Mad as a Hatter

by squitxl


From the Ground to the Hat

(Canterlot)

A certain taxi went to and fro, around the corners of Canterlot's streets. Its speed made patrolling guards gawk and try to give chase, only to round a corner and find it had disappeared. If there were laws about cart speeds this one would have broken them all by now. The taxi started to slow as it went into a different part of the city. While most places in Canterlot had ponies brimming the sidewalk this particular place had little to none. This part of the city was commonly called "Old Canterlot." It was the type of place where you wouldn't ever bring your kids, nor would you ever want to walk around here alone at night. As Canterlot had grown over the years each generation of architecture would expand outward leaving the already built parts to fix their problems and upgrade. The only problem is that pockets of the older buildings wouldn't change and would fall behind in the dust. This certain part was the worst of the worst. The buildings that weren't already in disrepair looked like they hadn't been refurbished in decades.
As the taxi cart passed by eyes from the alleyways would look at it for a few seconds then disappear from sight. The Hatter looked around at this run down piece of Canterlot with a wide grin. He would look down each alley the cart passed and call out "changeling!" or "mugger!" until the cart slowed to a halt. Hatter looked up at the half broken sign that read "Lost Fable." He closed his eyes and inhaled deeply. "Still smells the same as always. Like alcohol and puke." The silver unicorn stepped out of the cart and walked to the door. He turned around to the ones who were pulling the cart. "You guys go back and get your next orders." The two hesitated for a few seconds and looked between each other. Then nodded to the him and sped off at a ludicrous speed. The Hatter watched them turn the corner and finally went inside the shop.
"Were closed!" a mare yelled out from behind a counter. It wasn't quite a shop as more a makeshift bar. Cheap bar stools lined up near a hastily made counter. On the right and left walls were what looked like notes and wanted posters. The mare finally finished with whatever she was doing and raised her head above the counter only to have a sharp blade held in a red magic. She had a blood red coat with a light pink mane. With a permanent scowl on her face her jade eyes narrowed at the silver intruder. The Hatter walked up to the counter and gave her a wink. She went in with the blade to give him a warning cut only to hear his voice.
"How's my little Peachy doing?" Her face went from anger to outright surprise as her magic completely shut off making the blade go flying. The blade became embedded in the entrance door. She stood in complete unmoving shock as the silver unicorn wiggled his eyebrow. This went on for longer than it should have. The Hatter's smile drooped as the awkward moment went on. He looked up down at the mare. Then he just shrugged and pulled out a big bottle of Jack Daniels out of his hat. He unscrewed the top and drank straight from the bottle. The mare came back to reality after he had drank half of it. She looked over the unicorn from top to bottom recording every detail.
"Fuck my life" she muttered to herself as her hoof hit her face. The Hatter turned to face the mare with a drunk smile. "To what do I owe the honor would you suppose?"
"You're not happy to see me?" he pouted.
"Oh, I'm so happy to see you master. It feels like my birthday and hearths warming came early." She replied sarcastically. "So, I'll ask again why the hell are you here and why do you look like that?"
"Well I lost Cain somewhere along the way and need to go see Kar. To answer why I look like this you can thank my changeling magic disguise." Hatter's hoof lifted up to his forehead, just below his hat, and pulled off an invisible card. When he did his body went back to his normal bipedal form. He propped his hat up slightly and the card was sucked into it like a vacuum. "Anyways, is your tunnel working Peach?"
The mare let out an audible sigh and shook her head. "Yes, of course it's working, it's just in the basement." She pointed to the door behind the counter. "Just hurry up and get out of here, I have to open up soon."
Hatter jumped over the uneven counter only to fail the landing and fall to the floor. He shot up from the floor and brushed off his suit. "I'm fine." The mare only rolled her eyes at his antics.


