//------------------------------// // Case #3: The Pony Prankster Posse // Story: Judge Celestia: Upon the Throne of Justice // by Aegis Shield //------------------------------// Judge Celestia: Upon the Throne of Justice Case #3: The Pony Prankster Posse Noble Cause was scrubbing himself in the barracks showers, a community place for washing and tending to ones fetlocks. There was a stallion’s side, and a mare’s side. When one was done washing and trimming for the day, you could pick up your armor, weapon, and other equipment at the distribution office. Noble Cause was a coffee-cream colored stallion with a pumpkin-colored mane, and rather smallish wings. He often blamed it on the military training. They’d bulked him up a bit in PT, but not paid as much attention to his wings—so they looked a little smaller than when he’d enlisted. Turning and looking at himself in the half-steamed mirror, he studied himself. His ‘scales of justice’ cutie mark was perfectly balanced, shining gold on his flank. Though it didn’t show under all his armor, he did take good care of it. Some cutie marks were easily defined, his not so much. Scales could mean anything. Balance—commerce—but eventually he’d passed a law building at a young age, and had wished he could help ponies find justice too. Just a week later, he’d found out who was taking everypony’s desserts out of their lunches (this was 3rd grade), and he’d brought that colt to justice! (Well, some had called him a tattle tail, but he knew it was justice so shut up.) His cutie mark had appeared after he’d broken up a fight on the playground, taking a hoof to the face instead of a filly who’d stood like a deer in headlights. The black eye had been glorious, earning him the respect of just about everypony on the playground. Turning from the shower and letting the waters stream naturally down his coat and barrel, he put a towel over his mane and sat on a bench in the locker room to preen his wings for a bit. Brushing himself dutifully and trimming his fetlocks just so, he reported to the equipment locker. “Noble Cause, Sergeant First Class, Bailiff,” he told the mare behind the counter. She nodded after she’d gotten his ID, giving him the proper pack of equipment. Putting the belt around his middle, he went to the dressing rooms to suit up. When the cream colored stallion emerged, he was pure white with blue eyes. Checking all the snaps and straps one more time, he nodded to himself and went to report for duty. =---=---=---=---= “Your Majesty this is the case of Dial Down versus the Pony Prankster Posse,” Noble Cause smiled rather broadly as he gave Princess Celestia the folder. “All parties have been sworn in, you may proceed when ready.” Celestia gave a short nod, looking at both sides. “Names and vocations, please?” she asked. “What?!” said the stallion on the left loudly. “Hang on a sec, sorry!” he leaned, pawing at his ear a little. The Princess’ quick eyes caught the flick of metal sitting nestled in his ear. His poor ear was red because of the device that had been shoved into it. “Sorry, sorry, I’m a little hard of hearing,” he coughed twice. “Again?” “Name and vocation?” Celestia asked a little more clearly. “I’m Dial Down,” the light blue stallion said, lifting his chest a little proudly. “I work at a record store in Canterlot, on the outer rim.” Celestia nodded at his words. The outer rim was the lower end of the tiered city, just inside the first defensive wall. It was a culturally eclectic place filled with hobby shops and music stores. “Nice to meetcha! Er, your majesty!” he added quickly, scratching his head awkwardly. She nodded twice, pawing through the case file a bit. She turned her head. A group of four mares and two stallions stood behind the other table, each wearing a different, silly-looking hat. “Hats off, if you please?” Six different sprays of confetti shot into the air, snowing all around the room in a glorious display of color. “H’OH!” Five of the six shouted in one voice. “THE PONY PRANKSTER POSSE!” this was clearly practiced. “—and a fifty bit fine for the six of you, to start,” Celestia said, flapping her wings a few times to get the confetti out of her feathers. The group looked dumbfounded, hiding their confetti hats behind the table. Noble Cause puffed air from his nose to get a few bits off his muzzle. “I’ll not let my court be turned into a circus, thank you,” her tone was that of an angry mother. “Now, one at a time, then.” “We’re the Pony Prankster Posse!” said the first. “We prank ponies, record the reactions to the letter, and then sell the stories to magazines and and in books!” said the second. “We have three rules though!” All six of them moved in unison to put their silly hats over their chests. “One, never destroy