//------------------------------// // Chapter Seventeen: Redeemed or Damned? // Story: A Compass for a Lost Dreamer // by reflective vagrant //------------------------------// Honored Instructor Lieutenant Colonel Cloud Pepper marched down the row of returning cadets. "As I am sure you are aware, nopony has passed this course in over four hundred years!" she 'spoke' to the cadets. "There is good reason for that! After the Wonderbolts became a public air show, it became a joke!" She stopped and spun around on the spot then shoved her face into Twelve's own, forcing his head back and most of his weight onto his back hooves. "Every two bit flyer that wanted a piece of the fame joined up!" Cloud Pepper's eyes were mere inches away from his. They might as well been spears with how she gave him the stink eye. "Disorder followed. Ponies were being kicked out then rejoining faster than a Canterlot noble could change her hat to match the going trend!" Twelve bolted back to his crate and it slammed shut behind him. The detection system recognized his unauthorized re-entry with a beep. The sign up top changed from 'Training' to 'Quit' as the door locked. "Something had to be done! We were the elite of the Equestrian air force, not a spa to visit as one pleased!" A team of pegasi picked up crate twelve as the honored instructor moved out and away from the forty nine remaining cadets. "And so, Princess Celestia in her wisdom had the re-entry procedures for anypony that had been thrown out from general to cadet reworked to what it is today!" She turned and faced the entirety of the cadet squadron. "A nigh impossible course! Only those who have the dedication deserving of the title Wonderbolt even have a chance at passing! It took years-" She stomped her hoof loudly on the runway. "-but we finally weeded out the slackers and returned the Wonderbolts to their former glory!" She started back towards the direct middle of the squadron. "When ponies realized they only had one real chance at the honor of this elite force, they finally took the duties of Wonderbolts seriously again!" She stopped right between Twenty Five and Twenty Six. "And now you!-" She turned to look Twenty Five in the eyes. "Pathetic!-" She turned to Twenty Six to do the same. "Worthless pieces of scum, not worthy to be scraped off the bottom of my hoof, think you have what it takes to achieve the grade nopony has achieved and earn the coveted redemption contract!?" Twenty Six's ear twitched at this. Honored Instructor Cloud Pepper's eyes glanced up at the ear twitch as it happened. "If I hadn't been doing this for so long, such a notion would be funny!" She brought her head back out of Twenty Six's face and continued down the line. "The only reason I am still here and not retired is because I have yet to find a suitable officer to be my successor! I will not let this course, which has held the integrity of the Wonderbolts in the balance, be passed off to somepony that won't do it right! Nor will I allow somepony that doesn't understand what it means to be in military rejoin! If I order you to fly, you fly! If I tell you to land, you land! If I tell you to do something crazy, you do the crazy thing I told you to do! The only thing article twenty two tells me I cannot directly order you to do until the course has been completed is to go home!" She spat at the hooves of a random cadet. Her nose wrinkled up and her ears went flat as she stared at the pony she had just spat at. "Believe me when I say I would if I could!" Over the course of the next hour, Honored Instructor Cloud Pepper continued to drill and grind her squad until three more ponies ran for their crates. A reddish rust brown unicorn sat on the top of a small hill at the edge of Ponyville, staring off into the distance. He was still a colt, but he was starting to show the early signs of becoming a young stallion. Thoroughly strapped around the colt's barrel was a new pair of prosthetic wings, folded to his sides and slightly oversized for him to grow into. An intricate pattern of pink wire was embedded into the artificial feathers and carefully fed down the wings, up his spine and onto a cap for his horn alongside a smaller set of blue wires. "She'll be fine Keen Wit," his father called out to him. "She'll be back in two months' time." "I'm not worried about her. She's awesome. I just know she'll make it. I was out here for something else." The colt turned to his father. "I was thinking about tomorrow. You have me assigned to Sunny Rays as her wing pony." He gave his father a furled brow and a smile. "She's the only one I trust with you while Lightning Dust is at the academy." Keen Wit stared at him for a good moment as his smile turned into a smirk. "You know what I mean dad." His eyes closed for a moment as he levitated the cap over his horn. His artificial wings sprang to life as the cap latched to his horn's magic like a magnet. They flapped about excitedly as he let loose, jumping around. His wings made for some impressive gliding as he circled around his father. "I can almost take whole shifts up there now. I want to fly as a lead pony, or