“And then we got this huge maze in the Canterlot gardens, which was when Discord appeared again and stole everyone’s wings and horns, which was pretty mean, but he was so funny! He’s a comical genius I tell you! So then we entered the maze and got separated, then I found a load of laughing balloons and Discord came along. He said some nasty things to me and used some weird magic to turn me into a big moody meany pants, like Twilight!” Pinkie Pie giggled.
It had been two very long hours. Pinkie had legitimately told me her entire life story, from birth, to the return of Discord, and no doubt she would continue onward to present day. The others were bored out of their wits, Applejack and Twilight had even drifted off to sleep.
“I um, regret suggesting this...” Fluttershy sighed.
Pinkie continued to eagerly divulge about her life, and finally, after another good forty minutes, she came to the part I was actually interested in; the moment where reality deviated from the show.
“So, just a few weeks after reforming Mr D, Princess Celestia sent us all a letter, saying that there was some great big emergency, and that we need to come to Canterlot right away for a super important mission briefing! That’s when she told us about your world and that we exist there as a cartoon show, which was so cool! You should have seen everyone’s faces, the concept of being famous fictional characters to a bunch of aliens totally messed with everyone’s heads for a while. Then the Princess went and told us that she’s been to this place before, she didn’t say much about it, but mentioned that some sort of incident happened between our worlds once. When she was here, she stayed for a while and used her magic to find humans who were ‘worthy’ or something like that, humans that she could trust to help us if the need ever arose. Apparently you were one of them, so when the Orb thingy came here, you got picked for the job!” she explained.
As I listened to her explanation, I was able to make more sense of why the Six had come to me. It wasn’t just me, the Princess seemed to have gone through a whole list of potential candidates. Why I’d eventually made the cut was still lost on me, but at least I was able to piece together a little more of how Celestia had found me for this mission.
“How are you still listening to all this?” Rainbow Dash moaned sleepily.
“Because it’s interesting, and I’m learning about your world through Pinkie’s life.” I replied, grinning.
“Fair enough...” she yawned.
Pinkie continued once more, rocking from side to side as she excitedly neared the conclusion to her entire life story.
“After a few hours of being taught a few things about this place, and how important the mission really was, The Princess took Twilight away to her chambers and gave her a personal pep talk. Once she got back and gave us our gear, she used a great big shiny spell and then bam, we came here! We set up camp and Twilight set up an invisibility field. That evening, we saw you putting your chickens to bed, and Twilight cast her monitoring spell on you, and for two weeks, we basically watched your every move and could see the world through your eyes, it was so cool!”
“What exactly did you see me do while you were watching me?” I asked nervously.
“Oh, nothing much, just your daily life. From waking up and getting out of bed, to eating and drinking, to interacting with your family, and so on. Most of the time we just saw you writing messages to people and playing games on your laptop thingy, that Skyrim game looked really interesting! Hm, what else? Oh yeah! We also saw you boxing on both of the Wednesdays and Fridays, now that was cool to watch! Blam! Slam! Kablamo! Ding ding!” Pinkie squeaked.
{Did they... Uh... Watch me going to the bathroom and stuff then? Jeez, I hope not...}
As though she could read my mind, Rarity put my mind at ease by assuring me that out of respect for my privacy, all six of them had agreed not to observe me whenever I entered the bathroom.
“Wait, we actually agreed to that?” said Rainbow Dash, pulling a guilty expression.
“Uhh...” I emitted fearfully, raising my eyebrows.
“I’m kidding! I’m kidding! Oh my gosh, you should see your face!”
Playfully lunging forward, I attempted to seize the pegasus, whom hopped away and giggled maniacally. We settled back down and I asked Pinkie to proceed with her story.
“Alright, well, your little doggy found Fluttershy when she was trying to talk to a deer, and she started barking like crazy! Twilight panicked and zapped her, which was so mean, the poor thing ran away yelping. And then that very same night, we met you! And you know the rest, so that’s it, the end! Sixteen years of my life, been and gone!”
I had to do a double take there, Pinkie was only sixteen? Did I really hear that right? Surely not...
“Um, how many years did you say?” I asked.
