The Second Battle of Canterlot, while quite an important battle within itself, is more known for its role in later history, mainly in acting as a catalyst for things to come. Nonetheless, the battle must still be recounted in order to soak in all the historical context goodness. And hey, you know that writing about attempted unicorn genocide is always a-okay in my books. I couldn’t think of a better way to spend a Friday night. The only thing that would make this day even better would be if I had access to that mirror pool to get me some double-Larry action. And if the attack had actually succeeded. But now I’m getting ahead of myself.
In all honesty, this battle doesn’t need all the buildup that was required for the Equestrian Civil War. It’s pretty straightforward, on the front and narrow so to speak. To really get ourselves back into the head of things, let’s turn to see how our friends,[353] the Nightmare forces are doing.
During the Stagnation, the Nightmare forces were still trapped in Tartarus, supposedly for all eternity. But of course, being eternal creatures of darkness themselves (just like Celestia. I bet under different circumstances they probably would’ve been great friends), their power still could not be underestimated, as they still retained their war numbers, and now, experience, owing to that, y’know, eternal thing.[354]
So the Nightmares bided their time, licking their wounds as their strength began to return, unbeknownst to Celestia.[355] Technically, they had returned to their full power by the end of the first century of the Stagnation, but they continued to wait for a more opportune moment, especially with that Celestia-placed seal on the gates of Tartarus still in effect and running at full strength. They had to wait for the seal’s power to slowly diminish, no matter how long it took, and hope Celestia wouldn’t notice their growing power in the wake of her own national problems. But most of all, they continue to wait for they knew Nightmare Moon’s return would come soon.
How exactly they knew, I don’t really know.
Maybe it had to do with the fact, as eternal creatures of darkness, they would be acquainted with the dark powers of the Elements as well, and as such, would know its full power and how long Nightmare Moon would be sealed for.
Or perhaps they had a pony traitor infiltrate Celestia’s quarters, learn of this vital information, and return to report to them.
Or maybe it had to do with the fact that there was a freakin’ legend in a picture book that said Nightmare Moon would return in a thousand years.[356] Why the heck Celestia would release this legend (albeit quietly, in an obscure book that not many would read) in the first place is beyond me. Another mysterious question that can only be answered by concluding Celestia’s the über dumb.
History says that they had to wait and slowly rebuild their strength in Tartarus before they could truly escape.[357] The magic seal that persisted in the gates of Tartarus would be weakened in due time, and upon their escape, they planned to strike the heart of Equestria once more with their Nightmare Princess, and reclaim the victory that they felt they deserved.[358]
They planned to escape and reunite with Nightmare Moon on her return, crushing Equestria with the full extent of their combined power. Their logic in choosing Canterlot first, was probably due to the fact that it would be the expected place Nightmare Moon would go to upon her own release, and as such, held the most likely chance of reuniting with her. But most of all, they probably chose Canterlot on a personal level; it was the place they suffered their most humiliating defeat, and after nearly a thousand years of rumination, they wanted the victory that they felt they deserved. Preach it, soul sister.
But it seemed they sucked at counting, for while they managed to get the day right, they attacked some forty years too early.[359]
This of course, had the net effect of their forces lacking Luna/Nightmare Moon’s contribution in their attack on Canterlot again, but, like before, they still managed to be quite a threat to behold.
What I found curiously interesting was that this mistake made it seem as though the Nightmare Forces had no concept of time. I mean, I know they had no true education, and the lack of sun on Tartarus didn’t help things, but still. If the Nightmare force leaders were still alive (or if they could be considered alive in the first place, but semantics schemantics), there’s a great book on math I could recommend them. An Abhorrent Offense: Princess Luna and the Invasion of Privacy.[360] Oh, and Cheerilee’s math book crap thing. But mostly buy mine. Seriously.
Anyways, the fact that ALL of the Nightmare forces somehow made such a grievous counting error (I mean seriously, even I learned how to count to four without using my hooves when I was in the third grade), only cements the possibility that they were tricked; fooled into thinking a thousand years had passed.
It had been suspected in history that this timing confusion was the work of another dark figure who lurked in the nethers of Tartarus; a villain from generations past.[361] One whose potential for dark power greatly outshined any other threat that would rise against Equestria, and as such, did not want the Nightmare Forces to conquer Equestria before them. For this villain saw the Nightmare forces as more of a threat than Celestia, and therefore did not want to have to face them (especially as they did not have as great magic to steal, it was more intrigued by pony magic), so they purposely orchestrated their failure. It was a being, who, once given the opportunity, would be sure to rise up again and become the greatest threat that Equestria had ever known.
