//------------------------------// // The Knight in a Shiny Suit // Story: All Butlers are Gentlemen, But... // by Pen Mightier //------------------------------// Like the grandeur of the sun itself, my lady's perfection is a universal absolute. Even her pout is a work of effortless flawlessness, everything from how she puckers up her lips to how she blows up her cheeks to full. It called to mind mighty red giants, gathering mass and preparing to go supernova before becoming a concentration of adorable so dense not a single heart can escape. Certainly a force of nature unto itself. "You can stop narrating my pout now." She muttered as she strode ahead of me back up the stairs. "And I'm not pouting by the way." She denied, but all too late. The pout was done. "There's a fine line between love and hate, Butler. You're standing on it." She added, with a hint of threat, turning to face me at the top of the stairs. "I'm only standing? I have done you a disservice then, my lady. I should pick up my pace." I said with a disarming smile. "Could you please not point your horn at me, my lady? I find it highly distracting." I said. "Not the pout either." I added. "I am not pouting." She managed to pout even more. "I am not!" It was a pout that defied the laws of physics, for she somehow managed to talk while maintaining it in all its magnificent adorabubble glory. "I remind you that I currently hold evidence of high treason. And no amount of playful teasing on your part will get you out of this one." She said, waving my letter in her golden telekinetic grasp in a bid to regain power over the situation. "The only reason you are not on your way to the moon right now is because...." Her stomach gave a very loud, almost unladylike growl, as if completing her sentence for her. Almost unladylike. Almost. Her blush, on the other hand, was a brush stroke of Da Vinci. "Stop narrating my stomach! Or my blush!" She cried, pouting all the more. She is beyond adorable now. "Uuuuuuu! Butler!" She wailed, stomping her forehooves helplessly. I allowed myself a moment to contemplate how wonderfully cute my lady is at her expense. "Let us see about your stomach so I can be on my way to the moon then." I said, simply, reaching out for the door back to the Solaria. "Blush under control? Pouting done?" I ran through the public appearance checklist. "One moment. One more." She aimed one last really furiously endearing pout at me. Then, in one swift magical transformation, she was the tall, proud serene regent of the sun. "You may carry on, Butler." She waved an imperious hoof at me. I did one last check of my own. Hmm, passably perfect. But I need to get her armour on. Maybe brush her mane and tail. Maybe rub some of that new Flaxseed and Wheat's New Age gentle fur cream in. And a hooficure. Definitely a hooficure. "Butler..." She gave a little hiss, blush softly making a stealthy comeback. "Not even all that will earn you my forgiveness." I smiled. "Yes, my lady. I can only threaten to try harder then." I pulled the heavy double doors to the Solaria open. I had to resist a strong urge to slam it shut again. Instead I opted to surreptitiously slide myself out of view, like the butler I am. With luck I might avoid being spotted by... "Ahah, your majesty, Auntie! You have returned!" The loud boisterous voice of his capital-eminence, prince Blueblood, assailed my unprepared ear drums. "We were just discussing you." "Indeed, Blueblood?" My lady feigned polite interest, if only to avoid the reflex look of disgust at seeing her pompous nephew who seemed to have made himself the new center of attention in the room. "Pray, share." The unicorn stallion positively glowed at his royal aunt's attention. "Our fellow nobleponies were just complimenting my butler, High Horse, and his housekeeping team." He waved a hoof at the young cream-coloured stallion sporting a swept-back silver mane standing at the head of a small army of maids. "We all agree he has managed to put together a team fit for royalty." He said to the murmurs and nods of assent of the gathered nobles. "The topic couldn't help but gravitate towards yourself, Auntie, like all good conversations do." His eyes narrowed as his gaze slowly turned towards the figure standing quietly in my lady's shadow, me. "A noble's worth is measured by the company he keeps and the talents he holds on retainer." "No ruler could hope to measure yours then, your highness." I said, primly, "Considering how much you are over-compensating." "Why, thank you. You have better