at least fly on my own!" Wayside smiled as he waved his son down. "Not until you grow out of that condition. Doctor Pulse says it's gonna be another year at least." Keen Wit came down to the ground in front of his father. "Come on! I've grown out of it already!" His father raised an eyebrow then came forward and placed a hoof on the tip of his son's horn cap. Keen Wit gave him an uneasy smile. "See?" Wayside pushed on his horn. Keen Wit closed one eye and started to buckle at the knees under the mild pressure. His wings lightly spasmed and the eye that was closed began to water, soon forming into a single tear that ran down his cheek. "No. I don't see." Wayside removed his hoof. "But you will grow out of it before too long. I'll let you fly freely then. Don't break yourself before you get a chance to shine." Getting his stance straight again, Keen Wit looked to his dad with a frown and lowered ears. His artificial wings even dropped in reflection to his mood. "Sorry." "You're growing into the stallion you'll be for the rest of your life Keen Wit." Wayside smiled at him and gave him a light tap to the chin. "Experimenting is a part of it. One little lie isn't gonna make me stop loving you." Wayside looked at the setting sun. "We can talk about this later. Your mom is expecting us back. Just think about what kind of stallion you want to be while you still can." Over the course of the next week, Twenty Six was pushed to her limits as lap counts that would only be given as punishment in the normal course were the early warm ups before they were even allowed breakfast. After a meal that fell short of the calorie needs of the morning, they began other exercises from wing ups to exercises that had nothing to do with flight. Some briefly cocked their heads at these, but none were brave enough to question orders. 'I don't care if she asks me to pull a cart full of bricks like an earth pony. I'll do it. I have to.' By the end of the first week, the squadron was cut almost in half. Twenty seven cadets total remained for the first week's scored examination of mid aerial recovery. The machines they were flung from to practice midair recovery were more heavily built than the dizzitrons in the normal course and they were always set on maximum. The lack of food made it difficult to get decent scores. After the final cadet had landed, the Honored Instructor snapped. "Come on you lazy pieces of manure! I am past well my prime and can still best every one of your scores! Eleven point two seconds is the best score you have to give me!? I could do that in my sleep!" A stallion who held the best score screamed and charged her from behind. "Why don't you try it then you old hag!?" He jumped in the air a few lengths from her, attempting to tackle her from above. She stood there quietly until the last moment, waiting. At just the right time, she squashed down and threw her entire weight into a double back hoof buck right to his gut, earth pony style. Twenty Six's gut quivered at the sight. 'Ouch.' He laid there for a moment, suspended on her hooves with a look of pure shock on his face. Cloud Pepper picked one hoof out of his gut while holding him with the other. With her free back hoof, she bucked him in the face and sent him into a backwards tumble. He landed on his face and chest in the grass. "My mama didn't raise no weakling! You should know better than to challenge the still reigning Wonderbolt C.Q.C. Champion! I can out power, out maneuver and out strategize any of you!" 'I don't doubt it. I've seen the abilities of the Pepper family first hoof.' While her victim lay on the ground bleeding, the Honored Instructor jumped up and loaded herself into the heavy duty dizzitron. "Activate and release at random!" she ordered the operator. He pulled the lever and she started to spin. Ten point eight seconds of flight later, she landed over top of her victim's bloody face. "You are disqualified on the grounds of breaking silence!" Looking up from her helpless victim, she called out, "Major Iron Lung! Get Cadet Copper Tongue to the medical ward and patched up then off academy grounds!" Half the remaining squadron flinched as they heard the cadet's real name being mentioned. To run out part way through or be dismissed at the end was to be expected and could be done anonymously, but to have your real name called by the instructor was quite different. He had broken policy by speaking and the disgrace would follow him through the rest of his life. As Major Iron Lung and his medical team carried off the shamed pony, Honored Instructor Cloud Pepper looked around at her cadets. "Anypony else have something to say?" she spoke unusually calmly. Her voice was still loud, but softer than anything she had spoken thus far. Somehow it carved her words into their minds in even deeper. Every cadet, Twenty Six included, shook their heads in one of the only two ways they were allowed to respond: no. 