“You’re wearing a full suit jacket and dress shirt to dinner... in your own home?” asked Cookie Crumbles from the bathroom as she checked her beehive do in the mirror.
“Brilliant, isn’t it?” asked Hondo Flanks as he admired himself in his full length wardrobe mirror, pleased to learn that one of the most flattering articles of clothing in his wardrobe still fit him. “How you cope with being married to such a genius is beyond me.” Hondo and Cookie were in their bedroom doing some last minute primping in order to look their best for their guest. Dinner was moments away from being ready to serve and there wasn't much left to do other than wait for Button's arrival.
“D’ya mind telling your wife of average intelligence how wearing that outfit to dinner makes you a genius?” asked Cookie.
“Because it makes me look businesslike.” Hondo telekinetically tightened his necktie and straightened his collar. “It’ll intimidate the snot out of the little guy; just you wait and see. Plus it doesn’t hurt to remind you how suave your husband can look when he cleans up. I've gotta say it really is amazing how I’ve still kept my svelte figure after having two kids.”
“Pfft!” scoffed Cookie with a smirk and a chuckle. “Like you were the one who had ‘em.”
Cookie walked over to Hondo and stood behind him, looking into the mirror along with her husband.
“Nothing like looking into a mirror to make a pony reflect on one’s life,” she said. “What a ride it’s been, eh, honey? Our little girl – bringing home a colt. Before we know it, we’ll be writing that check for the wedding caterer.”
“Well, that money we put aside for Rarity's wedding's been sitting there collecting dust,” noted Hondo. “Since she’s making such a great living in the fashion world and can spring for her own nuptuals, we-"
"'Nuptials', babe," said Cookie. "Not nup-choo-uls."
"Since she can spring for her own wed-ding, we should blow that whole nest egg on Sweetie Belle’s wed-ding.”
“I remember ours like it was yesterday. And you look just as handsome as you did back then.” Cookie placed her foreleg around the back of Hondo's neck and kissed him on the cheek.
"Ooh," said Hondo with a grin. "Got some more where that came from, honey bunch?"
"Always," said Cookie with a smile. Hondo and Cookie leaned in to kiss each other.
The doorbell rang.
“He’s herrrrrrrrrrrrrre!” shouted Sweetie Belle from downstairs.
The couple winced and then settled for a quick peck on the lips instead of the more involved kiss they were about to have.
"You go on ahead," said Hondo. "I'll be down in a sec." Cookie nodded and left the room, shutting the door behind her.
Hondo returned to his mirror.
“So..." he said to an imaginary Button Mash as he narrowed his eyes menacingly, "You’re the young colt who’s dating my daughter, eh?” Hondo cleared his throat, lightened his expression with a happy smile and spoke in an upbeat tone. “So! You’re the young colt who’s dating my daughter, eh?”
He practiced the line differently to himself to get the right balance between welcoming and imposing; scary enough to make Button uncomfortable but not so much that he risked sending the little guy running out the door.
There was that allowance deal he made with Sweetie Belle to consider, after all.
Sweetie Belle was clad in a lovely black dress that Rarity had made for her for special occasions. It was simple yet elegant - just what the doctor ordered for a semi-casual dinner with her coltfriend and her parents. Taking in a deep breath and expelling it quickly, she opened the front door to begin what would hopefully be a night that she'd remember forever.
She immediately noticed that Button wasn't wearing his beanie - which was just as Sweetie Belle had hoped. He was wearing a bowtie and shirt collar which, in Sweetie Belle's opinion, suited him perfectly. She also noticed that his normally wild mane was neatly combed -- also an improvement. Sweetie Belle surmised that Button's mother had a hoof in his appearance this evening and she made a promise to herself that when the time came to have dinner over at Button's house she'd express her thanks to his mother for the assist.
“Hi,” said Sweetie Belle as lovingly as she could.
“Wowwww..." said Button in awe. "You look so pretty."
Sweetie Belle closed her eyes and primped her mane as she held her chin up high.
“Hmph! Tell me news, not history,” she said jokingly. “And you, Mister Mash, look quite dashing in that bowtie.”
“Thanks." Button scratched at his neck with his left forehoof. "It’s kinda itchy but my mom insisted that I wear it." Turning his head, Button took an item that he was carrying on his back and presented it to Sweetie Belle. "Oh, these are for you.” It was a bouquet of flowers with wrapped blossoms.
“Awwww, you brought me chocolate-covered orchids? That’s so sweeeeet. Thank youuu.”
Cookie Crumbles craned her neck out and poked her head through the doorway. She telekinetically removed the wrapper from one of the pansy blossoms.
