Mystery Night in Ponyville

by Insert Pen Name

Part IV: New Leads

Rarity watched in morbid fascination as Twilight Sparkle stuffed yet another oatburger, dripping with grease and ketchup, into her eagerly waiting maw. Rarity's own plate of onion rings lay mostly untouched, so engrossed was she with the uncouth spectacle before her.

"She eats like a pig," she heard Rainbow Dash whisper off to her right.

"Nah. Pigs tend to chew," replied Applejack with clinical detachment. "I reckon she eats more like a duck."

"She does have the wings for it," giggled Pinkie Pie.

"You know, I can hear you," growled Twilight through a mouthful of hayfries.

Rarity quickly recovered herself with a shudder.

"Right," she said, mentally groping about for something else to occupy her mind. "Now that we're all, er, well fed, what should our next objective be?"

"I'm not sure," said Fluttershy meekly. "We seem to be all out of leads."

"All we know is that the Mayor was drunk last night, and she somehow made somepony mad enough to hit her over the head with her own painting," grumbled Rainbow Dash. "Anypony could've done it."

"There has to be some clue we can pick up on," said Twilight.

"Well, if this were a detective story, this would be the part where the hero gets an unexpected tip-off that puts him on the right track," suggested Spike.

There was an anxious pause, as if everypony was secretly hoping for an informant to conveniently materialise from thin air and prove Spike right, but there occurred nothing of the sort.

"I have to use the little fillies' room," Pinkie Pie declared suddenly. "Be right back."

And with a flourish of her little red hat, she was off.

For the sake of plot relevance, respect for privacy, and general good taste, the scope of Pinkie Pie's ablutions will not be narrated here. What happened afterwards, however, was very plot relevant. As Pinkie Pie leaned over the restroom sink, the two toilet stalls on either side of hers silently opened, and their occupants slowly crept up behind the unsuspecting detective. When Pinkie Pie looked back up, she found herself staring into the reflections of three mares, specifically herself and two near-identical periwinkle pegasi with matching fedoras.

"Hi Flitter! Hi Cloudchaser!" said Pinkie to the two reflections.

"Hello, Pinkie Pie," said Flitter gruffly. "Fancy meeting you in here."

"I know, right? What are the odds that we'd all be in the same bathroom together?"

"About one in six, I'd say," shrugged Cloudchaser. "We were hoping to nab Fluttershy, but you'll do."

"We've got a message for you and your friends," said Flitter.

"Oooh, is it a super special secret message?" asked Pinkie excitedly.

"Something like that," said Flitter with a dark grin.

"Word is you girls are trying to dig up dirt on the Mayor," said Cloudchaser as she and her twin began to close in. "And our boss, well, he's not too happy about that."

"Not happy at all," echoed Flitter with a sarcastic shake of her head.

"So here's the deal," continued Cloudchaser." You girls lay off the Mayor, and we'll all play nice, got it?"

Pinkie tapped her chin pensively for a moment before realisation dawned on her with an accompanying 'ding' sound.

"Oh, oh, ohhh, I get it. You two are threatening us!"

"What? No, no, we're not threatening you... are we?" asked Flitter.

"Actually, we totally are," replied Cloudchaser.

"Huh. I kinda feel all bad now."

"Deal with it," said Cloudchaser bluntly before turning back to Pinkie. "So yeah, the point is, stay away from the Mayor, or else. Got it, Pinks?"

Pinkie Pie broke into a broad grin.

"Oh I got it alright..."

Meanwhile, out in the restaurant, Rainbow Dash had just experienced a minor epiphany.

"Great, now I gotta go."

"Find out what's keepin' Pinkie Pie while ye'r at it," Applejack called after her as she made for the restroom. "Make sure she didn't fall in or nothin'."

Unamused, Rainbow ignored Applejack's comment, pushed open the restroom door, and stopped dead at the sight of what lay beyond.

"Hi Dashie!" chirped Pinkie Pie from atop the struggling form of a prostrate pegasus.

