He stepped forward into the corridor and gazed in awe at its magnificence. One thick hoof after another met the checkerboard marble floor, every step making just the slightest noise that could echo forever.
It was the statues that caught his attention, though. Beyond the pillars of the hall stood rows upon rows of intricately carved devil-like creatures, each with its own distinct face and pose. Looking up, he saw another set of them looking down at him. They were just statues, he knew, but he could almost swear they were alive. There was a slight thrum in the air, which he guessed was coming from a vast source of magic.
Intrigued, he went further, noting the strangeness of the air on his wings. He looked down at his hooves and found they looked different from what he remembered. His legs looked more like ill-defined tubes now, and to his shock he couldn’t quite tell where his legs ended and where his hooves began. The transition from black fur to white hooves was still there, at least. His wings still had their green sheen to them, as well as the faint sparkles his kind was born with.
He kept going, and the thrum intensified. He looked to the statues again, and noticed they weren’t all in straight lines. In fact, they looked more like they were all gazing towards the same point, and that point was where he’d entered.
The figures in the hall were arranged in a funnel, he realised. Almost like they were guarding something. And there was no door he could see. He wanted to leave now. It was a pretty hall he’d entered, to be sure, but he wasn’t about to waste any more time here than he needed to.
That thrum became very noticeable now, though. He looked up and saw the runes carved into the statues.
They were arranged like guards.
Like a trap.
He screamed when the blast hit him. Everything burned with a maddening pain, his muscles twitched all at once, and his organs were all clenched in an unmerciful fist. He fell down and closed his eyes, barely aware of his breath. He hoped he could still breathe. He could still see, somewhat. His ears rang, and his body refused to move.
He tried to cry out. He wanted to cry out. He managed to cry, that was a success.
“Did you just hear a scream?”
Someone was there. It sounded like a guy.
“Yeah, I did. They’re not supposed to scream, are they? Do White Riders scream?”
“Not that I know of. Red Riders do, sometimes.”
He heard the sound of hooves on marble. Whoever had heard him was behind him.
“Don’t look it in the eye.”
“I know, I know the protocol. Doesn’t look like any Red Rider I’ve heard of, though. Black Rider, maybe?”
“No way, they don’t make mistakes like this. Grey Rider, tops. Why is the body still here, though? Isn’t it supposed to evaporate?”
“Look, it’s still breathing.”
“What? No, that can’t be. It can’t-Oh wow, it is still breathing. What are you supposed to do with a live one?”
Another set of hooves came up from behind him. This one sounded less hurried, and more calculated. The voice the hooves were matched with was female, too. It sounded commanding and wholly unpleasant.
“Fetch some restraints, and tell the royal inquisitors to make their way here.”
He didn’t like the sound of that.
“At once, Princess Celestia.”
And that, he liked even less.
The six friends had taken the train to Canterlot to answer Celestia’s call. They had year passes for the quick train now, since the one that took a detour and stopped along every small town just took a day and a night to get anywhere. Mostly, though, they’d gotten a pass because spring had recently started, and for some strange reason the six of them could just never manage to enjoy the start of a new season without something making them head over to Canterlot.
Truth be told, Rarity was contemplating why they couldn’t just pick Ponyville up and move it to Canterlot in the first place; it would save everyone so much time and do wonders for the property value. Applejack, however, was of the opinion that Canterlot simply didn’t have the food production to sustain itself. To which Rarity would argue that Ponyville was only a few hundred years old and Canterlot had managed to get along quite well before Applejack’s family had plundered some magical fruit from a dangerous forest and fed it to an oblivious populace without ever properly testing it. She’d never say it in those exact words, of course, but she kept the argument ready, just in case.
As for Spike? He was there, too. Not that the little boy dragon didn’t enjoy being surrounded by grown females, but he did find himself sulking somewhat about being pulled away from a very important conversation with all the other young boys of Ponyville who wielded magic, the whopping two of them.
Still, coming to Canterlot was routine now, and both the six mares and the dragon put their best hooves, claws -- or whatever anatomy buffs would insist one call their limbs -- forward as they strode off the train and through the suburban areas, reaching the palace with no incident worth mentioning. That is, considering Princess Twilight didn’t find Mustang tourists taking pictures with ‘that silly costumed gal’ worth mentioning, ever. Especially given Pinkie Pie’s very helpful directions. Doubly so given Rarity’s insistence on ‘proper lighting’.
