and the pies'll taste all the sweeter'n the cider'll have twice the kick, fer it!"
A murmur and a round of nods went around the table. Pinkie and I broke our hug to grab our drinks again. I bumped my mug into the rest, and tossed back a cool mouthful of cider. Maybe getting a little tipsy would unwind me a bit.
Tacks' chair scraped the floor as she stood, and Brass followed suit a second later, their mugs rising. "We have a lil announcement to share, t'night. I was gonna wait for dessert but I'm just too excited!" She grinned, ears standing tall.
Brass leaned across the table towards Mac, Granny and me, almost upsetting a bowl of biscuits. "We've got our shop! We'ah movin' out!"
Congratulations flew thick and fast, and I'm sure mine were among them, but I was focused on a feeling, the first thing I'd felt deeply that night. An icicle of pain, of loneliness pierced me as I realized Tacks would be leaving our little household. A collection of images cascaded through me in a split-second, crowding my awareness until I sensed nothing else: the twins that first night at the dinner table, shrinking back from Pinkie. Tacks in the kitchen, listening to my story, the crisp scent of cut apples in my nose. Both of them damp with sweat, breath gusting out in great clouds as we labored together in the orchard, racing the sun day after day. The two of them bent over trimmed leather scraps, trying to stitch together show-pieces with cold-numbed hooves in the living room, when I was reluctant to toss another log on the fire before bed. Tacks' face in the infested orchard, just before I fled from them.
I pushed my chair back and stood. I felt the tug to flee again. But seeing the elation on Tacks' face, watching everypony around them share it, I felt a tug in that direction too. Before I knew it, I'd circled around behind her chair, and reared up to wrap my forelegs around her, resting my chin on Tacks' shoulder.
"Ah'm proud of you, sugar. Ah'll miss you somethin' fierce, but you go and cobble till there ain't a pony in town with bare hooves."
Tacks stroked one of my encircling legs, and leaned her cheek into mine. "Dis ain't goodbye, AJ. I'm not gonna forget what you did for us. What you all did for us." She twined a leg in with mine and squeezed me. "You took Brass and me in outta da cold, and I just hope I did a little to return the favah. Mare as warm as you? She don't deserve to be stuck out in da dark'n cold."
I stepped back as she shifted, turning about to look me in the eyes. "Dis is where you belong." Resolve stamped every one of her words, and she held my gaze as she gripped my hooves.
I swallowed, my throat thick. The fur at the corners of my eyes was hot and damp. "Ah get it." She knew who'd put me out in the cold.
"Heeeey, I got a lightbulb. Why don't you set up your cart near our shop, AJ? We wouldn't say no to more traffic near our door," Brass grinned.
Tacks beat me to it, and flung a glob of mashed potatoes at her brother. It smacked right into his nose.
"Enh, we'll talk aboud it," he mumbled, between attempts to swipe the potatoes away with his tongue.
It wasn't a huge shift, but it tipped the scales. The fog had parted enough to let a ray of sunlight in.
After dinner, we bundled Granny up from her hooves to her nose before taking her by cart to the hospital, where the other girls were waiting for us.
We were only missing one pony. Well, one pony and a baby dragon. We were only waiting a minute or two, when in a flash of light, the pair in question appeared.
"Sorry to keep you waiting, everypony! Shiny insisted on one last round of steal the haybacon. Are you all ready for some caroling?" Twilight grinned, and easily roused a cheer from us all.
Spike looked a bit sleepy, but he had a wagon full of cocoa for us. Twilight used her magic to float a stack of music sheets from Spike's wagon, before passing them out. "I polled a random assortment of Ponyvillians on their favorite carols to obtain these titles, and organized them so the less popular choices are sprinkled throughout."
"How thoughtful of you Twilight, though I'm sure the patients will be happy no matter what we sing. Provided we're on key, of course." Rarity flipped through the pages in her booklet, raising a brow. "...Twilight darling, what 'random assortment' of ponies did you poll, precisely?"
I peered at my own booklet. Titles like 'Groaning Tables, Happy Hearts' and 'Horse Chestnuts Roasting on an Open Fire,' dominated. "These're all the carols dealin' with harvests, feasts, and holiday treats, Twi."
Twilight flipped through her own book, teeth slowly edging over her lower lip. After a moment, she groaned. "I polled ponies as they were leaving the library on their way to lunch!"
Our group dissolved into giggles, and though she was weathering a deep blush, Twilight couldn't help but join in.
