Opening Twilight's Heart

by Knight of Cerebus

Chapter 4

“Gay?” Twilight blinked, looking at Celestia in confusion. Celestia swallowed. She was already regretting her decision to open up, and her confession of her sexuality. The awkward pause had stolen her fleeting faith in Twilight’s plan to bring them dates, and the gaping look on Twilight’s face might as well have been a scowl for how quickly it drained her confidence.“Gay...but I thought...well the books said...You do mean gay as in the secondary, colloquial term, right? ‘Cause I’m having a good time, too, but I don’t think that has anything to do with romantic preference.”

Celestia gave an over-wide smile at this, trying to gain a bit of confidence back. “It’s not important what I meant. We’re trying to get dates for--”

“Both of us.” Twilight stressed. “Which means that...Well…” She gave a sigh. “I guess…”

Celestia made to bow her head, but noticed at the last moment that Twilight, too, was looking at her hooves. Celestia once again attempted to gain some composure, giving a weak smile. “If it makes you uncomfortable, Twilight, I won’t hold it against you.” And at once, Twilight’s head snapped up.

“What?! No! No, it’s not that I find it weird or anything! I could never--no, it’s just…” Twilight sighed again. “I don’t really know anything about you, do I? I just assumed that I knew enough about you to find a date for you because I read some books from a hundred years ago that told me what they thought you liked. I should have consulted you, and, like you said earlier, I got so swept up by my wanting to find a solution to a problem that I ignored how you were feeling. I’m sorry, Celestia.”

“I could hardly hold attempts to make me happy against you, hasty as they may have been. Apology gladly accepted, Twilight.” The pair smiled at each other, a look of understanding passing like electricity between their charged bodies. Relief flooded into Celestia, but a well-ingrained caution made her pose another question for her companion. “And you are certain preferences aren’t offensive to you in some way? You aren’t upset that I kept this from you?”

Twilight gave a chuckle. “I’m a little confused, actually. Why did you think that would upset me?”

Celestia sighed. “Force of habit, I suppose. It is an expectation that I, as princess, would select a mate who could give me an heir. Your books will have mentioned genealogy, of course. Bloodlines are very important in the upper class of Canterlot, and the idea that I would willingly choose to not expand mine is far less palatable than the idea that I am a virgin queen beyond the sway of romantic feelings. The nobility is forever trying to convince itself that I expressly approve of their culture and am ingrained in it, when, as you know, I find myself far more involved with the farmers and shopkeepers than their lifestyle.”

Twilight tilted her head. “O...kay. But I’m not a noble. Well, I was born to one of the houses, but you know what I mean. I don’t live anything like them, either. You didn’t think I would react like they would, did you? I mean, I don’t know a pony richer than Rarity in town, and I don’t care.”

Celestia smiled. “You are correct, I did give you more credit than that. As I said, it is hard to reveal something I have hidden so long. I’ve even taken to referring to my old flames as “he”, when that was rarely the case. However, there was a second reason.” At this, Celestia’s smile strained ever so slightly, but she kept her composure nonetheless. “I was afraid I would alienate you when I mentioned it. After all--” Celestia bit her lip, uncertain as to how to proceed. “I...how shall I put this? As a homosexual, it is possible that I could be attracted to you, and I imagine such a revelation would greatly unsettle you. Of course, I did not have a crush on you at any point in your tutelage, but the very possibility might paint all of our interactions in a newer, much less favourable light.” It was only years of practice that saved Celestia from blushing, and her less experienced partner had no such luck. “The thought of raising a barrier like that between us made me stay my tongue, but I thought the better of it. It felt deceptive to let you continue on your way like that, especially after all you’ve said, and I suppose I should apologize for it.”

