It was a beautiful day across the land of Equestria. The bright sun shone down through a sky clear of clouds, a warm breeze wafted across the land, birds sang in their trees, and no ancient evils were about. In short, a flawless, perfect day. Unfortunately, it was also a weekday in September, meaning that all of the little colts and fillies were trapped inside schoolhouses, unable to enjoy it.
Of all the young ponies in Equestria, though, the one most annoyed was probably an Orange Pegasus in Ponyville. "This stinks..." Scootaloo complained to her friends as they walked back towards the school after lunch. "It's this nice at home on Earth today too! Two worlds of nice weather, and I'm stuck inside!"
"We all are Scoots." Apple Bloom said.
"And to make it worse, afternoon class today is math!" Scootaloo continued, getting a groan from both of the others.
But when they trotted through the door, the trio found something unexpected. Standing at the front of the classroom with Cherilee was an earth pony stallion. He was tall, regal, dressed in a powdered wig and elaborately appointed red cloak with gold trim. Though he looked rather old, there was a spring in his step, and an energy, that seemed more appropriate for a much younger pony.
"Class, can I have your attention!" Cherilee called out as the foals all found their seats, "I have a special surprise for you all! This charming gentlestallion is the Baron Proxy von Marechausen. The Baron is a famed adventurer who has traveled all around the world, and he's going to share some of his tales with us today."
The students all cheered, whether because they were genuinely interested or just happy to get out of math class. Cherilee indicated that she would be in the office room grading papers, and the Baron began to weave his stories.
At first, nothing seemed amiss. But around the one hour point, the older foals noticed that something was just... Off... About the stories they were hearing. Still, they had been taught respect and held their tongues.
Until...
The younger foals leaned forward, riveted by the story. "There I was!" Marechausen said, "Surrounded! Before me, a thousand Minotaurs. Behind, ten thousand changelings! To my left hoof stood a legion of gryphons, and to my right countless Kobolds! Even had I been a Pegasus, I had no recourse, for the sky was filled with angry dragons!"
"G... Gosh..." Dinky asked, "Did you... Die...?"
"Oh come on Dinky!" Scootaloo exclaimed, "If he died he wouldn't be here telling us the story!"
"Nopony could have escaped all that." Dinky insisted.
"Okay, okay... Let's find out." Rolling her eyes, Scootaloo said "Please answer Dinky's question. Did you die?"
"Yes. I did..."
"There. You see Dinky? What did I tell-" Scootaloo's head swung from Dinky to the Baron as his answer sunk in. "WHAT!?!"
"If y'all are dead how'r yah tellin' this story?" Apple Bloom agreed.
Snips eyes opened wide. "Maybe he's a... Z... Zompony!!!"
"Fear not." Marechausen answered, "I am not a Zompony. Anymore..."
"Anymore?" Apple Bloom asked, one eyebrow raised.
"Allow me to finish. All will be explained... Now then, as the astute young Dinky noted, nopony could've survived. I died, and found myself a spirit in the afterworld. Deciding that being dead was no reason to stop adventuring, I travelled extensively. Saw heaven and hell, purgatory and limbo, the celestial and telestial kingdoms, tartarus and the elysian fields. Why, I even braved the domain of the Gluemaker himself...But then, after a week-"
Scootaloo interrupted. "You did all that in one week?"
"Well, I was a spirit. Travel time didn't figure in."
Across the room, Silver Spoon said "I'm not buying this story any more than you Scootaloo... But you've kinda gotta give him that one."
"Oh alright... Go on..."
"Yes. After a week, I was,pulled back to this world... When an evil sorceress revived me as an undead Zompony!"
"So you were a Zompony and now you're not. How does that work?" Rumble asked.
"I didn't like being a Zompony you see... The food was good, brain is the most delicious thing ever, at least to a Zompony... But, well... Let me tell you children something very few among the living know: Zomponys don't last very long. They all re-die within five years."
"Re-die!?"
The Baron shook his head. "Heart attacks. Turns out, the reason brain tastes so good is, it's FULL of cholesterol. I didn't want to go that way."
"Okay, I'll bite... What did you do?" Sweetie Belle asked.
"I was lucky. Many years before, during an extended stay in Zebrabawe, I studied homeopathic medicine at the hooves of a Zebra witch doctor. I used the knowledge gained there to develop an herbal cure for Zomponyism. Now I'm alive again."
"Wow!" Dinky exclaimed.
Leaning over, Scootaloo whispered "Dinky, he's making all this up!"
"How can you say that?"
"Here. I'll prove it. Watch carefully." Scootaloo whispered back. Raising her voice, she said "Mister Baron? I've heard you went to the moon! Can you tell us what it was like?"
"Ahhh the moon..." Marechausen began, "Not a place most ponies would want to visit. No air, no water, no food, ravenous moon-beasts hiding in the craters... I was most fortunate to go before Princess Luna's return, when Nightmare Moon was still imprisoned there."
"Wait... Running into Nightmare Moon was a good thing? How do you figure that?"
"Oh it's quite simple. I am a stallion, after all, and she is a mare. A mare who had been all alone for nearly a thousand years. Suffice to say, she was quite horn-muuuummp!" The Baron was silenced mid-word by Cherilee who, moving faster thaan her students thought possible, stuffed a hoof in his mouth.
"Story time is over children!" Cherilee said.
"AWWWW!!!!"
"I'm sorry, but the Baron and I need to have a very long talk... We've only got five minutes left, you all can go on home."
"YAAAAY!!!!"
Students filed out of the schoolhouse in-mass, not noticing the dagger their teacher was glaring at the Baron. A small group of them gathered in the playground. "Oy, there's something wrong about that story..." Pipsqueak said.
Scootaloo laughed. "You just now figured that out?"
"Well, it's only the end bit... Nightmare Moon didn't have horns!"
"Hey yeah!" Dinky agreed. "What was that about?"
"Dunno." Apple Bloom said. "Maybe I'll ask Applejack."
"Yeah, and I'll ask my mom!" Dinky agreed.
The next parent/teacher conference was the strangest Cherilee ever had...