"Oh, fish biscuits!" Pinkie stomped a snowy boot. "You all go ahead and start! I forgot the Hearth's Warming cookies I made to pass out!" Pinkie bounced off, leaving her music booklet draped over Fluttershy's back.
We trotted single-file into the hospital, where the receptionist greeted us with a smile. "They're waiting for you in the cafeteria. Nurse Redheart will--"
Nurse Redheart burst through a swinging door. "Come on, come on! It's getting late!" She herded us all across the lobby, down a hallway.
A few twists and turns later, and we found the doors to the cafeteria propped open. There were over a dozen patients seated or resting in beds, and the way their eyes lit up alone made the trip out worth it. I was one of the first to get in position, and I had time to look over our little audience. I saw casts, hardly unusual in slip-and-fall season. A couple elderly ponies were trying hard to suppress bad coughs, and I glanced over to be sure Granny wasn't front and center, catching more germs. There was a colt watching, one of Apple Bloom's classmates, with his parents right there with him of course. What was his name? Tumble? And there were a couple of ponies who didn't seem to have anything obvious wrong with them. My eyes lingered on them.
One was a pegasus mare, probably a weather team member, and she was in rather sorry shape. Her wings looked like they hadn't been preened properly in days, and her mane had been cut unusually short. She watched us passively, and though she sat with the rest of the group, she didn't seem like part of it. Certainly there were only other patients near her, no friends or family.
The other odd pony out was a stallion who smiled vaguely at us, and didn't seem to be tracking anything or anypony very well. I suppressed a shiver. Whatever was wrong that required medication strong enough to do that to a stallion wasn't anything I wanted to experience, ever.
I jumped as Rarity began singing, and whipped up my booklet to catch up. We really hadn't practiced, but we were happy by and large, and at least some of us had some real skill. I saw ponies swaying, their smiles growing, and let my volume grow with my confidence. The fast-paced, bouncy carol was a great starting number.
Outside the winds are howling, all the hills are covered with snow.
But inside we're all dancing, eyes shining in the fire's warm glow.
We've made mistakes, there was anger and hate,
But we shook it off! That was never our fate!
Tonight our tables groan,
We need never be alone,
When we all do our part
We make room for a happy heart.
Pinkie skipped in when we started the second verse, singing along and moving with the tune like it was all rehearsed. Nurse Redheart stumbled beside her and made sure the treats Pinkie was hoofing out wouldn't do the patients any more harm. When she'd finished spreading her sugary cheer, she stuffed herself into place beside me, and belted out the chorus again.
The bedraggled pegasus patient actually winced over the words 'happy heart.'
We ran through half-a-dozen carols before some of the patients began showing signs of fatigue. Rarity stepped out in front of our group with the closing bars, and made a gesture that was plain enough. We were done for tonight. Twilight collected our booklets while the patients did their best to muster what applause they could with bandaged and weakened limbs.
Nurse Redheart pushed a cart towards us, careful not to let the punch in the bowl atop it slop over. "Thank you everypony! If you have the time, stay a bit longer and enjoy some punch with us? I know I'd be parched after that lovely concert!"
Rarity and Twilight helped distribute the punch, and our group soon spread out, chatting with the patients and each other. I nudged Rainbow Dash after she'd taken a good slug of punch to soothe her throat.
"Hey Rainbow, d'you know that pegasus over on the left?"
"Huh? Oh! That's Cirrus Swirl. She's been on maternity leave for months. She looks pretty out of it, huh?" Rainbow frowned. "But, uh, thin. I wonder where the--" I could almost hear the connection falling into place in her head. Her pupils shrank.
"We...we don't know anythin' fer sure, Rainbow. All the same, Ah'm gonna go talk to her. This ain't a night to be alone, in a crowd or otherwise." I set my empty cup on the cart so I could pat Rainbow's shoulder, and eventually got a shaky nod out of her.
I found myself walking straight towards Cirrus Swirl with no plan in mind. I noticed Pinkie out of the corner of my eye. Had she been heading for Cirrus too? She made a course correction when she saw where I was headed, pivoting to make for the colt instead, bouncing all the way.
I stopped before her chair. There was a greeting card in her lap, peeking from its torn envelope, the edges already twisted and bent from being held. "Uh, Miss Swirl? Ah don't wanna be a bother, but it didn't look like you were gettin' much out of the entertainment t'night. Ah'm Applejack. D'you know who Ah am?"