eyes than I give you credit for, at least." Blueblood nodded at me. I like him. So little gets through his pride-filter that I could probably tell him his mane is a duck and he'd thank me for the compliment. The rather overt insult did not go unnoticed by his butler, however. High Horse did not glare at me. He simply gave me an idle glance, as if trying to decide where he should bury me after he's done with me. High Horse was a real butler, the kind that gave weight to the saying 'The butler did it.' He is competent, shrewd, cunning, already a murder suspect even in the absence of any bodies. But above all, truly compensating for his master's boundless incompetence. But he would trade Blueblood for my lady in a heartbeat. Except the heartbeat in question is mine. I'm in his way, and he made no effort to disguise just how he felt about the fact. "We, and by 'we' I mean the court..." Blueblood gestured at his fellow nobleponies. He was as courageous as any noble, in that they took refuge in numbers and collective snootiness. "....couldn't help but notice you only have one...err...thing on retainer." He gave me a pitying look. I ignored it by imagining how well his horn would fit where My lady doesn't shine. "And some things are simply not a good reflection of our fair kingdom and its people." "Our butler serves Us well." My lady said, in a tone as final as a tombstone. She had no need for the Royal Canterlot voice. She projects the immensity of her presence into her voice in such a manner that so few words can carry the weight of an entire speech. High Horse was quick to come to his master's rescue."Your choice of retainer is a reflection of your own astute wisdom and surely a most generous gesture of trust towards our new neighbours on earth." He smoothed over glibly. "The court only expresses that there is room for Equestrian representation in your retinue. This is especially the case with the diplomatic missions you are about to embark on. It is important to give the right impressions after all." Blueblood quickly rallied behind his butler's cavalry. Before High Horse could interrupt him he had launched into yet another suicidal charge. "Some even suggest High Horse and my own housekeeping team would make a retinue fitting of yourself and Auntie Luna, Auntie. We're even looking to formalize it in court in six months time." The other nobles were quick to step away from the potential blast zone, afraid of becoming collateral damage. High Horse's expression was priceless. I could see how much he wished he could shove a hoof in his own face, if not Blueblood's. Though to be honest Blueblood was already doing a good job of that all by himself. I am firm in my belief that he only opens his mouth to change hooves. "Is that so?" My lady said, in a tone about as impassive as an idle guillotine. "Yes, the review is teed up for the agenda. Six months should be more than enough time for...er...'him' to find himself a new kennel back on Earth." Blueblood said, proudly, taking the lack of rejection as encouragement. "But off course, if you wish to have the team right now, you are more than free to..." "Prince Blueblood." My lady said, stiffly, with a gaze that could freeze stars. It did anything but freeze Blueblood's bladder, however. "The next time I wish for your opinion on anything, let alone the running of my household, I will invite you to speak." Her tone was as chilly as dead stars. "Th-th-then, y-you a-agree...?" Blueblood squeaked, before High Horse quickly pulled him behind himself, subtly but firmly. About time. Blueblood's wit was only sharp enough to hurt himself. Otherwise it was about as sharp and existent as his testicles. "We understand, my lady." High Horse gave my lady a low bow. "Come with me, Butler." My lady said, firmly, as she stormed away back towards her royal apartments. "Yes, my lady." I avoided Blueblood and High Horses' fiery gazes as best as I could as I strode out of the room on my lady's heels. We walked back through the empty corridors in tense silence. The strain on the air was so palpable you could probably cut it. "Come in." She commanded as we reached her room, leaving no room for disagreement. She quickly shut the door behind me. The lock was secured with a resounding click that sounded far more deadly than any bit of metal had any right to be. Then, with a flourish of her horn, she cast her own trademark soundproofing spell on the walls. The golden equine skull and crossbone symbols floating about all four walls were quite telling. "Is this