After all, when Princess Twilight and the Elements of Harmony -- and Spike -- were called to Canterlot, it meant the world was at stake. And that, in turn, meant it was Saturday, and everypony could just relax.
Once the tourists were dealt with, the gang of magical mares -- and Spike -- entered the palace. Then it was a matter of finding the right room.
“So what did Princess Celestia say the emergency was, again?” Rainbow Dash asked as she flew next to her winged but -- despite her best best efforts -- grounded friend.
“She said there’s a strange creature that appeared out of nowhere last night, and her inquisitors can’t get it to talk. So she suggested we try and use our personal skills to get some information out of it, or at least ascertain its nature.”
“Uhuh,” Applejack said as they walked through another large door into a hall where the Princess of the Sun was waiting for them, along with a grey bat pony. “If this thing came out of nowhere, then where did it land, exactly?”
“The Nightmare Funnel,” Celestia replied. “Equestria’s main defense against incursions from other worlds. It is supposed to make sure that nothing can get in, but somehow this thing managed it.”
Pinkie Pie frowned. “Wait, so everything from other worlds is blocked off from us?”
The princess lowered her head in a graceful, delicate, and most of all royal nod. “Yes.”
Pinkie didn’t quite get that bit. “But what about that mirror Sunset Shimmer went through? And back? And that Twilight went through? And back? And Spike went through?”
“And back?” Spike added.
“That was different,” the grey pony with bat wings replied. “That world is connected to ours.”
Princess Celestia smiled gently to her loyal servant. “Thank you, Echo. That will be all.”
The bat pony departed with a bow and a flutter of his wings. Applejack’s Common Senses were tingling. “Then how is it things can move here from other worlds and back at all if we’re not connected?”
“Let’s not get caught up in semantics, shall we?” Celestia opened the door to the room.
It was only now Twilight and Spike realised they were in the infirmary section of the palace, more specifically the ward for hysterics. How either of them knew where this place was, was a well-kept secret known only to Celestia, Spike, and one unlucky Royal Guard whose little sister had nearly had a heart attack when he’d hidden her notebook in an attempt to force her to socialise.
The six friends -- and Spike -- went in and investigated the strange creature. It was a strange, pony-like and pony-sized thing, with black fur and green insect wings that were covered in some sort of star-shaped glitter. It almost looked like a changeling, based on the colouration and wings. Unlike the changelings they’d seen, though, this thing did not have any holes in its legs, nor did it have any form of plates or fangs. It didn’t even have a horn, which of course meant it could not cast any spells, because as a rule, wizards were always horny. Despite the lack of horn, it did wear a crown; a golden diadem-like thing with red gems set in. The crown itself was made of one large band with several thicker ones running through it, though Twilight couldn’t tell if it was a mere ornament or some sort of magic capacitor. Whatever magic it once held, it had to be gone now, since nothing was glowing and every small child knows that magic means it glows, because no wizard would ever want something as useless as an invisible projectile or a spell that can be cast unseen.
But to their horror, this thing, this abomination, had eyes that were spherical, rather than oval. To top it off, the eyes weren’t even that big: barely half of its skull had to make room for them. Truly, this thing was a crime against nature. Its legs were far thicker than any pony’s, and the black fur was offset with white markings that looked like some sort of tribal tattoo on its hips. A white wavy symbol stretched from its lower belly to the bottom of its chin, and its eyes were marked by three white arrowheads on its cheeks. Finally, it had a white diamond imprinted on the fur of its forehead. Rarity thought the pattern looked rather exotic, even daring or, if pressed, timeless. Rainbow Dash thought about asking it if she could get the same.
This thing, this abomination, with its strange and bulbous nose, thick legs and far too spherical eyes, looked nothing like a pony.
Celestia cleared her throat. “Clearly this thing is some sort of imitation of my little ponies, we know that much.”
The thing looked angrily at the gang, sizing them up and tensing against its bonds. It was tied firmly to the hospital bed by its arms and legs, as well its waist and head. The restraints were not made of leather, of course, but the same thing Applejack’s hat was made of. This material had all the properties of leather without having to explain the slaughter of animals, which was convenient for all involved, but most of all for the animals. A similar substance was used to substitute otherwise animal-based gelatin for sweets and particularly marshmallows. This was also as rarely explained as the fake leather.