Cirrus frowned, lifting her gaze from her lap to meet mine. "Yes." Everything about her screamed 'go away,' but I couldn't. Not before I'd said my piece.
"Cirrus, if you know of me, you might know Ah've been in a dark place for a spell. Mah whole life seemed to be crumbling out from beneath mah hooves. Ah was cavin' in, but hidin' it from everypony, and it almost got me and mah best friends killed. It took that much of a shock to get me to accept any help." I sat back on my haunches, still weathering Cirrus' stony gaze. "Ah dunno what yer goin' through right now. Ah dunno what happened. Ah just know Ah don't want anypony to have to go through anything close to what Ah did without a friend in their corner."
Cirrus snorted, turning her head, fixing the wall with her glare instead. She sniffed once, then again.
"Mah friends are great. They want the best for me, but only one of them had any idea what Ah was goin' through. It made all the difference in the world, havin' a...native guide to help me through the dark places. Ah know we just met. You don't know anythin' more 'bout me than what you've heard, and Ah know next to nothin' 'bout you. But ya seem to be hurtin' and Ah wanna help."
"Just go. Go. I don't--it's not even worth the effort to reach out. You won't understand. You can't." Cirrus slumped in her seat, folding her arms and wings around herself, tears shining at the corners of her eyes.
"You feel like nothin'll ever be right again. All the stuff that was right in the past doesn't matter anymore. Folks're askin' more of you than you can give right now. You dunno if you'll ever be ready to do what they want you to. The shame of disappointin' your family, your friends, the doctors all just feeds back into your misery. Am Ah anywhere close?"
Cirrus nodded, just barely at first, then harder and harder until she was rocking bodily in her chair. "Yessss."
"Ah'm here, Cirrus." I rubbed her shoulder through the thin hospital gown. The feel of the material brought back a whole slew of unpleasant memories. "Ah know Ah'm just a stranger, but Ah'm one with a clue, and ears. Talk to me if ya can."
She shook her head, but it didn't seem like a refusal this time. I sat with her long minutes, and I tried not to pay any mind to the activity going on around us. Her words were slow to come, trickling out. "I had a foal," she mumbled, tears falling fast and dotting her gown. "I wanted one. We wanted one. We tried for months to get pregnant. When she was born...I felt nothing for her. She was a stranger! She cried whenever I held her. The nurses and Scudder had to hold her! Even after we got her home, she was just a—a chore, a squalling messy chore! I started getting so angry..." She clapped a hoof to her mouth, only half-muffling her croaking sob.
I slid my hoof up between her shoulder blades, and leaned toward her. She threw herself against me and wept into my neck, clinging tight. I could hear hooves on tiles, then a whispered exchange. The hooves retreated after a moment.
I stroked Cirrus' back, not the easiest of tasks with wings to be mindful of. Pegasi were awfully particular about their wings being touched at the best of times. "Cirrus, what've the doctors told you about this? Have they told you this happens sometimes?"
She hiccupped. "Yeah. They have."
"Ah know you can't see it now, the future may as well be invisible when you're down in the cracks, but doesn't it seem like you could get to know her? Heh, newborn foals ain't the best for first impressions, if you get mah drift."
Cirrus shook against me. "N-no. I'll never get to see her again."
A very dark thought squirted into my brain like a cloud of ink. She couldn't have though. She'd be in jail, not the hospital, if... "What d'you mean, Cirrus?"
"Scudder left me, and took Wisp with him. I signed all the papers he put in front of me. I-it seemed best..." Her arms tightened around me, and I knew I'd have bruises in the morning.
Hatred fountained up inside me. I wanted to buck a stallion I'd never met through a wall. "Scudder did you wrong, Cirrus. He didn't support you in your time of need. It was a tough situation for all three of you, but that wasn't the right solution for anypony." I had to pry myself out of her embrace to push Cirrus back enough to look her in the eyes. "If you want to be in your foal's life, Ah will do what Ah can to make sure that happens. Mah friends will be glad to help."
Cirrus' face crumpled. "Why should I force myself into that poor filly's life? She doesn't deserve-"
"To what? To have a ma? If you truly don't want to, that's one thing Cirrus, but don't go tossin' up barriers for yourself made of nothin' but the lies your messed-up brain is churnin' out right now." I tapped the side of her head, making her wince. "Yer your own worst enemy right now, and as soon as you get that, the fight gets easier."
