We begin, as always, with the end of another story.
Wind howled across the crags as four dozen of the mightiest earth ponies grunted and heaved, their breath snatched away and carried along the gale to the valley below. The thick ropes looped around each of the workponies led to the massive obsidian cube as they dragged it further up the slope of the mountain. The corners of the cube dug into the dirt and rocks, making the load feel even heavier as the air around the workponies became thinner. For three weeks the cube had been travelling from the Palace of the Two Sisters, watched the entire way by four alicornian eyes that never wavered, never blinked. Now, they neared the end of the journey.
Their princesses stood silent, somberly watching as the cube came to rest at the edge of a hole. It was perfectly smooth, the result of a beam of pure sunlight that had cut down from the heavens as a divine sword, boring straight down into the depths of the mountain. Celestia watched as the work ponies bowed to her, gasping for breath after the incredibly harsh climb. The princesses would have lifted the ponies burden were it not for the dulling powers of the material.
Princess Luna spared a glance downwards, the hole was deep, reaching from near the summit of the mountain to well below the base. In practical terms, the hole was slightly more than a mile deep.
Princess Celestia stood tall beside her sister, magenta eyes lingering on the obsidian cube, ten lengths wide and ten lengths tall. The ponies assembled filed into order, forming four lines, two on each side of the hole reaching down into the earth. A moment passed, no sound uttered besides the coughing of the work ponies and the screech of the wind.
“Today, we cast down what was once a close friend of all those gathered!”
Even using her royal voice, Celestia could only barely be heard over the wind which seemed to grow louder in protest to any competition.
“We entomb the betrayer in the heart of the earth! That neither the Sun nor Moon need bear to see the memories of such despair!”
Celestia’s voice hitched on the word ‘betrayer’, though it was so slight and so quick that none but her immortal sister standing beside her could hear it. Luna would never hold it against her. The ponies bowed their heads, the battle at the Palace still fresh in their minds. So many lives wasted so pointlessly.
“His name shall be forgotten in the records of history! He shall be erased. His crimes will be wiped away with the passage of time! His hatred and madness shall no longer threaten ponykind!”
Had any been looking, they would have seen the slightest hint of tears in Celestia’s eyes. Luna’s wing stretched ever so subtly, brushing at her sister’s side. A brief reminder that she was not alone in her sorrow. That there was no blame between the sisters. There was a shimmer of yellow magic around the princess’ horn, and the ground below the cube shifted, compressing into a ramp below the flat side facing them.
“He falls never to rise again!”
The cube shifted, slowly and ponderously leaning towards the Princesses. For a moment the world froze as the massive block hung between falling and staying, a perfect moment of clarity and focus.
Gravity took hold and the cube slipped into the darkness of the hole. For a minute, all those who had seen it fall stood in solemn silence, heads bowed. The roar of the impact was muted and faded by the time it reached the surface once more, sounding more like the dropping of a wet sack from another room than the permanent punishment of a monster.
There was another glow of magic from both princesses this time, and the world shook briefly and the plates beneath the skin of the land moved and shook. The hole became a fissure became the smallest of cracks, erasing all evidence of any punishment.
Celestia hung behind the procession as they descended the mountain, beginning the journey back to the Palace to finally begin the repairs in full. For a moment she looked back at the burial ground that contained what had once been a good friend.
“Farewell, Roderick the Viking. May you find peace.”
Her back turned upon the mountain, she continued the long journey ahead of her.
Such is the end, of our beginning.
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Chapter 1: Freaking Talking Ponies
“Everypony stand back! Whatever that thing is, it’s probably hurt, so please stand back!”
There was a muttering of a crowd, that was the first thing that slithered through his mind as he processed those shouted words. His eyes cracked open reluctantly before snapping shut, as if to say ‘Ha! Shoulda stayed closed, dumbass!’.
He forced them to open, groaning as the pain in the back of his ribs reached his brain. Ow. He must’ve had a hell of a fall to be feeling this beat. Probably hit his head, judging by the dirt on his face.
There was dirt on all sides of him, roots and worms exposed to the air. It smelled warm and cloistered, like fresh-planted flowers. He could hear the voices above the hole, quieter than that first loud one. People were gathering, he should get up, show he wasn’t hurt. No need to get a doctor or anything. He was fine.
His arm raised tiredly, fingers working and gripping at the sides of the hole, easily pulling into the tightly packed dirt. If he were feeling better, he’d find that weird.
As he pulled on his new handhold, two things happened: Pain lanced from his back throughout his entire body, making him spasm and cry out in hurt. His arm jerked towards his chest, tearing his handhold into a large hole, spraying even more dirt all over himself as he writhed in the mud, coughing as dust flew into his nose.
He began hacking and choking on the dirt, more of it was falling from the sides of the wall, and he had to get up. He had to move. He couldn’t breathe.
He thought he saw something purple above him, but disregarded it in favor of rolling onto his stomach, pushing himself up with difficulty, knees dragging through mud (mud?), lifting himself further and with great difficulty. There was more pain, but he bit his cheek and carried on, palms now pressed against one side of this hole. It seemed to be about seven feet deep, a foot and a bit higher than his head at full height. He was on his feet (bare) his bare feet. What?
Jonas looked down to see his pink toes squishing into the mud. There were bits of… was that steel? His eyes were now clearer than they had been. About waist height, there was a pipe, crunched and bent as if it had been struck by something. Like a hammer, or a car. Or something. Whatever. It was gushing water out of a rent, making a puddle. Well, that explained the mud.
He raised his arm up tentatively, fingers reaching for the lip of the hole. He could still hear people. Thankfully no-one had come down to help, they were probably just watching or filming for youtube. He could see it now: “Dumbass Student falls down Hole” 37,879 views. 145 likes, 12 dislikes.