it, Butler?" She demanded, rounding on me. "Is this what it's about?" I sighed, looking the very picture of apologetic guilt. "Very well, my lady, I admit it. I stole the cookie jar you stole from the kitchen." "That's not what I'm talking abou-..." She paused as she processed my words. "You stole my....from my....you know how hard it was to....never mind. But we will talk about the cookies later, Butler." My tactical distraction failed. "You're not hiring a team. You're thinking of hiring your replacement." She glared at me accusingly. I gave her a long look. Yes, there was no escaping this. "No blown ambition doth my arms incite, but love dear love and my dear lady's right." I said in answer. "I do not find deliberate misquotations on Shakespeare's Macbeth endearing, Butler." She said, impatiently. Still, I know she enjoys a moment to show off her encyclopaedic knowledge of human culture. "No I don't. And you know what happened to Cordelia." She gave me an edged look. "Death by royalty." I said, waving aside her threat airily. "My lady, as much as I enjoy providing you with a much deserved challenge day by day, the unfortunate fact remains that your nephew is, for once, right. You are a pony princess. You need pony servants. It is only a matter of time before the court decides to take matters into its own hands. And rather than allow your nephew to install his butler and his team, I wished to at least leave you with your own." I allowed myself a dour look. "Looks like he's moving faster than I expected. I'd barely be able to train them how to raise their eyebrows and make well-placed witty remarks in that time, let alone how to be as splendid as me." "You don't know how lucky we are that Blueblood in his infantile idiocy decided to reveal his plan prematurely. You realize there's more at stake here." My lady said, with a note of urgency. "You feed me, bathe me, keep my cookie jar, manage all the court proceedings, file all the documents and bills, oversee the household finances, filter my correspondence, write all my letters to Twilight, everything! Can you imagine what Blueblood and the nobles could do if he manages to install his own lackey in your place?" "I didn't want to even entertain the possibility, my lady." I said, sourly, "But he would essentially take over your sweets supply. Oh, and your government as well as her majesty Princess Twilight Sparkle. The latter would be the equivalent of acquiring a tactical weapon of mass destruction." "And you were going to try and prevent this legal coup d'etat alone with that half-baked maid-to-fail plan of yours?" She demanded. "Very nice pun, my lady." I gave her a nod of approval. "Thank you." My lady said, graciously. "Well, Butler?" "The fact remains, my lady. Your laws stipulate that the court can choose to remove any member of staff deemed unfit to serve you." I said, simply. "One of the older loopholes created by Smart Cookie in order to fire Chancellor Puddinghead's court jester. Arguably by that point the damage was already done, might I add." "Confound that Smart Cookie." My lady swore. "Confound court jesters. Yes, it is as you say." She muttered, before becoming rather quiet. I could practically see the gears whirring like turbines inside the magnificent mind behind her fearsome lilac eyes. This was the mighty princess Celestia at work, moving chess pieces across entire worlds. And sometimes some ponies simply needed reminding of this fact, that the benevolent, ever-smiling and gentle princess Celestia is a goddess of a gigantic blazing inferno that burns the very abyss of space. I could tell that the next moment she spoke she would have a plan to do just that. "They can fire anypony in my retinue, true." She said, "Unfortunately the clause includes all possible races. Smart Cookie was a little too smart for her own good." "Rather, they couldn't make up their minds what race the court jester was." I shrugged. "So they made the law all-inclusive." "But there are two they cannot remove by law." A smile played across her lips, risking being run over by her unstoppable drive. "My prince and the knight commander of my personal guard." "Good for them." I said. "You'll note I have neither. Not since...." My lady tapped a hoof on her chin thoughtfully. "...never. They are in the laws and statutes but we've never had need to draw on them. Until now." She nodded at me. "I can see why you wouldn't like them to be able to fire your boyfriend, considering how young you are." I said with a smile. I watched her stare blankly at the plate of cheeses, a soft blush forming on her cheeks for some reason. 