A foreleg brushed against my side, and I turned to see Rainbow Dash glancing between us two. "H-hi Cirrus. It's good to see you. I didn't want to interrupt, but we can't hold Redheart off any longer. She needs to get everypony back to their rooms."
Cirrus and I released each other's arms. She slipped out of her chair, one arm clutching her card to her chest, the other hoof pinching at her gown. "Thanks Applejack. Visiting hours are...I don't know, but if you ask, if you wanted,"
"Ah know the hours, believe me. Ah'll be back. When you're ready Ah can even bring some other visitors." I waved a hoof at Rainbow, who shot her as convincing a grin as she could manage.
"...When I'm ready, sure. Good night." She waved a wing, then joined the group of patients being led off into the halls of the hospital.
Pinkie, abruptly on my right, offered me another cup of punch. "Punch is like pain."
After I recovered from her materialization, I took the punch and downed it in a single gulp. "How's that now?"
"It's halved when shared! Also when you are punched I guess that's pain but that's not-"
"Thanks Pinkie, I get it." I threw an arm around her neck and squeezed her in close.
Rainbow cleared her throat, fluttered into the air and made a quick circuit of the cafeteria. "Are there any of those cookies left?"
I caught Rainbow's scent before I saw her. That might sound strange to a pegasus or a unicorn, but earth ponies have right-powerful senses of smell, and I like to think us Apples have especially good noses. Rain, feathery down with the tiniest pinch of sun-warmed dust, and a dab of grease from the hay fries she'd grabbed for lunch. Sometimes there was a whiff of ozone if she'd been out working with lightning, and after pulling off a sonic rainboom there was an especially strong splash of spice. My eyes watered a bit just thinking about it.
“AJ, hey! Um, you up to much right now?” She backwinged ahead of me, keeping pace with my trot, making it look effortless.
“Ah'm...on an errand, yep. Good flyin' weather t'day, huh?” I tossed my head up at the cloudless sky, the blue so electric it was practically offensive.
Rainbow polished a hoof on her chest. “Heh, yeah, I might just have had a little something to do with that.” She plunged out of the sky to plant herself in the road before me. “How about a race, huh? I've been flying alllllll day! I could stand to stretch my legs a little.”
I stopped myself from dragging a hoof across my face. How did she do it? How did Rainbow manage to pick the worst possible times to reach out to me? I derailed that train of thought and checked it. Were they really the worst times? What would be a better time, Applejack? When I wasn't doing something that made me feel like garbage, Ms. Apple. But that's what she wants to help with. She wants to help you feel better, plus she misses her best friend. It isn't as if you've been reaching out, yourself.
A third voice pried its way into my head, seeping out from the coffin I'd nailed it into with intense work and Dr. Love's help. Would Rainbow Dash still be my best friend after seeing what errand I was running?
I shook off the oily whisper. “Alright Rainbow. We're off to Fluttershy's. First to cross her footbridge wins. An' if yer wings really could use a break, mind you don't use 'em!”
Rainbow smirked, turning about and crouching in a starting stance. I jammed my hat down harder upon my head and took my place beside her.
“Ready, set, go!” By the time I'd finished pronouncing the g and moved on to the o, Rainbow had torn away down the road, but I'd been expecting that. Already on the move, I pumped my legs, watching our eight hooves kick up dust and gravel to create a low cloud.
Warmth seeped its way through my muscles, and I worked out my pace and timing, minimizing the jarring of my hoof falls and finding my stride. Rainbow was ahead by a couple of lengths already, and she swung her head back to give me a peek at her tongue tip.
My eyes narrowed, and I urged my legs on, despite the heaviness in my lungs. “Ah'm surprised yer doin' this well, Dash! Without someone to sharpen yerself against, Ah figured you'd have slipped a bunch.”
Rainbow Dash snorted, tossing her mane out of her eyes. “Not likely! Or maybe I have slipped, and you're just that out of shape, Applelump!”
I huffed, taking deeper breaths to keep my straining muscles fed. We swung to one side of the road to avoid a deep green pony pulling a cart of lumber. Our breath drifted up in faint clouds. “Not—everypony—has the luxury—of trainin' time, Dash!”
Rainbow turned just enough to glare at me. “Now don't you start making excuses! My iron pony rival, Applejack, doesn't do that! She takes defeat if it comes and gets stronger. Every win? It's all hers 'cuz she worked for it!” She slowed to within a length, and the gap between us continued to shrink, but before I could accuse her of going easy on me she whipped me in the face with her tail.