Heh.
Best he could hope for was- ah. Ah ah ah ah ow!
Jonas did his best to not spasm again as pain wracked his body. He’d probably cracked a rib. Oh. Goody.
He felt… angry. It just happened. One second he was pissed off, embarrassed, but okay. It was just an accident, and he just wanted to get out of this hole he’d found himself in, hoping he wasn’t hurt. The next…
It was like a tidal wave. He just felt red. He was so angry, so furious at this entire situation for happening to him. He’d been having a good day. And now…
He just wanted to scream. In equal parts rage and pain.
So he did.
He dug deep into his lungs before letting loose and amazing himself. His roar of fury was louder than he thought it would be, and it felt good. It felt freeing, just letting loose. He flung his hands upwards, reaching over the lip of the hole and digging deep, kicking his feet into the side of the wall and trying to pull himself out, ignoring the lightning pain in his back, the fury coursing through him like warm water.
His hands came free, clods of grass and earth coming free in his hands and he fell back down into the hole, splashing in the mud. He leapt back to his feet, still raging, cussing, it became a blur, leaping at the lip of the hole, feet digging even deeper into the wall as his hands furiously scrabbled, digging deep into the outside. He kept scrambling, clods of dirt flying every which way as he madly climbed like a wild thing out of the hole.
He could feel the anger dying as he gained more traction, and now the pain was catching up to him. He’d stopped screaming, his entire upper body was free of the hole, and so he twisted, rolling onto his back and panting with exertion and pain. White dots danced across his eyes as he was blinded by the pain. He lay there panting and gently sobbing (in a masculine fashion) facedown in the grass. He collected himself enough to roll onto his back with a pained grunt. He looked up at the sky, desperately trying to recover from that unexpected ordeal. That anger... he’d had tantrums before. Been to anger therapy.... That was... weird. That was really weird. Whatever. Hole’s gone now.
“Um, are you okay?”
Hey, it was that voice from earlier, the one that’d been all shouty and such. He smiled, not even looking at her. Sounded like another student.
“Yeah... just gimme... a sec...”
It suddenly occurred to him that he must look like crap. He was covered in mud and soaked to the bone courtesy of that pipe in there. He should probably tell someone about that. Right after-
There was purple above him. Wide eyes looking down at him. His mouth formed a confused “huh?” That was... it looked like a...
He rolled onto his side, looking at the crowd. They were, they all looked like...
Ponies!?
But not regular ponies. They were ponies of all kinds of colors, with large eyes and surprisingly expressive faces. He could see and discern emotions of curiosity, shock, fear, excitement... all he’d ever seen a ponies face make was... a pony face, really. So these were clearly not ponies, but... but what else could he call these things?
“Alright everypony! Let her through! Fluttershy is here to help!”
There was a brash voice, calling through the crowd, and then he saw the next most strikingly impossible thing. It was a pony... with wings. It was flying. Oh, and talking. Right. It was flying and talking, and its fur was blue but its mane... its mane was a rainbow. Its mane was a rainbow. And it flew. And it talked. And its mane was a rainbow.
A confused giggle was all he could squeak out.
“Fluttershy, thank goodness you’re here. It looks hurt, and a minute ago it was screaming in pain.”
It was the purple one. The purple talking pony. That talks. And is also a pony.
“Oh my. I’ll do my best, but...”
He groaned. There was another talking pony-thing. Okay. From now on, he just figured he should assume that ponies can talk now. Right. That’s not weird. Just roll with the punches. Y’know.
Talking ponies.
There was a light yellow one. Yellow. Are ponies usually yellow? He’d seen light brown ones... well, now he’d seen blue and purple ones, so yellow isn’t too weird. Is it? He giggled again. God, he was probably still in the hole, face down in the water. This was probably one of the least applicable dying hallucinations he could think of.
The yellow one came up, carrying a box with a bright red cross emblazoned across the front in her teeth. Oh. A doctor horse (pony). Just what he needed. Proper pony-applied medical care.
The yellow one put the box down, flipping it open with her mouth before pausing, then looking at him and meeting his gaze with her cyan eyes. She smiled kindly, timidly.
“Um, excuse me, do you, can you tell me where it hurts?”
He didn’t... okay. So the pony was talking to him. Not weird. Ponies. Not weird. TALKING. Not weird. Alright. Alright. Alright.
He opened his mouth, managing to squeak out “Back. Right side. Rib.” It was like mentioning the pain reminded it to get to work, and work it did. All of his muscles were on fire and he felt so tired all of a sudden and his neck felt... warm? Just a second ago he’d been cold from the water and mud and... it felt like...
His hand flew, fighting the pain thanks to instinct. His fingers touched the back of his head. It was slick, and sticky, and warm. He pulled his hand in front of his head, he had to be sure. Ah. Blood.
“I t-think I might’vve hit...”
He tried to push himself up as the yellow pony (it had wings. Oh.) squeaked, apparently there was more blood than he thought there’d been.
“mmy heaad”
He slurred, noting that that’s not how those words were supposed to sound as he fell face first back onto the ground.
Freaking talking ponies.
He slipped into darkness.
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Twilight Sparkle, favorite student of Princess Celestia, watched as Fluttershy did her best to care for the strange creature that had fallen from the sky. Even out here at Sweet Apple Acres, half of the town of Ponyville had gathered to see just what had fallen, wreathed in fire, and smashed into the ground with such force that for a moment Twilight had feared the dark creature Discord had escaped imprisonment.
