There were several odd sights I had seen since coming to Equestria. Some of them were creepy like the changelings. Some sights were cute and adorable like the ponies. Magic was just plain cool no matter what color it got thrown around as, and while the scenery ran the whole gauntlet from everyday meh like your usual field to the somehow cool but kinda girly at the same time house of Rainbow Dash with its rainbow waterfall, I kind of liked it all.
However, none of them was like the amazon of a human that stood in front of me. Okay yeah, it was ‘just’ a human, of which I had probably seen a million of but…I had kind of thought those days were over. Except for Sunset Shimmer, but she didn’t count.
If it wasn’t for her tramp stamp and hair, I would have been completely lost. Not that I wasn’t confused as hell anyway, but I managed to avoid panicking thanks to the old fallback that Twilight always had in case of weird and freaky emergencies: ask Princess Celestia.
“Tia…what’s going on?”
The pony goddess turned sex bomb looked up from where she was examining her body, and gave me a confused expression that pressed her lips together and widened her eyes. I could actually feel her confusion in the back of my mind, as well as a bubbling fear that was slowly building.
“Is that you…Omnifarious?” she asked before she cut herself off and reached up to touch her mouth, or at least started to. I think she got distracted when her hand made it to a few inches from her face, and then she started wiggling her fingers very slowly before she found something interesting in her mouth.
It took me a second to recover from the fact I has just heard her talk in English, and I just watched Celestia play with her tongue and mouth for a minute. From the looks of things, she was running her tongue over her teeth, which I could understand. Although pony mouths were pretty human, the teeth were pure herbivore, so I could guess why Celestia would find the appearance of canines worth investigating.
She studied me for a few moments, and then noticed something about herself that was apparently more important and her attention became divided.
“Yeah, it’s me,” I replied, although I don’t think the goddess had heard me. Celestia was already back to examining the parts of herself that I could see, and to be honest, so was I.
At the moment, the impossibility of the situation was put on the back burner. It was kind of a survival trait I had developed since coming to Equestria because...Pinkie Pie. If I froze every time I saw something strange, I would have never moved. So I just went on auto-pilot and looked at the former alicorn’s perfect, powerful human body as she ran her fingers over her arms in wonderment.
Like I said before, Celestia had to top seven feet when it came to height, but she wasn’t slouched over, or lanky, or anything that’s usually associated with humans who get that tall, the woman was just bigger in proportion. Of course the rest of her body was a perfect combination of impossibly sexy voluptuous supermodel beauty mixed with a good musculature, and topped by certain proportions that would have been impossible to have if she really did exercise all day to stay in shape. Put simply, human Celestia was perfectly fit with huge tits and a nice ass.
It was a weird contrast to what her human form was supposed to look like, but...that woman was a school teacher, and this one was a goddess that had existed for millennia. A few physical differences were to be expected.
She walked around for all of three steps, and then paused. I wondered how she wasn’t tripping around since Tia had just gone from quadruped to two legs, but that apparently didn’t interest her as much as the fact she had feet. The goddess actually rubbed them on the carpet for a moment, then just sat down on the floor to look at her lower appendages as well as wiggle her toes. Then she got back up and slid her feet on the carpet again a few more times.
I guess I could get what was going through her mind. Aside from her emotions I mean. On that front I didn’t have to guess, I knew Tia was experiencing a huge mix of wonder, confusion, some hints of anger and a little bit of fear, but as we had just changed species, that was totally understandable.
As for the need to have her hands mess with everything…hooves weren’t all that sensitive when it came to things like touch. I could still feel through them, but it was pretty muted when compared to what I used to have; and don’t even get me started on a changeling’s ability to touch stuff . Considering she had always wore shoes on top of that...yeah, the full tactile sensation of human skin was probably a bit mind blowing.
Then I noticed something odd about myself. I could still sense Tia’s emotions despite the species change. If anything, it was even stronger than when I was a changeling. Where before I had just gotten a mental...smell, what I had been getting some kind of weird echo in the back of my mind of what Celestia was experiencing.
But the moment of confusion was ruined when I noticed Celestia squeezing her breasts. I almost told Tia to stop touching herself, but that little phrase didn’t make it out of my head as Celestia’s inspections turned to one of her nipples and she asked me a question without even looking up. “Why exactly do humans have their teats in such a odd place?”
I had to keep from groaning at the question, and averted my eyes before…oh who am I kidding? The five seconds that I looked at the most gorgeous woman I’d ever seen after settling for ponies for the past two months… Dear God did I want to bend her over the nearest table and… Oh hell, she was human, missionary position was actually a valid option again, and the goto option for human sex looked pretty damn appealing.
Then I remembered who I was, who she was…and a few other things like the fact I had a stable relationship with Twilight despite the fact the alicorn should have probably dumped me half a dozen times over. Sure she could forgive me for worrying her again, and lying to her about the human stuff since our relationship was kind of built on lies, but…dream cheating on the purple alicorn with her pseudo-mom was kind of pushing it as far as what I knew Twi would shrug off.
