The news spread far more slowly than she’d thought it would, but spread it did. Like good peanut butter over the world’s biggest slice of bread, the article slowly oozed out over the Equestrian press landscape. Although it wasn’t until the Manehatten Times decided to slip Sweetie Belle a packet for her work and purchase ‘exclusive’ rights to the story that things really took off.
The article hit every major paper in Equestria, and most of the minor ones. For a little while, Twilight toyed with the idea of suing all of the papers who didn’t buy the rights from Sweetie just for the giggles. But, well, that was the Time’s job now, and she had bigger cannolis to stuff. For a little while - a couple of weeks, really - the bizarre interview and analysis of it dominated the headlines. And for once, Twilight was thoroughly amused by the results.
Someponies thought it was part of an elaborate conspiracy to do… something. Twilight’s favorite was the supposed plot to resurrect Nightmare Moon as a child and use her power to seize control of the Equestrian government through cuteness and what the papers were calling ‘feels tactics’. (An idea so absurd it had actually made her laugh for a full three hours. She’d spent the time coming up with hilariously bizarre stories about said child on some of the holidays in Equestria and how Luna would likely react to her existence…)
Spike had gotten awfully fond of the one where she was going to become a supervillain and force everyone to read boring, stuffy history books all day until they worshipped her as a goddess. He’d also taken to calling her the Libmareian and getting extra chores for doing so. But the best one, even if Twilight didn’t like it as much, was the one where it was apparently part of an elaborate scheme to make herself Celestia’s wife. The Princess hadn’t stopped calling her cute pet names in her letters since THAT one hit the pages.
Some had rightfully deduced that she’d been mocking the Equestrian press, and had taken to writing lengthy and naval gazing articles on the importance of a free press in Equestria. Some of them had even decided to use this opportunity to snipe at their competition, which had turned into weeks-long wars of ‘opinion pieces’ which amounted to snowball fights via ink and paper. Soon enough, her name was all but forgotten as an all-out war between opinion piece writers raged across the pages. The sheer variety of insults and namecalling involved was astonishing, even for somepony as well read as she was.
And as for others? Well, one couldn’t get everything one wanted. While most of the major papers were now dealing with ridiculous conspiracy theories and editorial wars the rest of them had gone back to regular news, wisely deciding to remain above the fray. The smaller papers, however, had decided to redouble their efforts. Apparently, her story had sold very well in many smaller markets like Ponyville. Equally apparently, small town ponies loved their new princess so much that when it was confirmed she was as insane as they were, they wanted to know more about her and thus had sent scads of low-level local reporters to find out..
So while the crowd of reporters outside had gotten decidedly smaller and less nosy, there was still a crowd. Worse still, they were now actually being extremely polite and friendly with her whenever she passed by. Catcalling stupid questions and even stupider opinions at her in the hopes of brewing up some funny. They’d even set up an authorized tent city outside the boundaries of her castle property, and had started to talk to her as though she was an acquaintance rather than a Princess. It was maddening.
How was she supposed to get rid of a bunch of ponies who were being so NICE to her!? It wasn’t like the crazy conspiracy theorists who kept trying to break into the castle. Those ones she could imprison or ship off to Canterlot for trial. These ones had been baking her brownies! And bringing her news about small town Equestrian culture! And asking her if she’d found a special somepony to settle down with!
Those were the most numerous questions, actually. The crowd of small reporters had taken to betting and speculation as to who she would inevitably end up married or mated to in town. Morbid curiosity had turned up the astonishing fact that a lot of them were secretly pulling for one of her five closest friends, with the next most popular choices being Spike or Discord. (Big Macintosh and her brother were apparently darkpony candidates amongst some of the female reporters. Which was simultaneously disturbing and a little strange.)
None of this would have bugged her if it wasn’t well known that Rainbow Dash had put down fifty bits on herself to win and that Fluttershy had made a bet, but nopony knew who she’d put money down on. Word was that Princess Celestia had even gotten in on the action, and the strange and bizarre fascination with her personal relationships was starting to grow in Canterlot as an amusing sideshow.
For a while, Princess Twilight had contemplated moving out to the Castle of the Two Sisters and hiding there until this all blew over. Surely it would only take a century or two. Maybe she could spend her time figuring out how to make all of her friends Immortal so she’d have somepony around to talk to.