“Mmmmmm, don’t mind if I do,” said Cookie as she bit the blossom off of the stem she had just unwrapped.
"Heyyyy," moaned Sweetie Belle.
"Awriiiight, dark chocolate," said Cookie as she chewed. "These don't come cheap."
“Would you like one, Mother?” asked Sweetie Belle rhetorically as she frowned.
“She’s such a generous girl," said Cookie to Button as she patted Sweetie Belle on the head. "Always sharing things with her mother. You must be Button Mash. I’m Cookie Crumbles, Sweetie Belle’s mom.”
“Pleased to meet you, Mrs.Crumbles,” said Button with a pleasant grin. “Looking at you, it’s easy to see where Sweetie Belle gets her good looks.”
“Ho-ho-hooooo, a bearer of dark chocolate and a flatterer. He's dangerous, this one.”
After several tries, Hondo was confident enough in his look to approach Button. He had descended the stairs and trotted to the doorway where his wife and daughter were now standing.
"So you’re the young daughter who’s dating my colt, eh?" asked Hondo, realizing that he had botched his phrase. "Ah, dang it.”
Button’s pupils grew wide as he looked up at Hondo.
“AAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!!!!” screamed Button.
“What’d I tell you, Cookie?” asked Hondo with a smirk as he turned to look at his wife. “Intimidation.”
“HONDO FLAAAAANKS!” cried Button.
“Where?” asked Hondo playfully, looking to the left, the right and then between his forelegs.
“There!” said Button excitedly, pointing his hoof at Hondo. “You! You’re Hondo Flanks!"
“How did you know my dad's name?” asked Sweetie Belle. "I never told you what it was."
Button turned to face Sweetie Belle.
"Hondo Flanks... is your dad?" he asked. "Wow! Oh, this is awesome!"
"It is?"
"Of course it is! Hondo Flanks was the star quarterback for the Hoofington University Timberwolves! You’re the second highest scoring quarterback in Timberwolf history!”
Hondo’s jaw dropped.
“You know about my college hoofball career?” he asked.
“Only, like, everything about it!” said Button. "Sweetie Belle, why didn’t you tell me that your father was a hoofball legend?”
“I-I never knew,” she replied.
“She means she never listened," corrected Hondo. "I’ve tried telling both of my girls about my college games but they never showed any interest in athletic competition of any kind. Females, right?”
“Ha ha ha! Yeah!” replied Button. “Females.” Sweetie Belle frowned. "Can I please have your autograph, sir?"
"Heh, yeah, sure, no problem. I might have a few of my old eight-by-tens lying around somewhere... but there'll be plenty of time for that after dinner. Dinner? That's right! What are we doing standing around out here? I hope you're hungry. My wife's made some premium chow."
"Chow?" said Cookie who felt less than complimented by the word her husband used to describe her cooking.
"I'd be honored to dine with the great Hondo Flanks!" said Button.
"Come on in and have a seat," said Hondo, ushering Button inside.
"Wow," said Button as he walked through the door and looked around the house in awe. "I'm in a legend's home."
"Didja hear that, Cookie? You live in a legend's home!" Cookie was about to reply but Hondo returned his attention to Button. "So do you play?”
“You bet I do!" said Button as he took a seat at the dining room table. "The Ponyville schoolhouse isn’t big enough to have a full team of players but I play for fun with my classmates. Are you still head coach at Hoofington University?”
"Sure am," said Hondo as he took a seat next to Button.
“Button," said Sweetie Belle, "do you mind if I set my mane on fire while I eat a bucket of dead parasprites?”
“No, yeah, sure, that’s fine, go right ahead," said Button without even turning his head. "Wow. Hoof U – the alma mater of Hondo Flanks and the great Bronco Nahorski.”
“Aw, now I know you're putting me on. You, at your age, know who Bronco Nahorski was?”
Sweetie Belle had set the table earlier and she began to serve the food, starting with her mother's plate, then her father's, then Button's and finally her own - not that her coltfriend or father noticed.
“How could I not know him?" asked Button. "He’s a gridiron legend like you!”
“Pffthaw-haw-haw, well, I wouldn’t put myself in the same league as Nahorski...”
“Oh, you’re being way too modest, Mr. Flanks, sir.”
“If you’re familiar with him, you must really know your stuff! How are you at trivia?”
Button's features took on a look of confidence.
“Un.....stumpable,” he said, tapping his left forehoof on the dining room table to punctuate his declaration.
“That's a bold statement, little stallion," said Hondo as he folded his forelegs. "I hope you can back it up. Runaway Wagon’s number?”
“Fifty seven-”
“Gotcha!”