anything! It’s no good to wreck other pony’s stuff!” said the third. “Two! Never break and enter! Doors are locked for a reason, and simple privacy is everypony’s right!” said the fourth. “And three! Never physically hurt anypony! Pain isn’t funny!” said the fifth. The sixth pony in the group nodded mutely. Celestia cocked her head a little, and even from up on her throne she could see his jaw was wired shut. She winced a little, gesturing to the last one in line. “Er, he’s the reason we’re here, you see. The deaf guy over there laid out our friend like a buffet table!” “I’m not deaf, I’m hard of hearing!” snapped Dial Down, “There’s a difference!” “Hush now, one at a time,” Celestia corrected again. “According to your complaint,” she looked down at her papers, “You were playing a prank on Dial Down for one of your magazine stories, and he went wild and broke your friend’s jaw before anypony could react.” “Yep!” “I was defending myself! Those clowns wouldn’t stop harassing me!” Dial Down stomped a hoof. Celestia turned, frowning a bit, “Dial Down, if you speak again before I ask it shall be a third strike on you, and I shall have Noble Cause arrest you for speaking out of turn in my court.” Dial Down wilted at her words, staring angrily (though silently) at the table in front of him. Noble Cause scowled for better effect, displaying and then refolding his wings rather aggressively. “Now then, describe your prank for me, Pony Prankster Posse,” she addressed the group. “We saw he was almost deaf,” said the first. “So we thought we’d mess with him!” said the second. “He only reacted to loud sounds and sudden stuff like that!” said the third. “So we planted sound boxes on his usual path in and out of the music shop,” said the fourth. “Then we randomly set them off bit by bit, and watched to see what would happen!” said the fifth. The sixth of them nodded mutely. “And what led to your friend’s jaw being broken?” Celestia asked, already disliking the prank a bit. Picking on a disabled pony was not funny, regardless of the circumstances. “Well, he started taking out his hearing aide on the way to and from work,” said the first. “So we had to startle him in some other way!” said the second. “Loud sounds could startle the guy, but it wasn’t much reaction outside of a quick flinch.” Said the third. “It’s not like we were hurting him or anything.” “Merely harassing,” Celestia murmured into her papers. “Anyhoo, we changed it up a little, pairing sudden loud sounds with bumping into him!” said the fourth. “We got different disguises, so anytime he ran into one of us, a huge loud sound would play!” “Did anypony else react to this prank? The loud noises must’ve caused an upset,” Celestia wanted to know. “Oh, it was always in the mornings when the shops were opening, so there was no pony for him to run into on the sidewalk but us!” said the fifth. The sixth nodded mutely. Celestia studied the Pony Prankster Squad. They honestly looked like they thought they’d done no harm. She gave a little sigh. “I see. Then what led to the injury?” The first spoke, “Well we set ourselves up in a loop so that he would run into each of us once or twice while walking down this street, yah?” He made wide gestures as he explained. “But, eventually he met our friend’s eyes,” he gestured to the pony who’s jaw was wired shut, “And he couldn’t keep a straight face. He knew somethin’ was up.” “Then what happened?” Celestia asked. “Hard of hearing over there beat his ass,” said the third. The rest of the group turned to look at him, startled and wincing. “Another fifty bit fine, for swearing in my courtroom,” Celestia said, “And on national radio where foals might hear,” she added a little more delicately. (Parents across the nation murmured to themselves, nodding some) “Sorry,” murmured the group in unison, save the sixth who looked at the table and sighed. “Alright, so Dial Down had caught onto your pranking and assaulted your friend, which eventually ended up with his jaw being broken. I imagine there were some hefty doctor’s bills involved?” Celestia said, gesturing. “Yes, your highness,” said the fourth. “We had to stop our pranking schedule, redo our book deals and get all sorts of contracts backed up and moved back for months!” Noble Cause went down the dais steps, retrieving the proper paperwork. When he returned, she offered a coy smile, just enough to color his cheeks. He coughed twice as he returned to his post, choosing— choosing, that is— to leave his wings half-open in case something happened. “You are suing Dial Down, then, for your medical bills, lost wages and your friend’s pain and suffering, then?” Celestia said, looking carefully through the medical bills. “As this is high court case, the maximum I could grant you is five