“I...I know what you mean. About the barrier, I mean. But I feel the same way. What I feel for you, and what I’m starting to realize you feel for me...it’s...special. It’s something I’d never want to ruin, and I guess there are some things about me I would want to hide because of that. But at the same time, I think that just as I wouldn’t want to ruin it, I wouldn’t let something ruin it either. At least, not unless it was something really, really bad. And you being gay definitely isn’t that.” Celestia smiled. Twilight smiled back. In an instant, they had closed the gap to give each other a quick, strong embrace, then broke apart. There had been no command or biological impulse that drove the embrace. It had simply felt like the natural thing to do for both.

“But that said,” Celestia pulled away with a cautious smile, “you can imagine why I would hesitate to bring this up, given the assumptions you might have made, and how uncomfortable it may have made you.”

“Yeah...that would be kind of...weird. I never thought of it like that. But I wouldn’t have taken it like that. I mean, it’s not like you would have a crush on me. I’m not any of those things you said when you were listing things in a pony you were looking for. Besides, you said you wanted something more than just dating from me anyway. Oh, if I’d just written down what you said about an ideal pony before! I’d be able to change my locations to search for a date for you without any trouble. Oh well. We should still be able to find a pony for you before Hearts and Hooves Day is done with.” Twilight looked over at Celestia, who was still smiling at her. In her haste to find an ideal lover for Celestia, however, she missed the way in which the expression had shifted back to its forced, safe and emotionless norm with the words she had said. “To Ponyville?”

Celestia gave a nod. “Yes, to Ponyville. I will search the barracks, and will find us a resturaunt. I think a location in Ponyville itself is likely the most comfortable. Once I’ve found a date and a date location, I will come find you. ”

Twilight smiled. “Right. Meet you soon.”

The pair embraced again, and then Twilight teleported with a lavender burst of light. Celestia turned towards the barracks, an inviting, neutral smile falling over her face.

Twilight knocked on Blossomforth’s door, a rictus smile upon her face. “Hi!” She blurted out with unsettling cheer. “Do you want to go on a date with Princess Celestia?!” A blank stare met Twilight’s manic request, leaving the two standing in silence. After a pause, Blossomforth managed to say:

“As in...a date with Princess Celestia?”

“Exactly!” Twilight’s tone made the grey mare jump. The size of her eyes suggested she equated the situation with being caught in the path of a runaway freight train.

“I...would...um, love too. But...I have this thing...I’m...uh...sky...painting? Yes! Painting the sky! With Pinkie Pie! I’ll talk to you later, Twilight!” The door slammed shut in her face.

Twilight waved away the fearful imagining with a sigh. “Let’s...not try that. I don’t even know any gay mares! At least, I never asked. Bon Bon and Lyra are pretty close...but so are the girls and I. Urgh!”

Twilight stalked past the Ponyville market with a slump in her shoulders, searching across the public square for some lonely-looking potential homosexual. The local mailmare walked past with a pink, heart-shaped letter sealed with an hourglass stamp. Miss Cheerilee was leading a group of foals towards the fountain, pointedly not looking at Big MacIntosh. Raindrops sat by herself, a slump in her shoulders...until an exhausted and anxious Pokey Pierce made a beeline for her table and bolted into a chair with an apology the entire square could hear. Twilight groaned again. It was a fruitless search, and she knew it.

“What I really need is somepony who knows all about the love lives of everyone in Ponyville, and somepony who isn’t afraid to share them, either. Somepony I know I can trust, and somepony who wants everyone around her to find a perfect special somepo--” Twilight instantly knew where she needed to go. Without another word, she sped off to find Ponyville’s resident romance expert.

“At ease.” Celestia disarmed the guards with her usual smile. “I am not here for a particular mission, nor do I require any civil duties from you. Rather, I come to you with an offer. Princess Twilight Sparkle has announced she is looking for an official date for Hearts and Hooves Day. She has further stated that she may be interested in a guard.” At this her tone dipped into one of confiding mischievousness, and her smile grew to a more jovial grin. She watched in amusement as expressions of awe, joy, fear, and, in the case of one unfortunate stallion, arousal, spread across the barracks. To her disappointment, however, not a single guard stepped forward, most of them either running for their young lives, moving on in disinterest or blushing and freezing up. One stallion, however, immediately pushed to the front of the group.

