Joe stood in front of the purple painted double doors in front of him like a statue. They looked like every other door in the castle. They were expertly carved out of wood, and furnished to accentuate the ornate halls of Canterlot Castle. Celestia was just now raising the sun. Thanks to Canterlot’s high elevation, it was the first non-Pegasi city to see it. As the sun brought light to the confetti and streamer littered streets of the exhausted city, the halls of the castle danced with a rainbow of colors produced by the plethora of stained glass windows. The rainbow lights converged onto the sign that hung from the door that Joe stood in front of. ‘Employees Only.’
Joe took a deep breath to gather up all the nerves he could muster, and pushed open the door. The secretariat’s office was small, but comfortable. The wall on the far right hosted two windows that no doubt would have one of the most spectacular views in the castle-- if they weren’t constantly covered with closed shutters. A pair of beautiful settees sat against the left wall to provide a comfortable seat for guests that never came. And on the wall straight ahead was another door. It was a door lined with thick leather upholstery. The door stood like a sentinel, ominously mocking Joe with its presence. Joe levitated the dark-brimmed, cotton hat from his head and shot it like a frisbee toward the hat rack in the corner. The hat landed perfectly on one of the arms.
“All this time and I still got it.” Joe said with a melancholy smile.
“Well, look who finally decided to show up.”
The voice came from Joe’s right. The secretariat sat behind a desk cluttered with various documents and folders, many of which had the words ‘FOR YOUR EYES ONLY’ printed on the front in bold, red print.
The Unicorn secretariat didn’t even bother to look up at Joe. She continued to be occupied with her work; darting her brown eyes across the numerous files through her thick, black-rimmed glasses. Her jet-black mane was pinned up in a large beehive and her tail was likewise styled in a bun. Joe noticed that her mane and coat, once a beautiful pearly white, were greyer than he had remembered. Around her off grey neck, she wore a white collar decorated with a red cravat. Using her magic, she was able to scribe an entire page worth of words in under a minute. Her Cutie Mark of a fountain pen and inkwell were well earned.
“If it isn’t Donut Joe?” Her tone was sarcastic and the way she said his name sounded especially poisonous. “We called you in over an hour ago. I’ve been searching all over Canterlot for you.”
The Secretariat held down a button on the intercom system sitting on the desk. The sharp buzz of the intercom made Joe’s neck tingle.
“Con Mane is here, sir,” she spoke into the speaker.
Joe trotted in front of her desk while putting on his best smile. She merely gave him a puzzled and dissatisfied look. “Busy night at the donut shop, what with the Gala and all,” Joe tried to explain, “Full of excitement.”
The Secretariat tutted and focused again on her cluster of papers. “I’m sure she was.”
“Miss Raven, I’m offended!” Joe said with the most dramatic flair he could muster.
Miss Raven was not amused. Her brown eyes burned like charcoal. “Don’t be so flippant!” she exclaimed bitterly, “Last time I saw you was almost a year ago! You trotted out of here for good. You said you would never come back. I guess this will teach you to never say never again.”
“I never said I was coming back!” Joe raised his voice. His charming smile had faded into a grimace. “I’m only here to talk to MARE and that’s it! I’m not a member of Mane6 anymore.” Joe cooled himself off with a deep sigh and ran his hoof across his forehead. “I’m just a baker now.”
Miss Raven looked troubled. “oh yeah?” Her voice was shaky. She wouldn’t look Joe in the eye. “That’s a sharp looking tux for a baker.”
Joe had almost forgotten about the suit. He had almost decided not to put it on before leaving. His favorite black suit was tighter than when he last wore it, and Joe knew it wasn’t because the suit got smaller. The red bowtie especially choked Joe’s neck. He also made sure to style his mane. His horn visibly protruded from a finely coiffed mane slicked all the way back with product.
Miss Raven continued, “You never made donuts for me looking like that. You never made me donuts period.”
Her dry tone made Joe smile again.
“You know I would’ve. Problem is the old war horse would have me court martialed for illegal use of Equestrian Property.”
Miss Raven smirked and placed her hoof under Joe’s chin. “Flattery will get you nowhere, Joe--” She playfully flicked her hoof up. “but don’t stop trying.”
Buzz! The interruption of the speaker silenced the room. Both of the ponies’ smiles faded as they stared solemnly at the leather door.
“He’s ready for you.” Miss Raven said with deadpan efficiency.