What can I say? I’ve read the X-men comic where Cyclops had been banging the blonde psychic in his dreams and then Jean found out. I think Blondie died the following issue so…yeah, not gonna be that stupid. Even if Twilight didn’t kill me, Equestrian karma would.
Of course that didn’t stop my body from screaming ‘FUCK HER NOW YOU IDIOT!’ and having all kinds of reactions like brain shortages, a tensing of muscles, shortness of breath and a...stiffening of…other things. Two months without a hot human woman and I was just about to a teenager’s level of desire for all things cotious.
It didn’t help that she was incredibly hot either.
“Y-You seriously have to ask me that?” I replied before my stupidity took over and I looked over to her again.
Tia had one of her breasts cupped in her hand and was actually jiggling the damn thing. “I asked Sunset but, she said she had no idea either,” she told me before looking up with a frown. “And why are mine so big? Sunset’s weren’t nearly this large.”
Probably because the fanart involving you drawn as a human, or with human features was usually an impossibly tall woman with wide hips and giant breasts, I thought to myself before managing to look away again.
“Am I going to start lactating?”
It was questions like that which made me just look back up at her. “W-What? What the hell kind of question is THAT?”
“My teats seem to be rather large compared to what Sunset had, and I’ve played in dreamscapes long enough with Luna as a filly to know when I’m in one,” Celestia told me before looking around a bit. “Seeing as how I’m able to move around without difficulty and there’s an odd language coming from my mouth…I’m guessing this is your dream and you want me to look like this. It’s very well done by the way, most dream realms are more...chaotic than this.”
The odd fact that she was speaking English did had filed away in my mind as kind of weird, but I still groaned again as Tia’s theory ran up what I knew about changelings. We didn’t dream. However...monarchs could create mental constructs inside the hive mind. Chrysalis and me did it all the time when we wanted a private conversation with each other. It was kind of like lucid dreaming only…private since we only saw what we wanted the other changeling to see.
But Celestia was here inside mine to such an extent that she saw it and could be affected by it.
So what the hell did that mean?
For a second I tried experimenting and imagined her wearing clothes…and nothing happened.
“You haven’t answered my question yet.”
“What?” I asked before my memory clicked and I groaned. “Seriously? Celestia! Just…why the hell? Why would you even ask me something like that? Why in the hell would I even do something like that? Just…ew! No!”
She chuckled, and I detected a faint blush on her cheeks. “Trust me, it wouldn’t be the oddest thing I’ve done when in a dream realm. When reality is malleable and there are no consequences to our actions, things can get…trippy,” she said before rubbing her chin. “Hmm, that’s an interesting word, and…quite fitting. So yes, trippy.”
I groaned and held my head in my hands again and tried not to think. It helped me from imagining the Sisters on an acid trip while in dreamland. “Please tell me you're trolling me.”
“Trolling...no,” she replied as I could practically see the human language information tell her just what I meant. “You’re the one who made me like this. I’m just trying to figure out the rules.”
“Fine, rule one is put on some clothes,” I told her weakly.
“...um, how?”
“Just…imagine yourself in them!” I exclaimed. Then I got a much better idea. “Or turn back into a horse already!” Pony Celestia I could deal with. She didn’t have perfect skin, fine legs, and boobs that were more than a handful.
A minute passed with Tia looking down at herself. Nothing happened, then she looked back up at me with a concerned expression. It was more that that though, I could feel that she was nervous, and even a little terrified for some reason. “I don’t seem to be able to…you’ll have to do it.”
The humacorn’s tensions reached a new height as I stared at her for a few seconds, trying to will her back into being a quadruped and got nothing for it. “Yeah it’s not working,” I told her before frowning at the giant woman. “And what the hell are you so freaked out about?”
Confusion, and then a bit of embarrassment ran across Tia’s mind for a moment before she looked away and crossed her arms under her breasts that kind of hiked them up a bit. However, beneath the surface, the alicorn was...afraid. My rather angry demand had only help to hype it up to a new level too.
“I’m sorry...but I do not deal with...helplessness very well,” the most powerful being in Equestria told me. “It has been quite some time since I’ve experienced something like this, and most of it was under the care of my sister.”
Even with the amazon’s emotions telling me how afraid she was, I wasn’t very sympathetic. She may have been hot, but she still looked like a human version of Celestia. In other words, gigantic, powerful, and beautiful all rolled into one impossible package. If anything, I should have been the one afraid of her seeing as how she could probably snap me in two with one hand tied behind her back!
But instead of trying to reassure her that I wasn’t going to rape her or anything, I focused on something else. “Hey Tia...tripping and trolling...you know what those mean?”
“Yes,” she told me while giving me a wary look.
Since I was getting a little tired, not to mention freaked out by Celestia of all people being afraid of me, I sighed and sat down on the L-shaped couch that took up most of my living room, then gestured for her to do the same on the other end. “Oh for crying out loud Tia, I’m not going to hurt you! This is...dammit, this is because of that stupid little piece of you in my head isn’t it?”
