“C’mon, Snapplecrack! We’re almost there!”
“It’s Applejack,” AJ grumbled at Daring Do for what seemed like the thousandth time. When the adventurer had just burst into her farm out of nowhere, it was an understatement to say she was surprised. But then Do revealed that Dash had been kidnapped, and her surprise was immediately replaced with a drive to get Dash back. Besides, she had seen weirder things than a fictional character turning out to be real; if she let those kind of things faze her, she would’ve gone crazy ages ago. They had fought off snakes and other deadly beasts, flew over deep and wide caverns, and passed a cuteness test(the last one was the most difficult, mostly because of darn embarrassing it was). Finally, they were at the large door which led to the kidnappers’ lair.
“Don’t worry, Snapcracklepop! We’ll get your friend back from my dastardly nemesis. Whatever she’s planning for Dash, it can’t be good!” She pushed open the door, ignoring AJ’s irritated correction, and she and the farmer entered the empty lab. Suddenly, the doors slammed shut behind them, and they were enveloped in total darkness. Then a single ray of light emerged, focusing on a red mare with her back turned back to them, with a brown mane and a pink highlight. Her cutie mark was a nuclear symbol, an indication of her talent at nuclear physics and her endless energy for crime.
She turned slowly to face them. “Why if it isn’t my nemesis Daring Do, and her friend Fluttersh-” she sputtered off as she noticed Fluttershy was missing. “Applejack!? But-wha- how!? How did you get past the cuteness test!?”
“I nibbled on my hat a little.”
“Of course! How could I have not foreseen this? All this was for nothing! I captured Dash in order to finally meet best pony, not most okay pony.”
The lights slowly came on together, thanks to her henchman Die A Bolical, who had pulled the lever. He was a villainous green, with a dashing goatee and intriguing spectacles. His cutie mark was, oddly enough, quill and ink, representation of his writing skills and how he uses his quill for evil, I suppose? “I was banking on Pinkie Pie, personally.”
“Pinkie would’ve been better than Applejack! She’s boring!”
“Still right here, ya know.”
“No matter, I suppose I’ll just dispose of you two and wait for Dash’s true rescuer to appear. Die A Bolical! Release,” a pause for dramatic effect, “the plant cyborgs!”
He nodded, and pulled another lever, causing plant pots with robotic claws and legs to descend from the sky.
“Really?” Applejack questioned. “Is this supposed to be intimidating?”
“That’s what I said!”
“Die A Bolical! I’ve told you, do not undermine me in front of the heroes! It makes me look bad!”
“Because you weren’t doing a good enough job of that yourself,” Daring Do snarked. “Let’s take these things out, Babblewack!”
“It’s Appleja-” A plant lunged at Applejack’s face, and she barely dodged it. It scratched her leg as it twisted during her fall. She winced.
“Well, it seems like that one just won’t leaf Applejack alone! Eh? Eh?” Professor Pop joked.
“That was awful,” Die A Bolical replied.
“Everyone’s a critic. Okay, how about ‘these plants are so scary, they’ll leave you looking green!’”
“That was even worse,” he commented, the two of them completely ignoring the fight.
“Okay then, oh holy punmaster, what do you have?”
“Um, let me think,” he scratched at his chin while Daring Do was flung into a wall. “How about ‘These ivys are deadlier than poison!’”
A beat. Then Professor Pop cracked up, her snickering and cackling echoing throughout the lab. “Really? Really?”
Die A Bolical flushed. “Hey! You’re the evil mastermind here. You’re the one who’s supposed to come up with the puns!”
“Hey!” Daring Do yelled, irritated amidst the plant cyborg wreckage. Her clothes were banged up, and her hat had several tears. “Did you see any of that? It was amazing! Deadliest fight of my life!”
“Well, I’m sorry, Mrs. Equestria, but we’re talking about more important things here. Puns are a legendary and respected art.” Professor Pop informed her. Dia A Bolical rolled his eyes at the archaeologist.
“I am going to enjoy bucking you two into next Thursday,” AJ said through gritted teeth. She and Daring Do leaped at the two heavily outmatched villains.
“I’ve got them nice and tight under my lasso.” AJ said as she finished tying them up.
“I had no idea you were into those things, Applejack,” the professor lewdly replied. The two criminals snickered.
“Really, Daring? Really? These two are your nemesises?”
“Nemesi.”
“Nemeses,” Die A Bolical corrected.
“And villains are in rare supply nowadays. We can’t all have Discords and Nightmare Moons, I’ll take what I can get! Now let’s get Dash out of here.”
“She’s in that door over there,” the villainess indicated to the left with her head.
“If you did anything to her-” Applejack threatened.
“She’ll be fine, BJ,” Daring Do assured. The two trotted over to the door, AJ’s heart pounding, fearing what prison or torture these monsters put Dash through. They opened it, only to find …
A perfectly normal waiting room, where Dash was flipping through a magazine. She looked up and gasped. “AJ? Daring? You two are here to see the Wonderbolts too?”
“I should’ve known that’s how they’d catch you,” AJ grumbled.
“You mean I’ve been tricked? C’mon! That’s just dirty. Well, all’s well that ends well. I can’t wait to see Pinkie and tell her how much I miss her-”
“Wait,” Do stopped her. She put her hoof into the back of Dash’s neck and pulled off a small black object. “Shipping chip. They do it every time!”
“Die A Bolical! I was going to use that on Fluttershy so she’d finally realise that the charming bumbling mailmare Derpy is her one true love!”
“But I needed Dash to see Pinkie was the pony for her first!”
“Your villains are weird,” Dash said.