Consarn it, where could the dang thing be! Applejack had been up for quite a while now, despite it being the dead of night. Why, you ask? Why would Applejack, the handy, dedicated, honest workhorse be gallivanting in the break of dawn when there was work to be done in the morn? Apples to buck? Seeds to plant? Probably some big monster the Princesses forgot to tell them about till the very last second they had to stop? All that, and it makes sense why you’d ask why. Why, for no reason other than that some dirty rascal had stolen her hat, right off her tabletop, while she slept! Darn varmint didn’t even have the guts to take from her awake! They thought they could take it away without her noticing, but Applejack and her hat had a symbiotic, telepathic relationship(You pick up a few words when you’re friends with ponies like Twi, Rare, and Shy). And she felt it when it was taken away from her presence, and she could hear its cries for help. Help, AJ! Some monster is wearing me! On their non-blonde, non cowpony head! Why, the mere image of someone wearing her hat was so wrong AJ was surprised the universe didn’t implode right then!
“Don’t worry, Sandy!” Sandy was the name of her hat, obviously. “I’mma root these cold blooded monsters out and put you back where you belong!” she whispered roughly into the night. With her keen ears, her hearing trained by years of cattle watching on top of the heightened senses all Earth Ponies possessed, she heard the slightest ruckus in her barn. Think you can escape, huh? Well think again!
Calmly, and with all the stealth of Rainbow Dash trying to steal a book, she slowly snuck her way up to the barn, where she heard a familiar voice. “Oh Daring Do, stop that ruffian!” Twi? Twi! She must’ve spotted the ruffians before they made their escape! But these crooks must’ve been so horrible that they had caused her to lapse into BTSD! Book Traumatic Stress Disorder! Oooh, AJ had seen many a bad case of that in her years of helping the town. Don’t worry, Twi, I’m coming! She rapidly picked up her pace, only a few meters away. Her dramatic entrance was delayed by yet another voice she knew well, yet off somehow.
“Don’t worry, darlin’. I took care of ‘em.” Rare? Rarity took care of them? She must’ve sorely underestimated that fashionista. For saving her hat, AJ would repay her greatly! She’d lavish her with apple pies and compliments!
“Oh, how can I thank you?” Aw, listen to Twi. Guess I’m not the only one to be thankful!
“I can think of one way.” Okay, what the hay was wrong with her voice? It sounded … rougher. Did those thieves do something to her throat? Twi must have some throat medicine!
Well, I got some to loan too! Least I could do for a hero. She reached the entrance, put on her widest and most thankful grin, and opened the door.
Only to find Rarity with a leather jacket on, with cardboard wings attached to her sides, and Applejack’s hat atop her head! While kissing Twilight, and not in a friendly or even remotely chaste way either! They were defiling her sacred hat with their foreplay! There was only one logical reaction to this. “AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH-” Her scream shook the very foundation of the barn.
“AJ!?” Twilight exclaimed in a shock as she broke away from the kiss.
“-AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH-”
“Dearie, we’re sorry! We didn’t think you would notice!”
“-AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH-”
“But it was the closest hat to Daring Do’s we could find! It was a last resort!” Twilight said in a vain attempt to comfort the traumatized cowpony. And then, as suddenly as it started, it stopped, the distraught, contorted expression on AJ’s face shifting into a blank one.
“Twilight, dear. I think we broke her.”
Suddenly, she started up again. “Eeeenope, nope nope nope nope.” She trotted over to Rarity like a soulless automation and snatched her hat off her head. “This never happened. Eeeeenope! I’m going to put my hat back on my tabletop, go to sleep, and think this was all a terrible nightmare in the morning. Eeeeeyup yup yup yup,” she intoned as she trotted back to her house. Silence. Then-
“Darn! It’s just not the same without the hat!” Rarity pouted.
“Hmmm.” Twilight tapped her chin in thought. “Do you think Pinkie would mind if we borrowed those detective hats, Watson?” A sly, passionate look was shared between them, and they were off to Sugarcube Corner.