Though she’d probably have to make them Alicorns for that, which was really a terrible idea. And really, what moron would think her and her entire group of friends as Alicorns would be an interesting or even GOOD idea? Applejack would probably lose her hat over having wings and a horn all of a sudden, and that wasn’t even getting started on what insanity Pinkie Pie might be able to get up to. She wasn’t even going to get into Rarity, Period.
But whatever. She couldn’t run away from her problems. And really, where would she run TO? Where the buck would she go? Roam? Cloudsdale? An alternate universe? Actually that last one wasn’t such a bad notion, she was pretty sure she could cook up a spell or two. Maybe she could go to someplace where Trixie was the heroine of everything and Twilight could finally get some bucking peace and quiet…
Feh, that was an even worse idea. Who knew where she might end up if she did go somewhere? Probably somepony’s depraved fantasy universe with bad original characters as the villains and an author who couldn’t admit when they had written absolute drek. Ugh. She’d deal. Somehow. Knock Knock Knock Well, at least the Mail was still on time. Who knew, maybe one of today’s papers would be extra entertaining.
Twilight swung open the window to greet her Mailmare, the golden-maned pegasus with an unconquerable smile. “Morning, Dee.” She chirruped, and got a big grin from her. Her mailmare was a small shaft of sunlight on a gloomy day every time Twilight saw her. What sort of life she had, Twilight didn’t really know, but whatever badness she went through she always found a way to smile about it.
“Morning Miz Twilight!” And Miz Twilight she would forever be to her Mailmare. Wings or no wings, castle or no castle. The mail was the mail, and she was Miz Twilight upon her mail forever and aye. “Got your usual packet here, plus a few other bits and bobs. Mostly junk.” Her Mailmare knew how much she didn’t like to be bothered with junk mail, and usually just disposed of it somehow. It was a small comfort in a world full of big uncomfortables. She hoofed over the heavy bundle of papers and magazines, plus what little mail didn’t qualify as junk mail.
A few bills from the maintenance company that took care of her place in Canterlot, and a letter or two from an admiring filly or colt who’d worked up the gumption to write to the newest Princess of Equestria. She loved those letters. The fact that where she lived was now basically common knowledge had helped more of them find their way to her door, and she was thankful for it. “Thanks Dee. Fly safe out there.” She waved, and her Mailmare departed to dispense her paper treasure upon the rest of the world.
Her papers and magazines hit the kitchen table with an audible thump and Twilight began scanning through them for the good ones. She’d held out hope that more papers would get over their insanity, but so far none had. Oh, there was that interview she’d given to that one little colt from Cleftland. He’d been the only one so far with the nerve to ask her for one, so she’d answered his simple questions pretty readily. Which might’ve been a mistake, but… well, she was beyond frustrated at this point. So why not have a little fun?
The papers thus sorted, the door to her kitchen swung open. “Mornin, Miz Twilight!” Sweetie Belle squeaked happily as she trotted in with a scroll bundled up into her saddle bags. Sweetie Belle had probably profited the most from this whole ridiculousness, and not just in literal money terms either. Cutie mark or no cutie mark, Sweetie had taken to her position as ‘The Princess’ Press Secretary’ with a vengeance, even if Twilight had never given her any such position nor had any such position been in the negotiations before Sweetie had invented it and then declared it to be a ‘thing’.
Which annoyed Twilight a little, but Rarity was so grateful for the peace and quiet around her Boutique that Twilight couldn’t help but try and humor the little filly. “So what’s on the docket today, Miss Sweetie?” She snarked back, hoping that sooner or later the little Crusader would get the bloody joke and quit this nonsense. But alas, Twilight’s speech to her once upon a time about working hard to learn something you enjoyed had apparently stuck quite firmly.
“Well I figured maybe we could try to get rid of that crowd outside with a mass interview.” Sweetie chewed on the end of a pencil, apparently having decided that was a thing that journalists did when they were thinking. “Like, kind of like what we did with me, but with an actual bunch of reporters. And then, we could try and convince them to only come back like, once every couple of months? And that way we could keep everypony happy while allowing you to get back to normal.”
Twilight blinked at that idea. Huh. It wasn’t a bad idea by any stretch of the imagination, which was such a rarity (Ha, Ha, Twilight. We are all very amused.) for Sweetie Belle that she was almost enthusiastic about the idea. “But…” She had to interject. “I mean, would they even go for something like that? And goddess alone knows what questions they might ask me…”
Sweetie grinned at her. “Twilight, that’s the whole point! They’re going to ask you things even more ridiculous than I could ever come up with! And besides, do you have any better ideas on how to get rid of them?”