“Your majesty! Did you say...Princess Twilight?”

“That I did.” Celestia paused. There was something in the young stallion’s eyes that was decidedly unsettling. He seemed distracted, his face taking on a distant, vacant smile. Nonetheless, she pressed on, reasoning that she would be able to better gauge the stallion’s personality as she talked with him. “Would you be interested in accompanying her for the evening?”

“Absolutely. Her Majesty has been a huge inspiration to me since I was a colt. I’d be honoured to date her.” The guard’s airy smile did not dissipate, but it did seem to grow more earnest, if a bit more distant still. Celestia bit the inside of her cheek.

“The location would be Twilight’s current home, Ponyville, and would likely be a restaurant significantly below the standards of inner city Canterlot you would be used to. Is that acceptable?”

“Absolutely.” The stallion turned to look at her, his glazed eyes seeing past her. Celestia decided it was fully possible that there was merely something wrong with his eyes. “It doesn’t matter where we meet, so long as it’s her. If I could make her happy, even for a little bit, that would be a dream come true. I joined the guard to protect ponies like her and her Majesty, Princess Cadance.”

This struck Celestia as a perfectly reasonable position, but despite what the stallion had said thus far, she could not help but shake the feeling there was something decidedly off about his demeanor. Regardless, he had presented himself where no other guard would, and if he was as fixed upon making Twilight’s date night a success as he purported, she saw no reason not to allow him the chance.

“One more condition.” Celestia took a breath in, searching for the best way to state her presence as diplomatically as possible. The stallion had thus far had a peculiarly singular focus upon Twilight, so she reasoned that framing her attendance through Twilight’s perspective would be the most logical step. “Twilight was hoping that I might attend the date, both as a companion in case she feels uncomfortable and because she hopes I might enjoy the holiday on my own terms. I hope to be as unintrusive as possible, and will only intervene if the date becomes especially uncomfortable for either party.”

“That should be fine, Your Majesty. Anything to finally get a chance to meet her.” The blue-maned stallion gave her a breezy smile, still seeming not entirely in the same reality as Celestia. The Princess pursed her lips.

“Very well. Would you like to help me find a restaurant?”

He nodded, giving a casual toss of his mane with his confirmation. Celestia met his bland smile with a more natural one of her own, and with a flick of her horn she dissipated the pair, leaving a garrison sighing with relief behind her.

“...Why didn’t you ask her, Heavy?”

“Are you crazy? You think about what would happen if it went pear-shaped? I happen to like living on the surface of celestial bodies that aren’t on fire, myself.”

“...Yeah.” His comrade agreed wistfully. “Yeah, but it’s still a damn shame.”

Twilight knocked on the door of the Carousel Boutique furiously. “Rarity!” Knock, knock, knock. “Rarity!” Knock, knock, knock. “Rarity!”

The door replied with a wail of despair. “Go away! I won’t see another soul today, save if they have come to sweep me away to freedom from my endless vigil of maidenly solitude! I will not have any ruffian come and disrupt my despair on today of all days for some filthy dress!”

Twilight’s eyes narrowed, her expression going from concerned to deadpan in a heartbeat. “Hoity Toity said no, didn’t he?”

“He said he had 'other concerns'! What concern could possibly be greater than the power of true...of true lo-o-o-o-ove!”

Twilight sighed, shaking her head at the sob that permeated the door. “Rarity, I’m coming in.”

“Coming in?! Oh, goodness, no, darling! You can’t possibly see me like this! To see me so, so, unfashionable? So miserable? On a day when you should be out shining like a brilliant star? Unthinkable! Just...just leave an old maid to her loneliness.” The last of these words was delivered with comparative calm and quiet.

Twilight’s eyes softened at the words. “I’ve told you before, a date would never come before any of the girls, and that includes you. Now come on. I’ve got some good news for you...And a few questions. But they all have to do with love!”

“Love, you say? Well why didn’t you say so, darling! Come in! Come in!”