'Boyfriend', I heard her murmur, softly. "Coltfriend, I meant." I corrected myself, smoothly. "Oh? Yes, off course." She cleared her throat quickly. "The solution is simple. Butler, I hereby appoint you my..." "Prince?" I suggested, playfully. "What? N-no! Absolutely not! I mean not ye-....Ah, pardon me." She squeaked, blush quickly reforming. Huh? That was an odd reaction. "I mean, nice try. You may come back when you're older, child." She said, sounding more like the princess Celestia I know. "Pity. I've been brushing up on looking down too." I sighed in mock-melancholy. "I suppose I get to at least banish people onto asteroids as your knight commander?" "Yes, quite." My lady quickly regained her composure, though why she lost it in the first place was beyond me. "Now, listen, this is important. You must have at least one standing squad of knights by the court meeting in six months if this plan is to work." She said, with a hint of urgency. "Of passable competence, might I add." "I'm sure his majesty Shining Armour would not miss a few guards." I said. "They all look exactly the same after all." My lady seemed thoughtful at this. "The knights must be recruited and trained in secret." My lady added. "If one soul hears of this plan, Blueblood will be sure to act. Worst case scenario he might bring the meeting agenda forwards." "Uh...so I need to train ninjas then?" I blinked. This was becoming a mission impossible ridiculously fast. I was already seeing myself accosting random ponies on the street and furtively asking them, 'Hey, do you want to be a ninja?'. "The maids you will be hiring today." My lady said, simply. "You are suggesting I train ninja maids?" I ventured, seemingly unable to simply accept such an absurd plan. "Ninja maid knights." That familiar mischievous smile returned with a vengeance. "Do it, Butler." I sighed. My lady was in her happy plotting zone. There's no stopping her now. "You command, my princess." I said, kneeling before her, raising her forehoof up in both my hands. "And your knight obeys." I gave her hoof a playful peck on her forehoof. It may be a trick of the sunrise trickling in through the window, but did her blush just blossom further? "Acceptable." She said, clearing her throat. "During the day you will train your maids." She quickly said, gesturing for me to rise with a wave of a hoof. "During the night I will train you in the ways of a knight. Within six months they will be acceptable maid knight guards and you, Butler, a Knight Commander par excellence." My lady decided with a firm nod. "That means I can have the list of interviewees back?" I said, hopeful, pointing at the list still hovering idly in my lady's telekinetic grasp, almost entirely forgotten. A strange look overcame my lady, somewhere between sudden doubt and annoyance. She glared at the list, as if it had mortally offended her. "The maids must not be too pretty." She suddenly huffed. I blinked. "Pardon me, my lady. Did I hear you correctly? You said..." "They cannot be too pretty." She repeated, irritably. "They must look like knights after all." "I see." I nodded. I didn't, really, but my lady's look seemed to threaten something worse than an alicorn pile if I were to say otherwise. "While I will have to consult my imagination on what exactly a knight should look like under the tin helmet, I shall at least endeavour to select ninja maid knights of the not-too-pretty variety. On a scale of Blueblood to yourself, my lady, I shall aim for ponies in the region of the common hydra, if that suits you." My lady gave me a long, sceptical, almost pained look. "Butler, cancel all my plans for today." She finally decided. "I am coming with you to the interview." My day just became very, very interesting. But while my lady was busy wrestling with the minutiae of her intricate plan, I was left with a conundrum of my own. It wasn't until much later that I found somebody had stealthily snuck in and eaten half of my lady's emergency cake. Not only that, judging by the midnight blue hairs strewn all over the bottom of the cart, whoever it was had hidden underneath the breakfast cart while stealing a chunk out of my lady's weekly calory allowance. Moreover, the culprit had stopped halfway through the cake. Halfway! Nobody stops halfway through one of my own signature cloud cakes. I shall simply have to find this cake thief and teach him or her to wipe my plates clean. With their face, if I have to.