I am of course, speaking of Celestia. She probably just happened to trick the Nightmare forces when she went to Tartarus a couple of times by herself to give Cerberus a quick bone.
Get your minds out of the gutter, I meant bone as in the kind a dog would enjoy, doggy style. Oh god I’m just making it worse. Well whatever you’re thinking, I wouldn’t put it past her; she’s a former unicorn after all.
So if the perpetrator of this was indeed Celestia, this would make it a false flag attack, something that is not looked too kindly upon by most citizens, and have caused violent revolutions to erupt for less. Of course, if this is the Griffon Kingdom we’re talking about here, they probably would’ve started a civil war over which side an egg laid by a rooster would fall off on a triangular roof. (You clawed idiots, it’s obviously the right. Cuz roosters hate Marx.[362])
Besides, who else could be in Tartarus, the deserving ghosts of the critics of the Equinus Republic? Sure, there was a small confrontation in the Classical era regarding the Celestial sisters and some long-forgotten, immortal creature of evil from a far off land (but still managed to know Discord pre-petrification. How, who cares?), who sought to snatch all of the magic of Equestria away from us ponies, but why should he matter?
If you so press on, I believe his name was…Crunch the Rockdog.[363] Well anyways, that moment was just one of Celestia’s many “successes” I glossed over in the Classical era, and as such, hold little importance now.
Like before, I’m sure he’ll never be relevant in history again. Trust me on this one, I’m a doctor. I’ve got a PhD. Multiple actually.[364]
But of course, this false flag attack wasn’t noticed to be Celestia’s doing by anypony at all, because they’re all so dumb. This is why ponies like Celestia continue to rule over us. Because even as we improve from our idiocy from the Classical Era, we’re always gonna stay the same. Which is why this essay will change all that. Larry and I against the world. No, me and Larry. I want to be first.[365]
Why she would do this? Eh, iunno. Probably to cement something she probably had in the works long ago. And will be covered near the end of the chapter so hold your horses, ya dingus. I’m trying to maintain suspense here.
Upon the day of the Summer Sun Celebration (which is, as I remind you, the anniversary of Celestia’s final confrontation with her sister, and the expected date of her return), the Nightmare forces broke away from Tartarus when the magical seal was the weakest, somehow escaping Cerberus as well.[366] In all honesty I’m not too certain how that happened either, although admittedly Cerberus did have a rare habit of leaving his post.
After the battle’s conclusion, Celestia probably punished Cerberus for this by spraying him with strong squirts of water, spanking him with a large newspaper, and taking away his balls. Oh god no, stop going there. Why were you even thinking all that? You really are filthy.
I meant balls as in the ones you play with. I feel like I’m making it worse. Although, admittedly, I do fully endorse the spaying and neutering of pets. Only because I’m all for the chemical castration of all non-pony species. ANYWHOOOO
Back to the escape of the Nightmare forces, they first returned to their dark hiding places, where they had slumbered before Luna sought them out herself. They had long, twisting tunnels underground, rivalling even the Diamond Dogs in prowess, and certainly much, much deeper within the earth, where no light could penetrate.[367] These tunnels; mostly unused during the war, were now used to sneak unnoticed near the mountain of Canterlot, as well as re-equip themselves with their weaponry before beginning their assault undetected.[368]
The city was in a much worse situation than the last battle. And that’s saying something. I mean, it wasn’t really like in a bad state like the first Battle of Canterlot (this “bad” is of course used in a context-oriented sense; as long as there are unicorns in Canterlot, it’s always gonna be bad), in that the city was filled with weary citizens and military alike, but rather that it was bad ‘cuz it had too many civilians in one location. Many ponies had stayed up for the entire night during the Summer Sun Celebration, and the streets were even more crowded than they ever were before.[369] This massive influx of visitors could be especially owed to the fact that with the advents of trains, the Summer Sun Celebration received attendance numbers higher than population numbers ever were in pre-war Canterlot.[370]
It was unknown if the Nightmare forces knew of such a thing when they planned the attack, but in the end, it all worked out to their favor. For the more civilians they were, the more chaos would be wrought once the battle begun. It would leave civilian evacuation plans unruly and unorganized, leaving the city in greater disarray, and allowed for a greater chance of Nightmare victory.
So in a flash during the night, the city found itself about to be under attack.
