//------------------------------// // Chapter 1: The Title Is Not What It Appears // Story: Marenheit 451 // by RainbowBob //------------------------------// “Spiiiiiike!” Spike opened one eye, his vision filled with purple. Instead of horrible case of reverse color-blindness like he first thought, Spike quickly realized Twilight’s face was just extremely close to his own. “...What?” he asked. “You have morning breath.” Spike closed his eyes and breathed in deeply through his nose. “Yeah. That’s what you get in the mornings.” He breathed out of his mouth, assaulting Twilight’s face with full-on dragon-mouth stink. “Like right now, actually.” Twilight waved a hoof before her muzzle and gagged. “Sheesh, Spike, at least brush your teeth first!” “Let me sleep first,” he grumbled, turning around in his basket so Twilight was left talking to his backside. “Oh no you don’t, lazy-scales.” Spike’s eyes abruptly shot open when his basket was pulled out from underneath him because of Twilight’s magic, leaving him with just the cruel, cold floor for support. “We have work today, so no sleeping in.” “Ugh, but Twiiiiiiliiiiiiight.” “The only butt I want to see from you is the one moving,” Twilight said, picking Spike up by his tail and sending him on his way. The dragon muttered under his breath and yawned, trudging towards the bathroom to relieve himself of the morning breath problem. Twilight made her way downstairs and put a fresh pot of coffee out on the table, pouring herself and Spike two glasses. For all of Spike’s complaining about not getting enough sleep, he still slept a good four hours more than herself, yet still declared the need for more coffee consumption. He drank double the caffeine Twilight would normally need, yet even then he wasn’t a morning dragon. Twilight reasoned it was his dragon metabolism, since his species ate super-hard rocks for breakfast like it was nothing. Remembering this, Twilight poured out a bowl of Sugar-Induced Popgems for Spike. She, of course, kept the prize of a miniature Power Ponies action figure, since her collection of them was nearly complete and then her life would be complete as well. Spike practically crawled down the stairs, going towards his coffee like a moth to a light. He guzzled down at least half of the burning hot cup, not in the least bit affected by the scalding liquids other than sighing in relief. As Twilight poured out her own breakfast cereal that wouldn’t crack her molars, she said, “Get ready, Spike, because we have a full day ahead of us. We’re going to reorganize the library top to bottom, sweep up, then mop up, then steam up! After that we’ll go buy groceries, and then pick up that new sofa from the Quills and Sofa store, and then we can finally get around to taking the town census and go door to door asking ponies how many residents live in their households!” Twilight’s eyes practically shone with enthusiasm. “Doesn’t that sound like fun?” Spike slurped a spoonful of milk and gems from his spoon, slowly blinking his eyes. “Humma’wha?” For the second time in less than five minutes Spike’s eyes opened up abruptly as a huge belching burp escaped his lips. “Eww, Spike, you still have morning breath!” Twilight chided, covering her nose with a hoof. “How many times do I have to tell you to wash your fangs?” “About fi—buuuuuuuuuurp—ve times,” Spike said. His stomach gurgled, a large lump traveling up it, through his throat, and finally in his mouth, where a huge jet of flames propelled itself out of his jaws. Twilight immediately ducked under the table to keep her eyebrows from being singed or her face from melting off. Peeking her head out from underneath the now burning table, Twilight grinned when she spotted a scroll rolling across the floor. “Ooh, Princess Celestia sent me a letter!” “Great. Wonderful. Fantastic. Amazing,” Spike muttered, small groans soon following this as he held his still grumbling belly. Smoke continued to billow out from his nostrils like chimneys. Spike rested his head on the burning table, the flames not affecting him in the slightest. “I bet no other assistants have to put up with this stuff so early in the morning…” “Most other assistants aren’t fax machines, Spike,” Twilight reminded him, eagerly unrolling her scroll. “Also, lay off eating Ponican food so late at night.” “At least fax machines run out of ink.” Spike’s stomach made a noise that could only be described as a wolf viciously slaughtering an elk while cats were being thrown into water in the background. “Argh… the nachos are having their vengeance!” Spike jumped out of his seat and raced to the bathroom. “There will be no survivors!” Twilight hummed under her breath, her eyes scrolling across the letter in rapid succession while the noise of Spike’s grunts and begs for mercies to various deities could be heard in the background. Dear