Discord Writes a Ship Fic

by Phoenix Quill

Journal of Discord's Travels

I have decided against writing the dates beyond anything other than what season it is, and what day of the week it is. Or not, I don't know or care to be honest. Surely Applejack would be proud to know I told the truth in the first paragraph of the book.

Well, I'm writing in here simply because this was given to me by Luna when I left the castle this morning. OH I should probably mention I don't live there any more. Yeah, Celestia kicked me out until the job's done. Anyway, my first stop is Eagland of the Braytish Empire. For some unfathomable reason, a lot of ponies like to vacation there to look at castles and other crumbling buildings. As if Equestria doesn't also have these things.

Maybe they really just want to laugh at their Braytish accents. I don't know, now where was I? Ah yes, the day. Today I teleported myself and Random Thought to the Canterlot Airship Yards to book a first class cabin on board the Airship Regale. Only to find that by "First Class" it meant that we got the only room that isn't being used to carry mail at the moment. Between the two of us, we have a budget of thirty trillion super bits. Which has the buying power of about a hundred bits two weeks ago.

Once the ship was ready, we headed east. The day was rather bland for a while, and the meal was horrendous. I can't believe how they prepare this food sometimes, it's not even fit for a diamond dog, and they eat anything.

So far it's been three hours into the trip, and I have come to a very important decision. I really hate rooming with Random Thought. For openers, he bounces back and forth in his seat or bed wherever we go and will randomly tell me some fact I could have gone until the end of time not knowing about. But even worse than that, is when he DOES decide to tell me something I need to know, he mumbles it so I have to ask him to tell me again, and when he does tell me again, he is loud enough that I'm sure that everypony can hear him.

Anyway, what else is there I could say? I've got a few days before the ship gets there. Maybe I should enjoy myself?

I have come to an important decision, I don't need Random Thought. In fact, I don't need this ship! So I turned the ship's fuel into maple syrup, and had a good laugh at the captain before teleporting to Eaglend!

I have to admit, the gryphons here are so interesting, I particularly like their custom of taking guests to the stocks for randomly teleporting on their queen's lap. (She's a real gem.) But hey, joke's on them because I can escape from this stock at any time I want.

I just don't want to right now is all.

Okay I'm actually stuck in this thing, and am using my mouth to write.

Hope Random gets here soon with my paperwork to explain why I'm here.

Okay so I got out of the stocks today, and I know I was way too tall for those things. I mean, I was stuck in one position for the entire duration of last night. Not as bad as my old stone suit, but still.

So Random managed to save me, after a lecture that I thought would never end. Once he was done, we began work at once. Even though I can simply snap my talons to send the wonky currency to a safe place, I still have to find it. So, enter John Smith's device. It goes ding when there's an anomaly.

You would think that being so near to me, it would go off a lot, but so far we had cleaned up around seventy percent of the duplicating bits. We should be done by tomorrow, if we keep up this pace.

I can't believe it took this long just to do the Braytish Isles. Fortunately for us, we only have so many countries to actually visit on the Gryphonian Continent. I know it's been a while since I wrote last so here's the deal.

At first, we thought that the country side wouldn't be so bad, but it turned out that many ponies like to see this part of Great Brayton. I have decided that I hate these ponies. But it only took a week to take care of that. See the biggest problem I had, was that John Smith kept showing up in his box when we would go back to the capitol city. Sure enough, every time he showed up, something would happen.

Daleks and Cyber Ponies/Gryphons are now on my list. You know, the list. The list of things I will destroy if given the opportunity.

Anyway, it's almost Hearth's Warming Eve back in Equestria, and despite this country being mostly gryphons, there are quite a few ponies here, and they do celebrate that as a holiday. Surely nothing can go wrong with a Hearth's Warming Eve in Lofton.

Never spend Hearth's Warming Eve in Lofton. Everything goes wrong, and invasions seem to be the norm. Why are so many alien beings attracted to this city? The strangest thing is that right after everything was over, and John Smith, sorry "The Doctor" disappeared, nopony, or gryph remembered what had happened.