'I have to make it to the end. My pride is nothing. Not anymore,' Twenty Six thought to herself. "All right then!" The Honored instructor spoke, returning to her old volume. "With that settled, this set of drills will be the first of many to be added to your final scores!" She turned to the scoreboard. "Remove Cadet Thirty Two's score and show them!" she called to the score box. A large board near the remaining delivery crates revealed the top five scores. "Well now, I don't see that every day!" The top scores did not show the actual scores as they were kept secret, but the five highest cadets' numbers were still shown for all cadets to see. Twenty held the top position with Thirteen, Seven, and Thirty Five holding second, third and fourth respectively. When Twenty Six scrolled down the scoreboard she was taken back. Her number was paired up with Seventeen in a tie for fifth place. The Honored Instructor looked at Seventeen. "Next week's scores won't be as straight cut!" She turned to Twenty Six with a look of almost malevolent amusement on her face. "I wonder which one of you two will manage to stay on the list here on out!" Twenty Six looked over at the cadet that had managed to match her score. 'It's nothing personal Seventeen. I'm just not the athlete I used to be.' Her ears went flat on her head. 'I have to stay on that board.' Later in Cloud Pepper's office. "Did you really need to buck him in the face, ma'am?" Major Iron Lung asked his superior. "You need to remember that you're stronger than most pegasi. That is going to take some intensive surgery to fix." Cloud pepper was looking at a photo on her wall of her family. "Need to? No," she answered with a voice that crackled with sad bitterness. "But I have to keep them in line. They have to fear me." "I know you're trying as hard as ever to keep the image up, but I also know you have better control than that. The gut blow alone would have worked." She passed her hoof over the smiling young pegasus filly that had just been brought home from the orphanage and into the pepper family. "...Maybe." She gently touched the face of her surrogate mother in the image. "Sometimes I wonder." Iron Lung came up beside her. "I think she would have been prou-" "Don't you say anything about her! You never knew her!" Cloud Pepper shrieked at him. Staggering, he shrank away from her. "Yes m-ma'am." When she gazed upon the fear in his eyes, her anger subsided. "Sorry Major." She turned back to the photo. "I should have retired four years ago when she passed, but none of the applicants these last couple years knew what it took to do the job." "And the four this year?" Iron Lung asked in earnest. Her face lit up with hope for a brief moment before returning to its painful frown. "We'll see. They're fine officers, but we both know what it truly takes. It's too bad I can't convince you to take it." "Hey! It's one thing to know the secret! It's another thing entirely to do what you do! I ain't got the spine for it." He lit up his horn with a brief pulse of energy. "Besides, it has to be a Wonderbolt. I'm just a doctor on loan to them." In the busy streets of Manehattan, an orange earth pony pulled her cart of produce to her destination. Upon reaching her destination, she was greeted at the door by a dark coated unicorn. "It's good to see you again Applejack," Chocolate Dust called with a strong smile. Her eyes show a hidden pain in them. "It's good to see ya too." Applejack unhooked her cart and let the restaurant staff start unloading it while they talked. "Ya still jittery about Lightning Dust?" "Yes!" Chocolate Dust went slightly limp as they shift from business to more personal topics. "How can't I be? It's no secret that course is grueling, but it's what she wants to do." "Aw, cheer up! Just another six weeks left." Applejack brought out a photo of Lightning Dust entering her delivery crate on the farm's front lawn. Lightning Dust had shaved her mane completely off and trimmed her tail to exact code length. Applejack gave the photo to Chocolate Dust. "Ya coming to Ponyville to greet her when she comes back home?" Chocolate Dust looked at the picture with a bittersweet smile. "I don't know. She doesn't come for the deliveries and she doesn't really have much to say to me when I visit. I'm not really sure if she would want me there." "Are you kiddin'?" Applejack looked at her with a raised set of eyebrows, a smirk and a glint in her eye. "Last thing she said to me before walking into that crate was that she made a promise to ya and that she was gonna keep it." "She's still doing that? I thought she took it back after..." Chocolate Dust returned her gaze back to the framed photo in her hooves with lowered ears. "All I remember was she asked ya to hold onto her money for her a bit longer after I mentioned we were plannin' on feeding her too. I didn't hear her say anythin' about takin' any promises back." Chocolate Dust caressed the edge of the photo. Her bittersweet smile shifted to more sweet than bitter. Two weeks later, Twenty Six was racing through a floating maze as it dropped slowly through the air. One of the many gas chambers keeping it aloft had been cut and it was a race against time to find as many pony sized dolls to rescue for points as they could. Once the maze dropped to low, the Honored Instructor would blow