It wasn’t that big a leap of logic. One minute Tia had absolutely no knowledge of a human concept, and then…she was getting thoroughly culture shocked. Combined with everything else that had happened so far and what I knew about mind magic. I began to formulate a theory about what was going on.
It was obvious we were in a changeling mindscape based on my old house…although why Tia was human I didn’t quite understand at the moment. But the fact that knowledge about things like talking and purely human concepts were just popping into her head were giving me a very disturbing thought: she really was in my head.
It was really disturbing because if she was in my head, then she had access to the hive mind. If that were the case… Well, the first few times I had touched the hive mind, it had nearly driven me nuts. In the following weeks, I became a borderline sociopath in regards to anything not pony…and didn’t really give much of a shit about any of the ponies that lived outside Ponyville thanks to the fact Chrysalis had been directing the thing. It’s not like she had outright mind control of me or anything, but thousands of voices whispering into your ear all the time tends to have some effect.
On top of which, I was a changeling. Sure I had a human personality, but my brain was still wired to handle all the freaky mental magic that composed the hive mind. If Tia got thrown into the thing…well, it might make her go nuts, turn her into my little mind slave, or just completely fry her brain. I honestly didn’t know.
So I had apparently thrown up a mental construct around me and her to block out all of that crap on instinct. And of course I ended up building something that resembled the safest place a human being could have: my old home. Then I made her and myself fit the little scenario, and blocked out everything else. Everything but me anyway, although it seemed her ability to consciously access my knowledge wasn’t an option. Tia had just been given English, and info on how to move her body without falling flat on her face.
As for the area around us... I was betting it wasn’t even really night outside the house, there just wasn’t really anything out there period, because my subconscious hadn’t bothered to make it. There didn’t need to be an outside for Tia to be safe.
Although the place wasn’t without its problems. I found that out while getting up to look around while Tia went back to playing with herself in the living room. For starters, the house was pretty damn imperfect. None of the lights were on and there was literally nothing outside, but it might as well have been the middle of the day when it came to illumination. Despite there being a stairwell in the entryway that was supposed to lead to the second floor, the whole thing just stopped and met drywall halfway there. The miniature library of books that were in the living room and in my office couldn’t be opened and as well have been bricks, and the big screen television wasn’t working.
Oh, and the toilet didn’t work either, but…that was kind of par for the course with my place.
“So, now what?” Celestia asked me as I came back to sit on the couch and told her what was going on. Somehow, I had managed to forget that Tia was butt naked while I had been up looking around, and found my eyes taking her beauty in again.
Unfortunately, the lust came not long after, and I wet my lips while pictures of me between the powerful woman’s legs with the two of us joined at the crotch played in my mind. She dug her hands into my shoulders and I did the same with her ass as I drove myself into her harder and...
I beat down the mental image and sighed. “I don’t know,” I told her truthfully before slumping down on the couch. It did little to hide my body’s reaction to an object of extreme sexual desire being within easy reach. “I’m pretty sure I could leave if I wanted, but doing so might collapse this little safe house and I don’t want to know what that would do to you. I don’t suppose Luna can come and help us out here?”
Celestia shook her head. “No, Luna’s dream walking magic only works on ponies I’m afraid ,” she told me before her eyes drifted downward.
It took me all of one second to become a little self-conscious, and I reached over to grab a pillow on the couch to cover my own crotch since certain parts of my body were still quite aware of the impossibly beautiful naked woman sitting on the couch. “Sorry. I couldn’t find anything to really cover up with.”
“I was not offended. To be honest, I prefer nudity. So many of my ponies use clothes as a way to proclaim their…superiority,” she grumbled at the end with a scowl and a flash of anger. But it was gone a moment later and Tia was giving me a little smirk. “I was actually comparing the size of your penis to that of what I‘ve seen on my ponies.”
I’m not gonna lie, I flinched. I flinched hard. Then I gave Tia my best ‘are you insane’ expression before she went on. “If I’ve got the dimensions correct. It’s actually rather small compared to the shaft of the average-”
“ARE YOU KIDDING ME?” I demanded with a frown while I fought down incredible levels of embarrassment. Not that I didn’t already know that! And I was pretty average for a human being thank you! Ponies were just…they had big cocks, okay? I don’t like to think about it, but creatures that are four feet tall have bigger sholongs than anything the human race can produce.
Celestia had the nerve to just stare at me with a blank face. I knew she had to be screwing with me somehow despite the fact I could read her emotions like an open book inside the place we were in.
“What?” The fact she was genuinely confused only made things worse. So I got the brilliant idea to explain thing to her and…it kind of went about the same way as when I explained some of the more universal parts of human culture to Twilight.
She got all analytical, and I stammered a lot. Then she started asking the most embarrassing questions possible. Five minutes into the whole thing and I came to two conclusions: Ponies truly had no shame when it came to nudity, and Twilight had gotten a LOT of her behavioral patterns from Tia when it came to learning about something.
I swear, the woman had no freaking tact whatsoever.
“So human males pride themselves on the size of their…reproductive organs?” the goddess asked after FINALLY catching onto the fact just saying various incarnations of the word dick was a taboo during my whole completely scientific and technical explaining of things that I totally failed to keep emotionally free. “That’s rather stupid.”