Celestia of course was “unprepared” for such a thing, although she did have her multitudes of royal guards (“supposedly” as usual) to protect the city from such a sudden assault, as well as her Canterlot defense squadrons stationed in, I’ll let you guess.
Trottingham? Damn, you suck at guessing. Canterlot, ya moron.
The assault was unluckily noticed before the Nightmare could fully breach the city and lay waste to its innards as they intended to. While it had been many centuries before the Nightmare’s last attack, the suspicious figures lurking in the dark, as well as Celestia’s own memory caused defense measures to be enacted immediately upon sighting the forces (convenient as always, Celestia).[371] And it wasn’t a moment too soon (of course it wouldn’t be), for the Nightmare began their full assault, charging upon the Canterlot gates. The Canterlot military quickly pushed to meet them, and while fighting a noble battle, utterly failed to fully repel the Nightmare assaults, especially in the face of such pure fury.[372]
Admittedly, the clone army were much weaker than ever before after years of continued clone retardation, and with their continued use over generations, they stopped being treated as an actual force of defense and more like the fodder for the baddies. Because not once after the Equestrian Civil War have they done something useful again; they’re mostly there for appearance’s sake now.
But they did manage to ensure the Nightmare didn’t fully breach the city, so they’ve got that at least. If I was a teacher I would give them my “You Tried” sticker. But it doesn’t have an explanation mark or anything, just a period.
Most of the remaining military, on Celestia’s commands, went on the defensive, and focused on evacuating all immediate citizenry still in the area, while Celestia took on the bulk of the forces alone. The Nightmare supposedly let up from their brutal charges, perhaps in fear of Celestia, and instead wheeled out their catapults of dark energy, firing upon the city in bursts of destructive black and blue.[373]
In this regard, I suppose they had a decent strategy going for them. But ninety Hundred Years of Solitude certainly gave them enough time to plan this out.[374] For they knew of Celestia’s own raw power, having experienced it in its full “glory” in the first battle of Canterlot, and without Nightmare Moon there to give them their own alicorn power boost as they were hoping, they were forced to rely on other tactics to succeed. And by firing hundreds of these catapults at once, it ensured maximum chaos throughout the city, as they smashed through Celestia’s temporary, makeshift barriers, and rained devastation upon the city.[375]
In this sense, the Royal Guard’s shifting role to protect the citizenship made more sense, along with the fact that they were completely useless offensively. And with so many attacks on so many sides, especially with the Nightmare’s greater focus on attacking the more accessible powerless civilians (who were still in the process of evacuating), and without boasting the organized numbers of the first battle, Celestia was clearly in trouble.[376]
In essence, the Nightmare’s tactics were solid. As a rock. The chaos caused by these catapults was excessive, and even Celestia had to shift from her offensive strikes to an immediate defensive strategy to protect her city. She would pull off some of her “city-wide defensive bursting barriers” like she had previously used in the last battle, but that was not exactly something she could pull off in rapid succession, and its success was limited by the Nightmare’s own strategic tactics; most stayed far away from the city out of the offensive barrier’s maximal range while continuing to bombard it with catapult fire.[377] And with Celestia having to continuously defend against these hundreds of catapult strikes alone, this would indeed tire her out, and leave the city open for an easy capture.
In a normal war situation (that Celestia “conveniently” made the plans for, in the event that a sudden war would break across Equestria), Celestia would send a call for her numerous reinforcements across Equestria (which would be expected to arrive soon, as the railroad system greatly improved mobilization times), but this tactic was better for preparing for a war, not arriving to fight a battle already in process.[378] The train ride still would take hours, and even for the fastest of pegasi like that bullshit “Miracle in the Everfree”, it would still take an hour or two to reach Canterlot from Cloudsdale.[379]
And none of these were feasible methods in this scenario. For as I said, this battle was already in progress. While ponies did indeed send word across the land to those nearest who could help, messages still travelled slowly, and these reinforcements would arrive nowhere near in time. It’s like that funny “what-if” scenario I mentioned in Chapter 22 all over again, where everypony was already dead when the reinforcements finally arrived.
So how the heck nowadays, the recently crowned Princess Twilight gets letters from a burping dragon instantaneously is still a mystery to me. And if you tell me it’s through magic, I will cut you.
Celestia was being pushed to her breaking point in magical exhaustion, still forming barriers and protecting who she could, while the Nightmare forces remained relatively unscathed, continuing to fire shot after shot.[380] I wish I could see that too. If only there was a “Celestia’s Failures” Scrapbook somewhere in history. All those pictures of her in misery, exhaustion, or reaching an emotional breaking point would be worth their weight in gold. And you can bet that if I could go back in time, I’d be making a lot of those contributions to that book too. ;) Probably write a funny little caption below some of em.
