King Of Queens

by ChroniclerOfFantasies

Deleted Scene: Discord

“So uh… want to inform me why the female population has just increased by one?” Willow asked.
“It’s a loooooong story.” Cadence replied.
“Did he… or I guess SHE now, run through a little girls dreamland or something?”
“Well she certainly did a lot of running.”
Silence.
“Why is your mane in a ponytail?”
“Oh uh… you noticed?! I uh… I’m just… trying something new! Yeah! That’s it!” Cadence replied with a blush before quickly looking away.
“Yeah sure. You keep telling yourself that.”
“The only thing I don’t understand is the elephants trunk.” Cadence said.
“Which one?”
“What do you mean?”
“I mean the trunk on her face or the trunk between her-”
“Why do you pervert every conversation we have? And she’s been turned into a mare. She doesn’t have a second trunk!”
“Because I haven’t gotten any in over a thousand years, princess.”
“That can be said for a good number of ponies here in the crystal empire. You don’t see any of them talking like that all the time.”
“That’s because it ISN’T like that for a good number of ponies.”
“What are you talking about?”
“Remember how the nobles all but kicked you and your late husband out for the first week after Sombra was gone?”
“Yes and I still don’t understand why.”
“There was a reason for that.”
“And that reason would be?”
“Everypony was jumping everypony else’s bones all week.” Cadance just stared at her in shock. Willow looked over at her, snickering at the look on the princesses face. “It’s the truth. We had to huddle all the children in the castle because the entire city had basically turned into one giant org-”
“WHY?!” Cadence said with a flushed face.
“Well that’s what happens when you seal an entire city away during heat week.”
“Ooooooookay! I’ve heard enough!”
More silence.
“Those things on his leg, are they glued to him?” Cadence asked after composing herself.
“They might be.”
“How do we get them off?”
“Hell if I know.”
“Should we throw a playcolt at them?”
“Already tried that.”
“And it didn’t work?!”
“Does it look like it worked?”
“A simple no would have sufficed…” Cadance said in a huff, crossing her arms and pouting.
“Whatever Candy. Have you tried all of the emergency magic?”
“Yeah, it’s completely ineffective… and don’t call me Candy.”
“Rade calls you that all the time.”
“And he’s the only one who can.”
“Wow, getting pretty far along in the relationship are we?”
“It’s not like that and you know it!”
“Pfft, for now maybe! But it’ll happen. Just you watch. Might even get a whole little herd going this time.”
“In your dreams.”
“Hey girls,” I called. “Can I get some help here?” I stood there in the middle of the infirmary. I had been turned into a mare, my right fore hoof was broken, my mane, coat, and tail had been scorched, I had been turned into a mare, my fur was smoking, my hooves were dirty and covered in mud, I had been turned into a mare, I had cucumber slices stuck in my mane, I smelled of twenty different types of perfumes, my tail was tangled and full of taffy candy, I was covered in chocolate sauce, I HAD BEEN TURNED INTO A MARE, had grown an elephant trunk, and I had several stallions hugging my hooves and trying desperately to seduce me by whispering sweet nothings into my ear because of a want it need it spell.
Did I mention I was a mare?
“Look, can you guys just help me out. Please? Candy you’re an alicorn. There has to be SOMETHING you can do? At least get rid of the stallions! And the elephant trunk…” I begged. Running around town like this earlier had been embarrassing enough. The last thing I needed was to give these two the satisfaction of ridiculing me.
“Alright alright.” Cadence closed her eyes, lit up her horn with a light blue aura, and just like that the want it need it spell, as well as the creepy elephant trunk, was gone. The stallions looked around, realized they had been enchanted, took a good look at the pony they were hugging onto…
And continued flirting.
“I AM A STALLION!” I shouted. At that they all suddenly let go of my hooves… except for this one stallion who was a little hesitant. Luckily I gave him my best death glare and he finally relented, following the others out the door. I shivered, feeling slightly violated and craving cheesecake.
Damn these womanly urges.
“While that was hilarious, would somepony mind telling me just what’s going on?” Willow asked. “And more importantly, am I going to have to smack a pony when I find out?” Cadence and I took glanced at each other, blinked, and then looked back at Willow with sheepish smiles.
“Son of a… look. Just tell me what happened while we get you cleaned up how does that sound?” I gave a happy nod before walking into one of the castles giant public baths and told recounted our story as we worked to get the gunk out of my fur.