Twilight muttered “I was trying to…” under her breath, but trotted in with her best supportive smile nonetheless. At once her smile turned to a look of worry. “...Rarity?”

Wrung, wrinkled, and fur covered dresses were strewn across the floor, some of them damp with what Twilight assumed were tears. A large fainting couch took up the centre of the room, and tubs of discarded ice cream were strewn across the boutique. The centrepiece was Rarity herself. Her mane looked as though she had been pawing at it all day, with strands of loose hair curling from her scalp in all directions and several places where it had been parted into clumps down to the root. Mascara streaks ran down to her chin, where they mingled with chocolate mint stains spread like a patchwork around her mouth. Her coat was raised and matted, the static from her dresses having pulled it in whichever direction she had been mangling them. Lastly, red-rimmed eyes stared out at Twilight with a bittersweet smile.

“Hello, Twilight dear. Let’s...let’s hear this good news, shall we?”

“Right.” Twilight made her way through the sea of ice cream tubs, noticing now that there were a few discarded romance novels hidden amongst them, and stopped beside Rarity’s couch, resting a hoof on the fashionista’s shoulder and giving her a tender smile. “I decided to take your advice.”

Rarity blinked. “What advice?”

“You said I should find a special somepony for Hearts and Hooves Day as part of the proper Princess decorum, and, well, I decided you were right. It only seems right that I try to explore what the holiday has to offer. I tried getting a few dates on my own…” The pair of them shared a collective cringe, one at the memories and the other from her knowledge of how the scenario likely developed. “Yeah. That was...that was a mistake.”

“So now you’ve come to ask for my advice?”

“Sort of. There’s a bit more. I thought about coming to you, but I knew you were probably busy trying to find a date yourself, so I decided it was best not to bother you unless I really needed to. Which is what’s happening now.”

“Who did you go to, then?” Rarity wet a handkerchief at the sink, levitating it towards her face once it had sufficiently saturated with water.

“Princess Celestia. I assumed she must have loads of dating experience, given she’s been around for so long. Not to mention, I already know she’s a great teacher. The best, really. So I thought she could teach me a bit about how to date, herself.”

“And?”

“Well, instead of dating advice I learned a lot about the Princess’ life. She...she hasn’t had a very good dating life, either. Which is where you come in. I asked the Princess if she’d like to go on a date with me, and now I need you to help me find the dates.”

Rarity’s eyes lit up, but the expression was cut off by a look of concern. “Erm...Twilight? You do know that when you say “can I take you on a date?” you are typically asking a pony to be your date, yes?”

Twilight blinked. “What?”

“With the way you worded your question, Princess Celestia likely thought you were asking her to be your date.”

Twilight only laughed at this. At first, nasally giggles came forth, barely restrained by her hoof. Eventually, she could hold them no more, and open, unguarded laughter came from her in quick succession. She leaned on the couch for support.

Celestia rarely cantered, usually contenting herself with a gentle, peaceful walk, but she had to confess Pinkie Pie’s excitement had been perhaps more infectious than she had imagined. Of course, the pink mare had been ecstatic to see her and a New Pony in town, and had naturally decided a party was in order. Unfortunately for her, and mercifully for Celestia and Twilight, most ponies were either too involved in their own plans or too demoralized to be interested in a large celebration, and so Celestia had discreetly suggested that making the party a Secret Dating Party set for herself, Twilight and what company they brought could be a unique and invigorating challenge. Pinkie, of course, had thought this was a splendid idea, and had set to work preparing Sugarcube Corner for “Sparky and Celly’s Hearts and Hooves Soiree” with gusto.

In the process, Celestia had learned Twilight had recently bolted toward the Carousel Boutique, and so, with the kind hearted but somewhat air headed orange colt in tow, Celestia had made her way through town. The sound of Twilight’s nasally laugh and the mention of her name pulled her to one of the windows of the boutique. Her higher thought and moral compass fought a losing battle with her heart over Twilight’s privacy. She chided herself on her cowardice in not simply asking herself, but she wished to hear what Twilight thought of her in private. Thoughts of too many old friends and lovers with hidden resentments buried for her sake pushed her to know, as did a pleading need to know if her selfish wish had even a ghost of a chance, shame her though it did that animal fear and attachment had bested Twilight’s promise to tell her nothing but the truth.