her whistle a second time. When this happened they would have to ditch the maze before it crashed. Otherwise, they had been ordered to see to it that as many dolls could be rescued in whatever way they saw fit. Holding a doll in each forehoof and one in her mouth by the nose, Twenty Six darted out of a hole and dropped the dolls in the circle with her number. That was probably the last full load she would get. The maze was sinking slower than expected, but she didn't have time to dwell on that. More points is what she needed. She had to act fast. Seven was now in the lead, though by how far only the Honored Instructor knew. Twenty was reduced to second place with Seventeen holding third. Thirty Five got sent to the hospital ward for over straining himself and was doomed to never return to the squadron. Thirteen had been dropped entirely from the rankings and now Forty Four held fifth place. Twenty Six had managed to hold her own in fourth place, but she still needed to push herself. Twenty Six bolted ahead and grabbed another doll, cutting off Seven in the process. 'It's everypony for themselves here,' she thought with a grim face. The dolls were becoming scarce and time was running out. She needed every point she could get to appease Officer Cloud Pepper. Playing fair wasn't an option anymore. Another squad member that was flying out of the maze in front of her hit a bar and dropped his doll. She dodged around him and grabbed the doll as it fell from his clutches. She deposited what was sure to be her last double load and raced back inside. A few moments passed as she darted around paths to find any missing dolls left. Just seconds after she grabbed another doll and exited the maze, the whistle blew. Behind her the sounds of devices dropping walls and retracting bars for easy maneuvering out could be heard behind her. Anypony still inside the maze at this point was expected to ditch the dolls and retreat. She got lucky on that last doll. She quickly deposited the last doll into the grasp of a unicorn assigned to assist that day. Once it was out of her grasp she dropped to the ground like every other cadet was doing. The ponies that were assigned to counting the dolls counted them quickly as they were being deposited. Then they gave the results to the booth keeping track of the scores. After a moment of cool down time for the cadets, the maze finally dropped to the ground gently while being partly suspended by the remaining chambers in the giant gas balloon above. The Honored Instructor gave the orders to update the scoreboard. It seemed like the entire squadron turned their heads in unison to look at the board. Twenty had reclaimed his position at the top. Seven had dropped to second place with... Twenty Six's jaw went slightly slack. She could hardly believe it! She was in third now. Forty Four now held fourth and... Three held fifth? 'That's not right. Where's Seventeen?' Twenty Six looked around. From what she could observe of Seventeen the last two weeks, she was probably the biggest threat to her in an exercise like this, how could she have been kicked clean off the list from third place? "Attention!" Cloud Pepper called to them. As they came to attention, Twenty six craned her eyes to look at Seventeen's circle though her flight goggles. The sand that should have been marred by the landing of dolls was completely undisturbed. 'She didn't manage to get any?' Looking at Seventeen herself, she could see she was panting heavier than anypony else. She could barely keep her stance up as sweat rolled down her face freely. There was so much of it Twenty Six could see a puddle of it clear from where she stood in the circle of cadets. 'What happened to-' Twenty Six was beginning to ponder, when she suddenly found herself staring directly into the eyes of her commanding officer. Snapping her eyes front, she knew it was useless. She was caught. Lieutenant Colonel Cloud Pepper had spied her glance though the protective haze of her goggles. A cold prickle shot down her spine then branched off into her legs and wings as she waited for what was to come. Cloud Pepper glared at her like she was trying to pry into her soul. She couldn't fully suppress her breathing as the moment seemed to stretch on forever. The Honored Instructor slowly pulled her head back, turned to eyeball the rest of the squadron and took an ever so brief pause at the direction of seventeen. She continued the lecture that Twenty Six hadn't been paying attention to thus far. "Now that I have all of your attention!" Cloud pepper spoke to the squad. "I will be assigning teams tomorrow! Since there is an odd number of cadets, either one of you will be stuck with an extra wing pony,-" She pointed to the far end of the grounds, where thirty eight still loaded delivery crates and one empty delivery crate had been moved to. "Or I will be sending one of you to the rejects' pin until we finally send you home!" Another shiver flowed through Twenty Six at the thought. Being on the list all but guaranteed her a spot on the teams, but that slip up might have cost her. She knew she was going to pay for it somehow. "Now get back in your crates and take off your jackets! You're all due for another shower!" Twenty Six lowered her ears as she followed orders. New dye had to be applied every couple of days to accommodate for hair and feather growth before any natural color could be seen and a shower inside their crates was the method of choice. The enchantment in the dye was weaker each time, but it wasn't any less pleasant. She has gone through the procedure multiple times already, but she knew she would never get used to it. If any ever showed through, it was the cadet's fault and disgrace would follow. Before she entered her crate, she exercised the privilege to look at the scoreboard briefly like many others did. 