But it hadn’t been that. It had been... something. A large, almost two-pony tall creature, with gangly limbs and dull looking claws. No fur, and its mane was a dull brown. It had seemed so... naked. And that scream! When it had roared in rage and defiance, it hadn’t just been loud. It had resonated with the very air, and had scared half the crowd away. The thing had no idea how close it had come to being blasted by the full might of the Element of Magic when it had crawled out of the hole.
It was clearly a strange creature, judging by the fact that, by her senses, it was almost radiating magic. It was not a magic Twilight was intimately familiar with, which was in itself an oddity.She already had a quill and scroll out, jotting down a quick message to the Princess. Perhaps Princess Celestia had some experience with a weird sky-falling creature, and would be better able to allay the fears of the townsfolk.
“Gah! What is this thing made of!?”
Twilight paused her notes to watch as the just-arrived doctor and his assistants tried to lift the sleeping creature onto an improvised stretcher - really two stretchers taped end to end to fit the strange new creature on - but could barely manage to do anything but roll it over onto the cloth. They couldn’t even manage to lift it. It sat like a boulder as the doctor and nurse struggled to lift the ends of the stretcher away.
Twilight decided to get involved
“Rainbow, could you help them move it?”
The Element of Loyalty grinned a cocky grin as she swooped down, wrapping a foreleg around both the handles.
“Stand back. I got this.”
And with a tremendous effort, the creator of the Sonic Rainboom achieved jack squat.
“W-what!? Hey, no. I just... I just wasn’t ready that time. It’s just a bit heavier than I thought it’d be.”
The polychromatic pony did a couple knee bends and squats, before getting her hold again.
“Alright. Now I got this.”
She practically jumped, wings beating furiously as she planted her hooves in the ground, she heaved and groaned, and began to lift her side of the stretcher. Seeing her success, the doctor and his nurses quickly grabbed the other side, all lifting it together.
“What in the tarnation?”
Applejack, the orange earth pony and Element of Honesty, came through the crowd, quickly coming to Dash’s aid before the racer could fall over under her burden, receiving a relieved grin for her trouble. Together, the six ponies resumed carrying the strange beast away.
Interesting... The creature is far heavier, and therefore denser than its size would indicate. That explains how it could survive an impact like that.
Twilight jotted down this observation in her message to Princess Celestia before trotting off home, it was incredibly important that she send this message right away.
---------------------------------------------------
He came to on a mattress on the floor, staring up at the ceiling. Feeling blank. Well, that’s not true. He felt... something. Something in the back of his mind, bubbling. Bubbling?
“Oh! You’re awake! Ohhhhh Twilight’s gonna want to be here! Hold on! Go back to sleep and I’ll go get her so you can wake up again!”
His ears were ringing around the time the pink blur said “awake”. He rolled onto his side, trying to block out the clacking of what had to be (had to be) high heels on hospital tile. Granted, most women don’t run in high heels, but after the screeching sugar high, the pink blob was clearly not a regular lady.
He wearily lifted a hand, fingers rubbing the crusty sleep out of his eyes as he sat up on the mat, looking around. It was a pleasantly colored room, unlike the usual harsh whiteness of a hospital.
It was a chocolate brown, really. A nice warm brown, at the very least. His hands felt at his back, twisting and feeling... nothing? Not even gauze. Weird. He’d probably just twisted his muscles, is all. Probably.
He stood, stretching and yawning before reaching to the back of his head. He felt a large lump on the back of his head and jerked his fingers back in reflex before gingerly prodding at it. It was sore, and stung like a mother when poked, so he resolved to not poke the lump on his head. He’d probably be fine.
That was when the room started spinning like a tilt-a-whirl.
Oh, he was probably not fine. Whatever, he’d just... leave, find a doctor, talk it out, get better, maybe write about that crazy pony hallucination brought on by his head trauma. He put one foot forwards, focused his eyes on the wall, then took another step. He was moving, thankfully. He was at the door, reaching for its bright yellow handle when he paused.
It was made of wood, and painted bright red. Now, Jonas was no stranger to the hospital, and he knew that no self-respecting hospital would have such a... rustic looking door. It was just off.
He shook his head, then regretted shaking his head as he felt nauseous. Who knew getting out a door was so difficult? He reached out, and grabbed onto the metal doorknob firmly.
It compressed within his grip, folding in on itself in his fingers. He felt a flash of rage, a hot spike of pure fury that flooded through his veins and made him feel so very, very strong, like he could just grab and rip and tear-
He looked down, letting go and just staring at the folded metal. That was... weird. Really weird. He was not prepared to deal with this level of weird, so he just twisted the crushed doorknob, hoping it would work.
It did. He stepped out into the hallway, peering from side to side nervously. He was just going to quietly step out to the front, actually, he felt like going home. He should go home, sit on his couch, and just wait for Caroline to get home and tell her all about the wacky morning he had.
He tip-toed down the hall, barefoot, he was still in the jeans and long-sleeved shirt he’d been wearing this morning, but they were clean, somehow. Like, brand new clean. He filed that detail away in the “meh whatever” folder of details in his brain. His focus was not on the questionable cleaning He was almost at the door, he could see the sun shining outside, and he couldn’t help but smile as he pushed the doors open...
“IT’S ESCAPED! RUN FOR YOUR LIIIIIIIIIVES!!!!”
There was a hysterical scream from a...
No.
No way.
A pony-looking thing. There was a pony thing pointing at him with one hoof, while another went to its mouth in terror and it stood on its hind legs. It wasn’t the only one, looking around. There were dozens (dozens!) of other pony things, all looking at him in terror and shock.
There was a pregnant pause.
“Uh. What?”