With a hard swallow Joe creaked open the leather lined doors. The door led to the most lavishly decorated office in Equestria. The wall to the right was lined with tall rounded windows with red velvet curtains that were left open, revealing the expansive landscape of the dreaded Everfree Forest. On the opposite wall was a glass trophy case filled with war medals and commemorative photos. On the wall in the back was a massive oil painting depicting Princess Celestia, clad in ceremonial armor, raising the sun high into the sky. Below the painting sat an old Earth Pony with a steel blue coat and a starch white mane-- complete with matching mustache. He wore a brown tweed jacket and red tie. His eyes were wrinkled and heavy with years of memories, experiences and burdens. His desk was massive and made from solid, furnished wood that was polished to a reflection. The desk was ornately carved with a relief depicting a battle between two opposing armies of ponies.
Joe inched his way towards the ancient stallion. The stallion made no attempts of pretending Joe wasn’t there. Instead he stared straight at Joe with a stern, unreadable glare. He stuck an old fashion smoking pipe into mouth, and puffed on it. When Joe did reach the desk-- a march that felt like an eternity-- he felt the silence choking him more than the bowtie.
“Hello, MARE.” Joe said.
“Con Mane,” MARE’s voice scratched Joe’s ear like sandpaper, “Come and sit down.”
Joe obeyed and sat himself in the wonderfully carved chair that sat opposite MARE. MARE puffed a few more times on his pipe. The smoke was very intrusive and Joe fought against the urge to cough. As the smoke filled his lungs, his mind was filled with memories.
“Right then,” Joe said. He remained stoic and resolute. He was unwilling to let this old pony see any signs of weakness. “How about you tell me why I’ve been dragged here from my comfy donut shop? When I walked out of this castle a year ago I said I was done and I meant it.”
MARE removed the pipe from his mouth and rested it on a small wooden stand. His eyelids narrowed into serpentine slits. “Nopony can just walk out on Mane6. Knowing all the secrets you know makes you a liability, you see. If I had my say in it, you would be banished to the moon. It was The Princess who decided to keep you on hoof for when we needed you. And now that time has come.”
“And what makes me so special, huh?There are plenty of other ponies in Mane6 who actually give a damn. Let them do your dirty work.”
MARE slammed a hoof on the desk. Nothing that sat on the heavy desk so much as budged. “Say what you will about me but you’d better think twice before speaking ill of Princess Celestia. Have you no respect?”
It was Joe’s turn to get into MARE’s face. Their eyes were locked in mutual resentment. “Respect!? The only reason I’m even here right now is out of respect for Celestia and Equestria. I don’t owe you sprinkles, MARE! I’m only here to hear you out. I haven’t said I’d take the job yet.” Joe expected MARE to raise his chalkboard voice, but instead the old pony just leaned back into his chair.
“Oh I have a feeling you’ll take this assignment.” MARE pressed his hooves together. “It’s the reason we chose you. It involves Strange Ways.”
Joe’s ears perked up at the name. He nearly swallowed his tongue along with his saliva. “Strange Ways?” he asked.
“Yes. As I recall, you two worked as partners on several assignments. After you ‘quit’ the service, Strange Ways was promoted to station chief of Station (J) Janeighca.”
“Janeighca? the Zebra Island? That little island is still an Equestrian colony, isn’t it? Though I’ve heard that it is close to achieving independence.”
“Right,” MARE continued, “it is a key geological position for Equestria against the Griffons. Which is why Strange Ways’ job was so important.” MARE pulled a black folder that was sitting on the side of his desk, and hoofed it to Joe. Inside was a map of Janeighca and the Ponibean Sea as well as pictures of Strange Ways and a mare. “Yesterday, Janeighca suddenly went silent during their routine report. It seems Strange and his secretariat have gone missing. She was a new pony. Just recently assigned.”
Joe lost himself in the picture of Strange Ways. He was once again filled with memories- only these ones made him smile.
“Missing? Good old Strange Ways? Knowing him he’s probably found his way to some deserted island populated by beautiful zebra mares.”
“You’re confusing him with yourself, Con Mane,” MARE remarked. Joe gave him a dirty look, but he was unfazed. “Does the word ‘toppling’ mean anything to you?”
“A little.” Joe answered, “Interfering with magical aura fields using forbidden dark magic or something like that?”
MARE chewed on his pipe. “Precisely. The protective barrier that surrounds the New Lunar Republic has been destabilizing as of late.”
“What does Princess Luna’s nation have anything to do with this?”
“The Lunar Investigation Agency believes that the dark magic responsible is coming from somewhere in the Ponibean Sea.”
“And you think Strange’s disappearance is somehow involved?”
MARE hoofed Joe another black file. Inside was information collected by the NLR detailing the deteriorating stability of their defense shield. Within that shield was a whole nother country. One which was ruled by Celestia’s sister, Luna, and an elected Senate.
MARE continued his brief, “We’ll be working together with the LIA on this one. They already have an agent investigating down there: a Pegasus named Sky Blazer- Cutie Mark Classified. You know him?”