“Sixteeny weeny! I’ll be seventeen in August!” she chirped.
“You’ll only be seventeen on this planet. Time’s moving so slowly back home that it’s practically frozen, you’ll still legally be sixteen once we get back.” Twilight pointed out.
“Huh, that’s crazy. Hey, does that mean when we go home, I’ll be younger again?”
“No, but I’m sure the Princess will sort all that out when we get back. She’ll know what to do.”
With the subject of time distortion at hand, Twilight took the opportunity to suggest that the girls all disregarded their birthdays while they were here, along with any other important dates.
“With how out of sync time is between our world and this one, it’s not worth getting our ages and stuff muddled up. Again, I’m sure the Princess will know how to sort it out once we get back.” she finalised.
Pursing my lips, I sat there in deep thought as I took a moment to process all the information I’d been given. It was utterly crazy to me that Pinkie was only sixteen, that meant I was older than her!
{Didn’t see that one coming...} I thought to myself.
That was when a new question arose to my mind, how old were the others? If they were all in their teens like Pinkie was, then the Equestria Girls movie would have made a lot more sense, as they were all at high school, but who could really say what was fact or fiction now? Regardless, I was still very surprised. Being June, it was only a couple of months until it would be Pinkie’s birthday, and if they decided celebrate it on Earth, I’d have to try and acquire a cake for her.
“Dude, are you alright?” Rainbow Dash asked, prodding me.
I jolted, and then realised that I had been staring at Pinkie for a good while without saying anything. I blinked my eyes rapidly for a second and then looked at the pegasus.
“Ah! Oh, forgive me, I was absorbed in thought…” I replied with a hum.
“What were you thinking about? You zoned out for a while there.”
“I was just processing Pinkie's life story, along with her age.” I answered honestly, “I have to admit, I really didn’t expect Pinkie to be so young.”
“Well, how old did you think she was?”
Shrugging, I said that I’d presumed they were all in their mid twenties or something.
“What made you think that?” Rarity asked, joining in on the new conversation.
“I don’t know, I guess it’s because you’re all so independent and live in your own houses. Applejack and her brother run a farm that supply food to the whole of Ponyville. And Rarity, you run your own bloody business with the Carousel Boutique! Here on Earth, living alone and running a business would be considered very grown up, so although I don’t know about Equestria very much, I just expected you all to be in your mid-to-late twenties.”
Rarity hummed with understanding, and Rainbow Dash went on to ask when humans were expected to enter the working world, which I answered to the best of my personal knowledge.
“It depends on the job.” I told them, “From the age of thirteen, kids can start part-time work, but it’s only the most trivial of jobs, like delivering newspapers in your neighbourhood. It doesn’t pay much at all, but it’s a good introduction to the concept of work.”
The more I spoke, the more I started emphasising my words with hand movements and body language; for most of my life, I’d struggled having lengthy conversations with people, my social anxiety would heighten and I’d often recede into my shell. With the girls however, I felt an odd sense of security. Talking to them like this was scratching a social itch that I didn’t know I had, and so I eagerly continued in educating them.
“Once you’re sixteen, you can work in retail and a few other jobs, but only at minimum wage. As soon as you turn eighteen, you’re legally an adult and can begin working full-time. But running a business? Or moving away from your parents to live with full independence? Or both for that matter? Nah man, that kind of thing doesn’t happen for most people until their late twenties, sometimes even their thirties!”
Rarity hummed in understanding, and I noticed that Twilight was also very keenly taking an interest, which hardly came as a surprise to me. Fluttershy then yawned and shuffled over to Applejack, she wiggled from side to side as she tried to subtly drag herself over to the farm pony and rest against her. It took great restraint to stop myself from physically clutching my chest at the adorable display.
“From what you’ve said, I would say it’s not too dissimilar to the way it works in Equestria. But our education system works a little differently, so we have more business opportunities at a younger age.” Rarity said, bringing me back on topic.
“Oh, go on?” I replied, gesturing for her to continue.