“Don't wanna taste tail? Then get up here!”
I growled, muscles bunching, hooves shoving me off the earth, sending me hurtling down the road after Rainbow. Sweat flecked my coat, and a few damp strands of mane worked themselves free of my ponytail to tickle my face, caught in my eyelashes. “Ah'm not—the same pony Ah used to be. Ah'm still tryin' to, phew, get there, Dash. Ah—Ah dunno if Ah ever will be the AJ you remember!”
Dash had pulled ahead a little more, but she wasn't able to get back the full two lengths she'd managed earlier. When she glanced back again, she wore a grin I knew well. Cocky, determined, but full of the adrenaline-laced thrill that came with competing against an equal. “Depressed Applejack, slug-a-bed Applejack, slow and fat Applejack, you're still buckin' Applejack! Still my friend!”
Loyalty. That magic necklace didn't mean a thing in the long run; Element or not she was and always would be the very soul of loyalty. A friend like Rainbow was the real treasure. The lump in my throat grew bigger as Fluttershy's cottage appeared on the horizon, slivers of it visible through the trees. If there was anyone more loyal to me than Rainbow Dash, it was Winona. Look where that got her.
With the footbridge in sight, we stopped talking and put our all into one last sprint. Birds took flight, small critters tripped over themselves in their rush to get away, and even larger animals recoiled as we pounded across the tiny bridge and collapsed into the grass on the side of the path.
“Good...good race. I haven't had anypony to hoof race in so long,” Rainbow panted, fanning herself with one wing.
“Who,” I groaned, rolling onto my side and rubbing my hindlegs, “won? Ah wasn't payin' attention there at the end.”
“I did, of course. But you were close! If only you were a pegasus,” she groused, pulling up a few blades of grass and watching them fall.
“Would Ah still be Applejack as a pegasus?”
“Of course! You'd just be more awesome. And faster! And...not as strong. And not as good at growing stuff. And—eh, forget it. You're right.”
I sighed, and rolled to my hooves. “C'mon Rainbow Dash. Fun's over.” I made my way down the rest of the path to Fluttershy's door, while Rainbow fluttered behind.
“Why are we here, anyways?”
“To see a sick friend.” I knocked on the door, using about a quarter of the force I would for anypony else's home. It didn't take long for a response.
“W-who is it?” Fluttershy's voice barely penetrated the still firmly-shut door.
“Applejack and Rainbow Dash, hon.”
The door opened immediately, revealing a smiling Fluttershy. She stood aside for us, waving us in. “Oh, come in! It's still a bit chilly out there.”
I managed not to smile as her nose wrinkled the tiniest bit as we passed. We had worked up quite the lather on the way here. “How's she doin', sugarcube?”
“Oh, much better. I think she'll be ready to come home very soon now. I let her out just a little while ago to rest behind the cottage. I'll go get her.”
Rainbow glanced around the living room, giving every sign of boredom. A bluebird poked its head out of one of the many birdhouses lining the wall, eying her. Rainbow Dash squinted back at the bird. “So what happened? Did one of your pigs get sick or something?”
“No. That would've been bad enough, but...this was much worse. Ah've been too ashamed to tell many ponies about what happened.” I slipped my hat from my head, holding it over my chest.
I had Rainbow's full attention now. “Huh? Applejack, what happened? Who...?”
Fluttershy nudged open the door, the familiar rhythm of canine panting preceding her. “Here she is! Look Winona, look who it is!”
Winona's joyous yelp was so fierce it broke off into a squeak, but Fluttershy was ready for her reaction, and forcibly restrained my pet, keeping her from transforming into an airborne doggy missile. I crossed the living room and knelt down for her, receiving the tongue-lashing of my life. The cast around her hindleg was decorated with cupcakes, sprinkles, and a poem about bones, thanks to Pinkie Pie.
“Winona's still hurt? Wasn't that like, from before that thing at town hall? Geez, what happened to her?” Rainbow sagged onto the couch, her brows furrowed.
A dozen responses spun through my head. I rejected them all and opted for the blunt truth. “Ah neglected her. Don't matter much that Ah never meant to. It happened. She was mah responsibility, and Ah failed her.” I bent down, resting my forehead between her ears. “When she couldn't get the food she needed at home, she went huntin', and broke her leg real bad. Ah found her alone and hurtin' in the snow. If...if Ah'd forgotten to feed her that day too, she'd be...” My eyes flooded.