So she pushed herself against the window sill, hoping against hope that neither would draw back the curtains, all of which had been ominously pulled back. Her open ear met the sounds of Rarity giving Twilight a rebuttal. It was only then that she noticed the blue-maned colt had joined her in eavesdropping. She raised an eyebrow at him, and he cast her not barely a glance for her effort. Her raised eyebrow pulled back down into a furrowed brow, her scrutinizing gaze penetrating the stallion and what exactly his motive might have been. Perhaps allowing this to go as far as it has was a mistake…

“Hehehe...Celestia date me. Yeah, good one, Rarity.”

Rarity became indignant at this, her nose wrinkling in agitation. “Well, what? It’s perfectly plausible that’s how she took it, given your behaviour around her in the past.”

Twilight looked up at this, tilting her head to one side. “My behaviour?”

“You know, your...you...ness. How whenever Celestia comes to town we need to prepare everything just so or else the world will end? Or how you went to the Gala just so you could talk alone with her? And you said that that would be the best night of your life?” Twilight looked down at this, her ears drooping. “Or that business with the missed friendship report? And how you rush to embrace her the instant you see her?”

Twilight’s eyes raised in a hard stare, her ears still drooped. “Is that...is that really what you thought it was? That I had a crush on her, or something?”

“Well, it was one of a few theories,” Rarity said lamely.

Twilight gave a sigh. “Rarity, I--she’s my idol, Rarity. I’ve wanted to be like her since I first met her, because of how much good she does. She’s a wonderful pony. We owe her our lives. Everyone I know and love, my entire world would be impossible without her and the sacrifices she made. Multiple times over, too. And she doesn’t care about any of that. She cares about everypony as a person and she never spares a moment for herself when she could be helping somebody else. And she calms me down. Everypony else is afraid of me when I...when I have my episodes.” Twilight’s gushing was interrupted by a look of naked shame, her entire body bowing under the weight of her darkest, most painful flaw. She shook her head, regaining her composure and her good cheer with a speed that suggested experience in hiding this particular wound. “But she’s not. She’s always there for me, always knows just what to say, and is always happy to hear what silly thing I’m worrying about this time.

“I’ve known her since I was a filly. She defined my whole life, Rarity. Without her I never would have met you girls, never would have become the magic expert I am today. Never would have met Spike or Cadance, never would have had the life I have here. And...and I guess I mean a lot to her, too. Without us she wouldn’t have Luna back, or stopped Discord, or seen Cadance find her own kingdom to rule over. Without me she wouldn’t have Spike and Chrysalis would’ve...she wouldn’t have been able to save Cadance. And now she’s starting to open up to me, and tell me about herself and let me be her friend. What we have is...magical. It’s...special. I couldn’t take her on this date any more than I could take one of you or Spike. I could never make our bond out to be something so...silly? Flirty? Shallow. I could never be that selfish, and never that shallow.”

Celestia’s open lips leaked air from her lungs, and it was only when they began to protest that she realized she had stopped breathing. Shallow. Selfish. Twilight had perhaps chosen the best words for her attraction in one fell swoop. She pushed away from the window, looking down at the sill in disgust. The grass against her hooves were like a thousand tiny slaps bringing her back to reality, reminding her a foggy dream of romance had almost betrayed the greatest bond she had ever held with another pony.

But even that ignored the ugly truth. The same clingy, selfish, shallow need for another in her life to be with romantically had almost ruined Twilight’s greatest and happiest bond. How much she meant to Twilight, and vice versa, had been laid out in perhaps the most loving rejection never delivered to her. With a soft sigh, Celestia sat upon the grass, examining her reflection in the gems of her shoes, imagining, accusing and regretting.