“Well, foals begin to learn rather quickly, and usually start using their first words within ten months, to a year. They start school from the age of three, although it’s permitted to start at age four for late bloomers. They’ll stay in school for eleven years, at which point they’ll graduate and either go into the working world, or go to college to study a more complex subject. So basically, education stops for most ponies between the ages of fourteen and fifteen.”
In all honesty, after hearing Rarity’s explanation, I preferred England’s education system. There was no way I’d have been ready for work at just fourteen years old, I was seventeen now and still couldn’t find any work! However, with that said, the lacking of work was more down to the area I lived in, there were hardly any job opportunities in little old Ifield, and especially not any that I would have comfortably handled as a young adult with autism. If Equestria’s system worked for Equestria, then good for them.
“Interesting...” I mumbled, not entirely with it.
I was somewhat distracted by the seething mass of ponderous thoughts inside my head; it seemed that with every new fact that I learned about Equestria, several new questions came with it.
“So, judging from your reaction to Pinkie’s age, I’m guessing you’d like to know how old the rest of us are?” Rarity posed.
“One should never ask a lady about her age. But now that you mention it, I must admit, I am a little curious.” I replied, smirking.
Rarity placed a hoof to her chest and sighed heavily.
“Oh I do appreciate a fellow who knows his manners... You most certainly know how to conduct yourself around a lady, Callum Horncastle!”
I grinned sheepishly, while Rainbow Dash and Applejack rolled their eyes and pulled faces of mockery toward the unicorn’s fancier standards. Rarity ignored them and cleared her throat, and then tended to my curious mind.
“Well, to start with myself as the oldest member of this little company, I am twenty-six. Applejack is twenty-five, and the pegasus who thinks I can’t see her sneering beside me, is twenty-one.”
Rainbow Dash, who was indeed sneering, ceased her tomfoolery and grinned at me innocently. Before Rarity could continue, Fluttershy sneezed unexpectedly, with the feathers on her wings puffing out as she did so. She then sneezed a second time, and it was even cuter than the last; being wholly unable to resist, I clutched my chest at the adorable sight.
“Hnng...” I groaned as I leaned forward, crumpling into myself.
“What is it? What’s wrong?” Rarity asked worriedly.
“Flut... Fluttershy...” I gasped, pointing at the yellow pegasus.
“Um, what about me?” she squeaked anxiously.
“The sneeze... So, damn cute!” I wheezed, flopping onto my side and pretending to die.
Everyone burst into laughter and Fluttershy covered her face, blushing. Pinkie Pie however, seemed to genuinely think I was dying from cardiac arrest. She pounced on me and started to literally punch me in the chest.
“Callum! No! Don’t go into the light! Don’t go into the light!” she wailed at the top of her lungs.
Being completely unprepared for the sudden assault, I was sent into a coughing fit and flailed around madly, desperately trying to get the pink pony to stop attacking me. This only made the girls laugh even harder.
“I’m okay Pinkie! I’m okay!” I spluttered, batting away her forelimbs.
“I saved you!” she squealed, “Guys, did you see that? I saved him!”
“You sure did, Pinks!” Rainbow Dash cheered.
“And quite possibly shattered every rib I have...” I croaked, sitting up.
Pinkie wrapped her forelimbs around me, still believing she had actually saved my life. Rarity, still chuckling, asked if she could continue, to which I nodded.
“Where was I? Ah yes, I had just said that Rainbow Dash is twenty-one. Twilight turned twenty just a few weeks ago, Fluttershy is seventeen, and Pinkie, as you know, is the youngest at sixteen.”
There was certainly a bigger age gap than I had imagined, but I supposed it made sense, especially with Rarity and Applejack being older, their demeanours had always been more mature, even in the show. As I took in how old the girls really were, there was one thing on my mind that didn’t sit quite right with me; why had Princess Celestia sent them all here? Or at least, why had she opted to send Pinkie Pie? Who in their right mind would send a sixteen-year-old on such a dangerous mission? Especially one that took place on an alien world, without an armed escort? As much as the girls were capable, it surely wouldn’t have killed Celestia to send a few royal guards to do this job. Perhaps the princess had valid reasons, but until I heard them, I wasn’t convinced that she’d done the right thing in sending these girls.
“Do our ages surprise you?” Rarity asked me, having noticed my pondering.
