//------------------------------// // The snake chicken thing // Story: Why was I so lucky? Because magic // by Artyom the Brony //------------------------------// “So… what’s going to happen to him in the Everfree?” Griffin, AKA green text, asked me “Y’know, stuff,” I replied “What? Why can’t you tell me. It’s not like we’re going to spoil anything for anybody,” I stared off into space. “Y’know… according to the law of infinite probability this could all be some shoddily written fanfic,” “God damnit not this again,” Griffin said as he facepalmed. “We could also be part of some mega machines programming, our entire lives a mere nanosecond to a larger being as we send some kind of signal out to the world in a search for what is likely porn,” I gave Griffin a dead serious look. “Or perhaps we’re a pixel on the computer screen showing the porn. We could be simulated giant sex you know,” He just threw his arms up in the air and walked towards the snack room. “YOU CAN’T RUN AWAY FROM YOUR DESTINY FOREVER GRIFFIN!” ----------- I had just left Ponyville when red text popped up in my head. Heh heh, works every time. So how are things with you? Off to get the Shrubbery I see “Wait… I thought the dreamplace or whatever was where I could talk with you,” I said I’m essentially god. Deal with it. Now. Getting the Shrubbery I see. At midnight no less, and no pony pals! “Yes, that is the plan,” I replied, feeling up some grenades. I really have a bad feeling about going into the Everfree. How do you feel about cherry pie? “As in do I like it? Yeah, it’s alright,” So God is real bad at smalltalk, or is just really weird. Probably a combination. Interesting, interesting. Peach cobbler? “Not a fan,” GWAH! BLASPHEMY! BURN THE HERETIC! I saw a pie spawn in front of my face and on instinct I ducked. Said pie went from zero to mach two instantly, and it broke the heck out of somebody’s window. Oh… I’ll have to fix that later. But seriously what the heck man? Peach cobbler is great! “I don’t know, I just never really liked it, I don’t know why,” Do you like peaches? “Yeah, they’re alright,” I said, stepping fully into the forest Alright. Peaches are ALRIGHT! I’m sorry, but you brought this upon yourself I don’t know what he meant by that, but I just need to keep walking. As I walked though, I heard animalistic grunts, which got louder and louder. I went into Skyrim sneak mode, and walked up a rock. “WHY WOULD THEY DO THAT!” I shouted, running away from the horror. It’s part of nature “NO IT’S NOT! SIXTY NINE IS NOT A THING THAT SHOULD BE ATTEMPTED BY HYRDRAS!” Racist “GO AWAY!” I climbed up a tree and sat on a branch, trying to delete that scarring image from my mind. Ok, new plan is to appease the voices, so horrifying and potentially sanity threatening things do not happen. I hopped down from my perch and started to walk again, though this time I had no sense of direction… damnit. I looked up hoping to see the sun, but the canopy was thick… that and it was night. Wow I’m a moron. I shrugged, and trudged onwards, eager to get the stupid bush and get out. About ten minutes later I found myself sitting on a rock, dumping out some rocks and twigs that managed to find their way into my boot. I slipped it back on and double knotted it when I heard a twig snap. I jerked up and scanned the area, keeping my pistol pointing exactly where I was looking. I would never use this on ponies who are more innocent than my four year old niece, but I can deal with killing a wolf or something in self defense. I heard a squawk of anger behind me, and I whirled around. I looked into an abomination’s eyes, I only slightly panicked when I saw it, and as a result I jerked the trigger back. I don’t remember being that jumpy, but what’s done is done. The snake chicken thingy looked at me with tears welling in it’s eyes, it gripped the rather clean hole in it’s chest, squawked to the heavens, and fell over to the ground. I feel kinda bad now. My feet were still stiff though. I looked down and sighed. I had stone feet. I don't feel so bad now. “Alright, alright, alright alright alright alright ALRGIHTY THEN! How in the sweet sam asterix times four am I supposed to walk through a forest when I’m all set an prepped to go swim with the fishies!?” Walk “Gee, thanks. You’re so helpful,” I started to walk again, like you would if you were knee deep in water and trying to run, so you lift up your whole leg and twist it to the side and all that crap, and you look like a moron but you wanna have fun at the same time, yeah like that. Except I wasn’t having