"Pinkie Pie?! What the blueberry fu-"

"You better be about to say 'fudge'," warned Pinkie.

From beneath Pinkie Pie's triumphant hooves, Flitter and Cloudchaser stared at Rainbow in terror. The two pegasus twins had been gagged with paper towels, and their limbs had been hogtied with something pink and sugary.

"Is that... bubblegum tape?" asked Rainbow in bewilderment.

"Yep!"

"Okay, I'm seriously afraid to ask, but why do you have Flitter and Cloudchaser tied up with bubblegum tape on the bathroom floor?"

"They was tryin' to jank me!"

"Huh?"

"They were trying to scare us away from the Mayor!" explained Pinkie Pie. "They told me 'stay away from the Mayor, or else'. Somepony doesn't want us on the case!"

"Seriously?!"

"Super-duper seriously!"

Rainbow cast a stern eye over the two would-be thugs. She wasn't sure which was more outlandish; that somepony would actually try and send hired goons after her and her friends (what with one of them being a princess and all), or that they would send Flitter and Cloudchaser of all ponies.

"I was about to start interrogating them," continued Pinkie. "Wanna help out?"

Rainbow considered this for a moment before breaking into a devilish grin.

"Count me in..."

"Honestly, whatever can be keeping those two?" Rarity wondered aloud as a stray onion ring landed upon the table next to her.

"Knowin' them two, I'd rather not think on it too hard," chuckled Applejack.

"What's that supposed to mean?" asked Twilight.

"I'm just sayin', when R.D. and Pinkie Pie get together, that usually spells trouble."

"Obviously," sniffed Rarity. "Though to be fair, trouble seems to rear its proverbial head whenever any of us get together."

"Besides," Fluttershy giggled softly. "It's just the bathroom. What's the worst they could be doing?"

Flitter watched in abject horror as Pinkie Pie held her struggling sister over the lip of the porcelain throne. Rainbow dash stood nearby, leaning nonchalantly against the cistern as she contemplated her next move.

"So here's the deal," explained Rainbow. "We're gonna' ask you a question, and you're gonna' give us an answer."

"And no fibbing!" added Pinkie Pie.

"That's right. And Pinkie's real good at telling when somepony's lying."

"I am?"

"Sure, whatever. Point is, we don't like the answer you give us, and you get a nice wet welcome from Swirlyville!"

Rainbow's threat was easily illustrated by a simple press of the cistern lever. Cloudchaser's eyes widened in terror as she stared into that fearsome vortex, but somehow she remained resolute.

"You won't get anything out of me!" she cried.

"That's okay, you're not the pony we're talking to," said Dash airily before turning her attention to Flitter. "So, Flitter, ready for question-one?"

Flitter gulped.

"Don't tell her anything!" yelled Cloudchaser. "If we talk, we don't get paid!"

Cloudchaser suddenly choked on the realisation of what she had just uttered.

"Well, that's half an answer," said Rainbow with a dark chuckle. "You got anything to add, Flitter?"

Trembling, Flitter shook her head. Disappointed, Rainbow turned to Pinkie and nodded once. In response, Pinkie tilted her head questioningly and nodded back. In response to that, Rainbow sighed and nodded again, more forcefully this time. And in response to that, Pinkie nodded back in comprehension and promptly plunged Cloudchaser's head screaming into the toilet bowl. Grinning, Rainbow reached for the cistern lever...

"Wait!"

All eyes turned to Flitter.

"F-Filthy Rich," said Flitter glumly. "Filthy Rich sent us."

"Filthy Rich?" repeated Rainbow. "Like, the Filthy Rich? What the hay does he have to do with any of this?"

"I don't know," said Flitter straight away.

Rainbow stared apprehensively at her for a moment.

"You might want to take a breath, Cloud," she said finally.

"... and that's when Caramel grabbed the potato peeler," Spike concluded his bizarre story. "You should've seen the place afterwards!"