I hummed, and then nodded my head.
“A little bit, yeah. I’m just trying to wrap my head around everything. You have to understand, just two days ago, the six of you were nothing more than cartoon characters to me. My brain’s still coming to terms with the reality of it all, so if I ever go quiet, that’s probably why.”
Rarity dipped her head and said that she totally understood. Yawning, I realised just how exhausted I’d been from the past twenty-four hours, and chose to take a little nap.
“Hey Rainbow Dash, could I have my pillow from your bag? Twilight mentioned that yours has all the camping gear and the bedding.” I requested.
“But it’s the middle of the day.” Dashie replied.
“Coming from the one who’s already had a nap.” Rarity teased.
“That was different, Pinkie’s boring life story sent me to sleep!”
At this, Pinkie gasped, and then her lower lip began to tremble.
“You… You find my life, boring?”
“No, I didn’t mean it like that Pinkie.” Rainbow Dash tried to say.
“You think I’m boring!” Pinkie wailed.
She turned away and buried her head into the nearest suitcase. Rainbow Dash droned in annoyance and planted her face into her hoof, before going over to both comfort and apologise to her friend. Rarity then came to sit next to me and nudged me with her elbow.
“Want to see how easy she is to cheer up?” she giggled.
“Go on?” I replied, gesturing for her to show me.
She used her magic to conjure the sound of a squeaky toy, to which Pinkie immediately sprang up and pushed Dashie out of the way to search the aircraft for the origin of the sound; she stuck her head out of the pressure bubble and yelped loudly, jumping back and curling up into a ball. The bubble made a watery noise and wobbled a little, but remained unbroken. Rainbow Dash whizzed to Pinkie’s side and checked her all over for any sign of injury.
“My ears! My ears!” Pinkie whimpered, clawing at her head.
The poor thing must have experienced the pressure suddenly change around her head, which had certainly made her ears pop, spooking her. It became apparent that she was unharmed however, when the pink pony burst into laughter and started rolling around.
“Spicy air! Spicy air!” she squeaked, before prowling around the cargo hold like a cat, her tail twitching menacingly.
“Oh Pinkie...” I quietly mumbled, barely even surprised.
After that rather strange event, Rainbow Dash fetched her bag for me and Rarity used her magic to quickly retrieve the pillow that I’d used last night.
“I forgot to ask you earlier, how did you sleep last night? Is the bedding we brought for you any good?” she asked.
“Oh I slept just fine, the bedding’s lovely, thank you Rarity.”
“Glad to hear it, we weren’t sure if it would compare to what you’d normally sleep on.”
I admitted that the pillow was a little softer and squishier than I was used to, but it was perfectly fine; and on that note, I took the pillow and scooted over to where the suitcases were to rest against them. I found a comfy spot and curled up, which was when Twilight decided that I was too close to her.
“Get away from me.” she grumbled.
“I’m comfy here, thanks.” I replied, yawning.
She glared at me and gritted her teeth, but before she could make any threats or snide comments, I stretched dramatically and made a remark of my own.
“Look, I’m tired. Can we make like a five hour truce? You can continue being an asshole to me later, I promise.”
“Ugh, whatever.” she spat in reply.
Refusing to be close to me, Twilight grumbled in frustration and went off to the other side of the bubble; I shrugged and lay there, trying to get a little rest.
It had been half an hour, and I still hadn’t been able to sleep. The thoughts swimming around my head was the main culprit, but the noise certainly didn’t help either; I honestly wasn’t sure what was louder, the plane’s engines, or Pinkie’s nonstop speech as she talked and talked to the others.
“And then I said... Newsflash, it’s the wrong soup!” Pinkie cackled as she finished another one of her jokes.
Rainbow Dash joined in on the laughter, clearly being an enjoyer of Pinkie’s humour. Everyone else meanwhile, just sighed and gave murmurous pity laughs. It was then that I heard Rainbow Dash being up to no good.
“Hey Rare, I’ve got an idea…”
“Oh?” she replied.
“How about you sneak over to Callum, and use that dye spell of yours to turn his hair green?”