“Rade…” Cadence whispered.
“…”
“Rade please…”
“…”
“Ugh… fine. Senor Quackers.”
“Yes senorita?” I asked in my best mexicolt accent.
“I’m not so sure this is a good idea.”
“Neither am I!”
“Well… that’s reassuring…”
“Is it? It wasn’t supposed to be.” Cadence let out a sigh as we snuck through the MBA (magical biologic anomaly) department of the crystal empires institute of science. It was easily around midnight and both of us were dressed properly for the occasion.
Okay Cadence was dressed for the occasion. I on the other hand was wearing a fake duck bill, monocle, an incredibly fancy mustache and a top hat. Yes none of those things make sense to wear but I figure that’s the point. It’s a lot harder to take a situation seriously when a pony is dressed like that, and hopefully that would buy Cadence and I those few precious seconds to get away should we get caught.
Also I demanded to be called Senor Quackers.
You know.
For reasons.
Anywho so here we are sneaking into a scientific facility to save Cadences reputation. Me being Cadences consort has of course caused rumors to fly around. So far the damage has been minimal at best as nopony has really been able to catch the two of us doing anything other than well… being complete idiots. Which given all the other things we’ve done… isn’t really that much of a story anymore. Unfortunately for us, the reporters had managed to get a few photos of one our more private moments.
Now as I’ve said before Cadence and I are strictly very good friends. That’s it. We rely on each other a lot and as such have become quite close. When Cadence had nearly had a breakdown when being questioned by reporters yesterday I did everything in my power to help her. So far ponies have been trying to get Cadence to admit that she and I are intimate, which Cadence always denies. That day hough they started a barrage of questions asking her how she could possibly take on a consort so soon after losing her husband, or in other words they were asking her as though she and I WERE in that type of relationship, despite having any evidence to support that. Normally that wouldn’t be so bad… if it weren’t in front of a crowd of onlookers. Onlookers who could hear the reporters shouting, but not hear Cadences answers overtop the reporters.
Basically they caused the entire nation to think we were bucking.
But that’s okay because I’ve come up with an ingenious plan! All we have to do is create an even bigger story than what the news is already reporting. And where else to get the materials for such things than a big facility that’s practically devoted to stuff that boggles the mind?
“Ah, here we are. Room 202.” I carefully pushed the door open, looking around inside for any guards or late night kiss as- I mean workers. “Look around Cadence. There has to be something in here we can use to cause mass pandemonium. Preferably involving actual pandas.”
“So look for magical sugar cane?” I just shrugged as I looked around the room. Only one set of bright white lights were on in the massive research area. Papers filled with complex calculations and notes of every kind littered desks and tables throughout the room. Experiments left out for whatever reason sat on metal roll carts in different areas. I think the strangest thing I saw were the dozens of copies of a strange bipedal creature wearing an orange parka that all sat around what seemed to be a runic teleportation device.
That’s when I saw something that really caught my eye. It was an intricate brown and gold chest that really seemed to stand out against the rooms otherwise blue and silver features. I waved Cadence over and together we opened the chest. Inside were several small burlap bags. We shot each other a curious glance before I picked up one and opened it slightly by pulling the string with my teeth.
Inside was a blue glittering powder that seemed to radiate magical energy. I raised my brow to Cadence who only shrugged before looking back down at the strange substance. Tentatively I poked it with my hoof as Cadence sucked in a quick breath, only for nothing to happen. After that I sniffed it. It was a pleasant scent, not necessarily good, but not bad either. It had a very mellow feel to it. With the first two most common scientific methods out of the way, I decided to shoot for the third, tasting it. So completely ignoring Cadences gasp of horror, I removed my duck bill, held the bag overtop my mouth, and poured a good amount of the contents in before swallowing it in a single gulp.
This got the results I desired.
First off let me tell you that it tasted HORRIBLE. Imagine the worst things you’ve ever tasted, now mash them together in a disgusting bowl. Now pour in rotten cockroach guts and dribble some snake venom on top for extra kick. Yeah, that’s what it was like. WORST TASTE EVER.
And that wasn’t all. My body suddenly felt like there was lightning coursing through it, though not the bad kind of lightning… mostly. I fell to the side in a coughing fit, trying to expel the vile substance from my body. I was only vaguely registering Cadence shouting my name.
After what felt like an hour it all came to a stop. I continued lying there for a bit, letting myself catch my breath as my body let out a few last involuntary spasms. As I stood up I noticed my head felt significantly lighter so I reached up only to find all of my props were gone.