I gave her a deadpan expression back. “Didn’t you tell me that the only reason you got involved with your third boyfriend was because he had a huge dick?” I asked evenly.
The goddess rolled her eyes. “Back when I was young and stupid, yes. Honestly, a relationship should be based off love and trust, not how much physical pleasure the other pony can give. That road only leads to possessive thoughts and heartbreak.”
After hearing the moral of the proverbial episode, I let out a low chuckle. I mean, I knew Twilight and the girls talked like that, but hearing in from Celestia was another thing entirely. The corniness managed to cheer me up a little and helped to clear my head so I could get it back on track. “So, um look…” I began while pulling the conversation back to where it was supposed to be. “As far as I can figure things, we have two options. The first is that I wake up now and hope that breaks your connection to the hive, or we wait until you wake up.
“The problem is...I have no idea if me leaving the hive mind will take you with me now that you’re here,” I went on. It seemed like a safe bet but...I did not want to risk Celestia sanity and free will no matter how safe the bed. “But...I don’t know if you’ll wake up on your own either. I mean, I don’t technically sleep anymore so...you could be stuck here until I leave.”
“The second choice seems the best option,” Celestia said after a moment of thought, which I had to agree with. “Until then, we’ll have to figure out a way to entertain ourselves.” The fact she said it innocently did nothing to stop my imagination.
I was wondering how how good her boobs felt and was picturing the former horse giving me a blowjob inside of five seconds, and blushing in embarrassment over such things after ten while I tried to cover my renewed arousal.
And guessing by the bit of laughter that came from her mouth, she really had meant to embarrass me with that last one.
“Honestly, you’re easier than Twilight used to be,” she said after I recovered enough to glare at her a bit. Considering just who was talking, I was starting to understand Twilight’s libido…and that teacher fetish she seemed to have. But that led me down a rather dark road called Twilestia, and I couldn’t help but shudder.
So once Celestia had gotten her giggles when it came to ribbing me about human squeamishness and all that other stuff, we tried to get some conversations going. The topics ran everywhere from pre-Equestrian history…which pretty much amounted to what a pair of goddesses did back in their wonder years, to pony fashion and just what the hell made a pony sexually attractive anyway. Some of the answers were disturbing, while others ran the gambit from boring to very enlightening.
Luna and Tia pretty much did what you’d expect two godlike beings with teenage hormones would do. First they were your average high school girls…in a world without a formal education system. Which meant they just went around looking for true love…at least until their first boyfriends dumped them because the pair of alicorns ended up being bigger, stronger, and more magically talented than any pony around after just a few years. Then they just started looking for cheap thrills for about a decade after that.
Oh, and they were blank flanks well into their adult years too. That was a bit of a shocker to me; and probably the MLP fandom as a whole. That whole story about the unicorns raising the sun and the moon was true, and they kept it up even after Equestria was founded, with ten for the sun and five for the moon. However, doing so apparently put such a strain on their magic their cores were overstressed and it eventually took away a unicorn’s ability to use magic at all. It was only after the entire adult population of the tribe was drained that Tia and Luna stepped in and took over the job. Which got them their cutie marks at the tender age of forty.
They also fixed all the unicorns magic too, which kind of shut the unicorn monarchy up about the alicorn princesses just showing up and taking over their new country because they were alicorns. Seriously, that’s how it happened. A bunch of ponies tracked them down and asked if they wanted to rule over all pony-kind.
The whole sun and moon things was also the source of that whole unicorn supremacy idea that seemed to still abound in some Canterlot circles. Although now that I knew the source, I didn’t know whether to be understanding of it, or just think it was sad. I mean sure, somebody’s great grandfather or whatnot suffered and gave up everything back in the day so everypony else could be happy, but…they were all dead and the assholes that lived in modern Equestria didn’t suffer through shit, but demanded an equal amount of respect and everything else.
“So wait,” I said as Tia finished her lecture, making the naked amazon stop in her tracks instead of pacing back and forth across the carpeted floor while she gave me a classic lecture the way it was meant to be given. Yeah, the naked body, swaying hips and… jiggling was as distracting as anything I could imagine, but I was willing to indulge her if it meant getting what I wanted.
Hell, she wasn’t even trying to make me want to bang her with the way she sauntered back and forth. The princess was apparently just as…strict on procedures as Twilight seemed to be when it came to teaching, and that meant she needed to be up in front of the ‘class’ and walking around.
Keeping my attention of her cutie mark helped, it think…with the exception of when she turned that is.
“So, this whole snob thing, it has to do with…breeding?” I asked. “Girls weren’t allowed to date girls because they needed unicorns to breed? But what about the massive mare to stallion ratio?” An idea come to me, and I groaned. “Oh God, please don’t tell me herding was real back in those days…or something.”
Celestia gave me an odd look. “That word…I don’t seem to understand it,” she said. Although when I opened my mouth to explain, she kept going. “I mean, I understand the word, but…what does a communal group have to do with breeding?”