Jonas personally thought that “Uh. What?” was the most non-threatening thing he could have said at the time. The ponies disagreed strenuously and began running and screaming and tripping over themselves. Jonas just stood, wide-eyed, as the plaza cleared itself out in record time.
The streets were now empty, not a pony to be seen. Jonas just numbly walked forwards. This was wrong. If he were at the hospital, the one he knew of, then the street should be clogged and crowded with cars. If he were hallucinating he should get hit by a car right about...
Now.
Oh. He was fine. That’s great. Really, getting hit by a car in a hallucinogenic state wasn’t really something he wanted to happen, but it did remove the (remote) possibility that he had any idea what in the hell was going on. So, there’s that.
“Stop!”
He did. I mean, what was he going to do, run away from the little purple pony?
He turned, confirming that it was indeed the little purple pony he remembered from the hole. She was short, maybe only four feet tall. Was that tall for a pony? Jonas had no idea. He looked, fighting through the fog he seemed to be existing in to watch this new pony. She had a horn on her head. She was a unicorn. You know what? Yeah. Sure. Fine. Talking unicorn. At this point, not weird. She had dark purple hair with a... violet? Violet looking streak in it. Oh, her hair was her mane, wasn’t it? He tried shaking his head again. He felt more nauseous for the effort.
She was standing on the steps up to the hospital, and on each side of her were more ponies. One was a bright pink, and couldn’t stop smiling broadly at him. He pointed at that one, playing a hunch.
“Were you... in my room when I woke up?”
If that smile got any bigger it’d split her head.
“Eeeeeeyup! That’s how Big Mac would say yes if he were here. But he’s not so I’ll cover for him. I’m Pinkie Pie! You must be new! What’s your name? Actually, what exactly are you, because we’ve been wondering what exactly you are after you fell from the sky and were reaaaally heavy and tough to get to the hospital and we triieeeed to put you in a bed, but you broke it because you’re so heavy so we put you on a mat on the ground and Rainbow Dash couldn’t stop complaining about how heavy you are, but I think that’s just because she’s upset that she couldn’t pick you up on her own and she feels embarrassed about how-”
The orange pony elbowed the pink one, drawing his attention. This one had a... it had a stetson. Not weird. Okay. Next to that one was a blue one. Oh! This one he recognized, it was the rainbow one that had cleared the way for... There she was. In the back, the shy one that had carried the first aid box. There was one other he hadn’t seen before, she was a pure white, and had a curled mane. It looked like she also applied liberal amounts of conditioner or something to her coat, because she practically shined. Fancy.
“Um. Alrighty there, talking pony.”
The purple one was looking at him, no, she was inspecting him. There was a terse silence as both sides just kind of stared at eachother. He shifted awkwardly, trying to remain calm in the face of this weirdness. Finally the purple one spoke.
“Hello, my name is Twilight Sparkle, student of Princess Celestia. These are my friends, Pinkie Pie” - she pointed at the pink one “Applejack” -the orange one “Rainbow Dash” the green one. No, wait, the rainbow one. Sorry. “Fluttershy, who helped tend to you until the doctors arrived” The little yellowish one. “And Rarity” the white one, who flipped her mane in a manner that simply exuded self-confidence. Also prissiness. Same thing.
He nodded to each one in order. No point in being rude, after all.
“Um, I’m Jonas. Jonas Bailey. Nice to meet you, uh, pony... people.”
There was an incredibly awkward silence. The pink one was practically vibrating with excitement while the others were busy sizing him up. He was six feet (5’11 ½, close enough) and they were about... three, four feet tall each. He looked around, noting the complete desolation of the street, then looked back at the six in front of him.
“So... am I dreaming?”
They all looked quizzically up at him, except Pinkie pie, who kept smiling. Creepy. Finally, the purpl- Twilight Sparkle shook her head slowly.
“Oh, yeah, I guess not. I don’t really see why I’d be dreaming of talking ponies. That’d be weird.”
The ponies nodded awkwardly. Wow. Okay. Talking ponies and he was already at the awkward conversation stage. Boy was he handling this well. The more things change, and all of that jazz and stuff. Great. Doing great.
“Ok, so... not sure how I ended up in a hospital filled with ponies. Anyone mind explaining that?”
There was a gleam in Twilight Sparkle’s eye. Jonas knew that gleam. He’d seen that same gleam in Caroline’s eyes. It was the gleam of an academic asked about something they could answer.
“I saw you falling out of the sky, and at first thought you were a meteorite. So I rushed to Sweet Apple Acres where you hit...” she nodded her head at the orange pony, Applejack.
“Yup, crashed smack-dab middle of our field! Sent Granny Smith ‘ta fits ya did. What were y’all thinkin?” Jonas opened his mouth to defend himself reflexively with the time honored defence of ‘I have no idea why I was falling out of the sky’ when the Rainbow one jumped into the story.
“Yeah! I was just practicing my loop-de-loops, saw you go-” She imitated a falling and exploding sound, quite accurately for a pony. “And I was all- Uh-oh, looks like I better save the day again!”
Pinkie Pie jumped into the story with even more gusto “And I was at Sugarcube Corner which is the best bakery EVER and I was making cupcakes and thought to myself, ‘Uh-oh! Twitchatwitch!’ because my Pinkie Sense went off so I ran outside and saw you crashing and thought, hey! I haven’t seen Applejack in a while! So I went to Sweet Apple Acres and-”
Pinkie Pie was cut off by the magical purple one. “When we saw you were hurt, we hurried you to the hospital. How is your head feeling?
Jonas took a second to process what she (they) had said, between the sudden overdose of unfamiliar voices and rate they’d interrupted eachother and talked over one another in a great big jumble of voices. . . .
“Uh, yeah, I’m fine. So.... what? I fell out of the sky?”