"That's disgusting," groaned Twilight as another onion ring landed on the table. "And who the crap keeps throwing onion rings at us?!"

Twilight spun around to face the table behind her, where sat three shady-looking mares in appropriately shady-looking hats and trench-coats. Pleased that they had captured their attention, the three mares waved as if beckoning them to come over.

"What in tarnation...?" murmured Applejack.

"You'd best see what they want, darling. They are dressed for your genre, after all," suggested Rarity, gesturing at Applejack's own noir ensemble.

Applejack sighed in annoyance, but nonetheless stood up and plodded over to where the three mares sat. Even without looking at them, she had a fairly good idea who they were.

"Howdy Daisy, Lily, Roseluck," Applejack said flatly.

"Shhh!" hissed Daisy. "You're gonna' blow our cover!"

"What cover? Y'all are sittin' in the middle of a burger joint flippin' onion rings at us!"

"We had to get your attention somehow," explained Lily.

"Ya coulda' just come up and said 'howdy'."

"Too many witnesses," said Roseluck.

"Uh-huh. Is there a reason I'm talkin' to y'all right now?"

"We heard you girls are working the Mayor case," said Daisy.

"Word is you haven't had much luck," added Lily. "Seriously, chasing Derpy Hooves around?"

"We had a lead with her," snapped Applejack. "Y'all got a better one?"

"As a matter of fact, we do," said Roseluck.

With a flourish, the meddling florist whipped an envelope out from under her coat and tossed it to Applejack. Opening it revealed a single sheet of folded paper, upon which was written a list of names that took up half the page.

"It seems our Mayor has a pretty active social life," explained Daisy.

"It gets lonely at the top," Lily added with a shrug.

"So what, these are all ponies she's dated?" asked Applejack in bewilderment.

"That's right," nodded Roseluck. "Each and every pony that was seen in her company over the last couple of months."

"Now, we're not jumping to any conclusions here," began Daisy.

"But I'd be willing to bet the farm that one of those ponies is your perp," finished Lily.

"Huh. And how'd y'all come by this information?" asked Applejack.

"We have our ways," said Roseluck.

Applejack rolled her eyes, but nonetheless tipped her hat to the three mares before returning to her friends at their table. As she sat down, she caught sight of two periwinkle pegasus mares fleeing the restroom, followed closely by none other than Rainbow Dash and Pinkie Pie themselves, both wearing the same mischievous grins that their friends had long come to expect as a result of their collaborations.

"What're you two so happy about?" asked Spike as they all sat back down.

"You're not going to believe this, but Pinkie and I just found a new lead in the case!" declared Rainbow.

"Well ain't that funny, I got one too!" laughed Applejack, laying Roseluck's list on the table. "Seems our Mayor was mighty keen on the datin' scene. Them flower girls are snoopy as all get out, but I reckon they're on to somethin' here."

"Oooh, is Filthy Rich on that list?" asked Pinkie Pie.

"Filthy Rich?" Applejack scanned the list quickly. "Er, no, he's not. Why him?"

"Apparently, he's not too comfortable about our little investigation," explained Rainbow. "He just sent Flitter and Cloudchaser to try and muscle us off the case."

"Wait, what?! When did this happen?" asked Twilight.

"In the bathroom," answered Pinkie brightly.

"Do we even want to know?" asked Rarity.

"We'll spare you the gritty details," chuckled Rainbow. "But yeah, there's totally something going on with the Mayor that he doesn't want us to find out."

"Wow," said Spike. "We were hoping for one good lead, and now we have two!"

"Goodness, which should we try and follow first?" asked Fluttershy.

Twilight thought for a good long moment before answering.

"It's hard to say which lead is more promising," she began slowly. "All our evidence points to a heat-of-the-moment attack, so a lovers' quarrel with one of the ponies on that list does sound pretty likely... But on the other hoof, Filthy Rich is definitely trying to hide something, and even if it isn't related, it probably isn't anything good either."

"Funny, he never struck me as a crook," muttered Applejack. "Greasy as fried hay, mind ya, but pretty harmless underneath."