Twilight looked the thing up and down again. “Well, then it didn’t go a very good job at it, Your Highness. It doesn’t look that much like a pony. Its eyes are far too small, the legs are too thick, the chest protrudes so much I don’t think it can even stand on its hind legs for long. And no horn, so it’s obviously not a creature of magic. The wings look like a changeling’s, but I’ve never heard of a changeling with star-shaped glitter on its wings. There aren’t any holes, either.”
“What of its soul?” Celestia asked. “Can you identify its anima prima?”
Twilight made her horn glow purple and ran it over the thing for a diagnostic. It didn’t like that one bit, judging from the violent wriggling. The purple pony princess put it past her. “It’s a type of equine, certainly, but no species I know of. The aura’s got bits of Equus in it, but also Eohippus. And honestly, I think I found a trace of Giraffatitan.”
Celestia arched her slender and regal eyebrow. “No Homo?”
Twilight looked behind her. “No Homo.”
As if on cue, the Equestrian Homo specialist walked in just then.
Celestia flashed the mare a warm smile. “Ah, just the pony I wanted to see. Everyone, you know Miss Heartstrings, yes?”
“Hey, Lyra,” everyone greeted, ignoring the fact that Heartstrings was Lyra’s given name. It was one of the odd things in her life, and she’d made peace with answering to the wrong name a long time ago. So much so, she'd had it changed officially, but it still felt off to think the name her mother had given her just wasn't good enough for the outside world.
“Oh, hey, everypony, and Spike. Wow, that’s a new one. Have you checked the soul yet?”
Twilight nodded. “Yup.”
“And no Homo?”
“No Homo,” Spike replied.
“Definitely not a Homo,” Twilight added.
“What’s a Homo?” Rainbow Dash asked.
Fluttershy fidgeted, trying to make the right gestures with her hooves. “Umm, well, you see, Rainbow Dash, when one peacock and another peacock like each other very much-”
“It’s an invasive species from another dimension,” Twilight replied. “Well, several dimensions, actually. It’s the species I turned into when I went through that mirror.”
Lyra, or Heartstrings, depending on the authority who signed her papers, nodded. “They’re a kind of ape with very limited magic, and they have a bad habit of trying to get into other realms. Their souls are usually very immature, and if they get their hands on any kind of real magic it always goes wrong.”
Celestia afforded herself the tiniest and more delicate of groans. “Indeed. They never have anything on their mind besides their basest desires, and if one of them manages to scrounge up a corporeal form and manifest on our realm, it’s invariably unoriginal.”
Rarity frowned. “Really? What do they look like, then?”
“Alicorns, of course. Disturbingly often red and black.”
The mares -- and Spike -- all looked to one another, exchanging knowing glances. For a moment, Celestia thought she might be called out on her enforcing the right to make sure only ponies with her seal of approval became alicorns. Copyright law was a very serious business, after all, especially where ponies were concerned.
Instead, Pinkie Pie merely stated the obvious to defuse the potentially volatile situation. “But I’ve never seen a red and black alicorn. Or any red and black pony.”
“Yes, we do manage to keep them out most of the time.” Celestia smiled mischievously and as princess-like as she could muster. “But if this creature is not a Homo, and my sages have yet to determine what it is, exactly, do you think you could shed more light on the matter, Twilight? We’ve ruled out all of the obvious options.”
Twilight shrugged and followed its eyes as she moved her head back and forth. “It looks moderately intelligent, at least. It definitely looks like it’s trying to listen to what we’re saying, but there’s no signs of comprehension. No twitching ears, no nostrils flaring, actually…” They all stared at the thing as Twilight put a cannon -- a body part other, less imperialist creatures peacefully called a ‘palm’ -- in front of the thing’s muzzle. She pulled back with a start. “Huh, that’s weird. No nostrils, but there’s still air coming through its nose. I wonder how it breathes?”
Pinkie Pie shrugged. “The same way I breathed when Trixie took my face off, maybe?”
Celestia frowned, albeit in the most delicate, elegant, and ruling fashion possible. “Who did what, Pinkie Pie?”