That… that was a fair point. Huh. “Well, I suppose it’s worth a shot.” Really. What could possibly go wrong?
~~~~~~
Gathering the small town reporters in her living room was relatively easy. They were all enthusiastic about the chance to ask all of their own unique questions of the Princess, and everypony seemed quite on board with Sweetie’s proposal. “After all,” A pegasi from Tenneighsee had said, “We can’t print pieces like this all the time. Our readers would get bored! So long as we always know we can come back and write another one, we can give you some peace and quiet, yer ladyship.”
And so her living room couches, chairs, beanbags, and every spare cushion she could rustle up was being occupied by somepony in a cheap suit (Or no suit at all) with funny hats and “PRESS” cards in every font known to ponykind. Someone even had one in Comic Sans, and Twilight decided that somepony so bold, courageous and brave to use that abomination of a font in public deserved first crack at her. “Alright, settle down you lot!” She cried out, and pointed to the fontantly offensive pony. “You there, you first!”
“Thanks ma’am,” he said, rather blankly and uninterested if she thought about it. “Name’s Inky Jay, and I’d just like to get your personal thoughts on the percentage of the population that would actually survive a zombie apocalypse.” How in the world he said that with such a straight face, she did not know.
Still, fortunately for her, Spike was obsessed with Zombies. So she actually had a fun answer for this. “Well it depends on how many pegasi end up being idiots and letting themselves get infected and how many Unicorns get together to make the big city-shields they used to do in the old days, but I figure between forty and sixty percent could easily survive. However, given that most ponies are total idiots, we’d be lucky to get ten.” The reporter just nodded, scribbling in his notebook with a small head bob and looking uninterested as ever.
Twilight chuckled a little, and the rest of the crowd followed suit. “Alright, who’s next?” She wiggled her hoof in the air then pointed randomly. “You, in the beanie!”
“Yeah, yeah!” the mare squeaked, apparently trying to sound intimidating. “I’m Jen Nex from Space World magazine, and who cares about zombies! Ponies need to be worried about aliens! Why doesn’t anypony care about them anymore, Princess?”
Twilight had to giggle. “Mostly because Discord says all the aliens are boring, no-fun killjoys who drink too much Earl Gray tea. So apparently none of them ever want to come here, since we’re too much fun.” She almost felt a little sad, the way the mare’s face completely plummeted. “But hey, who can say? Given Discord’s idea of fun, we could all end up invaded any day now. I do hope they like books.” She made a wry face, and everypony laughed. Even the mare.
She shook her head then hummed. Ooo, somepony from Truest Words! What were they doing here? “You there, with the monocle!” She called out.
“Heavenbound at your service, Your Majesty,” the pony said, making a slight bow that spoke of Canterlot high life. “How about we ask some questions that actually mean something hmm? My colleagues and I have truly been alarmed by this large growth in poorly written, unrealistically emotional drivel aimed at foals on the cusp of adulthood. Does not the vanishing of proper literature from shelves alarm a reader such as yourself as well, Princess Twilight?”
Twilight grinned. Ooo, he was trying to get a serious answer out of her. Not going to happen today! “Mostly I’m alarmed at the complete defanging of the proper Vampony archetype. I mean, come on. Vamponies’s do not sparkle. They have never sparkled, and several Vamponies I know have taken serious umbrage with the implication that they do.” She snorted derisively. “And nevermind the opinion of Princess Luna’s personal guard on their romanticisation. They would like you to know that they do not, in fact, suck blood. They’re fruit eaters and would very much like young impressionable fillies to stop asking to ‘join their coven.’” Then she grinned. “As a total side note, my Vampony friends would like those fillies to know that they’d be happy to give them their addresses…” That got more laughter. Good. “But seriously. If you’re going to write something about emotions and drama, don’t take yourself too seriously. Down that road lies Steppin King.” She pointed quickly. “Next question. You.”
The pony she had selected was the grungiest she could see. “Yeah, cool, so while we’re talkin’ about books and shit, can I please get a royal assist on telling all these complete idiots to stop mucking up the amateur writing guilds with bucking sad flank shit based on other books! What the tartarus yo!? If I wanna read about somepony writing his suicide note, I’ll go to a bucking hospital! Sweet Celestia.” He rolled his eyes in an exaggerated way, and Twilight had the distinct impression he had ended up talking to himself more than her there near the end.