'Still, third place is better than fourth. I had to play dirty-' Her eyebrows furled into a scowl to match the frown on her face. '-but I'm one step closer now.' With that thought, she entered her crate. The doors closed and she got ready for the shower quickly. "I can do it major! I can!" Cloud Pepper retorted to him. Her stance was uneasy and the smell of vomit emanated from the trash bin. "No, you can't. You're slipping. I saw how you failed to reprimand her," Iron Lung snapped back. "If you try to go another year, you'll crack and the cadets will see it. The limit is there for a reason." "I don't care!" She stomped a hoof on the floor loudly. "I don't leave until a replacement is found!" "I admire the spirit ma'am, but let's face it. The equilibrium enhancement spell almost didn't last long enough for you to make it to the dizzitron this year." The two other majors behind him shifted uneasy as they saw the fire in her eyes. "Even if you put your heart and soul into it like you used to, your system can't take another year of enchantments. You have to retire or you'll lose your ability to fly." Her face became soft and her eyes lost focus as she collapsed to the floor. "I'm still a good flyer..." Her eyes began to water. Iron Lung came up to her. "Yes you are. You're as good as any Wonderbolt your age could hope to be, but if you're inner ears take another enchantment, your balance will go from perfectly fine to shattered. Even if the ten year limit wasn't in place, I couldn't give my medical approval." She placed her head against her friend's shoulder as she gave a loud snort. "I just don't want to be the first to make Princess Celestia appoint another." He placed a hoof on her shoulder to ease her shaking. "Hey, one of them might have the right stuff this year, but even if that isn't the case there is no shame in it. You'll have seen it through to the end. I'll support you 'till then." A moment passed and she stopped shaking. She slowly pulled her face out of his shoulder and gave a stress releasing sigh. "Now get some rest and stop worrying about it. It's literally making you sick." He gave her heartfelt smile that only an old war comrade could give. "Doctor's orders." Rainbow Dash flew into the inn's back door, which had been left open for her. "Sorry I'm late Serra!" she yelled out as she skidded to a halt on the kitchen floor. She barely stopped short of the reception room door, which was also left open. "What are you talking about Rainbow Dash?" Serra called from the stove. "If anything you're a little early." She stirred her dish for a moment. "I lost track of time and I... Oh!" Rainbow Dash lowered her head and smiled in embarrassment. "He-he... That's good then, right?" Serra stopped the timer from dinging and turned off the oven. "But since you are early, care to set the table?" "Sure..." Rainbow Dash flew up to the top cabinet and pulled out some plates. Her face looked troubled as she went about her task. Serra raised an eyebrow at this. "Stop worrying will you? There's only three weeks left," she said with a straight face. Rainbow Dash's head shot up from her task. "I'm not worried about Lightning Dust! What makes you think that?" Serra's face couldn't take it as a smile finally burst forth. "I didn't say anything about Lightning Dust." Rainbow Dash's eyes went wide, her ears went back and her jaw went slack. "I mean-" Her eyes darted back and forth. "I just-" Serra gave a hearty laugh then took a deep breath. "It's alright. I know you like to keep an image." She opened the cabinet for the cups, getting Rainbow Dash back on task. "But seriously, it was years ago. You're the only one keeping it up anymore." Rainbow Dash slumped with a blush and went to retrieve the cups. "I guess I am worried about her." She retrieved the cups and paused for a moment as if she had more to say. Instead she went back to the table and continued her task. "Worried she'll fail?" "No!" she retorted back with a sour glare. Serra wasn't even phased by this. She waited patiently, looking at her guest with questioning eyes. Rainbow Dash lost her glare and looked back at the table. She continued with a tone of melancholy. "I'm... I'm worried she'll pass." Serra cocked her head. Her smile showed both admiration and confusion. "You think she can do it?" she asked with mild shock. Rainbow Dash looked away from Serra. "Not exactly. She's not as strong as she used to