“Let’s move on, shall we?” Twilight turned to Fluttershy. “There’s no sure way to tell its gender or age, at least not with extradimensional creatures, and we obviously don’t have any references for it, so, Fluttershy, what’s your best guess?”
Fluttershy flew up to lean over the thing, sniffing the air just above its belly. She sat down again once she was sure. “Oh, it’s a boy, definitely a boy.”
“Could you be a bit more specific?” Heartstrings asked, taking notes.
“Umm, it’s a male, and, you know, adolescent. Judging by the smell, he’s either about to start liking girls, or he already likes one.”
Twilight nodded. “Rarity, what do you make of the crown?”
Rarity inspected it up close. “It’s no Equestrian design, certainly. It’s very intricate, but it still looks quite plain compared to the rest of him.”
“What do you mean, ‘plain’?” Twilight asked.
“Well, look at him, darling. Was there no staff, no robes?”
“Nothing but what he is wearing now, and given its origins we don’t dare remove it,” Celestia replied.
“Well then, it’s clearly not a status symbol. If it was, he’d be far better accessorised. I do wonder about those wings, though. Do you suppose he was born with that glitter?”
The thing on the bed wriggled and growled again, clearly not liking the inspection from the mares. Spike didn’t blame him.
“Um, maybe we should leave him alone now,” Pinkie suggested. “I think he’s getting a little upset.”
“Just one more thing. Applejack, Rainbow Dash, what do you make of his muscles? Think he can break loose?”
Applejack frowned. “I don’t think so, Twi, not without magic. He looks pretty bottom-heavy to me. Might be from a swampy place; pony folk there tend to grow their hooves nice and wide.”
Rainbow Dash nodded. “Yeah, he doesn’t look very strong to me, just weird bones. And you can’t really tell how fast he can fly from the size of his wings.”
With that, Twilight escorted the mares -- and Spike -- back outside.
Celestia sighed. “So there is no means of tracing this creature’s whereabouts, Heartstrings?”
The green mare whose name no one could get right shook her head. “‘Fraid not. The only way to make sure is to invade his mind, and that could be boobytrapped. Even his crown might blow up if we try any magic around him.”
“Very well then, Twilight, if you would be so kind as to fetch the Elements of Harmony, we can banish this thing back to where it came from.”
Applejack flinched. “Beggin’ your pardon, Your Majesty, but isn’t that a bit drastic?”
Celestia rolled her eyes, gracefully, like a five-star chef rolling dough for buns. She felt she could do with some hot buns right about now. Good thing Luna was still asleep, or there wouldn’t be a croissant left in the palace again. She stopped her pastry-based daydream and returned her attention to the world-threatening matter of an average Saturday morning. “Yes, it is drastic, and I’d rather not have to resort to that, but it is the only way. Our world has a very delicate magical balance, and we cannot afford to let it be polluted.”
“What Princess Celestia means is, our world is fairly young compared to the rest of the universe. It’s constantly changing, even basic rules aren’t fixed yet, and if any outside influences come in it could have dire consequences. Basically, if that thing back there has friends, we can’t let them through the Nightmare Funnel. Our world can’t take that,” Twilight explained.
Rarity joined Applejack in frowning, though she was loath to do so with her propensity for wrinkling. “But surely there must be some more civilised way to go about it? Fluttershy said it herself, he’s only a little boy. Can we not communicate with him somehow?”
Celestia sighed. “My inquisitors already tried gathering information from him, to no avail.”
Twilight shuddered. She knew Celestia’s inquisitors all too well: bat-winged ponies who delighted in crushing young spirits and forcing out the most humiliating responses from the weakest of minds. And if the minds were not weak, the inquisitors would make them so. They were masters of making ponies question everything about themselves, to the point where even the most confident of ponies would find themselves reduced to a babbling, crying, little child. Of course, they weren’t completely horrible, as Twilight knew all too well.
Occasionally the inquisitors took a break from their day job of proofreading and editing Daring Do fanfics and tried to wrest information from prisoners. They found that a much-needed reprieve from having to act so cruel all the time.
Yet, if they had failed and magic was not an option, Twilight knew there was simply no way to get any information out of this strange creature. “Okay, I guess we’ll just go and get the Elements, then. If we can’t find out what he is or where he came from-”
“His name is Will and he’s from a place called Funtasia,” Pinkie Pie interjected.