"Some ponies are good at hiding who they really are," said Rarity. "Believe me, darling, I know that all too well."

"So what's it gonna' be, Twilight?" asked Spike.

After another moment's consideration, Twilight made her decision.

"We'll check both leads. Rainbow Dash, Pinkie Pie, and I will head back to Town Hall and see what we can dig up on Filthy Rich. Applejack, Rarity, and Fluttershy will take that list and start questioning every pony the Mayor dated. Spike, you'll go with them. Sound like a plan?"

Six voices cheered to the affirmative.

"It's settled, then. Come on Rainbow, Pinkie, let's move out!"

"Y'all have fun now," laughed Applejack as the three ponies galloped (and bounced) out into the snowy streets. "Anyhow, let's take a look at this here list."

"I suppose we're going to have to work through each pony one-by-one?" sighed Rarity.

"It's the only way to be sure," said Fluttershy. "We may as well get started. Who's first on the list, Spike?"

"Let's see here...," muttered Spike, struggling to read Roseluck's substandard hoofwriting. "First on the list is..."

"Bulkie?!" gasped Fluttershy.

"YYYEEEAAAHHH!!!" roared the impossibly muscled white pegasus as he slammed a truly massive set of weights back onto its frame. "Oh hey Fluttershy. What's up?"

"Oh, um, well you see-"

"Hold on, did you dye your hair?" asked Bulk Biceps.

"Er, well I-I-"

"Looks good. Normally I don't go for dyed manes, but I like yours," said Bulkie with a gentle smile.

Fluttershy said nothing to that, but her strawberry-blonde mane was soon matched by her cheeks. Rarity couldn't help but to giggle.

"Alright now, you two, we do have a case to solve. Mr. Biceps, might we trouble you to answer some questions for us?"

"Fire away," said Bulkie as he reached for his drink bottle. "Hey, you girls wanna' try some juice?"

"What kind?" asked Applejack.

"Not really sure, actually. Some funky tropical stuff that zebra-lady out in the Forest makes. Makes you feel freakin' alive y'know?"

Bulkie demonstrated by taking a long pull at his bottle.

"Yyyeeeaaahhh!!!"

"Oh my," quavered Fluttershy.

"Ya might wanna' be careful there, Bulkie," said Applejack. "I hear that stuff does funny things to yer wings."

"Hey, do I look like I got funny wings to you?" challenged Bulkie.

"I hadn't considered it," laughed Applejack.

"Let's not get off-topic, now," interjected Rarity. "Mr. Biceps, it has come to our attention that you may, at one point, have been romantically involved with Mayor Mare. Is this correct?"

Bulkie snorted disdainfully.

"Yeah, that's right. I wouldn't call it, 'romantic', though. Anyway, it was, like, over a month ago. I'd almost forgot about it until you brought it up."

Fluttershy seemed to brighten up at that comment, but Rarity pressed on as Spike scribbled frantically on his notepad.

"What happened, exactly? Did it end poorly?"

"Naw, Bulkie treats the ladies right, y'know? But yeah, she and I were at the bar one night, and we got to talking. She asks me if I'd like to see her there again some other night, and I said 'sure, why not?' So we met up again the night after, and we got wasted together, and then she starts comin' on to me. Like, really comin' on to me."

Fluttershy found this particularly distressing.

"Did you...?"

"Naw, I let her down easy," said Bulkie. "She wasn't my type. Bulkie only dates authentic ladies, dig? And Mayor Mare, she's about as real as a three-bit coin. So no, we weren't 'romantically involved', end of story."

"Oh. Good," said Fluttershy, suppressing a smirk.

"Anyway, I gotta get back to my reps," said Bulkie. "Later, girls, Fluttershy, little dragon-dude."

As Bulk Biceps returned to his loud exercises, our protagonists returned to their list.

"Scratch 'Bulk Biceps' off," muttered Spike as he did just that.