Princess Twilight, It is I, Celestia, all-powerful ruler and Goddess of the Ponies. I’m just dropping off this letter to congratulate you. Your works and studies in friendship have been a blessing to all of Equestria, and perhaps even the world itself. Who knew making friends would actually be a benefit? Plus, it’s not like anyone else had ever thought of this before in the history of ever. Your hard work is truly a marvel to behold, and all of Equestria and existence is in your grace for being so wonderful and awesome and cool. Twilight blushed, her smile practically splitting her face in two. “Oh man, Spike, Celestia called me cool!” “AHHHHHHHH!” Spike screamed from the bathroom. “I know, how awesome is that?” Twilight continued reading aloud. However, like countless times before, I am in dire need of your assistance. You see, Luna, my darling and much better than myself sister, will be on vacation for the next couple of days at some comic book convention out of the universe. In that time she won’t be able to control the moon, as you well know. I would do it myself, but hey, I thought this was perfect princess training for you. That, and also because I’m super lazy and fat. Like, super-duper fat. When I go to the movies I practically sit next to everypony. When I step onto a scale, it says one pony at a time. I have to stand in front of a lake just to see a full reflection of myself. Wait, I think I was writing about something… Oh yeah! What I need for you to do is control the moon for the next couple of days. I know it might be a bit difficult the first couple of tries, but I have the utmost confidence than you can pull it off. Remember now, I am utterly depending on you to get the job done. Every shred of my confidence is piling up on your ability to finish this task to completion. There is no way I could physically, emotionally, and mentally be more supportive in you than I already am right now. But seriously, have fun with it. Toodaloo! Your Fantastically and Fabulously Fat Princess, Celestia XOXOXO <3 “Spike, did you hear that?” Twilight called out. Spike returned from his duty (heh) while wiping his hands on a moist towelette. “Yeah. Does that letter seem… strange to you?” “How so?” Spike held the letter out in front of himself and frowned. “Well, for one thing, this doesn’t even look like Celestia’s handwriting.” “She doesn’t even write with her hands… mostly because she doesn’t have any.” “Then what about the fact that it’s written in crayon?” Twilight pouted, swiping the letter out of Spike’s claws. “She probably ran out of quills. Also, Spike, I’m surprised by you. How could you ever even think about doubting the princess?” Spike stamped his foot down and groaned. “Because that doesn’t even sound like the princess!” “Well, only Celestia herself can send letters through you, so that’s all the proof I need. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I need to prepare for moving the moon tonight.” “Does that mean we’re not going to do all those chores?” Twilight nodded. “I have too much to worry about taking over Princess Luna’s duties. The chores will have to wait until then. In the meantime, I need you sleep and then to prepare several extra batches of coffee once you awake. It’s going to be a long night.” Spike waited until Twilight had traveled up the stairs before falling to his knees and looking up to the heavens with tears traveling down his face and a smile on his cheeks. “Whenever I lose faith in you, you give me a reason to believe again. Thank you, Santa Claus, thank you so much.” “Celestia, I’m moving the moon now!” Luna shouted down the stairs to her sister’s room. “You don’t have to tell me each time you’re going to do that, Luna, I already know!” Celestia shouted back. “But I just want to make sure with you!” “You’re just doing this to annoy me, aren’t you?” Then, using her Royal Canterlot voice to the best of her abilities, Luna asked, “WHAT EVER DO YOU MEAN, DEAR SISTER?!” “Just go bring the moon up!” A few seconds later Celestia darkly muttered, “Stupid moon-butt.” Luna giggled, trotting with a skip in her step to her balcony. Luna threw open her balcony doors and stood leaning against its rails, staring up above at the orange and pink sky, with its edges just along the horizon transforming into a smoky violet color. “Okay, moon, time to say hello to your favorite princess!” And with that, Luna’s horn was enveloped in a bright field of magic, her full attention focused on the sky. At first nothing changed, but ever so slowly a brilliant white entity of light rose from the east, while the sun sank until it finally set in the west. From the east appeared the moon, her moon, a silver coin in the sky more valuable than all the wealth in the entire world. With its grand appearance came its compatriots, the stars, all twinkling and sparkling