Everyone turned towards the pink mare. Applejack furrowed her brow. “And how would you know?”
Pinkie Pie smiled and shrugged. “I asked.”
Celestia would have been flabbergasted, but she restrained herself in front of the peasantry. “My inquisitors tried every technique they know. If he wasn’t from another world, we’d have used a spell to get anything out of him. How did you get him to talk, where my inquisitors failed?”
“I asked nicely.”
With renewed hope and energy, the gang entered the room again. Pinkie Pie walked to the far side of the bed and smiled at the colt. “See, this is just a big misunderstanding. Right, Will?”
The thing on the bed grumbled and glared at the two alicorns in the room.
“Oh, right, duh!” Pinkie slapped herself. “Will, this Fluttershy, Rainbow Dash, Applejack, Rarity, Spike, Lyra Heartstrings, Twilight Sparkle-” She took a moment to catch her breath.
“And I am Celestia.” Celestia nodded her head towards the intruder. Will did not seem impressed. Celestia did not respond to his lack of caring. “Why would you not speak to me or my guards?”
Will frowned. “Um, where I come from, we have this thing called ‘stranger danger’. We usually tell little children not to talk to grown-ups who tie them up.” He tried to lift an arm to illustrate, but found himself held fast by the restraints. His voice sounded like that of a teenage boy, late teens, at least. He didn’t quite have the low voice of an adult stallion, but it was close.
Twilight rolled her eyes. “Okay, let’s start from the top, then, Will. You said you’re from a place called ‘Fantasia’?”
Will glared at the purple pony princess. Pinkie piped up in his stead. “No, he said it was called ‘Fun-tasia’.”
Twilight groaned. “Pinkie, he’s obviously trying to deceive you. There’s no way any realm would call itself ‘Fun-tasia’; it’s far too silly a name.”
“No, it’s not,” Will protested,”it’s a fine name, and it really is where I come from.”
“Really?” Rainbow Dash chuckled. “The ponies in charge of your place got together and decided to call it ‘Fun-tasia’? That doesn’t sound like a normal name to me.”
“Okay, where am I now, then?”
Pinkie Pie extended a hoof in greeting. “You are in the wonderful city of Canterlot, capital of the magical land of Equestria.”
Will pouted as he wrapped his head around that. “So this city is called Canter-lot? And you think Fun-tasia is a silly name?”
Celestia looked away and prayed the intruder would not bring up-
“-And whose idea was it to name the city after a diarrhea epidemic?”
Twilight, Spike, Lyra, and Celestia had a blush on their faces from that one. Most historians did when they explained that the capital of one of the most powerful nations in the world was actually named after its first major epidemic, following a sad tradition from when settlements didn’t usually last past the second generation. Truthfully, at the time, it was either that or name it after the swamp it got its food from, and no self-respecting nation in the history of the universe has ever named its capital after a swamp.
“Never mind that. I’m sure a lot of cities have far stranger names where you’re from,” Twilight argued.
“They do, but at least the country’s got a better name.”
“Still a better name than Fun-tasia,” Twilight remarked, somewhat snidely.
“Uhuh. So everyone’s a horse here, then?”
Spike flinched. “Of course not. We’ve got dragons, goats, cows, chickens, you name it.”
Will snickered. “Okay, you’re right: ‘Equestria’ is a better name than ‘Funtasia’, if you’re a horse.”
“How’s that?” Rainbow Dash asked.
“Well, if you think about it: when someone’s feeling down in Funtasia, at least the name’s kind of comforting, right? If you’re in a place called Funtasia, there must be something fun to do somewhere, you just have to find it. But suppose you’re cow in Equestria and you’re feeling down? Tough luck: you’re in Equestria, where you only matter if you’re a horse. No wonder the Homos all try the same shape.”
Twilight shook her head. “Okay, let’s not get sidetracked here. We can debate nationality and dignity later. What species are you?”
Will smiled sheepishly. “Oh, I’m a Filly.”
Everyone looked the boy over, especially towards his lower regions. Twilight frowned. “Really? I thought you were a boy.”
“I am a boy.”
“Then you can’t possibly be a filly.”
“Yes, I am. I’m a Faerie Filly from Funtasia. And if I wasn’t tied down, I’d be a fleeing, flying Filly from Funtasia.”
