I am very disappointed in all of you! Every single one of you! You have let your uncle Discord down, and he is not happy about it.
Remember how I said I would write my journal every Tuesday? Guess what. It's been exactly two Tuesdays since I last wrote. And not a single soul said a thing about it. I was expecting the streets to be on fire in every city across Equestria, I thought there would be political unrest, Celestia and Luna clinging for their last strand of power as they prayed for me to release the next section in my diary. But not a single word was uttered about my absence.
To be perfectly honest, you gotta yell at me sometimes. If this ol' Draconeqqus begins to wallow in the mires of indolence, it is your job to scream and let me know! C'mon! Yell, make some noise, spank me! Yes, in fact, do that last one. I respond well to that.
Well, I have had quite the adventure these last few weeks. I got to spend some quality time with Fluttershy the other day. She finally forgave me for the incident in Los Pegasus, and I can say that I'm truly thankful for that. I even got to spend a little time with that temperamental rabbit of hers. What's his name? Demon? No... It was something to do with heaven, not the other place... Saint? Cas? Oh yes! Angel. That's what it was. Also by quality time with Angel, I mean stifling my laughter as he flails around with his tail glued to the fan.
If you're reading this Fluttershy, please understand that I'm kidding. I would never hurt the little furball, even if he did bite me for trying to take one of his carrots.
But getting back to the point... You may have be asking yourself why I chose today of all days to do an update. It seems as if I just dropped off the map without much warning, and suddenly, I'm back. Well let me tell you that Cadence may kill me before I finish writing this, so I felt it urgent to record my latest story before she inevitably finds me.
I had a little fun in the Crystal Empire today, which I decided to pay a visit due to the fact that I had never actually been there before. New places for a being like myself are very rare, and so I felt it appropriate to stop by.
I teleported inside the castle, where the guards immediately had a fit. It took a lot of convincing and a strong sleeping spell, but I did manage to calm everyone down. I then began to explore, because I am just as curious as I am brutally photogenic. Up and down the stairs I went of the castle, down every hallway, into every corridor, and even some of the balconies. I must say that it is a nice castle indeed! But that's when I heard the funniest noises from the floor above me. I teleported my way up to the balcony on top of me, before turning round and noticing some voices coming from behind a drawn curtain. It sounded an awful lot like Cadance and Shining, but they were saying such odd things. In fact, Shining had to discipline his wife for doing... I don't know what she did. Apparently though, she was a "bad mare,". What odd nomenclature. That's when I was unceremoniously smacked in the face by this odd object... I picked it up and realized it was a riding crop! And what an adorable pink tuft on the handle.
Oh it all made sense then, Shining and Cadence must have been rounding up cattle, and silly Cadence forgot to herd them right, and they all got loose in the castle. So shining had to spank her for making such a silly mistake, and in a show of anger, tossed the riding crop that they must have been using out into the balcony.
Well I wouldn't want to intrude on such a pressing marital disciplining, so I took my business elsewhere. I do remember hearing a few ponies chatting in Ponyville about an artifact called the Crystal Heart. I've been dying to see it, so I decided to set out in search of it. I zapped myself down the sidewalks, and was immediately surprised to see an enourmous crystal statue in the likeness of a very familiar dragon...
Well would you look at that! Spike must be a celebrity here! Good for the little one.
But all of a sudden, I felt a disturbance in my nostril. I ignored it at first, but then it intensified. It became a flaring tickle all up my nose, as I felt a sneeze begin to charge inside of me. Then, with a mighty gust if air, fire and magic, I sneezed with the force of a platoon of Pegasi.
"Oh goodness, bless me," I said, wiping my nose and looking up at the statue, only to notice that I had accidentally turned it into something quite different. It was funny, what were the odds of me sneezing this piece of art into a statue of me shredding a guitar whilst I stood atop a bouncy ball? How strange.
Also that sneeze was weird too. I must have been having allergic reactions to something in the air, as I sneezed several times, subsequently causing other happenstances that I didn't quite mean to do. I was sightseeing the arena they used for the recent Equestria Games, when suddenly, a wild sneeze appeared!
Lets just say that the next Equestria Games are going to be near Cloudsdale. Oh yeah, and there was this baby shower, where everyone brought their little foals to congratulate the soon to be mother. She looked like she was about to deliver, and all the babies there looked so fragile... One sneeze later and I had accidentally... eaten all of their cake. Whoops.
And that's when I discovered the Crystal Heart! How magnificent it was, rotating on it's little pedestal. I heard that this artifact was capable of spreading unparalleled love and affection to all who came near it. With just a little magic, it could take two strangers and make them into the best of lovers. Why, it works so perfectly with miss Cadenza, seeing as she is the patron of love and, and- Achoo!
Whoopsie daisy, I had accidentally introduced a sneeze so powerful on the crystal heart, that I caused it to overload and shoot a brilliant pink ray of light into the air. It exploded like a firework, before raining down onto the city in bubblegum colored droplets. I conveniently had an umbrella to keep myself dry, all the while I watched ponies stumble around in confusion as they tried to identify this odd pink layer of rain that had showered over them.
There was nervous chatter and uncertainty that echoed plainly around the area, before everyone stopped and began looking at each other with the most odd expressions. What I saw was a carnal desire that suddenly needed satisfaction. All of their faces began to narrow, as they all began staring into one another's eyes. No one moved a muscle, until one solitary mare slowly trotted from her position to a tall brown stallion. They stared into each other's very souls, before the mare practically launched herself at her newfound lover. As their lips connected, the entirety of the square erupted into a scene of thunderous romance. My goodness, I was wide eyed and rosy cheeked for a good 3 minutes.
I then saw a pink figure swoop down into the square, looking around confusedly and frantically. Her mane was a mess, and she was flying kinda crooked.
And then she saw me.
"Discord!" She shouted. "I knew you had to have been involved. How on earth did you manage.... This?" She then took a look at the Crystal Heart, which was spinning rapidly, shooting little sparks here and there. Cadences face twisted to one of anger and disgust. "How dare you abuse these ponies emotions for your own personal enjoyment! This is an abomination to everything I stand for, and I will not allow it to-"
That's when she noticed something in my hand. Her face reddened even brighter than mine, before her hoof sank and her pupils narrowed. "That pink tuft on the end of that... How did you get my ridi-"
That's all I heard because let me tell you, I was outta there. And here I am, writing my diary in an underground bunker which I built a week ago instead of writing my diary. Oh yeah. I'm leaving this funny little riding crop here for you. Just in case I get lazy again. You know what to do.
Hmm... I wonder if Cadence and Shining managed to herd all that cattle without their crop.