"I knew it wasn't him," said Fluttershy.

"Sure ya did," said Applejack with a roll of her eyes. "So who's next, Spike?"

"Next on the list is..."

"Savoir Faire!" called Rarity.

"Ah, Madame Rarity!" beamed a fancy-accented earth-stallion as he hurried over to the table. "How might I be of service to you and your friends? And might I compliment you all on your attire?"

"Ye should see our other friends," chuckled Applejack. "Anyhow, d'ya mind if we ask ya a few questions?"

"But of course! Some concern about the menu, non?" asked the waiter politely.

"It's more of a personal query, actually..." ventured Rarity.

"Word is you made it with the Mayor a few weeks back," said Applejack bluntly. "Mind spillin' the beans on what went down?"

A single errant hair in Savoir's oiled blue mane suddenly sprang loose.

"Tabarnac!" he swore, his impeccable accent suddenly replaced by something more gutteral. "Who told?"

"A little bird, what's it matter?" smirked Applejack.

"It was one of those flower girls wasn't it?" snarled Savoir in his new accent. "They're always snooping around here in the evenings..."

"Monsieur Faire!" gasped Rarity suddenly. "Whatever happened to your voice?!"

"Heh, that's what she said," deadpanned the waiter.

"Er, pardon me?"

"That's what she said. The Mayor. That's exactly what she said to me when I went to pick her up."

"Well, what did happen to your voice?" asked Fluttershy gently.

"Is it really that hard to figure out?" snorted Savoir. "This is my voice!"

A collective gasp answered this monumental revelation.

"You mean the fancy accent's just an act?!" asked Applejack.

"But of course!" replied Savoir in a bitter exaggeration of his usual accent. "You don't become maitre-d'hotel at the classiest eatery in Ponyville by sounding like some canoe-dragging barbarian out of the wild north! And apparently you don't pick up many mares either; as soon as Madame Mayor realised I wasn't her fancy cheval de reve, she called it off right then and there."

"She dumped you because of how your voice sounds?!" said Fluttershy in astonishment.

"That's just low," said Applejack. "Bet that ticked you off somethin' fierce..."

"Haah," Savoir spat. "If you're hoping to pin me for last night, don't bother; I was here until near midnight. The cook will back me up."

"Good to know," said Spike as he jotted down notes. "One more thing: what were you two planning on doing together before she dumped you?"

"We were going to a bar," answered Savoir. "Some place with a dance-floor. 'The Brass Briddle', I think it's called, I'm not sure. Now if you will excuse me..."

Without another word, Savoir Faire turned and left to attend to another, less accusative patron. Spike sighed and crossed his name off the list as well.

"Two down," he said. "Next on the list is..."

"Hey, hey! T'sup, Ponyville! This is D.J. Pon3, comin' to you loud and proud with two, scratch that, three hours of non-stop commercial-free music here on Ponyville 800 EKLW! Up first, we've got Cranky Doodle and the Froggy-Bottom Boys with 'Mule of Constant Sorrow'!"

The rapid chords of an acoustic guitar filled the studio as the neon-maned D.J. set aside her mic and headphones before turning to address her visitors.

"Sorry to keep you guys waiting," she said.

"Don't sweat it," replied Spike. "Thanks for agreeing to meet with us, D.J. Pon3."

"Please, I'm off duty; call me 'Vinyl'. And hey, anything for you girls," she added, grinning at Rarity, Applejack, and Fluttershy. "You fillies are, like, superheroes or something. Heck, I should be interviewing you instead of that stuck-up Mayor."

"Yes, well, that's actually what we wanted to discuss with you," explained Rarity. "We're investigating into last night's 'incident', you see..."

"Yeah, that was pretty nuts," Vinyl nodded. "I mean, she's totally playing it up for sympathy points, but then again, I'd be pretty freaked out of somepony just came in here and tapped me on the head, so go figure. You gonna catch the dude who did it?"

"We're workin' on it," said Applejack. "But first, we'd like to know about yer other recent encounter with the Mayor."