“But you look like a colt, and you sound like a colt. So why would you call yourself a filly? Do you have gender confusion issues, Will? Does your boy name make you uncomfortable?” Twilight suddenly regretted not packing her psychology books.
“You are one strange little horse.” Will’s eyes narrowed, clearly this conversation was going too fast for his simple mind.
“I am not a hor-”
“-Oh, I think I get it!” Pinkie Pie exclaimed. “See, you think Will’s a filly filly, but what he’s really saying is he’s a Filly Filly. So he is a Filly, but he’s not a filly filly.”
Willow nodded. “Right, sorry about that, now I see the problem. Yeah, it’s exactly like Pinkie Pie says: I’m a Filly Filly, but I’m not a Filly Filly filly. Thanks, Pinkie, you’re smart. That could have taken forever to explain.”
Twilight felt a twitch go through her left eyelids. Her second worst nightmare, the first being more of a long string of memories than a nightmare, was coming true before her very eyes: there was a pony in the room to whom Pinkie made perfect sense. She tried not to let her chagrin show, to her credit. “Okay, I’m sure this would make a lot more sense if you wrote it down. So you are a ‘Filly’, and you come from a place called ‘Fun-tasia’, correct?”
Will nodded, still not smiling at anypony but Pinkie Pie. “Correct.”
“That’s a silly name.”
Will glared at Twilight again. “Remind me again where I am?”
“You are in Canterlot, the capital of Equestria,” Pinkie Pie said.
“Uhuh. So even if this place has a lot of creatures that aren’t horses, you’re all horses, right?”
Twilight stomped a hoof on the ground in an as princess-like fashion as she could, which was very much like a librarian-ish stomp, but ponies actually cared when she did it now. “We are not horses; we are ponies.”
Willow’s face became a mask of confusion then. “All of you?”
Twilight looked around. “Yes, all of us, except Spike. And he’s a dragon.”
“Okay, I can see that, but what about the horse?”
Twilight’s frown had gotten settled in by now, and Rarity made a mental note to give the girl some anti-wrinkle cream for whichever celebration came earliest. “What horse?”
Will nodded towards Celestia. “The big white horse standing behind you, with the horn and wings.”
Astronomers would be debating for centuries whether the sunspot that day was due to Celestia’s frustration or not. Fortunately, Twilight spoke up before Celestia did something to give future generations of volcanologists some equally interesting debate material. “Princess Celestia is not a horse!”
“Indeed, Twilight. I am a pony, young Will, just like every other pony in this room.” Celestia kept up her calm demeanour as best she could, though her mind was drifting to older, better days.
Will flashed them a coy grin. “But you look like a horse, and you sound like a horse. So why would you call yourself a pony? Do you have species identity issues? Do you not like your horse name?”
Twilight started fuming. Celestia tried to think of a rebuttal, but found none that did not involve judicious application of fire, combined with a quick relapse into habits -- or rather, hobbies -- she’d not indulged in since Equestria’s Dark Ages, or, as she referred to them, ‘The Good Old Days’. She always did have a bad habit of forgetting to get her oubliettes cleaned.
Will laid back and enjoyed the stunned silence. “Did I just win that? I feel like I won that. I’m gonna say I won that.”
Applejack leaned in and nudged the boy on one of the white spots on his thighs. “Listen, partner, you might wanna mind your manners here. You’re not makin’ this any easier for yourself.”
Will sighed. “Okay, okay, that was out of line. I’m sorry, Your Highness, I didn’t mean to offend your friends.”
Celestia smiled again. There was hope for this boy yet. “Apology accepted, Will.”
“Wait, what? You’re the princess? That’s not just your name? I thought Pinkie Pie and… Apple-jack, was it? I thought they were real princesses.”
Rainbow Dash and Rarity had always been strange in their friendship. Despite the mutual respect, there was just so little they could ever truly agree on. This, however, both could agree was priceless, and they both had to turn away to stop from bursting into raucous laughter.
Applejack chuckled nervously. “You thought I was a princess? Why?”
“Where I’m from, royalty looks like, well, you: no horn, no wings. That’s Princess Fillies. I’ve got faerie wings, that makes me a Faerie Filly, the ones who have a horn are Unicorn Fillies, and the ones with capes are Witchy Fillies. I just figured you’d have sort of the same system here.”
