Luna was munching on some toast with butter. Philomena was enjoying a little bit of free time, flying around everypony's heads and making noises as if she were going to peck them. The guards were talking about Celestia's ridiculous theories.
Celestia, however, was nowhere to be found.
This was discovered when one especially stupid guard went searching for the snow-white princess to tell her how to spell 'the'.
Luna panicked and ran into her room, screaming gibberish that sounded something like a banshee wailing 'My babies must not eat pie' along with a werewolf howling 'Peter picked a pint of pickled peppers'.
The guards sent a letter to Princess Twilight Sparkle to 'ask help for the search of Her Supreme Highness Miss Conspiracy Theory Sunbuttface Princess Celestia, who has seemingly gone missing. We have not been able to find her in two minutes and we are deeply concerned about her well-being. Also, if she is found dead, report to Canterlot immediately to take Celestia's place. Killing her if you find her is perfectly acceptable if you'd like to secure your position as Keeper of the Day and Princess of Friendship.'
Twilight soon came to Canterlot, a sobbing Celestia following her. "She came into my castle, ate all my ice cream, and left puddles of water everywhere! Then she tried to tell me something, but I couldn't understand her!"
"See? I told you, Twilight!" Celestia sucked in a deep breath and started eating another gallon of ice cream. "Nofony unnersfands me!"
"I just said, I can't understand you!" Twilight sighed and pushed Celestia towards the guards. "You take her! I have legitimate problems to attend to with my friends!" She flew away grumbling.
Just as she left, Luna trotted out of her room, much calmer than she was before. "Oh, hello, Celestia. Where have you been?"
"I... went to my.. only friend's house... to eat ice cream... and complain, 'cause... that's what Cadence did to me when... Shining Armor broke up with her when... they were first dating and... Fleur De Lis wasn't married, but... she was already dating... Blueblood, so than Shining got... Fleur to break up with him, but... Fleur was actually older then them, so... she dated Fancypants, until he finally proposed... and then Shining Armor started eating corndogs, and then... Blueblood came into my room to eat... all my ice cream and whine about his problems..." Celestia burst into tears and shoved more ice cream into her mouth, shouting some unintelligible gibberish through the melting murky mandarin mush.
Luna rolled her eyes. "I'm going to my room, so stay out, Celestia." She trotted to her room, yelled 'stay out' again, then slammed the door.
Celestia shook her head and snarled, "I must get in that room!" She shot a beam of bananas at the door, only to smash them all on the wood. Yellow gluck and bruised peels littered the floor in front of Luna's room.
"Hmph! Well, maybe if I ask nicely..." Celestia trotted to her sister's door, only to slip on the banana mess.
Now, typically, what would happen was that Celestia would crash into something, get up, and set a guard on fire to divert attention. But today was King Sombra's national holiday, also known as Equestrian Stairs Day, and there were stairs everywhere. The room looked like MC Escher had watched My Little Pony before drawing.
Celestia tumbled down one set of stairs, got up to take a few steps, then tumbled up another set, this time going through a doorway into the same set of stairs she had tumbled down previously, only this time she was tumbling sideways. Then she landed on the balcony, stumbled up to the sun, screamed and flew off, landed on a set of stairs again, and tumbled into the Crystal Empire, where the Crystal Pansies Ponies were cowering in fear at the sight of so many stairs. Celestia them tumbled up a flight of stairs into the heart of the castle, only to tumble down the original and very large flight Sombra himself had created.
The process reversed itself, and when she finally arrived back in her castle, the snow-white princess looked like somepony had dumped charcoal and blue ink all over the snow. There wasn't a single spot on her body that wasn't sore.
Celestia retreated to her room, crying and eating another gallon of ice cream.
Cadence trotted in, looking very concerned. "Aunt Celestia, is something wrong? I know most ponies don't like Equestria Stairs Day, but you seem to be taking it badly."
"Mi muff wannen yo myet minhu Moona's moo!" Celestia swallowed the ice cream, then began to bawl again. The room got flooded quickly.
"Celestia, I can't understand a word you're saying!"
Celestia rolled her eyes, stopped crying, and said, "I just wanted to get into Luna's room! Is that too much to ask?"
"Everypony needs their secrets, Tia! I mean, I'm sure you have your own secrets!"
"But everypony knows my secrets. Like how I invented shipping as a way to humiliate bronies and show off how stupid they are, but they thought it was a good idea and kept doing it."
The screen got all wavy, signaling a flashback was occurring.
"Luna, look at what these humans are doing! Writing false stories about us for their own amusement!" Celestia looked through the papers. "My, if only there were a way to truly show the world what idiots these 'bronies' truly are..."
"You said 'truly' twice," Luna said. "And love is the ultimate weakness. What if?..."
"I know!" Celestia burst into laughter. "I'll create something where they make two ponies fall in love with each other! But what to call it?"
"Sign here for shipping," a mailpony said.
Celestia gasped and pushed the pony aside. "Shipping! That's it! The bronies will use it, and soon everypony will know just how stupid these creatures really are!"
The screen got wavy again, ending the flashback. Celestia shuddered. "Now, I recoil in disgust every time I hear-"
"Sign here to pay for shipping," A mailpony said. Celestia screamed and ran away.
The guards had her conspiracy theories and were comparing how stupid they were. Celestia set all of them on fire(the guards, not the theories, stupid) then trotted to Luna's room. "Luna, please let me in."
There was no answer.
"Luna, let me in."
No answer.
"Luna."
No answer.
"Luna."
No answer.
"Luna."
No answer.
"Luna."
No answer.
"Luna."
Okay, you know what, Celestia? I'm getting tired of this. Knock it off. She's busy and she can't/won't hear you. Stop it so I can make you do something interesting.
"Luna."
THIS CHAPTER IS OVER.
"Ha! That stupid narrator finally left! Now, I can put my plan into action!" Celestia laughed evilly.
Discord appeared out of fat air again. "That's not how you laugh evilly," he snarled.
"You're not in this story, you idiot! Get out!" Celestia pushed Discord off of the screen and out of the story. However, since she can only mess with what I haven't written yet, the two Discord scenes stayed in place. Discord did not appear for the rest of the story.
"Now, I'm going to kick Luna's door down!" Celestia poked the door with her hoof, grunting loudly. She kept poking and grunting until Luna poked her head out.
"Celestia-ow! Stop-ow! Stop-ow! STOP POKING ME!" Luna slapped Celestia and slammed the door in her sister's face.
The sun princess' jaw dropped. "She... slapped me..." She bowed her head, then declared in a regal voice, "Luna, I have no choice other than to send you to the moon once more." Celestia cast a spell that set all of the guards on fire again.
Cadence trotted over to Celestia. "Maybe if you showed your sister some love-"
"NO!" Celestia pushed Cadence away. "You're not in this story anymore! Love is useless!" She sighed, then shot a beam of ultra-powerful magic at the door. Nothing happened. "Oh, Luna, why can't you let me in?"
She turned around to find some ice cram, only to fall down a flight of stairs.