Virtuous Desperado

by Dumakey93


Chapter 2

She sat down on all fours, and waited patiently for me to say something.

“Well? Aren’t you going to talk?”

I continued staring at the walls in the home, paying no mind to her questions. I drew a sigh, and decided to look her in the face, where she had an eyebrow raised.

“You done trying to ignore me?”

I rolled my eyes, “Maybe....are you done asking me stupid questions?”

The purple pony turned red, as she muttered something about me being a jerk. After a long pause, she said to me, “For your information, my name is Twilight Sparkle. I am a unicorn, and...what are you doing?”

It seemed that she had noticed me cracking my knuckles. While there was a long pause again, I filled it my making popping sounds from my joints.

“That’s gross...”
I smirked, “If you don’t like it, then get out.”

Twilight then stormed out of her home, and out towards some castle. It appeared my plan worked, she was very irritable, so I used that to my advantage. It seemed Twilight lacked basic knowledge of sarcasm.

I rummaged through book after book, to find out where I was, and who exactly ruled the place. Whilst searching, I heard a rustle from upstairs, as two scaly feet descended the stairs.

“Twilight, aren’t you s-”

The dragon-like figure paused as he saw me. He looked nervous, as sweat rolled down his neck. He quickly regained his composure, as he firmly asked, “Who are you, and what are you doing here?”

“I am here to collect a certain debt, that must be paid in a year’s time.”
“What? I thought Princess Celestia didn’t tax us...”
“Princess Celestia, huh? Interesting....since she is a princess, there must be a king or queen, right?”
“No, Princess Celestia is our ruler, along with Princess Luna, of course.”
“Hmm...it seems you are quite talkative...”

He shut up, as I turned my right side to him, showing my firearm. It took him a few seconds to realize the danger he was in. He backed up quickly, knocking over a bookshelf. Hundreds of books fell on him, as the shelf landed on him with a dull thud. There seemed to be no reason left to stay there, as the only thing I could talk to was knocked out. Upon further inspection, he had broken his right arm, not that I was an expert in a medical field.

I adjusted my belt tightly, as they jingled I thought of what the demon said before. “He said to kill off a ruler, but there are two of them. That being said, it’s probably this ‘Celestia’ I need to get.” I paced for around a minute, pondering why I’d have to kill anyone who rules such a peaceful place. The obvious answer would be that the demons wanted to rule Equestria, and enslave its inhabitants. That seemed too cut and dry, but it was all I had to go on.

I walked over to a book labeled ‘Diary’ it appeared to be written by Twilight. Judging from the purple engravings, it must be her. I flipped the cover and saw her and a dragon hugging, in a way a mother does her child. The dragon in the photograph was the one knocked out cold under the self. I refused to look further, not wanting to see what stupid ramblings Twilight had written.

I grabbed a nearby quill, and dipped it in a glass bowl of ink. With my best handwriting, I wrote:

Dear Twilight,

Sorry about your little dragon under the bookshelf, he wouldn’t shut up. How do you tolerate such a brat? By the time you read this, I’ll be “visiting” your “Princess”, we’ll have a nice...long...chat...
Sincerely, Biggus Dickus

P.S. No one loves you....

Upon finishing my ‘masterpiece’ I neatly placed it in front of the door, as I walked outside. It appeared to be around sunset, as I yawned and stretched my legs. It appeared that I had gotten off to a bad start to my task, but I didn’t care for small details like that. The important thing was that there still was a job I needed to do.

After an hour of walking, I came upon a little cottage, with a chicken coop. This seemed like a wonderful place to stop for the night, as my limbs were tired. I walked over to the coop, and looked inside, nothing. Why would someone have a place for chickens if you don’t have any to begin with? In any case, I was about to leave when I heard movement from the bushes in the nearby forest.

I dove inside the cramped chicken coop, and waited for whatever came out. A yellow pegasus quietly flew across the sky and landed in front of the cottage. She was singing some tune, one that I heard before, not seeing me. I watched her open the door, as she walked in with a smile on her face. I slowly crawled out of my hiding place, and wiped off the chicken excrement that was on my legs. Moving silently, I inched towards the front door of the cottage. The pegasus was still singing that song, now I knew what it was. It was modified somewhat, but I heard ‘Amazing Grace’ as clear as a bell. Her voice was truly wonderful, that I couldn’t deny.

I hesitated opening the door, fearing that I’d have to kill an innocent pony. I never had a thing for killing animals in the first place, let alone today. I drew out my gun, and swallowed in my shame, as I kicked down the door.

She was taken aback by the loud boom and covered her eyes in fear. I aimed the gun at her, as I went to press the trigger. My hands were shaking, and I appeared to be hyperventilating. I knew that if I killed this creature rashly, I would pay for it. I slowly lowered my gun, and placed it in its holster. I slowly stepped towards her, and said in a calm voice, “It’s alright, there’s no need to be afraid, I won’t hurt you...” The yellow pegasus lowered her hooves, and looked me straight in the eyes. The cutest blue eyes stared into mine. I gasped, as I felt like my heart exploded from the enormous amount of cuteness.

I staggered across the room, as I didn’t want to meet her gaze, she calmly trotted over to me. She spoke, “Um...are you...alright?” I simply was astounded at the creature, how could anything be this cute? I felt my heart go a second time, as I passed out from sheer adorableness.