I did my best to keep a straight face as I thought up the best way to explain the concept. “Well um…okay, some of the MLP fans theorized that because there’s so many more girls than guys in Equestria, they had multiple partner relationships with something approaching three mares per stallion. Although there was one…theory that had Twilight belonging to a family comprised of two stallions and four or five mares.” It had kind of been awhile since I read fan fiction for obvious reasons, and my semi-photographic memory revolved more around remembering sights and sounds better than words.
“Multiple partners, that’s…” she crossed her arms and tapped a finger against her flesh. “That’s a rather interesting idea, actually. But, how would raising the foals work?”
For a minute I just sat there cursing my stupidity and how I had found myself in a discussion with Celestia over MLP fanfiction. “It’s all one big family thing, I think…even the ponies that aren’t related by blood are considered siblings since both their moms and dads belong to the same group,” I explained.
Then the discussion on theoretical pony polygamy soon turned to an actual one on human marriage customs and all of our little quirks; which the goddess seemed incredibly interested in. At least on that front I had some actual knowledge and statistics that I was able to rattle off before we changed topics.
Pony fashion was confusing…and boring. It was like I was talking to Rarity again, and she had already done plenty to explain things on that front back when I had been the slightest bit interested in what ponies wore and why. So it was mostly just a rehash of information to kill time and keep me from noticing Celestia’s nakedness.
Bright colors were seen as attractive and inviting, while darker colors and tones were actually meant to convey a sense of authority. Covering up cutie marks was seen as distasteful, unless you were a mare in a gown. Guys didn’t get an excuse and got to show off their butt tattoos all the time while girls got to cover up and be mysterious. As for just where the hell the idea for dresses came from, Celestia didn’t know. It was all before even her time.
And of course, saddles came from Saddle Arabia. If I wanted to find out just why the hell they were invented, I needed to go to that part of the world and ask them.
“I detest the things,” she told me with a frown. “Honestly, they were never made with a pegasus or alicorn in mind.”
That, I had to agree with her on.
But, seeing that the woman had hit an undesirable point in the boring part of the conversation, I took that as my out and switched topics before Celestia could start talking about her favorite dress or something…although, considering how she said she preferred nudity…I wondered if she ever even wore any clothes.
“So let me guess, coats are the same way, right?” I went on. “Ponies with bright coats are considered happy and fun, while the darker ones get to be all serious and…Twilight-ish.”
Hey, it kind of fit with Pinkie and Rainbow being the party animals, and Twilight and…okay, well Twilight was the only darker colored mare in the group, aside from me that is, and I was nowhere near Pinkie levels of party.
“No I’m afraid things are a bit different there,” Celestia went on hesitantly. “I’m surprised you haven’t talked to Twilight about this.”
I couldn’t help but give her an even stare. “We did talk about how pony relationships work once, but…I’m a guy Celestia,” I told her. Most of it revolved around the fact the vast majority of ponies were bisexual, and mare on mare relationships were actually the norm thanks to the pony population's need for romance. She had graphs and everything. “Human men don’t really care about appearance as long as they look good enough for work.”
Not exactly true, but I had no interest in getting into just what made a human attractive. So of course Celestia just had to go and bring it up.
“Ah, but this form is attractive to you?” she asked after a moment.
My brain quickly lost ground to other parts of my body in the battle to decide just what was controlling my thinking process, but I managed to keep from stammering. Instead, I just gulped. “Yes.”
“Why?”
The question had me bringing up an explanation in my mind, which made me remember studying every inch of Celestia’s naked human body…until I was back to looking at her in dream-reality. “It um…” I mumbled before taking a breath.
We had been talking for hours so, I can’t say I didn’t get a little bit used to the goddess being around. But that still didn’t make her any less desirable.
“Well you’re tall, which is a bit of a plus for me,” I began while doing my best to keep myself under control. “And you're physically fit without being ripped, and your breasts are huge…and your butt is filled out, but not so much its fat.” And then I quickly closed my eyes and hunched over help hide the...you know.
By the time I looked back, Celestia had gone back to examining her body and touching herself. Although this time she was mostly concerned with her boobs and butt. “Yes but, why do you feel the way you do about that? And how do humans find teats attractive?” she asked. “The rear I could understand, but…why the teats?”
Was it wrong that I actually knew the answer to that question? And on several levels at that. Off the top of my head too. So I quickly ran and dove into that academic knowledge before something like ‘can we have sex now’ made its way out of my mouth.
“It’s um…a lot of things actually,” I told her while looking at the goddess’s feet. “Um…culturally, it has to do with an ancient civilization we got a lot of our ideas from. These guys called the Spartans required their woman to exercise regularly in order to maintain fit bodies for childbearing.” And the Athenian men probably didn’t survive calling a Spartan’s wife ugly, while chubbier women that sat around reading poetry all day were considered unfit by the Spartans. “It just kind of stuck.”
“And the…” I looked up and regretting it. Celestia was messing with her boob again. “Breasts, boobies, teats, tits…why do your people have so many names for the mammeries?”