I looked over to Cadence who just stood there, props held in a magical grip as she stared at me dumfounded. I looked around trying to see what had her so shocked, only to find nothing. Figuring it must have been me I raised my brow as I asked “What? Is there something on my face?”
Cadences hoof suddenly shot to her mouth as she tried to contain a sudden fit of giggles. I just gave her a deadpan stare. “Seriously what?”
“Oh… hehe… oh it’s nothing… GLORIA!” Suddenly Cadence is literally rolling on the ground laughing. Wait… Gloria?! Without a second thought I ran throughout the room looking for a mirror. After finally finding one I let out a high pitched scream. A VERY high pitched scream.
“WHAT THE BUUUUUUUUUCK?!” I screamed. I looked at my reflection to find that I had, in fact, become a mare. My normally spiky-ish mane had become long flowing locks that swayed gently with each movement. My tail, which generally had a more solid shape, was thinner and more fluid with its motions. I couldn’t believe I was a mare! Me! A mare! With long eyelashes! And a lustrous mane! And perfectly pedicured hooves! And… and… and…
And a drop dead gorgeous figure.
I went from being shocked and terrified about my predicament, to suddenly ogling myself in the mirror. I turned from side to side, examining every, and I do mean every, part of my newfound body. I found nothing in particular that I didn’t like.
“Hey Cadence… what did you call me again?” Cadence managed to suspend her giggles just long enough for me to answer.
“G-gloria! Hahahahaha!” I couldn’t help but crack a smile.
“Gloria… yeah… I could get used to that! Gloria Glimmer! The sexiest mare in all of Equestria!“ I said, waving my hoof in front of me as though placing the headline in the air. I took another look at myself in the mirror admiring my new form until a frown crossed my face. “Wait… no not quite. Candy do you have a hair tie?” Cadence having finished her giggling walked up to me and nodded before levitating a yellow hair tie out of her pocket.
As I fiddled with the hair tie Cadence decided to strike up conversation. “You’re awfully calm about this. Makes a pony wonder if you’ve done this type of thing before!”
“If I have I wouldn’t know. Still though, I have to admit. I’m pretty damn hot, even WITH a broken horn!” I said as I continued to struggle with the hair tie. Curse you hooves, do something right for once! Honestly, how do earth ponies get ANYTHING done?
“Having trouble getting your new incredibly long hair out of your face?” She said with a giggle.
“Nope.” I replied, my tongue now sticking out of my mouth in concentration. Cadence raised her brow in curiosity. “I prefer mares that like to wear ponytails a lot, so it only makes sense for me to wear one too given my current state.”
“OH! I-I-I-is that so?! C-c-c-cool. I um… that’s really cool!”
“I’m not sure how that’s cool exactly, but whatever you say Candy. Ah!” I exclaimed as I finally managed to twist the hair tie into place. “How do I look?” I asked turning around only to find Cadence in the middle of putting her mane up as well. “Uh… Candy? What are you doing?”
Cadence suddenly stopped while putting on her hair tie and looked at me, a heavy blush on her face. “O-oh me? I’m uh… just putting my hair up so I can see better! We still have to uh… sneak back out of here after all! Yup yup! That’s totally the reason!” She said, her ear giving away a nervous twitch.
“Candy.”
“Yes?”
“You’re a horrible liar.” Cadences ears flattened at that. “But you’re right. We DO still have to sneak out of here and we’re running out of time. Come on, let’s go check that chest and find out what that stuff was.” We both walked over to the chest as Cadence let out a small sigh. I didn’t really pay that much attention to it as she had been doing that over the last few days and I just chalked it up to some mare thing. Huh… maybe now I’ll understand it.
As we rummaged through the box I managed to find a small tag with some hoof writing. “Look here Candy. It says it’s concentrated poison joke! Evidently they changed it up so that the effect only takes place when ingested. Interesting…”
“Okay that’s nice but how is that going to help us? We’ve been here for a while and we still don’t have anything that can stop the media!” I continued to stare at the box as ideas raced through my mind. Suddenly a large devilish grin began to creep across my face, and I could hear Cadence faintly whimper as she recognized the look.
“Candy.”
“Yes?”
“According to this paper, there’s several barrels of this stuff nearby. We’re going to grab a few and high tail it out of here.” Cadence gulped as I let out a cackle of maniacal laughter.