What was I writing about? Ah who cares. Anyway, the train to Prance will be ready again tomorrow.

One bright sunny midnight after the Prench surrender to the ponies of Spur, a pony walked into a drinking establishment. Little did anyone realize at the time, but you and I do, is that this was no ordinary pony, but Princess Celestia herself. She wrapped the cloak tightly around her, hoping beyond any reason that none would be able to recognize the freakishly tall alicorn pony in a cloak.

Fortunatly for her, and the plot, (lol, plot) none noticed as she made her way past the swinging doors. (pubs still have those, right?)

Anyway, she made her way across the room, and fortunatly nopony noticed her because they were drunk, passed out, or both. But the bartender, (a lovely hippogryph named Zelda) did recognize her and waved enthusiastically. "Hello Princess Celestia, I heard that you have a wonderful singing voice! Can you sing, You Are My Sunshine, on my humble little stage?"

Princess Celestia however just shook her head and said, "No, sorry, I'm a little horse," and the bar erupted in laughter. "Hey, come on, what? Where is all that laughing coming from anyway?"

Prance is just as much of a lovely place as anyone has told me. Surely Queen Chrysalis would have a ball if she brought her changeling army here.

Since the atmosphere here was so perfect for lovers, I decided to ditch Random Thought, and go find a date for the evening. The Queen of Eagland does not like to be suddenly brought to a foreign country, so I guess my date was doomed from the start. Fortunately, she enjoys baguettes and wine, so I bought the ol' gryphon several and sent her back. I wish I could see the look on her guards faces.

Okay, I just brought a guard here to see the look on his face. He's surprisingly stoic for a gryphon trying to slash me with his talons. Today is not one of my best ones for ideas, so I'm going off to the Volière Tower.

Discord's log,
Prench Date, who cares. I'm running from the Prench police right now because they don't appreciate my improved version of Volière Tower. Clearly I should have used baguettes between the gumdrops instead of pretzel sticks, more Prench that way. Fortunatley I lost them in the many catacombs under the city. Crap I think one of them spotted me, time to move again!

Okay, I think I'm lost, and without a good bearing on things, and I can't seem to use my chaotic magic here. Don't ask me why, I don't know myself. I'm going to blame the ponies in Germaneigh, because, reasons.

Finally found my way out of the catacombs, only to find that Random had done the work for me, and every improvement I had made to Prance has gone back to normal. What kind of omnipotent being am I lately? I suppose I'm one that has limitations of some sort, or at least limitations I set for myself.

Anyway, I just got a letter telling me to come back to Equestria, and to bring Random back, because I'm not supposed to have help in this job. So, let's see what's going on back home.

Alright, I should keep a better track on things I did millennia ago, because one of my plans to defeat Celestia and Luna has only JUST NOW taken effect. Talk about a delayed reaction, (I swear this is the first time this has ever happened.) Helped save the day, fat lot of thanks I got for it too. On a more positive note, the Elements of Harmony are no more! On a not so positive note, Fluttershy's stare scares the willies out of me. I think I'll just mind my peas and queues for now.

I hate Gryphonia. I hate every inch of this continent. It's not the ponies, or the buildings, or the cows, or the mules or anything else like that. It's the gryphons.

You might be saying, Discord that's an incredibly bigoted thing for you to think. To which I say, why are you reading my journal?
It's not that I hate gryphons, I don't really. It's just that they are so serious! It's like they all have a cactus branch stuck up their plot holes so deep that they might just cough out needles any moment once they roll out of the wrong side of the bed and prepare themselves for a gloomy day.

That's the other thing, gryphons seem to really like cloudy days. Sure Prance got some sunshine, so did Spur and Crate and the Minotaur Islands, but Germaneigh, Cowstantinople, The United Coalition of Classified Mules, I think they have a grudge against Celestia and Luna or something because mare, those skies are grey twenty four seven.

What else do I have to say, ah, I'm about to enter the worst of it, the Empire of Gryphonia. I know it sounds confusing, but let me explain. Heck I was there at the beginning so this should be fun.