He pointed up at aforementioned sky.
“That sky? All the way up there?”
There was another awkward silence. They all looked at him like he was stupid or not paying attention or both. Twilight nodded again, slowly. She was always moving slowly, like someone handling a mentally challenged kid or an insane hobo and he wasn’t either of those things, damnit.
“Well, yes. We’d like to ask how you got up there, since I don’t see any wings on you. We’d also like to know how you survived the landing, which was really more of a crash when I think about it.”
Nope. Nope nope nope. Jonas was having none of this. He walked forwards, breaking the weird awkward showdown, and just sat on the steps in front of the hospital, put his fingers to his temples, and tried to reason things out.
A couple seconds after he sat down, he felt something prodding at his back. He turned his head to see the yellow one, Fluttershy. She was poking and prodding at his back, right around where the pain had been, actually.
“Um, does it still, um, hurt?”
He smiled. She seemed like a kind enough horse. She was also the quietest horse. Pony. Yeah, he could get used to this one.
“Yeah, it’s a lot better. Thanks for, um. Helping me.”
She smiled, and it was possibly the sweetest and most sincere smile he’d ever seen.
They scooted aside, now sitting in a circle around him as they watched him.
“So...” the vowel was drawn out as he tried piecing things together. Really, after the introduction of talking ponies (wearing stetsons) he was willing to consider anything. He looked at Twilight Sparkle. She seemed like she’d know, if any of them did.
“Yes?”
“Am I dead?”
They all looked at him like he was crazy. Or stupid. Again. Getting old.
“I mean, an hou- How long have I been asleep?”
“About five hours.”
“About five hours ago, I was walking to class. Then I tripped, and next thing I know I’m crawling out of a hole in a land full of magical talking ponies. So either I’m dead, or... I have no idea.”
The first one to start laughing was Rainbow Dash. It was a loud, grating laugh. Next was Applejack, who had more of a friendly chuckle. Pinkie pie started laughing after that, and didn’t stop for a long while.
Twilight tried to reason things out, bless her heart.
“Well, I’m not dead, and I’m talking to you and you’re talking to me, so you’re not dead.”
Bam. Applied mathematics. Great. Coming from a pony who might also be dead. Or a hallucination. Or some kind of purgatory test. He wasn’t an expert on these things.
“Alright. Thanks for that.”
“Ah, don’t worry ‘bout it. Ah’m sure anypony’d be as confused as yah in y’alls situation!”
Jonas looked at her oddly, his eyes looking her in her large green ones.
“You mean anyone.”
“No, I said anypony.”
“But you meant anyone.”
Her eyes narrowed.
“Ah meant, and said, anypony.”
He engaged her in a staring contest, with neither side willing to back down.
“Alright. Fine. Whatever. Anypony. Ponies. Great.”
Applejack looked pleased. Jonas was amusedly put out.
And like that, the dam was broken. They began talking, at first about his injuries, which were slight, then about the damaged water pipe and how Applejack’s family (The Apple Family. Original) had fixed it and filled the crater back up. Nobody had any idea where Jonas’ shoes were, and really that wasn’t his primary concern. He bounced some ideas off of Twilight, the smart pony (hallucination, drugs, lots of drugs, more hallucinations), she disagreed with each.
After a half an hour of talking pleasantly with magical talking ponies, and learning all sorts of things about them (Pinkie Pie was an assistant baker at the local sweet shop, Applejack’s family owned and ran the largest apple ranch around, Twilight Sparkle was the student/apprentice of the ‘Princess’ who sounded like she’d know what to do and should already be informed of his presence. Rarity was a designer and had her own boutique, Fluttershy was a friend to all living animals and lived at the edge of the Forbidden Forest (Everfree Forest)) he stood when he heard a rumbling in his stomach.
“So, where do you ponies eat around here?”
They followed, Rarity leading him down the street as she replied in that fancy accent of hers “Oh, darling, I know just the place, it’s ‘Le Botte de Foin, and they have just the most wonderful salads.”
A sudden, horrid thought occurred to Jonas. These ponies... were ponies. Ponies were herbivores, not omnivores. If he were stuck here... he may never eat bacon again. His stomach rumbled in protest.
“Hold up, sugarcube. Ah’m happy ta be makin’ new friends, but we ain’t takin ‘im to the most expensive restaurant for a late lunch.”
“Well, where would you suggest? The International House of Alfalfa, no doubt.”
There was a momentary pause. Jonas was starting to feel uncomfortable.
“Well, yeah!”
Rarity took a breath, preparing to launch into the argument with full force. Jonas raised his hands in what he hoped were a pacifying manner.
“Ladies... I’m, uh, kinda new here, and don’t really have much money on me, so...” He’d been cut off from home funds about two months ago. He’d never been a fan of ramen quite like he’d become after a week of starving.
“Oh, don’t worry about that, dear. I’ll happily pay for your meal.”
“Well, thanks, but I’d rather not owe you too much, so if it’s not too much trouble, the... International House of Alfalfalfalfa sounds fine.”
Rarity looked at him quizzically for a moment before smiling and nodding.
“Oh, very well dear. It’s really no trouble, but I suppose it would be easier to get into the House of Alfalfa.”
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Thirty minutes later, Jonas had come to the conclusion that eating at the House of Alfalfa was not easier. He was, for lack of a better word, too big. No, not just too big. Everything around him was so fragile. When they’d been shown in and the waitress-pony had been calmed down enough to show the seven to their seats, he’d sat down and kept falling. He hadn’t even felt the chair as it folded in half and snapped like a twig. Rarity sighed theatrically, before promising the manager who’d come in a gallop fearing someone had been hurt, that she would pay for the broken chair. Chair turned to chairs, as even the metal chair they provided simply folded underneath him.