Twilight grinned broadly. Now this one, she could get behind. “Sure. Hey, all you newbies out there! Listen up. We know life is tough sometimes, and that sometimes you’re down in the dumps. We get that. All writers get that. But there’s better ways to purge your emotions than trying to strum on the most depressing heartstrings you possibly can with every page you write. Seriously, cut that out.” She coughed and chuckled. “Quit with the nihilism already. Life’s pretty good when you get right down to it. Alright, enough of that for now. Different topic, Anypony?” And while she was looking, she couldn’t help but notice the pony do a small hoof pump to himself.
“Yes, I’ll take it,” somepony from the crowd said. A unicorn, wearing one of those very clearly cheap suits. “So, I’m with the business magazine, Over the Counter, and we try to help everyday ponies understand the world of business. So, I’d like to ask if you think that the rules and regulations that are a part of the larger companies are just owners trying to live out their fantasies of being in Princess Celestia’s place?”
“Personally, I think most businesses institute rules because otherwise somepony else there would. And thus, yes, I pretty much agree with you.” She grinned brightly. “I don’t blame them, mind. There’s nothing quite like feeling like an all powerful goddess figure with total and petty authority over your workers. I guess most of them just want to feel like a real Mare.” She winked. “Though I can say from experience that Filthy Rich does it because he actually wishes he was a princess. He wears his daughter’s Tiara on weekends. Next question!”
“ARE PILLOWS REALLY MADE FROM PEGASI FEATHERS!?” some random voice exploded from the crowd of reporters.
“Well, Not most of them, but-”
“COULD I HAVE A PILLOW STUFFED WITH YOUR FEATHERS PRINCESS TWILIGHT!?”
She blinked at that one. Then laughed softly. “Only if you sign a written contract not to sell it, and only if you promise to write ONLY about real, hard charging news stories for the next year.” Sure, that was technically bribery, but hey. Why not? “And you don’t get to open the pillowcase either.” She admonished. She knew for a FACT she had a giant pile of feather discards somewhere. How Pegasi dealt with keeping wings clean and straight their whole lives…
Ahem. “Alright, gimmie something fun to answer!” She waved her hoof towards some of the small-paper reporters. “Somepony from around Trottingham!”
“Noddingham Journal ‘ere asking the Princess if she’s ever tried giving herself a dog’s nose to see what it’d be like?”
Twilight grinned. “Nah, I just turned Spike into a dog and got the explanation from him. He says that smelling everything in the world is not nearly as awesome as it’s made out to be. I can report, however, that having another creature’s nose is a very strange experience, and not one I’m terribly inclined to repeat.” Her nose actually twitched at that one. Stupid hands. “Alright, somepony from the Manehatten area?”
An Earth pony, wearing a simple ball cap raised his hoof, and without waiting for her to point to him, asked, “It’s not really ‘bout you Miss, but your friend, Rainbow Dash.”
Oh boy. Well, she supposed this was inevitable. Alright, remember what Cadence said. Never commit to anything, just make absolutely sure they know you’ve made absolutely no decision at all or else you’ll be dealing with this for years… “Alright, well - I’ll answer as best as I can, I suppose.” She hedged, hoping this wasn’t too lurid.
“Does her tail really have hyper-elastic abilities?” he asked, looking for all the world like this was the most important question to ever be asked in Equestria.
Well, that was new. “Er… I beg your pardon?” She blinked. She genuinely had no idea what he was going on about there. “What do you mean by ‘hyper-elastic’?”
“Never seen somepony’s tail stretch like it does when that other Earth pony friend of yours grabs it before she tries to fly off. What’s up with that?”
She blinks, then grins. “Well, I would say that when it comes to Rainbow Dash, there’s absolutely no limit to how much of a butt she can be.”
~~~~~~~
“So how did it work?” Two weeks later, and all the press had seemingly gone home. And yet, so far, she hadn’t seen much change in her newspapers. Maybe it was taking time to get the stuff to print?
Sweetie Belle gnawed on her pencil. “Well, I’ve got good news and I’ve got bad news. The good news is that we’re not likely to have a slew of press reporters camped outside of your doorstep and I don’t think the newspapers are going to be printing stuff about your day-to-day life any longer.”
Well that was certainly a relief. “And the bad news?” She braced herself, wondering just how bad it could be.
Sweetie Belle held up one of the major newspapers. ”Twilight Sparkle Likes Rainbow Dash’s Butt” Twilight facehoofed. “They’ve gone to shipping.” She groaned and smacked her head into the table. Wonderful.