like dewdrops in the great plains that was the night sky. Even after having performed this ritual countless times before, the experience still took Luna’s breath away. The her breath was literally taken away when her moon rose halfway across the sky. Choking a bit, Luna’s magic sputtered and then finally died. “What the… what’s happening to my moon?” Growling a bit under her breath, Luna attempted to rectify this by returning her moon to its proper place. However, the minute it was returned it moved again, dipping beneath the horizon so now there was no light in Equestria except the stars in the sky. “Oh, come on, what in Tartarus’ name is going on?” Luna asked. Her horn shone bright and she wrestled her magical grip on the moon, practically dragging it back into place. But like a slippery eel, it wouldn’t stay in her grip, and instead decided to move of its own occurrence any which way it wanted. “I don’t care what you want, moon, you better get back here right now! Don’t make this anymore difficult than it already has to be!” Luna shouted at the moon, waving her hoof at it. The moon chose to respond by twisting itself across the sky, slipping out of her grasp only to propel itself this way and that like a giant cosmic game of pinball. “Damnit, don’t make me come up there!” The moon spun in place, wiggling a bit in the sky. Luna’s cheeks turned a deep shade of red. “Did you… did you just moon me?” Her mane turned a dark cobalt blue and burst into flames, her eyes spewing out fire as well. “Oh, that is it! No more Missus Nice Mare! Now time for Missus Nightmare!” “Okay, a little to the left,” Spike said, looking up from the telescope. Twilight pulled at her mane, flipping through dozens of astronomy books all at once. “We went left not five seconds ago! The moon is supposed to be near the horizon, but now it’s going all… topsy-turvy!” “Are you sure you’re doing the spell right?” “Yes, Spike, of course. It’s just moving a giant rock in the sky that’s one-fourth the size of the planet that’s approximately 238,900 miles away. This shouldn’t be too hard.” Spike glanced back through the scope of his telescope, humming under his breath. “Well, there’s your problem.” “What?” “A comet crashed into the moon.” Spike winced, backing away from the telescope while grimacing. “Wasn’t a pretty landing either.” “Well, what’s it doing now?” Twilight asked, peering up at the giant silver disk floating up above. Looking back into the telescope, Spike whistled. “Well, I’ll be. Poor moon.” “What? What’s happening to the moon?” Twilight’s eyes glanced fearfully up to the lunar sphere. “Is it going to blow up?” “Worse,” Spike said, “it’s getting spanked.” “...Say what now?” Spike backed away and with a fancy flourish of his hands gestured for Twilight to take a look through the telescope. Peering through it, Twilight could vaguely make out the extremely tiny shape of an unidentified flying pony smashing itself repeatedly into the moon’s surface with their hoof, sending shockwaves in every direction. It was, indeed, spanking the moon for whatever wrong-doing it had performed. “Wow… um… I’m honestly lost for words right here,” Twilight said. “I think tha—” Spike’s sentence was finished by a burp. Thumping on his chest with a fist, Spike bellowed another obnoxious release of stomach gases. This time, however, he was finally successful in spitting a scroll out. “Oh hey, another letter!” Twilight said, picking it up with her magic and unscrolling it right away. “Super. Terrific. Astonishing. Awesome,” Spike groaned, his face in the floorboards. Dear Princess Twilight, Celestia here. You’ve probably heard of me. Anyway, let’s cut to the chase and get real here. I have another super important request for you, Twilight. One that could mean the difference between ruin or survival for all of Equestria. This task is so daunting, not even I, Celestia, Princess of Equestria, thought that you could pull it off at first. But in this time of dire need, there’s no such thing as the impossible. Especially for the likes of you, Twilight. Now, what I need for you to do is send me every single book related and including tax collection, tax filing, tax law, and even tax taxing. I need every single copy for this to work. There’s an emergency tax law situation in Canterlot as we speak, and if something isn’t done, all of Equestria could go broke. And then if we go bankrupt, we won’t be able to use any credit cards for years! Just imagine the horror of that! Now, I imagine collecting all those books and sending them via Spike would be sure to be a difficult endeavor. Which is why I want you to collect all the books and then send them all at once to me tomorrow morning. Every single book in one go. Don’t worry, I shall be fully prepared to collect them once they are sent. Just make sure to send them all at once. Like I