hundred thousand bits,” she looked up at them. “We’d be okay with that!” grinned the fifth. The sixth nod-nodded. The six of them looked elated. “I can plainly see your friend has suffered greatly from Dial Down’s beating,” Celestia said. “And as the six of you work on commission, I can’t imagine what it must be doing to your own accounts in terms of wages and living expenses.” “It’s been awful!” added the second. “However, as I am Princess and the mare of the law, I must confront both sides of the issue before I make any sort of decision,” her eyes twinkled a bit as she spoke. All six ponies were salivating at the idea of a five hundred thousand bit payday. “Now then, Dial Down,” Celestia turned. “My turn?” the stallion asked a little impatiently. “Hang on!” he bop-bop-bopped himself on the head a few times, then pawed at the ground a little with a hoof to make sure he could hear. “There we go, sorry again. I can hear you better now.” “I’m glad,” the Princess smiled, eyeing the bronze-colored hearing aide that was attached to his ear. The regal chord was attached to a small mana battery that was no doubt hidden in his mane somewhere. Though the chord did waggle a little, it might have been loose. “Now then, Dial Down, describe things as they happened to you?” “Well I started noticing weird sound patterns on my way to work, sudden big spikes of noise, y’know?” he talked rather loudly, but that was only because he could barely hear himself, the poor creature. “It was like walking through a thunderstorm, just enough oomph to make you jump each time!” he gestured, then slammed the table with his hoof to accentuate. “Mhm?” Celestia asked. “These hooligans set up sound boxes to blast me with sound, over and over, at a level I could hear and more, to record me havin’ a heart attack every five seconds on the way to work!” he accused, thrusting a hoof at them. The six ponies across the way stuck their tongues out at him like foals. Celestia watched the six of them move in unison with mild amusement. “Then, when I started taking my hearing aide out on the way to work, they started running into me instead. Grabbin’ my shoulders! Jostlin’ me into the range of those stupid sound-blaster things!” he said. “I thought I was gonna go crazy cuz I didn’t know what was going on,” he paused for a second, “But then I met eyes with one of them, and he couldn’t keep a straight face.” “So you beat him into submission?” Celestia asked. “I defended myself from these harassing hooligans the best way I knew how!” he clopped his hooves together, rearing up for a moment. “And I’d do it again too! It’s wrong to pick on a disabled pony, no matter what kind’a prank team cow flop they’ve got going on!” he turned to glare at the group across the way. “How do you sleep at night, making other ponies miserable for your own amusement!?” he demanded. Celestia wondered if she should fine Dial Down fifty bits for saying ‘cow flop’, but decided not to. She’d already made her decision. “Very well, I think I’ve heard enough,” She cleared her throat a little. “I am ready to make my ruling on this case,” she watched all seven of the ponies present lean forward a little in anticipation, each wearing the same eager expression (save the sixth prank pony, who just had wide eyes). “Let’s see!” she reached next to herself for her calculator. Noble Cause’s ear flicked. Her majesty’s tone had changed. Something was up. “Five Hundred Thousand bits sounds reasonable for pain and suffering, broken contracts, lost wages and certainly putting the six of you out of work!” The six prankster ponies gaped in unbridled joy. “What?!” Dial Down shrieked. “No! You can’t do this! They harassed me halfway to insanity!” “And you certainly deserve something for your pain and suffering as well, Dial Down, as you were in fact harassed, jostled, and no doubt mentally scarred by the situation.” Celestia smiled just a bit wider. Noble Cause broke the Royal Guard code and turned his head. Something about the alicorn’s tone didn’t sit right. “Let’s call it… ohhh, why not a million bits!?” Celestia threw her head back suddenly and laughed. She laughed and laughed and laughed somemore. Noble Cause stared at her in horror. “Your Majesty?!” he asked worriedly, his brow rising at the Princess’ hysterics. All seven ponies looked at each other in horror and confusion. The audience stirred worriedly, and even the radio host seemed at a loss for words. “Ah! Ah! Ahh-hah-hah-hahhhh!” Celestia stumbled a bit off of her throne, then came to sit next to Noble Cause on her haunches. “I’ve not laughed so hard in ages, ohhh!” she wiped her eyes. Giving a cute little sneeze, she put a wing over Noble Cause for a moment. “This is probably the best prank I’ve seen in a long time!” “It is?!” said the