My brows sprang up but my eyes remained closed, and I didn’t move. I wanted to hear Rarity’s reaction before I chose to react, and thankfully, it would seem that I could remain unbothered.
“Goodness no!” she gasped, “I wouldn’t ever do such a thing!”
I released a slow breath of relief through my nose.
“Why not? It’d be funny as heck!” Dashie asked, still chuckling at the idea.
“What if you made it pink instead?” Pinkie giggled.
Rarity tutted and emitted an exasperated sigh.
“The colour doesn’t matter, you dimwits! For starters, it would be cruel, and secondly, we still barely know him! Having a laugh together is one thing, but unsolicited practical jokes would be taking it much too far! Especially at such an early stage of this new friendship!”
Puckering my lips and tilting my head slightly in agreement, it was nice to hear a dash of common sense from one of the girls in regards to our newly forming relationship. Even if I’d been selected by Celestia as their guide, it still remained adamantly true that one shouldn’t trust people that they weren’t totally sure of, and it was nice to hear someone actually display a bit of awareness of that fact.
“Pfft, he seems friendly enough.” Rainbow said dismissively, hoping to sway her.
“Yes, he seems the friendly type, but we should still tread lightly here, Rainbow. This isn’t Equestria, this place and its inhabitants are dangerous, Callum said it himself.” Rarity reminded.
Fluttershy, clearly still feeling trusting towards me, came to my defence.
“Um, he warned us himself... So doesn’t that show how he’s trustworthy and doesn’t want to hurt us?”
“I never said he had bad intentions, I’ve found him to be lovely so far! But still, we shouldn’t be so quick to decide he’s our friend outright, we’ve not even known him for more than three days.” Rarity replied.
“And it ain’t like he’s not capable of violence. I mean, he did threaten to hurt Twilight and all.” Applejack pointed out.
“Pfft, not that she didn’t deserve that.” Dashie remarked.
“I must concur, she’s been practically gagging for a good hiding with how she’s been to him. But for what it’s worth, I believe he was bluffing, and I’d like to think I’m a good judge of character.” Rarity said proudly.
“Um, who’s side are you on exactly?” the farm pony bit back, “And even if he was bluffing, threats of violence ain’t the right call, especially to one of our friends!”
“I’m not on anyone’s side, for goodness sake! I’m not saying he’s a bad guy, I am just saying that we shouldn’t play pranks on him as if he were a friend we’ve known for years. And as for being threatening, can you blame him? Look at the poor boy’s background! His mother beat him, his brother beat him, and he’d fight other humans for a sport in that boxing business of his.”
“Ugh, I guess you have a point.” AJ mumbled.
“On that note, did you see that boxing match we got to watch on Friday?” Rainbow Dash piped up, “When he won the fight with that crazy combo? He squatted right under the dude’s punch, jabbed him in the gut, then knocked him flat on his back with that right-armed uppercut? That was absolutely crazy! I’ve not seen a fight like that since the fight at the Wonderbolt Academy!”
“Heh, yeah. It’s that sort of thing I’m worried about though.” Applejack murmured.
“Um, that’s why Celestia sent us to him! So we would be protected by someone who can fight for us if we need, and put other humans out of commission if they’re dangerous.”
“Princess, Celestia.” Twilight corrected from the other side of the pressure bubble.
Fluttershy then chose to rewind the conversation and inquire about the fight at the Wonderbolt Academy, sounding quite in disbelief that such an incident had occurred. Always eager to brag about her newfound place as a Wonderbolt trainee, Rainbow Dash was more than happy to elaborate.
“Oh yeah, and it was a full beatdown... So basically, this asshole of a pony tried to hit on Soarin’s sister, and when she rejected him, the guy tried to blackmail her into getting with him. When that didn’t work, he straight up threatened to hurt her if she didn’t sleep with him. Thankfully, she went and told Soarin, who proceeded to beat him up in front of everyone in the lunch hall!”
“Goodness, that’s awful. But I’m glad the cretin got his comeuppance! Did Soarin get in trouble?” Rarity inquired, shocked.