“Isn’t it beautiful Candy?” I whispered as we stood together on a balcony overlooking the city. Chaos ran rampant through the streets as ponies realized what had happened. I just sat there with a big dopey smile as confusion soon overtook the city. Cadence just buried her head in her hooves as she tried to pretend nothing was happening.
“Rade we are going to be in SOOOO much trouble!”
“Ah it’ll be fine Candy! Don’t worry! There’s no way the news won’t cover this and everypony will be laughing it off in a week. It’s only poison joke after all. It doesn’t actually do anything life threatening. It’s just inconvenient.”
“Ah, the sound of chaos in the morning! I do so love it!” Cadence and I jumped and turned around at the sound of a third voice. Floating in the air wearing a Hawaiian shirt, sunglasses and sipping on a coconut (and I do mean the actual coconut itself) was none other than the strangest mix matched creature I’d ever seen in my life.
“Discord.” Cadence deadpanned.
“Discord!” I squealed.
“The one and only!” he said with a bow that caused his head to roll onto the ground. “Now I must ask, whatever in the world is going on to cause so much chaos? And more importantly, how come you decided to do it without inviting me?!”
Cadence let out a sigh. “Nopony invited you Discord.”
“I really wanted to though.”
“Not helping Gloria.”
“Not trying to Candy.” Discord let out a chuckle.
“Well on the contrary, I HAVE been invited, by Celestia no less. In fact, I’m currently on a mission right now to figure out the source of the chaos and put a stop to it. So if you’ll excuse me I have a water system to purify!” Uh oh! We just started this and he wants to end it already?! Wait… no of course he doesn’t. He’s Discord. Maybe I can…
“Wait!” I shouted before Discord could snap his fingers and turn everything back.
“Yes?” He asked.
“You don’t REALLY want to change things back do you?” Discord looked at me with a raised brow and Cadence just glared. She knew exactly what I was going to try and she wanted no part of it, I could tell.
“Well of course I don’t. But I have a job to do! Unless you can convince Cadence here to let me do what I want it’s out of my hands!” He said, his hand… claw… talon things falling off in the process.
“Yes. And I do believe that enough has been done as is Gloria. We’ve done what we needed to do so let’s just get back to our regular lives.”
“Candy this IS our regular lives! Discord come here I know exactly what will get Candy to give the okay!” Discord looked at me for a moment before shrugging his shoulders. His head suddenly appeared next to mine with one of his disembodied hands floating beside his ear to listen better. As I spoke into his ear his mouth turned into a wicked grin and as I finished my explanation he couldn’t help but chuckle.
“Oh yes. I do believe that can be arranged!”
“What?” Cadence asked worried. “What can be arranged?” Discord and I turned towards her, wicked smiles on our faces. We started walking closer to her and she took several fearful steps back before falling on her rump. “Now now, guys- er… girl and guy! We can talk this out can’t we? Please?!”
“Do it Discord.”
“With pleasure.” And with a snap of his fingers we quickly found ourselves in the palace gardens. Only they weren’t the gardens I had come to know. They had quite the new addition. One that made Cadence scream… in absolute euphoria.
“I… I can’t believe it… BON-BONVANA DOES EXIST!” She screamed. Cadences eyes twinkled and her mouth drooled like a little filly in a candy store at the sight in front of her. Sure enough I had given Discord an idea for an offer Cadence just couldn’t refuse. Where there once was a huge section of the royal gardens, was now a massive swimming pool filled to the brim with Bon Bon candies fully fitted with a diving board, several slides, toys and more. In the center of the giant pool were four massive statues of an angelic Bon Bon (the pony not the candy) each holding a jar made of cotton candy that constantly poured new fresh bon bons into the pool like waterfalls, somehow without causing it to overflow.
“Indeed it does, Princess.” Discord, who was now dressed as Willy Wonka stated. “In fact these Bon Bons are EXTRA special in that you can eat as many as you want and never get full or fat!” If it were possible Cadences eyes would have gone even wider from that.
“That’s right Candy!” I said. “All of this is yours if you just let Discord and I play together for a few hours. Come on, whaddya say?”
I could almost see Cadences will crumble as she rushed towards the pool shouting “Do what you want!”
I quickly stood on my hind hooves and did a hoof pump as I celebrated my success. Looking over to Discord I noticed him giving off the same manic grin as myself. Extending out my hoof I looked to him and said “A trolling we will go?”