“Sipping appletinis at my window, watching Celestia trying to defend a city in a battle she knows will most likely end in her bloody defeat. Fun-filled day 06/21/1969!”
And so, Celestia was shot down in a bloody rain of dark fire, ending her unholy regime. Canterlot was of course, sacked, pillaged, and burned to the ground, a dark mark on the once proud unicorn mountainside, and it was left as a cruel display of the dark prowess brandished by the new leadership. As the Nightmare began establishing their dominance across the land in similar battles, opposed only by the scattered and weakened national military, Equestria eventually fell under their complete control, as they reformed the nation into what they had desired, and prepared a proper welcome for the return of their true leader.
ORRRRRRRR, AT LEAST THAT’S WHAT SHOULD HAVE HAPPENED.
BUT GUESS THE FUCK WHAT.
IT DIDN’T.
“Celestia, far more tired than she had ever been, defending so many ponies in her city of Canterlot at once, was physically, and magically, exhausted. It seemed as though she was ready to fall at any moment; anypony with eyes could see she was pushed to her very limits long ago. But she persisted, for us.
However, it was not a battle she could keep on fighting. And she didn’t have to. For more and more ponies would begin to join in the defense. While there were many ponies who were essentially, powerless, and needed to be evacuated to somewhere safe, there were many ponies who could fight as well. They weren’t initially there; they must have been caught up in all the confusion regarding immediate evacuation, as well as the fleeing mass of panicked citizens. But once the safety of citizens was mostly ensured, with only a few stragglers remaining near the front lines, it was these ponies who stood up, and helped to fight this evil alongside their princess. And as always, we were reminded that our princess, while a powerful leader and goddess, was still, in fact, a pony who would need help from time to time. And it was these heroes who answered the call.
Unicorn, and even pegasi magic, were all used to expand one of Celestia’s weakened golden barriers. Before, the barrier was feeble and extremely weakened, but now the barrier grew larger and greater in strength. It had surpassed the size of legends I had heard from the Civil War; it long outgrew the boundaries of the Canterlot gates, and threatened to swallow the cliffs as well. And at this moment, the Nightmare forces chose to retreat, being chased from the city by crowds made up of heroes, soldiers, and goddesses alike. It was Canterlot’s own little miracle. The battle was over.”[381]
Freakin’…SERIOUSLY? The day was saved due to unicorn (and pegasi) intervention again? Not even the military-trained clones this time, just a buncha pansy assed unicorns (and pegasi) picked literally off the street. And I’m expected to believe that?
Ooh, us unicorns are just so great. Ooh, us unicorns are just so special.
That’s a bunch of baloney. Big fat baloney. I’m sorry for my foul mouth today, but I hope you can see where I’m fucking coming from. Ridiculous.
Whatever.
WHAT THE FUCK EVER!
I’M OVER IT!
I’M FUCKING OVER IT![382]
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
And so the battle ended. Ho-hum.
The importance of this battle is not only the result of the battle itself (which Celestia won, big FUCKING surprise), but what followed afterward. Celestia knew that she could no longer shoulder the weight of Equestria by herself. While she had promised to do so before, and would continue to do so to the best of her ability, she knew that she had to start thinking towards the future.
And so, recruiting some of the strongest, and magically capable unicorns she knew, especially those from the recent battle, Celestia began an all-new project. Her own school; Princess Celestia’s School for Gifted Unicorns. But most of all, this set up something else. Her search for succession.
Therefore, upon reviewing the battle’s aftermath, not only was this a catalyst for her opening of this school of hers (which would play big roles in history to come, and open the door to a buncha other shit), but if I may get back to the false flag attack thing (which I know I obviously can, because ain’t none of you gonna rat me out to the coppers without receiving a personalized lesson in how snitches get bitches[383]), it was also a sign that Celestia could pull off these false flag attacks without the public noticing. It was an experiment an’ was it![384]
For now Celestia knew she could coordinate these false flag attacks in the future, in greater complexity and succession, without any fear, for she knew that no pony would ever trace her back as the true culprit.[385] With these two consequences of battle in mind (but mostly the false flag attack thing, wayyy more important in history than that school of hers), one can now easily see the significance of the Battle. For while one might think it held little importance, and should have been relegated to a simple footnote in history, you will see that it instead, shaped the present future in many ways to come. In the past future. Future’s past. Whatever.[386]