“Nope. Spitfire came in and demanded to know what the heck was going on, and Soarin told her everything. After hearing the explanation, she kept a totally straight face, went to the other guy, and helped him up. And then, without uttering a word, she turned around and bucked him right in the jaw!”
“Damn!” Applejack gasped.
“Was he badly hurt?” Pinkie asked.
“Uh, heck yeah he was! Knocked him out cold and put him in hospital.”
“I mean, as much as he deserved it, wasn’t Spitfire a little out of line for doing that? Surely she got in some sort of trouble with her higher ups?” Rarity speculated.
“Not at all, in fact, she was praised for upholding the core principles of the Wonderbolts. You see, it’s not just an elite team of fliers, the Wonderbolts are a family, a band of brothers and sisters, who protect their own! If you wrongly lay a hoof on a Wonderbolt, you’d better disappear, because every other member of the squad will be on their way to tear your ass up so badly, you’ll shit sideways!” Dash roared with laughter.
Rarity loudly cleared her throat and sighed, saying that it was a very interesting insight to the Wonderbolts, and if only it hadn’t been ruined by her foul language.
“Foul language? I only said ‘shit’, it’s not like I said ‘fu-”
“I don’t need an example, Rainbow Dash!” Rarity quickly barked before she could finish.
“Alright, alright! Sorry!”
Disgruntled, Rarity picked herself up and came over to the suitcases to find a more comfortable spot to rest. At this point, I had given up on the prospect of sleeping, and pretended to wake up.
“What’d I miss?” I mumbled.
“Oh, you’re awake.” Rarity observed, dipping her head. “Sorry if I woke you, I was preventing yet another uncouth language-based incident with Rainbow Dash.”
“Ah, don’t worry about it, I wasn’t resting very well anyway.” I replied, stretching.
And then, without warning, the whole aircraft started to shake, it grew more and more intense until some of the upper suitcases began to fall down, Pinkie jumped up and latched on to a metal bar at the top of the cargo hold, giggling as she shook. A big plastic orange suitcase fell down and smacked right into Rainbow Dash’s muzzle, causing her to cry out loudly and jump back into me; I was knocked off balance and tripped over a suitcase that had fallen behind me, this caused me to stumble too far and I fell out of the pressure bubble. My ears immediately began ringing as they throbbed painfully, and my lungs felt as if they were about to burst; I exhaled quickly to reduce the pressure and jumped back into the bubble. My ears continued to ring, but at least my lungs went back to normal.
“Good heavens! Are you okay?” Rarity bleated, rushing over to check on me.
“Ugh, never better. That's turbulence for you...”
Grimacing, I put my fingers in my ears and gave them a little wiggle to further depressurise them. I then looked over to Rainbow Dash and witnessed the poor thing clutching at her muzzle, her hooves now covered with blood. The sight of pony blood caused me to completely freeze up, it was the first time that I truly realised that not only were these ponies real, but they were mortal. Thankfully, Fluttershy rushed to the scene and seemed to know exactly what to do, she instructed Rainbow to tilt her head forward and to breathe through her mouth.
“Um, Fluttershy? I swear you’re supposed to put your head back, not forward” Applejack pointed out.
“That’s a common mistake. Nosebleeds, especially ones caused by physical trauma, always start at the top of the inner nose, closer to the nostrils. If you tilt your head back, it bleeds for longer, and it goes down your throat which brings the risk of choking. So please Dashie, don’t put your head back. Just lightly cover your nostrils while I fetch you some cloth.”
I stared at the yellow pegasus in astonishment as she raced to her bag, retrieved some medical cloth, and gave it to Dashie without an ounce of visible anxiety. I had expected Fluttershy to be the worst among to group to handle something like this, and yet here she was, calmly and effectively sorting it out. Her course in nursing and temporary job at the Ponyville hospital had certainly paid off, because despite her extreme social anxiety, Fluttershy seemed to now possess the ability to spring into action whenever a medical situation needed tending to. I pushed aside the shock of seeing her blood, and came over to Rainbow Dash and asked her if she was alright, all things considered of course.
“Yeah, I don’t think my muzzle’s broken, it doesn’t hurt that bad. It just... just... Ah... ACHOO!”