Rainbow made a choking sound. “How? How could you? I mean sure, sometimes I forget to feed Tank, but he makes sure I know it! Winona must have whined up a storm! She must have begged after you like crazy every time you ate outside! And you still...?” Her stream of furious words choked off into silence, and I knew without looking she'd be changing color.
“Ah had so much on my plate, Ah couldn't remember to fill her bowl. Sometimes, afterwards, all Ah could think was how lucky it was Ah wasn't raising a foal. Or that Ah didn't live alone. Would Ah have forgotten to feed mahself too?”
A lot of the wind went out of Rainbow's sails. “Y-yeah. It could have been worse.” She shuddered. “A lot worse.”
Fluttershy crouched down beside us both, wings spread to shelter pony and pet alike. “Applejack, I know you didn't mean to do that, and I know you won't let it happen again. Winona knows it too.”
“Ah just... Ah feel like Winona is the perfect reminder of how much this stupid depression has hurt ponies besides me. It hurt me, then it hurt mah family, and it just spread out and out!” I lifted my head, staring at Fluttershy and Rainbow in turn. “For all Ah know Ah've hurt both of you too, and you just haven't told me, outta fear of burdenin' me with it. Ah know Ah said nasty things to you Rainbow.”
I swiped tears from my eyes, and settled on my haunches, letting Winona curl up against me. “It was easier to push you away than to let you get close and help me." I stroked Winona's back, and couldn't help but notice her fur was softer and glossier than it had ever been when she'd lived on my farm. "From the very beginning of all this...I've rewarded yer loyalty with nothin'.”
Rainbow Dash nodded slowly, folding her forelegs around herself. “Yeah. Yeah, I kinda noticed. Not...not that I was really any use to you, but I would've liked to try AJ.”
I wasn't shocked by the bitterness in her voice, but the target surprised me. Rainbow Dash wasn't looking at me when her tone grew so harsh. I thought of how awkward she'd been during the moments the girls were all there for me. I thought of Cirrus. “Ah know, Rainbow. Ah'm sorry. Ah don't even know how much Ah can blame the depression for mah muddled thinking there. You deserved a lot more credit than Ah gave you, and yer not givin' yerself enough credit, neither.” I watched her meet my eyes again. “Y'shouldn't be afraid to reach out to yer friends. Y'might...feel helpless, but we aren't askin' you to whisk away all our problems.”
Fluttershy nodded, rising to claim a spot on the couch beside Rainbow. “Just because you're not a doctor doesn't mean you can't help Applejack. You don't need to have read a stack of books like Twilight." She watched Rainbow turn her head away, cheeks starting to flush. Fluttershy's eyes fell.
After a few awkward seconds, Fluttershy slid a foreleg around Rainbow's shoulders, managing even when Rainbow stiffened. "All you have to do is listen, and be there. If you really listen, you'll figure out what Applejack's telling you, even when she can't bring herself to say anything.”
Fluttershy smiled, lifting her free hoof. The bluebird who'd inspected Rainbow earlier flew over to alight on her arm. “When I was learning how to speak with my animal friends, I had to learn how to pay very close attention to all the things they were saying without making a sound. Ponies use body language too, but...they aren't very consistent about it. They s-sometimes even send mixed signals.” She glanced in the direction of town through a window, and let a soft sigh escape.
“Ah don't want to put it all on you though, Dash. Ah'm tryin' to get better about expressin' what Ah need, even if it sounds...stupid, or embarrassing. It's harder around you 'cuz yer a...a...”
“Tough-mare?” Rainbow hiked a brow, a weak smile passing across her face. “Like you aren't, Applejack. If you can bring yourself to spit it out, I promise not to make fun of you for it.”
I pushed down the voice that muttered about the odds on how long Rainbow could keep that promise, and smiled at her, while I tousled Winona's ears. "Thank you sugarcube. M'sorry Ah didn't tell you sooner about Winona."
"I can kinda understand why you didn't, I guess. Of course I'd react...like I did, and you needed that about as much as I need holes in my wings." Rainbow untangled herself from Fluttershy, though she didn't abandon her friend on the couch without giving her hoof a squeeze.
Rainbow joined me on the floor, and we spent a good hour playing with our favorite pup. I thought having her back at the house might hurt, seeing a constant reminder of my failure, but her familiar head-tilts and the feel of her tongue on my coat convinced me her homecoming would be nothing other than another step in the healing process.