In an instant Discord had shrunk himself down to be close to my size and was now wearing a little blue dress, a brown wig with long pigtails, and was holding a basket with a tiny black dog inside. We locked our hoof and claw together at the elbows as he replied. “A trolling we will go.” And with that we skipped down the main street of town as we sang along to a merry tune.

Okay, so Discord and I may have overdone it a little with a couple of things. Flying monkeys slinging their feces from the air, frogs that only sang and danced for one pony and stopped whenever anypony else looked, changing several foals into pseudo-alicorns and watching as they’re parents tried to control them and their new powers, yeah we did some crazy stuff. Honestly though I didn’t really think we did anything bad enough to warrant us being chased through the entire city like this.
“Stop right there criminal scum!” And it ESPECIALLY didn’t warrant us being treated like that!
“That is NOT how you talk to a lady you know!” I screamed back to a crystal guard with an elephant trunk.
“You’re not a lady!” At that Dicord and I stopped abruptly and turned around to face the small group of guards and very brave civilians that had been chasing us.
“EXCUSE ME?!” I shouted, an escape plan beginning to form in my mind. “What did you just say?!”
“I said you’re not a lady!”
“And what makes you think that?! I clearly have all the parts of a mare! So how am I NOT a lady?!” the guard just deadpanned at me.
“You’re only that way because of the poison joke.”
“Says who?”
“Um… I’m sorry wha-?”
“Who told you I was this way because of poison joke?” I got right up in the guards face.
“Well sir-”
“Miss.”
“Uh… miss.” He gave a little cough before he continued. “I mean… I just sort of… assumed-”
“ASSUMED?! YOU ASSUMED IT WAS THE POISON JOKE THAT TURNED ME INTO A MARE?!” I screeched with all the force that I could manage. “I WILL HAVE YOU KNOW THAT I PUT IN A LOT OF MONEY AND PAID MY WELL EARNED BITS LIKE ANY RESPECTABLE PONY TO HAVE A PROPER TRANSMAUGITAL OPERATION PERFORMED ON ME! I AM AS MUCH A MARE AS ANY MARE YOU’VE EVER SLEPT WITH! NOT THAT YOU EVER HAVE!!!” At that moment Discord decided to add in on the act to. Walking over to me and shrinking down to my size he wrapped a claw around me and pulled me into a hug.
“Ah yes, when poor Gloria woke up in that field she had no memory of who or what she was. Even worse she had such strange feelings. Feelings she didn’t think were… right for a stallion to have.” I hung my head in mock shame and Discord pulled me closer into his chest. I could feel the tenseness in his chest as he fought with all of his might to suppress his laughter. “As she and the young princess Cadence worked together to find what he was good at, they came to some unsettling revelations. She knew nothing of hoofball or the wonder bolts. She could not tell you how to win a drinking competition or how best to buck your opponent. No she could do none of that. Oh! But ask her how to patch a dress and she was there! Ask her the best clothes to wear this summer and she could find exactly what you needed! She loved fashion magazines, loved shopping and gossiping, even talking about yes, OTHER stallions! It was hard for her to admit, but admit it she did! She was a mare trapped in the body of a stallion!” Discord whipped his head back, one of his claws resting atop his forehead in a dramatic pose. I began a few sniffles and with the assistance of his magic to make the tears, pretended to cry.
“Oh yes.” He continued. “Yes, young Gloria was so confused. Between the loss of her memories and the difficult truth of who and what she truly was her heart was stuck in a state of utter turmoil and chaos. The very same chaos that summoned… me.” Discord pushed on my head with a talon and I turned mine towards him with a soft, teary eyed smile. As I moved my head around I noticed that we had, in fact, gained quite the crowd. The guard who had originally started all of this was now sitting in a state of pure and utter shame while many others in the crowd were giving me sympathetic looks. I could even see some mares, and a few stallions, starting to water their eyes.
Discord smiled at me with mock affection. “Yes, it was that chaotic heart of hers that drew me to her in the first place. That first night I visited her we talked about everything from her predicament to the weather. As time went on we became closer and closer, the feelings we had for each other slowly growing more and more. And over time, the rampaging chaos of her heart turned to gentle order. She began to accept herself for what she truly was.”