A raised eyebrow appeared above Vinyl's signature shades, but comprehension soon brought it back down again.

"Oh... that."

"We're not accusing you, Vinyl," coaxed Fluttershy. "We just want to know what happened, that's all."

"Yeah, yeah. I was working a gig about a month ago at this bar, 'The Brass Bit'. Decent place. Anyway, I went on break and out of nowhere I run into Mayor Mare, all dressed to kill..."

An amused grin crossed Vinyl's face.

"So we get to talking and she offers to buy me a drink. I say 'Buck yeah!', she buys me a fancy cocktail, and we're just shootin' the breeze together, real cool... but then she starts sliding up to me and stuff, and I'm like 'Whoa, easy there, girl', but she keeps coming on to me and it's getting real awkward real fast."

"Yer barn door don't wing that way, eh?" teased Applejack.

"My barn door swings every way," Vinyl teased back. "But yeah, I'm actually spoken for, so..."

"Ah, who's the lucky stallion?" asked Rarity, eager for gossip.

"She's up in Canterlot," said Vinyl. "You want to know more, take it up with Mr. Mind-Your-Own Business. Anyway, back on topic, I try to let her down easy, but she's pretty loaded up at this point and ponies are starting to stare. Lucky for me, it was time for my next set, so I was able to get out of there without making any more of a scene. By the time I was done again, she was already gone."

"That must've made things awkward this mornin'," noted Applejack.

"We've sort of got an understanding between us," said Vinyl sheepishly. "A far as either of us are concerned, it never happened."

The rest of their interviews availed them little more information than what Bulkie, Savoir, and Vinyl had provided. They met with over a dozen different ponies, most of them stallions (some of whom were even single), and though the details varied, the basic narrative remained depressingly consistent: the Mayor would accost them at the bar, or arrange a date thereof at an earlier meeting, and events would inevitably spiral downhill from there, ending with a general awkwardness for all those involved. In fact, by the time they reached the most recent name on the list, Applejack had already worked their responses out to a science.

"Big Mac!" she shouted as her surprised sibling exited the barn with a sack of oats slung over his back. "We got a bone to pick with ya!"

"Mmmm?" asked Big Macintosh.

"That's right..." she said, advancing upon her older brother before suddenly jumping right to business. "Y'were at the bar about a week back?"

"Eeyup."

"Brass Bit?"

"Eeyup."

"Mayor come up to ya?"

"Eeyup."

"Piss-drunk?"

"Eeyup."

"Tried to come on to ya?"

"Eeyup."

"Weren't havin' none of it?"

"Nope."

"Cheerilee?"

"Eeyup."

"Good to hear, thanks a lot, Big Bro."

Their interview concluded, the group retired to the nearby warmth of Applejack's living room.

"Well this was a big ol' waste o' time," she grumbled.

"Surely one of those ponies must have struck you as suspicious?" ventured Rarity.

"Only thing any o' them ponies struck me as was embarrassed," replied Applejack. "Nopony ever got violent over an awkward date, 'specially not two weeks after the fact."

"One of them could've been lying," suggested Spike, thoughtfully twirling his little mustache. "Problem is, we don't have any other witnesses."

"Actually, that's not true," piped up Fluttershy. "What was one thing each of those bad dates had in common?"

Applejack was in no mood to guess anything and merely gave Fluttershy an urging look.

"They were all at the same bar!" said Fluttershy. "The 'Brass Bit'. I'm sure somepony there must have seen the Mayor with one of her dates. Maybe they saw or heard something useful."

"Seems like a bit of a long-shot, Fluttershy," said Applejack, not unkindly.

"It's not like we have any other leads to follow," countered Rarity. "We might as well see it through."

As they ventured forth yet again into the snowy autumn afternoon, Spike suddenly stopped and frowned pensively to himself.

"Is something the matter, Spike?" asked Fluttershy.

"Nah, just thinking," he said. "I just really started wondering how Twilight and the rest are doing..."