“...when he was a Manticore... but when he was traded to the Windigoes, he wore forty three.”
“Kid, color me impressed. You just weaved through my best trick question. And here I thought that kids these days only cared about today’s players. You must be a real student of the game! Who’s your favorite pro team? And for the love of Celestia, please don’t say the Ursas.”
“Pfft! The Ursas? Please! The Ursas are the biggest bunch of overrated, overpaid glory hogs in the sport! They got lucky with all three of their back-to-back championship wins and everypony knows it! I’m a Hydras fan all the way!”
“THEY’RE MY TEAM, TOO!!” squealed Hondo!
“NO WAY!”
“YES WAY!”
“Take down one head, get two more," chanted Hondo and Button in unison. "Hydras, Hydras, SCORE, SCORE, SCORE!” They shared a hearty laugh after their cheer followed by a hoofbump.
Cookie and Sweetie Belle looked at each other and they knew that they had lost their respective males to the allure of sports.
“Hey, y’know, I was in attendance at Farrier Field in Fillydelphia when the Hydras won the championship," said Hondo.
“Get... out," said Button out of shock.
Hondo rose from his seat and ran out of the dining room at full speed.
“I didn’t mean it literally'" said Button. "Uhhhh... Mr. Flanks?”
With her husband gone, Cookie finally had a moment to speak to Button.
"So, Button," she said, "Sweetie Belle tells me that-"
Hondo returned to the dining room huffing and puffing with a small picture frame that he was levitating and wearing his straw hat.
“This... is my ticket stub... that I got autographed by none other... than Long Bomb himself," said Hondo.
“AAAAAAAAAAA!!! LONG BOMB WROTE ON THIS TICKET STUB! And that's the straw hat you wore when you were on the sidelines during the Pumpkin Bowl game against the Chimeras! This is too much awesomeness! My head’s gonna explode! You, sir, are one of the luckiest stallions on earth!”
“Thanks. Hey, wouldja wanna come out to the yard with me and catch a few passes?”
“Would I? Oh, boy! I’d be honored, Mr. Flanks!”
“Please, call me Hondo. Cookie, wouldja mind keeping our food warm while me and Button throw a ball around for a while?” Hondo didn't wait for an answer before racing off to the back door with Button a half step behind him.
“Wow," said Cookie to her daughter. "I've never seen a stallion give a colt such a hard time, have you?”
“Dad may not have given him a hard time," said Sweetie Belle, "but when this night is over, I sure will.”
“And when he opened his front door - this was four in the morning, by the way - and saw me standing outside with his nineteen year old daughter draped across my back, passed out an’ reekin’ of cider and puke,” said Hondo, “he said to me ‘Hondo Flanks, may you only have daughters’. Then he took her, went inside, shut the door and I never saw hide nor hair of them ever again. They moved to Las Pegasus. I thought his curse was the lamest I'd ever heard. I was in the best shape of my life, a shoo-in for top draft pick, bursting with potential. What did I care, right? As long as I could fire a hoofball into one of my receivers with the accuracy of a Canterlot catapult, that was all that mattered to me. Well, two deteriorated rotator cuffs, a bum knee, a marriage and two daughters later, I knew that he chose his curse wisely. He hit me right where it hurt. I don’t have any boys of my own to pass my love of the game onto.”
Hondo and Button had killed over an hour of their dinnertime throwing a hoofball to each other before returning to the dining room. Cookie and Sweetie Belle had already finished their meal but sat at the table nonetheless while the boys picked at their cold food over conversation that, unsurprisingly, excluded them.
“You poor guy," said Button as he patted Hondo's left forehoof sympathetically with his right forehoof.
“Sorry to be such a disappointment, Dad,” said a sarcastic and frowning Sweetie Belle between clenched teeth.
“Ah, that’s okay, Sweetie Belle,” said Hondo. “It’s not your fault you were born a filly.”
Sweetie Belle faced her mother and gave her a look as if to ask 'can you believe this?'. Cookie closed her eyes and nodded as if to say 'I’m sorry to say that I can'. Sweetie Belle sighed, lamenting over how this had been one of the worst nights of her life.
“Hondo, this has been one of the best nights of my life," said Button. "I’ve never felt this kind of connection with a stallion before.”
“Doesn’t your dad take you to games?” asked Hondo.
“No. He’s a... please don’t laugh... he's a ballet dancer.”
“Eugh! You mean he dances around in those skin tight outfits like a swishy lulu nancy mare?”
Button sighed.
“Yeah,” he confessed.
"Ouch. I feel your pain, little stallion."
“And my mom doesn't like hoofball so she doesn’t take me to live games.”
“You poor kid,” said Hondo sympathetically.
