The Soldier Boosts Morale

by The_Machinist


“Listen up maggots, because i will not repeat what I am about to say. I repeat, I am not about to repeat what I am about to say… Wait a minute…” The soldier scratched his chin for a moment while the Royal Guard just stared ahead, but Sergeant Major Steel Resolve had a look of worry plastered on his face. Why had Celestia chosen this creature to boost morale for the oncoming battle against the griffons.

“DID YOU NOT HEAR ME TWINKLE TOES?!” The Soldier placed his digit on Private Twinkle Toes’s helmet and pressed down on it. “I DID NOT HEAR AN ANSWER PRIVATE TWINKLE TOES!”

“No sir!” Private Toes was indeed not listening, but she knew better than to say anything else.

“And why is that?” The human glared at her from underneath his helmet.

“No excuse sir!” She replied with a shout.

“Well then! I indeed said that I was not going to repeat myself, so i will not repeat myself! Damnit, I just repeated myself!” The soldier placed a hand up to his chin in thought. “I come from the United States of America, and your Princess saw it necessary to pull me out of the line of duty so I could train maggots like you! I could be out there killing Nazis right now, er the blu team!” He placed both hands behind his back.

“If fighting is to result in victory, then you must fight!” He paused for a moment to turn back to the platoon of armored ponies. “Sun Tzu said that.” “And i think he knows a little bit more about fighting than you do pal, because he invented it!” He once again placed a digit on the helmet of Private Twinkle Toes and lifted it up to look her straight in the eye. He lifted the finger and continued pacing around the stage.

“And then he perfected it so that no man could best him in the ring of honor!” He looked around the crowd of ponies for a moment and then pointed at a stallion in the back. “You there! Get your sorry ass up here before I make you the meat in the Heavy’s sandwich!” The stallion briskly trotted forward up and onto the stage.

“What is your rank and file dixie?” The Soldier looked down at him with a foreboding gaze of neverending torment.

“Corporal Rusty Spear sir!” The pony shouted back.

“Rusty Spear? Why did your mother name you Rusty Spear you worthless no good excuse for a horse! Why, I bet that Scout’s name is better than yours! Of course… Nobody knows Scout’s name because of reasons, but I know that Sniper’s last name is Mundy, and Mundy sounds like a nerd’s name! Are you a nerd Corporal!?”

“Sir no sir!” He replied with dignity.

“Good!” The soldier then ripped off his shirt and tossed it to the ground, exposing a muscular, but slightly middle-aged chest and stomach. This surprised all of the ponies in attendance, including Shining Armor, who was watching from a guard post chuckling his flank off. “Now fight me like a man!”

“B-but sir…” The Corporal hesitantly replied, his NCO’s had never acted like this before, they were usually cool calm and collective, but this bear of a man was insane.

“There are no buts maggot! Now tackle me to the ground!” The Soldier’s stomach growled after he said that. “But first! I’m going to go get something to eat!” The Soldier, luckily, had a two month old bread slice ration strapped to the side of his leg ever since the bread monster attacked. From time to time, he teleported the bread ration, but that was just for fun. He peeled open the ration and started munching on it. Much to the dismay of the ponies watching.


Shining Armor couldn’t believe his eyes. The human that Celestia had hired to boost morale was about to fight one of his royal guards, who was clearly shaking from the fear of the situation. Then the soldier stopped and calmed down to peel open a tin can to get a slice of bread. How insane were these humans? Was every human in his world like soldier? He couldn’t even imagine the chaos…


The Soldier had finished eating the slice of bread, he had relished every single chew that had been taken. For the bread had been more than bread, it was art. Art in food form of course. Art could not be food, otherwise the Soldier would have eaten the Mona Pizza or whatever that stupid painting was called. He stood back up on his own two feet, and completely forgot about what he was going to do.

The Soldier looked down and saw a confused, and trembling, Corporal Rusty Spear. He wondered why he was shirtless, but he did remember that he was boosting the morale of some no good army who was surely going to lose if they did not get a morale boost from the best soldier in the world! “Drop the flag!” The soldier shouted upwards to the stagehand. The stagehand pulled a rope. A giant patchwork United States flag dropped down to cover the backdrop of the stage.

The platoon of guards looked on in confusion. This was not their flag, this was the Soldier’s flag. From somewhere, nobody knows, patriotic music started playing. “You men are the sorriest bunch of soldiers that I have ever seen. Which is why you are all going to fight well tomorrow! Do me proud boys, and you will receive the most glorious hat known to man!” He displayed a Team Captain that was burning to the ponies. “The burning Team Capta- HEY! It’s just some ash!” The soldier clenched his fist and threw the ash out into the crowd.

“Oh no! One of the only burning Team Captains in the world just burned! Whatever are we going to do! It’s just a hat men! You will only get the gibus! I repeat, you will only get the gibus!” THe soldier smacked himself on the side of the head with his folding shovel. “Wait a minute. I said that I would not repeat everything….” The soldier growled in a husky manner.

He let out a guttural scream that startled all of the ponies and bashed his shovel against the side of his head three times, and then he disappeared leaving a note that was on top of the ashes of the now deceased Team Captain. “I.O.U Medic :)”