Sneezing violently, Rainbow Dash sprayed blood all over my right leg, adding yet another stain to my jeans.
“Charming.” I said blankly.
“Heh... Sorry!” Dashie chuckled nervously.
Rarity shook her head shamefully, most likely irked more at the fact my jeans had been further tarnished. While all of this had been going on, Pinkie Pie had quietly remained dangling from the bar at the top of the cargo bay.
“Little help?” she squeaked.
We all looked up at her and sighed with fond exasperation.
“Oh Pinkie...” Fluttershy tutted.
Applejack went to stand beneath her and reared up onto her hind legs.
“Drop.” she ordered.
Pinkie dropped and let out a long “Weeeeeee!” Applejack calmly put out her forelegs and caught Pinkie with ease. After putting her down, Pinkie whizzed around like an excited puppy and buried herself among the few suitcases that remained inside the pressure bubble. I glanced across the hold to see Twilight faintly smiling at the scene, her eyes were glassy and there was a pained look on her face. She then noticed me looking at her and furrowed her brow, blinking away the expression. I tightened my lips awkwardly and dipped my head to her, but sadly, she didn’t lose her cantankerous stare.
A little while later, after her nosebleed had thankfully stopped, I couldn't help but notice that Rainbow Dash was staring at my hands intently. Her nosebleed had thankfully stopped now.
“Can I help you there?” I spoke, grabbing her attention.
“Oh, uh, I just think your hands and fingers are really weird.” she replied.
I tilted my head slightly and asked her why, to which she shrugged.
“I don’t know, dude. They’re just, weird! Look at them, they’re like thin fleshy hooves with tentacles on the end of them!”
Exhaling loudly through my nose, I admitted that I’d most certainly never heard them be described in such a way, and then suggested that she had most likely found my hands to be so enthralling because she’d never seen one before.
“Enthralling? What does that mean?”
“It’s just another word for interesting, or intriguing.” I explained.
“Why not just say interesting then?”
“Because enthralling sounds fancier.”
“Egghead.”
“So?” I retorted, not bothered by having nerdy qualities.
“You’re an egghead.” Rainbow repeated, clearly trying to get under my skin.
“I don’t see the problem.” I replied calmly.
“You’re an egghead, that’s the problem.” she tittered.
Deciding to fight fire with fire, I kissed my teeth in the mare's direction, and then unleashed my inner Catherine Tate.
“Am I bovvered?” I said in a Cockney accent, impersonating the infamous Lauren Cooper, a fictional teenage schoolgirl that Catherine Tate had created for her comedy sketch shows.
At this, Rainbow Dash was somewhat confused, and simply asked me, “What?”
“Am I bovvered though? Do I look bovvered?” I repeated.
“What are you even saying?” Dash chuckled awkwardly.
“I’m arksing you if I look bovvered? Because I ain’t even bovvered.” I continued, waving my hands at each exaggerated use of the word ‘bothered’.
“Is this because I called you an egghea-”
“But I ain’t even an egghead! But I ain’t even an egghead though!” I burst out, interrupting her.
The pegasus began to laugh and stare at me in full bewilderment. My sudden impression had taken her completely off guard, and she had no idea how to properly come back at the bizarre and irascible persona of Lauren Cooper; the character was essentially just a caricature of a chav, and the trick to pulling off the impression was to never pause, you had to maintain the never-ending torrent of words, along with supplying maniacal body language, absurd statements, and generous usage of the word ‘bothered’.
“Callum stop, that’s so weir-”
“Hand! Face! Bovvered!?” I interrupted her, wiggling my head side to side like a dancing owl.
“What the heck Cal-”
“Am I bovvered?”
“Dude s-”
“Bovvered Dash? Am I bovvered? Do I look bovvered?”
“Callum st-”
“You know your house?” I asked out of the blue, dipping my hands up and down to emphasise the question.
“What?” Rainbow responded, shaking her head in complete disarray.
“You know your house, right? In Equestria? You know your house?”
“Yeah?”
“It’s made of fluffy white clouds, innit?”
Rainbow Dash nodded, her eyes like saucers.
“When you go to the bathroom in your house, right? When you go to the bathroom, does it become part of the clouds afterwards?”