“And so, even without her memories, she made her choice! She knew not what stopped her in the past, and it mattered little! With the princess of love and the spirit of chaos at her side, she made the choice she realized she must have been wanting to make for years, and became what she truly was!” Discord stood behind me at full height as he made a small stage rise below me that even had a full working set of fog machines and strobe lights. “A wonderful, beautiful, young mare!” I blushed, which honestly wasn’t a COMPLETE act and tried to hide it with one of my hooves.
“Oh Dissy…” I said still trying to contain my laughter.
“Yes, my fair Gloria?” he replied as he appeared next to me and held me in his arms, gazing at me with dreamy lidded eyes.
“Please, use that fantastical magic of yours and whisk us away from here! Take us somewhere we can be alone, somewhere we can forget about the world and the…” I stole a quick glance to the elephant trunk afflicted guard who had started this whole little charade of ours. “close minded rabble it homes!”
Discord smiled lovingly. Nodded his head and raised one of his claws in the air before snapping his fingers…
And leaving me all alone in the middle of a circle of very confused ponies.
I looked up into the air to find the clouds changing shape as they wrote out “Your on your own! ~Discord” The other ponies all began to look where I was looking and one by one they figured out my little ruse. Teary eyes turned to angry glares as I looked around the suddenly very tense circle.
“You… you lied?” I heard a mare ask.
“You jerk!”
“Sithas will find you this day!”
“You destroyed this city!”
“GET HIM!” And with that proclamation I took off down the street at a breakneck pace, dodging and weaving through ponies as I desperately tried to outrun a vicious mob.
“DISCOOOOOOORD!” I shouted to the skies.
“Yes my fair Gloria?” he replied popping up next to me out of nowhere and giving me a serious case of bedroom eyes.
“Traitor!” I shouted and Discord couldn’t help but laugh.
“I’m sorry but it was just too good to pass up! Though I’m sure you’re mad at me now…” Discord looked away, his eyes glazing over slightly, though if you asked me why I wouldn’t be able to tell you.
“Nah don’t worry about it!” This seemed to take him by slight surprise. “To be honest I probably would have done the same thing!”
“Wait… you’re not mad?” I stared at him with an incredulous look on my face.
“Mad? After the stunt we just pulled together?! I’d have to be mad to BE mad! Your acting was brilliant! If I hadn’t been a part of it I would have believed it myself!”
“Hahaha! Thank you! I don’t get complimented very often for my work!”
“No problem!” I replied. “What are friends for?” Discords eyes went wide at that.
“F-friends? We’re… friends?” I just laughed.
“After everything we’ve done together? You better believe it!” Discord smiled at that. Not his usual cocky smile, but a smaller, more genuine heartfelt one. It didn’t last long though before his maniacal grin returned with a vengeance. This time with an extra added gleam to it that told me my life was about to become very difficult.
“Well then friend allow me to lend you a helping hand!” With a snap, Discord vanished into thin air. I was about to call out for him, when the ground beneath my feet suddenly began to rumble. Jumping to my left I watched as all across the city something began to shoot out of holes in the ground.
The sight I came upon was… well I don’t even know. There were… worms. Giant worms shooting out of the ground. Now honestly that wasn’t the weird part. I could have dealt with normal giant worms of death. But these were giant worms of death… that wore clothes… and could talk. More importantly they were talking and acting like Griffons from fifty years ago.
It was Discord so what can you expect?
“Mine Wormler! What are your orders?!”
“Go forth mine troops!” The ‘wormler’ shouted. “Defend ze ultimate race! The goddess has bestoved upon us sentience so that ve may take over ze vorld and give to it a new order! Ve vill start by crushing ze puny ponies vho dare to stand in mine vay!”
“Discord! These worms are going to destroy the city!”
“Don’t worry Gloria. Everything is going to be alright!” Discord suddenly appeared in front of me and for just a moment as he spoke it seemed like the entire world stood still. “After all, saving the world is kind of your thing.” Before I had the chance to ask him what that meant time began again and I was thrust back into the chaos.
As one of the giant worms smashed into the ground next to me, I dove into a nearby house slamming the door behind me as I tried desperately to catch my breath. As my breathing calmed down I looked around to see what just where I was and was met by yet another strange sight.
I seemed to be in some kind of house having entered straight into the living room. And in the center of this room was a small orange pegasus filly with a purple mane and while I know that isn’t a strange sight, what was surrounding her was. On every side of this filly, were at least a hundred chickens walking around, clucking their little tongues.
Of course, all this did was give me an idea. Walking over to the small girl I knelt down until I was at eye level with her. Somehow, she didn’t seem the least bit surprised by what was going on around her.