first pony, looking elated. “Do you hear that guys?! Our ratings are gonna go up fifty percent! We got the Princess to laugh--- for--- for some reason!” the rest of the group hoof-bumped, flailing their hooves and congratulating themselves. “Ahhhhh, oh goodness,” Celestia wiped her eyes again, finally calming down, “Oh goodness me, ahem!” she cleared her throat a little, finally returning to her seat and addressing her baliff, “Noble Cause, arrest them all. All seven of them,” She chuckled behind her hoof. “Uh?!” tumbled out of Noble Cause’s mouth and he looked at the white alicorn. Then he quickly caught himself and gestured to the guards posted about the room. “Er, in the name of the united crowns of Equestria, I’m placing the… the seven of you under arrest.” He said, moving to recite the rest of their rights to them. “Before you take them away,” Celestia smiled a bit wider, “I must admit, you all almost had me. That would’ve been quite the bragging rights for your little group, pulling one over on a Princess in her own courtroom. An entirely fake courtroom case, in the seat of power of Equestria!” “What’s the meaning of this?! I can’t hear her, hang on hang on!” Dial Down was struggling with his hearing aide as two armored mares started to wrestle him into a wing-bar and cuffs. “What’s happening?!” “Oh Dial Down, please don’t make it worse on yourself,” Celestia’s magic grasped his hearing aide and rather unceremoniously yanked it from his head. He squawked a little, flailing about before he was finally cuffed properly. “This is no more a hearing aide than my baliff is a unicorn.” She turned it over in her hooves. “Hearing aides have never been made of bronze, ever in the history of their making.” She showed Noble Cause, who leaned to see. “Moreover, even if they were, they’re painted a fleshy color so they don’t attract the eye and embarrass the user. The chord that leads into your mane is wiggling freely, it’s not attached to a mana battery.” “What?!” Dial Down shouted, “Th-that's not true!” One of the guards restraining him pawed through his mane. Sure enough, “No mana battery, Princess!” she confirmed. “That and, I noticed, you only ever adjusted your hearing aide when I was looking directly at you. You laid it on a bit thick, I’m afraid,” Celestia smiled rather widely. “You’re a trained actor, no doubt, like your six comrades here,” she gestured to the herd across the way. “But you’re in no position to accurately impersonate a pony that’s nearly deaf.” She pointed with a large hoof. “That, and your ear is a striking red on the inside. Your ears aren’t used to having something shoved into them.” Dial Down stared at her, completely awed at her detective work. “What about us?!” demanded the first of the Pony Prankster Posse. “He's the fake, then! We didn’t do anything wrong!” he and his comrades were already bound in cuffs that would make it very hard to walk. “Our friend had his jaw wired shut!” “Then how did he stick his tongue out earlier when you were all fighting?” Celestia said. Everypony present wheeled around to stare. “Unless he has incredibly bad teeth…” the Princess gestured, a guard threatened, and the stallion in question smiled nervously. Excellent dental work. “He’s not wired shut, just wearing a prosthetic to make it appear so.” she shook her head. The same guard wrenched it painfully off of his head. The stallion worked his lips, numb in the face. “That was where your prank really fell apart, I’m afraid.” She returned to her throne, coughing daintily to clear her voice a bit better. “So, let’s see then…” she shuffled her papers and vanished them, as the entire case was false. “Noble Cause, what are your thoughts on the nature of their crimes?” Noble Cause cocked his head, saluted, then cleared his throat so he could be heard. “Lying to royalty, lying under oath in a courtroom, abusing the justice system, conspiracy against the crown, falsifying medical reports, fraud, impersonating a disabled pony,” he looked at the ground, rattling down a long list of things they were guilty of. “I agree,” Celestia said when he’d trailed off. “I thereby sentence you all to ten years in jail, with possibility of parole no sooner than five years.” She stamped her hoof twice to make it so. The seven prankster ponies were led away, shouting and spilling more confetti from their hats as they went. The white alicorn smiled a little, “They almost got me, haha…” she trailed off as the double doors slammed shut behind them. The radio stallion seemed a little at a loss, shifting from side to side with his microphone, “Wuh—wh—well folks there you have it! That entire case was a sham, cooked up by the Pony Prankster Posse! We won’t be hearing about any more of their pranks for a long, long time. Join