So during a period of history known as, A Long Ass (it's not swearing if we are talking about donkeys) Time Ago, the gryphons were considered a mostly nomadic group of beings. Often considered to not be of any special intellect, they managed to survive by hunting smaller prey, and consuming nuts and berries.

Despite the fact that these gryphons were mighty hunter warriors, there were two problems. One was other gryphon tribes, and the other were dragons. Enter into the story Blitz VonFlügel, he was your typical gryphon war lord, young, harsh, and most decidedly greedy.

Blitz VonFlügel was the leader of what was known as the Storm Bringers, a clan that originated in the far north of modern Gryphonia, and they surely did earn that name. Now, I was young...ish when I ran into this gryphon, and didn't much bother to interact with anything, so long as it stayed out of my area. He however did invade my territory. Him and his army of toy soldiers.

See, I was busy at the moment trying to make a cross between a fish and a bird, because the other day Rhyme told me, "that a fish and a bird might be in love but where would they live?" So I wanted to show her what's what by combining the two. Since you are probably interested in such matters, I'll tell you that I never could get it right, and Rhyme would always just smile at me. How I hated her for that.

Anyway, while I was working on my brilliant hybrid, when Blitz and his army came crashing through the forest. When I saw him strutting about, so important I decided that poison ivy underpants would change his demeanor. And oh how it did, I wish you could have seen his face as he began to twitch uncomfortably. He shouted something about how he's going to check on something and sending his army ahead of him, and once they were gone, he stripped out of his armor faster than someone that works in a house of ill repute.

It didn't take him long to find me laughing of course, and it frustrated him to no end when he couldn't catch me. It went on for a while, and once I grew bored with his ranting and attempts to slash me open, I turned him into a field mouse and set him on a rock and said, "Now you look here."

He looked up at me with the pink eyes I gave him, and I couldn't help but giggle to myself before continuing. "I am Discord, spirit of Disharmony of the world, and I demand to know why you have entered my forest."

He was about to speak up, or rather, squeak up, when I heard someone say, "Our forest Discord."

Some of you have only heard rumors of Rhyme, and I'll let you know a few things about her before we move on. While we both could chose to be anything we wanted, she didn't look anything like me. While I would bare my natural beauty to all, she would chose to be something familiar to whomever looked upon her. In this case, she appeared as a snowy gryphon. She walked forward and changed VonFlügel back as if I never did anything and said, "Speak mortal," in an airy yet commanding voice. "Why do you enter the sacred wood?"

He blinked stupidly a few times before finally answering. "We seek to give order to the world, we are only passing through to a battle with our enemy clan."

We looked at each other, I smirked while she frowned, and I said, "You seek to give order, but do so by sowing confusion through war?"

He looked confused for a few moments as he thought of an answer, as if I had given him some sort of riddle. Finally he nodded before giving an answer. "Yes, in order to prosper, all the tribes need to unite under one clan. My clan is the strongest, so I will bring them to me, and destroy any that stop me."

Silence echoed through the forest as we looked at each other. Of course, it was the perfect moment for me to kill the mood, so I did by saying, "Sound's good to me, go berzerk and make me proud!"

"Now hold," Rhyme said with a raised talon. "You are willing to let him destroy for something you despise?"

I shrugged and blew a raspberry in response. "Pu-lease. He's not the first war mongering gryphon to do half my work for me, and he won't be the last. These guys are always having squabbles with each other."

Rhyme looked at me for a few moments before a smile spread across her beak. "Alright Blitz VonFlügel, you have my blessing for this, and you shall wear a crown of many nations that spreads from your frozen and harsh home, to the fertile warm lands to the south. All that is west of the red river shall all be yours."

I wish my jaw could have dropped lower than the ground, because I couldn't believe what I was hearing. "Wait, what?! You can't do that!"

"I just did," she said with a frown. "He will unite all that live there, and they will prosper in my light."