“Hello there.” I said.
“Hello.”
“What are you doing?”
“Sitting here surrounded by chickens.”
“Why?”
“Because they keep following me everywhere.”
“You don’t seem to be very bothered by that.”
“I live in ponyville. Stuff like this happens there at least once a week. You get used to it.”
“Is that so? Tell me little filly, what’s your name?”
“Scootaloo.”
“Well Scootaloo, how would you like to help me save the crystal empire?”

The crystal empire was in absolute chaos. The worms of the third reich were destroying everything in their sight. Buildings roads, those really cool sign spinner ponies, no thing and no pony was safe from their wrath. Ponies were cowering in fear, waiting for the inevitable, when suddenly a voice rang through the air. My voice.
With an enormous crash, time seemed to slow to a crawl crowds of ponies and giant worms alike turned their attention to myself and the building falling down around me. They say many ponies did many things that day. Some cowered in fear, others eyes shined with hope, and some were inspired to do great things.
Me? They say I smiled like the complete and total idiot I am.
I stood on my hind hooves atop the head of a giant chicken. More giant chickens began to sprout up behind me, taking their place on either side of the one I stood upon. Spreading out my hooves in a ‘come at me’ gesture I shouted as loud as I possibly could. “I. AM. CHICKEN LORD!!!”
“Hey” I heard an annoying voice call. I looked up at my makeshift hat. It was none other than Scootaloo, tied to my head by a piece of white nylon rope. “You said I was going to help you save the crystal empire!”
“You ARE helping me save the crystal empire! See those worms? If we don't do something they're going to destroy the whole city! To stop them I need something that can beat worms! And that something is birds! But it's hard to control birds because they're so flighty so I have to find something to control them with!”
“But what does that have to do with me being tied to your head?!”
“The chickens, they flock to you! With you on my head they will follow and listen to me! You're like an ancient artifact that gives me control over chickens! So as you can see, you're my chicken crown! And you know what crowns DON'T do?!”
“What?”
“TALK! NOW SHUT UP! WE HAVE A WAR TO WIN!” I turned my attention back to my now complete chicken army. They looked around clearly confused about what was going on but when they saw the worms, their beaks began to water.
“Attention my avian friends!” They all turned to look at me. “As you can see, this city is under attack by an evil that knows no limits! Before you were mindless beasts, living life day in and day out without a care in the world and though it pains me to say it, you will surely have to return to that in time.” I lowered my head along side the other chickens as I placed a hoof over my heart. “BUT! Not all hope is lost! Today you have the chance to be more than you once were! To be greater than what you ever had the chance to be! Now tell me! What will you do with that potential? Will you waste it like those worms! Will you destroy everything in your path in pursuit of your own mindless ambitions as they have done?! Will you, who have become more than yourself, remain the beasts you once were?! I say NO! Today you will stand tall! Today you will use the gifts you have been given and defend the innocent! Today you will become heroes whose acts will surely go down in the history books! You may have been none but humble chickens before, but today… today, you SOAR LIKE EAGLES!” My impromptu speech was met to cheers of squawking as the chickens rose their wings up in a salute. Turning back around I pointed one of my hooves in the direction of the worms and ordered the charge.
That day would forever be known as the Battle of Crystal Chicken.

“During that battle I broke my hoof and was accidentally thrown into several candy and mares product shops. Once the battle was finished, a bunch of ponies recognized me and started chasing me through the city again. I tried to dive into a spa, but ended up being cornered by the guard with the elephant trunk. I tried to get away but just as I jumped out through a window he blasted me with a couple of spells, giving me his elephant trunk as well as putting a want it need it spell on me. Now I was being chased through the city still, but for completely different reasons. I managed to make it into the castle, somehow, where the natural magical defenses you guys have set up reduced the effects of the want it need it spell down to the bare minimum, making every pony go away until I was left with only those few stallions clinging onto me. Poor guys, they must have been really lonely.”
Willow didn’t change her face in the slightest, choosing instead to just stare ahead with a stoic look as she processed my entire story. With a sigh she looked up at me her face turned in a scowl before speaking. “I leave the empire to go on vacation for ONE day… and you nearly level the entire city with flying monkey and giant chickens. I cannot even BEGIN to express my disappointment in words.” My ears splayed backwards at her stern gaze. “So instead… I’LL USE MY HOOVES!”
And so did the day end with much screaming and hoof pounding.