Once again, I had to gulp and look away. “Um…well, there’s tons of reasons really, at least when it comes to why humans think they’re important in a sexual way...no idea about the names,” I told her after a moment. “You see…um… One idea says that because when a baby suckles from his mother is the first completely beneficial form of human he receives, there’s a condition of the infant mind or something that tells people the breasts are one of the most important human body parts because they’re used to give us food. But some people say the exact opposite is the case to explain why babies who aren’t breastfed grow up wanting what they never got.
“There’s also some ideas that revolve around evolution, like how because humans stand upright and we focus a lot on breeding, a man's eyes are drawn to that area when women face us, and the butt when they’re not because…well…some tend to stick out,” I finished rather lamely. “Then there’s the idea that boobs are the big noticeable difference between guys and girls, so guy focus on them.”
And somehow, that helped to kill my mood. No idea why, other than...you know...turning an object of lust into an academic...thing. So I blame Twilight. You hang around a pony long enough and she starts to rub off on you, and not in the nuzzling kind of way.
Celestia nodded. “So it’s a matter of positioning then. That’s interesting.”
Thankfully she kept going kept going. “For mares, the area paid the most attention to when determining sexual attractiveness is the flank. To be more precise, it’s the width of the flank, and the mare’s plot. After what you said, I would blame it on the fact that ponies are a quadruped species and that’s where the attention goes. Also, it’s the easiest place to examine unobserved, and includes the…reproductive area as well,” she said before clearing her throat.
When Tia didn’t offer anything more, I looked back up at her with a frown. “So, wait…the fatter the pony’s ass, the more attractive she is?” I asked, completely confused. “That’s um…that doesn’t add up.”
Going by the reactions of other ponies, Rarity and Fluttershy were the hot ones of the group. I think Pinkie was considered cute, while AJ, Rainbow and Twi were at the other end of the attractive scale for some reason. Oh and…I guess I was up there with Rarity and Flutters. But going by Celestia’s explanation, Pinkie should have been the one fighting stallions off with a stick…and Ms Cake should have had her pick of the local guys instead of the one she ended up with.
“Well there’s a balance to it of course,” the goddess added. “Ponies that are too…heavy are seen as unattractive, and that is just one factor. Height is also a desirable trait, as well as a bright coat. A long mane and tail is also something most stallions look for. Large wings are considered sexy among pegasi, as is horn length when it comes to unicorns, and earth ponies value the manes and tail more than most. Mostly the tail.”
I stared at my pony Sex Ed teacher as things started to click into place. A tall pony with bright colors, a long horn, and big wings that had a huge ass without being fat was considered the definition of pony beauty. “In other words, the more they look like you, the hotter they are.”
It was understandable. Hell, Celestia was their living deity. If ponies didn’t use her as their definition of beauty, then I would have wondered just what the hell was going on.
“So what about the darker colors?” I asked. “Are they considered ugly?”
Celestia breath caught for a moment, and then she shook her head. “Not exactly,” she replied after a moment of thought. “How best to put this?”
She reached up and played with her hair for a moment, and I was left wondering if she’d forgotten me when that act to seemed to consume her for a minute as she wound some of her multi-colored hair around one of her fingers. Then she just looked back at me with a start, and dropped her hands to hide them behind her butt. “Sorry,” the goddess apologized before continuing on.
“Darker colors were associated with Nightmare Moon for a thousand years and so they got a reputation for marking a pony as…wild,” she explained cautiously. “Ponies with darker coats were, and still are to a great extent, usually seen as being less inclined to have…social morals.”
I stared at Tia for a moment, trying to put some sense into what she had just said. Being a human for America and all, what I came up with was… “Wait, so…ponies think if your born with a dark coat, you’re going to turn out evil or something?” I asked.
Apparently I was way off, because Celestia just stared at me with an open mouth for a moment before equal parts shock and anger guided her words. “What? No!” she exclaimed. “Ponies with dark coats are just seen as the wilder kind! They’re seen as less inclined to let their inhibitions stop them from enjoying…things, and not as inclined as others to…commit.”
For a moment, I found myself thinking back to my own pony body. Although there were some minor differences, I kind of looked like wet mane pony, with the same thick wings that alicorns like Luna, Twilight, and Cadence possessed as well as a longer than average horn, an extremely long mane and…my ass wasn’t as big as Tia’s even proportionally, but I was comfortable sitting down on the floor. With all that factored in with my pheromones that turned guys on by just being in the same room, and a dark coat that told every pony who saw me I put out…
“Christ, no wonder every guy in town was after me,” I groaned. Plus, the way Rarity and all the other girls just got confused when I tried to blame all the fact all the guys chased me around on chemical reactions made a lot more sense. I may have just been another pony in my eyes…but by their point of view…I was hot as hell.
Did they think I was just being sweet and trying to humor them by blaming it on something other than my looks?
Then I found myself thinking about the other girls and…Fluttershy getting a modeling job that one time made a lot more sense. She may not have had big wings like an alicorn, but everything else about her screamed beautiful when it came to pony looks. Flutters had a well proportioned flank, bright colors and long hair. She had even been in squeamish poses instead of the ones Rarity had tried coaching her to do to make her seem less...open.