said, every single one that you can find. Well, it was nice writing to you. Stay safe, brush your teeth, eat your vegetables, don’t do drugs, and remember, don’t masturbate unless you want to be stricken blind! Yours truly, Princess Celestia, Goddess of the Sun, Giver of the Dawn, and the Biggest of the Flanks XOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOX ;) “Spike, did you hear that?” “Can we pretend I didn’t?” he asked. “No time. We need to collect every tax book in the library! Quickly, we only have until morning!” Twilight said, dragging Spike by the tail to the countless shelves filled to the brim with books. Spike stared up at the ceiling, his lips peeling back into a snarl. “You give just as much as you take, Santa. You’re not holly or jolly at all, you overweight deceiver!” “Spike, who are you talking to?” Twilight called out from a nearby bookshelf. “My spiritual icon that just ripped me off!” “Oh, well, that’s nice.” Twilight pulled out a book only slightly smaller than herself, dumping it on the floor where a few cracks appeared on the groaning floorboards. “Only a few dozen to go!” Celestia chewed on her pancakes, alone at her table at the end of the great banquet hall in the castle. Swallowing, she sipped her orange juice silently. Not a sound could be heard except for her fork and knife scratching against her plate as she cut off another piece of the pancake. Looking to her left and then to her right, she said, “Huh, I wonder where Luna went off to. She usually eats breakfast with me.” With a shrug, Celestia stuck the piece of pancake in her mouth and chewed thoughtfully, subjected to the wonderful assault of maple and buttery goodness on her tastebuds. “Oh well, more pancakes for me then.” Of course, Celestia never got to enjoy these pancakes. And she won’t be able to enjoy any pancakes for a good, long time, seeing how her jaw and soon the rest of her body was crushed under the weight of around one-hundred and eighty-two books of various tax related origins. The books had appeared in a giant burst of green flames, all arranged in one large pile. This pile fell on Celestia, squishing her like a bug. Everything was in pure agony, and pain flooded through her body more than blood. After a few seconds underneath the monstrously large pile of books, Celestia whispered, “I can’t… can’t… feel my… legs.” A single book fell from the top of the incredibly large pile, only to land in her pancakes, completely ruining them. “N-no… not the pan… pancakes.” A single tear fell down Celestia’s bruised cheek. “Anything… but that.” Her tears fell like the maple residue on the broken plate. Bittersweet and artery-clogging. “Whew, what a day, right?” Twilight said. “I can’t believe we managed to pull that off.” “Yeah,” Spike wheezed from his position on the floor. He drew in each breath with pained efforts, his tongue hanging out of his mouth the entire while. “Managed… to pull it… off.” “Spike, are you okay?” Twilight asked. Spike coughed feebly. “Yeah, yeah, just fine. Producing all that fire took a lot out of me though.” Twilight smiled, patting him on the head. “Well, not to worry. You get the rest of the day off for being the best number one assistant a princess could ask for.” “Whoopy,” Spike said, his eyes closing. Not for long, however, because his stomach soon made that familiar gurgling noise again. “Of for crying out lo—” Spike shot up and released a noxious burp unlike anything ever heard or smelled. Twilight had to roll out of its way, her coat along with the rest of her nearly frying due to the intensity of the blaze. A scroll popped out of Spike’s mouth and sailed across the air, smacking on Twilight’s muzzle and sticking on it due to the saliva. “Oh hey, a let—eww, Spike!” Twilight yelled. She slapped the letter off her face and wiped her face with the back of her hoof. “That’s disgusting!” “I’m—buuuuuuurp—gonna head out for a bit.” Spike teetered on his feet, stumbling to the door. “Don’t wait—beeeeelch—up for me.” “Oh, you don’t have to worry about that,” Twilight said, just as Spike slammed the door shut behind him. Gingerly picking up the scroll, even with her magic, Twilight opened it up. Her eyes traveled across the letter in a quick flurry, Twilight quietly reading aloud to herself what was written. However, at the end of the letter, her voice trailed off and her pupils shrank to pinpricks. Reading from the beginning several times, Twilight’s face became a deathly pale shade as she gulped deeply. “No… no, this can’t be right. But Princess Celestia wrote it. And she’s never wrong.” A cold sweat ran down Twilight’s neck. “But this can’t possibly be what she wants me to do. Could it? Could it… could it really be?” Twilight closed her eyes, relaxing her breathing after a couple of shaky breaths. Then, she opened her eyes again, her glare cold and icy. “What