us next time, upon the throne of justice!” =-=-=-= “Princess that was amazing!” Noble Cause said when they were clear of any listening ears and on the way to the royal apartments. “I didn’t know you were so keen on details!” “It’s a thousand years of practice talking,” Celestia smiled with delight at his praise. They cantered down a long set of corridors, left then left then right and so on. Arriving at last at the correct doorway, they paused for a time, “That was probably the most interesting case I’ve had in a while,” she smiled, shaking her head. “I thought you were amazing, Princess.” Noble Cause said, tittering along like a colt for a moment. Nose up, eyes closed, wings open, almost strutting around her and her awesomeness. She eyed him with a smile. “Er, I-mean—” he caught himself, his guard frown sliding back over his face. “Er-her-her-herm! As to be expected, Princess!” he said, saluting so hard his hoof clanked into his helm. Celestia’s eyes betrayed mischief. “Would you-- like to come in for a moment?” she startled him with her words. He looked at the great double doors with a massive itch of curiosity. Go in? To the royal apartments? “Sure!” he blurted before he could stop himself, eyes wide and sparkling with anticipation. “Very well. Wipe your hooves,” Celestia smiled, leaning and opening the door with magic. A dozen different seals and hold-portal spells shifted like the gears of a cosmic clock, moving in careful unison. The white alicorn giggled when Noble Cause did a little hoof-wiping dance right in the middle of the hall. They stepped inside. Noble Cause held his breath, and barely heard the door shut behind him. His eyes darted greedily around the room. Wh… why it was so ordinary! The baliff didn’t know what he’d expected, but it was certainly not this! There were dirty dishes in the sink of a mini-kitchen, the bed-covers were ruffled into a messy nest, a poster of Mare-Do-Well hung on the wall, and it just looked so… so... dull! “Wow,” Noble Cause mumbled, taking off his helmet and unclasping the coloring spell. His white fur blushed to coffee-cream and his blue eyes shifted to dark brown. “It’s so… ordinary,” he said entirely to himself. A leaning stack of dirty romance novels was next to the door, threatening to tip, a canvas and easel sat gathering dust in the corner, and the window was half-open, letting the breeze in. The whole place sort of smelled, really. Not a bad smell, just a lived in sort of smell. A mare smell. “Being surrounded by white and gold and finery all day does get old you know,” Celestia chirped at him, startling him out of his reveree. He coughed a little, looking to one side. He shouldn’t be making fun of the princess’ private home. “I’m sure you’ll swear your silence on all you’ve seen here?” she asked, heading towards the kitchenette. He nodded quickly. “Thank you.” She peered into the fridge for a moment, and he caught a glimpse of a collection of colas, tea jugs and other such things. “I just need… ah,” she selected a plain looking black ice tea, got two plastic cups and gestured him to the little kitchenette island. “I would offer you food, but I can’t cook,” she said. “You can’t?” he asked. “I once boiled an egg for forty-five minutes and it was no more cooked than when the hen laid it,” she shook her head sadly. “Something about being this magically potent,” she gestured briefly to herself, “Makes odd things happen. You should see what happens when Luna flushes the toilet! Come, sit!” “Err…” Noble Cause felt himself walking in a daze, just staring around, until he arrived at the barstool and sat. She poured him some ice tea, then herself, then went to a waiting oaken desk. Shuffling the papers a bit, she began to write for a time. Noble Cause pulled on one of his feathers, to make sure he wasn’t dreaming. “Owch!” Nope. After she’d finished writing, Celestia curled the letter. She didn’t put a ribbon on it, nor seal it, nor send it away with magic. “Evening is coming, would you take this to my sister for me? She should be going to her own court soon.” “Oh yes, of course!” he gulped the rest of his tea, getting up to do as she asked. “Thank you,” she said, seeing him to the door. Noble Cause stepped out into the hallway, scroll in his mouth. She kissed his cheek goodbye, and then closed the door quickly. The locks and seals slid into place— and he made it exactly seven paces before he jolted to a halt and touched his cheek. “Errr…” the stallion’s face was bright red. =-=-=-= And it was no less red when he delivered the scroll. Princess Luna murmured through the lines, looked at Noble Cause, then politely dismissed him. The echoing, scandalous laughter that followed when he closed the doors of the Midnight Court behind him did NOT help. End of Case 3