Eventually, he just sat on the ground and ate his lunch, smiling and shaking his head at any offer of a seat. They were all just too flimsy, apparently. Heck, even the cheap tiling on the floor wasn’t able to hold him, seeing as he could feel it twisting and bending beneath him. When he left there was going to be an imprint of his butt, which he found endlessly amusing in his foggy state of mind. He was still dealing with magical talking ponies, and therefore clearly still delusional, but... this was nice. There was a sense of peace, here. He’d been awake for an hour, and he could feel the peace seeping into his bones. The ponies (PONIES!) were nice, and had been nice enough to get him a salad and glass of water, and they’d really begun treating him like he was just some freakishly large guest who’d happened to fall from the sky. He found himself smiling despite his confusion.
For all he knew then, he was there to eat salads and talk to ponies (that could talk).
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*Six Hours ago*
Princess Celestia sat in her throne room, reading over the latest requests passed up from her court of nobles. It had been a pleasant start to the day so far. Luna had even come to say good morning before heading to bed. The poor dear was still getting back into the rhythm of raising the moon, and it regrettably continued to take a lot out of her.
On the brighter side, Luna had seen that modern ponies love of the night life. In Canterlot, there were nightly dances and clubs and parties as the young folk rejoiced their lives and made merry. It was a slow and painful process, helping her beloved sister come out of her shell, but it was more than worth the effort. If Nightmare Night was any indication, Luna had already made notable improvements fitting in with the recent pony trends.
It had been a lonely thousand years since she had locked her madness-possessed sister in the moon, and she swore she would never allow such events to pass again.
This is why, when she felt that presence again, she did an honest to goodness spit-take. Tea splattered all over the incredibly important and now forgotten scroll of legislature, which went flying through the air as she tossed it aside. Within moments, the eternal princess was at the window, looking out. Sure enough, in the distance... fire, coming from the sky.
Roderick had escaped. It was the only explanation.
“Guards! Send for my sist-”
“I AM HERE, SISTER.”
Celestia would have giggled at her little sisters constant use of the Royal Canterlot Voice, but this was no time for laughter. The original monster had broken free.
“He’s back. He broke free somehow.”
Luna looked out the window, not just with her eyes, but she cast her senses to the wind and tasted the magic. It was foul, and old, and evil beyond belief.
“IT WOULD APPEAR SO. WE MUST SALLY FORTH TO BATTLE AT ONCE.”
“Luna, is it falling where I think it is?”
Luna’s eyes narrowed, magic channeled through her eyes, tightening, focusing, concentrating her vision until...
“HE’S HEADING DIRECTLY TOWARDS PONYVILLE! HE MUST HAVE DISCOVERED TWILIGHT SPARKLE AND THE ELEMENTS OF HARMONY!”
“There’s no time to lose. Captain Hammer!”
A rose-red pegasus almost appeared next to the sun princess, sitting at attention in perfect posture as if he’d been there the entire time.
“Gather your swiftest flyers; We move to Ponyville at all haste!”
His hoof touched above his eye in a smart salute.
“Yes, your grace!”
In a moment, the throne room was empty of life, the legal scroll lying forgotten at the foot of the throne itself, quality tea soaking into the plush carpet.
In a minute, There were thirty royal fliers, wearing only their official helmets, ornate yet practical bronze helms, the mark of a royal pegasi, the most respected and trusted of the princesses’ escorts.
Celestia marched up and down the line, inspecting each soldier with the critical eye of a princess that had seen unspeakable horrors. She paused before each pony, inspecting them not just with her eyes, but her magic, searching for every flaw in their bodies and souls.
She was satisfied with all but two. She dismissed them with the gently chiding tones of: “Your souls are not prepared for this.”
When the number was down to twenty nine pegasi including Captain Sky Hammer, standing in a perfect line.
“The beast we go to battle is my most feared foe. He will attempt to not only break your bodies, but your spirits and minds as well. Stay true to eachother, and to Equestria, and we shall have victory.”
She turned, wings flaring fully
“To Ponyville!”
And so, Princesses Celestia and Luna traveled to Ponyville, accompanied by their finest warriors, prepared to die in their bid to save Ponyville from the beast undoubtedly now tearing it asunder.
-----------------------------
Jonas was considering just leveling the entire town.
He probably could. By all accounts, he was just... tougher than everything here. Everything. Metal doorknobs? Like paper. Chairs? Couldn’t hold up. Twilight had done some fancy magical reinforcement of her scales, and measured him. He weighed almost two thousand pounds now. He weighed a ton, could fold metal like paper, and was just stronger than anything he’d found in this world yet.
Pride goeth before the fall, as... Yoda probably said. At some point.
“How.”
Pinkie Pie looked up from the game of Tic-Tac-Toe.
“How what, Silly?”
His eyes burned into the piece of paper in front of him.
“How have you beaten me this many times in a row.”
Pinkie Pie laughed. Where earlier it had been kind of endearing, it was now the knell of madness in his ears.
“Silly! You just keep making the wrong moves!”
He looked up from the child’s game to stare at her disbelievingly.
“It’s a zero-sum game. There is no winning move without the opponent making a wrong move.”
Pinkie kept looking at him with that GRIN.
“So how... How. HOW, have I lost twenty-seven times in a row?”
She shrugged.
“Well, maybe you should stop making the wrong move and letting me win!”
He swallowed his retort and looked back down at the sheet of paper. His hand went to his mouth as he focused entirely on the sheet. There were only two moves he could make. He could either set up a row of three to be made on his next turn, or he could stop Pinkie from getting her row of three. One was forfeiting, the other was stopping her. Just like the last twenty seven times.