fun, I just had twenty pound feet. Interesting description “Ninety nine bottles of beer on the wall, ninety nine bottles of beer! You take one down, you pass it around, you got ninety eight bottles of beer on the wall!” Petty revenge it may be, but it's worth it. What are you doing. “NINETY EIGHT BOTTLES OF BEER ON THE WALL…” Oh… oh I see. Well sir, I’ll have you know on a field trip in elementary school me and a friend of mine went to negative seventy four bottles. NINETY SEVEN BOTTLES OF BEER ON THE WALL… ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- That was a wonderful waste of time. A solid thirty minutes of singing that song, negative eighty eight bottles of beer, and very close to my destination, according to red text. Just five more minutes! Assuming you keep this pace and direction that is I picked up the pace, going from knee deep in water, to marching Nazi who was also head of the ministry of silly walks. My best defense now was to confuse would be predators simply by walking past them. That’s not a bad idea “So Red Text, god, or whatever, why again am I getting this plant? I mean, I know why, but how is it all gonna work?” Uhm… how mad would you be if I said that this was a really big joke, and there isn’t an actually point to this? “PRETTY MAD!” I shouted Good to know. But there is a point to it I huffed. Get over it. Once you get the shrubbery, you need to get Twilight to shove it all up in your filter, then you’ll have a solid year of breathable, anti-rapist air. “One year? So I need to make a trip like this annually?” I clarified Yup. But every time I’m gonna make it a little harder, or get you mixed up in an evil scheme, or perhaps you’ll have an overseas relationship that will throw a serious monkey wrench into your current one… “What? But… but I’m not in a relationship!” That’s what you take issue with? That’s just… aight fine. Fine whatever. But yeah, you keep telling yourself that A few moments after that exchange I came across a large clearing, in the middle of which was a rather small shrub that looked exactly like the one I needed. “I hate everything,” I said simply, before walking out into the clearing What do you mean boyo “This is far to convenient, and don’t you dare try and tell me this doesn’t look like an arena,” You raise a good point… what are your feelings on cake I stopped. I don’t know what was going to happen if I answered that, so I just stopped. “You know I could probably make a living out in the Everfree,” I said to myself Hey c’mon man. Don’t talk like that “It can’t be that bad, and I’m A SOLDIER for crying out loud! Why am I being such a puss about everything!” Buddy, we need some plot development. You can’t just abandon everything “For that matter, why did I simply not go to a psychiatrist as soon as I started hearing voices! Why am I such a moron!” Etrius, my main man, it’s not that bad, you aren’t stupid, just go grab the shrub, I’ll even delete the cake tribal’s! “Why was I so lucky, for everything to end up perfectly fine!? AM I A CARTOON! WHAT EVEN IS THIS?!” Don’t break the fourth wall man, we aren’t famous enough to do that “I just… looking back… I can’t even… I just can’t even,” HEY! Don’t you dare pull a stupid white girl on me “BUT I CAN’T EV-” I was stopped when a red, magical face with rayman hands appeared in front of me, and slapped me with it’s magical rayman hand. “Osi-I mean Etrius. You CAN even. You were going through a tough time in your “life” and you made some bad calls. So what?” “… Why do you have rayman hands?” “You good now?” “Yeah I’m good. Sorry for flipping out. So should I get the shrubbery now?” “Yes please,” The face then disappeared I walked over to the shrubbery and plucked it from the ground, it was surprisingly easy, and nothing tore. It all came, roots… everything. Sweet. I then thought of what just happened. “I am so insane it’s not even funny,” Yes it is I sighed and started my walk back to Ponyville, not noticing that another snake chicken thing with a heart boxed shape of chocolates was glaring at me. Wait… yes I did. I commented on that. Should I be concerned about that? Nah. It’s chill. You don’t remember jack “But-” Shhhh “Red-” Shhh “Whatever,” I "DIDDN’T NOTICE" the angry chicken snake things with a heart shaped box of chocolates… and is that a letter? Probably a love letter if the chocolates are anything to go by. OK I got this. I didn’t notice the snake chicken thing with a heart shaped box of chocolates and a love letter, glaring at me with tears in it's eyes from just behind that tree over there.