I looked at the two of them as he began to grovel thanks to my counterpart. He then looked at me, and I saw fear begin to enter his eyes as I towered over him. "Fine, you have her blessing, and I said you may pass, but now I give you this." I then took a pinch of dirt from the forest floor, and it became a crown. "So long as you fight, you will be in victory, and a king of all nations in those lands. But, you will lose your life to one of those that you conquered." I showed him a silhouette of ponies, other gryphons, cows, donkeys, mules, and minotaurs surrounding the crown. "And no heir of yours shall inherit what you sought to create."

After that, we left the area together, leaving Blitz VonFlügel to make his page on history. One I'm sure you slept through in middle school. Everywhere he went, he brought such delicious chaos, only to leave order and harmony, rhyme and reason if you will for those that would follow him. How I hated Rhyme, she became so elated that her way was spreading so far and wide, but I got my kicks too on the battle field, where the words, to confuse, and, ordered chaos, became synonymous with war.

And when he had everything west of the Red River that marked the start of the dragon lands, he stopped his fighting. Naming everyone there Gryphonians, and the empire was to be known as Gryphonia. It was such delicious irony when his best friend killed him. It was even sweeter that it was an earth pony. For the next several centuries, leaders came and went, and the empire slowly broke up, and the Empire of Gryphonia shrunk to the island where it all started. But the continent kept the name, perhaps just to confuse us all. And I love confusion.

Huh, it seems that in my story time with you, the boat has made with port at the Empire of Gryphonia. I can tell from the rain that they still seem to love being miserable about things as always. Oh well, if there's anything I learned about gryphons through Blitz VonFlügel, it's that they can be fun in the right conditions.

Alright, these guys so far have been cordial. Seems that they still tell the story about Rhyme and I, they even have a celebration every year. Good thing it's in a few days, and they are treating me as an honored guest here in the capitol. So far, I have had to sign a few things, and managed to get Equestria back into their good graces. (It's all in the fact that I am me, and I am the best thing since ever.)

Anyway, as I was setting up my room, (nice digs by the way, very posh) I had been going over the letters I had been sending back and forth between myself, and Fluttershy, and I realized something. In a few letters here and there, every one of her friends had at least sent me a "how are you," or "good luck out there," note attached to a few of her letters. All that is, except for Twilight.

Maybe she's too busy being the latest princess to hit Equestria, but I think it's time that I took a day for me. Surely things will go over well if I leave for one day to say hi to everypony. But I need a plan, yes, I need to test Twilight. If only I knew what to do.

Huh, I just realized that all the police in this town are missing, so I asked what was going on. Seems they all called in sick at the same time with something called, "blue flu." In other words, they are striking without striking.

I have a plan.

That was one of the best/worst ideas I ever had.

Yes, I got Twilight Sparkle, and bonus, her sister in law Cadence to care for me, and even go to the edge of Equestria to try and "cure" me!

Worst thing ever, I actually got sick from a... thing that sneezed on me. Fluttershy got me back up to speed though, so I managed to get back to Gryphonia on time to not be missed.

Anyhow, I still have a few places to see, bits to collect. Will be done in about two weeks before I head south. I look forward to it, because making all these heaters is really draining my magic.

I've been in Saddle Arabia for a few weeks now, and I am half way done.

Oh how I hate it here, I thought the cold was bad, just imagine what it's like to melt like an ice cube when you step outside. Fortunate for me, I only have one more bank to check in on, and I get to move on at last.

I'm done, and not a moment too soon, I just got a letter from Celestia about something going on back in Equestria that ISN'T MY FAULT! Seems someone got out of Tartars, and Celestia wants me to find him. She promises that once I'm done, negotiations will start about getting my ministry back.

But I wonder, why should I negotiate with her? I mean, I did all this work because of something I wasn't responsible for, and still had to pay my employees. These talks had better go well, because I don't think I can just stand being Celestia's personal jester. Or worse still, treated like some kind of assistant.

It's times like this, when I get summoned to do this and that, no matter who's responsible and it all falls on my back, that makes me wish I never agreed to reform. That I just took over everything once more when the Element's were gone. But I do enjoy Fluttershy's company, and reading her friend's journal has been more fun than it should be. I don't know any more.

Maybe I just need a nap before I get back to Celestia. Let's see what kind of emergency this really is.