He marked down his X.
She circled the corner.
He blocked her new row of two.
She circled another corner, completing a row of three.
He didn’t even get angry. He just got off the floor, threw his hands in the air, and walked out of Twilight’s library. He was still... really, really, confused. But if this was a hallucination, he could do worse than surprisingly kind ponies (that talked). If he was dead and this was heaven, or hell, then.... wow. The implications were staggering.
It had been two hours since lunch, and after Twilight’s experiments he’d become completely invested in beating Pinkie Pie. Applejack had left to get her little sister from her school, Rarity had gone to her shop for a scheduled customer. Fluttershy, the sweet little dear, had gone to the woods to assure the animals that the screaming hole-crashing thing wasn’t going to come after them. Rainbow Dash had spotted an unscheduled storm in the distance and had gone to push it away, leaving just Jonas, Twilight, and Pinkie Pie.
Twilight had taken the results of her tests, and disappeared into the basement, where Jonas had caught a glimpse from the doorway of a large, comically convoluted computer type of thing. He’d been more invested in beating Pinkie Pie’s impossible winning streak at the time.
“Alright, Pinkie. You win. I’m just... I’m just gonna step outside and ignore the impossibility of what just happened.” He said to the bubblegum pink talking horse.
“Okie-Dokie-Lokie!”
He didn’t even dignify that response with one of his own. He carefully, caaaarefully grabbed the doorknob between a forefinger and a thumb, twisting the knob ever so gently before stepping outside and closing the door as softly as he could. It was now a crumpled twisted hunk of metal. Whatever. It was weird, being this careful about things that usually wouldn’t even matter, but... weird day. Weird events.
He turned from the door to come face to face with what looked like a small army of winged horses. The two in front, a dark purple one with a mane made of... something dark and flowing, and a white one taller than him with a mane of blues and greens. These two, especially the white one, were clad in carefully crafted horse (pony) armor, lending a gorgeous, yet frightening appearance to the two. Behind them, dozens of pegasi wearing bronze helmets stood in four lines of five, each watching him intently.
The two large ones glared intently, magic glowing around them as they stood. Menacingly.
He’d just gotten into a high-noon showdown with almost thirty magical ponies. Great.
Jonas’ eyes flicked from side to side. These ponies were clearly here for a fight, or... maybe this is just how the big ones say hello? He should say something, just to clear the air. His mouth opened, but the white one spoke first. Her voice was like the ringing of a bell on a warm summer sunday.
“You... are not Roderick.”
His mouth clicked shut. He glanced nervously from side to side, noting how empty the streets seemed. Aside from the large gathering of battle-ready (pffft) ponies, of course. He noticed the tiaras atop the heads of the large ponies. Princesses! Twilight’d mentioned that there were two! These were his first words to the magical rulers of this magical horse (pony) kingdom. It was of utmost importance that he be as eloquent as he could despite his situation.
“Uh. What?”
...Jonas had never been good with words. The white princess spoke again before Jonas could continue reciting poetry.
“I believe there has been a... misunderstanding. May we please come inside?”
-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*
Five minutes later he was sitting on the ground in Twilight’s kitchen, watching Celestia and Luna warily as he delicately (ever so delicately) sipped some of the weird-smelling tea Twilight had kindly given him. The cup cracked, leaking tea on his pants. He barely noticed. It was barely even hot.
He sat a little straighter, looking out the window. There was a red, angry looking Pegasus that had apparently been waiting for this, as it glared at the human intensely. Jonas ducked his head, looking back to the tall princesses as if he hadn’t just been intimidated by a horse (pony) half his size.
“So. Um... Princess Celestia, oh, and Princess Luna, can I ask who this... Roderick person is?”
Twilight nodded her head as well, The faithful student stepped over to sit at the table, clearly also desiring an answer. Nobody had any idea where Pinkie Pie had gone. Apparently that was normal. Talking ponies. Normal. Heh.
There was a long, long pause as Celestia took a sip of tea. A long sip. Ok, there’s no way there’s tea left in the cup at this point. C’mon. It finally lowered, a soft glow of yellow light fading from view. That should probably be weirder. He was probably still in shock. Or concussed. Or hallucinating. Still.
“That... is a very long story, Jonas.”
Ok, that was bugging him. He was comfortable here now, he should probably just point it out. Maybe it’d make things less awkward.
“Um, my friends just call me Jon.”
Another awkward pause.
“A long time ago, Jonas, another human much like yourself came into our world. His name, was Roderick.”
“What is it?”
“Don’t touch it! It’s probably another monster!”
“Oh, don’t be such a crybaby, Celly. Look how pink it is. Pink things aren’t monsters.”
Jonas’ eyes squinted in thought as his hand came up to his mouth. “This the same Roderick you thought I was?”
“Quiet, please. I’m getting to that.”
“Sorry.”
“He was, I believe the term he used, a viking.”
Jonas did a remarkable job just accepting that detail. Vikings. Talking, magical ponies. He at least knew one was real, and the other was a viking. No, ponies. Wait. Oh, he was confused again.
“The world you ‘humans’ come from. It is so very-”
The sun-princesses voice dropped into a whisper. Her eyes were creased in... regret? It looked like regret. Jonas was not an expert.
“-tainted.”
“Excuse me?”
“Your planet. Your very world or plane of existence, is- is saturated in the most pure darkness imaginable. Before Roderick, there had never been such a concentration of rage, and of hatred, and spite, and sorrow and depression and guilt in all of Equestria. He held all those things together, in his heart."
The princess took a moment, along with another sip of tea (How was there still tea in that cup!?) to steady her nerves. Twilight’s eyes were wide at the information, and the dark princess (Luna? Pretty sure it was Luna).