Rarity’s ears perked. “Only witches accessorise, darling? That must get dreary.”
“I mean magical capes, like a unicorn horn, only different. We do dress up sometimes, obviously. I’m not sure what wings like yours would be, though. I haven’t seen that on a Filly yet.” He nodded towards Fluttershy and Rainbow Dash. “I guess there might be Angel Fillies I don’t know about.”
Applejack chuckled and shook her head once she felt the burning gaze of two princesses on her. “Err, okay, just so we’re clear: Princess Celestia is a princess. I thought the crown kind of made it obvious. And Twilight became a princess just a little while ago.”
Will suddenly smiled brightly at Twilight. “Oh, you got married into royalty? Congratulations!”
Twilight shook her head. “That’s not exactly what happened.”
“Oh, you found your long-lost parents and they turned out to be royal? Congratulations!”
Twilight clenched her teeth together. “That’s, um, not really how it happened, either.”
“Oh, you were adopted into royalty, then? Congratulations!”
Twilight sighed. “Let’s not get into the specifics of that, shall we? I don’t insist on my title, but Princess Celestia rules this land, so you’d better show some respect. She wears the crown around here.”
“Err, no offense, but where I come from, ‘Princess’ just means you belong to a certain race, and you get respect for things besides the title. And every Filly wears a crown, it’s not that special.”
Pinkie Pie leaned in to whisper to Will, sensing the anger building from the princesses. “Eheh, maybe you should still try and be polite, Will. You’re kinda offending my friends.”
Will turned to face her, still wriggling against his restraints. “Oh really? Well, I’ll have you know I attend the Royal Magic Academy of Funtasia. Some of my classmates are princes and princesses, Princess Fillies and actual heirs to kings and queens, and I’m being just as polite to you as I would be to them. And given the situation, I don’t think I’d need to be polite even if you were all classmates.”
“How so, darling?” Rarity asked.
“I thought I was being kidnapped! First I’m just minding my own business, walking down a corridor after doing my spell, and then I get zapped by these statues with who knows what kind of death ray. I’m surprised I’m still alive! You strap me to a bed and then you go interrogating me like I’m some sort of spy. Do you just assume that about any stranger?”
Rainbow Dash was about to say something, but stopped herself.
Will glared accusingly at Celestia and Twilight. “I’ve been here for hours and all you’ve done is scare me and make me think I was in trouble. I don’t know where I am, time doesn’t work like it does back home, light doesn’t work like it does back home, and I am still trying to figure out how depth works around here. And through all that, the only one who’s bothered to ask me if I was comfortable was Pinkie Pie. Not one of you bothered to check if the straps weren’t cutting off blood to my hooves, or if this pillow wasn’t starting to sag and giving me a pain in the neck, or if those death rays were still killing me. Not one of your guards, or even you, Princess Celestia, bothered to just tell me where I’d ended up.”
Silence fell between them. Celestia averted her eyes.
Will glared at the alicorns. “I could have been starving, or dying, and no one in this entire palace seemed to care about that. I don’t know how things work around here, but it looks to me like prisoners have no rights, which means I just landed in a dictatorship. Why should I trust you?”
Twilight sighed. “We are trying to figure out what you’re doing here, Will, and the sooner we can confirm you’re harmless, the sooner you can go. Wait, did you just say you cast a spell that landed you here?”
Will looked away from her. “Yes, I did. I cast a knowledge spell with a chaotic black mirror focus, and then I went to bed. I woke up in that corridor, I got blasted by a furnace that made me feel like I was being boiled alive, I passed out, I barely noticed I was being hauled somewhere, and by the time I woke up I was tied to this bed.”
Twilight needed a moment for that to settle in. “And what knowledge were you looking for, exactly?”
The Filly shrugged. “I can’t remember, that’s kind of the whole point. Don’t you know how chaos magic works?”
Twilight flashed Lyra a sheepish smile. “Could you excuse us for just a second, Will?”
The band of ponies -- and Spike -- convened back in the hallway, taking care to close the door so Will couldn’t hear Twilight slapping herself. “Great, that’s just great. It had to be chaos magic. It just had to be chaos magic. We’re lucky we didn’t end up with squids on the floor.”
Lyra nodded. “Funny how you forget that kind of thing exists, huh? Good thing Discord isn’t around.”