“Um! Um! N-”
“Do you ever turn the cloud yellow?” I asked bluntly.
“That’s not how it works! You crazy weirdo!” Rainbow Dash shouted above the laughs.
Ignoring her, I held firm with the Cockney accent and gave the impression the passion that it deserved.
“I bet it is though! I bet when it rains, your house is basically giving everything below a golden shower!” I cackled.
The other girls, whom were all listening in at this point, completely lost themselves at that. The cargo hold was filled with a profusion of laughter, and for the first time since coming here, I heard Twilight genuinely laughing along with them; I knew that it was just a spur of the moment thing, but it was pleasing to know that deep down, the real Twilight was still in there somewhere.
“Dude, I swear, that’s not how it works! You’ve actually gone insane!” Dashie protested, stamping a hoof in defiance.
“No I ain’t, I was just arksing if I looked bovvered to you! I was only arksing you a question, can’t I just arks you a question?” I yelled back.
I knew I’d been dragging it out for some time now, but I wasn’t finished until I had played Catherine Tate’s trump card whenever she played Lauren Cooper; the grand finale, in which she would talk so fast that it’d give Pinkie a run for her money.
“Is this really the guy Celestia sent us to?” Rainbow Dash wailed outwardly.
Pointing to myself, I ordered the pegasus to look at me, and I delivered the finale.
“Well I was only arksing if I looked bovvered to you ‘coz you were calling me egghead like I was bovvered but I ain’t bovvered, then I arksed you if I looked bovvered but you didn’t answer me, but look at my face! Does my face look bovvered? Do I look bovvered? Hand! Face! Bovvered! Plane! Ponies! Magic! Titans! Orbs! Big Ball! Fate of the world! Hand! Fingers! Face! I ain’t… BOVVERED!” I bellowed, executing my impression flawlessly.
As I brought the act to an explosive close, the spectating girls howled and hooted with laughter, with Pinkie Pie collapsing to the floor in tears of hilarity. Rainbow Dash gave in and shook her head, laughing along with the others.
When the laughter died down, a wheezing Applejack was finally able to sit up properly.
“What… What the heck was that about!?” she exclaimed, still gasping for air.
“It’s an act from a famous comedian here on Earth. Rainbow Dash was picking on my nerdiness, and I thought it would be funny to crack out an impression I’m good at to get back at her.” I explained, smirking.
“What’s he called?” Rarity quizzed, still chuckling.
“She, is called Catherine Tate, and I’ll show you a video of her when we next get the chance.” I told her.
“If that’s what she’s like, then I can’t wait!” Pinkie giggled, bouncing up and down.
Rainbow Dash playfully tackled me and batted me with her hoof, and then the seven of us settled down. We all had a good natter, which included me explaining a little bit more about Catherine Tate and the character whom I’d been impersonating.
“I feel like it would have been funnier if I knew the context before you started the act. For the longest time, it just came across like you were a little unhinged.” Rarity admitted.
“Yeah, I suppose you’re right. But I had already started doing the impression at that point, so I just decided to commit, you know?” I chuckled in reply.
“I can respect that.” Applejack hummed.
“Context or not, it was funny as heck, you had me so confused...” Rainbow Dash giggled.
“You should have seen the look on your face!” Pinkie exclaimed, she mockingly copied some of Dashie’s various expressions throughout the ordeal.
“Yeah, well... I’m not, bovvered!” the cyan mare retorted, sticking her tongue out.
We all laughed at that, and Pinkie audibly wondered if there were any pony comedians back in Equestria with any similar acts to Miss Tate. This naturally brought the girls’ conversation to remembrances of home, and feelings of homesickness, to which I politely distanced myself from the group and allowed myself to zone out, I was still pretty tired after all; I opened my rucksack, took out my phone and earbuds, plugged in, and hit shuffle. I had a large amount of songs, of many a genre too, I had a very wide taste in music, so shuffling was always a gamble. One moment I’d be listening to metal bands like Avenged Sevenfold, and the next, girly popstars like Katy Perry.
This time, I was greeted by the soulful softness of Newton Faulkner.