“Anyway, this has been great and all... and I’d love to stay up all night and talk hoofball with the Hondo Flanks but I really should get going. It’s getting late and my mom’s waiting for me to get back home. If I don’t show up soon, she’ll come looking for me." Button shivered. "That’s never cool.”
“Ugh, I know that feeling. Cookie here sometimes shows up at my favorite sports tavern looking for me. It never ends. Bummer.”
“Yeah. Bummer.”
“A stallion shouldn’t have to look over his shoulder for a mare to tell him where he can be and how long he can stay out.”
“Hear, hear!”
“I’ve got an idea. Why don’t you spend the night here, Button? You can sleep in Sweetie Belle’s room!”
"Honey..." said Cookie to get Hondo's attention.
“But where am I supposed to sleep?” asked Sweetie Belle.
“Where you always do, hun," said Hondo very matter-of-factly. "Your bed's big enough for two.”
“WHAT?” shouted Cookie and Sweetie Belle simultaneously.
“You’re just kids," stated Hondo. "He’s not gonna try anything. I trust him.”
“Honey, can we have a talk in the kitchen?” asked Cookie.
“In a minute, Cookie. So whaddya say, sport?”
“Uh, Hondo, I don’t think it’s such a good idea for me to sleep in a girl’s bed. What about the couch?”
“Sorry but that’s where my husband will be sleeping tonight if he doesn’t come into the kitchen with me for that talk pronto," said Cookie.
“He’s not sleeping in my bed, Dad," said Sweetie Belle.
“Why not?” asked Hondo.
“Because it’s moving too fast!”
“Then tell your bed to slow down." Hondo winked and nudged Button's foreleg with his elbow. "Ah? Get it? Slow down?”
“AAAAH-HAHAHAHAHAHA!” Button held his sides and laughed until he shed tears. "Ah, you're a riot, Hondo."
Hondo smiled, reveling in how wonderful it was to have somepony who admired him so.
“Button, I feel like we’re practically family, you and I," he said. "Y’know... come to think of it... you would be family if you married Sweetie Belle.”
Sweetie Belle seized up and fell off her chair like a fainting goat. Cookie caught her daughter with a levitation spell and set her back on the chair.
“Married?" said Button. He cast his eyes downward and wrung his forehooves. "Uh... Gee, I dunno, Hondo. This is all so sudden. Could I have some time to think about it?”
"It sure is a good thing that you don't need anypony else to consult about that decision, huh?" asked Sweetie Belle under her breath.
“Sure, Button," said Hondo. "But keep in mind that I’m not a spring chicken anymore. When my clock runs out, the ladies in my life will probably toss out my collection of Hydra memorabilia.”
“AAAAAAAH! NO WAY!”
“I’d rather that it go to a family member who could appreciate it. Somepony like you. Whaddya say, little stallion? Wanna be the son-in-law of a legend?”
Button Mash ran over to Sweetie Belle, got to his knees and held her right forehoof.
“Sweetie Belle,” said Button, “Will you marry me? Please say yes! Please, please, pleeeeease!”
Sweetie Belle was a romantic at heart. She wanted to accept a proposal from Button more than just about anything. But not now – and definitely not for the reasons for which Button was now proposing. This was an outright debacle, devoid of romance and passion. Tears of bemusement budded in her eyes and her face was hot and rapidly turning crimson with rage. Her teeth clenched and she emitted a faint sustained growl that was steadily rising in pitch. She was angry with Button for ignoring her through dinner. She was angry with her father for mesmerizing Button like a moth entranced by a streetlamp. And she was angry that she would have to decline a proposal that Button would otherwise not have made of his own volition based on her own merit.
Button’s ears lowered as he backed away slowly from Sweetie Belle who looked rather scary to him right now.
Drawing in a deep breath, Sweetie Belle reared her head back and belted out one of her trademark skull-splitting screams from the bottom of her lungs. Anything in the house that could shake did shake as a result of the scream.
Hondo and Button held their forehooves to their ears as they huddled together and watched Sweetie Belle scream. Once the scream had come to an end, Hondo and Button looked at each other.
“Ooh, you messed up somewhere, kid,” said Hondo to Button as he poked his chest with his forehoof. “Tough break.”
“He’s not the only one,” growled Cookie.
Hondo cringed at his wife's tone of voice. He turned his head to look at her and then cringed again. It was worse than he feared. Cookie's horn was aflame with energy and the scowl she wore usually preceded being chewed out royally.
Hondo then did what any married stallion who has angered his wife to such a degree would do in his situation.
He levitated Button and carefully placed him between himself and Cookie, hiding behind the boy the best that he could.