Celestia let off a deep sigh, the likes of which she reserved for her little sister’s ‘croissant crusades’. “Indeed. This means trouble.”
Pinkie Pie tilted her head. “Why? What’s the matter?”
Twilight pointed a hoof to the room. “That’s not the real Will in there, that’s just a dream body, a copy. He cast a spell that let him project an image of himself into our world. He’s real to us, but from his perspective he’s only dreaming. Right now there’s a Filly in bed in some other world and he’s experiencing everything that’s going on here. And to make matters worse, we can’t just dispel him. Chaos magic doesn’t work with the same rules as unicorn magic. It’s volatile and unpredictable, so there’s no way to reliably banish him, at least none that I know of.”
“The Elements of Harmony still could,” Celestia offered. “They work on the same level of reality. This is exactly the reason we keep the Elements around, even, the whole reason I had you retrieve yours from the world of Homos.”
Fluttershy winced. “But wouldn’t that hurt him? He’s only a child.”
Lyra shook her head. “We can’t even be sure of that. Right now, the real Will is in a dream, and there’s no telling how much of his memory, or even his personality, is real and how much is a figment of his imagination. If he cast a knowledge spell using chaos magic, the best thing to do is to let him get whatever knowledge he was trying to gain and let him leave on his own. That, or wake him up naturally.”
“Can’t you just keep him here until he wakes up?” Rainbow Dash offered.
Celestia sighed. “No, we cannot. Chaos magic, you see, works through the subconscious. If he is not given any mental stimulus, his imagination is going to start filling in the blanks. His subconscious will try to exert its control, and with this kind of magic that might do permanent damage. The only solution besides banishment is waking him up from the dream.”
Twilight groaned. “Except you can’t wake someone up from a chaos magic spell, not unless you make them remember what it was they wished for. And if they have the self-control to forget their own wish, which this one obviously does, you need something drastic to snap them out of it. We could do it with something his mind rejects, although scaring him’s not going to work if he managed to go through the Nightmare Funnel.”
“What if we’re nice to him?” Pinkie Pie asked.
Twilight and Celestia turned to stare.
“What? Wouldn’t that work? You said so yourself: he feels like he’s dreaming. If we just give him a good dream, make him happy to wake up, he’ll wake up. Isn’t that how it works?”
“That’s exactly how it works, actually,” Lyra said. “But where would we put him? We can’t keep him in Canterlot, not with all the wizards in training. And somepony would need to keep an eye on him.”
“I would.” Pinkie Pie raised a hoof. “I’ve never had a friend from Funtasia before. It sounds fun!”
Twilight groaned. “Pinkie, are you sure you want to do this?”
“Why wouldn’t I be?”
“He’s offensive.”
Pinkie Pie rolled her eyes. “Oh, you’re just saying that ‘coz he’s black.”
“But he’s childish, nothing about him makes sense, he’s random, and-oh, you’re probably right, let’s just get him to Ponyville. I’m sure I can come up with a more suitable banishing spell that won’t hurt him. Wouldn’t be the first time I invented a weird new spell.”
Pinkie Pie squeed and called out behind her. “Will? I hope you like pink, because you’re bunking up with me for a couple of days!”
“Great! Let’s go!” Will replied.
Everyone looked at the prisoner, who was now loose and standing right beside the pink mare.
“Why are you not tied down?” Twilight asked.
“Toilet break.”
“And how did you get loose?” Celestia asked.
Will shrugged. With his bonds cut loose, the glitter on his wings truly stood out. “I used magic.”
Celestia stared, without emotion, as was the fashion for royalty. “But those bonds were enchanted. They were made to resist magic.”
“I’m a Faerie Filly; I’m irresistable.”
“You have magic without a horn?” the hornless Ponyville Weather Patrol Captain, who routinely moved clouds with her bare hooves, asked.
“You can only do magic if you have a horn? Wow, that sounds boring.”
“Let’s just get you to Ponyville, shall we?” Twilight shoved the boy forward to the nearest exit.
Pinkie Pie hopped alongside him, and as he mimicked her hops, Twilight stumbled.
She saw the pair of hopping ponies, or rather one pony and one Filly.
Pinkie Pie would have to take care of this one. Only she could weather the insanity of this strange creature.
Equestria was doomed.
Again.