The same went for Rarity except when it came to her horn, and Pinkie… The tiny bit of extra pudge she got from working and living at a bakery probably marked her as cute, but undesirable when it came to long-term romance since one day she’d slow down and balloon up. If it wasn’t for her constantly being on a sugar rush, she would have probably already been there.
As for the athletes of the group…I didn’t even need to ask. Celestia may have been as strong as five Applejack’s smooshed together, but she sure as hell didn’t look it when it came to her rump. So while the farm pony’s tail might have turned a few heads with how thick it was compared to the others, living on the farm had given her an almost stallion physique that left little in the back to work with. But she still had the sunny look going for her. Rainbow was…a little less lucky. Her coloration was good, but…my favorite pony’s mane was a short mess, her wings were average and her body had almost no fat whatsoever.
Then there was…Twilight. She had gotten a bit of an upgrade with her aliconnation what with her alicorn wings being bigger than Rainbow’s and the horn lengthening along with her tiny height increase, and there was the fact she was a fucking alicorn princess but…
My little revelation killed the last hot Celestia thoughts I was having trouble with, and I looked up to meet the Princess eye to eye. “Hey Tia, can I ask you something?”
I opened my eyes to the near darkness that came from a world that always had a full moon. A few seconds later, my pseudo-alicorn/pegasus eyes adjusted, and I found Twilight quietly snoozing next to me. For a second I wanted to reach out and touch her, but then I noticed I had hooves again and those things weren’t really meant for light touches.
Besides, I was still a little afraid the meeting of the minds I had with Tia might just have condemned Equestria to eternal darkness, so I kind of just sat around staring at her while I waited for the sun to either rise…or tell us just how screwed we all were.
To pass the time I just laid where I was, and looked at Twilight’s sleeping face. It was a lot more...human than I remembered, even with the large eyes and muzzle.
A few minutes later, the sun rose into the sky and I let out a breath that I didn’t know I was holding. Tia had disappeared from my little mental construct about five minutes before I woke up, and I checked the hive mind to make sure she hadn’t been pulled into it or something. Since there hadn’t been any trace of her, I had made the assumption that she just woke up but…it was good to know that everything was okay.
As far how I knew. The little Tia in my head got this nice tingly feeling when the sun went up and…oh hell it was the freaking sun. Sure Luna could have raised the damn thing in an emergency but I think it would have been kind of late and Spike didn’t just run into the room screaming about a big problem.
Probably because we left him in Canterlot.
But that was beside the point, the sun was up, Celestia was…probably conscious, and Twilight was waking up.
Before she could get her eyes open all the way, I bent over and kissed her on the muzzle. The whole thing made her eyelids practically snap open, and I just smiled at my mare. “Good morning.”
Twilight blinked a few times, then yawned and smacked her lips before sitting up and returning my greeting in kind. I managed not to giggle at her messy little mane. Pony hair like hers wasn’t made to be touched by pillows for any length of time.
I sat up too and pushed away some nervous crap that was trying to work its way into my head. “Twilight…can I talk to you about something?”
Confusion, concern, worry and a bit of fear got picked up by my emotional nose, and I felt like kicking myself. My tone was way too low and steady for her to think I walked to talk about anything good. For a second I thought about dropping my transformation, but…what I needed to say would probably sound better coming from me as I was.
“W-What’s wrong Fae?” she asked cautiously before dropping down onto the ground and stretching out her wings.
I took a calming breath, and did my best to try and put my thoughts together. I had worked out what I wanted to say with Tia, but…that was all rehearsal with one of the kindest creatures in existence doing the moral support thing. This was the live performance, and I was on my own.
“Do you remember when we started dating, I didn’t understand a lot of the things about pony culture?” I asked while trying to think of the best way I could to start things off. Of course that hadn’t been something the two of us had worked out.
Twilight tilted her head and her anxiety started dying down, but only by a bit. “Yes. We went over courtship, sexual orientations, what’s expected for couples on anniversaries-”
I held up a hoof to cut her off. “Okay um…that’s not what I was getting at,” I said before taking another deep breath and trying again. “Uh…okay, y-you know I’m human, or I was human, and…now I’m not, but…I’ve still got human values when it comes to morals, and what I think is funny, and what’s hot and-”
The tiny bit of anxiety had that been going down started to skyrocket, and my eyes widened. “What? Nonononono! This isn’t-this isn’t,” I repeated as I raised my hooves and looked at her frightened face while everything I had planned out with Celestia went right out the window. If she thought I was breaking up with her or something, that idea needed to be shot down as fast as possible.
“W-What’s going on?” Twilight asked me as she fidgeted around nervously, just stepping around in place.
“Okay,” I said before letting out a loud sigh. “Here we go…starting over…again.”
I cleared my throat and took in a deep breath before letting it out. “I’ve been a terrible colt friend or…filly friend, or…whatever you want to call me,” I told her. It really wasn’t time to get into the gender thing with the girl.