be, but..." She shook her head for a moment and gave a huff. "She recovered from full plucking, got Princess Luna to adopt her almost on site-" She looked back at her host. "And she's taught a unicorn how to fly!" She shrank back at Serra's questioning, but otherwise deadpan stare. "Not that that's a bad thing." Rainbow Dash shook her head in a softer manner. "It's just that all my respect for her has been built on the fact she's she won't ever get back in. That's how she paid her debt." Her eyes scrunched shut for a moment. "The course is supposed to be impossible but she's done the impossible before." Her ears went limp as her eyes opened and look down at the floor, scanning for something to look at. "What do I do if she passes?" Serra turned off the burners and went over to Rainbow Dash. Lifting a hoof to the pegasus's chin, she directed her attention. "You've worked with her for years now. If that happens, you'll know it will be because she did it fair and square." She dropped her hoof. "I think you'll figure out what to do by then." 'I can't afford to play fair.' Twenty Six thought right as she butted Seven into her wing pony. This forced them into the wing pony ring, giving the points for passing through it to the wing of the team instead of the leader. Meanwhile, she blazed through the lead pony ring and gained another point for herself. 'Onto the next one, fast.' Seven looped around to go through the lead ring as well. She couldn't undo the point he had gained for her wing, but she could still get one for herself. It was a long way around the edge of the academy grounds to the next ring and she wasn't about to make all that time a complete waste. The orders for the squadron were a vague 'obtain as many points as possible' after the rules were explained. They were once again given freedom to choose how. Seventeen was assigned to Twenty Six as her wing pony the week before. Even though it turned sour in the last graded exercise, it hadn't cost her her position at third somehow. Still, she wasn't about to let her partner drag her down again. If she wanted to have Cloud Pepper's approval, she had to fit the bill. It was the only way Cloud Pepper might give her what she needed. It tore at her morals, but she just had to do it. It was that important to her. Nothing else could let her achieve her goals. She zoomed as fast as she could through the potentially infinite number of laps available within the twenty minute time limit. She hadn't lapped anypony yet. They were all doing the same thing as her; pushing for as many points as they could. Despite this, she was pretty much in the lead. She pushed through the old pain of the child's flight that was creeping back into her wings. She had ditched her wing pony right from the start. The teams were really just a formality due to the scores still being counted up separately. A lap's points wouldn't count if a pony didn't fly through at least one of the two rings positioned at every quarter of a lap in order. The wing ponies were ditching their leads and flying through their own rings anyway. Nopony bothered following orders to fly through the lead rings with their leaders. As she turned around a building that acted as a corner for the track, she saw a wing pony turning upward into a loop. She had just exited the next lead pony ring and was looping around to pass through the wing pony ring. She must have been knocked off course. As she came closer she saw the number Seventeen on the barrel just before the pony dived through her own ring and the whistle blew. 'I know Cloud Pepper paired me with her on purpose. Maybe as a punishment?' Twenty Six thought as her ears went flat. She landed and looked at the scoreboard going blank to take in the new tally. 'Still, I wonder if it's possible. Could-' "Listen up numskulls!" the Honored Instructor called to them as they gathered, redirecting Twenty six's thoughts. "Next week is your final test! Since the lot of you are too thick to get the hint and leave by now, I am required to accommodate you on this last attempt! Your rations will be increased and your exercises will be reduced! Get your strength back because you will need every last ounce of it this time next week! I will have no excuses for you not giving your best performance!" She turned to the board and gave the command. "Update the scores and unlock the crates!" Twenty Six stood there for a moment after seeing the scoreboard show that she held second place behind Twenty. 'That couldn't be right. My score couldn't be that much higher than Seven's. How did I-' "Move it! Move it!" the Honored Instructor screamed in her ear. Twenty Six jumped slightly at the reprimand and did a hasty trot to her crate. 'Whatever. I shouldn't be complaining. Just one step away now.' * * * Later that night, Twenty Six laid in the bed part of her personal barracks. She should have been sleeping, but a question nagged her mind. 'What's the secret to the grading method? I gotta figure it out. There's only one test left.' She lifted her head and lightly slammed it against her bunk. 'There's no way I'll get through this without it. What is it!?'