done is done. I must do this. For Princess Celestia, I must.” Spike stepped next to Twilight, his ice cream cone falling out of his claw and splattering on the ground. His jaw was quick to join it, along with the rest of his body that practically drooped all the way to the dirt. Twilight stared into the blaze with a chipper smile on her face, a lit torch floating next to herself. After several seconds of collective silence, Spike broke it with a simple proclamation of, "Twilight, you burned down the library!" He stopped, a hand held against his head. “You… you burned it all down. I… I can’t actually believe it.” "It was over. Done with. The pages burned, their knowledge passing away like millions of lives being extinguished at once. That's what the words were, deep down. Lives. Each one intricate and delicate in nature, made to envoy intelligence on those who read it, yet we gave it nothing in return. Except for me. I released these lives to the other side. So that their knowledge can spread across the world in a great tide. By burning them I set them free, more live than they ever could have been on the pages. The pages were traps, the books prisons. I and I alone am the one who freed them. And for now and forever I shall bear this burden upon my shoulders, knowing what I have done yet also disturbed there was no other choice. No other choice at all..." Spike stared with Twilight into the inferno of what had used to be their home. Then, Spike turned to Twilight, his face completely blank. "Twilight, are you on any drugs right now? Be honest with me.” Twilight shook her head, handing Spike her letter. “Here. Read and all the truths of this world shall be revealed.” Spike’s eyes glanced to Twilight, then the letter, then back to Twilight, and finally on the letter again, sweat pouring down his brow. Gulping, he began reading the letter aloud. Dear Princess Twilight, Yo, homie dawg, what is up in da hiz house? Urban slang aside, I have some mad buttery knowledge to smother your toast ears with. Right now, at this very moment, without even thinking twice, thrice, or some other word about it, I need you to burn down the library. Of course, you already know the reason for this. All princesses know how important burning down libraries are, and since you yourself are a princess, you must certainly know it already! Since we’re on the same page, I need you to do it ASAP. Go, go go, burn, burn, burn, and all that fun stuff. Heck, include it in that book of yours. Arson is Magic. Boom! You just learned a new friendship lesson. Congrats! Anyway, get to it soon, and I am eager to see the results right away. Fo’ shizzle my nizzle. Your superfly and totally radical homie, Princess Celestia XOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXO :P Spike crushed the letter into a ball and threw it in the flames. “Wow, I can’t believe you did it.” Spike shook his head, sighing deeply. “Wait, no I can. What were you thinking, Twilight? You don’t just do everything Celestia says just because she tells you too. Grow a backbone! Do what you think is right! For pete’s sake, I’m like a decade younger than you and I have enough common sense to know that!” “No, Spike, don’t you see?” Twilight said. Her smile never left her face, her eyes reflecting the flames as they danced in the breeze. “I am now pure. I have given up all my earthly possessions. My body is lighter than it’s ever been before. As the fire burns away my home, it burns down my tethers to the world, allowing me to truly be as free as can be. I have ascended to a new life, a new existence, one of which I am in control of myself and only myself. It is here that I make my stand, where I am whole, where I—” “Hey, Twilight, Princess Celestia is here,” Spike said, pointing a thumb over his shoulder. “I used the napkin I had holding my ice cream and some of the chocolate and sent her a message asking her to knock some sense into you.” Twilight blinked, her eyes swaying to the pony right behind Spike. “Princess Celestia, look, I did what you… you… you’re covered in bandages,” Twilight said. Indeed the princess was, her entire body wrapped head to hooves in adhesive tape. The only spot that wasn’t completely covered was her mouth and eyes, which stared disapprovingly at Twilight with a frown on her lips. Luna stepped out from behind Celestia, her entire body covered in moondust and half her mane frozen. “Princess Luna, what are you doing here?” Twilight asked, her eyes moving between the two. “I think it’s simple enough to explain what’s going on,” Celestia said, her bandaged horn glowing a soft yellow. “Ow!” Her magic disappeared and she winced. “Damnit… Luna, you do it.” Rolling her eyes, Luna’s horn went to work and was engulfed in her magic. Before too long, a body teleported before the group, enwrapped in rope with a gag stuffed in