Twilight OP pls nerf

by SpiritDutch


The Chapter With Trixie Goes About As Well As You Expect

Twilight Sparkle was, for some unknowable reason, trotting through Ponyville. If she were the type of pony who could appreciate beauty and the gifts nature provided, one might assert that she was enjoying the pleasant fall day. But she wasn’t, and so one couldn’t.

“Hey! Did’ya hear the news?” Pinkie bounded up to Twilight.

“Probably.” Twilight replied.

“There’s a new unicorn in town!” Pinkie bounded up and down in excitement.

Twilight raised an eyebrow. “That’s the big news? Personally, I found the uncontrollable outbreak of ebola in Apploosa or the terror attacks in Canterlot a bit more noteworthy.”

Pinkie tisked. “Oh, Twilight, for a god you are awfully silly. Why should the ponies of Ponyville care about something significant elsewhere, when there’s a flashy distraction right in front of our noses! Silly Twilight.”

“We’ll see how silly you find me when you’re looking out from between your own intestines.” Twilight growled. “Where is the new unicorn? Wait a second… I don’t care.”

Twilight turned and trotted away. Pinkie’s cheer wavered slightly. “But Twiiiiillllliiiiight! You just have to go, and be bear witness to everypony’s embarrassment!”

Twilight’s ear twitched, and she turned back. “Well why didn’t you say there would be a gallery of ridicule and mockery. Let’s go!” She activated her horn for a teleportation spell.



Twilight and Pinkie translocated instantaneously to the Ponyville Fairground. Or, as Twilight discovered, most of Pinkie.

“Shoot.” She swore. She’d managed to get most of Pinkie’s organs, bereft of skin or bones. Twilight noted with mild amusement that Pinkie’s eyes had infact landed next to her intestines.

“I’ll put you back together after I see who’s being humiliated.” Twilight told Pinkie’s internal organs. “Don’t go anywhere.”


A large crowd had gathered in front of a makeshift stage, where a blue unicorn in a cape and hat was performing show magic.

“Princess Twilight, over here!” A voice in the crowd called, and Twilight made her way to it. It was Rarity, who had Fluttershy and Applejack beside her.

“Why’d you call me over here? Is somepony on fire?” Twilight asked. “Not that I’d do anything, but I know someponies would take solace in the fact that their horrible death by fire gave me some amusement.”

“Uh, no pony’s on fire.” Applejack said.

"Yet." Twilight retorted.

“We just wanted the pleasure of your company.” Rarity said.

Twilight snorted amusedly. “I accept your worshipful complement. I grant you a boon in return.”

“Um.” Fluttershy began. “Do you think you could make me immortal like you did Rainbow’s griffin friend?”

“What, do you expect me to hand out eternal life like candy?” Twilight bit. “You have to work for that shiz.”


“Hey, could you pipe down. I can’t hear the performance.” Somepony behind the group said. Twilight turned slowly towards her.

“Did you just tell me what to do?” She whispered dangerously.

“Er, I was informing you of my plight in case you found it sympathetic and decided to forsake your own situational comfort for my benefit and potentially for the benefit of others as well.” The mare explained longwindedly.

“Do you have any redeeming characteristics that would keep me from fertilizing my garden with your grey matter?”

The mare considered that. “I have an unnaturally long uvula.” The mare said, then opened her mouth widely enough that the aforementioned organ could be seen.

Twilight shrugged. “I feel like this conversation contributes nothing to the overarching plot. You may live.”

“If I may ask, Princess Twilight.” Rarity began. “Why are you so consistently morbid and fatalistic?”

Twilight turned to face the unicorn. “There’s just something exhilarating about threatening bloody death and dismemberment on on somepony, and know that you could follow through. Then you just start doing it all the time, and it looses it’s shock value. Now I kinda do it out of habit, and I hardly feel anything. It’s unfeminine I must admit, but I don’t really give a flut.”

“That’s a disturbing indictment of our psychology.” Rarity shivered.

“Eh.” Twilight shrugged. “SO, who's this new unicorn? Oh wait…” She blinked. “I already know because I read your minds.”

“Twilight!” Rarity huffed. “That's the second- no, third time since you promised.”

“I’m just kidding, honestly.” Twilight defended. “I've known this pony for a while. But, I did read your mind anyway.” She cracked a smile. “And now I know you think really dirty things about Fluttershy.”

Rarity and Fluttershy turned a very deep shade of red. "That's only partially true." Rarity mumbled.
Applejack chuckled, glad that she was escaping attention yet again.

Twilight turned towards the stage. “Hey you! Trixie!” Twilight bellowed. Trixe who was in the middle of juggling several balls of fire, was startled into dropping her concentration. The balls of fire fell, and the floor immediately caught fire.

“Trixe, I’m talking to you! Don’t ignore me.” Twilight called, but Trixe was too busy running about in panic as the very flammable stage and wagon burned around her.

“Trixie! Hey!” Twilight persisted. In a moment of genius, Trixie tossed her fire-proof cape over a patch of stage and dived through the gap. She landed at Twilight’s hooves.

“Hi. I’m Twilight Sparkle, a big fan.” Twilight was saying. “I saw your Canterlot show and I was wondering if you could do that trick where you pick a pony and utterly humiliate them in front of all their family and friends.”

Coughing out the last of the smoke in her lungs, Trixie staggered to all fours. She looked Twilight in the eyes. “Hello Sparkle.” She said flatly. “I see you’ve ruined my show, again.”

Twilight nickered. “It’s how I express my love.”

"It is not reciprocated."

"Come on." Twilight prissed her lips playfully. Around the group, ponies were screaming and fleeing from the burning stage. "Give me a little kiss."

Looking like a mare with a gun to her head, Trixie very slowly maneuvered her cheek to meet Twilight's lips. "Gratified, Sparkle?"

Twilight grinned. "Immensely."


“I thought for certain you were head over heals for Luna.” Rarity pointed out.

Twilight was slightly taken aback by that. “Listen Rariglee, my love for Luna is as pure as the tears of unloved orphans. My love for Trixie here is the kind of insatiable lust that can only be satiated by brutal abuse. I’m sure a mare of your persuasion would understand.”

“I really don’t.” Rarity admitted.

Twilight grinned indecently at the slightly crisped Trixie. “I have to go reassemble Pinkie Pie, but don’t you worry, I’ll save enough energy for us. Eight o’clock, at the corpse of your cart. Don’t be late, or else.” She trotted off, whistling a tune into the breeze.

Trixie looked impassively at Rarity. “Is there a hospital nearby, and are they open later than eight?”