“I’ve heard of him, but never met him.”
“You’ll make contact with Claymold, Janeighca’s governor at Equestria House.”
Joe glanced up from the files and slammed them back down on the desk. “Just hold on now! I still haven’t agreed to this yet!”
MARE’s gaze turned cold and crude. “Do you want to find Strange Ways or don't you? Or would you rather sit in your lonely little bakery day in and day out with but a cup of coffee and memories of old to keep you company?”
MARE’s matter-of-fact statement left Joe stammering and defenseless. He drifted back into his seat, trying to come up with some sort of comeback but his voice had failed him. Joe looked down at the file that laid open on MARE’s overly polished desk. Strange Ways’ photograph sat there staring back at Joe with that dopey smile of his. Joe looked up at MARE who was still as stoic as ever.
“Alright,” Joe said, “alright you made your point. But this is the very last time, understood? I’m only doing this for Strange Ways.”
MARE almost smiled. “I understand perfectly, Agent Mane. Now then there is one more thing before you go.” MARE pressed down on an intercom identical to Miss Raven’s. “Miss Raven, have Piercing Armour join us please.”
Not even a minute passed before a stately Earth Pony walked through MARE’s leather door. As the pony sauntered towards Joe and MARE with the determination of an automaton, Joe noticed he held in one of his hooves a small black box.
“Morning, sir.” said Piercing Armour in a regulatory and rehearsed sort of fashion.
“Show him, Armour.” MARE replied.
Piercing Armour turned to Joe, and opened the small black box. Inside was a priceless watch with a faultless leather strap and a hoof carved face. Joe did not know a lot about watches, but he knew quality when he saw it.
“Hold out your hoof.” Armour ordered.
Joe obeyed and Armour strapped the watch around, Joe’s foreleg. “What is this thing?” Joe asked.
Armour cleared his throat and stood up straight. He recited his description with the rhythmic perfection of a textbook. “This is the latest in Equestrian magitechnology. A multipurpose wrist mounted personalized device. A ‘Magic Watch’ if you will. It’s nice and light in a filly’s saddlebag, making it discrete. This watch will soon become standard issue for all Mane6 operatives. Everything an agent needs”
Joe snorted, “Sounds like some kind of stupid gimmick to me.” Armour ignored the comment. “Like donuts shaped like hearts. Yeah it looks pretty but it’s really only useful for Earth Ponies and Pegasi. I’d rather use my own magic.”
MARE leaned forward, stern faced as ever. “Your magic is limited. All you have is standard levitation and a heat ray designed to bake bread. Last time you insisted on using just your magic you spent over a month in the hospital because you let a Griffon get too close. And the only reason you survived is because Strange Ways bailed you out. Need I remind you that you have a licence to kill, not get killed. back in the days before Nightmare Moon’s imprisonment Equestria had the Elements of Harmony to rely on, but they were destroyed when Nightmare Moon was first defeated. Mane6 and our technology is all Equestria has left to defend the Harmony of the world. And since I’ve been the head of Mane6 there has been a seventy percent drop in agent fatalities and I plan to keep it that way. You’ll be using the watch.”
Joe stood speechless as he stared down at the watch. Armour glanced to the side to see if Joe was going to say anything. When it became apparent that he wasn’t, Armour continued with his explanation.
“This is the latest in Equestrian technology.” he recited, “Full access to the Equestrian Infonet, Soliton Radar for analysing the surrounding terrain, laser cutters powerful enough to stop a Hydra and room for additional applications if we deem necessary.”
Armour stood with his head held high, quite pleased with his performance. Joe turned to MARE and sighed deeply in defeat. “Alright, if it makes you feel better I’ll wear the stupid thing.”
“That’ll be all, Armour.” MARE said.
“Very good, sir.”
Armour gave a polite bow and trotted out of MARE’s office in the same manner as he entered. When he was out of the room MARE stuck his pipe back in his mouth.
“And good luck, Con Man. You’re airship leaves tomorrow.”
Joe stared into MARE’s wrinkled eyes for a few moments. He did not know what he expected MARE to say or if he should anything. But once it became clear that MARE had nothing else to say, Joe silently walked out of the office.
“So you’re taking the case then, Joe?” Miss Raven was still behind her desk swimming in paperwork. If anything she had accumulated even more in the time that Joe was gone. She looked up at Joe with concern and Joe turned his gaze to the ceiling.
“Strange Ways saved my life. Now it’s up to me to return the favor.”
“And afterwards? What are you going to do when you get back?”
“I’ll just return to the donut shop and keep living my life day by day just like MARE said.”