Peach Bounty was a construct made about four decades ago by the request of Cain. He had asked for more units be stationed in Canterlot in preparation for the lunar princess' return. Peach was one of many units that were made or moved. When Peach came into being she asked if she could work at a fruit shop. That alone being the reason her given name was Peach. She rolled the dice of fate and it gave her nothing but snake eyes. In any case upon her arrival she wasn't met with a fruit shop, nor a shop at all, just a worn down building with a dead shop keeper inside. Peach did the one thing that felt natural to her in the situation. She freaked out from here to the moon.
"This is where you'll be stationed." Cain spoke to the mare as if nothing was amiss. Peach on the other hand lay in the fetal position in the corner of the room. Cain turned to Peach speaking calm and clear. "The owner started to catch onto his abnormal customers hangout spot. The master order us not to harm him unless he went to far, and you can see how that turned out. Started saying that we were scaring away normal ponies, and that unless we told him information about ourselves to prove we weren't criminals he wouldn't service us." Cain only shook his head at the memory. "The master told me to tell him the short version about us and what we are. If nothing more than to see his reaction." Cain's eye narrowed forward staring off at the imaginary scene. "The old stallion didn't take it very well, just had a heart attack right then and there."
Peach could barely keep calm on here the story, but when it reached its end she was surprised. "You didn't kill him?"
Cain turned to her with a raised brow. "Master prides himself on not having any of us kill. He becomes extremely disappointed in any of us when we go straight to murder." Peach could only watch dumbfounded at hearing this. Cain had a similar reaction finding the young construct thought killing would be a norm for him. "I don't know what you've heard from the others but we try to find any other way to accomplish our orders then to end someone's life." This gave Peach a new light in her life. Cain having finished his speech went over the stallion's body. "I've already collected his soul, so I'll be cleaning up his body." Peach's ears perked up on hearing this.
"What do you mean his soul?" She didn't know much about what she was nor how she came into being. She only got information about how to be scout and general customs at the point in time. Listen to conversations from afar, try not to get noticed, keep a cover identity. Knowing how to create more of us was a engineers job, or at least Peach believed that.
Cain parted his yarn-like chest to reveal a pocket. He reached in and pulled out a card. The card had a five in the top left corner and the image in the center was a blue vortex. He faced the card at the corpse and after a few seconds it activated. Out of the card came a liquid that looked like it was alive. It was the same coloring as the card's image. It extended further until it touched the body. Peach watched in awe as the magic covered the body to the point where it wasn't visible anymore. Then, slowly, the dark fluid returned into the card not even leaving a trace of the death. Cain put the card back into the hole in his chest and continued on. "I'll give his body a proper burial. For now the ownership of this place will be transferred to you. Just give me your name."
Peach could only feel like she was left out of the loop about everything. She did feel a connection to the being in front of her, but at the same time it felt like she was seeing this whole new side of the world. She shook her head and centered her mind. "The name I was given is Peach and you didn't answer my question." She angrily stared at Cain.
Cain only rolled his one eye at her. "You'll find out soon enough seeing as the master has been listening in." Those words visibly spooked the mare near him. She looked around as if trying to find where the master might be listening from. "He listens through you when he wants to, and I'll need a second name." Hearing this made the mare uncomfortable, but she pushed through.
"I don't have a second name. What's wrong with just Peach?" She looked slightly worried.
Cain only shrugged to at her. "It's too general of a name, there's a possibility it might become a problem down the road.
"How about Bounty? Peach Bounty." A voice that came from nowhere made itself known. The mare in question shot up into the air and nearly hit her head on the ceiling and landed back with a loud stomp. She quickly spun her head around trying to find the invisible interloper in a sporadic fashion.
"Peach Bounty it is then." Cain continued on ignoring the mares paranoid mannerisms.
"Who was that! Where did it come from! How are you so calm about this!" Peach yelled at Cain with fear covering her face.
"I am the Mad Hatter, because I'm mad as a hatter." The voice spoke with audible satisfaction and continued. "I have to say that, it's in the contract."
Cain let out a sigh. "That is the master and he speaks directly to your mind. In any case I must get this all filed." He spoke quickly and bolted out the door. Peach could only just hear him mutter "not my problem anymore."
The rigid silence set in the broken down bar after his departure. Leaving the mare alone attempting to stay calm. She looked around as if expecting the invisible entity to show up. "So..." she spoke up breaking the rooms silence "you hear what I'm saying?"
"That is correct," the Hatter answered. "This can also be used by the lead engineer to contact you." It seemed to unnerve the mare knowing that someone could just look in on her brain when they wanted. While she had been programmed to always trust the Mad Hatter, she still didn't feel right about the whole thing. "You seem to have questions so just ask them."
She collected the courage to speak to the 'master' in her head. "He said something about collecting souls?" She peered up at the ceiling as she spoke like she was speaking to a deity in the sky.
"Yes, most scouts and knights go around collecting the souls of the living." Hearing this sent a cold shiver down her back, Hatter picked up on this. "You're not in a family of necromancers. The souls come from voluntary donors." She wore a skeptical look on her face as she listened to her telepathic master.
"I don't think a pony would say 'yes' when a strange reaper of souls asks if they want to die." She retorted half sarcastically.
"The ponies we ask are on the verge of death as it is..." The conversation took a dark turn. "We ask ponies that wandered into the forest only to be attacked by a chimera, or hospitalized patients that can't be cured of their sickness. That being said, it's not uncommon to be told that they don't want a second life."
Peach sympathized with those ponies that didn't want this new chance. Sure you would get a new body and already have a job. Maybe even live much longer than the normal pony. But you're giving up your soul, your morality, who you are. During the time she had to think the information over she came to a realization. "...Did I have a life before this?" That's right, if each member who worked for collected these souls were created then those souls must be used to create them, even her.
"Well your soul didn't appear out of thin air. Each construct made needs a soul to have a living mind."
"If that's true why don't I have any memories of my past life?" She asked not sure if she wanted to find out.
"It takes time and the desire for your past. I also hear that meditating is a good way to get them faster." The mare still didn't know if finding out her past was a great idea. "You don't have to if you don't want to, they aren't going to disappear over time."
She wanted to move past the whole morbid conversation and get to work on her new place of work. "So I have to turn this dump into a bar..."
Back then the Hatter had about four things he could do while sitting in his stone prison, thinking, plotting, scheming, and talking to the ones he called family. While most wouldn't call what he had a 'family,' it was the only thing keeping his sanity in check. That, and wearing one damn good hat.