When Twilight opened her mouth to argue, I held up my hoof. “I know we’ve been on dates stuff but…I didn’t…I never tried to understand you…your…view of things,” I went on before licking my lips nervously. “And while I was gone, I talked to Celestia about…stuff, and she opened my eyes to a few things when it comes to Equestria, and I realized just how horrible I’ve been to you. How I’ve neglected you so much.”
“What? That’s not true!” Twilight insisted. “You-we, we do everything together! You-we…okay I know our vacation was a bust and…did you not want me to enroll in that class? I mean you looked pretty surprised to see me there even though I marked it on the calendar, didn’t post a schedule in the library for that day-”
“Twilight-”
“-asked you all the details about enrollment, and-”
“TWILIGHT!” I shouted before magicing her mouth closed and walking around the bed to get right in her face. “Look…I love you, and I’ve told you how amazing I think you are, and how cute you are, and adorable and…a-dork-able.”
The spell holding her mouth closed was undone by the goddess’s magic, and she giggled at the last one so hard she looked away. It’s not easy putting human words into pony ones most of the time and a lot of them come out sounding pretty weird. Hell, the pony word for human sounds nothing like its English counterpart.
“But I never once told you that I think you’re beautiful.”
The giggles stopped, and she looked back up at me with wide eyes before I continued.
“And you are beautiful,” I told her as I found myself gaining some confidence. My tone dropped, and I looked into her eyes. “You’re the most beautiful, gorgeous, and stunning mare I’ve ever seen. And it’s not just inner beauty. I love your hair, and your eyes. Your wings are amazing and…your plot is absolutely perfect. You’re perfect and…I love every inch of you, inside and out.”
As the alicorn just completely degenerated into embarrassed stammers about how I was all kinds of hot too, I kissed my little pony on the nose, ending the conversation, and giggled when her whole face turned bright red. The emotional response was even more overwhelming. Love, embarrassment, relief and half a dozen others all mixed in a myriad of psychic scents that I gladly took in.
See, here’s thing…ponies and humans are different, but girls are still girls. Self-image is everything. Since becoming an alicorn, Twilight had gotten a longer horn, filled out a bit, put on some sexy wings and even added some height. But before that, she had been a scrawny bookworm without much in the way of…anything, really. Back when she had been a unicorn, Twilight was just that scrawny little girl you see hiding in a public library somewhere that wasn’t worth anyone’s time to even look at, much less chase after.
I had guessed during my Flash days that guys hadn’t taken much of an interest in her, but guessed it was because she had been so withdrawn in her youth, not physical reasons. I’m sure she learned to deal with it over time but…hot guy shows up, gets a little interested and…all of a sudden, all those things Twilight’s told herself about not wanting a guy around probably sound pretty hollow. So girl holds onto guy despite him being an emotional vampire that has pretty much lied to her for their whole relationship.
Then guy turns into girl and…well…I’m guessing the fact that Twilight’s girlfriend ends up being drop dead gorgeous starts reminding the alicorn that she’s gone from just ‘meh’ levels of attractiveness to barely passable ones. Especially since every fucking guy and some of the girls in town wants a piece of the new mare on the block.
But hey, she could take it, she could endure. I was a loyal…girlfriend and I must not have cared about appearances that much since I hated dresses, didn’t go to the spa with Rarity, and hung out with Rainbow Dash whenever I wasn’t with her. Plus the whole other species thing probably had something to do with it. I wasn’t a jerk, I was just...ignorant.
Sweet, interesting and attentive, but ignorant.
And then a human, my former species, shows up in Equestria. Sure Twilight had no idea that Sunset’s body was way too young for me to be anything but be kind of weirded out about when it came to the possibility of physical attractiveness, but seeing as how I dragged her back to Equestria and she’s going to be living in my fucking house…I understood where the girl’s apprehension might be coming from.
So…yeah. All that going on and Twilight without anyone telling her how beautiful she was? Worst special somepony ever. That’s what I was.
“Th-Thank you,” Twilight managed to stammer after a moment of silence. “That’s very-”
“Overdue,” I told her before kissing the alicorn again. “And there is no kind of apology to make up for that. But, I just wanted to say it anyway. You’re beautiful, and I love you.”
“I love you too,” she replied before kissing me in response.
Cue little lovey-dovey pause and…
I put a smile on my face. “Now come on, let’s get cleaned up and…we’ll probably have to get Sunset to Ponyville to see Rarity for some more clothes, get some…” I paused as a list of just how many things I’d be needing to get her to survive out at my place and looked over to Twilight.
There was a bit of irritation coming from the alicorn, so it looked like my compliment hadn’t gotten rid of Twilight’s feelings on the subject completely, but they were nowhere near the mess that had been there yesterday. And I supposed something else could have been bugging her about Sunset, but…I’m sure we could deal with it later. Considering all the crap that I’d had to go through just in the past twenty-four hours, a little slice of life drama was nothing.
As things stood, I was sure everything would be just fine.
Perfectly fine.
With no more stressful situations waiting for me in the future whatsoever.
Yeah I didn’t buy it either but…it was the morning, and I was making Twilight feel better about herself so, I deserved a few happy delusions.