Joe saw Raven’s eyes moisten. He smiled at her apologetically as he stepped towards her and placed a hoof on her cheek. Raven smiled and placed her hoof on his.
“You could always come back you know.” She told him, “Become an agent again.”
“You know I can’t do that… After what happened last year.”
“Joe, that wasn't your fault.”
The two ponies drew closer. Joe closed his eyes as he felt Raven’s horn brush against his. Buzz! With a jolt the two ponies separated and giggled awkwardly.
“Please,” said MARE over the intercom, “skip the usual pleasantries with Con Mane, Miss Raven. He’s in a hurry.”
“I’m going, I’m going you old geezer.” Joe grumbled towards the speaker, unsure as to whether MARE could hear him or not. He magically levitated his dark cotton hat off the hat rack and placed in back on his head and made for the door.
“Joe…”
“Miss Raven,” Joe cut her off, “You’re not supposed to call me Joe. When I’m on a mission my name is Mane. Con Mane.”
And with that Agent Con Mane trotted out of the Mane6 office. Raven stared at the closed door with cloudy eyes. “...good luck”
The bell atop the door of Double-O Donuts jingled as the last of the breakfast rush left the donut shop. Joe was once again left in an empty restaurant with only the jukebox jazz as his company. He stood silently in the middle of the restaurant illuminated by the old lighting that danced against the chrome table legs. The smell of his last batch of donuts still lingered in the air like a phantom. He paced the length of the room and closed all of the blinds over the windows while appreciating all the fine details that he learned to love over the past year. Every individual scuff mark on the linoleum and dent in the bar stools and a story. Black and white photographs decorated the far wall depicting some of the more notable patrons that have walked into Joe’s place. Hoity Toity, Sapphire Shores and even Princess Celestia. Joe chuckled as he remembered how Celestia was able to take down an entire doubled layered chocolate cake all by herself. A smudge of embarrassing chocolate still stained one of her cheeks in the photo. Joe returned to his position behind the counter and panned across the shop one last time.
“Sorry old girl, but I have to leave again.”
Joe wiped an eye with his hoof and opened the cash register to double check the morning’s earnings. He was in the middle of counting his bits when he heard the bell ring again.
“Sorry but I’m closing up early today.” He said without bothering to look up, “I’m going on a bit of a vacation.”
“Oh that’s too bad.” Said a familiar voice, “I was hoping to finish our conversation. I've even brought cards for poker.”
Joe looked up and saw a burgundy mare with ice blue eyes standing in the middle of the room. She wasn't wearing any clothing and Joe was able to appreciate her deep coat and Cutie Mark of three black ribbons. Joe smiled at the sight of her face and ran a hoof through his greasy, matted mane.
“Oh, hey there, Red. Good to see you. Unfortunately something came up and I have to leave for the airdock immediately.”
Joe came out from behind the counter and met Red Velvet in the middle of the room. They sat down together at one of the empty booths near a window and Joe opened up the blinds.
“Does this have something to do with the donuts you were supposed to make for Princess Celestia.” she asked innocently.
It took a moment for Joe to register what she had meant. He remembered the Royal Guard from the previous night and how Velvet convinced him to go to the castle.
“Yeah, I guess you could say that.”
Velvet reached out and put a hoof on Joe’s. Joe felt the sweat behind his ears again.
“Well do you really, really have to go?” She said with a wink of an eye, “You could always just stay here you know.”
“Yeah I suppose I could. It certainly would be easier just to forget the whole thing. But I’m afraid there is a bit of a mess I need to clean up.
Joe removed his hoof from under Velvet’s. The concern was apparent on her face and he immediately regretted saying so much.
“Something from your past?” she asked.
“There’s an old friend of mine who is in some hot water and it’s partially because of me. Now I need to go and make things right with him. I've been hiding behind that counter for too long now. It’s about time I face reality and pony up.”
Velvet exhaled in disappointment and cast her eyes to the side.
“Just when things were getting interesting again.”
Velvet stared out the window into the streets of Canterlot. The towering castle loomed over the horizon and the streets were once again bustling with the social elite and the needlessly rich. Joe watched as she cradled herself in her hooves and stared out into the world half lost in thought. Joe stood up out of the booth and put his hoof around her shoulder. He guided her up and towards the door after he closed the blinds again. Before he opened the door he shared another long glance with Velvet.
“When did you did you say you had to leave again?” she asked.
“Immediately.”
Joe reach for the door but Velvet grabbed his arm and pulled him closer to her. Their lips met and lingered before Velvet reared back and stared at him with those eyes of hers.
“Well… Almost immediately.” Joe corrected himself. He locked his lips with hers again and, still within her embrace, he locked the door to the donut shop and turned out the lights.