As the Mad Hatter went for the door to the basement, there was a sound of a door opening behind him. Peach was the first one to act as she quickly pulled out a short blade from behind the counter. When the Hatter is going to be found the first priority is to kill before the alarm is raised. Her blade went with enough force and speed to slice any intruder in two. Said intruder had other plans as he yanked the first knife from the wall and deflected the incoming weapon.
The whole interaction shocked Peach Bounty as her only fighting over the years were a thief and a mugger. She shook her head and gave the one in front of her a good look. The approaching invader was a griffon with silver wingtips, had a scar over his left eye, and a sword with a blade hilt strapped to his him. She knew exactly who she was dealing with just by looking at him. The Hatter finally turned around after hearing the clash of swords.
"Oh, hey Cain when'd you get here." Hatter spoke with a happy-go-lucky smile plastered over his face.
"Master...you understand we agreed to meet up when we would leave through the front of Canterlot, right?" Peach knew what her boss looked like in disguise. Him and others would meet to speak in her bar. Something she hadn't seen however was a visibly angry Boss. He had been the calm and monotone boss that never raised his voice, but now...he was livid.
Hatter stuck his head out and turned it about forty-five degrees with a face that said 'did I say that?' He then promptly rubbed his hands of the thought and answered. "Well, all that matters is that you're here now." Cain could only sigh at his disorganized master.
"Sorry for attacking you Cain-"
"No, don't apologize, you did the correct action. If it had been an enemy and you didn't kill them, the master might have been hurt." Cain interrupted her and spoke of order. He handed her the tool and she took it in her magic. His claws reached for his forehead and pulled off an invisible card, exactly like the one his master had. This reverted him back to his slightly shorter bipedal form.
"Let's head through the tunnel." Hatter spoke in quite the excited manner as he opened the door and headed down the stairs behind it.
Cain walked to the opening and turned to Peach. "Thank you for keeping him safe..." He then went down the stairs.
Peach Bounty stood in the now empty bar questioning what just happened. She had seen something that she would guess barely anyone would see, an emotional Cain.


Hatter and Cain stood in the basement that was about two stories below the bar. They watched a metal contraption as it spun to life. The 'tunnel' was not a literal tunnel, but a machine that used magic to cast teleportation on the occupants in a circle. Inside the center of the machine was a card with a picture with a blue and orange portal, and a five in the top left corner. On the top of the machine stood a half empty container with a bright white liquid inside.
Hatter turned to his knight with a face like a kid in a candy store. "You ready to go back to the past? To play the shitty games that sucked ass?"
The knight only rolled his eye, "Were teleporting, not time traveling."
"Where were going we won't need roads." His smile encompassed his face, "but we'll always need hats." The machine quieted down to signify that it had stabilized. They both walked into the circle and stood near the center. A bright, white light surrounded them as they were warped away.