“Where Roderick went, the hatred and rage of the world around him lessened. It became a brighter world wherever he walked, and at first we didn’t know why. We simply accepted it.”
Luna’s eyes, which had been impressively stoic before, looked down at the floor. The princess of the night closed her eyes and did her best not to remember the events of the story.
“He was, in fact, absorbing the negative emotions. Roderick, for all his flaws, was indeed a proud man at heart. He believed our realm to be some kind of Valhalla, a land of eternal war. In those ancient times, as Luna and I united the world to make a land for all Pony-kind, he fought at our sides. He was so... strong. Whatever world you come from is, for lack of a better word, harder. Nothing could hurt him, short of the most potent of magics.”
That explained Jonas’ own super-heaviness, at least. Good to know it was a consistent thing.
“Regrettably, absorbing the negative emotions was eating away at his soul. We had. . .no idea. We- I, saw in Roderick, an opportunity to help the entire nation of Equestria. Over years of effort, we tied his very soul to the world with his consent. Through that, he siphoned away the hatred and rage and enmity of our entire planet.”
Jonas was staring wide-eyed. He didn’t know much about magic, but this sounded like something out of a norse creation myth, or something. Granted, not many creation myths had talking ponies draining the negativity of a planet to create a utopia for talking ponies. At least, none off the top of his head...
“He took all that rage, and all that hate, and he kept it. Within days of this, Ponykind began to flourish. Where once there was petty infighting amongst the ponies of the land, there was co-operation and tolerance. Where before Luna and I had struggled to convince the tribes to unite under us, they now sought us out in the spirit of kinship. Within two weeks, there were no more great wars. The beasts of the land simply marked their territories and passively defended them. No longer would Hydras come rampaging out of the woods into pony towns every other week. Dragons remained grouchy, but would no longer devour entire villages for the sport of it. The world became pacified almost overnight.”
Jonas whistled. People joked about world peace, and he was sitting across from the magical talking pony that had actually accomplished it. With the help of a viking. Honestly, he was a little more certain that he was just pumped full of drugs right now. This was entirely in keeping with what he knew of drug-induced hallucinations. He didn’t know much about drug-induced hallucinations.
“We rejoiced, all of us but Roderick. He became withdrawn and sullen. He was suddenly a warrior with no war, and unlimited fury. He’d always been an... enthusiastic warrior, driven by bloodlust and carnage, but it had always been against his most worthy foes, be they dragons or hydras.”
“On the eve of our celebration, what is now known as Hearth’s Warming Eve, he attacked. He had become some form of monster. Fueled by hatred he battled Luna and I until with the full might of the Eclipse, we struck him down and imprisoned him, deep under the ground.”
Jonas saw where this was going. Probably somewhere informative. Hopefully. He really had no idea where this was going.
“When we felt your... magic. When we felt the deep-seated hate and raw negativity of your world, we were so sure that Roderick had escaped, and so arrived to face him once more. I apologize for the abruptness of our meeting.”
Jonas could only nod.
“I uh, accept your apology, Princess, ma’am. Not like you did anything wrong or something. But, what does ANY of this have to do with me? I mean, I was just walking, and now I’m in a land of magical talking ponies. Forgive me, but that doesn’t just happen, right?”
At first it looked like Celestia was going to answer him immediately, her mouth opened, then shut. She appeared pensive for a minute, took three more sips of tea, placed the empty cup down on the table, then looked Jonas dead in the eye.
“I... have a theory. It shall require confirmation, but the only thought that comes to mind is that Roderick has died after over a thousand years of imprisonment. Assuming this is correct, it would make sense that an ancient bond such as the Siphon would immediately seek a new subject, a new carrier of the burden. I cannot say any of this with certainty. I shall have to open Roderick’s prison to confirm, and I dare not do that without proper preparation. It shall take time.”
Jonas shrugged. Okay. Time. Time with talking horses (ponies). Sure. Great. He’d just stay here with magical talking ponies, while the god-princesses of the sun and moon (who are also ponies) went and dug up his viking ancestor who had apparently lived for a thousand years in magical prison.
“Wait, he lived for a thousand years? I mean, living a hundred as a viking is impossible, but... why would he die if he’d already made it past a thousand? That just seems kind of... arbitrary.”
The Princesses (capital p) eyes focused intently on his own. Well, he assumed Luna was focusing on him. She’d wandered to the side of the room and he could only see her in his peripheral vision.
“Hatred can only sustain a life for so long.”
A couple minutes later, the Princesses were flying back to Canterlot. Twilight walked with them to the door, and Jonas had seen the Princess speaking to her student just outside the front door. Soon after, Twilight was walking back inside. She lifted the tea cups with her telekinesis and set them into the magically powered (he assumed) dishwashing machine. She seemed troubled, but he wasn’t sure.
“So... that was the princess-es. Princesses?”
The troubled look flitted away. Probably just shock from meeting a giant bipedal titan. Yeah. Titan. Titans are cool. Jonas would like to be considered a titan.
“Yes.”
Jonas lay back on the ground, arms spreading wide as the floor creaked beneath his weight. It was nice to know that he was just denser than everything around him. Like being in a room of cotton. And also made of brick. And iron. He was a man of iron. heh.
His thoughts were still muddy. He was so sleepy...
“They seemed nice. Bit of a shock. Do you mind if I just go to sleep on your floor?”
There was darkness at the edge of his vision. Everything was so blurry. He heard her calling him Jonas. She looked worried. That’s okay... nothing a nap wouldn’t fix. Jonas... Jonas... Jonas...
“Call me Jon...”
He was asleep.