his mouth. “Discord?” Twilight sputtered. “But why is he here?” “Oh, I think the conniving twit can explain that himself,” Celestia growled. “Luckily, Luna found him just in time with the evidence to prove him guilty of his crimes before he could pull another stunt like this.” Discord was finally successful in removing his gag by swallowing it whole. Looking up at the combined harsh glares of the group, he chuckled nervously under his breath. “Oh, uh, h-hey guys! Is Nightmare Night early this year, because I gotta say, Celestia, great mummy costume.” Celestia frowned, but didn’t dare move. Luckily, Luna caught on fair enough from her sister’s expression to tighten Discord’s bonds, causing him to squeak like a squeezed chewtoy. “Okay, okay, fine!” Discord rolled his eyes, both of which promptly popped out of his head only to be swallowed down his gullet. “I found a stash of Celestia’s stationary scrolls she uses to send you letters. And since I knew you practically worshipped the ground Celestia walked on, I decided to have some fun. But for a good reason!” “What good reason could possibly be for burning down the library?” Spike asked. “Or moving my moon?” Luna said. “Or breaking most of the bones in my body?” Celestia muttered, her eyes still focused on Discord with flames sparking up in her pupils. Discord gulped, smiling so that his eyeballs were held in between his teeth. “Now, see here, I only did it to teach Twilight a lesson. A friendship lesson, actually. That she shouldn’t listen blindly to authority all the time and make her own decisions about what’s right or wrong.” Gulping his eyeballs back down his throat, they appeared again in their rightful sockets. “To be completely honest, I didn’t even think she’d actually burn down her own home. I just, you know, wanted to see how far she’d go.” Discord winked at Twilight. “Good to see you follow the mindset of ‘go big or go home’.” “Discord, that is one of the most selfish and manipulative things I have ever heard. How could you possibly think any of your actions could benefit Twilight?” Celestia said. “Friendship lesson or not, you’re in a lot of trouble, mister. Maybe even a timeout in a certain stone prison just to make sure the message gets clear.” “Wait, Celestia, don’t,” Twilight said. “What?” Spike said. “Are you serious here, Twilight? He burned down our home! Well, technically you did that yourself, but he’s the cause behind it.” Luna nodded, shaking some moondust off from her back legs. “I agree with Spike. Discord deserves punishment for his crimes.” “But still, he did teach me a lesson. A lesson I’ll never forget.” Twilight looked to Discord, who was lying rather pathetically on his back all tied up, and even went the extra mile of pouting and whimpering at her. “I was doing whatever ‘Celestia’ said without even questioning it. If I am to become a ruler of Equestria and lead my nation one day, I need to make my own choices, and not solely depend on the advice and word from others to base my decisions upon.” “So that means you’re not mad at me?” Discord asked, his hoping blossoming like a spring flower. Twilight quickly crushed this flower beneath her hoof, and dug it into the dirt for good measure. “No, I’m still mad. Just not mad enough to turn you to stone again.” Discord got to his feet and started hopping away from the group, still tied up. “Oh, well, I’ll be on my way then. Toodaloo, peace out, hasta luego, smell you later and all the rest.” “Wait!” “Ugh, but Twiiiiiiiiliiiiiiiight!” “You still need to replace the library,” Twilight said. “And all the books, along with the furniture and everything else in there.” Discord grimaced. “Even for me, that’d take forever! I’m not just some genie!” “Well, we could always put you back in your lamp. Which is actually just a stone statue of yourself, but I’m sure you’re not too picky.” “No, I mean that it’d literally take me forever. I just can’t create life out of nothing once it’s gone, so I’d have to regrow the tree from just a seed.” Discord shrugged. “Well, okay, it won’t take me literally forever, but you get the point. The rest is easy, it’s just the tree that’s the tricky bit.” Twilight’s horn glowed, and Discord’s bindings disappeared. Out of nowhere teleported a pot filled with soil, along with a seed and water can beside it. “Well, you better get started then. You’re going to be taking care of this plant each and every day until it grows into my home again.” Discord opened his mouth to argue, but closed it from the glares everyone was riddling him full of. Sighing while muttering under his breath, he dug out a handful of dirt from the pot and planted the seed in, covering it soon after. Picking up the watering can, Discord started drenching the soil with water, all the while grumbling. “I swear, this better be the last time this tree bursts into flames.”