Have you ever heard that one weird nursery rhyme: First comes the worst, second is the best, third something or other?
Well, let me just do a little revision so it can be a little more statue ‘friendly’: The first day is alright, man, the second day is tight, man, but dis the third day, ‘cause it ain’t alright, man. Because let me tell you, there was nothing that happened all day.
No one was running around doing horrible things that would scar me for life, none of the maids were around, so I couldn’t listen to any horribly incriminating things that I would be using after I got back to normal; hell, the birds weren’t even out and about, so I couldn’t bitch about them shitting on me.
…I almost miss those little shit factories…
Anyway, there I was… being a statue and bored out of my mind. Not even the statue jokes were helping, so I was just staring at the sky, looking at the clouds and trying not to lose my mind.
That one looks like a house… a slightly triangle-y house. And that one over there kinda looks like a… dick? Yeah, it’s definitely a big ol’ Johnson…. You can see the balls and—
“There he is, Shining!”
If I could, I would’ve sighed in relief. Oh thank Christ, something other than other statues or clouds to look at! I thought, trying my very hardest to look around to see who was sneaking up on me. Come on, don’t go and walk around me. I don’t want any false hope an—
THUNK!
I’m sure you’ve seen that dumb thing in the movies where when something bad happens everything will slow down so the main character can watch everything that happens around him, and I’m sure you think that it’s pretty dumb. Well, I, Bob Johnson, can tell you that if it ever happens to you, there will be nothing dumb about it.
I had to watch as some genius smashed right into me and knocked. My. Flippen’. Finger. OFF. Not just kinda off, I mean OFF, like I got to see if fly through the air while I screamed my own head off in surprise and horror. I might not have hurt, but I DIDN’T HAVE A FREAKEN’ FINGER ANYMORE!!!
So, naturally, to the best of my ability, I told this mystery villain (I still couldn’t see who he or she was) exactly what I thought of him.
YOU DIRTY, ROTTEN, DICKHEAD!!! YOUR MOTHER SUCKS EGGS FOR BITTY BITS YOU COCK SUCKIN’ SON OF A—
“Shining! What the hay did you just do?” someone, who apparently shared my righteous fury about the loss of my favorite finger, yelled at the offender, who back up until I could clearly see him.
It was a pretty big—compared to ponies; not me— white unicorn who now had the unfortunate deal of being the only human’s mortal enemy. Even though he didn’t look like he meant it I was still going to do… horrible things to him when I got out of here for knocking off my pinkie!
I’m even sure that I could get away with throwing him off a balcony or something. I’ve seen enough C.S.I, and I think I’m an endangered species and stuff, so he could kiss his furry little ass goodbye while I walked away with just minorish jail time.
“Oh horseapples! I think I knocked something off!” the unicorn shouted, frantically looking around while I continued to cuss him out. “Cadence, did you see something fly into the air?”
One of the other princesses… Cadince, Candyce?... eh, trotted into my field of vision with a stern look on her face. “You need to me more careful, honey, I’m sure that Bob here doesn’t want to wake up and see that he’s missing anything.”
I’M GONNA SHOVE MY SIZE ELEVEN’S SO FAR UP YOUR FURRY BUTT MY LEG HAIR WILL TICKLE YOUR THROAT YOU—
This ‘Shining’ horse-guy gave her a sheepish look. “I’m sorry, sweetie, I just caught my hoof on something and—“
The pretty pink princess leaned over and gave his cheek a nuzzle. “I’m sure that Bob here will forgive you when you find whatever fell off him.” She looked me over closely. “It looks like you’ll be looking for a little finger; isn’t that right, Bob?”
HATE! HAAAAATE!!! I’M GONNA KILL YA YOU DIRTY EXCUSE FOR A PACK ANIMAL! AND THEN I’M—
Shining nodded. “I’ll go get it right now.” He gave me a quick once over. “You know, this really doesn’t look like somepony who’d start a riot.”
I’M GOING TO KILL YOU TO DEATH YOU SON OF A—
Horse-princess shrugged, giving me a little pat on the head. “Oh, I heard that he’s actually a nice guy once you get to know him. He just had a few too many drinks one night and one thing led to another…”
Smiling, she gave him a nudge. “I’ve seen what happens when you have one too many with a few of your friends, Shining, I’m sure he’s no different.”
Dick-horse cocked his head at me. “Then why didn’t he just spend a few nights in jail instead of this?” he asked her, while I calmed down just a little bit.
“He told us he’d take this punishment, so we gave it to him,” the princess said, actually sounding a little sad. “I still feel a little bad about it. Can you imagine what he’s probably going through right now? You heard what auntie Luna told us: he’s facing nightmares that I’m sure we couldn’t even guess at!”
If you don’t go get my flippin’ finger RIGHT NOW I’ll show you a nightmare, pink horse!
Sadly, since she couldn’t hear my oh so witty remark, the princess continued, “And you’ve seen how hard auntie Celestia’s taking this. Did you know that I heard her crying in her room the other day?”
That made me stop my huffing and puffing. …She was crying, really?...
Shining looked a little glum when he heard that little bit of information. “Yeah, Twily told me the other day.” He huffed, his ears pinning themselves to his head. “Did you know that I had to get her out of jail the other day?” he asked, probably trying to turn the conversation to less heavy waters. “Apparently she broke into someponies house the other day and got caught.”
Pretty pink princess pony giggled. “I heard about that. Discord said something about her having a boxful of Bob’s clothes.”
“Twily broke into this guy’s house?”
“Yeah, one of the guard’s—“
I don’t think I hear a single thing either of the two day after that little bombshell of theirs, which may not have meant anything to them, but it meant something to me.
Because I Bob ‘The Rock’ Johnson had made a very good friend my mine cry. Someone who had fed, clothed, and just generally taken care of my handsome self; she even made sure I got a job that’d help me afford living in a place like Canterlot for crying out loud!
…Don’t worry, Sunshine, I thought, suddenly realizing that this little ‘vacation’ of mine might be a good time to do some serious soul-searching…. with maybe a bit of time to think up a proper way to say sorry to my favorite sun horse, I’ll make it up to you…